Part 18
The counsel for the defendant said, his learned brother on the opposite side had been _floundering_ for some time, and he could not but think that Mrs. Isaacs was a _flat fish_ to come into court with such an action. This was the first time he had ever heard of a fishwoman complaining of abuse. The action originated at Billingsgate, and the words spoken (for he would not deny that they had been used) were nothing more than the customary language, the _lex non scripta_, by which all disputes were settled at that place. If the court were to sit for the purpose of reforming the language at Billingsgate, the sittings would be interminable, actions would be as plentiful as mackerel at midsummer, and the Billingsgate fishwomen would oftener have a new suit at Guildhall, than on their backs. Under these circumstances, the learned counsel called on the jury to reduce the damages to a _shrimp_.
Verdict. Damages, _One Penny_.
HANG TOGETHER OR HANG SEPARATELY.
RICHARD PENN, one of the proprietors, and of all the governors of Pennsylvania, under the old régime, probably the most deservedly popular,--in the commencement of the revolution, (his brother John being at that time governor,) was on the most familiar and intimate terms with a number of the most decided and influential whigs; and, on a certain occasion, being in company with several of them, a member of Congress observed, that such was the crisis, "they must all _hang together_." "If you do not, gentlemen," said Mr. Penn, "I can tell you, that you will be very apt to _hang separately_."
WEBSTER MATCHED BY A WOMAN.
IN the somewhat famous case of Mrs. Bogden's will, which was tried in the Supreme Court some years ago, Mr. Webster appeared as counselor for the appellant. Mrs. Greenough, wife of Rev. William Greenough, late of West Newton, a tall, straight, queenly-looking woman with a keen black eye--a woman of great self-possession and decision of character, was called to the stand as a witness on the opposite side from Mr. Webster. Webster, at a glance, had the sagacity to foresee that her testimony, if it contained anything of importance, would have great weight with the court and jury. He therefore resolved, if possible, to break her up. And when she answered to the first question put to her, "I believe--" Webster roared out:
"We don't want to hear what you believe; we want to hear what you know!"
Mrs. Greenough replied, "That is just what I was about to say, Sir," and went on with her testimony.
And notwithstanding his repeated efforts to disconcert her, she pursued the even tenor of her way, until Webster, becoming quite fearful of the result, arose apparently in great agitation, and drawing out his large snuff-box thrust his thumb and finger to the very bottom, and carrying the deep pinch to both nostrils, drew it up with a gusto; and then extracting from his pocket a very large handkerchief, which flowed to his feet as he brought it to the front, he blew his nose with a report that rang distinct and loud through the crowded hall.
_Webster:_ Mrs. Greenough, was Mrs. Bogden a neat woman?
_Mrs. Greenough:_ I cannot give you very full information as to that, Sir; she had one very dirty trick.
_Webster:_ What was that, Ma'am?
_Mrs. Greenough:_ She took snuff!
The roar of the court-house was such that the future defender of the Constitution subsided, and neither rose nor spoke again until after Mrs. Greenough had vacated her chair for another witness--having ample time to reflect upon the inglorious history of the man who had a stone thrown on his head by a woman.
A TEMPERANCE LECTURE.
"DADDY, I want to ask you a question." "Well, my son." "Why is neighbor Smith's liquor shop like a counterfeit dollar?" "I can't tell, my son." "Because you can't pass it," said the boy.
A DARNED SUBJECT.
A FEMALE writer says, "Nothing looks worse on a lady than darned stockings." Allow us to observe that stockings which _need darning_ look much worse than darned ones--Darned if they don't!
GO IT.
IT is astonishing how "toddy" promotes independence. A Philadelphia old "brick," lying, a day or two since, in the gutter in a very spiritual manner, was advised in a friendly way to economize, as "flour was going up." "Let it go up," said old bottlenose, "I kin git as 'high' as flour kin--any day."
TAPPING.
A GENTLEMAN in the Highlands of Scotland was attacked with a dropsy, brought on by a too zealous attachment to his bottle; and it gained upon him, at length, to such a degree, that he found it necessary to abstain entirely from all spirituous liquors. Yet though discharged from drinking himself, he was not hindered from making a bowl of punch to his friends. He was sitting at this employment, when his physicians, who had been consulting in an adjoining room, came in to tell him, that they had just come to a resolution to tap him. "You may tap me as you please," said the old gentleman, "but ne'er a thing was ever tapped in my house that lasted long."
The saying was but too true, he was tapped that evening, and died the next day.
DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND.
A FEW weeks ago a "sporting character" _looked in_ at the Hygeia Hotel, just to see if he could fall in with any subjects, but finding none, and understanding from the respectful proprietor, Mr. Parks, that he could not be accommodated with a private room wherein to exercise the mysteries of his craft, he felt the time begin to hang heavy on his hands; so in order to dispel _ennui_ he took out a pack of cards and began to amuse the by-standers in the bar-room with a number of ingenious tricks with them, which soon drew a crowd around him. "Now," said he, after giving them a good shuffle and slapping the pack down upon the table, "I'll bet any man ten dollars I can cut the Jack of hearts at the first attempt." Nobody seemed inclined to take him up, however, till at last a weather-beaten New England skipper, in a pea-jacket, stumped him by exclaiming, "Darned if I don't bet you! But stop; let me see if all's right." Then taking up and inspecting it, as if to see that there was no deception in it, he returned it to the table, and began to fumble about in a side pocket, first taking out a jack-knife, then a twist of tobacco, &c., till he produced a roll of bank notes, from which he took one of $10 and handed it to a by-stander; the gambler did the same, and taking out a pen-knife, and literally cutting the pack in two through the middle, turned with an air of triumph to the company, and demanded if he had not _cut_ the Jack of hearts. "No, I'll be darned if you have!" bawled out Jonathan, "for here it is, safe and sound." At the same time producing the card from his pocket, whither he had dexterously conveyed it while pretending to examine the pack, to see if it was "all right." The company were convulsed with laughter, while the poor "child of chance" was fain to confess that "_it was hard getting to windward of a Yankee._"
A HIGH AUTHORITY.
MR. CURRAN was once engaged in a legal argument; behind him stood his colleague, a gentleman whose person was remarkably tall and slender, and who had originally intended to take orders. The Judge observing that the case under discussion involved a question of ecclesiastical law; "Then," said Curran, "I can refer your lordship to a _high_ authority behind me, who was once intended for the church, though in my opinion he was fitter for the steeple."
MISTAKEN THIS TIME.
COL. MOORE, a veteran politician of the Old Dominion, was a most pleasant and affable gentleman, and a great lisper withal. He was known by a great many, and professed to know many more; but a story is told of him in which he failed to convince either himself or the stranger of their previous acquaintance. All things to all men, he met a countryman, one morning, and in his usual hearty manner stopped and shook hands with him, saying--
"Why, how _do_ you do, thir? am very glad to thee you; a fine day, thir, I thee you thill ride the old gray, thir."
"No, Sir, this horse is one I borrowed this morning."
"Oh! ah! Well, thir, how are the old gentleman and lady?"
"My parents have been dead about three years, Sir!"
"But how ith your wife, thir, and the children?"
"I am an unmarried man, Sir."
"Thure enough. Do you thill live on the old farm?"
"No, Sir; I've just arrived from Ohio, where I was born."
"Well, thir, I gueth I don't know you after all. Good morning, thir."
ONE OF THE BOYS.
NEIGHBOR T---- had a social party at his house a few evenings since, and the "dear boy," Charles, a five-year old colt, was favored with permission to be seen in the parlor.
"Pa" is somewhat proud of his boy, and Charles was of course elaborately gotten up for so great an occasion. Among other extras, the little fellow's hair was treated to a liberal supply of eau de cologne, to his huge gratification. As he entered the parlor, and made his bow to the ladies and gentlemen--
"Lookee here," said he proudly, "if any one of you smells a smell, that's _me_!"
The effect was decided, and Charles, having thus in one brief sentence delivered an illustrative essay on human vanity, was the hero of the evening.
BOY ALL OVER.
A DISTINGUISHED lawyer says, that in his young days, he taught a boy's school, and the pupils wrote compositions; he sometimes received some of a peculiar sort. The following are specimens:
"_On Industry._--It is bad for a man to be _idol_. Industry is the best thing a man can have, and a wife is the next. Prophets and kings desired it long, and without the site. Finis."
"_On the Seasons._--There is four seasons, Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter. They are all pleasant. Some people may like the Spring best, but as for me,--give me liberty, or give me death. The End."--_Olive Branch._
PREPARATION FOR DINING.
AN Irish housemaid who was sent to call a gentleman to dinner, found him engaged in using a tooth-brush. "Well, is he coming?" said the lady of the house, as the servant returned. "Yes, Ma'am, directly," was the reply; "he's just sharpening his teeth."
POETRY AND PRIGGING.
BETWEEN POETS and prigs, though seemingly "wide as the poles asunder" in character, a strong analogy exists--and that list of "petty larceny rogues" would certainly be incomplete, which did not include the Parnassian professor. The difference, however, between Prigs and Poets appears to be--that the former hold the well-known maxim of "Honor among thieves" in reverence, and steal only from the public, while the latter, less scrupulous, steal unblushingly from one another. This truth is as old as Homer, and its proofs are as capable of demonstration as a mathematical axiom. Should the alliance between the two professions be questioned, the following case will justify our assertion.
Mike Smith, a ragged urchin, who, though hardly able to peep over a police bar, has been in custody more than a dozen times for petty thefts, was charged by William King, an industrious cobbler and ginger-beer merchant, with having stolen a bottle of "ginger-pop" from his stall.
The prosecutor declared the neighborhood in which his stall was situated--that more than Cretan Labyrinth called the "Dials"--was so infested with "young _warmint_" that he found it utterly impossible to turn one honest penny by his ginger-pop, for if his eyes were off his board for an instant, the young brigands who were eternally on the look-out, took immediate advantage of the circumstance, and on his next inspection, he was sure to discover that a bottle or two had vanished. While busily employed on a pair of boots that morning, he happened to cast his eyes where the ginger-pop stood, when, to his very great astonishment, he saw a bottle move off the board just for all the world as if it had possessed the power of locomotion. A second was about to follow the first, when he popped his head out at the door and the mystery was cleared up, for there he discovered the young delinquent making a rapid retreat on all-fours, with the "ginger-pop," the cork of which had flown out, fizzing from his breeches-pocket. After a smart administration of the strappado, he proceeded to examine the contents of his pinafore, which was bundled round him. This led to the discovery that the young urchin had been on a most successful forage for a dinner that morning. He had a delicate piece of pickled pork, a couple of eggs, half a loaf, part of a carrot, a china basin, and the lid of a teapot; all of which, on being closely pressed, he admitted were the result of his morning's legerdemain labor.
Mr. Dyer inquired into the parentage of the boy, and finding that they were quite unable, as well as unwilling, to keep him from the streets, ordered that he should be detained for the present.
The boy when removed to the lock-up room--a place which familiarity with had taught him to regard with indifference--amused himself by giving vent to a poetical inspiration in the following admonitory distich, which he scratched on the wall:
"Him as prigs wot isn't _his'n_-- Ven he's cotched--vill go to _pris'n_."
NAUTICAL SERMON.
WHEN Whitefield preached before the seamen at New York, he had the following bold apostrophe in his sermon:
"Well, my boys, we have a clear sky, and are making fine headway over a smooth sea, before a light breeze, and we shall soon lose sight of land. But what means this sudden lowering of the heavens, and that dark cloud arising from beneath the western horizon? Hark! Don't you hear distant thunder? Don't you see those flashes of lightning? There is a storm gathering! Every man to his duty! How the waves rise and dash against the ship! The air is dark! The tempest rages! Our masts are gone! The ship is on her beam ends! What next?"
It is said that the unsuspecting tars, reminded of former perils on the deep, as if struck by the power of magic, arose with united voices and minds, and exclaimed, "_Take to the long boat._"
BREVET MAJOR.
A NOBLEMAN having given a grand party, his tailor was among the company, and was thus addressed by his lordship: "My dear Sir, I remember your face, but I forget your name." The tailor whispered in a low tone--"I made your breeches." The nobleman, taking him by the hand, exclaimed--"Major Breeches, I am happy to see you."
ADVERTIZING HIGH.
A TIPSY loafer mistook a globe lamp with letters on it, for the queen of night: "I'm blessed," said he, "if somebody haint stuck an advertisement on the moon!"
COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
GOVERNOR S---- was a splendid lawyer, and could talk a jury out of their seven senses. He was especially noted for his success in criminal cases, almost always clearing his client. He was once counsel for a man accused of horse-stealing. He made a long, eloquent, and touching speech. The jury retired, but returned in a few moments, and, with tears in their eyes, proclaimed the man not guilty. An old acquaintance stepped up to the prisoner and said:
"Jim, the danger is past; and now, honor bright, didn't you steal that horse?"
"Well, Tom, I've all along thought I took that horse; but since I've heard the Governor's speech, I don't believe I did!"
LARGE SNAKE.
AN Indian came to a certain "agency," in the northern part of Iowa, to procure some whiskey for a young warrior that had been bitten with a rattlesnake. At first the agent did not credit the story, but the earnestness of the Indian, and the urgency of the case, overcame his scruples, and turning to get the liquor, he asked the Indian how much he wanted.
"Four quarts," answered the Indian.
"Four quarts?" asked the agent in surprise; "so much as that?"
"Yes," replied the Indian, speaking through his set teeth, and frowning as savagely as though about to wage war against the snake tribe, "four quarts--_snake very big_."
DANGERS OF DUSTING; OR, MORE BEAUTIES OF MODERN LEGISLATION.
BOB SMITH and Bill Davis, a couple of boys in the full costume of the "order" chummy, were charged with the high crime and misdemeanor of having attempted to violate that portion of the British Constitution, contained in the act relating to the removal of rubbish, by carrying off a portion of the contents of Lord Derby's dusthole, the property of the dust contractor.
"Please your lordship's grace," said the dust contractor's deputy, "master and me has lately lost a hunaccountable lot o' dust off our beat, and as ve nat'rally know'd 'at it couldn't have vanished if no body had a prigged it, vy consekvent_lye_ I keeps a look out for them 'ere unlegal covies vot goes out a dusting on the _cross_. Vhile I vos out in Growener-skvare, I saw'd both these here two young criminals slip down his lordship's airy and begin a shoveling his lordship's stuff into von of their sackses. I drops on 'em in the werry hidentikle hact, and collers both on 'em vith master's property."
_Mr. Conant:_ You hear the charge, my lads--what have you to say in defence?
_Smith:_ Ve vorks for the house, my lud.
_Mr. Conant:_ Is it your business to take away the dust?
_Smith:_ No, my lud--ve're the rig'lar chimbly sveeps vot sveeps his ludship's chimblys. Both on us call'd on his ludship to arsk if his ludship's chimblys vonted sveeping--and ve larnt that they didn't; so, my lud, as ve happened to see a lady sifting cinders in his ludship's airy, ve arks'd her if she could be so werry hobliging as to let us have a shovelful. She granted our demand vith the greatest perliteness, and jest as ve vos about to cut our sticks, that there chap comes up and lugs us avay to this here hoffice.
_Mr. Conant:_ The case is proved, and the act says you must be fined 10_l._ Have you got 10_l._ a-piece?
_Smith:_ (_grinning from ear to ear_)--Me got ten _pounds!_ I should like to see a cove vot ever had sitch a precious sum _all at vonce_. All as ever I got is threeha'pence-farden, and a bag of marbles; (_to the other_)--you got any capital, Bill?
_Bill:_ Ain't got nuffin--spent my last _brown_ on Vensday for a baked tater.
Mr. Conant looked over the act with a view of ascertaining if power had been granted to mitigate; but the legislature had so carefully provided for the enormity of the offence, that nothing less than the full penalty would, according to the act, satisfy the justice of the case.
The fine of 10_l._ each was imposed, or ten days' imprisonment.
ARBOREAL.
A RATHER foolish man of great wealth, was asked one day, if he had his genealogical tree.
"I don't know," he replied; "I have a great many trees, and I dare say I have that one. I will ask my gardener."
EXPLICIT.
IN an Irish provincial journal there is an advertisement running thus:--
"Wanted--a handy laborer, who can plow a married man and a Protestant, with a son or daughter."
BAD COUGH.
A FRIEND of ours was traveling lately, while afflicted with a very bad cough. He annoyed his fellow travelers greatly, till finally one of them remarked in a tone of displeasure--
"Sir, that is a very bad cough of yours."
"True, Sir," replied our friend, "but you will excuse me--it's the best I've got."
JUSTICE.
A WORKMAN, who was mounted on a high scaffold to repair a town clock, fell from his elevated station, upon a man who was passing. The workman escaped unhurt, but the man upon whom he fell, died. The brother of the deceased accused the workman of murder, had him arrested, and brought to trial. He pursued him with the utmost malignity, and would not admit a word in his defence. At length the judge, provoked at his unfounded hostility, gave the following judgment:
"Let the accused stand in the same spot whereon the dead man stood, and let the brother mount the scaffold, to the workman's old place and fall upon him. Thus will justice be satisfied."
The brother withdrew his suit.
POSTHUMOUS.
AN Irish student was once asked what was meant by posthumous works. "They are such works," says the Paddy, "as a man writes after he is dead."
AN INSTANCE OF REMARKABLE COOLNESS.
KNICKERBOCKER Magazine picks up a good many good things. In the December number we find a story which runs thus:--"Judge B., of New Haven, is a talented lawyer and a great wag. He has a son, Sam, a graceless wight, witty, and, like his father fond of mint juleps and other palatable "fluids." The father and son were on a visit to Niagara Falls. Each was anxious to "take a nip," but (one for example, and the other in dread of hurting the old man's feelings) equally unwilling to drink in the presence of the other. "Sam," said the Judge, "I'll take a short walk--be back shortly." "All right," replied Sam, and after seeing the old gentleman safely around the corner, he walked out quickly, and ordered a julep at a bar-room. While _in concocto_, the Judge entered, and (Sam just then being back of a newspaper, and consequently viewing, though viewless,) ordered a julep. The second was compounded, and the Judge was just adjusting his tube for a cooling draught, when Sam stepped up, and taking up his glass, requested the bar-tender to take his pay for both juleps from the bill the old gentleman had handed out to him! The surprise of the Judge was only equalled by his admiration for his son's coolness; and he exclaimed, "Sam! Sam!--you need no julep to cool _you_!" Sam "allowed" that he didn't."
LIBERALITY.
"PLEASE, Sir," said a little beggar girl to her charitable patron, "you have given me a bad sixpence." "Never mind," was the reply, "you may keep it for your honesty."
PEDANTRY REPROVED.
A YOUNG MAN, who was a student in one of our colleges, being very vain of his knowledge of the Latin language, embraced every opportunity that offered, to utter short sentences in Latin before his more illiterate companions. An uncle of his, who was a seafaring man, having just arrived from a long voyage, invited his nephew to visit him on board of the ship. The young gentleman went on board, and was highly pleased with everything he saw. Wishing to give his uncle an idea of his superior knowledge, he tapped him on the shoulder, and pointing to the windlass, asked, "Quid est hoc?" His uncle, being a man who despised such vanity, took a chew of tobacco from his mouth, and throwing it in his nephew's face, replied, "Hoc est _quid_."
BON MOT.
MR. BETHEL, an Irish counselor, as celebrated for his wit as his practice, was once robbed of a suit of clothes in rather an extraordinary manner. Meeting, on the day after, a brother barrister in the Hall of the Four Courts, the latter began to condole with him on his misfortune, mingling some expressions of surprise at the singularity of the thing. "It is extraordinary indeed, my dear friend," replied Bethel, "for without vanity, it is the first _suit_ I ever lost."
CAUSE OF GRIEF.
AN affectionate wife lamenting over her sick husband, he bade her dry her tears, for possibly he might recover. "Alas! my dear," said she, "the thought of it makes me weep."
WHERE YOU OUGHT TO HAVE BEEN.
A CLERGYMAN who is in the habit of preaching in different parts of the country, was not long since at an inn, where he observed a horse jockey trying to take in a simple gentleman, by imposing upon him a broken-winded horse for a sound one. The parson knew the bad character of the jockey, and taking the gentleman aside, told him to be cautious of the person he was dealing with. The gentleman finally declined the purchase, and the jockey, quite nettled, observed--"Parson, I had much rather hear you preach, than see you privately interfere in bargains between man and man, in this way." "Well," replied the parson, "if you had been where you ought to have been, last Sunday, you might have heard me preach." "Where was that?" inquired the jockey. "In the State Prison," returned the clergyman.
COUNSEL AND WITNESS.