Chapter 57

THE PUBLIC STY. THE BOARS IN FULL ASSEMBLY. ENTER PURGANAX.

PURGANAX: Grant me your patience, Gentlemen and Boars, Ye, by whose patience under public burthens The glorious constitution of these sties Subsists, and shall subsist. The Lean-Pig rates Grow with the growing populace of Swine, _5 The taxes, that true source of Piggishness (How can I find a more appropriate term To include religion, morals, peace, and plenty, And all that fit Boeotia as a nation To teach the other nations how to live?), _10 Increase with Piggishness itself; and still Does the revenue, that great spring of all The patronage, and pensions, and by-payments, Which free-born Pigs regard with jealous eyes, Diminish, till at length, by glorious steps, _15 All the land’s produce will be merged in taxes, And the revenue will amount to—nothing! The failure of a foreign market for Sausages, bristles, and blood-puddings, And such home manufactures, is but partial; _20 And, that the population of the Pigs, Instead of hog-wash, has been fed on straw And water, is a fact which is—you know— That is—it is a state-necessity— Temporary, of course. Those impious Pigs, _25 Who, by frequent squeaks, have dared impugn The settled Swellfoot system, or to make Irreverent mockery of the genuflexions Inculcated by the arch-priest, have been whipped Into a loyal and an orthodox whine. _30 Things being in this happy state, the Queen Iona—

NOTE: _16 land’s]lands edition 1820.

A LOUD CRY FROM THE PIGS: She is innocent! most innocent!

PURGANAX: That is the very thing that I was saying, Gentlemen Swine; the Queen Iona being Most innocent, no doubt, returns to Thebes, _35 And the lean Sows and Bears collect about her, Wishing to make her think that WE believe (I mean those more substantial Pigs, who swill Rich hog-wash, while the others mouth damp straw) That she is guilty; thus, the Lean-Pig faction _40 Seeks to obtain that hog-wash, which has been Your immemorial right, and which I will Maintain you in to the last drop of—

A BOAR (INTERRUPTING HIM): What Does any one accuse her of?

PURGANAX: Why, no one Makes ANY positive accusation;—but _45 There were hints dropped, and so the privy wizards Conceived that it became them to advise His Majesty to investigate their truth;— Not for his own sake; he could be content To let his wife play any pranks she pleased, _50 If, by that sufferance, HE could please the Pigs; But then he fears the morals of the Swine, The Sows especially, and what effect It might produce upon the purity and Religion of the rising generation _55 Of Sucking-Pigs, if it could be suspected That Queen Iona—

[A PAUSE.]

FIRST BOAR: Well, go on; we long To hear what she can possibly have done.

PURGANAX: Why, it is hinted, that a certain Bull— Thus much is KNOWN:—the milk-white Bulls that feed _60 Beside Clitumnus and the crystal lakes Of the Cisalpine mountains, in fresh dews Of lotus-grass and blossoming asphodel Sleeking their silken hair, and with sweet breath Loading the morning winds until they faint _65 With living fragrance, are so beautiful!— Well, _I_ say nothing;—but Europa rode On such a one from Asia into Crete, And the enamoured sea grew calm beneath His gliding beauty. And Pasiphae, _70 Iona’s grandmother,—but SHE is innocent! And that both you and I, and all assert.

FIRST BOAR: Most innocent!

PURGANAX: Behold this BAG; a bag—

SECOND BOAR: Oh! no GREEN BAGS!! Jealousy’s eyes are green, Scorpions are green, and water-snakes, and efts, _75 And verdigris, and—

PURGANAX: Honourable Swine, In Piggish souls can prepossessions reign? Allow me to remind you, grass is green— All flesh is grass;—no bacon but is flesh— Ye are but bacon. This divining BAG _80 (Which is not green, but only bacon colour) Is filled with liquor, which if sprinkled o’er A woman guilty of—we all know what— Makes her so hideous, till she finds one blind She never can commit the like again. _85 If innocent, she will turn into an angel, And rain down blessings in the shape of comfits As she flies up to heaven. Now, my proposal Is to convert her sacred Majesty Into an angel (as I am sure we shall do), _90 By pouring on her head this mystic water. [SHOWING THE BAG.] I know that she is innocent; I wish Only to prove her so to all the world.

FIRST BOAR: Excellent, just, and noble Purganax.

SECOND BOAR: How glorious it will be to see her Majesty _95 Flying above our heads, her petticoats Streaming like—like—like—

THIRD BOAR: Anything.

PURGANAX: Oh no! But like a standard of an admiral’s ship, Or like the banner of a conquering host, Or like a cloud dyed in the dying day, _100 Unravelled on the blast from a white mountain; Or like a meteor, or a war-steed’s mane, Or waterfall from a dizzy precipice Scattered upon the wind.

FIRST BOAR: Or a cow’s tail.

SECOND BOAR: Or ANYTHING, as the learned Boar observed. _105

PURGANAX: Gentlemen Boars, I move a resolution, That her most sacred Majesty should be Invited to attend the feast of Famine, And to receive upon her chaste white body Dews of Apotheosis from this BAG. _110

[A GREAT CONFUSION IS HEARD OF THE PIGS OUT OF DOORS, WHICH COMMUNICATES ITSELF TO THOSE WITHIN. DURING THE FIRST STROPHE, THE DOORS OF THE STY ARE STAVED IN, AND A NUMBER OF EXCEEDINGLY LEAN PIGS AND SOWS AND BOARS RUSH IN.]

SEMICHORUS 1: No! Yes!

SEMICHORUS 2: Yes! No!

SEMICHORUS 1: A law!

SEMICHORUS 2: A flaw!

SEMICHORUS 1: Porkers, we shall lose our wash, _115 Or must share it with the Lean-Pigs!

FIRST BOAR: Order! order! be not rash! Was there ever such a scene, Pigs!

AN OLD SOW (RUSHING IN): I never saw so fine a dash Since I first began to wean Pigs. _120

SECOND BOAR (SOLEMNLY): The Queen will be an angel time enough. I vote, in form of an amendment, that Purganax rub a little of that stuff Upon his face.

PURGANAX [HIS HEART IS SEEN TO BEAT THROUGH HIS WAISTCOAT]: Gods! What would ye be at?

SEMICHORUS 1: Purganax has plainly shown a _125 Cloven foot and jackdaw feather.

SEMICHORUS 2: I vote Swellfoot and Iona Try the magic test together; Whenever royal spouses bicker, Both should try the magic liquor. _130

AN OLD BOAR [ASIDE]: A miserable state is that of Pigs, For if their drivers would tear caps and wigs, The Swine must bite each other’s ear therefore.

AN OLD SOW [ASIDE]: A wretched lot Jove has assigned to Swine, Squabbling makes Pig-herds hungry, and they dine _135 On bacon, and whip Sucking-Pigs the more.

CHORUS: Hog-wash has been ta’en away: If the Bull-Queen is divested, We shall be in every way Hunted, stripped, exposed, molested; _140 Let us do whate’er we may, That she shall not be arrested. QUEEN, we entrench you with walls of brawn, And palisades of tusks, sharp as a bayonet: Place your most sacred person here. We pawn _145 Our lives that none a finger dare to lay on it. Those who wrong you, wrong us; Those who hate you, hate us; Those who sting you, sting us; Those who bait you, bait us; _150 The ORACLE is now about to be Fulfilled by circumvolving destiny; Which says: ‘Thebes, choose REFORM or CIVIL WAR, When through your streets, instead of hare with dogs, A CONSORT QUEEN shall hunt a KING with Hogs, _155 Riding upon the IONIAN MINOTAUR.’

NOTE: _154 streets instead edition 1820.

[ENTER IONA TAURINA.]

IONA TAURINA (COMING FORWARD): Gentlemen Swine, and gentle Lady-Pigs, The tender heart of every Boar acquits Their QUEEN, of any act incongruous With native Piggishness, and she, reposing _160 With confidence upon the grunting nation, Has thrown herself, her cause, her life, her all, Her innocence, into their Hoggish arms; Nor has the expectation been deceived Of finding shelter there. Yet know, great Boars, _165 (For such whoever lives among you finds you, And so do I), the innocent are proud! I have accepted your protection only In compliment of your kind love and care, Not for necessity. The innocent _170 Are safest there where trials and dangers wait; Innocent Queens o’er white-hot ploughshares tread Unsinged, and ladies, Erin’s laureate sings it, Decked with rare gems, and beauty rarer still, Walked from Killarney to the Giant’s Causeway, _175 Through rebels, smugglers, troops of yeomanry, White-boys and Orange-boys, and constables, Tithe-proctors, and excise people, uninjured! Thus I!— Lord Purganax, I do commit myself _180 Into your custody, and am prepared To stand the test, whatever it may be!

NOTE: (_173 ‘Rich and rare were the gems she wore.’ See Moore’s “Irish Melodies”.— [SHELLEY’S NOTE.])

PURGANAX: This magnanimity in your sacred Majesty Must please the Pigs. You cannot fail of being A heavenly angel. Smoke your bits of glass, _185 Ye loyal Swine, or her transfiguration Will blind your wondering eyes.

AN OLD BOAR [ASIDE]: Take care, my Lord, They do not smoke you first.

PURGANAX: At the approaching feast Of Famine, let the expiation be.

SWINE: Content! content!

IONA TAURINA [ASIDE]: I, most content of all, _190 Know that my foes even thus prepare their fall!

[EXEUNT OMNES.]