Chapter 1

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THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS

A GUIDE TO POLITE USAGE FOR ALL SOCIAL FUNCTIONS

W. C. GREEN

THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS is a complete and authentic authority on every single phase of social usage as practiced in America. The author has compiled the matter in dictionary form in order to give the reader the desired information as briefly and clearly as possible, and with the least possible effort in searching through the pages.

ACCEPTING OR DECLINING INVITATIONS. See INVITATIONS, ACCEPTING OR DECLINING.

ACCIDENTS. See STREET ETIQUETTE--MEN--ACCIDENTS.

ADDRESS. The address of a person may be stamped on the stationery.

If the address is stamped, it is not customary to stamp also the crest or monogram.

ADDRESSING ENVELOPES.

MEN. A man should be addressed as Mr. James J, Wilson, or James J. Wilson, Esq. Either the Mr. or the Esq. may be used, but not the two together.

The title belonging to a man should be given. It is not customary to use Mr. or Esq. when Jr. or Sr. is used.

WOMEN. A woman's name should always have the Miss or Mrs.

A woman should never be given her husband's official title, as Mrs. Judge Wilson.

If a woman has a title of her own, she should be addressed as Dr. Minnie Wilson, when the letter is a professional one. If a social letter, this should be Miss Minnie Wilson, or Mrs. Minnie Wilson.

ADDRESSING PERSONS. Young girls should be spoken of as Minnie Wilson, and not as Miss Minnie, but are personally addressed as Miss Minnie. Only the greatest intimacy warrants a man in addressing a young girl as Minnie.

Parents should introduce their daughter as My daughter Minnie, but should speak of them before servants as Miss Minnie.

A married woman should be spoken of as Mrs. Agnes Wilson, and personally addressed as Mrs. Wilson.

ADDRESSING AND SIGNING LETTERS. All answers to invitations should be addressed to the party issuing them.

Letters to a woman who is a comparative stranger may begin My dear Mrs. Wilson, and to a closer acquaintance Dear Mrs. Wilson.

Letters to a man who is a comparative stranger may begin My dear Mr. Wilson, and to a closer acquaintance Dear Mr. Wilson.

For forms of addressing persons with titles, as Mayor, see under that title--as, Mayor, Governor.

The letters may end, Sincerely yours, or Very truly yours, or I remain yours with kindest regards.

The signature of a man should be John J. Wilson or J. Jones Wilson.

An unmarried woman should sign social letters as Minnie Wilson, and a business letter as Miss Minnie Wilson. A married woman should sign a social letter as Agnes Wilson. In signing a business letter, a married woman may either sign her name Mrs. Agnes Wilson, or, preferably,

Agnes Wilson (Mrs. John Wilson)

AFTERNOON CALLS. These should be made between three and half-past five, and if possible on regular at home days.

In making an afternoon call a man should wear the regulation afternoon dress.

DRESS--MEN. Afternoon dress consists of a double-breasted frock coat of dark material, and waistcoat, either single or double- breasted, of same, or of some fancy material of late design. The trousers should be of light color, avoiding of course extremes in patterns.

White or delicate color linen shirts should be worn, patent leather shoes, silk hat and undressed kid gloves of dark color.

Afternoon dress is worn at weddings, afternoon teas, receptions, garden parties, luncheons, church funerals, and at all afternoon functions.

See also EVENING DRESS--MEN. MORNING DRESS--MEN.

AFTERNOON RECEPTIONS. See AFTERNOON TEAS. GIVEN BY BACHELORS, See BACHELORS' TEAS.

AFTERNOON TEAS (FORMAL). These are very successful as a rule, due perhaps to their small expense and few exactions, and are given with many purposes: to introduce young women into society, to allow a hostess to entertain a number of her friends, to honor some woman of note, etc.

A formal afternoon tea is one for which cards have been issued, naming set date.

Awnings and carpet should be provided from curb to house. A man should be stationed at the curb to open carriage doors and call them when the guests leave, and another African Teas man should be in attendance at the front door to open it the moment a guest appears at the top step and to direct him to the dressing-room.

A policeman should be detailed for the occasion to keep back the onlookers, and should receive a small fee for his services.

At the door of the drawing-room a man should ask the name of each guest, which he announces as the latter enters. The hostess and those receiving with her should be just within the door to receive the guests.

CARDS. Each guest should leave a card in the tray in the hall.

A woman may leave the cards of the men of her family who have been unable to attend.

Cards should be sent by mail or messenger by those invited but unable to be present, and should be timed so that they reach the house during the function.

A husband and wife each send a card when the invitation is issued in the name of the hostess only, and two cards each when issued in the name of hostess and her daughter. If issued in the name of both husband and wife, a husband should send two and his wife should send one card.

DAUGHTERS. The daughters who have passed the debutante age usually stand for an hour beside their mother to receive the guests, and afterward mingle with the guests to help to make the function a success.

DEBUTANTE. When a tea is given in honor of a debutante, she stands beside the hostess (usually her mother), and each guest is introduced to her. Flowers should be liberally provided, and friends may contribute on such an occasion.

The host and the men all wear the regulation afternoon dress.

Women wear costumes appropriate to the afternoon, more elegant in proportion to the elaborateness of the function.

Guests may suit their convenience in arriving, provided they do not come at the opening hour nor at the very end.

After leaving their wraps in the dressing- rooms, guests enter the drawing-room, leaving their cards in the tray in the hall, and then giving their names to the man at the door, who announces them.

On entering the room, the women precede the men.

After greeting the hostess and being introduced to those receiving with her, the guests move into the middle of the room.

Guests go the dining-room when they wish without greeting the hostess.

It is not expected that guests at a large reception will stay all the afternoon. Twenty minutes is long enough. It is not necessary to bid the hostess good-bye when leaving. If guests take leave of host and hostess, they should shake hands.

In the dining-room the men, assisted by the waiters, help the women.

When the reception is a small formal one, the guests may stay a longer time, and usually it is better to take leave of the hostess, unless she is much occupied at the time.

HOST. Except when a newly married couple give a house-warming or a reception, the host does not stand beside his wife, but spends the time in making introductions, and doing his best to make the function a success.

When some married woman or woman guest of honor assists his wife to receive, he should at the proper moment escort her to the dining-room.

HOSTESS. The hostess and those receiving with her should be just within the door, ready to receive each guest as announced.

The hostess shakes hands with each guest, and introduces them to those receiving with her.

Friends assisting a hostess to entertain are generally permitted to invite a few of their own friends, and their cards are sent with those of the hostess. A pretty feature is the presence of a number of young women here and there in the rooms to assist in receiving the guests. Music is always appropriate.

HOURS. The hours are from 4 to 7 P.M.

INTRODUCTIONS. The hostess should introduce her guests to those receiving with her. See also INTRODUCTION.

INVITATIONS. Engraved invitations are sent a week or ten days in advance, by mail or messenger.

They are usually issued in the name of the hostess only, though they may be issued in the name of both husband and wife.

In place of the visiting-card, an "At Home" card may be used, or cards specially engraved for the purpose.

When cards are sent to a married couple, the cards are addressed to both husband and wife.

Invitations are sent in two envelopes-the inner one unsealed and bearing the name of the guest, and the outer one sealed, with, the street address.

INVITATIONS, ANSWERING. It is not necessary to accept or decline these invitations, as the guest accepts by his presence. If unable to do so, he should send by mail or messenger a visiting-card, to reach the hostess during the ceremony.

When the invitation has been issued in the name of the hostess only, a husband and wife each send a card, and if in the name of hostess and her daughter, each should send two cards. If the invitation has been issued in the name of the husband and wife, the wife should send one and a husband two cards.

If the woman in the family is the only one present at the function, she can leave cards for the rest of the family.

MEN. Both the host and men wear the regulation afternoon dress, consisting of the long frock coat with single or double-breasted waistcoat to match, or of some fancy cloth, and gray trousers. White linen, a light tie, a silk hat, gray gloves, and patent leather shoes complete the costume.

The overcoat, hat, and cane are left in the dressing-room, and the guest removes one or both gloves as he pleases--remembering that he must offer his ungloved right hand to the hostess.

SHAKING HANDS. Guests on being presented to the hostess should shake hands. If guest takes leave of hostess, they should shake hands. If the hostess is surrounded by guests, a pleasant nod of farewell is admissible.

WOMEN. Women leave cards of their male relatives as well as their own, even though their names may be announced upon entering. Guests leave their cards in a receptacle provided for the purpose, or give them to the servant at the door.

Women wear a costume appropriate for the afternoon, and keep their hats and gloves on.

AFTERNOON TEAS (INFORMAL). An afternoon tea is a simple entertainment. Refreshments are generally served to the guests. An innovation lately introduced has become quite popular --namely, young women, invited for the purpose, wait upon the guests, bringing in one dainty at a time.

An afternoon tea is called a formal afternoon tea when engraved cards have been issued, naming set date.

CARDS. Guests should leave cards in the hall, or hand them to the servant. Women may leave the cards of the men of her family. Those unable to attend should send card the same afternoon by mail or messenger.

See also AFTERNOON TEAS (Formal)-Cards.

DRESS. Both men and women wear afternoon dress.

GUESTS. All guests, both men and women, wear afternoon dress.

Guests may suit their convenience in arriving or departing--provided they do not come at the opening hour, nor stay to the last moment.

After the guests have left their wraps in the dressing-rooms, they leave their cards in the tray in the hall and enter the drawing- room, the women preceding the men.

After greeting the hostess and being introduced to those assisting her, the guests quietly move away and mingle with the rest.

Each guest goes to the dining-room when he pleases and leaves when he wishes. It is not necessary upon departure to shake hands with the hostess at a large reception, though it is better to do so at a small affair.

It is not necessary for a guest to stay the entire evening; twenty minutes is sufficient.

HOST. If present, he does not receive with his wife. It is not essential that he be present on such an occasion.

HOSTESS. The hostess wears full dress. Daughters may assist, or young women may be asked to do so.

HOURS. From four to seven.

INVITATIONS. For an afternoon tea a visiting- card may be used with the hour and date written or engraved on it. They may be sent by mail or messenger.

The invitation need not be acknowledged.

AFTERNOON WEDDING RECEPTIONS are conducted the same as Wedding Receptions, which see.

AGRICULTURE, SECRETARY OF--HOW ADDRESSED. An official letter begins: Sir, and ends: I have sir, the honor to remain your most obedient servant.

A social letter begins: My dear Mr. Wilson, and ends: I have the honor to remain most sincerely yours.

The address on the envelope is: Hon. John J. Wilson, Secretary of Agriculture.

AISLE PROCESSION. See WEDDING PROCESSION.

ANGLICAN CHURCH ARCHBISHOP. See ARCHBISHOP.

ANGLICAN CHURCH BISHOP. See BISHOP.

ANNIVERSARIES--WEDDING. These are as follows:

First year...................Paper

Fifth year.................Wooden

Tenth year ..................Tin

Twelfth year.............Leather

Fifteenth year ..........Crystal

Twentieth year.............China

Twenty-fifth year.........Silver

Thirtieth year ............Ivory

Fortieth year.............Woolen

Forty-fifth year............Silk

Fiftieth year............ Golden

Seventy-fifth year...... Diamond

Less attention is now paid than formerly to all those before the silver wedding. For specific information, see SILVER WEDDING, TIN WEDDING, etc.

ANNOUNCEMENT--ENGAGEMENT. See ENGAGEMENT PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT.

ANNOUNCING GUESTS--BALLS. The hostess decides whether or not the guests are to be announced. At public balls it is customary.

ANSWERING INVITATIONS. See under FUNCTIONS, as DINNERS, INVITATIONS, etc.

APPLES should be pared, cut into small pieces, and eaten with finders or forks.

ARCHBISHOP OF ANGLICAN CHURCH--HOW ADDRESSED. An official letter begins: My Lord Archbishop, may it please your Grace, and ends: I remain, My Lord Archbishop, your Grace's most obedient servant.

A social letter begins: My dear Lord Archbishop, and ends: I have the honor to remain, my dear Lord Archbishop.

The address on the envelop is: The Most Reverend, His Grace the Archbishop of Kent.

ARCHBISHOP OF ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH--HOW ADDRESSED. An official or social letter begins: Most Reverend and Dear Sir, and ends: I have the honor to remain your humble servant.

The address on the envelope is: The Most Reverend John J. Wilson, Archbishop of Kent.

ARTICHOKES are eaten with the fingers, taking off leaf by leaf and dipping into the sauce. The solid portion is broken up and eaten with a fork.

ASPARAGUS. The stalks may be taken between the finger and the thumb, if they are not too long, or the green end may be cut off and eaten with a fork, scraping off with the knife what is desired from the remaining part.

AT HOMES.

AFTERNOON AT HOMES. The days for receiving are engraved in the lower left hand corner of the card, with hours specified if one wishes.

No changes should be made in these hours by the hostess unless for exceptional reasons, and she should always be present at the time set.

Unless very intimate, the call should be made only on the specified days.

BACHELORS. It is not customary for a bachelor to use "At Home" cards as a woman does, nor to invite his friends by writing a date and Music at four on his calling-cards in place of an invitation.

DRESS. In the afternoon the caller should wear afternoon dress, and in the evening evening dress.

ACKNOWLEDGING INVITATIONS. Invitations to an ordinary at home need no acknowledgment.

INVITATIONS. Cards for an "At Home" are engraved with the hour for beginning the entertainment--as, Chocolate at 4.30 o'clock. The invitations to a formal "At Home" should be sent in two envelopes, but to an ordinary "At Home" in one envelope. For informal affairs the hour may be written on an ordinary "At Home" card.

BACHELORS' DINNERS. They follow the usual custom of formal dinners, and may be as elaborate as desired. Women may be invited. Such dinners are often given for men only.

CALLS. Women do not call upon a bachelor after attending a dinner given by him.

CHAPERONE. If women are present, a married woman as chaperone is indispensable, and her husband must also be invited. The host should call upon the chaperone and personally request the favor.

The chaperone is taken into dinner by the host, unless the latter takes in the woman in whose honor the dinner may be given. In the latter case, the chaperone is seated at the host's left. She gives the signal for the women to leave the dining-room.

All guests should be introduced to the chaperone, and she should be called upon after a short time by the host.

DRESS. All guests wear evening dress.

HOST. The host should call upon the chaperone within a few days after the dinner.

If men only are present, he either precedes or follows the guests into the dining-room, and if he has given the dinner in honor of some man, he has the latter seated at his right. His duties are the same as the host at dinners.

INVITATIONS. These are usually given in brief notes, but may be engraved, and are similar to the regular invitations to dinners, and are treated accordingly.

MEN. The men wear evening dress, and follow the same etiquette as at other dinners.

WOMEN. The women wear evening dress, and follow the same etiquette as at all dinners, except that no calls are made by them afterward upon the host.

BACHELOR'S FAREWELL DINNER. If the groom wishes, he may give a farewell dinner a few evenings before the wedding to his best man, ushers, and a few intimate friends. He sits at the head of the table and the best man opposite, and on this occasion he may give scarf-pins, link cuff-buttons--or neckties and gloves, if he wishes--to the best man and ushers.

BACHELORS' LUNCHEONS. These are conducted like BACHELOR'S DINNERS, which see. The one difference is that, should the luncheon be given before 6 P.M., afternoon dress should be worn.

BACHELORS' OPERA PARTIES. See THEATRE AND OPERA PARTIES GIVEN BY MEN.

BACHELORS' SUPPERS. These are conducted the same as BACHELOR'S DINNERS, which see.

BACHELORS' TEAS OR AFTERNOON RECEPTIONS.

CHAPERONES. If women are present, a married chaperone is indispensable, who should be the first person invited by personal call.

The chaperone at a small affair pours the tea, and at a large one she receives with the host, and each guest is presented to her.

The host conducts the chaperone to her carriage, and also any other women who may have assisted her.

DRESS. The hosts and guests wear afternoon dress.

INVITATIONS. These maybe oral, brief notes, or, for a large affair, engraved, and should be sent from three days to a week in advance.

HOST. The host should greet his guests at the door, shaking hands with each one, and introducing to the chaperone those not known to her.

He introduces guests who are strangers to each other, bids them adieu, accompanies the women to the door, and escorts the chaperone to her carriage, and if she has come alone without one, may very properly escort her home.

If at a large reception several women have helped him entertain, he should thank them and see them to their carriages.

He will, of course, see that there is provided a dressing-room for women with a maid to wait upon them, and that the rooms are in good order, well furnished with flowers, and that the refreshments are attended to. See also INVITATIONS.

MEN. Afternoon dress is worn.

WOMEN. The invitations, engraved or oral, should be promptly acknowledged.

Women wear dress customary at afternoon teas, and on their entrance should greet the host. Upon departing they take leave of him, though this is not necessary if the reception be a large one.

If a young woman knows that a chaperone is present, she need not have her own chaperone accompany her.

If the chaperone leaves early, she should do likewise.

BACHELORS' THEATRE PARTY. See THEATRE AND OPERA PARTIES GIVEN BY MEN.

BADGES--BALLS (PUBLIC). It is customary for men and women on the committees to wear on the left side of the breast ornamental badges, embroidered with the official position of the wearer.

BAGGAGE. If a man is traveling with a woman, he should see to the checking and care of her baggage. See also TRAVELING.

WEDDING TRIP. The best man should, some time before the wedding, see that the baggage of the bridal couple has been checked, and the checks given to the groom. See also BEST MAN.

BALLS. A ball is an evening function, beginning at a late hour, devoted wholly to dancing. The costumes are more elaborate, the supper arrangements more extensive, and the floral decorations more lavish than at a dance.

ACCEPTING INVITATION TO DANCE. While a young woman may accept or decline any invitation to dance, it is considered an act of discourtesy to refuse one man for a dance and to accept an invitation thereafter for the same dance from another.

ANNOUNCING GUESTS. The hostess decides whether or not the guests are to be announced. At public balls it is customary.

ANSWERING INVITATIONS. These should be answered immediately, and if declined, the ticket should be returned.

ARRIVING AT. There is no set rule when guests should arrive.

In the city, guests should arrive anywhere between eleven and twelve, and in the country, fifteen minutes after the hour set in the invitation.