Part 13

"As a child I had been left to nurses and governesses, seldom allowed to enter my mother's room, and whenever the opportunity occurred, it was quite apparent that I was there on sufferance, and that the sooner I left the better it would be for every one concerned. When old enough I was sent to school, and as I was nearly seventeen when I left, you can fancy that my associations with home life were not strong. But though my love may have been weak, it did not prevent me from feeling both pity and terror as I looked on my mother.

"Up to this time I had never been brought face to face either with acute suffering or death. As I stood in helpless perplexity, her rambling words still more alarmed me.

"'I see it all!' she cried. 'Damned! after all I am damned!--Look! the road is broad, and hedged in on both sides with flowers--let me get out of it.--Ah! I cannot!--The thorns cut into my flesh, look--look!--did I not say so?--The smoke is rising there in the distance;--it is coming this way, a great cloud sweeping over me--suffocating me.'

"With a terrible cry she struggled violently for a moment with her hands, tearing wildly at her throat; then with an awful groan she fell back dead!

"I will not dwell upon what followed, or how my father, who had never seemed to care for her in life, now that she was gone referred to her as the only bond which had bound him to earth. He, however, soon grew resigned to what he called 'the mysterious dispensations of Providence.' I had, moreover, during the weeks that followed, to put up with what was to me an exceedingly painful form of retrospection on his part, which usually took place after dinner.

"'My dear,' he would begin, 'if only we could foresee the future, how differently should we act! Many a time have I felt peevish and irritable because your sainted mother was unable to fulfil those duties which her station in life required. It is true that at times I considered there was little excuse for this neglect; but I have been chastened, greatly chastened for such suspicion. A divine Providence has torn from me the jewel which I failed to value, and I must now wander alone through this valley of tears. But resignation, my child--resignation! In vain do we kick against the pricks, and draw our sword to contend with fate. Let us rather ponder on the lesson thus given us, that we may be purged from our evil ways!'

"This sort of talk would continue for some time; the more depressed he became, the more necessary he seemed to find it to continue filling up and emptying his glass, till at last the tears of emotion mingled with the port, and he sank back in his easy chair, to meditate, I suppose, with his eyes shut.

"During the day he seemed fairly cheerful, and spent much of his time with the gamekeepers; for, as he explained to me, it was absolutely necessary for the place to be properly kept up, so that when the shooting season came round, I might be able to entertain my friends. No doubt he meant his friends, but that was the way he put it.

"While he was thus busying himself with outdoor matters, I had the indoor arrangements to attend to, which threw me much in the way of Mrs. King. She was a dear old character; but had my father known her sentiments, it is probable that he would never have engaged her.

"She entirely refused to accept the present position of things, and treated my separation from Vancome as a little temporary joke, which it was her duty to bring to an end as speedily as possible.

"'My dear lady,' she said one day, after giving me a more than usually long piece of family history, 'I shall be glad when Master Frank--my lord, I mean--comes back. Such a nice young man as he is, too, and the prettiest child he was for miles round. You should just have seen the way as every one did spoil him. There were no resisting of his pretty ways. A bit larky, I know, but bless your heart, boys ain't worth much if they don't show spirit! Pity it were his poor dear father and mother both died afore he was a bit older; for though my lord, as was, did give him a free hand, he wouldn't have let him gamble away the old place, so that his wife, bless her, had to buy it back again--not he!'

"'But you don't think I am going to live with him again?' I said. 'It is true that in a foolish moment I married him, but then things were different; I didn't know what he was like, and very likely you have no idea of what he is now. You should hear of the way he goes on in London! It is not the gambling I mind so much, though that is bad enough; but the actresses and ballet-girls with whom he associates--oh! it is simply awful!'

"'Oh! my poor, dear, innocent lady!--whoever can have gone a-talking to you about such things! But, bless your heart! you believe an old woman, there ain't no real badness in Master Frank. He always was a bit too fond perhaps of a pretty face, but then all of 'em is much the same. It is the girl's fault, I reckon, nine times out of ten; and many's the day I've had to bustle off some young minx of a housemaid, or maybe even a scullery wench, for the way they'd carry on, and he no more than a boy of fifteen! I ain't got any patience, that I haven't, with the girls of the present day! No self-respect, or keeping in their place. Why, I've even heard 'em a'quarrelling as to which he were fondest of, and which he had kissed last. But I soon had the hussies out of the house in those days! And I got pretty careful about the choice of their successors; they weren't overdone with good looks the next lot, I can tell you! Well, you see, when a young man goes out like into the world, he has got to sow his wild oats a bit afore he settles down; but you take an old woman's word for it, the young lord's good at heart, and happy you'll make me when I see the two of you together. Ay! and when I hold the young lord that is to be in these arms, as I did his father nigh on twenty-seven years ago!'

"After this manner and, as I got to know her better, in an even more familiar strain, did the old housekeeper do her best to alter my decision. Her arguments might have lacked logic, but she was a clever old thing in her way, and the love which she really felt for her young lord was more powerful than her justification of his faults. The stories of his childhood, picked doubtless out of many less attractive, were always in his favour, and showed his bravery, affection, and brightness. What, however, influenced me more than anything else were her pictures of the romantic side of married life, which differed entirely from anything I had been led to fancy. She would conclude a long rambling discourse on the subject in this manner--

"'Ah! little can you know what a woman misses as never has a chance of being loved--never can turn her mind back to the joys which come flocking down on a bride. Thanks be to heaven! I knowed it, though it weren't for long. But when I looks at an old maid, why I feels just fit to cry. To have gone through life and not know nothing about it! Never to have felt that there was one man as loved you, and would have done anything to call you his own--to feel each year as it goes by that your chance is getting less of waking out of this sort of half-and-half existence, and beginning to live! It is just this. A girl as isn't married ain't natural; and things as ain't natural ain't good in no ways. We was told to be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth, and they as can and don't, is to my mind going right dead against Scripture!'"

*CHAPTER X*

"Two months passed, and it is probable that soon I might have tired of the monotony of this existence, had not my school-friend, Amy Howell, come to stay with me. She was one of a large family, and her father, a country clergyman, having recently lost money, had now some difficulty in making both ends meet.

"At school we had been great friends; she was a year older than myself, and as great a contrast in appearance as in disposition. Her short, black, and rather coarse hair curled round a pretty forehead; she had a dark, clear complexion--the colour of cream in which a few drops of coffee have been mixed; a bright, deep colour; full, pretty-shaped, pouting lips, ever ready and ever seeming ready for kisses; while the natural gaiety of her nature peeped through the thick lashes which partially concealed her large hazel eyes.

"She possessed a fortunate knack of always being able to make herself agreeable, and of appearing to take an interest in any subject that might arise. Her enemies called her insincere, a flatterer, and time-server; but I cannot say that I ever noticed these faults myself. Her worst enemy could not have called her dull.

"She soon became a great favourite with my father, who found her a sympathetic listener to his woes whenever he felt disposed to air them. Mrs. King could not speak too highly of her, and the servants were unanimous in their praise of her consideration and kindness.

"'It is surprising why people are ever nasty,' she said to me one day, when I was commenting on her popularity. 'It is so easy to make people like you if you only try. To be cross with others makes one cross with oneself. Now you, for instance, are always kind, and think what a happy life you have!'

"'I don't know so much about my kindness,' I answered; 'any way, it's quite a different thing from yours. Now look at the way you got over old Mrs. Scott yesterday; I simply can't bear the woman, with her conceited vulgarity!--and her patronizing manner puts all my bristles up. I feel I could scratch her! While if she had been your lover instead of an ugly old woman, you could hardly have appeared more affectionate!'

"'Well, perhaps I'm not quite so naturally truthful as you are, dear,' she said. 'I do not like her myself, but why should we show it? It's so nice to be liked; and you never know when it may be to your advantage to make a friend, and I'm sure it is never any good to make an enemy. She might set some one against me whom I might really like. Besides, the truth is this--I cannot help it. Whenever I see a person, male or female, young or old, a distinct inclination comes over me to purr. I want them to take notice of me, and stroke my back; so if they do not start at once I'm obliged to rub softly against their feet, and let them know I require a caress. I read a book once about the transmigration of souls, or something of that kind, which said that people have been animals once. It's rather a funny idea! I like to fancy what each person has passed through in a previous existence. I think I must have died an untimely death as a kitten, and have to work out the rest of the purring stage here.'

"'What do you think I looked like in the last stage?' I asked.

"'Oh, I think you were a fawn, and it is that which makes you shun that old spotted leopardess, so that you feel inclined to retire into the next cover, you poor little timid thing, hiding away even from your husband!'

"'Why, you don't think I'm afraid of him,' I asked, 'do you?'

"'Well, how can I tell? If I had a husband I rather fancy I should be wanting to have him handy. Wouldn't I just make him wild about me! Of course I know how you feel, and the way he has acted. No doubt you are quite right; but I should want to make him sorry that he couldn't take me in his arms; and shouldn't I just make him jealous! Look at your position. Don't I wish that I had your chances! He can't come unless you let him, so you can do as you please; ask a lot of nice people to the house, and enjoy yourself. I should flirt a little perhaps! It's wrong; but you know I don't set up to be good, and I'm certain it would be impossible for me to resist the temptation. Then I'd take care to let him know all about it. Yes, dear, that would be the way to punish him--drive him mad with jealousy! You may be quite certain that he manages to find out all about your doings, and I call it just pampering him the way you go on. He knows you're quite safe, no doubt. Mr. Sydney's gone to India; you are shut up with your father and your school-friend, while he is free to enjoy himself, and knows that one day he will be forgiven, and can well afford to wait.'

"'He is quite mistaken if he thinks that, I can tell you!' I answered rather angrily, being annoyed with the way she had put the case.

"'That may be,' she said, jumping up and giving me a kiss; 'but men are so conceited, dearest, and when he hears that you are moping here--they are sure to tell him you are moping, because women are always supposed to mope in the eyes of the male sex when deprived of their company--he'll believe it. Besides, think what people will say--that your husband was tired of you in less than a week, and that you are waiting here in solitude till he sees well to return. No, if I were you, he and the world should see that you don't want him, and that there are plenty of people dying to fall in love with you. Men never care for what they can have--at least, so it's said. But if you leave the thing to me, I'll answer for it we will bring him as a beggar to these gates before many months are over, and he will cry to be let in on any terms!'

"'But I won't have him on any terms,' I said. 'Nothing would induce me to live with him.'

"'Oh! that doesn't matter at all,' she replied, 'so long as we bring him to the door. There is no fun shutting the portal to one who thinks the place not worth an assault. People never believe in the old maid's desire for celibacy, unless she produces her proposals. That is why I intend to make all my lovers propose by letter; then when I'm an old maid, I shall have them framed and hung round the room, with photographs of the best-looking, and incomes of the wealthiest underneath.'

"I have given this conversation rather fully, as it may help you to understand my friend's character, and also how the changes in our manner of life, of which I am going to tell you, came about; for this talk, and many on the same subject, no doubt influenced me more than I fancied at the time.

"I was bitterly angry with my husband, and the fact that he had made no sign of wishing to see me aggravated the feeling. I heard from my father that he had returned, and pictured him enjoying his life in town. The idea that he imagined that I was quietly waiting his coming, was unbearable, and after a little opposition, I eventually adopted the plan which Amy suggested.

"Somerville is about five miles from the Cathedral City of L----. It is a gay little place, owing chiefly to the barracks, which are situated about a mile on our side of the town. The large number of officers quartered there at this time favoured our plan.

"I left all the arrangements to Amy; her brain was better fitted for the work, and she wasted no time in setting about her task. She persuaded my father it was absolutely necessary for his health, that he should have some congenial company to assist him with the port, and to cheer him up during his smoke. She showed such pity for his lonely state that, one evening when I happened to come into the room rather suddenly I found her kneeling at his side, and if I am not mistaken, she was even allowing him to give her a fatherly kiss. I don't remember feeling envious, but it vexed me, and she evidently noticed that I was annoyed, for before we parted that night, she said--

"'Your poor old father seemed so overcome when I spoke of his lonely evenings, that I could not help showing a little sympathy; but I think I've worked it all right. At first he said that he wanted no change--that he was contented in his present position. That was just when you came in. But when you left us alone together again, I tried another plan. I can see he does not like the idea of Lord Vancome coming back here, so I pointed out that if you were deprived of all society you would perhaps get tired of this kind of life, and want to change it. He then questioned me about you, and I incidentally mentioned that you had recently complained of never seeing any one, and that you had spoken on more than one occasion of your husband. That roused him. 'She must have society,' he said, 'you're quite right, my dear. I will see to it. I will ask one or two of the young fellows over from the barracks. There is Captain Frint, and Major Jackson, both capital fellows. I've played whist with them once or twice at the Conservative Club in L----.'

"I told her that she was a bad girl, and that she had no right to have spoken about me in that way; but she only laughed and kissed me, saying I was a sweet, pretty little innocent, who would turn the heads of fifty captains. Then she tripped off to her room, humming to herself--

'Where are you going, my pretty maid?'

"I fell asleep trying to answer the question.

"My father kept his word. The next morning he said that if I had no objection he was going to invite some friends over to dine, so that he might have a little whist in the evening. On the following Thursday evening they came: Colonel Collins, Major Jackson, and Captain Frint.

"As soon as Amy and I were alone together in the drawing-room, I asked her what she thought of the selection.

"'A 1,' she replied. 'The old Colonel seems a dull old boy, but Captain Frint will do for you splendidly as a start, while the Major shall be taken in hand by your humble servant. He looks a bit dangerous; it will be safer, therefore, if I take the risk, as should he be troublesome, it is easier for me to slip out of his clutches, but as you live here it might be awkward. Does the plan suit you?'

"'I don't know that I quite understand what you mean,' I replied; 'but I certainly prefer Captain Frint to the Major, and as for the old Colonel, he is quite impossible; he wouldn't make a bridegroom of eighty jealous!'

"Thus in comparative innocence we set the ball rolling, which was to carry both of us to the very border of destruction.

"The whist party did not come off that evening. Through the influence of the younger men, it was turned into a card-game which could include six. We played for money, and though the stakes were low I was rather uncomfortable about Amy, as I knew she could ill afford to lose even a small sum. Fortune, however, favoured her, and she rose from the table two or three pounds richer for the night's play; while, chiefly owing to my ignorance of the game, and a certain recklessness, I was a considerable loser.

"It was a bright moonlight night, and as my father and the Colonel seemed anxious to continue playing cards, we left them to try their luck at piquet, allowing ourselves to be persuaded by the younger men to go out for a stroll. At first we kept close together, but Amy soon carried the Major off to show him some view of the waterfall, and I found myself alone with Captain Frint.

"We walked for some time in silence; my companion seemed absorbed in thought, and I took the opportunity of studying his face carefully. His skin, which was clear and pale, in this light looked unnaturally white. His features were well formed, and finely cut, while the intensity of shadow added to the effect, giving his face a statuesque coldness and nobility; his head was uncovered, and I noticed from the first, how well-shaped was its outline: his forehead, which was naturally broad, seemed even larger than it really was, as the hair had receded from the temples. The lower part of the face was disappointing, the jaw too small, the mouth and chin effeminate.

"I was thus taking stock of my companion, when he turned and our eyes met.

"'How rude you will think me, Lady Vancome!' he said; 'the scene here is so like fairyland, that for a few moments I forgot my own existence, though conscious of yours. I'm rather given to these fits of absent-mindedness, which are evidently caused by some defect of the brain, for if anything interests me, my faculties go to sleep. I was just wondering whether fancy was not the only reality, and science a very dull fairy tale, for when our companions disappeared round the corner, they left me in sole possession of the Garden of Eden.'

"'Had it not been for the inconvenient presence of Eve, whom you were doubtless trying to forget.' I said this thoughtlessly; then, seeing the trap in which I had so easily been caught, I felt a hot blush pass over me as I continued--'But don't let me disturb you, Captain Frint. I would on no account interrupt your pleasant dream, and will join the others.'

"'Don't go,' he said, putting out his hand as though to stop me. 'Eden without Eve was found too dull for Adam, and I should be deprived even of his occupation. There are no beasts here to name.'

"'You can let loose your inventive faculty,' I said, 'and when you have finished with the animals you can invent Eve. You see, as fancy is the only reality, there can be no difficulty in the matter.'

"'But even fancy,' he replied, 'requires inspiration, and if you leave me, its light will be extinguished. Don't you know that as it takes two to quarrel, it takes two for inspiration--the inspirer and the inspired? Even children don't care to play alone. Do you not sometimes find it dull in this lovely home of yours? But I forgot, you have a companion, and I should fancy a bright and lively one. I suppose, however, that your husband will soon be back now: I heard that he was suddenly called away to America shortly after your marriage. It must have been very annoying to both of you!'

"What could I say? It had never occurred to me before that sooner or later it would be necessary to explain things. It was quite evident that whether I did so or not, people would soon hear of my husband's return to England. It seemed therefore better to give my own version rather than allow some worse report to get about, so I answered--

"'I would rather not go into the matter, but perhaps I ought to say that my marriage was a mistake, and that I think it very improbable that you will ever see Lord Vancome here!'

"Captain Frint looked at me for a moment, evidently so taken aback that he was unable to speak. It was quite plain that no report of the scandal had hitherto reached him. Then his manner changed: the half flippant tone in which he had before spoken was no longer noticeable as he said--

"'I am very sorry indeed. I had no idea of your trouble, or of course should not have referred to the subject. I hope you will forgive me.'

"'There is nothing to forgive,' I said. 'You must have known some time, and now I shall feel more comfortable when we meet. But do not let others know what I have told you; for though it is sure to come out, there is no occasion to make one's private affairs public while it is possible to keep them quiet.'

"'You may trust me,' he answered; 'and I shall always consider it a favour to be allowed to help you at any time and in any way. You have, I know, your father, but there are occasions perhaps when a younger man might be of some service. In any case I hope you will look upon me as your friend.'

"As he was speaking I heard the sound of laughter, and Amy called out to know where we were hiding. When she and her companion came up, she assured us that they had been looking all over the place to find us, which, considering that we had never moved from the terrace, seemed rather ridiculous.

"As I was never fond of sleeping alone, I had recently persuaded Amy to share my room, and this gave us extra time for conversation. As soon as the maid had left us on this eventful evening, I asked Amy what she thought of the first result of her scheme.

"'Capital!' she replied, 'things could not be moving better. Your father has a companion who suits him, so have I, and from what I could see you appear to be getting on fairly well.'