Chapter 26

_Enter a_ BANKER, _at the end of the stage._

BAN. (_to himself_). I never knew any year worse for money upon interest, than this year has turned out to me. From morning even until night, I spend my time in the Forum; I cannot lend out a coin of silver to any one.

_Enter_ TRANIO.

TRA. (_apart_). Now, faith, I am clearly undone in an everlasting way! The Banker's here who found the money with which his mistress was bought. The matter's all out, unless I meet him a bit beforehand, so that the old man may not at present come to know of this. I'll go meet him. But (_seeing_ THEUROPIDES) I wonder why he has so soon betaken himself homeward _again_. I'm afraid that he has heard something about this affair. I'll meet him, and accost him. But how dreadfully frightened I am! Nothing is more wretched than the mind of a man with a _guilty_ conscience, such as possesses myself. But however this matter turns out, I'll proceed to perplex it still further: so does this affair require.

_Enter_ THEUROPIDES.

TRA. (_accosting him_). Whence come you?

THEU. I met that person from whom I bought this house.

TRA. Did you tell him anything about that which I was telling you?

THEU. I' faith, I certainly told him everything.

TRA. (_aside_). Woe to unfortunate me! I'm afraid that my schemes are everlastingly undone!

THEU. What is it you are saying to yourself?

TRA. Why nothing. But tell me, prithee, did you _really_ tell him?

THEU. I told him everything in its order, I tell you.

TRA. Does he, then, confess about the guest?

THEU. Why no; he utterly denies it.

TRA. Does he deny it?

THEU. Do you ask me again? I should tell you if he had confessed it. What now are you of opinion ought to be done?

TRA. What is my opinion? By my troth, I beg of you, appoint an arbitrator together with him; but take you care that you appoint one who will believe me; you'll overcome him as easily as a fox eats a pear [1]

BAN. (_to himself_). But see, here's Tranio, the servant of Philolaches, _people_ who pay me neither interest nor principal on my money. (_Goes towards_ TRANIO, _who steps forward to meet him._)

THEU. (_to_ TRANIO). Whither are you betaking yourself?

TRA. I'm going no whither. (_Aside._) For sure, I am a wretch, a rascal, one born with all the Gods my foes! He'll now be accosting me in the old man's presence. Assuredly, I am a wretched man; in such a fashion both this way and that do they find business for me. But I'll make haste and accost him. (_Moves towards the_ BANKER.)

BAN. (_apart_). He's coming towards me. I'm all right; I've some hopes of my money; he's smiling.

TRA. (_to himself_). The fellow's deceived. (_To the_ BANKER.) I heartily bid you hail, my _friend_ Saturides [2].

BAN. And hail to you. What about the money?

TRA. Be off with you, will you, you brute. Directly you come, you commence the attack [3] against me.

BAN. (_apart_). This fellow's empty-handed.

TRA. (_overhearing him_). This fellow's surely a conjurer.

BAN. But why don't you put an end to this trifling?

TRA. Tell me, then, what it is you want.

BAN. Where is Philolaches?

TRA. You never could have met me more opportunely than you have met me. BAN. How's that?

TRA. (_taking him aside_). Step this way.

BAN. (_aloud_). Why isn't the money repaid me?

TRA. I know that you have a good voice; don't bawl out so loud. BAN. (_aloud_). I' faith, I certainly shall bawl out.

TRA. O, do humour me _now_.

BAN. What do you want me to humour you in?

TRA. Prithee, be off hence home.

BAN. Be off? TRA. Return here about mid-day.

BAN. Will the interest be paid then?

TRA. It will be paid. Be off.

BAN. Why should I run to and fro here, or use or waste my pains? What if I remain here until mid-day in preference?

TRA. Why no; be off home. On my word, I'm telling the truth. Only do be off.

BAN. (_aloud_). Then do you pay me my interest. Why do you trifle _with me_ this way?

TRA. Bravo! faith. Really now, do be off; do attend to me.

BAN. (_aloud_). I' faith, I'll call him now by name.

TRA. Bravo! stoutly done! Really you are _quite_ rich now when you bawl out.

BAN. (_aloud_). I'm asking for my own. In this way you've been disappointing me for these many days past. If I'm troublesome, give me back the money; I'll go away _then_: That expression [4] puts an end to all replies.

TRA. (_pretending to offer it him_). _Then_, take the principal [5].

BAN. (_aloud_). Why no, the interest; I want that first.

TRA. What? Have you, you fellow most foul of all fellows, come here to burst yourself? Do what lies in your power. He's not going to pay you; he doesn't owe it.

BAN. Not owe it?

TRA. Not a tittle, indeed, can you get from here. Would you prefer for him to go abroad, _and_ leave the city in exile, driven hence for your sake? Why then, in preference let him pay the [6] principal.

BAN. But I don't ask for it.

THEU. (_calling out to_ TRANIO,_from a distance_). Hark you! you whip-knave, come back to me.

TRA. (_to_ THEUROPIDES). I'll be there just now. (_To the_ BANKER.) Don't you be troublesome: no one's going to pay you; do what you please. You are the only person, I suppose, that lends money upon interest. (_Moves towards_ THEUROPIDES.)

BAN. (_bawling aloud_). Give me my interest! pay me my interest! you pay my interest! Are you going to give me my interest this instant? Give me my interest!

TRA. Interest here, interest there! The old rogue knows how to talk about nothing but interest. I do not think that ever I saw any beast more vile than you.

BAN. Upon my faith, you don't alarm me now with those expressions. This is of a hot nature; although it is at a distance off, it scorches badly [7].

TRA. Don't you be troublesome; no one's going to pay you; do what you please. You are the only person, I suppose, that lends money upon interest.

THEU. (_to_ TRANIO). Pray, what interest is this that he is asking for?

TRA. (_in a low voice, to the_ BANKER). Look now; his father has arrived from abroad, not long since; he'll pay you both, interest and principal; don't you then attempt any further to make us your enemies. See whether he puts you off.

BAN. Nay but, I'll take it, if anything's offered.

THEU. (_to_ TRANIO, _coming towards him_). What do you say, _then_--? TRA. What is it you mean?

THEU. Who is this? What is he asking for? Why is he thus rudely speaking of my son Philolaches in this way, and giving you abuse to your face? What's owing him?

TRA. (_to_ THEUROPIDES). I beg of you, do order the money to be thrown in the face of this dirty brute.

THEU. I, order it?

TRA. Order the fellow's face to be pelted with money.

BAN. (_coming nearer_). I could very well put up with a pelting with money.

THEU. (_to_ TRANIO). What money's this?

TRA. Philolaches owes this person a little.

THEU. How much?

TRA. About forty minae.

BAN. (_to_ THEUROPIDES). Really, don't think much of that; it's a trifle, in fact.

TRA. Don't you hear him? Troth now, prithee, doesn't he seem just suited to be a Banker--a generation that's most roguish?

THEU. I don't care, just now, for that, who he is _or_ whence he is; this I want to be told me, this I very much wish to know--I heard from him that there was interest owing on the money as well.

TRA. Forty-four minae are due to him. Say that you'll pay it, that he may be off.

THEU. I, say that I'll pay it?

TRA. Do say so.

THEU. What, I?

TRA. You yourself. Do only say so. Do be guided by me. Do promise. Come now, I say; I beg of you.

THEU. Answer me; what has been done with this money?

TRA. It's safe.

THEU. Pay it yourselves then, if it's safe.

TRA. Your son has bought a house.

THEU. A house?

TRA. A house.

THEU. Bravo! Philolaches is taking after his father! The fellow now turns to merchandize. A house, say you?

TRA. A house, I tell you. But do you know of what sort?

THEU. How can I know?

TRA. Out with you!

THEU. What's the matter?

TRA. Don't ask me _that_.

THEU. But why so?

TRA. Bright as a mirror, pure brilliancy _itself_.

THEU. Excellently done, upon my faith! Well, how much did he agree to give for it?

TRA. As many great talents as you and I _put together_ make; but these forty minae he paid by way of earnest. (_Pointing to the_ BANKER.) From him he received what we paid the other man. Do you quite understand? [8] For after this house was in such a state as I mentioned to you, he at once purchased another house for himself.

THEU. Excellently done, upon my faith!

BAN. (_touching_ TRANIO). Hark _you_. Mid-day is now close at hand.

TRA. Prithee, do dismiss this puking fellow, that he mayn't worry us to death. Forty-four minae are due to him, both principal and interest.

BAN. 'Tis just that much; I ask for nothing more.

TRA. Upon my faith, I really could have wished that you had asked more, _if only_ by a single coin.

THEU. (_to the_ BANKER). Young man, transact the business with me.

BAN. I'm to ask it of you, you mean?

THEU. Come for it to-morrow.

BAN. I'll be off, _then_; I'm quite satisfied if I get it tomorrow.

(_Exit_

TRA. (_aside_). A plague may all the Gods and Goddesses send upon him! so utterly has he disarranged my plans. On my word, no class of men is there more disgusting, or less _acquainted_ with fair dealing than the banking _race_.

THEU. In what neighbourhood did my son buy this house?

TRA. (_aside_). Just see that, now! I'm undone!

THEU. Are you going to tell me that which I ask you?

TRA. I'll tell you; but I'm thinking what was the name of the owner. (_Pretends to think._)

THEU. Well, call it to mind, then.

TRA. (_aside_). What am I to do now, except _put_ the lie upon this neighbour of ours next door? I'll say that his son has bought that house. I' faith, I've heard say that a lie piping-hot is the best _lie_; this is piping-hot; although it is at a distance off, it scorches badly. Whatever the Gods dictate, that am I determined to say.

THEU. Well now? Have you recollected it by this?

TRA. (_aside_). May the Gods confound that fellow!--no, this _other_ fellow, rather. (_To_ THEUROPIDES.) Your son has bought the house of this next-door neighbour _of yours_.

THEU. In real truth?

TRA. If, indeed, you are going to pay down the money, then in real _truth_; if you are not going to pay it, in real truth he has not bought it.

THEU. He hasn't bought it in a very good situation.

TRA. Why yes, in a very good one.

THEU. I' faith, I should like to look over this house; just knock at the door, and call some one to you from within, Tranio.

TRA. (_aside_). Why just look now, again I don't know what I'm to say. Once more, now, are the surges bearing me upon the self-same rock. What now? I' faith, I can't discover what I am now to do; I'm caught in the fact.

THEU. Just call some one out of doors; ask him to show us round.

TRA. (_going to the door of_ SIMO's _house_). Hallo there, you! (_Turning round_.) But there are ladies here; we must first see whether they are willing or unwilling.

THEU. You say what's good and proper; just make enquiry, and ask. I'll wait here outside until you come out.

TRA. (_aside_). May all the Gods and Goddesses utterly confound you, old gentleman! in such a fashion are you thwarting my artful plans in every way. Bravo! very good! Look, Simo himself, the owner of the house, is coming out of doors. I'll step aside here, until I have convened the senate of council in my mind. Then, when I've discovered what I am to do, I'll join him. (THEUROPIDES _and_ TRANIO _stand at a distance from_ SIMO's _house, in opposite directions_, THEUROPIDES _being out of sight_.)

[Footnote 1: _As a fox eats a pear_)--Ver. 543. This may either mean, very easily indeed, or not at all. It is not clear that a fox will eat a pear; but if does, his teeth will go through it with the greatest ease. Not improbably, Tranio uses the expression for its ambiguity.]

[Footnote 2: _Friend Saturides_)--Ver. 552. A nickname coined by the author, from "satur," "brimful," of money, probably.]

[Footnote 3: _Commence the attack_)--Ver. 564. "Pilum injecisti." Literally, "you have thrown the dart." "To throw the dart" was a common expression, signifying to make the first attack;" as the darts were thrown before recourse was had to the sword.]

[Footnote 4: _That expression_)--Ver. 574. By "hoc verbum" he probably alludes to the expression, "reddite argentum," "down with the money."]

[Footnote 5: _Take the principal_)--Ver. 575. He finds he must say something, so he says this, although he has no money with him. He knows, however, that the usurer will first insist on the interest being paid, because if he takes the principal, it will be a legal waver of his right to claim the interest.]

[Footnote 6: _Let him pay the_)--Ver. 581. "Quin sortem potius dare licet?" is the reading here, in Weise's Edition; but the line seems hopelessly incorrect.]

[Footnote 7: _It scorches badly_)--Ver. 592. This line is given by Gruter to Theuropides, by Acidalius to Tranio, and by Lambinus to the Banker. The latter seems the most appropriate owner of it; and he probably alludes, aside, to the effects of his pressing in a loud voice for the money. Tranio is introduced as using the same expression, in l.650; but there can be no doubt that the line, as there inserted, is spurious.]

[Footnote 8: _Do you quite understand_)--Ver. 629. Warner suggests, that by using this expression before the Banker, he intends to make a secret of the house being haunted, and that he keeps up the mystery in the succeeding line.]