Chapter 36

A moment indeed of great joy this was, but it did not last longer than many other moments of the same kind with which my life has been sprinkled. James, the brother of the Lord, sent up agents to Antioch with letters signed by himself. They had come to tell the people that I had not authority to teach, and could not be considered by anybody as a true apostle, for I had not known the Christ, it was said: and when I answered them that my authority came straight from him, they began to make little of my revelation, saying: even if thou didst hear the Christ on the road to Damascus, as thou sayest, it was but for a few minutes, and he couldn't teach thee all his doctrine in a few minutes. A year or more would be required. Thou wast deceived. No vision can be taken as of equal evidence to the senses. Those that we see in a vision may be but the evil spirits that, if it were possible, would deceive the very elect. If we question an apparition it answers anything that we wish. The spectre shines for an instant and disappears quickly before one has time to put further questions; the thoughts of the dreamer are not under his control. To see the Son of God outside of the natural flesh is impossible. Even an angel wishing to be seen has to clothe himself in flesh. Nor were they satisfied with such sayings as these, but mentioned the vision of infidels and evil livers, and to support their argument thus quoted Scripture, proving that God sent visions when he was irritated. As in Numbers, murmured Eleazar. And likewise in Exodus, said Manahem, and he turned over the quires before him. These emissaries and agents asked me how it was that even if Jesus had appeared to me he could not have instructed me wrongly. If I wished to prove the truth of my vision it were better for me to accept the teaching of the apostles, who had received it directly from him; to which I made answer: my revelation was not from Jesus when he lived in the flesh, but from the spiritual Jesus; the spirit descended out of heaven to instruct me, and if God has created us, which none will deny, he has created our souls wherewith to know him, and he needs not the authority of other apostles who speak as men, falling into the errors that men must fall into when they speak, for every man's truth is made known unto him by God.

One day we came out of a house heated with argument, and as we loitered by the pavement's edge regretting we had not said certain things whereby we might have confuted each other, we came upon Peter in a public inn, eating and drinking with the uncircumcised, whereupon the Hierosolymites said we see now what ye are, Peter, a Jew that eats with Gentiles and of unclean meats. Peter did not withstand them and say as he should have done: how is it that you call them that God has made unclean? but being a timid man and anxious always to avoid schism, he excused himself and withdrew, and was followed by Barnabas and Silas.

It was for this that I withstood him before all in the assembly, reproaching him for his inconsequences, saying to him: if thou that art a Jew livest according to the manner of Gentiles, how is it that thou wouldst compel the Gentiles to live as the Jews do? and until this man came thou wert one with us, saying as we say, that none is justified by conforming to the law and practising it, but by the faith in Jesus Christ. But if we seek justification in Christ, and in him alone, and yet are found to be sinners, of what help is Christ then to us? Is he a minister of sinners? God forbid! By his life and death he abolished the law, whereby we might live in faith in Christ, for the law stands between us and Christ. I say unto thee, Peter, that if Christ was crucified for me I live in Christ; no longer my own life of the flesh, but the spiritual life that Christ has given me. I say unto thee likewise, that if we care only to know Christ through the law then Christ has died in vain. To which Peter answered nothing, but went his way, as is his custom, in silence, and my grief was great; for I could see that the many were shocked, and wondered at our violence, and could not have said else than that we were divided among ourselves, though they said it under their breath. Nor did peace come till the emissaries of James left us to go to the churches I had founded in Galatia and undo the work I had done there. Whereupon I collected all my thoughts for an epistle that would comfort those, and enable them to resist, saying: though an angel from heaven tell you a different doctrine from the one that I have taught you, listen not to him. Copies of this letter were sent to the churches that I had founded, but the sending of the letter did not calm my anger. An angry soul I have been since God first separated me from my mother's womb, gaining something on one side and losing on the other side; but we make not ourselves; God makes us. And there is a jealousy still within me; I know it and have suffered from it, and never did it cause me greater suffering than in those days in Antioch. My jealousy was like a hungry animal, gnawing at my ribs till, unable to bear it any longer, and seeing in visions all that I had raised pulled down, I started with Titus and travelled all over Galatia and Phrygia to Bithynia, along the shores of Pontus, and returned back again, informing the kindly, docile souls, who loved us in their weakness, of Lystra, Derbe and other towns, setting up my loom and preaching every evening the coming of the Lord, whither I went in Macedonia, Thessalonica, Iconium, Laodicea, not forgetful of Colossae for two years or more (I have forgotten), and then hearing that Apollos, an Alexandrian Jew of great learning, our most notable convert, of whom I have not spoken, for there is no time to speak of everything, had taken ship at Corinth for Ephesus, I returned the way I had come along the coast to meet him there, likewise many good friends, Aquila and Priscilla, who were working at their looms, gathering a faithful circle about them. We set up shop again as we had done at Corinth, Aquila, Priscilla and myself worked at our looms all day, and preached in the evening in and about the city, and on the Sabbath in the synagogue.

CHAP. XXXVI.

In Ephesus stands a temple said to be one of the wonders of the world, the Temple of Diana; pilgrims come to it from all countries, and buy statues of the goddess to set upon their tables (little silver statues), and as the making of these is the principal industry in that city, the silversmiths raised cries against me in the theatre, where once I stood up to address the people. Great is Diana, goddess of the Ephesians! they cried out, and would have thrown me to the beasts. Yea, I fought with the beasts, for they were nothing else, and had not Aquila and Priscilla risked their lives to save me I should have perished that day. That day or another day; it matters not; we all perish sooner or later. My life has never been my concern, but God's, a thing upheld by God for so many years that I shun danger no longer. It has even come to pass that I am lonely in security, withdrawn from God in houses, and safe in his arms when clinging to a spar in the dark sea. God and our Lord Jesus Christ, his beloved son, have walked on either side of me in mountain passes where robbers lie in wait. We are nearer to God in hunger and thirst than when the mouth is full. In fatigue rather than in rest, and to know oneself to be God's servant is good cheer for the traveller, better than the lights of the inn showing over the horizon, for false brethren may await him in the inn, some that will hale him before rulers, but if he knows that he is God's servant he will be secure in his own heart, where alone security matters.

It may have been my sin to weary too often at the length of the journey, and to cry out to the Lord Jesus to make an end of it. It may have been that I was often too eager to meet my death and to receive the reward of all my labour, but who shall judge me? Our Lord Jesus Christ is the only judge and his reign shall endure over this world till the last man has vanished into death. And when the last man has perished? Mathias asked. Paul answered: Jesus shall pass into his Father's keeping and again there shall be but one God. But, Paul, Mathias rejoined, if I understand thee rightly, there are now two Gods, and our hope is that in time to come the twain may turn to one. Paul was about to answer, but his lips were parched, and he raised the cup of water to his lips, and when he had drunk he was about to answer Mathias, but Hazael said: Mathias, we are all eager to hear the story of Paul's own life. There will be time afterwards to discuss his doctrine. Mathias waved his hand, a sign that Paul might continue his story, which he did.

From Ephesus we returned to Corinth and to Macedonia, and dreams began to take hold on us of longer journeys than any we had yet undertaken; we dreamed of Rome, and then of Spain, for all should hear the joyful tidings that there is salvation for all, and we live in dread that the judgment may come upon the world before the distant countries have heard that the Christ has been born and has died and been raised by his Father from the dead, thereby abolishing the law, which was no longer needed, faith in Christ being sufficient. But if the judgment comes before all men have heard of the Christ, then is God unjust. God forbid: our sloth and tardy feet are responsible. Our fear is for the Jews that have closed their ears to the truth, and, therefore, we were warned not to leave Palestine without a last effort to save them. Once more my soul said unto me: Paul, go to Jerusalem, for the last time enter the Temple and comply with all the law, for these things matter not whether they be done or left undone; all that matters is that Jerusalem should accept Jesus. Be all things, once more, to all men. And it was after this command, given to me in the silence of the night, that I took leave of the brethren at Ephesus, saying to them: brethren, you knew from the first day that I came unto Asia what manner of man had come among you, directing you only towards repentance towards God, and faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. I would indeed remember all I said on that occasion, for I spoke well, the Holy Ghost being upon me, putting the very words of the leave-taking into my mouth that I should speak, words which I cannot find again, but which were written by me afterwards, as I wished them to be preserved for the use of the faithful. They shall be sent to you. But in this moment I'm too tired to remember them, and will continue my story, telling how when the sails of the ship were lifted we came with a straight course unto Coos, and the day following unto Rhodes, and thence Patara, and finding a ship about to start for Phoenicia, we went aboard and set forth again. We left Cyprus on the left, and were landed at Tyre, where there were many disciples who said to me that I must not go to Jerusalem. We kneeled on the shore and prayed; and when we had taken leave of one another, and I had said: my face you shall see no more, we took ship, and they returned home.

Next day we were at Cæsarea and went to the house of Philip the Apostle (him of many daughters, and all prophetesses), and lived with him, tarrying till there came from Judea Agabus, who, when he saw me, took my girdle and bound his own hands and feet, and said: so at Jerusalem shall the Jews bind him that owns this girdle, and they shall deliver him into the hands of the Gentiles. At which all my disciples there wept, and I said: why do ye weep? for your weeping breaks my heart. Think not of what this man has said, even if he has spoken the truth, for I am ready to die for the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. I comforted them and went up to Jerusalem, and was received by the brethren. James and all the elders were present, and after having heard from me how widely the name of our Lord Jesus Christ had been made known to the Gentiles and to the Jews that lived among the Gentiles, they answered: brother, there are a great many believers among the Jews, and all here are ardent followers of the law, and these have heard that thou teachest to the Jews in exile that Moses may be forsaken, and that they need not circumcise their children and may set aside our customs. Now, Paul, they asked, what favour dost thou expect from us if these things be as they have been reported to us? And being sure within myself that it was not counsel they sought from me, but words out of my own mouth whereby they might stir up the people against me, I answered only: upon whose testimony do ye say these things? There are, they said, four holy men, who are under a vow; go with them and purify thyself and pay the money they need for the shaving of their heads and all other expenses. Whereupon I was much angered, seeing the snare that they were laying for me, but, as I have told you, my rule is always to be all things to all men, and remembering that though Jesus Christ our Lord has set us free from the law, it would be better to forgo this liberty than to scandalise a brother, I said: I will do, brethren, as you ask, and went with the four poor men to the Temple and remained there with them for five days, abstaining from wine, and cutting off--well, there was little hair for me to cut off, but what there was I cut off.

All went well during the first days, but the emissaries and agents of James, seeing that my devotion in the Temple might win over the Jews to me, laid another snare, and I was accused of having held converse with Trophimus, an uncircumcised Greek, in the street the day of my arrival in Jerusalem, and this not being a sufficient offence to justify them in stoning me as they had stoned Stephen before my eyes, it was said that I had brought him into the Temple, and the agents of the priests came on the fifth day to drag me out and kill me in some convenient byway, the sacristans closing the doors of the Temple behind me. We will make an end of this mischief, the hirelings said, and began to look around for stones wherewith to spatter out my brains; they cast off their garments and threw dust into the air, and I should have met my death if the noise had been any less, but it was even greater than the day Stephen died, and the Roman guard came upon the people and drew me out of their hands, saying: what is the meaning of this? The Jews could not tell them so great was their anger.

We'll take him to the castle, the centurion said, and the crowd followed, pressing upon us and casting stones at me till the soldiers had perforce to draw their swords so as to get me to the castle alive. We were thrown hither and thither, and the violence of the crowd at the foot of the stairs and the pressure obliged the soldiers to carry me up the steps in their arms. So I turned to the Chief Captain, who was trying in vain to calm the rioters, and said to him in Greek: may I speak to them? So thou canst speak Greek? he answered, surprised, and gave me leave to speak, and I said: Hebrews, listen to a Hebrew like yourselves, and I told of the vision on the road to Damascus, to which they listened, but as soon as the tale was over they cried: remove him from this world, he is not fit to live. At these words the centurion, who was anxious to appease the people, signed to his apparitors to seize me, and before I had time to make myself heard these strapped me to the whipping-post, my hands above me. But is it lawful to scourge a Roman and he uncondemned? I said to the centurion next to me. Whereupon the lictors withdrew and the centurion turned to the Chief Captain, who looked me up and down, for, as you see, my appearance did not command respect. Is it true that thou'rt a Roman citizen? he asked, and I answered, yes, and he was astonished, for he had paid a great deal of money for the title. But I was born free, I answered him, confusing and perplexing him and putting a great fear in his heart that belike his office might be taken from him for having tied a Roman citizen to the whipping-post, merely that and nothing more.

It was to gain my favour that he promised to summon a council (the Sanhedrin), and on the day appointed, ordering my chains to be unlocked, introduced me to the Jews as a free man, saying he would remain to hear the discussion. Brothers, I have lived till to-day in good conscience before God. On that the High Priest ordered those that stood by him to strike me on the face. God shall strike thee, thou whited wall, I answered him, for thou sittest to judge me according to the law, and breaking the law thou orderest me to be struck. Those that were present said: so that is how thou revilest the High Priest. I did not know he was the High Priest, I answered: if I had I should not have spoken as I spoke, for is it not written, thou must not insult the chief of thy people?

As I spoke these words, I saw that the assembly was divided into two parts, that each part was inspired by different ideas, and that one part, the Sadducees, were determined upon my death. Therefore my words were, brothers, I am a Pharisee and the son of a Pharisee, do you know of what they accuse me? Of saying that the dead will be raised out of their graves for judgment, a thing which you all believe. So did I divide my enemies, persuading the Pharisees thereby to defend me, and they, believing the story I told of my vision on the road to Damascus, said: let us hear nothing against him, a spirit or angel may have spoken to him. But the Sadducees were the stronger party, and dividing the Pharisees with their arms many rushed to kill me, and they would have done this if the Captain of the Guard had not sent soldiers to my assistance, who with difficulty rescued me from the Jews and brought me back to the castle.

I was sorry for the Captain of the Guard, who came to me and said: I know not how this will end or what to do with thee, and I answered him: there are knots in every business, and the clever man unties them, and thou'lt find a way of untying this knot in thy sleep to-night.... And I likewise, which was true, for a vision came to me that night, Jesus himself, and he said: thou hast testified of me in Jerusalem and thou shalt testify of me in Rome, and Jesus having said this much, I knew that I should go to Rome, how I should go I knew not, but I knew that I should go and had no fear when my sister's son, my nephew, came to me next day and said: forty of the Jews have banded together to kill thee, Uncle, and this is how they will do it. They will present a petition to the Chief Captain to have thee down among the council again so that they may question thee regarding some points of the law which they affirm thou hast transgressed. Thou must not go down to them, Uncle, for they have knives concealed under their cloaks, and are upon oath neither to eat nor to drink until they have killed thee.

So they are base enough for this, I answered, but I'll outwit them, and calling to the centurion said: take this young man to the Chief Captain of the Guard; he has matter to relate which the Chief Captain should hear at once, and when he had told the plot Chief Captain Lysias said: they have sworn in vain. Thou shalt go with me to Cæsarea and under a strong guard, two hundred soldiers, seventy horsemen, and two hundred spearmen; these will be able to resist any attack that the Jews may attempt even should they hear of thy departure. At nine o'clock to-night I shall put into thy hand a letter to Felix, the Governor, telling him that I know nothing against thee that merits death or prison. The orders of the Captain of the Guard were carried out punctually; we marched all night, arriving at Antipatris in the morning, which is about half-way between Jerusalem and Cæsarea, and all danger of surprise being now over the escort divided, the four hundred men returning to Jerusalem, myself going on to Cæsarea with the horsemen, to be judged by Felix, who said: I shall sit in judgment as soon as thy accusers arrive from Jerusalem.

And it was five days afterwards that my accusers began to come into Cæsarea, Ananias arriving first with some of the elders and with one named Tertullus, who began his speech against me with many coaxings of the Governor, saying that it was through him that Palestine enjoyed its great peace and prosperity and for these gifts he was truly thankful, and though he feared he might prove tedious, still he would hope that Felix in his great clemency might allow him to say a few further words about a pestilential fellow, an agent of sedition among the Jews throughout the world, and a ringleader of the sect known as the Nazarenes: one who came to Jerusalem but to profane the Temple, and wishing, he said, to judge him for his blasphemy according to our law, we laid hands upon him, but the Captain, Lysias, came upon us and with great violence took him out of our hands, and after hearing him disputing with us in the council said, I find no fault with him but will send him to the noble Felix. And you, most noble Felix, have sent for us, and we have come, and feel right well that we have not come in vain, for your knowledge and your justice are known in all the world. He said these things and many more of this sort till he feared that his first words were coming true and that he was beginning to weary Felix, which was the truth, for Felix raised his hand for me to speak, whereupon without cozenage and without preamble I told Felix that I had gone to Jerusalem with alms collected from all parts of the world for the poor and also for worship in the Temple. Why then, if I am the pestilential fellow that Tertullus says I am, is it that the Jews allowed me the Temple to abide therein for five days and that they have not brought witnesses to testify that they found me disputing therein or stirring the people to riot in the synagogue and in the city. And I see none here to bear witness that I do not believe in all that is written in the law and in the prophets; only that I believe with a great part of the citizens of Jerusalem that the dead will be raised from their graves for judgment at the last day. If I am guilty of heresy so are many others here. But you Essenes do not hold with the Pharisees, that the corruptible body is raised from the dead, you believe that the soul only is immortal; I believe that there is a spiritual body also which is raised; and Paul turned his searching eyes on Mathias, in whose mind an answer began to form, but before he had time to speak it the brethren began to evince a desire that Paul should continue his story.

Felix after hearing me bade the Jews return to Jerusalem. I will deliver no sentence until I have conferred with Lysias, he said. The Jews returned discomfited, and Felix said to my jailer, let him be relieved of his chains and be free to see his friends and disciples and to preach what he pleases. Nor was this all: Felix came with his wife, Drusilla, who was a Jewess, and she heard me tell Felix that there would be a judgment, and he answered: speak to me again of this, and they came to me many times to hear of the judgment, and to hint at a sum of money which would be easy for me to collect; my disciples would pay for my liberty and the money would enable him to risk the anger of the Jews, who, he said, desired my death most savagely.

But I was of no mind to ask my disciples to pay for my release; and then Felix, desirous of obtaining the good will of the Jews, put chains upon me again, and so left me for two years, till Festus was appointed in his place.