SCENE V.[1151

BOBADILL _is discovered lying on his bench_.

_Bob._ Hostess, hostess!

[_Enter_ TIB.]

_Tib._ What say you, sir?

_Bob._ A cup o’ thy small beer, sweet hostess.

_Tib._ Sir, there’s a gentleman below would speak with you. 5

_Bob._ A gentleman! ’odso, I am not within.

_Tib._ My husband told him you were, sir.

_Bob._ What a plague—what meant he?

_Mat._ (_below._) Captain Bobadill!

_Bob._ Who’s there!—Take away the bason, good hostess;—Come up, sir. 11

_Tib._ He would desire you to come up, sir. You come into a cleanly house, here!

[_Enter_ MATHEW.]

_Mat._ Save you, sir; save you, captain!

_Bob._ Gentle master Mathew! Is it you, sir? Please you sit down. 16

_Mat._ Thank you, good captain; you may see I am somewhat audacious.

_Bob._ Not so, sir. I was requested to supper last night by a sort[1152] of gallants, where you (20) were wish’d for, and drunk to, I assure you.

_Mat._ Vouchsafe me, by whom, good captain?

_Bob._ Marry, by young Wellbred, and others.—Why, hostess, a stool here for this gentleman.

_Mat._ No haste, sir, ’tis very well. 25

_Bob._ Body o’ me! it was so late ere we parted last night, I can scarce open my eyes yet; I was but new risen, as you came. How passes the day abroad, sir? you can tell.

_Mat._ Faith, some half hour to seven. Now, (30) trust me, you have an exceeding fine lodging here, very neat, and private.

_Bob._ Ay, sir: sit down, I pray you. Master Mathew, in any case possess no gentlemen of our acquaintance with notice of my lodging. 35

_Mat._ Who? I, sir? No.

_Bob._ Not that I need to care who know it, for the cabin is convenient; but in regard I would not be too popular, and generally visited, as some are. 40

_Mat._ True, captain, I conceive you.

_Bob._ For, do you see, sir, by the heart of valour in me, except it be to some peculiar and choice spirits, to whom I am extraordinarily engag’d, as yourself, or so, I could not extend (45) thus far.

_Mat._ O Lord, sir! I resolve[1153] so.

_Bob._ I confess I love a cleanly and quiet privacy, above all the tumult and roar of fortune. What new book ha’ you there? What! “Go (50) by, Hieronymo?”[1154]

_Mat._ Ay: did you ever see it acted? Is’t not well penn’d?

_Bob._ Well penn’d! I would fain see all the poets of these times pen such another play (55) as that was: they’ll prate and swagger, and keep a stir of art and devices, when, as I am a gentleman, read ’em, they are the most shallow, pitiful, barren fellows that live upon the face of the earth again. 60

_Mat._ Indeed here are a number of fine speeches in this book. _O eyes, no eyes, but fountains fraught with tears!_ There’s a conceit! _Fountains fraught with tears! O life, no life, but lively form of death!_—another. _O world, no (65) world, but mass of public wrongs!_—a third. _Confused and fill’d with murder and misdeeds!_—a fourth. O, the muses! Is’t not excellent? Is’t not simply the best that ever you heard, captain? Ha! how do you like it? 70

_Bob._ ’Tis good.

Mat. _To thee, the purest object to my sense, The most refined essence heaven covers, Send I these lines, wherein I do commence The happy state of turtle-billing lovers. 75 If they prove rough, unpolish’d, harsh, and rude, Haste made the waste: thus mildly I conclude._

_Bob._ Nay, proceed, proceed. Where’s this? BOBADILL _is making himself ready all this while_.

_Mat._ This, sir! a toy o’ mine own, in my nonage; the infancy of my muses. But (80) when will you come and see my study? Good faith, I can shew you some very good things I have done of late.—That boot becomes your leg passing well, captain, methinks.

_Bob._ So, so; it’s the fashion gentlemen (85) now use.

_Mat._ Troth, captain, and now you speak o’ the fashion, master Wellbred’s elder brother and I are fall’n out exceedingly. This other day, I happ’ned to enter into some discourse (90) of a hanger,[1155] which, I assure you, both for fashion and workmanship, was most peremptory[1156] beautiful and gentlemanlike: yet he condemn’d, and cri’d it down for the most pied[1157] and ridiculous that he ever saw. 95

_Bob._ Squire Downright, the half-brother, was’t not?

_Mat._ Ay, sir, he.

_Bob._ Hang him, rook![1158] he! why he has no more judgment than a malt-horse. By St. (100) George, I wonder you’d lose a thought upon such an animal; the most peremptory[1156] absurd clown of Christendom, this day, he is holden. I protest to you, as I am a gentleman and a soldier, I ne’er chang’d words with his like. 105 By his discourse, he should eat nothing but hay; he was born for the manger, pannier, or packsaddle. He has not so much as a good phrase in his belly, but all old iron and rusty proverbs: a good commodity for some smith to make (110) hob-nails of.

_Mat._ Ay, and he thinks to carry it away[1159] with his manhood still, where he comes: he brags he will gi’ me the bastinado, as I hear.

_Bob._ How! he the bastinado! How came (115) he by that word, trow?

_Mat._ Nay, indeed, he said cudgel me; I term’d it so, for my more grace.

_Bob._ That may be; for I was sure it was none of his word: but when, when said he so? 120

_Mat._ Faith, yesterday, they say; a young gallant, a friend of mine, told me so.

_Bob._ By the foot of Pharaoh, an ’twere my case now, I should send him a chartel[1160] presently. The bastinado! a most proper and sufficient (125) dependence,[1161] warranted by the great Caranza.[1162] Come hither, you shall chartel him; I’ll show you a trick or two you shall kill him with at pleasure; the first stoccata,[1163] if you will, by this air. 130

_Mat._ Indeed, you have absolute knowledge i’ the mystery, I have heard, sir.

_Bob._ Of whom, of whom, ha’ you heard it, I beseech you?

_Mat._ Troth, I have heard it spoken of divers, (135) that you have very rare, and un-in-one-breath-utterable skill, sir.

_Bob._ By heaven, no, not I; no skill i’ the earth; some small rudiments i’ the science, as to know my time, distance, or so. I have profest (140) it more for noblemen and gentlemen’s use, than mine own practice, I assure you.—Hostess, accommodate us with another bed-staff here quickly. [_Enter_ TIB.] Lend us another bed-staff—the woman does not understand the words (145) of action.—Look you, sir: exalt not your point above this state, at any hand, and let your poniard maintain your defence, thus:—give it the gentleman, and leave us. [_Exit_ TIB.] So, sir. Come on: O, twine your body more about, (150) that you may fall to a more sweet, comely, gentleman-like guard; so! indifferent: hollow your body more, sir, thus: now, stand fast o’ your left leg, note your distance, keep your due proportion of time.—Oh, you disorder your (155) point most irregularly!

_Mat._ How is the bearing of it now, sir?

_Bob._ O, out of measure ill. A well experienc’d hand would pass upon you at pleasure.

_Mat._ How mean you, sir, pass upon me? 160

_Bob._ Why, thus, sir,—make a thrust at me—[MASTER MATHEW _pushes at_ BOBADILL] come in upon the answer, control your point, and make a full career at the body. The best-practis’d gallants of the time name it the passado; a most desperate thrust, believe it. 166

_Mat._ Well, come, sir.

_Bob._ Why, you do not manage your weapon with any facility or grace to invite me. I have no spirit to play with you; your dearth of 170 judgment renders you tedious.

_Mat._ But one venue,[1164] sir.

_Bob._ “Venue!” fie; the most gross denomination as ever I heard. O, the “stoccata,” while you live, sir; note that.—Come put 175 on your cloak, and we’ll go to some private place where you are acquainted; some tavern, or so—and have a bit. I’ll send for one of these fencers, and he shall breathe[1165] you, by my direction; and then I will teach you your (180) trick: you shall kill him with it at the first, if you please. Why, I will learn you, by the true judgment of the eye, hand, and foot, to control any enemy’s point i’ the world. Should your adversary confront you with a pistol, ’twere (185) nothing, by this hand! You should, by the same rule, control his bullet, in a line, except it were hail shot, and spread. What money have you about you, master Mathew?

_Mat._ Faith, I ha’ not past a two shillings (190) or so.

_Bob._ ’Tis somewhat with the least; but come; we will have a bunch of radish and salt to taste our wine, and a pipe of tobacco to close the orifice of the stomach: and then we’ll (195) call upon young Wellbred. Perhaps we shall meet the Corydon[1166] his brother there, and put him to the question. [_Exeunt._]