Part 13

"Up to him! what do you mean by that?"

"Mean, my lord! why, _I was down upon him_."

"Up to him and down upon him! what does the fellow mean?"

"Why I mean, my lord, _I stagged him_."

"I do not understand your language, friend."

"Lord! what a flat you must be!"

SCIENTIFIC DISTINCTIONS.

AN eminent physician, and Fellow of the Royal Society, seeing over the door of a paltry ale-house, _The Crown and Thistle_, by Malcolm Mac Tavish, M.D., F.R.S., walked in, and severely rebuked the landlord for this presumptuous insult on science. Boniface, with proper respect, but with a firmness that showed he had been a soldier, assured the doctor that he meant no insult to science. "What right then," asked he, "have you to put up those letters after your name?" "I have," answered the landlord, "as good a right to these as your honor, as _Drum Major of the Royal Scots Fusileers_."

CORPORAL PUNISHMENT.

A SOLDIER having been sentenced to receive military punishment, one of the drummers refused to inflict it, saying it was not his duty. "Not your duty, Sirrah!" said the adjutant, "what do you mean?" "I know very well," replied Tattoo, "that it is not my duty; I was present at the court martial, and heard the colonel say he was to receive _corporal_ punishment. I am no _corporal_, but only a _drummer_."

AN APOLOGY.

LIEUTENANT O'BRIEN, called _sky-rocket Jack_, was blown up in the Edgar, but saved on the carriage of a gun. Having got on board the admiral's ship, all dirty and wet, he said, "I hope, Sir, you will excuse my appearing before you in this dishabille, as I came away _in such a devil of a hurry_."

BLINDNESS _vs._ SIGHT.

A BLIND man having hidden a hundred guineas in the corner of his garden, a neighbor, who observed him in the act, dug them up, and took them. The blind man, missing his money, suspected who was the thief; but to accuse him would serve no purpose. He called on him, saying he wished to take his advice; that he was possessed of two hundred guineas, one hundred of which he had deposited in a secret spot; now he wished to have his opinion, whether he should conceal the remainder in the same place, or if he had better put it in the hands of a banker. The neighbor advised him, by all means, as the safest way, to hide it along with the rest, and hastened to replace what he had taken, in the hope of catching double the sum. But the blind man, having recovered his treasure, took occasion to tell his neighbor, "Blind as I am, _I can see as far into a mill-stone as you_."

A RETORT.

A SPENDTHRIFT rallying a miser, among other things, said, "I'll warrant these buttons on your coat were your great-grandfather's." "Yes," answered he, "and I have likewise got my great-grandfather's lands."

A CHRISTIAN PRECEPT.

A PHYSICIAN seeing old Bannister about to drink a glass of brandy, said, "Don't drink that poisonous stuff! brandy is the worst enemy you have." "I know that," answered Charles, "but we are commanded _to love our enemies_."

VANITY HUMBLED.

A CONSEQUENTIAL Scotch laird riding on the footpath of the high road between Edinburgh and Dalkeith, met a respectable farmer-looking man on foot, whom he insolently ordered to get out of the way. The other answered,

"I am in the proper way, while you very improperly ride on the footpath."

"Do you know, Sir, to whom you are talking?"

"Not I, indeed."

"I am Mr. ----, of ----."

"Very likely."

"And I am one of the trustees for this road."

"Then you are a very bad trustee, thus to misuse the foot-way, and interrupt passengers."

"You are an impudent scoundrel, and I have a great mind to have you laid by the heels. What is your name, fellow?"

"_Henry, Duke of Montague._"

A LESSON.

A MISER having heard of another still more parsimonious than himself, waited on him to gain instruction. He found him reading over a small lamp, and having explained the cause of his visit, "If that be all," said the other, "we may as well put out the lamp, we can converse full as well in the dark." "I am satisfied," said the former, "that as an economist I am much your inferior, and I shall not fail to profit by this lesson."

A LEGISLATOR.

AN Irish member, adverting to the great number of _suicides_ that had occurred, moved for leave to bring in a bill to make it a capital offence!

DEAR WINE.

MR. ELWES, who united the most rigid parsimony with the most gentlemanly sentiments, received a present of some very _fine wine_ from a wine merchant, who knew that nothing could so win his heart as small gifts. It had the effect to obtain from him the loan of several hundred pounds. Mr. Elwes, who could never ask a gentleman for money, and who was a perfect philosopher as to his losses, used jocularly to say, "It was indeed very fine wine; for it cost him twenty pounds a bottle."

A GOOD HIT.

A GENTLEMAN being out a-shooting with Mr. Elwes, missed a dozen times successively. At length, firing at a covey of partridges, he lodged two pellets in Mr. Elwes's cheek, which gave him considerable pain; but on the other apologizing, and expressing his sorrow for the unfortunate accident, "My dear Sir," said the old man, "I give you joy of your improvement; _I knew you would hit_ something _by and by_."

SPENDING TIME.

"WHAT makes you spend your time so freely, Jack?"

"Because it's the only thing I have to spend."

THE LESSON PROFITED BY.

AN attorney traveling with his clerk to the circuit, the latter asked his master what was the chief point in a lawsuit. He answered, "If you will pay for a couple of fowls to our supper, I'll tell you." This being agreed to, the master said, "The chief point was _good witnesses_." Arrived at the inn, the attorney ordered the fowls, and when the bill was brought in, told the clerk to pay for them according to agreement. "O Sir," said he, "where are your _good witnesses_?"

BLACK WORK WELL PAID.

A CLERGYMAN meeting a chimney sweeper, asked whence he came?

"I have been sweeping your reverence's chimneys."

"How many were there?"

"Twenty, Sir."

"Well, and how much do you get a chimney?"

"Only a shilling a piece, Sir."

"Why, I think a pound is pretty well for your morning's work."

"Yes, Sir, _we black-coats_ get our money easy enough."

PROOF OF IDENTITY.

RICHARD II., on the Pope reclaiming, as a son of the church, a bishop whom he had taken prisoner in battle, sent him the prelate's _coat of mail_, and in the words of the Scripture asked him, "Know now whether this be _thy son's coat_ or not?"

NO LOSS FOR AN EXCUSE.

THE Welsh formerly drank their ale, mead, or metheglin out of earthen vessels, glazed and painted, within and without, with _dainty devices_. A farmer in the principality, who had a curious quart mug, with an angel painted on the bottom, on the inside, found that a neighbor who very frequently visited him, and with the customary hospitality had the first draught, always gave so hearty a swig as to leave little for the rest of the party. This, our farmer three or four times remonstrated against, as unfair; but was always answered, "Hur does so love to look at that pretty angel, that hur always drinks till hur can see its face." The farmer on this set aside his angel cup, and the next Shrewsbury fair, bought one with the figure of the devil painted at the bottom. This being produced, foaming with ale, to his guest, he made but one draught, and handed it to the next man quite empty. Being asked his reason, as he could not now wish to look at the angel, he replied, "No, but hur cannot bear to leave that ugly devil a drop."

THE GENERAL CHALLENGED.

GENERAL CRAIG, when in Dublin, called his servant to get ready his horse, but Pat was missing, and when he did make his appearance, he was _not perfectly sober_. The general asked where he had been? "I have been, sir," answered he, "where you dare not show your face, and doing what you dare not do, brave as you are." "Where, and what?" demanded the general, sternly. "Why, I have been _at the whiskey shop, spending my last sixpence_."

A QUESTION ANSWERED.

A SAILOR on ship-board, having fallen from the mizen-top, but his fall having been broken by the rigging, got up on the quarter deck, little hurt. The lieutenant asked where he _came from_? "Plase your honor," replied he, "I came from _the north of Ireland_."

A COUNSELLOR.

WHEN Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he proposed a person to his late majesty, as proper to fill a place of great trust, but which the king himself was determined should be given to another. The council, however, resolved not to indulge the king, _for fear of a dangerous precedent_. It was Lord Chesterfield's business to present the grant of the office for the king's signature. Not to incense his majesty, by asking him abruptly, he, with accents of great humility, begged to know with whose name his majesty would be pleased to have the blanks filled up? "_With the devil's!_" replied the king, in a paroxysm of rage. "And shall the instrument," said the earl, coolly, "run as usual--_to our trusty and well-beloved cousin and counsellor?_"

AN HIBERNIAN CAPTURE.

LIEUTENANT CONNOLLY, an Irishman, in the service of the United States, during the American war, having himself taken three Hessians prisoners, and being asked by the general, how he took them, he answered, "_I surrounded them._"

A BON BOUCHE.

AN Irish counsellor, author of one of the numerous pamphlets which emanated from the press on the subject of the union, meeting a brother barrister, asked him if he had seen his publication. The other answered, that he had, that very day, been dipping into part of it, and was delighted with its contents. Quite elated, the author asked his friend what part of the contents pleased him so much. "It was," answered the other, "a _mince pie_ which I got from the pastry cook's, wrapped up in half a sheet of your work."

CAN'T BE WORSE.

A VERY plain man was acting the character of Mithridates, in a French theatre, when Monima said to him, "My lord, you change countenance;" a young fellow in the pit, cried, "For heaven's sake, let him."

VIRTUE CHEAP.

A STONE mason was employed to engrave the following epitaph on a tradesman's wife: "A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband." The stone, however, being narrow, he contracted the sentence in the following manner: "A virtuous woman is 5_s._ to her husband."

THOROUGH WORK.

A BRICKLAYER fell through the rafters of an unfinished house, and nearly killed himself; a bystander declared that he ought to be employed, as he went smartly through his work.

NOT TO BE DONE BROWN.

DR. BROWN courted a lady for many years unsuccessfully; during which time, he had always accustomed himself to propose her health, whenever he was called upon for a lady. But being observed, one evening, to omit it, a gentleman reminded him that he had forgotten to toast his favorite lady. "Why, indeed," said the doctor, "I find it all in vain; I have toasted her so many years, and cannot make her Brown, that I am determined to toast her no longer."

FITNESS OF THINGS.

AN Irish sergeant, on a march, being attacked by a dog, pierced the animal with his halbert. On the complaint of the owner, the superior officer said to the offender, "Murphy, you were wrong in this. You should have struck the dog with the butt end of your halbert, and not with your blade." "Plaise your honor," says Murphy, "and I would have been glad for to save myself the trouble of claining my iron, if he had only been so kind as to bite me with his tail, instead of his teeth."

LETTING ON.

A LAWYER, in Ireland, who was pleading the cause of an infant plaintiff, took the child up in his arms, and presented it to the jury, suffused with tears. This had a great effect, till the opposite lawyer asked what made him cry? "He pinched me!" answered the little innocent. The whole court was convulsed with laughter.

AN INFALLIBLE RECEIPT.

AS Louis XIV. was, one severe frosty day, traveling from Versailles to Paris, he met a young man, very lightly clothed, tripping along in as much apparent comfort as if it had been in the midst of summer. He called him,--"How is it," said the king, "that, dressed as you are, you seem to feel no inconvenience from the cold, while, notwithstanding my warm apparel, I cannot keep from shivering?" "Sire," replied the pedestrian, "if your majesty will follow my example, I engage that you will be the warmest monarch of Europe." "How so?" asked the king. "Your majesty need only, like me, _carry all your wardrobe on your back_."

AN APT SCHOLAR.

"GEORGE, what does C A T spell?"

"Don't know, Sir."

"What does your mother keep to catch mice?"

"Trap, Sir."

"No, no, what animal is very fond of milk?"

"A baby, Sir."

"You dunce, what was it scratched your sister's face?"

"My nails, Sir."

"I am out of all patience! There, do you see that animal on the fence?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Do you know its name?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Then tell me what C A T spells."

"Kitten, Sir."

PROPENSITIES.

THE American General Lee, being one day at dinner where there were some Scotch officers, took occasion to say, that when he had got a glass too much, he had an unfortunate propensity to abuse the Scotch, and therefore should such a thing happen, he hoped they would excuse him. "By all means," said one of the Caledonians, "we have all our failings, especially when in liquor. I have myself, when inebriated, a very disagreeable propensity, if I hear any person abusing my country, to take the first thing I can lay hold of, and knock that man down. I hope therefore the company will excuse me if anything of the kind should happen." General Lee did not that afternoon indulge his propensity.

UNCONSCIONABLE EXPECTATION.

A CULPRIT having been adjudged, on a conviction of perjury, to lose his ears, when the executioner came to put the sentence in force, he was rather disappointed at finding the fellow had been cropped before. The criminal with great _sang froid_ exclaimed, "What! do you think I am always obliged to find you ears?"

A CASE OF ALARM.

AN Irish gentleman, hearing that his widowed mother was married again, said, in great perturbation, "I hope she won't have a son _older than me_, to cut me out of the estate!"

INDIAN FINESSE.

SOON after the settlement of New England, Governor Dudley saw a stout Indian idling in the market-place of Boston, and asked him why he did not work? He said he had nobody to employ him, but added, "Why don't you work, massa?" "Oh!" says the Governor, "my head works; but come, if you are good for any thing I will give you employment." He accordingly took him into his service, but soon found him to be an idle and thievish vagabond. For some tricks one day, his Excellency found it necessary to order him a whipping, which he did by a letter he desired him to carry, addressed to the provost marshal. Jack's guilty conscience made him suspect the contents, and meeting another Indian, he gave him a glass of rum to carry it for him. The poor devil willingly undertook to deliver it, and the marshal, as directed, caused the bearer to receive a hearty flogging. When this reached the Governor's ears, he asked Mr. Jack how he dared do such a thing. "Ah! massa," said he, "_head work_!"

ECONOMICAL.

MRS. PARTINGTON says that she did not marry her second husband because she loved the male sex, but just because he was the size of her first protector, and would come so good to wear his old clothes out.

GOOD TOAST.

AT a dinner in Springfield, Mass., recently, a lady sent the following volunteer toast:--"_Spruce_ old bachelors--the _ever greens_ of society."

NEW CAUSE OF IMPRISONMENT.

A COUNSEL having been retained to oppose a person justifying bail in the Court of King's Bench, after asking some common-place questions, was getting rather aground, when a waggish brother, sitting behind, whispered him to interrogate the bail as to his having been a prisoner in Gloucester gaol. Thus instructed, our learned advocate boldly asked, "When, Sir, were you last in Gloucester gaol?" The bail, a reputable tradesman, with astonishment declared that he never was in a gaol in his life. The counsel persisted; but not being able to get any thing more out of him, turned round and asked his friendly brother, for what the man had been imprisoned? The answer was, "_For suicide_." Without hesitation, he then questioned him thus: "Now, Sir, I ask you on your oath, and remember I shall have your words taken down, were you not _imprisoned_ in Gloucester gaol _for the crime of suicide_?"

THE BISHOP ANSWERED.

AN ignorant rector had occasion to wait on a bishop, who was so incensed at his stupidity that he exclaimed, "What _blockhead_ gave you a living?" The rector respectfully bowing, answered, "Your lordship."

SIMPLICITY _vs._ WIT.

A COUNTRY booby boasting of the numerous acres he enjoyed, Ben Jonson peevishly told him, "For every acre you have of land, I have an acre of wit." The other, filling his glass, said, "My service to you, Mr. _Wiseacre_!"

AN ELIGIBLE CORPS.

MR. BENSLEY, before he went on the stage, was a captain in the army. One day he met a Scotch officer who had been in the same regiment. The latter was happy to meet his old messmate, but was ashamed to be seen with a player. He therefore hurried Bensley to an unfrequented coffee-house, where he asked him very seriously, "Hoo could ye disgrace the corps by turning a play-actor?" Mr. Bensley answered, that he by no means considered it in that light; on the contrary, that a respectable performer of good conduct was much esteemed, and kept the best company. "And what, man," said the other, "do you get by this business of yours?" "I have," replied Mr. B., "at present an income of near a thousand a year." "A thousand a year!" exclaimed Saunders, astonished, "_hae ye ony vacancies in your corps?_"

AN INVITATION.

A LITTLE girl, who was at dinner among a large party, fearing she had been forgotten to be helped, crumbled some bread upon her plate, saying at the same time to a boiled chicken near her, "_Come biddy, come!_"

AN ARCH QUESTION.

DOMINICO, the harlequin, going to see Louis XIV. at supper, which was served in gold, fixed his eyes on a dish of partridges. The king, of whom he was a favourite, said, "Give that dish to Dominico." "_And the partridges too, Sire?_" said the actor. The king repeated, smiling, "And the partridges too."

IF THE CAP FITS.

THE following advertisement was some years ago posted up at North Shields:

"Whereas several idle and disorderly persons have lately made a practice of riding on an ass belonging to Mr. ----, the head of the Ropery stairs; now, lest any accident should happen, he takes this method of informing the public, that he has determined _to shoot his said ass_, and cautions any person who may be riding on it at the time, to take care of himself, lest by some unfortunate mistake he should shoot the _wrong one_."

A PRIVILEGED PLACE.

A BEAU highwayman and a miserable chimney sweeper were to be hanged together at Newgate for their respective deserts. When the ordinary was exhorting them, previously to the execution, the latter brushed rather rudely against the former, to hear what the parson was saying. "You black rascal!" said the highwayman, "what do you mean by pressing on me so?" Poor sweep, whimpering, said, "_I am sure I have as good a right here as you have._"

ADVANTAGE OF SPECTACLES.

DR. FRANKLIN always wore spectacles. One day, on Ludgate hill, a porter passing him was nearly pushed off the pavement by an unintentional motion of the doctor. The fellow, with characteristic insolence, exclaimed, "Damn your spectacles!" Franklin, smiling, observed, "It is not the first time they have _saved my eyes_."

A RARE BIT.

THE following extract from the inimitable "Autocrat of the Breakfast Table," is a fair specimen of the author's genius for humor:

Do I think that the particular form of lying often seen in newspapers, under the title, "From our Foreign Correspondent," does any harm?--Why, no,--I don't know that it does. I suppose it doesn't really deceive people any more than the "Arabian Nights," or "Gulliver's Travels" do. Sometimes the writers compile _too_ carelessly, though, and mix up facts out of geographies, and stories out of the penny papers, so as to mislead those who are desirous of information. I cut a piece out of one of the papers, the other day, which contains a number of improbabilities, and, I suspect, misstatements. I will send up and get it for you, if you would like to hear it.----Ah, this is it; it is headed

"OUR SUMATRA CORRESPONDENCE."

"This island is now the property of the Stamford family,--having been won, it is said, in a raffle, by Sir ----Stamford, during the stock-gambling mania of the South-Sea Scheme. The history of this gentleman may be found in an interesting series of questions (unfortunately not yet answered) contained in the 'Notes and Queries.' This island is entirely surrounded by the ocean, which here contains a large amount of saline substance, crystallizing in cubes remarkable for their symmetry, and frequently displays on its surface, during calm weather, the rainbow tints of the celebrated South-Sea bubbles. The summers are oppressively hot, and the winters very probably cold; but this fact cannot be ascertained precisely, as, for some peculiar reason, the mercury in these latitudes never shrinks, as in more northern regions, and thus the thermometer is rendered useless in winter.

"The principal vegetable productions of the island are the pepper tree and the bread-fruit tree. Pepper being very abundantly produced, a benevolent society was organized in London during the last century for supplying the natives with vinegar and oysters, as an addition to that delightful condiment. [Note received from Dr. D. P.] It is said, however, that, as the oysters were of the kind called _natives_ in England, the natives of Sumatra, in obedience to a natural instinct, refused to touch them, and confined themselves entirely to the crew of the vessel in which they were brought over. This information was received from one of the oldest inhabitants, a native himself, and exceedingly fond of missionaries. He is said also to be very skillful in the _cuisine_ peculiar to the island.

"During the season of gathering the pepper, the persons employed are subject to various incommodities, the chief of which is violent and long-continued sternutation, or sneezing. Such is the vehemence of these attacks, that the unfortunate subjects of them are often driven backwards for great distances at immense speed, on the well-known principle of the æolipile. Not being able to see where they are going, these poor creatures dash themselves to pieces against the rocks or are precipitated over the cliffs, and thus many valuable lives are lost annually. As, during the whole pepper-harvest, they feed wholly on this stimulant, they become exceedingly irritable. The smallest injury is resented with ungovernable rage. A young man suffering from the _pepper-fever_, as is called, cudgeled another most severely for appropriating a superannuated relative of trifling value, and was only pacified by having a present made him of a pig of that peculiar species of swine called the _Peccavi_ by the Catholic Jews, who, it is well known, abstain from swine's flesh in imitation of the Mahometan Buddhists.