Chapter 5

MEN. If the ceremony is in the afternoon they wear afternoon dress, but at an evening affair evening dress.

At an afternoon ceremony in the summer it is allowable for the men to wear straw hats and light flannel suits.

At a large house christening the affair should be conducted somewhat like a reception, and men on departing should take leave of the hostess.

WOMEN dress as they would for an afternoon reception if the ceremony comes in the afternoon, and if it comes after breakfast or luncheon, as they would for a breakfast or luncheon.

At a large house christening the affair should be conducted like a reception, and women should take leave of the hostess on their departure.

CHURCH. A man usually follows the woman, who leads to the pew, and he enters after her, closing the door as he does so.

He should find the places in the service book for her.

This same courtesy he should extend to a woman who is a stranger to him.

CLERGYMAN.

CHRISTENING FEES. It is customary to send a fee to the officiating clergyman, unless he is a relative or a near friend.

EVENING DRESS. Custom permits a clergyman to wear his clerical dress at all functions at which other men wear evening dress; or, if he wishes, he may also wear the regulation full dress. The wearing of either is a matter of taste.

HOW ADDRESSED. All mail and correspondence should be addressed to Rev. Mr. Smith, but in conversation a clergyman should be addressed as Mr. Smith. If he has received the degree of D.D. (Doctor of Divinity)from some educational institution, then he is addressed as Dr. Smith, and his mail should be addressed as Rev. Dr. Smith.

WEDDING CEREMONY. The officiating clergyman (minister or priest) is selected by the bride, who usually chooses her family minister, and the latter is then called upon by the groom with regard to the details. If a very intimate friend or relative of the groom is a clergyman, it is in good taste for the bride to ask him either to officiate or to assist. If from any cause--as, living outside the State--the clergyman is unable to legally perform the ceremony, a magistrate should be present to legalize the ceremony, and should receive a fee.

CARRIAGE. A carriage should be provided by the groom to take the clergyman to the church, then to the reception, and thence to his house.

FEE. A fee should be paid the clergyman by the groom through the best man, who should hand it to him immediately after the ceremony. If two or three clergymen are present and assist, the fee of the officiating clergyman is double that of the others. The clergyman should receive at least five dollars in gold, clean bills, or check, in a sealed envelope, or more, in proportion to the groom's financial condition and social position.

WEDDING RECEPTION. The clergyman should always be invited to the reception.

CLUB.

ADDRESS. If residing at a club, a man's visiting- card should have his club's name in the lower right-hand corner; if not, the name should be put in lower left-hand corner.

STATIONERY. This is always in good form for social correspondence by men.

COACHING. See DRIVING.

COACHMAN-TIPS. It is customary when a guest leaves a house party after a visit to give the coachman a tip.

COLLEGE DEGREES. Custom, good taste, and the fitness of things forbid a college man having engraved, on his visiting-card, his college degrees--as, A.B., A.M., etc.

COMMERCE, Secretary of--How Addressed. An official letter begins: Sir, and ends: I have, sir, the honor to remain your most obedient servant. A social letter begins: My dear Mr. Wilson, and ends: I have the honor to remain most sincerely yours. The address on the envelope is: Hon. John J. Wilson, Secretary of Commerce.

COMMITTEES-PUBLIC BALLS. Public balls are conducted like private ones, and the etiquette is the same for the guests. The difference in their management is that, in place of a hostess, her functions and duties are filled by committees selected by the organization giving the ball.

CONCLUSION OF A LETTER. The standard conclusions of letters are: I remain sincerely yours, or; Believe me faithfully yours.

For business correspondence the standard conclusions are: Yours truly, or; Very truly yours.

For relatives and dear friends the standard forms are: Affectionately yours, or; Devotedly yours.

One should avoid signing a letter with only initials, Christian name, surnames, or diminutives.

MEN. In writing formally on business to a woman he knows slightly, a man could say: I am respectfully yours. When not on business he could write: I beg to remain yours to command.

He should avoid a signature like: J. Jones Wilson, but write: James J. Wilson

WOMEN. In social correspondence a married woman should sign: Minnie Wilson, and not: Mrs. John Wilson. If she wants to make known in a business letter the fact of her being married, and may not know if the person addressed knows the fact, she may write: Minnie Wilson (Mrs. John Wilson) An unmarried woman would sign her name as: Minnie Wilson, and if wishing not to be taken for a widow would sign: Miss Minnie Wilson.

CONDOLENCE.

CALLS. When death occurs in the family of a friend, one should call in person and make kindly inquiries for the family and leave a card, but should not ask to see those in trouble unless a very near and dear acquaintanceship warrants.

For a very intimate acquaintance, cut flowers may be left in person or sent, together with a card, unless the request has been made to send none.

CARDS. A visiting-card is used with the word CONDOLENCE written on it, and should be left in person if possible, but may be sent or mailed to intimate friends only if accompanied by a note of apology. If out of town, it should be sent by mail with letter of condolence.

A MR. and MRS. card may be used at any time for condolence, except for intimate friends.

LETTERS. Only the most intimate and dear friends should send letters of condolence, and they may send flowers with the note unless the request has been made to send none.

CONGRATULATIONS.

BIRTH, ANNOUNCEMENT OF. If wishing to send congratulations after a birth, cards should be left in person or sent by messenger. Cut flowers may be sent with the card.

CARDS. A MR. and MRS. card can be used at any time for congratulations. If left in person, which is preferable, the card should be accompanied by a kindly message, and, if sent by mail or messenger' the word CONGRATULATIONS should be written on it. Business and professional men are not required to make personal calls, and so may send their cards. A Mr. and Mrs. card can be used for all but near friends.

When a card is left in person, with a message of congratulations, nothing should be written thereon.

A man may mail his card to a woman engaged to be married, if acquaintance warrants the action.

Congratulations upon the birth of a child may be expressed by a man to its father by sending a card with the word Congratulations written on it, or by leaving it in person.

A card should be mailed to a man engaged to be married.

WEDDINGS. Congratulations may be sent with letter of acceptance or declination to a wedding to those sending the invitations. And if acquaintance with bride and groom warrant, a note of congratulations may be sent to them also.

Guests in personal conversation with the latter give best wishes to the bride and congratulations to the groom.

WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. In accepting or declining invitations to wedding anniversaries, congratulations may be extended.

CONVERSATION AT DINNERS. Aim at bright and general conversation, avoiding all personalities and any subject that all cannot join in. This is largely determined by the character of the company. The guests should accommodate themselves to their surroundings.

COOKS-TIPS. It is customary for men who have been guests at a house party when they leave to remember the cook by sending her a tip.

CORN ON THE COB is eaten with the fingers of one hand. A good plan is to cut off the kernels and eat them with the aid of a fork.

CORNER OF CARD TURNED DOWN. This is no longer done by persons when calling and leaving cards.

CORRESPONDENCE. How to address official and social letters. See under title of person addressed --as, ARCHBISHOP, etc.

COSTUME BALLS.--INVITATIONS. Invitations are similar to invitations to balls, except that they have in place of DANCING in the lower left-hand corner. COSTUME OF THE XVIIIth CENTURY, BAL MASQUE, OR BAL POUDRE.

COTILLIONS. Germans are less formal than balls. Supper precedes the dancing. Those who do not dance or enjoy it can leave before that time.

The etiquette is the same as for balls.

DRESS. The regulation evening dress is worn.

HOSTESS. The rules governing a hostess when giving a ball are the same for a cotillion, with this addition--that there should be an even number of men and women, and, failing this, more men than women.

It is for the hostess to choose the leader of the cotillion, and to him are entrusted all its details.

At the conclusion of the cotillion the hostess stands at the door with the leader at her side, to receive the greetings and the compliments of the guests.

See also BALLS--HOSTESS.

INVITATIONS. The invitations are engraved, and the hour for beginning is placed in the lower left-hand corner, and are sent out two weeks in advance. They may be sent in one envelope.

Such invitations should be promptly accepted or declined.

COTILIONS BY SUBSCRIPTIONS. These are given by leading society women, who subscribe to a fund sufficient to pay all expenses of the entertainment. They are usually held in some fashionable resort where suitable accommodations can be had.

Guests are shown to the cloak-room, where attendants check their wraps.

After the supper, the German, or cotillion, begins. Those not dancing in this generally retire. When leaving, guests should take leave especially of the patroness inviting them.

DRESS. Full dress is worn by all.

INVITATIONS. The patronesses whose names appear on the back of the cards are the subscribers. They send out the invitations to their friends. A presentation card, to be shown at the door, is sent with the invitation.

MEN. Men wear evening dress.

The men wait upon their partners and themselves at the table, the waiters assisting, unless small tables are used, when the patronesses sit by themselves, and others form groups as they like. The guests are served by the waiters, as at a dinner.

When retiring, guests should take leave especially of the patroness inviting them.

PATRONESSES. The patronesses stand in line to receive the guests, bowing or shaking hands as they prefer.

When supper is announced, the leading patroness leads the way with her escort, the others following. If small tables are used, the patronesses sit by themselves.

WOMEN. Women wear full dress.

When guests depart, they should take leave especially of the patroness inviting them.

COUNTESS--HOW ADDRESSED. An official letter begins: Madam, and ends: I have the honor to remain your Ladyship's most obedient servant. The address on the envelope is: To the Right Honorable The Countess of Kent.

A social letter begins: Dear Lady Kent, and ends: Believe me, dear Lady Kent, sincerely yours.

The address is: To the Countess of Kent.

COUNTRY CALLS. The usual rule in calling is for the residents to call first upon the temporary cottage people, and between these latter the early comers call first upon those coming later.

In the city there is no necessity for neighbors to call upon each other.

CRACKERS should be broken into small pieces and eaten with the fingers.

CRESTS. If men and women wish, these may be stamped in the latest fashionable colors on their stationery. It is not customary to use a crest and a stamped address on the same paper.

The present fashion in crests is that they should be of small size.

It is not usual to stamp the crest on the flap of the envelope.

If sealing-wax is used, some dull color should be chosen.

A person should avoid all individual eccentricities and oddities in stamping, such as facsimile autographs, etc.

CRYSTAL WEDDINGS. This anniversary comes after fifteen years of married life, and the invitations may bear the words: No presents received, and on their acceptance or declination, congratulations may be extended. An entertainment should be provided for. Any article of crystal or glass is appropriate as a gift.

DANCES.

CARRIAGES. A man should secure his carriage-check when leaving his carriage. It is safer to take wraps and coats to the house in case of accidents.

When taking a woman wearing evening dress to a ball or dance, a man should provide a carriage.

DEBUTANTE. See DANCES--WOMEN--DEBUTANTE.

DRESS. Evening dress is worn by men and women.

DINNER INVITATIONS. The hostess issues two sets of invitations--one for those invited to both dinner and dance, and one for those invited to the dance only.

For the former, the hostess should use her usual engraved dinner cards, with the written words: Dancing at eleven, and for the latter her usual engraved At Home cards, with the written words: Dancing at eleven.

A less formal way is to use, instead of the At Home card, a Mr. and Mrs. card, or Mrs. And Miss card, with the following written in the lower left-hand corner: Dancing at ten. March the second. R. S. V. P.

INVITATIONS. These should be acknowledged by an acceptance, or declined, with a note of regret within one week.

MEN. ASKING A WOMAN TO DANCE. A man asks for the privilege of a dance, either with the daughter of the hostess or with any guest of the latter or any young woman receiving with her.

On being introduced to a woman, he may ask her for a dance, and he should be prompt in keeping his appointment.

It is her privilege to end the dance, and, when it is ended, he should conduct her to her chaperone, or, failing that, he should find her a seat--after which he is at perfect liberty to go elsewhere.

If for any cause a man has to break his engagements to dance, he should personally explain the matter to every woman with whom he has an engagement and make a suitable apology.

DEBUTANTE. At a debutante's reception the first partner is selected by the mother, usually the nearest and dearest friend, who dances but once, and the others follow.

INVITATIONS. Invitations to balls or assemblies should be answered immediately; if declined, the ticket should be returned. A man should call or leave cards a few days before the affair.

SUPPER. At balls and assemblies where small tables are provided, a man should not sit alone with his partner, but make up a party in advance, and keep together.

If a patroness asks a man to sit at her table, she should provide a partner for him.

At supper the senior patroness leads the way, escorted by the man honored for the occasion.

If one large table is provided, the men, assisted by the waiters, serve the women. When small tables are used the patronesses generally sit by themselves, and the guests group themselves to their own satisfaction.

TRONESSES. Their duties are varied and responsible--among them, the subscription to the expenses of the entertainments.

The patronesses should be divided into various committees to attend to special duties --as, music, caterers, supper arrangements, the ball-room, and all other details.

While affairs of this kind could be left in the hands of those employed to carry out the details, it is better and safer for each committee to follow the various matters out to the smallest details.

Those devising new features and surprises for such an occasion will give the most successful ball.

The one most active and having the best business ability should take the lead.

Lists should be compared, in order to avoid duplicate invitations.

The tickets should be divided among the patronesses, who, in turn, distribute them among their friends.

The patronesses should be at the ball-room in ample time before the arrival of the guests, to see that all is in readiness.

They should stand together beside the entrance to welcome the guests. They should see, as far as possible, that the proper introductions are made, and that every one is enjoying the evening, their own pleasure coming last.

If time permits, a hasty introduction to the patroness beside her may be made by a patroness, but it should not be done if there is the slightest possibility of blocking up the entrance.

A nod of recognition here and there, or a shake of the hands with some particular friend, is all that is necessary. Prolonged conversation should be avoided.

A patroness should not worry over the affair, or leave anything to be done at the last minute. If she has to worry, she should not show it, lest she interfere with the pleasure of others.

They should be the last to leave as well as the first to arrive, to see that the affair closes brilliantly.

SUPPER. The senior patroness leads the way to supper, escorted by the man honored for the occasion.

If one large table is provided, the men, assisted by the waiters, serve the women. When small tables are used, the patronesses generally sit by themselves, and the guests group themselves to their own satisfaction.

If a patroness asks a man to sit at her table, she should provide a partner for him, and in case of a previous engagement, he should notify her by mail.

WOMEN. A woman should always keep any engagement made, if possible. If, for a good reason, it is desired to break one, she should do so in ample time to enable the man to secure a partner.

It is bad form to refuse one partner for a dance and to accept another for the same dance afterward. After refusing to dance, a woman should lose that dance unless previously engaged.

A woman may refuse to dance at a public entertainment.

A young woman chaperoned should not accept a man's invitation, unless he first asks permission of her chaperone.

It is not good taste to keep late hours at an informal dance.

In round dances the man supports the woman with his right arm around the waist, taking care not to hold her too closely. Her right hand is extended, held by his left hand, and her left hand is on his arm or shoulder, her head erect.

When tired, the woman should indicate a desire to stop dancing.

When the dancing ends, the woman takes her partner's arm and strolls about a few minutes. He then conducts her to her seat by her chaperone, and, after a few remarks, excuses himself.

When supper is announced, and the young woman and her chaperone are in conversation with the man who danced with her last, they should accept his offer as escort if they are not already provided with one.

If a woman is without escort when supper is announced, she must rely upon attendants or members of the host's family.

At balls and assemblies where small tables are provided for the supper, the woman should not sit alone at a table with her partner, but she should have others present also.

DEBUTANTE. At a debutante's reception the first partner is selected by the mother, usually the nearest and dearest friend, who dances but once with her, and the others follow.

DANCES (FORMAL).

HOST. When supper is announced, the host leads the way with his partner, followed by hostess and escort, the rest following.

HOSTESS. She should limit the number of guests to the capacity of the house.

Invitations should include more men than women, for some men may not attend, and of those who do come, some may not dance.

An awning and carpet should be spread from curb to steps. The man stationed at the curb should open carriage doors for arriving and departing guests, distribute carriage- checks, and tell the drivers at what hour to return.

The servant opening the door directs the guests to their respective dressing-rooms.

A small orchestra should be provided and concealed behind palms or flowers.

In the absence of polished floors, carpets should be covered with linen crash, tightly and securely laid, in order to stand the strain of dancing.

Friends may assist in taking care of the guests, making introductions, etc.

SUPPER. Supper may be served at one large table or many small ones, as desired.

DANCES (INFORMAL). Dances of this character lack all possible formality. The invitations may be written or verbal.

Piano music is all that is required, played by one of the family or a professional.

Refreshments of a suitable nature are provided.

See also Chaperone. Dances.

DANCING.

INTRODUCTIONS. The man must be introduced to the woman, and should ask her for the pleasure of a dance.

MEN. A man should greet the host as soon as possible after seeing the hostess.

At any function where patronesses are present, a man should bow to the one inviting him, and give her a few words of greeting.

At balls all men should dance, and those who do not, have no place there, though invited.

If a man comes alone and has no partner, he should seek hostess or assistants, and request an introduction to women who dance.

After a dance a man should take a short stroll about the room with his partner before returning to her chaperone. Before retiring he may converse with her in general terms, from which he should have refrained previously.