Chapter 13

ACCIDENTS. Accidents, or anything that may be amiss at the table, should be unobserved by a guest unless he is the cause of it. In that event some pleasant remark as to his awkwardness should be made and no more. The waiter should attend to the matter at once.

If a fork or a spoon is dropped it should not be picked up by the guest, but another used, or ask the waiter to provide one.

CONVERSATION. Aim at bright and general conversation, avoiding all personalities and any subject that all cannot join in. This is largely determined by the character of the company. The guests should accommodate themselves to their surroundings.

See also FINGER-BOWL, KNIFE AND FORK, SECOND HELPING, SEEDS, SPOON, TOOTHPICKS, WINES, and names of individual fruits and foods--as, APPLES, BREAD, etc.

TALKING--THEATRES. Conversation during the progress of the play or the opera should be avoided and confined to the intermissions. The theatregoer should avoid all noise, gestures, or actions that would annoy others.

A man would be justified, when annoyed by a person talking loud near him, in asking him politely to speak lower.

TEAS.

Invitations. These need no acknowledgment.

Given by bachelors. See BACHELORS' TEAS.

Afternoon. See AFTERNOON TEAS.

High. See HIGH TEA.

TELEPHONE INVITATIONS. Telephone invitations should be sent only to those with whom the utmost intimacy exists, and who will pardon the informality.

THEATRE. A young man may invite a young woman to the theatre or opera, even if he has but a slight acquaintance with her, but of course he should secure the permission of her parents or chaperone.

It is correct for the young man to inquire if the young woman prefers a box, or, if not, he should state in what part of the house he proposes to secure seats. This will enable her to determine how to dress.

If the young woman wears street toilette, her escort may take her in any public conveyance, but if she wears evening dress, he should provide a carriage.

At the theatre he should precede the woman down the aisle to the seat or box; but if it is the latter, he should open the door and wait for her to pass.

A man may use his judgment as to the aisle seat. If a better view can be had, or seemingly objectionable people are next the inside seat, it is perfectly proper to give the woman the aisle seat.

A man should never leave his companion between the acts. The custom of both men and women going into the foyer at that time is a growing one, and is a relief to the audience.

Refreshments at some fashionable place may follow after the entertainment.

For a man to call on an acquaintance in an opera box does not relieve one of the duty of making a formal call in return for social favors.

BONNET. A woman of any consideration will either wear no bonnet at all or remove it as soon as the curtain is raised.

It would be in place for a man or woman whose view is hampered by a bonnet to politely ask the wearer to remove it, and when it is done, to thank her.

MEN--LEAVING CARDS. After a theatre party given by a man, he should call within three days on the woman he escorted or leave his card.

PRECEDENCE. In entering a theatre a man precedes the women of his party, but after he has handed his coupons to the ushers he gives the women precedence, and follows them to their seats.

TALKING. Conversation during the progress of the play or the opera should be avoided, and confined to the intermissions.

The theatregoer should avoid all noise, gestures, or actions tending to annoy others or to render himself conspicuous.

A man would be justified, when annoyed by a person talking loud near him, in asking him politely to speak lower.

THEATRE AND OPERA PARTIES.

GIVEN BY MEN. A man giving a theatre or opera party should secure one or more chaperones if women are to be present.

CALLS. The host should call upon his guests within three days or a week after the event.

CARRIAGES. The host may, if he choose, send carriages or a stage to collect all the guests. This is a formal and agreeable way to begin the evening's pleasure. The chaperone should be called for first. A more informal way is quite popular. The invitations having been given and accepted, the host informs each of his guests as to the others, and leaves a ticket with each one. All then meet informally at the place of amusement. If a dinner is given before the entertainment, carriages are provided to convey the guests to the theatre.

CHAPERONE. A chaperone should always be present if women are to be members of the party. And if a stage or carriage calls for the guests, it should call first for the chaperone.

The chaperone who acts as hostess should decide the hour to close the festivities.

DINNERS. If a dinner is given before the performance, it is generally given at six o'clock, the usual customs being followed. If preferred, the dinner may follow the performance, and may be given at any fashionable restaurant or hotel. If it is given before the play, at its termination the guests are conveyed in carriages or stage to the theatre at the expense of the host.

After the entertainment it is a good plan for the party to return to the banqueting-room to partake of slight refreshments.

DRESS. Men wear evening dress. Women wear full evening dress.

INVITATIONS. He may invite his guests in person or by note. In either case he should secure the parents' permission to allow the young women to attend, and should be ready to supply all information regarding the men who will be present, and also the chaperones.

MEN. The escorts should see the women home unless they are called for by the male members of their families, in which case they may be accompanied to their conveyances. If a young woman is called for by her maid in a carriage, her escort may take her home.

Intimacy of the parties largely regulates the etiquette of such occasions. They can decide whether evening or street dress shall be worn, and seat themselves accordingly. A carriage should be provided.

When entering an opera or theatre box for a short call, a man should stand and bow, making some pleasant remark to the chaperone. If there is an empty chair, he may sit and talk a few minutes and retire as others enter.

WOMEN. Between the acts it is perfectly proper to go into the foyer with the escort, who should carry the woman's wraps and see that all her wants are attended to. Should she desire anything, she should call on him first.

The hat or bonnet should be removed.

In a box the women occupy the front row while the men sit or stand in the rear.

A woman should avoid conspicuous manners, loud conversation, laughing, or acting in any way to attract attention.

GIVEN BY WOMEN. This is a popular form of entertainment during the season. They are given by married women, and the guests are invited by note. A dinner is given at the house or at a restaurant before the departure for the opera or play. Refreshments may also be given after the entertainment at either the house or restaurant. At the dinner the same ceremonies are followed as to arrangements of guests and escorts as at any formal dinner.

TOASTS--WEDDINGS. Toasts to the bride and groom are customary at the wedding breakfast or supper.

If the groom gives a farewell bachelor dinner, he should propose a toast to the bride.

THEATRE PARTIES. See also CHAPERONE-MEN. CHAPERONE-THEATRE.

THIRD PERSON-USED IN CORRESPONDENCE. While it was formerly the correct usage to begin formal communications in the third person, it is now the custom to begin such letters: MY DEAR MRS SMITH, or MADAM.

The third person would be used only in writing to a workman, a strange servant, or a business firm.

TIN WEDDING. After ten years of marriage, occurs the tin wedding. The invitations sent out may have the words: NO PRESENTS RECEIVED. Congratulations may be extended in accepting or declining the invitation.

Every conceivable device made of tin is appropriate as a gift, but, as these are limited, ingenuity may be displayed in getting up oddities. An entertainment may follow.

TIPPING. At balls. It is not customary to tip the servants at a private ball, but at a public one it is usual to give a tip to the attendant at the cloak-room.

At christenings. The father usually gives the nurse at a christening a sum of money, and the mother gives her some article of dress or piece of jewelry.

At house; parties. See HOUSE PARTIES. GUESTS. TIPPING SERVANTS. Also under names of servants--as, COACHMAN.

TITLES. MEN'S CARDS. Men having titles use them before their names--as, REVEREND, REV. MR., REV. DR., Army and Navy titles, and officers on the retired list.

LL.D. and all professional titles are placed after the name. Political and judicial titles are always omitted.

Physicians may use DR. before or M.D. after their names. On cards intended for social use, office hours and other professional matters are omitted.

WOMEN'S CARDS. The same principles govern the titles on women's cards, with the addition that women should never use titles of their husbands.

TOOTHPICKS should not be used in public. If necessity requires it, raise the napkin over the mouth, with the hand behind it, using the toothpick as quickly as possible.

TOWN, RETURNING TO-WOMEN. Cards of the entire family should be sent by mail to all acquaintances when returning after a prolonged absence.

When using cards, if out of town, the place of a woman's permanent residence can be written on the card thus: NEW YORK. PHILADELPHIA.

TRAVELERS' VISITING-CARDS. A woman visiting a place for a length of time should mail to her friends a visiting-card containing her temporary address.

A man in a similar situation should call upon his friends, and if he does not find them at home should leave his card.

TRAVELING.

MEN WITH WOMEN. When traveling with a woman, a man should see to the checking and care of her baggage.

MEN. As it is exceedingly trying and difficult for a woman to stand in a railroad train while it is in motion, it is the height of good manners for a man to offer her his seat and to insist on her taking it.

EXPENSES. On a short boat or railroad trip a man should pay the expenses of a woman who accompanies him by his invitation. But on a long trip she should insist on paying her share, and he should accept her decision. Of course, he is at liberty, however, to pay all the expenses of slight entertainments-as, fruit, magazines, etc.

He should see to the care of her baggage and all other details.

PARLOR-CAR. When traveling a long distance accompanied by a woman, a man should secure seats in the parlor-car.

While it is admissible to offer assistance to a woman traveling in a parlor-car without an escort, it should be done in the most polite and delicate manner, and be perfectly agreeable to her.

WOMEN. If a woman arrives at a strange place, especially a large city, and no one meets her, she should ask the station porter to attend to her baggage and all such details, and, if traveling farther, to see to her ticket and to find for her the right train.

If at the end of her journey she gives him the address she desires to go to and her trunk checks, he should procure a carriage for her. This saves her much worry and annoyance and needless risk.

The same suggestions apply to steamboat travel.

EXPENSES. If a woman is asked by a man to take a short boat or railroad trip, he should pay her fare and all other expenses. But if on a long trip--as, a summer outing--and she is escorted by a man, she should insist on paying her own fare and all expenses, allowing him, however, to pay the expenses of slight entertainment--as, fruit, magazines, etc.

PARLOR-CAR. Her escort should attend to all details of traveling. If she is traveling alone, she should always ride in the parlor-car and have the porter attend to her wants. While it may be proper to accept in a parlor-car attentions from a man if he is accompanied by a woman, the greatest caution is required if he is alone; in fact, it is well to be on one's guard, when traveling alone, against the attentions of both men and women.

TREASURY, SECRETARY OF--HOW ADDRESSED. An official letter begins: Sir, and ends: I have, Sir, the honor to remain your most obedient servant

A social letter begins: My Dear MR. Wilson, and ends: I have the honor to remain most sincerely yours.

The address on the envelope is: Hon. John J. Wilson, Secretary Of Treasury.

TROUSSEAU, WEDDING. The bride exhibits the trousseau at a dinner given to the bridesmaids and maid of honor a few days before the wedding.

TURNING DOWN CORNER OF VISITING-CARDS. This should not be done.

TUXEDO. The Tuxedo coat and waistcoat are worn at all informal affairs when no women are present, such as small theatre parties (when not occupying a box), bowling and card parties, restaurants, and the like.

It may be worn on the street in the evening with a low hat. A black tie should always be worn, and never, under any circumstances, a white one. See also EVENING DRESS--MEN.

UMBRELLAS. MEN CALLING ON WOMEN. When making a formal or brief call, the umbrella should be left in the hall.

CARRYING. Umbrellas should be carried vertically, never horizontally, thereby endangering other persons' eyes. Especially is this important when entering cars or going up long flights of steps--as, at an elevated railroad station.

USHERS. A sufficient number of ushers should be provided for to allow of two for each aisle. A good plan is to have one selected as the master of ceremonies, and for him to go to the church on the wedding-day in ample time to personally see that all the details have been carried out. They should be present at all rehearsals.

The ushers are usually presented by the groom with some small trinket, such as a pin, as a souvenir of the occasion.

CALLS. The ushers should call upon the married couple as soon as the latter have returned from their wedding trip.

CHURCH. The ushers should arrive at the church before the guests.

Each usher should have a list of all the intended guests for whom special places are set aside, and should check off the names of the guests as they arrive. He should know the various guests and where to place them; but if he does not know them personally, he should consult his list.

The upper ends of the middle aisles of both sides are usually reserved for invited guests, and are distinguished from the rest of the church by having a white ribbon or a string of flowers stretched across the aisle. The immediate family and special guests occupy the front seats, the family and the guests of the bride taking the left side and those of the groom the right side of the aisle. Other guests should be given the best seats, according to their priority in arriving.

It is in bad taste for an usher to reserve seats for his own friends as against the first-comers.

In seating guests, the usher should give his left arm to a woman and escort her to her seat while her escort follows.

Before the arrival of the bridal party the ushers take the ribbons at either end, and, walking the length of the aisle, close it against intrusion. Upon the arrival of the bride they form in pairs in the vestibule and lead the procession, followed by the bridesmaids, also in pairs. When they approach the altar they separate, one-half to the right and one-half to the left. The bridesmaids do likewise, and stand in front of the ushers.

At the conclusion of the ceremony they follow last in the procession to the vestibule, where, after giving their best wishes to the bride and congratulations to the groom, they hasten as soon as possible to the bride's home to assist in introducing and meeting the guests at the reception or breakfast.

DRESS. At a morning or afternoon wedding they wear black frock coats.

At an evening wedding they wear full evening dress, also white kid gloves, which are not removed during the ceremony. Hats should be left in the vestibule.

FLOWERS. If the boutonniers are given by the bride, they should go to her house to receive them and to have her place them in the lapels of their coats; or the boutonniers may be kept at the church in the care of the sexton.

GLOVES. For morning or an afternoon wedding the gloves are gray. At an evening wedding the gloves are white kid. The gloves are not removed during the ceremony.

JEWELRY. They wear the scarf-pins or cuff- buttons given to them by the groom.

NECKTIES. At a morning or afternoon wedding the neckties are usually of some delicate color. At an evening wedding the neckties are white, as is customary with evening dress.

WEDDING BREAKFAST. The ushers pair off with the bridesmaids, and are usually seated at a table assigned to them.

WEDDING RECEPTIONS. The ushers, should introduce the guests to the groom and bride, calling the latter "Mr. and Mrs. A.," beginning with the relatives and friends, and continuing with the others till all have been introduced. In introducing the guests, the usher should offer his arm to the woman, and if not knowing her, should ask her her name, while her escort follows and is introduced at the same time. The bride may request the usher to introduce the guests to the parents.

VALET.

TIPS. It is customary for a man leaving after a house party to give to the valet who has waited upon him at least one dollar and more, in proportion for added attention.

WITH MASTER ON VISIT. As a general rule, few American men take their valets with them when they visit. But when such is the case, the valet would wait upon his master, and should give as little care to the household as possible.

VEIL

MOURNING. See Widow-Mourning.

WEDDING. This should be white. While its length depends upon the wishes of the bride, the long veil is more in keeping with the traditions and customs of the ceremony.

Verbal Invitations. All invitations should be sent by mail, and verbal invitations avoided if possible; if one is given, it should be followed by one in writing.

VICE-PRESIDENT--HOW ADDRESSED. An official letter begins: Sir, and ends, I have, sir, the honor to remain your most obedient servant.

A social letter begins: My dear Mr. Wilson, and ends: I have the honor to remain most sincerely yours.

The address on the envelope is: The Vice- President, John J. Wilson.

VISCOUNT--HOW ADDRESSED. An official letter begins: My Lord, and ends: I have the honor to be your Lordship's obedient servant.

The address on the envelope is: The Right Honorable Viscount Wilson.

A social letter begins: Dear Lord Wilson, and ends: Believe me, my dear Lord Wilson, very sincerely yours.

The address on the envelope is: To the Viscount Wilson.

VISCOUNTESS--HOW ADDRESSED. An official letter begins: Madam, and ends: I have the honor to remain your Ladyship's most obedient servant.

The address on the envelope reads: To the Right Honorable, the Viscountess of Kent.

A social letter begins: Dear Lady Kent, and ends: Believe me, dear Lady Kent, sincerely yours.

The address on the envelope reads: To the Viscountess of Kent.

VISCOUNT.

DAUGHTER OF. See Daughter of Viscount.

WIFE OF YOUNGER SON. See Wife of Younger Son of Viscount.

YOUNGER SON OF. See Son (Younger) of Viscount.

Visiting-cards. See Cards, Visiting.

VISITORS TO TOWN--CARDS. Visitors to town should send cards to every one whom they desire to see, with the address written on the cards.

VOUCHERS. These are safeguards against the admission of uninvited guests at a subscription ball, and take the form of cards to be shown at the door.

When a person sends one of these vouchers and an invitation to a person, he should enclose one of his calling cards.

"WALLFLOWERS." This is the name commonly applied to young women at a ball who do not dance because of lack of partners. It should be the aim of the hostess, with the aid of her sons and daughters, to find partners for such young women.

WAR, SECRETARY OF--HOW ADDRESSED, An official letter begins: Sir, and ends: I have, sir, the honor to remain your most obedient servant.

A social letter begins: My dear Mr. Wilson, and ends: I have the honor to remain most sincerely yours.

The address on the envelope is: Hon. John J. Wilson, Secretary of War.

WEDDING.

BREAKFAST. See Wedding Reception or Breakfast.

CAKE. At the conclusion of the wedding break- fast the cake is placed before the bride, who first cuts a piece, and then it is passed to the others. More often it is put up in small white boxes and given to the guests, or the boxes containing the cake are placed on a table in the hallway, and the guests each take one on their departure.

DAY. The wedding-day is named by the bride, and her mother's approval is asked by the groom.

It is not customary for the bride to see the groom on the wedding-day till she meets him at the altar.

KISS. The kiss in the ceremony is being done away with, especially at church weddings. Only the bride's parents and her most intimate friends should kiss her, and for others to do so is no longer good form.