Chapter 19

SCENE. Pavilion attached to King Hildebrand's Palace. Soldiers and courtiers discovered looking out through opera-glasses, telescopes, etc., Florian leading.

CHORUS AND SOLO (Florian) "Search throughout the panorama"

Chorus: Search throughout the panorama For a sign of royal Gama, Who to-day should cross the water With his fascinating daughter— Ida is her name.

Some misfortune evidently Has detained them — consequently Search throughout the panorama For the daughter of King Gama, Prince Hilarion's flame! Prince Hilarion's flame!

SOLO - Florian

Florian: Will Prince Hilarion's hopes be sadly blighted?

Chorus: Who can tell? Who can tell?

Florian: Will Ida break the vows that she has plighted?

Chorus: Who can tell? Who can tell?

Florian: Will she back out, and say she did not mean them?

Chorus: Who can tell?

Florian: If so, there'll be the deuce to pay between them!

Chorus: No, no — we'll not despair, we'll not despair, For Gama would not dare To make a deadly foe Of Hildebrand, and so, Search through the panorama For a sign of royal Gama, Who today should cross the water With his fascinating daughter— Ida, Ida is her name.

(Enter King Hildebrand with Cyril)

Hildebd: See you no sign of Gama?

Florian: None, my liege!

Hildebd: It's very odd indeed. If Gama fail To put in an appearance at our Court Before the sun has set in yonder west, And fail to bring the Princess Ida here To whom our son Hilarion was betrothed At the extremely early age of one, There's war between King Gama and ourselves! (aside to Cyril) Oh, Cyril, how I dread this interview! It's twenty years since he and I have met. He was a twisted monster — all awry—— As though Dame Nature, angry with her work, Had crumpled it in fitful petulance!

Cyril: But, sir, a twisted and ungainly trunk Often bears goodly fruit. Perhaps he was A kind, well-spoken gentleman?

Hildebd: Oh, no! For, adder-like, his sting lay in his tongue. (His "sting" is present, though his "stung" is past.)

Florian: (looking through glass) But stay, my liege; o'er yonder mountain's brow Comes a small body, bearing Gama's arms; And now I look more closely at it, sir, I see attached to it King Gama's legs; From which I gather this corollary That that small body must be Gama's own!

Hildebd: Ha! Is the Princess with him?

Florian: Well, my liege, Unless her highness is full six feet high, And wears mustachios too — and smokes cigars—— And rides en cavalier in coat of steel—— I do not think she is.

Hildebd: One never knows. She's a strange girl, I've heard, and does odd things! Come, bustle there! For Gama place the richest robes we own—— For Gama place the coarsest prison dress—— For Gama let our best spare bed be aired—— For Gama let our deepest dungeon yawn—— For Gama lay the costliest banquet out—— For Gama place cold water and dry bread! For as King Gama brings the Princess here, Or brings her not, so shall King Gama have Much more than everything — much less than nothing!

SONG (Hildebrand and Chorus) "Now Hearken to my Strict Command"

Hildebd: Now hearken to my strict command On every hand, on every hand——

Chorus: To your command, On every hand, We dutifully bow.

Hildebd: If Gama bring the Princess here, Give him good cheer, give him good cheer.

Chorus: If she come here We'll give him a cheer, And we will show you how. Hip, hip, hurrah! hip, hip, hurrah! Hip, hip, hurrah! hurrah! hurrah! We'll shout and sing Long live the King, And his daughter, too, I trow! Then shout ha! ha! hip, hip, hurrah! Hip, hip, hip, hip, hurrah! For the fair Princess and her good papa, Hurrah, hurrah!

Hildebd: But if he fail to keep his troth, Upon our oath, we'll trounce them both!

Chorus: He'll trounce them both, Upon his oath, As sure as quarter-day!

Hildebd: We'll shut him up in a dungeon cell, And toll his knell on a funeral bell.

Chorus: From his dungeon cell, His funeral knell Shall strike him with dismay! Hip, hip, hurrah! hip, hip, hurrah! Hip, hip, hurrah! hurrah! hurrah! As up we string The faithless King, In the old familiar way! We'll shout ha! ha! hip, hip, hurrah! Hip, hip, hip, hip, hurrah! As we make an end of her false papa, Hurrah, hurrah!

(Exeunt all)

(Enter Hilarion)

RECITATIVE AND SONG (Hilarion) "Today we meet"

RECITATIVE - Hilarion

To-day we meet, my baby bride and I— But ah, my hopes are balanc'd by my fears! What transmutations have been conjur'd by The silent alchemy of twenty years!

BALLAD - Hilarion

Ida was a twelve-month old, Twenty years ago! I was twice her age, I'm told, Twenty years ago! Husband twice as old as wife Argues ill for married life Baleful prophecies were rife, Twenty years ago, Twenty years ago!

Still, I was a tiny prince Twenty years ago. She has gained upon me, since Twenty years ago. Though she's twenty-one, it's true, I am barely twenty-two— False and foolish prophets you Twenty years ago, Twenty years ago!

(Enter Hildebrand)

Hilarion: Well, father, is there news for me at last?

Hildebd: King Gama is in sight, but much I fear With no Princess!

Hilarion: Alas, my liege, I've heard, That Princess Ida has forsworn the world, And, with a band of women, shut herself Within a lonely country house, and there Devotes herself to stern philosophies!

Hildebd: Then I should say the loss of such a wife Is one to which a reasonable man Would easily be reconciled.

Hilarion: Oh, no! Or I am not a reasonable man. She is my wife — has been for twenty years! (Holding glass) I think I see her now.

Hildebd: Ha! Let me look!

Hilarion: In my mind's eye, I mean — a blushing bride All bib and tucker, frill and furbelow! How exquisite she looked as she was borne, Recumbent, in her foster-mother's arms! How the bride wept — nor would be comforted Until the hireling mother-for-the-nonce Administered refreshment in the vestry. And I remember feeling much annoyed That she should weep at marrying with me. But then I thought, "These brides are all alike. You cry at marrying me? How much more cause You'd have to cry if it were broken off!" These were my thoughts; I kept them to myself, For at that age I had not learnt to speak.

(Exeunt Hildebrand and Hilarion)

(Enter Courtiers)

CHORUS "From the distant panorama"

Chorus: From the distant panorama Come the sons of royal Gama. They are heralds evidently, And are sacred consequently, Sons of Gama, hail! oh, hail!

(Enter Arac, Guron, and Scynthius)

TRIO (Arac, Guron, Scynthius and Chorus) "We are Warriors Three"

SONG - Arac

Arac: We are warriors three, Sons of Gama, Rex, Like most sons are we, Masculine in sex.

All Three: Yes, yes, yes, Masculine in sex.

Arac: Politics we bar, They are not our bent; On the whole we are Not intelligent.

All Three: No, no, no, Not intelligent.

Arac: But with doughty heart, And with trusty blade We can play our part— Fighting is our trade.

All Three: Yes, yes, yes, Fighting is our trade.

Bold and fierce, and strong, ha! ha! For a war we burn, With its right or wrong, ha! ha! We have no concern. Order comes to fight, ha! ha! Order is obey'd, We are men of might, ha! ha! Fighting is our trade. Yes — yes, yes, Fighting is our trade, ha! ha!

THE THREE PRINCIPALS CHORUS Fighting is our trade, ha ha! They are men of might, ha! ha! Fighting is their trade. Order comes to fight, ha! ha! Order is obey'd! Order comes to fight! Ha, Ha! Order is obey'd! Fighting Fighting is. Yes, yes, yes, is Fighting is our trade, ha their Ha! trade!

(Enter King Gama)

SONG (Gama) "If you give me your Attention"

Gama: If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am: I'm a genuine philanthropist — all other kinds are sham. Each little fault of temper and each social defect In my erring fellow-creatures, I endeavour to correct. To all their little weaknesses I open people's eyes; And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise; I love my fellow creatures — I do all the good I can— Yet ev'rybody says I'm such a disagreeable man! And I can't think why!

To compliments inflated I've a withering reply; And vanity I always do my best to mortify; A charitable action I can skillfully dissect; And interested motives I'm delighted to detect; I know ev'rybody's income and what ev'rybody earns; And I carefully compare it with the income-tax returns; But to benefit humanity however much I plan, Yet ev'rybody says I'm such a disagreeable man! And I can't think why!

I'm sure I'm no ascetic; I'm as pleasant as can be; You'll always find me ready with a crushing repartee, I've an irritating chuckle, I've a celebrated sneer, I've an entertaining snigger, I've a fascinating leer. To ev'rybody's prejudice I know a thing or two; I can tell a woman's age in half a minute — and I do. But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I can, Yet ev'rybody says I'm such a disagreeable man! And I can't think why!

Chorus: He can't think why! He can't think why!

(Enter Hildebrand, Hilarion, Cyril and Florian)

Gama: So this is Castle Hildebrand? Well, well! Dame Rumour whispered that the place was grand; She told me that your taste was exquisite, Superb, unparalleled!

Hildebnd: (Gratified) Oh, really, King!

Gama: But she's a liar! Why, how old you've grown! Is this Hilarion? Why, you've changed too— You were a singularly handsome child! (To Florian) Are you a courtier? Come, then ply your trade, Tell me some lies. How do you like your King? Vile rumour says he's all but imbecile. Now, that's not true?

Florian: My lord, we love our King. His wise remarks are valued by his court As precious stones.

Gama: And for the self-same cause. Like precious stones, his sensible remarks Derive their value from their scarcity! Come now, be honest, tell the truth for once! Tell it of me. Come, come, I'll harm you not. This leg is crooked — this foot is ill-designed— This shoulder wears a hump! Come, out with it! Look, here's my face! Now, am I not the worst Of Nature's blunders?

Cyril: Nature never errs. To those who know the workings of your mind, Your face and figure, sir, suggest a book Appropriately bound.

Gama: (Enraged) Why, harkye, sir, How dare you bandy words with me?

Cyril: No need To bandy aught that appertains to you.

Gama: (Furiously) Do you permit this, King?

Hildebd: We are in doubt Whether to treat you as an honoured guest Or as a traitor knave who plights his word And breaks it.

Gama: (Quickly) If the casting vote's with me, I give it for the former!

Hildebd: We shall see. By the terms of our contract, signed and sealed, You're bound to bring the Princess here to-day: Why is she not with you?

Gama: Answer me this: What think you of a wealthy purse-proud man, Who, when he calls upon a starving friend, Pulls out his gold and flourishes his notes, And flashes diamonds in the pauper's eyes? What name have you for such an one?

Hildebd: A snob.

Gama: Just so. The girl has beauty, virtue, wit, Grace, humour, wisdom, charity and pluck. Would it be kindly, think you, to parade These brilliant qualities before your eyes? Oh no, King Hildebrand, I am no snob!

Hildebd: (Furiously) Stop that tongue, Or you shall lose the monkey head that holds it!

Gama: Bravo! Your King deprives me of my head, That he and I may meet on equal terms!

Hildebd: Where is she now? (Threatening)

Gama: In Castle Adamant, One of my many country houses. There She rules a woman's University, With full a hundred girls, who learn of her.

Cyril: A hundred girls! A hundred ecstasies!

Gama: But no mere girls, my good young gentleman; With all the college learning that you boast, The youngest there will prove a match for you.

Cyril: With all my heart, if she's the prettiest! (To Florian) Fancy, a hundred matches — all alight!— That's if I strike them as I hope to do!

Gama: Despair your hope; their hearts are dead to men. He who desires to gain their favour must Be qualified to strike their teeming brains, And not their hearts. They're safety matches, sir, And they light only on the knowledge box— So you've no chance!

Florian: And there are no males whatever in those walls?

Gama: None, gentlemen, excepting letter mails— And they are driven (as males often are In other large communities) by women. Why, bless my heart, she's so particular She'll hardly suffer Dr. Watts's hymns— And all the animals she owns are "hers"! The ladies rise at cockcrow every morn—

Cyril: Ah, then they have male poultry?

Gama: Not at all, (Confidentially) The crowing's done by an accomplished hen!

FINALE (Gama, Hildebrand, Cyril, Hilarion, Florian and Chorus of Girls and Men)

DUET (Gama and Hildebrand) "P'raps if you Address the Lady"

Gama: P'raps if you address the lady Most politely, most politely— Flatter and impress the lady, Most politely, most politely,— Humbly beg and humbly sue— She may deign to look on you, But your doing you must do Most politely, most politely, most politely!

All: Humbly beg and humbly sue, She may deign to look on you, But your doing you must do Most politely, most politely, most politely!

Hildebd: Go you and inform the lady, Most politely, most politely, If she don't, we'll storm the lady Most politely, most politely!

(To Gama) You'll remain as hostage here; Should Hillarion disappear, We will hang you, never fear, Most politely, most politely, most politely!

All: He'll [I'll] [You'll] remain as hostage here. Should Hilarion disappear, They [We] will hang me [you] never fear, Most politely, most politely, most politely!

(Gama, Arac, Guron and Scynthius are marched off in custody, Hildebrand following)

RECITATIVE — Hilarion

Come, Cyril, Florian, our course is plain, To-morrow morn fair Ida we'll engage; But we will use no force her love to gain, Nature, nature has arm'd us for the war we wage!

TRIO — Hilarion, Cyril, and Florian

Hilarion: Expressive glances Shall be our lances, And pops of Sillery Our light artillery. We'll storm their bowers With scented showers Of fairest flowers That we can buy!

Chorus: Oh, dainty triolet! Oh, fragrant violet! Oh, gentle heigho-let! (Or little sigh). On sweet urbanity, Through mere inanity, To touch their vanity We will rely!

Cyril: When day is fading, With serenading And such frivolity We'll prove our quality. A sweet profusion Of soft allusion This bold intrusion Shall justify, This bold intrusion Shall justify.

Chorus: Oh, dainty triolet! Oh, fragrant violet! Oh, gentle heigho-let! (Or little sigh). On sweet urbanity, Through mere inanity, To touch their vanity We will rely!

Florian: We'll charm their senses With verbal fences, With ballads amatory And declamatory. Little heeding Their pretty pleading, Our love exceeding We'll justify! Our love exceeding We'll justify!

Chorus: Oh, dainty triolet! Oh, fragrant violet! Oh, gentle heigho-let! (Or little sigh). On sweet urbanity, Through mere inanity, To touch their vanity We will rely!

Sops: Oh dainty Altos, Tenors, and Basses: triolet! Oh fragrant Oh violet! Oh dain- gentle ty heigh-o-let! (Or tri- little o- sigh). let!

Hilarion & Cyril: Oh dainty Chorus: triolet! Oh fragrant Oh violet (Add Florian) Oh fra- gentle grant heigh-o-let! (Or vi- little o- sigh). let!

Sops & Altos: Tenors & Basses: Oh dainty Oh dainty triolet! Oh tri- fragrant o- violet let!

All: Oh dainty triolet! Oh fragrant violet!

(Re-enter Gama, Arac, Guron, and Scynthius heavily ironed, followed by Hildebrand)

RECITATIVE

Gama: Must we, till then, in prison cell be thrust?

Hildebd: You must!

Gama: This seems unnecessarily severe! Arac, Guron & Scyn: Hear, hear!

TRIO - Arac, Guron and Scynthius

For a month to dwell In a dungeon cell: Growing thin and wizen In a solitary prison, Is a poor look out For a soldier stout, Who is longing for the rattle Of a complicated battle— For the rum - tum - tum Of the military drum And the guns that go boom! boom!

All: The rum — tum — tum Of the military drum, Rum — tum — tum — tummy tummy tummy tummy tum Who is longing for the rattle of a complicated battle— For the rum tum tum Of the military drum! Prr, prr, prr, ra — pum — pum!

Hildebd: When Hilarion's bride Has at length complied With the just conditions Of our requisitions, You may go in haste And indulge your taste For the fascinating rattle Of a complicated battle— For the rum - tum - tum, Of the military drum, And the guns that go boom! boom!

All: The rum — tum — tum Of the military drum, Rum — tum — tum — tummy tummy tummy tummy tum! Who is longing for the rattle Of a complicated battle For the rum — tum — tum Of the military drum! Tum, prr — prr — prr ra — pum, pum!

But til that time you'll [we'll] here remain, And bail we [they] will not entertain, Should she our [his] mandate disobey, Your [Our] lives the penalty will pay! But till that time you'll [we'll] here remain, And bail we [they] will not entertain. Should she our [his] mandate disobey, Your [Our] lives the penalty will pay! Should she our [his] mandate disobey, Your [Our] lives the penalty will pay!

(Gama, Arac, Guron, and Synthius are marched off.)

END OF ACT I