LETTER II.

FROM PHIL. FUDGE, ESQ., TO THE LORD VISCOUNT CASTLEREAGH.

Paris.

At length, my Lord, I have the bliss To date to you a line from this "Demoralized" metropolis; Where, by plebeians low and scurvy, The throne was turned quite topsy-turvy, And Kingship, tumbled from its seat, "Stood prostrate" at the people's feet; Where (still to use your Lordship's tropes) The _level_ of obedience _slopes_ Upward and downward, as the _stream_ Of _hydra_ faction _kicks the beam_![1] Where the poor Palace changes masters Quicker than a snake its skin, And LOUIS is rolled out on castors, While BONEY'S borne on shoulders in:-- But where, in every change, no doubt, One special good your Lordship traces,-- That 'tis the _Kings_ alone turn out, The _Ministers_ still keep their places.

How oft, dear Viscount CASTLEREAGH, I've thought of thee upon the way, As in my _job_ (what place could be More apt to wake a thought of thee?)-- Or, oftener far, when gravely sitting Upon my dicky, (as is fitting For him who writes a Tour, that he May more of men and manners see.) I've thought of thee and of thy glories, Thou guest of Kings and King of Tories! Reflecting how thy fame has grown And spread, beyond man's usual share, At home, abroad, till thou art known, Like Major SEMPLE, everywhere! And marvelling with what powers of breath Your Lordship, having speeched to death Some hundreds of your fellow-men, Next speeched to Sovereign's ears,--and when All Sovereigns else were dozed, at last Speeched down the Sovereign of Belfast. Oh! mid the praises and the trophies Thou gain'st from Morosophs and Sophis; Mid all the tributes to thy fame, There's one thou shouldst be chiefly pleased at-- That Ireland gives her snuff thy name, And CASTLEREAGH'S the thing now sneezed at!

But hold, my pen!--a truce to praising-- Tho' even your Lordship will allow The theme's temptations are amazing; But time and ink run short, and now, (As _thou_ wouldst say, my guide and teacher In these gay metaphorie fringes, I must _embark_ into the _feature_ On which this letter chiefly _hinges_;) My Book, the Book that is to prove-- And _will_, (so help ye Sprites above, That sit on clouds, as grave as judges, Watching the labors of the FUDGES!) _Will_ prove that all the world, at present, Is in a state extremely pleasant; That Europe--thanks to royal swords And bayonets, and the Duke commanding-- Enjoys a peace which, like the Lord's, Passeth all human understanding: That France prefers her go-cart King To such a coward scamp as BONEY; Tho' round, with each a leading-string. There standeth many a Royal crony, For fear the chubby, tottering thing Should fall, if left there _loney-poney_;-- That England, too, the more her debts, The more she spends, the richer gets; And that the Irish, grateful nation! Remember when by _thee_ reigned over, And bless thee for their flagellation, As HELOISA did her lover![2]-- That Poland, left for Russia's lunch Upon the sideboard, snug reposes: While Saxony's as pleased as Punch, And Norway "on a bed of roses!" That, as for some few million souls, Transferred by contract, bless the clods! If half were strangled--Spaniards, Poles, And Frenchmen--'twouldn't make much odds, So Europe's goodly Royal ones Sit easy on their sacred thrones; So FERDINAND embroiders gayly,[3] And Louis eats his _salmi_ daily; So time is left to Emperor SANDY To be _half_ Caesar and _half_ Dandy; And GEORGE the REGENT (who'd forget That doughtiest chieftain of the set?) Hath wherewithal for trinkets new, For dragons, after Chinese models, And chambers where Duke Ho and Soo Might come and nine times knock their noddles!-- All this my Quarto'll prove--much more Than Quarto ever proved before:-- In reasoning with the _Post_ I'll vie, My facts the _Courier_ shall supply, My jokes VANSITTART, PEELE my sense, And thou, sweet Lord, my eloquence!

My Journal, penned by fits and starts, On BIDDY'S back or BOBBY'S shoulder, (My son, my Lord, a youth of parts, Who longs to be a small placeholder,) Is--tho' _I_ say't, that shouldn’t say-- Extremely good; and, by the way, _One_ extract from it--_only_ one-- To show its spirit, and I've done. _"Jul. thirty-first_.--Went, after snack, "To the Cathedral of St. Denny; "Sighed o'er the Kings of ages back, "And--gave the old Concierge a penny. "(_Mem_.--Must see _Rheims_, much famed, 'tis said, "For making Kings and ginger-bread.) "Was shown the tomb where lay, so stately, "A little Bourbon, buried lately, "Thrice high and puissant, we were told, "Tho' only twenty-four hours old! "Hear this, thought I, ye Jacobins: "Ye Burdetts, tremble in your skins! "If Royalty, but aged a day, "Can boast such high and puissant sway "What impious hand its power would fix, "Full fledged and wigged at fifty-six!"

The argument's quite new, you see, And proves exactly Q. E. D. So now, with duty to the KEGENT, I am dear Lord, Your most obedient, P. F.

_Hôtel Breteuil, Rue Rivoli_. Neat lodgings--rather dear for me; But BIDDY said she thought 'twould look! Genteeler thus to date my Book; And BIDDY'S right--besides, it curries Some favor with our friends at MURRAY'S, Who scorn what any man can say, That dates from Rue St. Honoré![4]

[1] This excellent imitation of the noble Lord's style shows how deeply Mr. Fudge must have studied his great original. Irish oratory, indeed, abounds with such startling peculiarities. Thus the eloquent Counsellor B----, in describing some hypocritical pretender to charity, said, "He put his hand in his breeches-pocket, like a crocodile, and," etc.

[2] See her Letters.

[3] It would be an edifying thing to write a history of the private amusements of sovereigns, tracing them down from the fly-sticking of Domitian, the mole-catching of Artabanus, the, hog-mimicking of Parmenides, the horse-currying of Aretas, to the petticoat-embroidering of Ferdinand, and the patience-playing of the Prince Regent!

[4] See the _Quarterly Review_ for May, 1816 where Mr. Hobhouse is accused of having written his book "in a back street of the French capital."