Part 9

The driver threw the card in the gutter: "Never heard of you before," said the driver, "and don't want to hear of you again. But I want my fare--and I must have it!" The great banker was in haste. "I have only an order for a million," he said. "Give me change;" and he proffered a "coupon" for fifty thousand francs.

The conductor stared, and the passengers set up a horselaugh. Just then an "Agent de Change" came by, and Baron Rothschild borrowed of him the six sous.

The driver was now seized with a kind of remorseful respect; and turning to the Money-King, he said:

"If you want ten francs, Sir, I don't mind lending them to you on my own account!"

MRS. CAUDLE'S UMBRELLA.

ONE of the best chapters in "Mrs. Caudle's Curtain Lectures," is where that amiable and greatly abused angel reproaches her inhuman spouse with loaning the family umbrella:

"Ah! that's the third umbrella gone since Christmas! What were you to do? Why, let him go home in the rain. I don't think there was any thing about _him_ that would spoil. Take cold, indeed! He does not look like one o' the sort to take cold. He'd better taken cold, than our only umbrella. Do you hear the rain, Caudle? I say do you _hear the rain_? Do you hear it against the windows? Nonsense; you can't be asleep with such a shower as that. Do you _hear_ it, I say? Oh, you _do_ hear it, do you? Well, that's a pretty flood, I think, to last six weeks, and no stirring all the time out of the house. Poh! don't think to fool _me_, Caudle: _he_ return the umbrella! As if any body ever _did_ return an umbrella! There--do you hear it? Worse and worse! Cats and dogs for six weeks--always six weeks--and no umbrella!

"I should like to know how the children are to go to school, to-morrow. They shan't go through _such_ weather, _that_ I'm determined. No; they shall stay at home, and never learn anything, sooner than go and get wet. And when they grow up, I wonder who they'll have to thank for knowing nothing. People who can't feel for their children ought never to _be_ fathers.

"But _I_ know why you lent the umbrella--_I_ know very well. I was going out to tea to mother's, to-morrow;--you _knew_ that very well; and you did it on purpose. Don't tell me; _I_ know: you don't want me to go, and take every mean advantage to hinder me. But don't you think it, Caudle. No; if it comes down in buckets-full, I'll go all the more: I will; and what's more, I'll walk every step of the way; and you know that will give me my death," &c., &c., &c.

FOLLOW YOUR NOSE.

"PRAY, Sir, what makes you walk so crookedly?" "Oh, my nose, you see, is crooked, and I have to follow it!"

LORENZO DOW.

LORENZO DOW is still remembered by some of the "old fogies" as one of the most eccentric men that ever lived. On one occasion he took the liberty, while preaching, to denounce a rich man in the community, recently deceased. The result was an arrest, a trial for slander, and an imprisonment in the county jail. After Lorenzo got out of "limbo," he announced that, in spite of his (in his opinion) unjust punishment, he should preach, at a given time, a sermon about "another rich man." The populace was greatly excited, and a crowded house greeted his appearance. With great solemnity he opened the Bible, and read, "And there was a rich man who died and went to ----;" then stopping short, and seeming to be suddenly impressed, he continued: "Brethren, I shall not mention the place this rich man went to, for fear he has some relatives in this congregation who will sue me for defamation of character." The effect on the assembled multitude was irresistible, and he made the impression permanent by taking another text, and never alluding to the subject again.

SMART WAITER.

THE following story, although latterly related of "a distinguished Southern gentleman, and former member of the cabinet," was formerly told, we are _almost_ quite certain, of the odd and eccentric John Randoph of Roanoke, with certain omissions and additions. Be that as it may, the anecdote is a good one, and "will do to keep."

"The gentleman was a boarder in one of the most splendid of the New York hotels; and preferring not to eat at the _table d'hôte_, had his meals served in his own parlor, with all the elegance for which the establishment had deservedly become noted.

"Being somewhat annoyed with the airs of the servant who waited upon him--a negro of 'the blackest dye'--he desired him at dinner one day to retire. The negro bowed, and took his stand behind the gentleman's chair. Supposing him to be gone, it was with some impatience that, a few minutes after, the gentleman saw him step forward to remove his soup.

"'Fellow!' said he, 'leave the room! I wish to be alone.'

"'Excuse me, Sah,' said Cuffee, drawing himself stiffly up, 'but _I'se 'sponsible for de silver_!'"

COULDN'T FIND IT OUT.

MR. SLOCUM was not educated in a university, and his life has been in by-paths, and out-of-the-way places. His mind is characterized by the literalness, rather than the comprehensive grasp of great subjects. Mr. Slocum can, however, master a printed paragraph, by dint of spelling the hard words, in a deliberate manner, and manages to gain a few glimpses of men and things, from his little rocky farm, through the medium of a newspaper. It is quite edifying to hear Mr. Slocum reading the village paper aloud, to his wife, after a hard day's work. A few evenings since, farmer Slocum was reading an account of a dreadful accident, which happened at the factory in the next town, and which the village editor had described in a great many words.

"I declare, wife, that was an awful accident over to the mills," said Mr. Slocum.

"What was it about, Mr. Slocum?"

"I'll read the 'count, wife, and then you'll know all about it."

Mr. S. began to read:

"_Horrible and Fatal Accident._--It becomes our melancholy and painful duty, to record the particulars of an accident that occurred at the lower mill, in this village, yesterday afternoon, by which a human being, in the prime of life, was hurried to that bourne from which, as the immortal Shakspeare says, 'no traveler returns.'"

"Du tell!" exclaimed Mrs. S.

"Mr. David Jones, a workman, who has but few superiors this side of the city, was superintending one of the large drums--"

"I wonder if 'twas a brass drum, such as has 'Eblubust Unum' printed on't," said Mrs. Slocum.

--"When he became entangled. His arm was drawn around the drum, and finally his whole body was drawn over the shaft, at a fearful rate. When his situation was discovered, he had revolved with immense velocity, about fifteen minutes, his head and limbs striking a large beam a distinct blow at each revolution."

"Poor creeter! how it must have hurt him!"

"When the machinery had been stopped, it was found that Mr. Jones's arms and legs were macerated to a jelly."

"Well, didn't it kill him?" asked Mrs. S., with increasing interest.

"Portions of the dura mater, cerebrum, and cerebellum, in confused masses, were scattered about the floor; in short, the gates of eternity had opened upon him."

Here, Mr. Slocum paused to wipe his spectacles, and the wife seized the opportunity to press the question.

"Was the man killed?"

"I don't know--haven't come to that place yet; you'll know when I've finished the piece." And Mr. Slocum continued reading:

"It was evident, when the shapeless form was taken down, that it was no longer tenanted by the immortal spirit--that the vital spark was extinct."

"Was the man killed? that's what I want to come at," said Mrs. Slocum.

"Do have a little patience, old woman," said Mr. Slocum, eyeing his better half, over his spectacles, "I presume we shall come upon it right away." And he went on reading:

"This fatal casualty has cast a gloom over our village, and we trust that it will prove a warning to all persons who are called upon to regulate the powerful machinery of our mills."

"Now," said Mrs. Slocum, perceiving that the narration was ended, "now, I should like to know whether the man was killed or not?"

Mr. Slocum looked puzzled. He scratched his head, scrutinized the article he had been perusing, and took a graceful survey of the paper.

"I declare, wife," said he, "it's curious, but really the paper don't say."

CAUGHT ON A JURY.

THE following, which we have heard told as a fact, some time ago, may be beneficial to some gentleman who has a young and unsuspecting wife:

A certain man, who lived about ten miles from K----, was in the habit of going to town, about once a week, and getting on a regular spree, and would not return until he had time to "cool off," which was generally two or three days. His wife was ignorant of the cause of his staying out so long, and suffered greatly from anxiety about his welfare. When he would return, of course his confiding wife would inquire what had been the matter with him, and the usual reply was, that he was caught on the jury, and couldn't get off.

Having gathered his corn, and placed it in a large heap, he, according to custom, determined to call in his neighbors, and have a real corn-shucking frolic. So he gave Ned, a faithful servant, a jug and an order, to go to town and get a gallon of whiskey--a very necessary article on such occasions. Ned mounted a mule, and was soon in town, and, equipped with the whiskey, remounted to set out for home, all buoyant with the prospect of fun at shucking.

When he had proceeded a few hundred yards from town, he concluded to take the "stuff," and not satisfied with once, he kept trying until the world turned round so fast, that he turned off the mule, and then he went to sleep, and the mule to grazing. It was now nearly night, and when Ned awoke it was just before the break of day, and so dark, that he was unable to make any start towards home until light. As soon as his bewilderment had subsided, so that he could get the "point," he started with an empty jug, the whiskey having run out, and afoot, for the mule had gone home. Of course he was contemplating the application of a "two year old hickory," as he went on at the rate of two forty.

Ned reached home about breakfast time, and "fetched up" at the back door, with a decidedly guilty countenance.

"What in thunder have you been at, you black rascal?" said his master.

Ned knowing his master's excuse to his wife, when he went on a spree, determined to tell the truth, if he died for it, and said:

"Well, massa, to tell the truth, I was kotch on the jury, and couldn't get off."--_Nashville News._

A CURE BY LAUGHTER.

AN aged widow had a cow, which fell sick. In her distress for fear of the loss of this her principal means of support, she had recourse to the rector, in whose prayers she had implicit faith, and humbly besought his reverence to visit her cow, and pray for her recovery. The worthy man, instead of being offended at this trait of simplicity, in order to comfort the poor woman, called in the afternoon at her cottage, and proceeded to visit the sick animal. Walking thrice round it, he at each time gravely repeated: "_If she dies she dies, but if she lives she lives._" The cow happily recovered, which the widow entirely attributed to the efficacy of her pastor's prayer. Some short time after, the rector himself was seized with a quinsy, and in imminent danger, to the sincere grief of his affectionate parishioners, and of none more than the grateful widow. She repaired to the parsonage, and after considerable difficulty from his servants, obtained admission to his chamber, when thrice walking round his bed, she repeated "_If he dies he dies, but if he lives he lives_;" which threw the doctor into such a fit of laughter, that the imposthume broke, and produced an immediate cure.

GOOD PRAYER.

A WITTY lawyer once jocosely asked a boarding-house keeper the following question:

"Mr. ----, if a man gives you five hundred dollars to keep for him, and he dies, what do you do? Do you pray for him?"

"No, sir," replied ----, "I pray for another like him."

NON SUM QUALIS ERAM.

A NOBLE and learned lord, when attorney general, being at a consultation where there was considerable difference of opinion between him and his brother counsel, delivered his sentiments with his usual energy, and concluded by striking his hand on the table, and saying, "This, gentlemen, is _my opinion_." The peremptory tone with which this was spoken so nettled the solicitor, who had frequently consulted him when a young barrister, that he sarcastically repeated, "Your opinion! I have often had your opinion for five shillings." Mr. Attorney with great good humour said, "Very true, and probably you then paid its full value."

ONE SWALLOW DOES NOT MAKE A SUMMER.

ONE winter day, the Prince of Wales went into the Thatched House Tavern, and ordered a steak: "But," said his royal highness, "I am devilish cold, bring me a glass of hot brandy and water." He swallowed it, another, and another. "Now," said he, "I am comfortable, bring my steak." On which Mr. Sheridan took out his pencil, and wrote the following impromptu:

"The Prince came in, said it was cold, Then put to his head the rummer; Till _swallow_ after _swallow_ came, When he pronounced it summer."

CLASSICAL BULL. MILTON.

ADAM, the goodliest of _men since born His sons; the fairest of her daughters Eve_.

GIVE THE DEVIL HIS DUE.

AT the grand entertainment given at Vauxhall in July, 1813, to celebrate the victories of the Marquis of Wellington, the fire-works, prepared under the direction of General Congreve, were the theme of universal admiration. The General himself was present, and being in a circle where the conversation turned on monumental inscriptions, he observed that nothing could be finer than the short epitaph on Purcel, in Westminster Abbey.

"He has gone to that place where only his own Harmony can be exceeded."

"Why, General," said a lady, "it will suit you exactly, with the alteration of a single word.

"He is gone to that place, where only his own _Fire-Works_ can be exceeded."

A SOUND REASON.

A CERTAIN cabinet minister being asked why he did not promote merit? "Because," answered he, "merit did not promote me."

MODERN IMPROVEMENTS.

AN eminent barrister arguing a cause respecting the infringement of a patent for buckles, took occasion to hold forth on its vast improvement; and by way of example, taking one of his own out of his shoe, "What," exclaimed he, "would my ancestors have said to see my feet ornamented with this?" "Aye," observed Mr. Mingay, "what would they have said to see your feet ornamented with either shoes or stockings?"

A HOOSIER AT THE ASTOR.

B. MET on the train an elderly Hoosier, who had been to the show-case exhibition at New York, and who had seen the _hi po dro me_, as he called it.

"Did you remain long in New York?" asked B.

"Well, no," he answered thoughtfully, "only two days, for I saw there was a right smart chance of starving to death, and I'm opposed to that way of going down. I put up at one of their taverns, and allowed I was going to be treated to the whole."

"Where did you stop?" said B., interrupting him.

"At the Astor House. I allow you don't ketch me in no such place again. They rung a _gong_, as they call it, four times after breakfast, and then, when I went to eat, there wasn't nary vittles on the table."

"What was there?" B. ventured to inquire.

"Well," said the old man, enumerating the items cautiously, as if from fear of omission--"there was a clean plate wrong side up, a knife, a clean towel, a split spoon, and a hand bill, and what was worse," added the old man, "the insultin' nigger up and asked me what I wanted. '_Vittles_,' said I, '_bring in your vittles and I'll help myself!_'"

ECONOMY.

"BUBBY, why don't you go home and have your mother sew up that awful hole in your trowsers?"

"Oh, you git eout, old 'oman," was the respectful reply, "our folks are economizing, and a hole will last longer than a patch any day."

QUAKER _vs._ QUAKER.

OLD JACOB J---- was a shrewd Quaker merchant in Burlington, New Jersey, and, like all shrewd men, was often a little too smart for himself.

An old Quaker lady of Bristol, Pennsylvania, just over the river, bought some goods at Jacob's store, _when he was absent_, and in crossing the river on her way home, she met him aboard the boat, and, as was usual with him upon such occasions, he immediately pitched into her bundle of goods and untied it to see what she had been buying.

"Oh now," says he, "how much a yard did you give for that, and that?" taking up the several pieces of goods. She told him the price, without, however, saying where she had got them.

"Oh now," says he again, "I could have sold you those goods for so much a yard," mentioning a price a great deal lower than she had paid. "You know," says he, "I can undersell every body in the place;" and so he went on criticising and undervaluing the goods till the boat reached Bristol, when he was invited to go to the old lady's store, and when there the goods were spread out on the counter, and Jacob was asked to examine the goods again, and say, in the presence of witnesses, the price he would have sold them at per yard, the old lady, meanwhile, taking a memorandum. She then went to the desk and made out a bill of the difference between what she had paid and the price he told her; then coming up to him, she said,

"Now, Jacob, thee is sure thee could have sold those goods at the price thee mentioned?"

"Oh now, yes," says he.

"Well, then, thy young man must have made a mistake; for I bought the goods from thy store, and of course, under the circumstances, thee can have no objection to refund me the difference."

Jacob, being thus cornered, could, of course, under the circumstances, have no objection. It is to be presumed that thereafter Jacob's first inquiry must have been, "Oh now, where did you get such and such goods?" instead of "Oh now, how much did you pay?"

HEM _vs._ HAW.

MR. OBERON (a man about town) was lately invited to a sewing party. The next day a friend asked him how the entertainment came off. "Oh, it was very amusing," replied Oberon, "the ladies hemmed and I hawed."

POETRY DONE TO ORDER.

ON one occasion a country gentleman, knowing Joseph Green's reputation as a poet, procured an introduction to him, and solicited a "first-rate epitaph" for a favorite servant who had lately died. Green asked what were the man's chief qualities, and was told that "Cole excelled in all things, but was particularly good at raking hay, which he could do faster than anybody, the present company, of course, excepted." Green wrote immediately--

"Here lies the body of John Cole: His master loved him like his soul; He could rake hay; none could rake faster, Except that raking dog, his master."

THE RIVAL CANDIDATES.

TWO candidates disputed the palm for singing, and left the decision to Dr. Arne, who having heard them exert their vocal abilities, said to the one, "You, Sir, are the worst singer I ever heard." On which the other exulting, the umpire, turning to him, said, "And as for you, Sir, you cannot sing at all."

PARLIAMENTARY ORATORY.

A MEMBER of parliament took occasion to make his maiden speech, on a question respecting the execution of a particular statute. Rising solemnly, after three loud hems, he spoke as follows: "Mr. Speaker, have we laws, or have we not laws? If we have laws, and they are not executed, for what purpose were they made?" So saying, he sat down full of self-consequence. Another member then rose, and thus delivered himself: "Mr. Speaker, did the honourable member speak to the purpose, or not speak to the purpose? If he did not speak to the purpose, to what purpose did he speak?"

A BROAD HINT.

AN Irish gentleman, of tolerable assurance, obtruded his company where he was far from being welcome; the master of the house, indeed, literally kicked him down stairs. Returning to some acquaintance whom he had told his intention of dining at the above house, and being asked why he had so soon returned, he answered, "I got a hint that my company was not agreeable."

PARLIAMENTARY ORATORY.

MR. ADDISON, whose abilities no man can doubt, was from diffidence totally unable to speak in the house. In a debate on the Union act, desirous of delivering his sentiments, he rose, and began, "Mr. Speaker, _I conceive_"--but could go no farther. Twice he repeated, unsuccessfully, the same attempt; when a young member, possessed of greater effrontery than ability, completely confused him, by rising and saying, "Mr. Speaker, the honourable gentleman _has conceived three times, and brought forth nothing_."

A SEVERE REPROOF.

THE late Duke of Grafton, one of the last of the old school of polished gentlemen, being seated with a party of ladies in the stage-box of Drury-lane theatre, a sprig of modern fashion came in booted and spurred. At the end of the act, the duke rose, and made the young man a low bow:

"I beg leave, Sir, in the name of these ladies, and for myself, to offer you our thanks for your forbearance."

"I don't understand you; what do you mean?"

"I mean, that as you have come in with your boots and spurs, to thank you for that you have not brought your horse too."

CANINE LEARNING.

A FOREIGNER would be apt to suppose that all the dogs of England were literary, on reading a notice on a board stuck up in a garden at Millbank: "All dogs found in this garden will be shot."

A STRATAGEM.

A TRAVELER coming, wet and cold, into a country ale-house on the coast of Kent, found the fire completely blockaded. He ordered the landlord to carry his horse half a peck of oysters. "He cannot eat oysters," said mine host. "Try him," quoth the traveller. The company all ran out to see the horse eat oysters. "He won't eat them, as I told you," said the landlord. "Then," coolly replied the gentleman, who had taken possession of the best seat, "bring them to me, and I'll eat them myself."

A NECESSARY HINT.

OVER the chimney-piece, in the parlor of a public house, in Fleet street, is this inscription: "_Gentlemen learning to spell, are requested to use yesterday's paper._"

A REASON.

A COUNTRY parish clerk, being asked how the inscriptions on the tombs in the church-yard were so badly spelled? "Because," answered _Amen_, "the people are so niggardly, that they won't pay for good spelling."

CAPITAL JOKES.

WHILE a counsellor was pleading at the Irish bar, a louse unluckily peeped from under his wig. Curran, who sat next to him, whispered what he saw. "You joke," said the barrister. "If," replied Mr. Curran, "you have many such _jokes_ in your head, the sooner you _crack_ them the better."

RAPID TRAVELING.

A DIGNIFIED clergyman, possessor of a coal mine, respecting which he was likely to have a law-suit, sent for an attorney in order to have his advice. Our lawyer was curious to see a coal-pit, and was let down by a rope. Before he was lowered, he said to the parson, "Doctor, your knowledge is not confined to the surface of the world, but you have likewise penetrated to its inmost recesses; how far may it be from this to hell?" "I don't know, exactly," answered he, gravely, "but if you let go your hold, _you'll be there in a minute_."

A MISAPPELLATION.

A YOUNG officer being indicted for an assault on an aged gentleman, Mr. Erskine began to open the case thus: "This is an indictment against a soldier for assaulting an old man." "Sir," indignantly interrupted the defendant, "I am no soldier, I am an officer!" "I beg your pardon," said Mr. Erskine; "then, gentlemen of the jury, this is an indictment against _an officer_, who is _no soldier_, for assaulting an old man."

CONNUBIAL BLISS.

I ONCE met a free and easy actor, who told me he had passed three festive days at the Marquis and Marchioness of ---- without any invitation, convinced (as proved to be the case) that my lord and my lady, not being on _speaking terms_, each would suppose the other had asked him.--_Reynold's Life and Times._

QUICK FIRING.