Category: Humour
America older than Europe, Asia, or Africa.—Chronic Errors on the Subject.—Europe presented to America.—Truth vindicated.—Proofs of our Superior Antiquity.—Luxurious Civilization of the Races who stocked this Continent before the Indians.—Amount of Coal left by them unburned.—...
America older than Europe, Asia, or Africa.—Chronic Errors on the Subject.—Europe presented to America.—Truth vindicated.—Proofs of our Superior Antiquity.—Luxurious Civilizatio...
2. CHAPTER II.America not discovered by Jason.—Lithographic Specimens attributed to the Northmen in the Eleventh Century curious, but by Skalds more Modern.—Bishop Berkeley’s Western Star not...
3. CHAPTER III.Survey of Indian Character and Lands.—Our Pacific Intentions towards the Indians.—The Whites better read than the Red Men, and the Effects of Learning.—The Pale Complexion of th...
4. CHAPTER I.Some American Grounds, like Coffee, unsettled.—Some Settlements pulled up by the Roots; others chilled by Fever and Ague.—Moist Soils objected to except by Doctors.—Unexpected C...
5. CHAPTER II.Colored Views whitened.—Blue Ridges and Black Welts in Virginia.—Virginia, smothered up in Infancy by Charters, survives Royal nursing.—Her Vigilance against her Suitors.—Cotton...
6. CHAPTER III.John Smith historically considered.—The Number in Leading Cities stated.—How classified.—Why he is not put in a separate Volume or in an Appendix.—Origin of the Smiths.—American...
7. CHAPTER IV.Views of the New England States and Character determined by one’s Church.—Partial Notions about Clocks, Nutmegs, Pumpkin Pies, etc.—Getting an Historical Coach to one’s self.—Wh...
8. CHAPTER V.The Spirits of the Age present at its Foundation.—Who they were and how they were affected.—The Wonders of Manhattan in September, 1609.—How the Animal, Vegetable, Ornithologica...
9. CHAPTER VI.10. CHAPTER VII.Governments in their Action like Pianos.—The Reason; and illustrating Examples.—Varieties in the Make-ups of the different Settlers in the Colonies.—Character of Penn, and why i...
11. CHAPTER VIII.The Young Colonies watched by the “Old Folks at Home.”—Required to furnish Inventories of their Property.—Old People particular as to Shops where the Youngsters traded.—Several...
12. CHAPTER IX.The Witch-Caldron at Salem.—How its Bubbling raised Teapot Lids and has kept open other Lids ever since.—The Young Female Witches at Salem condemned to the Ties of Matrimony; th...
13. CHAPTER X.First-class Telescope to see the MANNERS of a Past Age.—Difficulties of Near-sighted and Long-sighted People.—Near Objects more embarrassing to the Observer than Distant.—Why?—T...
14. CHAPTER XI.The Colonial Colts in the large, open Field of the Eighteenth Century.—The Effects of a Sniff of French Gunpowder.—Queen Anne’s War, 1702–1713; its Cost and Results in Europe an...
15. CHAPTER XII.No Hopes for the Millennium in American Colonies up to 1754.—More Swords than Ploughshares.—Mars in America.—Sixteen Indian Wars in 147 Years.—How they were fed by French Oil an...
16. CHAPTER XIII.The People as Yeast.—The Fermentation.—Washington, Samuel Adams, Patrick Henry, Rutledge, Franklin, Otis, and others, and their Value in the Colonial Fermenting-Pots.—State Cour...
17. CHAPTER I.The Express Train of the American Revolution.—The Hard Lot of the Colonists, and what they got from it.—Colonial Governors, like Old Topers at a Free Opening of a Tavern.—The Mi...
18. CHAPTER II.Review of our Historical Journey from the Start up to the Summit of the 4th of July.—_Résumé_ of our Tramp through Pre-Columbian and Post-Columbian Times.—Our March from St. Aug...
19. CHAPTER III.English Hawks gather around New York.—Washington watches them.—About an Esquire.—The Way the Germans took Brooklyn the first Time.—How they returned, not to their Mutton, but to...
20. CHAPTER IV.The different Opening of 1780 for those who pushed and those who obstructed the Revolutionary Wheel.—The Strain on both Sides.—Hard Spring in Charleston in Consequence of Leaden...
21. CHAPTER V.Every Community has its Axis of Growth.—That of the Confederation described.—Causes of the Distrust of Federated Power.—How the States preferred to sew up the Treasury Pocket ra...
22. CHAPTER I.The Constitution as a Resort for Shoppers in Civil Rights.—Every Kind of Article to be found either for Ordinary or Exceptional Use.—The Fringe called Preamble; its Thread, Text...
23. CHAPTER II.How the Thirteen Colonial Children crept into their New Bed.—The Upholstering described.—Why Rhode Island was last in.—Who tucked her up.—Washington as Superintendent, and John...
24. CHAPTER III.Modern Photographic Albums like Ancient Roman Simulacra.—The Pleasure of looking at the Likenesses of Friends.—The Portraits of our Fore-Fathers.—Our dear old Great-Grandfather...
25. CHAPTER IV.The Pre-Adamite Epoch: its Upheavals and Disruptions in America, and the red-hot diplomatic Stones, Fauchet and Adet, ejected from France upon us.—The new French Acrostics; and...
26. CHAPTER V.The Cereals and Serials of the last Century.—Hares caught before cooked.—Useless Indians put under Ground.—Human Bones the Phosphates of History.—The Statecraft of Washington, J...
27. CHAPTER VI.Few Removals by Mr. Jefferson from the Ungilt, Official Chairs.—Mr. Smith gets into the Navy.—Who started long Messages to Congress; and the Difficulty of finding an End to them...
28. CHAPTER VII.The Captain and Officers of the “Seventeen Sisters” which put to Sea in a Gale.—Diplomatic Talks.—Difference between one’s own Cows gored, and one’s own Bull in a Neighbor’s Fie...
29. CHAPTER VIII.Why Byron did not write sometimes.—Application.—Rainbow after the Shower.—The Happy Family.—An Inlaid Cabinet.—Virginia’s Dower Rights in the Presidency.—Five New States.—The Th...
30. CHAPTER IX.Parallel between Sidney Smith’s Old Razor and J. Q. Adams’s Term.—How several Gentlemen, touched by Age, reached in Vain after Honors too high.—Who they were; and what Acid Grap...
31. CHAPTER X.Military Men, domesticated to Civil Life, like tamed Animals.—General Jackson’s Camp Traits in the White Den at Washington.—His Prehensile Habits claw out the Eyes of several Me...
32. CHAPTER XI.A New-Yorker reaches the White House, and has Hard Fare there.—The Disadvantages of Competition.—A Financial Earthquake breaks large Amounts of Crockery.—How much made a Pile in...
33. CHAPTER XII.General Harrison’s Death and Life-Insurance Companies.—Whig Bank-Bills with no Tyler Bodies to suit them.—A Good Flint which required a first-rate Gun, Stock, Breech, and Barrel...
34. CHAPTER XIII.The Floor Committee for the coming Polka described.—History of previous Balls, Country Dances, Virginia Reels, Quincy Waltzes, Irish Jigs, South Carolina Shake-ups, etc.—General...
35. CHAPTER XIV.The contrasted Beginning and End of the Half-Century.—What America brought to the New-Year’s Day of 1850 in the Raw, and what for the Grill of more refined Tastes.—Historical St...
36. CHAPTER XV.The Young Polka Dancer becomes Floor Manager.—The large Apples of Discord emptied on the Floor of Congress.—What they were; and the Pacific Trees from which they fell.—Of Califo...
37. CHAPTER XVI.Reference, by Believers in the Transmigration of Souls, to Mr. Pierce for its Proof.—His real and apparent Age.—The Slave Colossal Figure bestrides the Presidential Harbor.—How...
38. CHAPTER XVII.The new Missionary Party and its Growth.—Character of Mr. Buchanan, and his Want of Same.—Description of curious Drawers in his Cabinet.—The Uses of Isaac Toucey.—The Lecompton...
39. CHAPTER XVIII.The Second Generation of our Great Men nearer in Time but not in Affection.—Several sufficient Reasons therefor.—Ingenious Biographers confusing our Verdicts over old Offenders....
40. CHAPTER XIX.Striking Historical Contrasts of professed Virtue and cruel Enforcement.—The American Fetich; its strange, passionate Worship and armed Adoration.—The Freshet of Slavery traced...
41. CHAPTER XX.How mixed Blood effervesces.—Of the Causes and Developments of American Fastness.—Unrest in Prisons and at Home.—Time lost in Sleep, etc.—The distressing Hurry of Brains.—Compre...
42. CHAPTER XXI.Puzzles about Hemp and Paper.—Weak Brains at rest.—The Return of the Holders of Sabres and Guns.—Our Dead.—Fighters become Workers.—A Modern Sisyphus rolls a Stone up Hill.—How...
43. CHAPTER XXII.The supposed Difficulties of writing History in advance considered, and the Popular Delusions on the Subject disposed of.—Lively Expectations of what our future Presidents, Cabi...