SCENE II

_The grounds--a grassy hillock--some trees. Enter the SPIDER, prowling mysteriously._

_The SPIDER should have eight legs, made of thick wire, bent and covered with black. Two curving from his feet, two from his hands, two from his head (fastened on to a round frame), two from his shoulders._

SPIDER. Ha, none of those horrid two-legged creatures about, I am glad to say. I should be ashamed to have so few legs. Now, let me see. Where shall I start my spinning? [_Sits on tuffet and looks round._] That bough, I think, would be best ... it's just the right kind of day--not too shiny, nor too damp. Just the sort of day for a fly not to see a web. [_Looks round._] Perhaps I'd better look round and see if there's a better place. Dear me, now there's a bluebottle gone swaggering past. If I'd had the web ready he'd have blundered straight into it. Fat blue thing! These winged creatures _are_ so stupid sometimes. Well, I mustn't lose any more time. [_Goes out R._

[_Enter NURSE, pushing pram in which the baby is supposed to be; MUFFET following, carrying a bowl very carefully and a spoon._

NURSE. Now, Miss Muffet, you had better sit down and eat your curds and whey or you'll be splashing it down your frock. Suppose you sit on that tuffet and eat it while I walk the baby about.

MUFFET. Is that called a tuffet? What a nice name!

NURSE. Yes, it's called a tuffet because that's where people sit to eat curds and whey.

MUFFET. Oh, I'll sit there then. [_Establishes herself carefully._] Now I'll pretend I'm on a desert island, Nurse, and you go away.

NURSE [_smiling_]. Very well. I leave you to the savages. Good-bye.

MUFFET [_calls after her_]. Nurse!

NURSE. Well?

MUFFET. You won't really go away, will you? You'll only pretend?

NURSE. Of course.

MUFFET. And they won't be real savages?

NURSE. Certainly not.

MUFFET. I always think it's so much nicer to pretend.

[_NURSE goes off R. MUFFET goes on eating her curds and whey. SPIDER comes in L. with coil of string. SPIDER, before seeing MUFFET, looks up at bough._

SPIDER. No, this is the best place, I'm sure.

[_Sees MUFFET, who has nearly eaten her curds. She looks up and sees him, and cries out._

MUFFET. Oh! Oh! Oh! Nurse! Nurse! Here's an enormous spider!

SPIDER. You are very rude--that's worse than being enormous.

MUFFET [_looking frightened_]. I'm very sorry--I didn't mean to be rude.

SPIDER [_mollified_]. And I didn't mean to be enormous. But I was born so.

MUFFET. Nurse! Nurse! [_She begins crying._

SPIDER. What's the matter, little Two-legs?

[_Sits down by her on the tuffet. MISS MUFFET puts down the curds and whey and rushes in to meet NURSE coming in L. with baby._

NURSE. What is it, darling? What's the matter?

MUFFET. Oh, Nursie, it's a spider--the biggest you ever saw, and he came and sat down beside me and frightened me away.

NURSE [_seeing_ SPIDER]. Oh! he _is_ a monster.

SPIDER. Really, the manners of these two-legged persons!

NURSE. I'll soon chase it away. Shoo! Shoo! I'll stamp upon him if I get a chance. That will teach him to be a spider.

[_SPIDER gets down off the tuffet and runs rapidly round the tree. NURSE pokes at it with her umbrella. Prolong chase ad libitum. Then SPIDER hides behind tree, looking out at intervals._

NURSE. There now, he's gone.

MUFFET. Oh dear, Nursie, I want to go home. I'm so frightened.

NURSE. Well, come along home then. [_Takes up bowl and pushes the pram._] Poor little Miss Muffet!

MUFFET. I sat on a tuffet eating my curds and whey and there came that big spider ... [_Buries her face against her nurse._

NURSE. And sat down beside her and frightened Miss Muffet away! Well, never mind, darling, he's gone into his hole, and you will never see him again. [_They go out L. SPIDER puts his head round the tree._

SPIDER. Hole, indeed! [_Comes out._] No hole for me, but a nice big web where I can see what is going on. Now, where shall I begin it? [_Looks round._] Ah, there, I think! But I'll just have a dance first--it's a great thing having so many legs for these new dances. [_Dances round. At end of dance._] And now to work! [_Throws rope over bough._

QUICK CURTAIN

HUMPTY DUMPTY

CHARACTERS

MRS. DUMPTY KING'S MAN MRS. PRINGLE COLONEL SOLDIERS _ad lib._ HUMPTY DUMPTY SERGEANT-MAJOR

SCENE

_One side of a village street--a wall about two feet high up stage, parallel to the audience. This can be represented by anything that a child could stand on for a minute before jumping down. Behind it R.C. Mrs. Dumpty's house is seen--a little gate in the wall at back L.C. leading to house. There should be exits R., L., and C. at back through gate. MRS. DUMPTY and MRS. PRINGLE standing at gate._

MRS. P. Well, good morning, Mrs. Dumpty, I must be running off now.

MRS. D. Very kind of you to have come in, Mrs. Pringle. I am sorry Humpty was out, I'd like you to have seen him.

MRS. P. Oh, I can do without seeing him every day, thank you. Is he as fat as ever?

MRS. D. How you _do_ go on about his being fat, Mrs. Pringle. You don't want me to starve the child, do you?

MRS. P. No, but there's a lot of difference between starving and over-feeding. I'm sure my Billy don't get the half of what you give Humpty, and just look at him!

MRS. D. Look at him, indeed! Humpty only gets the same as we get, and has done ever since he's been born. I suppose your Billy gets nothing but bread and milk.

MRS. P. He didn't have pork chops when he was six months old, if that's what you mean, Mrs. Dumpty.

MRS. D. Well, I was never one to grudge a baby a bit of anything it cried for, and no one can say Humpty's not a fine boy now.

MRS. P. He may be a fine boy, but he is a very naughty one. He makes more noise than all the rest of the boys put together. [_Noise heard outside._] That sounds like him now.

MRS. D. It's just his high spirits, Mrs. Pringle. I like a boy to have a bit of spirit. [_Enter HUMPTY with a great noise._

HUMPTY. Hallo, mother!

MRS. D. Don't you see Mrs. Pringle, dear?

HUMPTY. Yes, I wish I didn't. I don't like Mrs. Pringle.

MRS. D. Oh, Humpty, I'm surprised at you.

MRS. P. [_offended_]. I think I'd best be going, Mrs. Dumpty.

HUMPTY. Look out that you don't miss the procession, Mrs. Pringle.

MRS. D. What procession?

HUMPTY. Haven't you heard? All the King's horses and all the King's men are coming along here on their way to the Coronation.

MRS. D. Well, that's very nice. I'll take you to the end of the road, and we'll look at them.

HUMPTY. But we needn't go to the end of the road--they pass right along here. I shall only have to get on the wall and I shall see beautifully.

MRS. D. You're not to get on without me holding on to you. I'm not going to have you falling off and breaking all your bones.

MRS. P. I don't believe he's got bones to break. He is made of nothing but fat and naughtiness.

HUMPTY [_boisterously_]. That's right, Mrs. Pringle. Stick up for me.

MRS. P. I'm not sticking up for you, you naughty boy--I'm only sorry for your poor mother having such a son. So unlike my Billy!

MRS. D. Oh, it's only his playful way, Mrs. Pringle. Run along and wash your face, Humpty, there's a good boy.

HUMPTY. I don't want to wash my face.

MRS. D. Well, I'm sure I don't know what the King will say if he sees you with a face like that.

MRS. P. It's enough to make him abdicate.

HUMPTY. The King's not coming, you silly old things, it's his horses and men.

MRS. D. You're a rude boy, and you're to go and wash your face at once.

HUMPTY. Well, I don't mind, just for once--it's nearly a week since I last did, and it's Monday--that's the day my face goes to the wash.

[_Exit._

MRS. D. Hadn't you best stop and see the procession with us, Mrs. Pringle? It would be a nice change for you instead of looking at your Billy all day----

MRS. P. You're not very civil-spoken, Mrs. Dumpty, but I _do_ like to see a procession when I can. But I'm hardly fit to be seen like this. I'd best slip home and put on my new shawl.

MRS. D. Well, if you do that, I'll just pop on my Sunday bonnet--it won't take a minute.

[_MRS. P. exit L., MRS. D. C. at back. Exeunt. Enter HUMPTY._

HUMPTY. Hurrah--they've both gone--I'll get on the wall. [_Climbs up._] I can see beautifully now. I expect the procession will soon be coming----Yes, I can hear them. Oh, what fun!

[_Enter MRS. D._

MRS. D. Oh, you naughty boy, didn't I tell you not to get on the wall without me holding you?

HUMPTY. I'm all right--I shall see them beautifully from here.

MRS. D. Don't jump about like that--you'll fall off for a certainty.

HUMPTY. Oh, let me alone. Can't you hear them coming?

MRS. D. Take care, Humpty, take care. What did I say...!

[_HUMPTY falls off--this must be done by jumping from the wall and rolling over. MRS. D. flies to pick him up. HUMPTY groans. Enter MRS. P._

MRS. P. Here I am, Mrs. Dumpty. Why, what's that down there?

MRS. D. It's Humpty. He's been and fallen off the wall, and I can't get him up again.

MRS. P. Here, let me try. Give me your hand, Humpty.

MRS. D. No, it's no use, he is so heavy, you see.

MRS. P. Didn't I tell you he was too fat? My Billy would be up in a minute.

MRS. D. Bother your Billy--if only someone would come and pick him up.

[_Music heard. Enter the King's horses and men._

MRS. D. Oh, sirs--oh, sirs--do, pray, stop a minute.

[_They walk right across the stage before they stop, so their backs are to her--and then turn right round so that they face her._

KING'S MAN. Halt! About turn! Yes, ma'am?

MRS. D. Oh, sir, you look so beautiful--but I'm sorry to tell you that my son, while waiting to see you, has fallen off the wall--he's down there.

KING'S MAN. Yes, ma'am! I see him. Is that all, ma'am? Good morning. About turn!---- [_They turn away again._

MRS. D. Oh, sirs! Oh, sirs! don't go away--I want you to pick him up again.

KING'S MAN. Well, ma'am, we may be late for the Coronation, but anything to oblige. [_To soldiers._] About turn! [_They turn back._] First file, take hold of the boy's arms! Second file, catch hold of his legs! Now--all together, on to the wall--lift! [_They try to pick him up._] I'm sorry, ma'am. We can't move him--he's rather stout, you see.

MRS. P. What did I say! If only it was my Billy now.

[_More music heard._

KING'S MAN. Here's another regiment coming--perhaps they can do it.

[_Enter more soldiers._

KING'S MAN. If you please, Colonel----

COLONEL. Halt! What is it, my man?

KING'S MAN. There's a young feller there fallen off the wall--we can't get him up again, sir.

COLONEL. What! All you King's horses and all you King's men can't do a simple thing like that! Preposterous! Ridiculous! [_He twirls his moustache and is very warlike._] Sergeant-Major!

SERGEANT-MAJOR. Yes, Colonel!

COLONEL. Fall out the regiment, and replace that boy on the wall.

SERGEANT-MAJOR. Right turn! Dismiss! Now then, all together.

[_Both regiments dash at HUMPTY and try to pick him up._

COLONEL. H'm--it's not so easy as I thought. A charge of cavalry might do it. [_HUMPTY starts._] Or, upon my word, an explosion of dynamite would be better. Sergeant-Major!

[_HUMPTY trembles._

SERGEANT-MAJOR. Yes, Colonel.

COLONEL. Blow this boy off the ground with dynamite.

MRS. D. [_hurriedly_]. Oh, thank you so much--I won't trouble you to do that.

COLONEL. No trouble at all, madam, I assure you. It won't take a moment. Sergeant-Major!

MRS. P. Oh, how exciting!

MRS. D. Be quiet, Mrs. Pringle. _Pray_ don't trouble, Colonel--I think he is very comfortable where he is, thank you.

COLONEL. Just as you wish, madam--but if we can't do anything for you I think we had better be moving on. Sergeant-Major!

SERGEANT-MAJOR. Yes, Colonel.

COLONEL. Fall in the regiment.

SERGEANT-MAJOR. Regiment! Fall in! [_They fall in and stand at ease._

COLONEL. Attention! Right turn. Quick march! [_Exeunt._

MRS. D. What a dreadful man!

MRS. P. Oh, did you think so? I thought him so pleasant.

MRS. D. Why, what's Humpty doing?

[_HUMPTY rolls over and faces the audience._

HUMPTY. Phew! I felt rather anxious then--I thought I should have to get up----

MRS. D. Get up! But can you get up, my poppet? [_HUMPTY sits up._

HUMPTY. Of course I can, if I like--only it was such fun having them all crowding round and pulling at me.

MRS. P. Well, I never! It would have served you quite right if they had blown you up as they said.

MRS. D. How hard you are on the poor child, Mrs. Pringle.

MRS. P. My Billy would never have done such a thing.

HUMPTY. Of course he wouldn't--he's much too stupid.

MRS. P. Stupid! Not he--he's got too much sense to go falling off a wall just when a procession was coming. I shall go home and tell him what you did.

HUMPTY. And mind you tell him that all the King's horses and all the King's men couldn't pick Humpty Dumpty up again--till he chose!

[_Gets up._

CURTAIN

[Transcriber's note: "[P]" represents the pilcrow character.]