Chapter 24

TRA. (_to himself_). Supreme Jove, with all his might and resources, is seeking for me and Philolaches, my master's son, to be undone. Our hopes are destroyed; nowhere is there any hold for courage; not _even_ Salvation [1] _now_ could save us if she wished. Such an immense mountain of woe have I just now seen at the harbour: my master has arrived from abroad; Tranio is undone! (_To the_ AUDIENCE.) Is there any person who'd like to make gain of a little money, who could this day endure to take my place in being tortured? Where are those fellows hardened to a flogging, the wearers-out of iron chains, or those, who, for the consideration of three didrachms, would get beneath besieging towers [2], where some are in the way of having their bodies pierced with fifteen spears? I'll give a talent to that man who shall be the first to run to the cross _for me_; but on condition that twice his feet, twice his arms [3] are fastened there. When that shall have been done, then ask the money down of me. But am I not a wretched fellow, not at full speed to be running home?

PHILO. Here come the provisions; see, here's Tranio; he's come back from the harbour.

TRA. (_running_). Philolaches!

PHILO. What's the matter? TRA. Both I and you--

PHILO. What about "Both I and you?"

TRA. Are undone!

PHILO. Why so? TRA. Your father's here.

PHILO. What is it I hear of you?

TRA. We are finished up. Your father's come, I say.

PHILO. (_starting up._) Where is he, I do entreat you?

TRA. He's coming.

PHILO. Coming? Who says so? Who has seen him?

TRA. I saw him myself, I tell you.

PHILO. Woe unto me! what am I about?

TRA. Why the plague now do you ask me, what you are about? Taking your place at table, _of course_.

PHILO. Did you see him? TRA. I my own self, I tell you.

PHILO. For certain? TRA. For certain, I tell you.

PHILO. I'm undone, if you are telling the truth.

TRA. What good could it be to me if I told a lie?

PHILO. What shall I do now?

TRA. (_pointing to the table and couches_). Order all these things to be removed from here. (_Pointing._) Who's that asleep there?

PHILO. Callidamates. TRA. Arouse him, Delphium.

DEL. (_bawling out in his ear_). Callidamates! Callidamates! awake! CALL. (_raising himself a little_). I am awake; give me something to drink.

DEL. Awake; the father of Philolaches has arrived from abroad. CALL. I _hope_ his father's well.

PHILO. He is well indeed; but I am utterly undone.

CALL. You, utterly undone? How can that be?

PHILO. By heavens! do get up, I beg of you; my father has arrived.

CALL. Your father has come? Bid him go back again. What business had he to come back here so soon?

PHILO. What am I to do? My father will, just now, be coming and unfortunately finding me amid drunken carousals, _and_ the house full of revellers and women. It's a shocking bad job, to be digging a well at the last moment, just when thirst has gained possession of your throat; just as I, on the arrival of my father, wretch that I am, am now enquiring what I am to do.

TRA. (_pointing at_ CALLIDAMATES). Why look, he has laid down his head and gone to sleep. Do arouse him.

PHILO. (_shaking him_). Will you awake now? My father, I tell you, will be here this instant.

CALL. How say you? Your father? Give me my shoes, that I may take up arms. On my word, I'll kill your father this instant.

PHILO. (_seizing hold of him_). You're spoiling the _whole_ business; do hold your tongue. (_To_ DELPHIUM.) Prithee, do carry him off in your arms into the house.

CALL. (_To_ DELPHIUM, _who is lifting him up_). Upon my faith, I'll be making an utensil of you just now, if you don't find me one. (_He is led off into the house._)

PHILO. I'm undone!

TRA. Be of good courage; I'll cleverly find a remedy for this alarm. PHILO. I'm utterly ruined!

TRA. Do hold your tongue; I'll think of something by means of which to alleviate this for you. Are you satisfied, if on his arrival I shall so manage your father, not only that he shall not enter, but even that he shall run away to a distance from the house? Do you only be off from here in-doors, and remove these things from here with all haste.

PHILO. Where am I to be? TRA. Where you especially desire: with her (_pointing to_ PHILEMATIUM); with this girl, _too_, you'll be. (_Pointing to_ DELPHIUM.)

DEL. How then? Are we to go away from here?

TRA. Not far from here, Delphium. For carouse away in the house not a bit the less on account of this.

PHILO. Ah me! I'm in a sweat with fear as to how these fine words are to end! TRA. Can you not be tranquil in your mind, and do as I bid you?

PHILO. I can be. TRA. In the first place of all, Philematium, do you go in-doors; and you, Delphium.

DEL. We'll both be obedient to you. (_They go into the house._)

TRA. May Jupiter grant it so! Now then, do you give attention as to what I'd have attended to. In the first place, then, before anything, cause the house to be shut up at once. Take care and don't let any one whisper a word in-doors.

PHILO. Care shall be taken. TRA. Just as though no living being were dwelling within the house.

PHILO. Very well. TRA. And let no one answer, when the old gentleman knocks at the door.

PHILO. Anything else?

TRA. Order the master-key [4] of the house to be brought me at once from within; this house I'll lock here on the outside.

PHILO. To your charge I commit myself, Tranio, and my hopes. (_He goes into the house, and the things are removed from the stage._)

TRA. (_to himself_). It matters not a feather whether a patron or a dependant is the nearest at hand for that man who has got no courage in his breast. For to every man, whether very good or very bad, even at a moment's notice, it is easy to act with craft; but this must be looked to, this is the duty of a prudent man, that what has been planned and done in craftiness, may all come about smoothly and without mishap; so that he may not have to put up with anything by reason of which he might be loth to live; just as I shall manage, that, from the confusion which we shall here create, all shall really go on smoothly and tranquilly, and not produce us any inconvenience in the results. (_Enter a_ BOY, _from the house._) But, why have you come out? I'm undone! (_The_ BOY _shows him the key._) O very well, you've obeyed my orders most opportunely.

BOY. He bade me most earnestly to entreat you some way or other to scare away his father, that he may not enter the house.

TRA. Even more, tell him this, that I'll cause that he shan't venture even to look at the house, _and_ to take to flight, covering up his head [5] with the greatest alarm. Give me the key (_taking it_), and be off in-doors, and shut to the door, and I'll lock it on this side. (_The_ BOY _goes into the house, and_ TRANIO _locks the door._) Bid him now come forthwith. For the old gentleman here while still alive this day will I institute games [6] in his presence, such as I fancy there will never be for him when he's dead. (_Moving away._) I'll go away from the door to this spot; hence, I'll look out afar in which direction to lay the burden on the old fellow on his arrival. (_Exit to a little distance._)

[Footnote 1: _Not even Salvation_)--Ver. 342. See the Captivi, 1. 535, and the Note to the passage.]

[Footnote 2: _Beneath besieging towers_)--Ver 348. "Falae" were wooden towers, placed on the top of walls or fortified places; of course the attack of these would imply extreme danger to those who attempted it.]

[Footnote 3: _Twice his feet, twice his arms_)--Ver. 351. Some suppose that by "bis pedes, bis brachia," he means that two nails were to be driven into each leg and foot. It seems more probable that he means two for the feet and two for the hands.]

[Footnote 4: _Order the master-key_)--Ver. 395. "Clavem--Laconicam;" literally, "the Laconian key." This was a kind of key originally invented by the Spartans, by means of which a door could be locked from the outside, but not from within. According to some, this key was called "Laconica," from its rough appearance, in allusion to the inelegant exterior of the Spartans. In his Thesmophoriazusae, Aristophanes informs us that these keys had three wards.]

[Footnote 5: _Covering up his head_)--Ver. 414. With the ancients, when either ashamed or alarmed at anything, it was the custom to throw a part of the dress over the head, as a hood.]

[Footnote 6: _Will I institute games_)--Ver. 417. He plays on the double meaning of "ludes," which means either "tricks," or "funeral games" in honor of the dead, according to the context.]