SCENE I

_The Park_

_Enter_ VIZARD _with a Letter, his_ SERVANT _following_.

_Vizard._ Angelica send it back unopened! say you?

_Serv._ As you see, sir?

_Vizard._ The pride of these virtuous women is more insufferable than the immodesty of prostitutes--After all my encouragement, to slight me thus!

_Serv._ She said, sir, that imagining your morals sincere, she gave you access to her conversation; but that your late behaviour in her company has convinced her that your love and religion are both hypocrisy, and that she believes your letter, like yourself, fair on the outside, and foul within; so sent it back unopened.

_Vizard._ May obstinacy guard her beauty till wrinkles bury it.--I'll be revenged the very first opportunity.----Saw you the old Lady Darling, her mother?

_Serv._ Yes, sir, and she was pleased to say much in your commendation.

_Vizard._ That's my cue----An esteem grafted in old age is hardly rooted out; years stiffen their opinions with their bodies, and old zeal is only to be cozened by young hypocrisy. [_Aside._] Run to the Lady Lurewell's, and know of her maid whether her ladyship will be at home this evening. Her beauty is sufficient cure for Angelica's scorn.

[_Exit_ SERVANT. VIZARD _pulls out a Book, reads, and walks about_.

_Enter_ SMUGGLER.

_Smug._ Ay, there's a pattern for the young men o' th' times; at his meditation so early; some book of pious ejaculations, I'm sure.

_Vizard._ This Hobbes is an excellent fellow! [_Aside._] Oh, uncle Smuggler! To find you at this end o' th' town is a miracle.

_Smug._ I have seen a miracle this morning indeed, cousin Vizard.

_Vizard._ What is it, pray, sir?

_Smug._ A man at his devotion so near the court--I'm very glad, boy, that you keep your sanctity untainted in this infectious place; the very air of this park is heathenish, and every man's breath I meet scents of atheism.

_Vizard._ Surely, sir, some great concern must bring you to this unsanctified end of the town.

_Smug._ A very unsanctified concern, truly, cousin.

_Vizard._ What is it?

_Smug._ A lawsuit, boy--Shall I tell you?--My ship, the Swan, is newly arrived from St. Sebastian, laden with Portugal wines: now the impudent rogue of a tide-waiter has the face to affirm it is French wines in Spanish casks, and has indicted me upon the statute----Oh, conscience! conscience! these tide-waiters and surveyors plague us more than the war--Ay, there's another plague of the nation--

_Enter_ COLONEL STANDARD.

A red coat and cockade.

_Vizard._ Colonel Standard, I'm your humble servant.

_Colonel S._ May be not, sir.

_Vizard._ Why so?

_Colonel S._ Because----I'm disbanded.

_Vizard._ How! Broke?

_Colonel S._ This very morning, in Hyde-Park, my brave regiment, a thousand men, that looked like lions yesterday, were scattered, and looked as poor and simple as the herd of deer that grazed beside them.

_Smug._ Tal, al deral. [_Singing._] I'll have a bonfire this night as high as the monument.

_Colonel S._ A bonfire! Thou dry, withered, ill-nature; had not those brave fellows' swords defended you, your house had been a bonfire ere this, about your ears.----Did we not venture our lives, sir?

_Smug._ And did we not pay for your lives, sir?--Venture your lives! I'm sure we ventured our money, and that's life and soul to me.----Sir, we'll maintain you no longer.

_Colonel S._ Then your wives shall, old Actæon. There are five and thirty strapping officers gone this morning to live upon free quarter in the city.

_Smug._ Oh, lord! oh, lord! I shall have a son within these nine months, born with a leading staff in his hand.----Sir, you are----

_Colonel S._ What, sir?

_Smug._ Sir, I say that you are----

_Colonel S._ What, sir?

_Smug._ Disbanded, sir, that's all----I see my lawyer yonder. [_Exit._

_Vizard._ Sir, I'm very sorry for your misfortune.

_Colonel S._ Why so? I don't come to borrow money of you; if you're my friend, meet me this evening at the Rummer; I'll pay my foy, drink a health to my king, prosperity to my country, and away for Hungary to-morrow morning.

_Vizard._ What! you won't leave us?

_Colonel S._ What! a soldier stay here, to look like an old pair of colours in Westminster Hall, ragged and rusty! No, no----I met yesterday a broken lieutenant, he was ashamed to own that he wanted a dinner, but wanted to borrow eighteen pence of me to buy a new scabbard for his sword.

_Vizard._ Oh, but you have good friends, colonel!

_Colonel S._ Oh, very good friends! My father's a lord, and my elder brother, a beau; mighty good indeed!

_Vizard._ But your country may, perhaps, want your sword again.

_Colonel S._ Nay, for that matter, let but a single drum beat up for volunteers between Ludgate and Charing Cross, and I shall undoubtedly hear it at the walls of Buda.

_Vizard._ Come, come, colonel, there are ways of making your fortune at home--Make your addresses to the fair; you're a man of honour and courage.

_Colonel S._ Ay, my courage is like to do me wondrous service with the fair. This pretty cross cut over my eye will attract a duchess--I warrant 'twill be a mighty grace to my ogling--Had I used the stratagem of a certain brother colonel of mine, I might succeed.

_Vizard._ What was it, pray?

_Colonel S._ Why, to save his pretty face for the women, he always turned his back upon the enemy.--He was a man of honour for the ladies.

_Vizard._ Come, come, the loves of Mars and Venus will never fail; you must get a mistress.

_Colonel S._ Pr'ythee, no more on't--You have awakened a thought, from which, and the kingdom, I would have stolen away at once.----To be plain, I have a mistress.

_Vizard._ And she's cruel?

_Colonel S._ No.

_Vizard._ Her parents prevent your happiness?

_Colonel S._ Not that.

_Vizard._ Then she has no fortune?

_Colonel S._ A large one. Beauty to tempt all mankind, and virtue to beat off their assaults. Oh, Vizard! such a creature!

_Enter_ SIR HARRY WILDAIR, _crosses the Stage singing, with_ FOOTMEN _after him_.

Heyday! who the devil have we here?

_Vizard._ The joy of the playhouse, and life of the park; Sir Harry Wildair, newly come from Paris.

_Colonel S._ Sir Harry Wildair! Did not he go a volunteer some three or four years ago?

_Vizard._ The same.

_Colonel S._ Why, he behaved himself very bravely.

_Vizard._ Why not? Dost think bravery and gaiety are inconsistent? He's a gentleman of most happy circumstances, born to a plentiful estate; has had a genteel and easy education, free from the rigidness of teachers, and pedantry of schools. His florid constitution being never ruffled by misfortune, nor stinted in its pleasures, has rendered him entertaining to others, and easy to himself. Turning all passion into gaiety of humour, by which he chuses rather to rejoice with his friends, than be hated by any; as you shall see.

_Enter_ SIR HARRY WILDAIR.

_Sir H._ Ha, Vizard!

_Vizard._ Sir Harry!

_Sir H._ Who thought to find you out of the Rubric so long? I thought thy hypocrisy had been wedded to a pulpit-cushion long ago.--Sir, if I mistake not your face, your name is Standard?

_Colonel S._ Sir Harry, I'm your humble servant.

_Sir H._ Come, gentlemen, the news, the news o' th' town, for I'm just arrived.

_Vizard._ Why, in the city end o' th' town we're playing the knave, to get estates.

_Colonel S._ And in the court end playing the fool, in spending them.

_Sir H._ Just so in Paris. I'm glad we're grown so modish.

_Vizard._ We are so reformed, that gallantry is taken for vice.

_Colonel S._ And hypocrisy for religion.

_Sir H._ A-la-mode de Paris again.

_Vizard._ Nothing like an oath in the city.

_Colonel S._ That's a mistake; for my major swore a hundred and fifty last night to a merchant's wife in her bed-chamber.

_Sir H._ Pshaw! this is trifling; tell me news, gentlemen. What lord has lately broke his fortune at the clubs, or his heart at Newmarket, for the loss of a race? What wife has been lately suing in Doctor's-Commons for alimony: or what daughter run away with her father's valet? What beau gave the noblest ball at Bath, or had the gayest equipage in town? I want news, gentlemen.

_Colonel S._ 'Faith, sir, these are no news at all.

_Vizard._ But, pray, Sir Harry, tell us some news of your travels.

_Sir H._ With all my heart.--You must know, then, I went over to Amsterdam in a Dutch ship. I went from thence to Landen, where I was heartily drubbed in battle, with the butt end of a Swiss musket. I thence went to Paris, where I had half a dozen intrigues, bought half a dozen new suits, fought a couple of duels, and here I am again _in statu quo_.

_Vizard._ But we heard that you designed to make the tour of Italy: what brought you back so soon?

_Sir H._ That which brought you into the world, and may perhaps carry you out of it;--a woman.

_Colonel S._ What! quit the pleasures of travel for a woman?

_Sir H._ Ay, colonel, for such a woman! I had rather see her _ruelle_ than the palace of Louis le Grand. There's more glory in her smile, than in the jubilee at Rome! and I would rather kiss her hand than the Pope's toe.

_Vizard._ You, colonel, have been very lavish in the beauty and virtue of your mistress; and Sir Harry here has been no less eloquent in the praise of his. Now will I lay you both ten guineas a-piece, that neither of them is so pretty, so witty, or so virtuous, as mine.

_Colonel S._ 'Tis done.

_Sir H._ I'll double the stakes--But, gentlemen, now I think on't, how shall we be resolved? For I know not where my mistress may be found; she left Paris about a month before me, and I had an account----

_Colonel S._ How, sir! left Paris about a month before you?

_Sir H._ Yes, sir, and I had an account that she lodged somewhere in St. James's.

_Vizard._ How! somewhere in St. James's say you?

_Sir H._ Ay, sir, but I know not where, and perhaps may'nt find her this fortnight.

_Colonel S._ Her name, pray, Sir Harry?

_Vizard._ Ay, ay, her name; perhaps we know her.

_Sir H._ Her name! Ay, she has the softest, whitest hand that ever was made of flesh and blood; her lips so balmy sweet----

_Colonel S._ But her name, sir?

_Sir H._ Then her neck and----

_Vizard._ But her name, sir? her quality?

_Sir H._ Then her shape, colonel?

_Colonel S._ But her name I want, sir.

_Sir H._ Then her eyes, Vizard!

_Colonel S._ Pshaw, Sir Harry! her name, or nothing!

_Sir H._ Then if you must have it, she's called the Lady----But then her foot, gentlemen! she dances to a miracle. Vizard, you have certainly lost your wager.

_Vizard._ Why, you have certainly lost your senses; we shall never discover the picture, unless you subscribe the name.

_Sir H._ Then her name is Lurewell.

_Colonel S._ 'Sdeath! my mistress! [_Aside._

_Vizard._ My mistress, by Jupiter! [_Aside._

_Sir H._ Do you know her, gentlemen?

_Colonel S._ I have seen her, sir.

_Sir H._ Canst tell where she lodges? Tell me, dear colonel.

_Colonel S._ Your humble servant, sir. [_Exit._

_Sir H._ Nay, hold, colonel; I'll follow you, and will know. [_Runs out._

_Vizard._ The Lady Lurewell his mistress! He loves her: but she loves me.----But he's a baronet, and I plain Vizard; he has a coach, and I walk on foot; I was bred in London, and he in Paris.----That very circumstance has murdered me----Then some stratagem must be laid to divert his pretensions.

_Enter_ WILDAIR.

_Sir H._ Pr'ythee, Dick, what makes the colonel so out of humour?

_Vizard._ Because he's out of pay, I suppose.

_Sir H._ 'Slife, that's true! I was beginning to mistrust some rivalship in the case.

_Vizard._ And suppose there were, you know the colonel can fight, Sir Harry.

_Sir H._ Fight! Pshaw--but he cannot dance, ha!--We contend for a woman, Vizard. 'Slife, man, if ladies were to be gained by sword and pistol only, what the devil should all we beaux do?

_Vizard._ I'll try him farther. [_Aside._] But would not you, Sir Harry, fight for this woman you so much admire?

_Sir H._ Fight! Let me consider. I love her----that's true;----but then I love honest Sir Harry Wildair better. The Lady Lurewell is divinely charming----right----but then a thrust i' the guts, or a Middlesex jury, is as ugly as the devil.

_Vizard._ Ay, Sir Harry, 'twere a dangerous cast for a beau baronet to be tried by a parcel of greasy, grumbling, bartering boobies, who would hang you, purely because you're a gentleman.

_Sir H._ Ay, but on t'other hand, I have money enough to bribe the rogues with: so, upon mature deliberation, I would fight for her. But no more of her. Pr'ythee, Vizard, cannot you recommend a friend to a pretty mistress by the bye, till I can find my own? You have store, I'm sure; you cunning poaching dogs make surer game, than we that hunt open and fair. Pr'ythee now, good Vizard.

_Vizard._ Let me consider a little.--Now love and revenge inspire my politics! [_Aside._

[_Pauses whilst_ SIR HARRY _walks, singing_.

_Sir H._ Pshaw! thou'rt longer studying for a new mistress, than a waiter would be in drawing fifty corks.

_Vizard._ I design you good wine; you'll therefore bear a little expectation.

_Sir H._ Ha! say'st thou, dear Vizard?

_Vizard._ A girl of nineteen, Sir Harry.

_Sir H._ Now nineteen thousand blessings light on thee.

_Vizard._ Pretty and witty.

_Sir H._ Ay, ay, but her name, Vizard!

_Vizard._ Her name! yes--she has the softest, whitest hand that e'er was made of flesh and blood; her lips so balmy sweet----

_Sir H._ Well, well, but where shall I find her, man?

_Vizard._ Find her!--but then her foot, Sir Harry! she dances to a miracle.

_Sir H._ Pr'ythee, don't distract me.

_Vizard._ Well then, you must know, that this lady is the greatest beauty in town; her name's Angelica: she that passes for her mother is a private bawd, and called the Lady Darling: she goes for a baronet's lady, (no disparagement to your honour, Sir Harry) I assure you.

_Sir H._ Pshaw, hang my honour! but what street, what house?

_Vizard._ Not so fast, Sir Harry; you must have my passport for your admittance, and you'll find my recommendation in a line or two will procure you very civil entertainment; I suppose twenty or thirty pieces handsomely placed, will gain the point.

_Sir H._ Thou dearest friend to a man in necessity! Here, sirrah, order my carriage about to St. James's; I'll walk across the park. [_To his_ SERVANT.

_Enter_ CLINCHER SENIOR.

_Clinch._ Here, sirrah, order my coach about to St. James's, I'll walk across the park too--Mr. Vizard, your most devoted--Sir, [_To_ WILDAIR.] I admire the mode of your shoulder-knot; methinks it hangs very emphatically, and carries an air of travel in it: your sword-knot too is most ornamentally modish, and bears a foreign mien. Gentlemen, my brother is just arrived in town; so that, being upon the wing to kiss his hands, I hope you'll pardon this abrupt departure of, gentlemen, your most devoted, and most faithful humble servant. [_Exit._

_Sir H._ Pr'ythee, dost know him?

_Vizard._ Know him! why, it is Clincher, who was apprentice to my uncle Smuggler, the merchant in the city.

_Sir H._ What makes him so gay?

_Vizard._ Why, he's in mourning.

_Sir H._ In mourning?

_Vizard._ Yes, for his father. The kind old man in Hertfordshire t'other day broke his neck a fox-hunting; the son, upon the news, has broke his indentures; whipped from behind the counter into the side-box. He keeps his coach and liveries, brace of geldings, leash of mistresses, talks of nothing but wines, intrigues, plays, fashions, and going to the jubilee.

_Sir H._ Ha! ha! ha! how many pounds of pulvil must the fellow use in sweetening himself from the smell of hops and tobacco? Faugh!--I' my conscience methought, like Olivia's lover, he stunk of Thames-Street. But now for Angelica, that's her name: we'll to the prince's chocolate-house, where you shall write my passport. _Allons._ [_Exeunt._