SCENE IV.

LADY LUREWELL'S _Lodgings_.

_Enter_ LADY LUREWELL _and_ PARLY.

_Lady L._ Has my servant brought me the money from my merchant?

_Parly._ No, madam: he met Alderman Smuggler at Charing-Cross, who has promised to wait on you himself immediately.

_Lady L._ 'Tis odd that this old rogue should pretend to love me, and at the same time cheat me of my money.

_Parly._ 'Tis well, madam, if he don't cheat you of your estate; for you say the writings are in his hands.

_Lady L._ But what satisfaction can I get of him?----Oh! here he comes!

_Enter_ SMUGGLER.

Mr. Alderman, your servant; have you brought me any money, sir?

_Smug._ 'Faith, madam, trading is very dead; what with paying the taxes, losses at sea abroad, and maintaining our wives at home, the bank is reduced very low; money is very scarce.

_Lady L._ Come, come, sir; these evasions won't serve your turn: I must have money, sir--I hope you don't design to cheat me?

_Smug._ Cheat you, madam! have a care what you say: I'm an alderman, madam----Cheat you, madam! I have been an honest citizen these five-and-thirty years.

_Lady L._ An honest citizen! Bear witness, Parly--I shall trap him in more lies presently. Come, sir, though I am a woman, I can take a remedy.

_Smug._ What remedy, madam? You'll go to law, will ye? I can maintain a suit of law, be it right or wrong, these forty years--thanks to the honest practice of the courts.

_Lady L._ Sir, I'll blast your reputation, and so ruin your credit.

_Smug._ Blast my reputation! he! he! he! Why, I'm a religious man, madam; I have been very instrumental in the reformation of manners. Ruin my credit! Ah, poor woman! There is but one way, madam----you have a sweet leering eye.

_Lady L._ You instrumental in the reformation?--How?

_Smug._ I whipp'd all the pau-pau women out of the parish--Ah, that leering eye! Ah, that lip! that lip!

_Lady L._ Here's a religious rogue for you, now!--As I hope to be saved, I have a good mind to beat the old monster.

_Smug._ Madam, I have brought you about two hundred and fifty guineas (a great deal of money, as times go) and----

_Lady L._ Come, give 'em me.

_Smug._ Ah, that hand, that hand! that pretty, soft, white----I have brought it; but the condition of the obligation is such, that whereas that leering eye, that pouting lip, that pretty soft hand, that--you understand me; you understand; I'm sure you do, you little rogue----

_Lady L._ Here's a villain, now, so covetous, that he would bribe me with my own money. I'll be revenged. [_Aside._]--Upon my word, Mr. Alderman, you make me blush,--what d'ye mean, pray?

_Smug._ See here, madam. [_Pulls his Purse out._]--Buss and guinea! buss and guinea! buss and guinea!

_Lady L._ Well, Mr. Alderman, you have such pretty winning ways, that I will--ha! ha! ha!

_Smug._ Will you, indeed, he! he! he! my little cocket? And when, and where, and how?

_Lady L._ 'Twill be a difficult point, sir, to secure both our honours: you must therefore be disguised, Mr. Alderman.

_Smug._ Pshaw! no matter; I am an old fornicator; I'm not half so religious as I seem to be. You little rogue, why I'm disguised as I am; our sanctity is all outside, all hypocrisy.

_Lady L._ No man is seen to come into this house after dark; you must therefore sneak in, when 'tis dark, in woman's clothes.

_Smug._ With all my heart----I have a suit on purpose, my little cocket; I love to be disguised; 'ecod, I make a very handsome woman, 'ecod, I do.

_Enter_ SERVANT, _who whispers_ LADY LUREWELL.

_Lady L._ Oh, Mr. Alderman, shall I beg you to walk into the next room? Here are some strangers coming up.

_Smug._ Buss and guinea first--Ah, my little cocket! [_Exit._

_Enter_ SIR H. WILDAIR.

_Sir H._ My life, my soul, my all that Heaven can give!----

_Lady L._ Death's life with thee, without thee death to live. Welcome, my dear Sir Harry----I see you got my directions.

_Sir H._ Directions! in the most charming manner, thou dear Machiavel of intrigue.

_Lady L._ Still brisk and airy, I find, Sir Harry.

_Sir H._ The sight of you, madam, exalts my air, and makes joy lighten in my face.

_Lady L._ I have a thousand questions to ask you, Sir Harry. Why did you leave France so soon?

_Sir H._ Because, madam, there is no existing where you are not.

_Lady L._ _Oh, monsieur, je vous suis fort obligée_----But, where's the court now?

_Sir H._ At Marli, madam.

_Lady L._ And where my Count La Valier?

_Sir H._ His body's in the church of Nôtre Dame; I don't know where his soul is.

_Lady L._ What disease did he die of?

_Sir H._ A duel, madam; I was his doctor.

_Lady L._ How d'ye mean?

_Sir H._ As most doctors do; I kill'd him.

_Lady L._ _En cavalier_, my dear knight-errant--Well, and how, and how: what intrigues, what gallantries are carrying on in the _beau monde_?

_Sir H._ I should ask you that question, madam, since your ladyship makes the _beau-monde_ wherever you come.

_Lady L._ Ah, Sir Harry, I've been almost ruined, pestered to death here, by the incessant attacks of a mighty colonel; he has besieged me.

_Sir H._ I hope your ladyship did not surrender, though.

_Lady L._ No, no; but was forced to capitulate. But since you are come to raise the siege, we'll dance, and sing, and laugh----

_Sir H._ And love, and kiss----_Montrez moi votre chambre?_

_Lady L._ _Attends, attends, un peu_----I remember, Sir Harry, you promised me, in Paris, never to ask that impertinent question again.

_Sir H._ Pshaw, madam! that was above two months ago: besides, madam, treaties made in France are never kept.

_Lady L._ Would you marry me, Sir Harry?

_Sir H._ Oh! I do detest marriage.--But I will marry you.

_Lady L._ Your word, sir, is not to be relied on: if a gentleman will forfeit his honour in dealings of business, we may reasonably suspect his fidelity in an amour.

_Sir H._ My honour in dealings of business! Why, madam, I never had any business in all my life.

_Lady L._ Yes, Sir Harry, I have heard a very odd story, and am sorry that a gentleman of your figure should undergo the scandal.

_Sir H._ Out with it, madam.

_Lady L._ Why, the merchant, sir, that transmitted your bills of exchange to you in France, complains of some indirect and dishonourable dealings.

_Sir H._ Who, old Smuggler?

_Lady L._ Ay, ay, you know him, I find.

_Sir H._ I have some reason, I think; why, the rogue has cheated me of above five hundred pounds within these three years.

_Lady L._ 'Tis your business then to acquit yourself publicly; for he spreads the scandal every where.

_Sir H._ Acquit myself publicly! I'll drive instantly into the city, and cane the old villain: he shall run the gauntlet round the Royal Exchange.

_Lady L._ Why, he is in the house now, sir.

_Sir H._ What, in this house?

_Lady L._ Ay, in the next room.

_Sir H._ Then, sirrah, lend me your cudgel.

_Lady L._ Sir Harry, you won't raise a disturbance in my house?

_Sir H._ Disturbance, madam! no, no, I'll beat him with the temper of a philosopher. Here, Mrs. Parly, show me the gentleman. [_Exit with_ PARLY.

_Lady L._ Now shall I get the old monster well beaten, and Sir Harry pestered next term with bloodsheds, batteries, costs, and damages, solicitors and attorneys; and if they don't tease him out of his good humour, I'll never plot again. [_Exit._