SCENE II

_The COUNTESS'S Boudoir. A table R. slanting to the audience with ornamental mirror standing on it. A door at back, L.C. Door in R.H. corner, back labelled_ "Secret staircase to dungeon." _The COUNTESS sitting at the table looking at herself in the mirror. MELISSA, her maid, standing, with a hat in her hand trimmed with flowers._

COUNTESS. Now, Melissa, give me my garden hat, please. I feel inclined to go down to the farm.

MELISSA [_bringing the hat_]. Your ladyship is so fond of the farm.

COUNTESS. Indeed I am, and of the live stock there. I should like to direct it all myself, but I don't think the bailiff would like it. He is rather tiresome sometimes.

MELISSA. Still, my lady, he is a most honest man, and his accounts, as your ladyship always says, are a marvel.

COUNTESS. Oh yes, in many ways he is excellent, I know, and yet he is not popular with the poultry--no doubt of that.

MELISSA. That is true. He doesn't seem to get on with the gander.

COUNTESS. Such a pity. I like the gander myself--he is always very civil to me.

MELISSA [_laughing_]. Really, my lady, he seems such a sensible bird, sometimes you would really think he understood what you say.

[_They both laugh. A knock at the door._

COUNTESS. Melissa! [_Points to door._

[_MELISSA opens the door. The BAILIFF is seen._

BAILIFF. May I enter, madam?

MELISSA. Come in, Master Bailiff.

_Enter BAILIFF._

COUNTESS. Good day, Master Bailiff.

BAILIFF [_agitated_]. I hope I do not intrude on your ladyship, but I come on a pressing matter----

COUNTESS. What is it?

BAILIFF. My coat, madam.

COUNTESS. WHAT!

BAILIFF. I beg your ladyship to look at it--there is a large tear in it.

COUNTESS. A somewhat unseemly sight--I should have thought you would have begged me not to look at it.

BAILIFF. But it is your gander, my lady.

COUNTESS. What is my gander?

BAILIFF. My coat.

COUNTESS. Your coat is my gander, Bailiff? You are talking wildly.

BAILIFF. It is no wonder, madam. It was the Gander did it. [_Showing tear on coat._] I have been attacked by that vicious bird----

COUNTESS. And wounded in the coat tails!

[_COUNTESS and MELISSA laugh._

BAILIFF. It does not seem a laughing matter to me, your ladyship. Something must be done.

COUNTESS. With a needle and thread. There, I quite agree with you.

BAILIFF. No, madam--with a big stick. Something must be done to make the Gander behave better.

COUNTESS. I am sorry you don't like the Gander, Bailiff. I always find him very pleasant.

BAILIFF. I regret that your ladyship is inclined to make such a companion of him. He really seems to consider he is on an equality with your ladyship.

COUNTESS. On an equality with me! You are impertinent, sir. No one is on an equality with me in this castle. But I have a warm regard for the Gander, and I consider that you have insulted us both by your complaints. [_A noise at the door._] Melissa!

[_MELISSA hastens to open the door. The GANDER and DRAKE are seen in the doorway. They both bow._

MELISSA. Oh!

COUNTESS. Come in, both of you.

BAILIFF. What, even here! Miserable birds, how dare you!

[_GANDER and DRAKE hiss and squawk._

COUNTESS. You forget yourself, Bailiff. This is not your house. I beg that you will apologise at once for your rudeness to us all. Down on your knees at once and pray for forgiveness.

BAILIFF. I am willing to apologise to you, madam, but not to the Gander, and I will not go on my knees, even to your ladyship.

COUNTESS. Do you hear that, Gander? There stands an old man----

BAILIFF. Old man, madam?

COUNTESS. Yes, old, compared to the Gander--who will not say his prayers. Take him by the left leg and throw him downstairs.

[_Fight. The BAILIFF hits the GANDER and DRAKE with his stick. They flap and peck. MELISSA opens the door of the secret staircase. The BAILIFF falls with his legs through the doorway. They drag him out and a great noise of tumbling is heard. Then they come in again._

COUNTESS. Thank you, Gander. Now we will go for a nice walk and you shall choose it. You shall take me to your favourite place.

[_The GANDER and DRAKE both shake their heads sadly._

COUNTESS. What is it? Something wrong? Dear me, I wish you could speak. Lead the way then. Goosey Goosey Gander, whither shall we wander?

[_Walk round with steps and out._

CURTAIN

ORANGES AND LEMONS

CHARACTERS

MRS. CARR KITTY, _her daughter_ SHOREDITCH BOY ST. MARTIN'S BOY OLD BAILEY BOY STEPNEY BOY BOW BOY NEIGHBOURS

SCENE

_A STREET. MRS. CARR, with a small basket in her hand in which are two oranges and two lemons, is walking along the street to her house, holding her little daughter KITTY by the hand. They are supposed to have just arrived at her house door._

MRS. C. There now, here we are at home again, and I'll take these in and make a nice pot of jam with them. I got them very cheap.

KITTY. How much were they?

MRS. C. Twopence each orange, and twopence and three farthings each lemon.

[_Handbells heard ringing._

KITTY. Mother, why are the bells ringing?

MRS. C. Because it is Bellringers' Day, when everyone who likes may ring a bell in the streets if he calls out the name of his parish and puts a penny into the parish poor box.

KITTY. Oh, I should like to do that. What's our parish?

MRS. C. St. Clement's.

KITTY. And I could ring my little bell that I got off the Christmas tree.

MRS. C. But have you a penny for the poor box?

KITTY [_coaxingly_]. You give me one, mammy darling.

MRS. C. [_smiling_]. I'm afraid I haven't one to spare. I spent my pennies on these.

KITTY [_looking at the oranges and lemons in basket_]. Do let me sell them again and have some pennies!

MRS. C. What about the jam then?

KITTY. Oh, I'd much rather have the pennies for the poor box, so that I could ring my bell too.

MRS. C. Well, you may try to sell them if you like.

Kitty. Oh, mammy darling, you _are_ kind. I'll run in and get my bell.

[_Rushes in to get it. While she is inside MRS. CARR arranges the oranges and lemons in the basket, etc. KITTY comes out with the bell._

MRS. C. [_giving her the basket, smiling_]. I'm spoiling you, mind.

KITTY. It is nice to be spoilt. Now you go indoors, mother, and I'll be a real person all by myself.

[_MRS. C. smiles, kisses her, and goes in. KITTY, alone, walks up and down calling_ "St Clement's! St. Clement's! St. Clement's!" _Enter ST. MARTIN'S BOY, ringing his bell._

ST. M. St. Martin's! St. Martin's!

[_Looks at KITTY'S basket._

KITTY [_sings to tune, ringing bell_]. Oranges and lemons, says the Bells of St. Clement's!

ST. M. Jolly good they look.

KITTY. Buy one?

ST. M. Yes, if they're not too dear. How much are they?

KITTY. Two pennies for each orange, and two pennies and three farthings for each lemon.

ST. M. All right, I'll have one of each. Now, twopence for this, you say, and twopence three farthings for this. Can you reckon up how much that is?

KITTY. No--_you_ must.

ST. M. Girls _are_ silly. That makes fourpence three-farthings. Now, here's a sixpence, and you must give me five farthings change.

[_Sings_] "You owe me five farthings, says the bells of St. Martin's."

KITTY. Oh dear, I've got no farthings, no change, no nothing.

ST. M. Then you'll have no sixpence as well, that's all. And I'll have no oranges and lemons--and no nothing.

KITTY. Oh dear, what a pity!

[_Enter SHOREDITCH BOY, ringing bell._

SHOREDITCH. Shoreditch! Shoreditch! Hallo, those look good. Look here, little girl, sell me one. [_Feels in his pocket._] No, my pocket's empty.

[_Enter OLD BAILEY BOY, ringing bell._

OLD BAILEY. Old Bailey! Old Bailey! Jolly things you've got there, young person.

KITTY. _Do_ buy one.

SHOREDITCH. _I_ want to buy one if someone will lend me the money.

OLD BAILEY. Here, I've got some money. How much do you want?

SHOREDITCH. Twopence.

OLD BAILEY. Here you are then.

SHOREDITCH. Hooray! [_Takes orange._] There, little girl.

[_Gives her two pennies._

KITTY. Oh, that is nice!

OLD BAILEY [_to_ SHOREDITCH]. But when will you pay me?

[_Sings_] "When will you pay me? says the bell of Old Bailey."

SHOREDITCH [_sings, smiling_]. "When I grow rich, says the bell of Shoreditch."

OLD BAILEY. That's all very well, but it's a long time to wait. You put back that orange and give me back the pennies.

[_They begin fighting, their bells making a noise as they do so. Enter STEPNEY and BOW, ringing bells, STEPNEY in front._

STEPNEY. Stepney!

BOW. And Bow!

STEPNEY. Stepney!

BOW. And Bow! [_They look at the boys fighting._

BOW. What's all this about?

OLD BAILEY. I've lent this Shoreditch boy twopence, and he says he'll pay me when he grows rich.

STEPNEY [_to SHOREDITCH, sings_]. "When will that be? says the bell of Stepney." [_SHOREDITCH shakes his head and laughs._

BOW [_in a deep voice, sings_]. "I'm sure I don't know, says the big bell of Bow."

OLD BAILEY. Don't know, indeed!

BOW. Well, don't quarrel on Bellringers' Day. Let's make a great noise and disturb the neighbours, that's much more amusing. Come on now, let's each shout something.

[_Each one sings a line, ringing the bell on the first beat of the bar._

KITTY. Oranges and lemons, says the bell of St. Clement's.

ST. M. You owe me five farthings, says the bell of St. Martin's.

OLD BAILEY. When will you pay me? says the bell of Old Bailey.

SHOREDITCH. When I grow rich, says the bell of Shoreditch.

STEPNEY. When will that be? says the bell of Stepney.

BOW. I'm sure I don't know, says the big bell of Bow. Capital. Now, all together, about the chopper. [_All sing very loud._

Here comes a candle to light you to bed, And here comes a chopper to chop off your head.

NEIGHBOURS. Oh, what a noise!

BOW. It's Bellringers' Day, ma'am. We may make as much noise as we like. Now then, all together.

[_They stand in a row and sing the song straight through. Then they either march round in single file without singing, but ringing their bells, while the tune is played on the piano, or else dance. In either case the neighbours may join in._

CURTAIN

RIDE A COCK-HORSE