Part 11

"D. Horton--Dear Sir: Please send me a shipping-book for 1859."

The dispatch received, read as follows:

"D. Horton:--Please send me a shipping-box eighteen feet by nine."

The following might have been more disastrous in its results; the same parties were concerned. Mr. Horton wrote to the proprietor of the line that he had been subpoenaed on a trial to be held in the Supreme Court of New York, and that as navigation was about to open, it would be necessary to send a man to perform his office duties. The following reply was entrusted to the tender care of the telegraph wire:

"See the Judge at once and get excused. I cannot send a man in your place."

When received, it read as follows:

"See the Judge at once and get executed; I can send a man in your place."

Mr. H. claims on the margin of the dispatch a stay of execution.

Not long since a gentleman telegraphed to a friend at Cleveland an interesting family affair, as follows:

"Sarah and little one are doing well."

The telegraph reached its destination, when it read thus:

"Sarah and litter are doing well."

The recipient telegraphed back the following startling query:

"For Heaven's sake, how many?"

SLEEPING IN CHURCH.

A CLERGYMAN observed in his sermon, that this was unpardonable, as people did it with their _eyes open_. Wrapt up in the admiration of his own discourse, he did not observe that from its tediousness his audience one by one had slipped away, until there only remained a natural. Lifting up his eyes, he exclaimed, "What! All gone, except this poor idiot!" "Aye," says the lad, "and _if I had not been a poor idiot I had been gone too_."

ECONOMY.

A LADY asked her butler how she might best save a barrel of excellent small beer; he answered, "By placing a cask of strong beer by it."

A CONSTELLATION OF BULLS.

A letter written during the Irish rebellion.

_My dear Sir_:--Having now a little _peace and quietness_, I sit down to inform you of a dreadful _bustle and confusion_ we are in from these blood-thirsty rebels, most of whom are, however, thank God, _killed or dispersed_.

We are in a pretty _mess_; can get _nothing to eat_, nor any _wine_ to drink, _except whiskey_; and when we _sit down_ to dinner, we are obliged to _stand_ with arms in both hands: _whilst I write this letter, I hold a sword in one hand and a pistol in the other. I concluded_, from the _beginning_, that this would be the _end_ of it; and I see I was right, for _it is not half over yet_. At present there is such _goings on_, that every thing is _at a stand_.

I should have answered your letter _a fortnight ago_, but _it only came this morning_. Indeed, hardly a mail arrives _safe_, without being _robbed_. Yesterday the coach with the mails from Dublin was _robbed_ near this town: but the _bags_ had been judiciously _left behind_, for fear of accidents; and by good luck there was nobody _in the coach_, except _two outside_ passengers, who had nothing for the thieves to take.

Last Thursday an alarm was given, that a gang of rebels were advancing hither, under the French _standard_; but they had no _colors_, nor any _drums_ except _bagpipes_. Immediately every _man_ in the place, including _women and children_, ran out to meet them. We soon found our force _much too little_; and they were _far_ too _near_ for us to think of retreating; so to it we went: _death_ was _in every face_; but by the time _half_ our little party was _killed_, we began to be _all alive_. The rebels fortunately had no _guns_, except _cutlasses and pikes_; and as we had plenty of _muskets and ammunition_, we put them all to the _sword_: not a soul of them _escaped_, except some that were _drowned_ in the adjoining bog; and in a very short time nothing was to be _heard_ but _silence_. Their _uniforms_ were _all_ of _different shapes_ and _colours_--in general they were green. After the action we rummaged their camp; all we found was a few _pikes without heads_, a parcel of _empty bottles full_ of water, and a bundle of _blank_ French commissions _filled up_ with Irishmen's names.

Troops are now stationed every where _round_ the country, which exactly _squares_ with my ideas. Nothing, however, can save us but a union, which would turn our _barren hills_ into fruitful _valleys_. I have only _leisure_ to add, that I am in _great haste_.

Yours truly, J. B.

P. S. If you do not _receive this in course_, it must have _miscarried_, therefore _write_ immediately to _let me know_.

THE LOGICIAN REWARDED.

A FARMER'S son, who had been bred at the university, coming home to visit his parents, a couple of chickens were brought to the table for supper. "I can prove," said he, "by logic, that these two chickens are three." "Well, let us hear," said the old man. "This," cried the scholar, "is one; and this is two; one and two make three." "Very good," replied the father, "your mother shall have the first chicken, I will have the second, and you, for your great learning, shall have the third."

DOUBLE PUNISHMENT.

THE captain of the Magnanime found it necessary one day to order a negro on board a flogging. Being tied up, the captain harangued him on his offence. Quaco, naked and shivering in the month of December, exclaimed, "Massa! if you preachee, preachee; if you floggee, floggee; but no preachee and floggee too."

REASON AND A PROVERB EXPLAINED.

IN a party of wits an argument took place as to the definition of a reasonable animal. Speech was principally contended for; but on this Dr. Johnson observed, that parrots and magpies speak; were they therefore rational? "Women," he added, "we know, are rational animals; but would they be less so if they spoke less?" Jamie Boswell contended that cookery was the criterion of reason; for that no animal but man did cook. "That," observed Burke, "explains to me a proverb, which I never before could understand--_There is reason in the roasting of eggs_."

A GENERAL COMPLAINT.

THE lieutenant colonel of one of the Irish regiments in the French service being dispatched from Fort Keil by the Duke of Berwick to the King of France, with a complaint of some irregularities that had occurred in that regiment, his majesty observed passionately, that the Irish troops gave him more trouble than all his forces besides. "Sir," said the officer, "all your majesty's enemies make the same complaint."

COOLNESS IN ACTION.

IN the action off Camperdown, Admiral de Winter asked one of his lieutenants for a quid of tobacco. In the act of presenting it, the lieutenant was carried off by a cannon-ball. "I must be obliged to _you_ then," said the admiral, turning to another officer, "for you see our friend is gone away with his tobacco box."

A CAUTION.

A TRAVELER coming into an inn in a very cold night, stood rather too close before the kitchen fire. A rogue in the chimney corner told him, "Sir, you'll burn your spurs." "My boots, you mean," said the gentleman. "No, Sir," replied the other, "they are burnt already."

IMPROVEMENT.

A FRENCH marquis boasted of the inventive genius of his nation, especially in matters of dress and fashion; "For instance," said he, "the ruffle, that fine ornament of the hand, which has been followed by all other nations." "True," answered the Englishman, "but we generally improve on your inventions; for example, _in adding the shirt to the ruffle_."

AN AMENDMENT.

AT the time of the jubilee, 1809, a meeting was held of the felons in Newgate to pray his majesty for their pardon and liberation on the auspicious occasion. One of them observed, that it would be better, for them and their successors, to petition that all felonies be tried in the _Court of Chancery_.

THE LEARNED DOG.

FRANK SIMS, the theatrical registrar, had a dog named Bob, and a sagacious dog he was; but he was a pusillanimous dog, in a word, an arrant coward, and above all things he dreaded the fire of a gun. His master having taken him once to the enclosed part of Hyde Park next to Kensington Gardens, when the guards were exercising, their first fire so alarmed Bob that he scampered off, and never after could be prevailed on to enter that ground. One day he followed his master cordially till he arrived at its entrance, where a board is placed, with this inscription: "Do shoot all dogs _who_ shall be found within this inclosure;" when immediately he turned tail, and went off as fast as his legs could carry him. A French gentleman, surprised at the animal's rapid retreat, politely asked Mr. Sims what could be the cause. "Don't you see," said Sims, "what is written on the board?" to the utter astonishment of the Frenchman, who had never before seen a dog that could read.

CAUSE OF BULLS.

SIR RICHARD STEELE, being asked why his countrymen were so addicted to making bulls, said, he believed there must be something in the air of Ireland, adding, "I dare say, _if an Englishman were born there_ he would do the same."

MOT-MALIN.

A NOTED miser boasted that he had lost five shillings without uttering a single complaint. "I am not at all surprised at that," said a wit, "_extreme sorrow is mute_."

AS THE FOOL THINKS THE BELL CLINKS.

A WIDOW, desirous of marrying her servant John, consulted the curate on the subject.

"I am not yet beyond the age of marriage."

"Marry then."

"But people will say that my intended is too young for me."

"Don't marry."

"He would assist me in managing the business."

"Marry then."

"But I am afraid he would soon despise me."

"Don't marry."

"But on the other hand a poor widow is despised who has no protector."

"Marry then."

"I am sadly afraid, however, that he would take up with the wenches."

"Then don't marry."

Uncertain from these contradictory responses, the dame consulted the bells when ringing, and which seemed to repeat, "Marry your man John." She took this oracular advice, married, and soon repented. She again applied to the curate, who told her, "You have not observed well what the bells said; listen again." She did so, when they distinctly repeated, "Don't marry John."

A DOUBLE ENTENDRE.

A GENTLEMAN inspecting lodgings to be let, asked the pretty girl who showed them, "And are you, my dear, to be let with the lodgings?" "No," answered she, "I am to be let--_alone_."

REASON ON BOTH SIDES.

CHARLES II. asked Bishop Stillingfleet how it happened that he preached in general without book, but always read the sermons which he delivered before the court. The bishop answered, that the awe of seeing before him so great and wise a prince made him afraid to trust himself. "But will your majesty," continued he, "permit me to ask you a question in my turn? Why do you read your speeches to parliament?" "Why doctor," replied the king, "I'll tell you very candidly. I have asked them so often for money, that I am ashamed to look them in the face."

SELF TAUGHT GENIUS.

IN a company of artists, the conversation turned on the subject, whether self-taught men could arrive at the perfection of genius combined with instruction. A German musician maintained the affirmative, and gave himself as an example. "I have," said he, "made a fiddle, which turns out as good as any Cremona I ever drew a bow over, all _out of my own head_; aye, and I have got _wood enough left to make another_."

AN ARTFUL REQUEST.

A GENTLEMAN traveling from Paris to Calais, was accosted by a man walking along, who begged the favor of him to let him put his great coat in his carriage. "With all my heart," said the gentleman, "but if we should be going different ways, how will you get your great coat?" "Sir," answered the other, with apparent _naïvetè_, "I shall be in it."

A FELONY.

A YOUNG gentleman, a clerk in the Treasury, used every morning, as he came from his lady mother's to the office, to pass by the canal in the Green Park, and feed the ducks then kept there, with bread and corn, which he carried in his pocket for the purpose. One day, having called his grateful friends, the _ducky, ducky, duckies_, he found unfortunately that he had forgotten them. "Poor duckies!" he cried, "I am sorry I have not brought your allowance, _but here is sixpence for you to buy some_," and threw in a sixpence, which one of them caught and gobbled up. At the office he very wisely told the story to the other gentlemen there, with whom he was to dine next day. One of the party putting the landlord up to the story, desired him to have ducks at the table, and put a sixpence in the body of one of them, which was taken care to be placed before our hero. On cutting it up, and discovering the sixpence in its belly, he ordered the waiter to send up his master, whom he loaded with the epithets of rascal and scoundrel, swearing that he would have him prosecuted for robbing the king of his ducks; "For," said he, "gentlemen, I assure you, on my honor, that yesterday morning, _I gave this sixpence to one of the ducks in the Green Park_."'

CONVINCING EVIDENCE.

A CERTAIN clergyman having been examined as a witness in the King's Bench, the adverse counsel, by way of brow-beating, said, "If I be not mistaken, you are known as the _bruising parson_." "I am," said the divine, "and if you doubt it I will give it you _under my hand_."

TOO BAD.

A MAN who was sentenced to be hung was visited by his wife, who said: "My dear, would you like the children to see you executed?" "No," replied he. "That's just like you," said she, "for you never wanted the children to have any enjoyment."

PARLIAMENTARY BULL.

IN the Irish Bank-bill, passed in June 1808, there is a clause, providing, that the profits shall be _equally_ divided; and the _residue go to the Governor_.

ANOTHER.

IN a bill for pulling down the old Newgate in Dublin, and rebuilding it on the same spot, it was enacted, that the prisoners should remain in the _old jail_ till the new one was completed.

CLASSICAL BULL. MILTON.

THE deeds themselves, though _mute_, _spoke loud_ the doer.

ANOTHER. SHAKSPEARE.

I WILL strive with things impossible, Yea, _get the better of them_.

ANOTHER. DR. JOHNSON.

TURN from the glittering bribe your scornful eye, Nor sell for gold _what gold can never buy_.

CLASSICAL BULL. DR. JOHNSON.

EVERY monumental inscription should be in Latin; for that being a _dead_ language, it will always _live_.

ANOTHER. _Ibid._

NOR yet perceived the vital spirit fled, But still fought on, _nor knew that he was dead_.

ANOTHER. _Ibid._

SHAKSPEARE has not only _shown_ human nature as it is, but as it would be found _in situations to which it cannot be exposed_.

ANOTHER. _Ibid._

THESE observations were made _by favor of a contrary wind_.

ANOTHER. DRYDEN.

A HORRID _silence_ first _invades the ear_.

ANOTHER. POPE.

WHEN first young Maro, in his noble mind, A work _t'outlast immortal Rome designed_.

DEPRAVITY OF THE AGE.

AN itinerant clergyman preaching on this subject, said that little children, _who could neither speak nor walk_, were to be seen _running about the street, cursing and swearing_.

THE SIGNAL.

A MONK having intruded into the chamber of a nobleman, who was at the point of death, and had lost his speech, continued crying out, "My lord, will you make the grant of such and such a thing to our monastery? It will be for the good of your soul." The peer, at each question, nodded his head. The monk, on this, turned round to the son and heir, who was in the room: "You see, sir, my lord, your father, gives his assent to my request." To this, the son made no reply; but turning to his father, asked him, "Is it your will, sir, that I kick this monk down stairs?" The nod of assent was given, and the permission put in force with hearty good will.

A LONG BOW.

A DEALER in the marvellous was a constant frequenter of a house in Lambeth-walk, where he never failed to entertain the company with his miraculous tales. A bet was laid, that he would be surpassed by a certain actor, who, telling the following story, the palm was not only given to him by the company, but the story teller, ashamed, deserted the house:

"Gentlemen," said the actor, "when I was a lad, at sea, as we lay in the Bay of Messina, in a moonlight night, and perfectly calm, I heard a little splashing, and looking over the ship's bow, I saw, as I thought, a man's head, and to my utter surprise, there arose out of the water a man, extremely well-dressed, with his hair highly powdered, white silk stockings, and diamond buckles, his garment being embroidered with the most brilliant scales. He walked up the cable with the ease and elegance of a Richer. Stepping on deck, he addressed me in English, thus: 'Pray, young man, is the captain on board?' I, with my hair standing on end, answered, 'Yes, sir.' At this moment, the captain, overhearing our conversation, came on deck, and received the visitor very courteously, and without any apparent surprise. Asking his commands, the stranger said, 'I am one of the submarine inhabitants of this neighborhood. I had, this evening, taken my family to a ball, but on returning to my house, I found the fluke of your anchor jammed so close up to my street door, that we could not get in. I am come therefore, to entreat you, sir, to weigh anchor, so that we may get in, as my wife and daughters are waiting in their carriage, in the street.' The captain readily granted the request of his aquatic visitor, who took his leave with much urbanity, and the captain returned to bed."

GOOD HUMOR RESTORED.

ONE evening, at the Haymarket theatre, the farce of the _Lying Valet_ was to be performed, _Sharp_, by Mr. Shuter; but that comedian being absent, an apology was made, and it was announced that the part would be undertaken by Mr. Weston, whose transcendent comic powers were not then sufficiently appreciated. Coming on with Mrs. Gardner, in the part of _Kitty Pry_, there was a tumultuous call of "Shuter! Shuter!" but Tom put them all in good temper, by asking, with irresistibly quaint humor, "Why should I _shoot her_? She plays her part very well."

THE REVERSE.

THE Abbé Tegnier, secretary to the French academy, one day made a collection of a pistole a head from the members, for some general expense. Not observing that the President Rose, who was very penurious, had put his money in the hat, he presented it to him a second time. M. Rose assured him that he had put in his pistole. "I believe it," said the Abbé, "though I did not see it." "And I," said Fontenelle, "saw it, and could not believe it."

STERLING COMPOSITION.

AT a party of noblemen of wit and genius, it was proposed to try their skill in composition, each writing a sentence on whatsoever subject he thought proper, and the decision was left to Dryden, who formed one of the company. The poet having read them all, said, "There are here abundance of fine things, and such as do honor to the noble writers, but I am under the indispensable necessity of giving the palm to my lord Dorset; and when I have read it, I am convinced your lordships will all be satisfied with my judgment--these are the inimitable words:

"'I promise to pay to John Dryden, on order, the sum of five hundred pounds.

DORSET.'"

A CARD PUN.

A BUTCHER'S boy, running against a gentleman with his tray, made him exclaim, "The _deuce_ take the _tray_!" "Sir," said the lad, "the _deuce can't take the tray_."

A WHIMSICAL IDEA.

THE late Sir Thomas Robinson was a tall, uncouth figure, and his appearance was still more grotesque, from his hunting-dress: a postilion's cap, a tight green jacket, and buckskin breeches. Being at Paris, and going in this habit to visit his sister, who was married, and settled there, he arrived when there was a large company at dinner. The servant announced M. Robinson, and he entered, to the great amazement of the guests. Among others, an Abbé thrice lifted his fork to his mouth, and thrice laid it down, with an eager stare of surprise. Unable longer to restrain his curiosity, he burst out with, "Excuse me, Sir, are you the _Robinson Crusoe_ so famous in history?"

AN IRISH SOLDIER'S QUARTERS.

TWO Irish soldiers being stationed in a borough in the west of England, got into a conversation respecting their quarters. "How," said the one, "are you quartered?" "Pretty well." "What part of the house do you sleep in?" "Upstairs." "In the garret, perhaps?" "The garret! no, Dennis O'Brien would never sleep in the garret." "Where then?" "Why, I know not what you call it; but if the house were turned topsy turvy, I should be in the cellar."

THAT'S SO.

A DISTINGUISHED wag about town says, the head coverings the ladies wear now-a-days, are barefaced false hoods. The perpetrator of this is still at large.

A MARSHAL HUMBLED.

A FRENCH Field Marshal who had attained that rank by court favour, not by valour, received from a lady the present of a drum, with this inscription--"_made to be beaten_."

The same _hero_, going one evening to the Opera, forcibly took possession of the box of a respectable Abbé, who for this outrage brought a suit in a court of honour, established for such cases under the old government. The Abbé thus addressed the court: "I come not here to complain of Admiral Suffrein, who took so many ships in the East Indies. I come not to complain of Count de Grasse, who fought so nobly in the West; I come not to complain of the Duke de Crebillon, who took Minorca; but I come to complain of the Marshal B----, who _took my box_ at the Opera, and _never took any thing else_." The court paid him the high compliment of refusing his suit, declaring that he had himself inflicted sufficient punishment.

A COURTLY COMPLIMENT.

A FRENCH officer, just arrived, and introduced to the Court at Vienna, the Empress told him she heard he had in his travels visited a lady renowned for her beauty; and asked if it was true that she was the most handsome princess of her time. The courtier answered, "_I thought so yesterday._"

A CONGRATULATION.

AT a circuit dinner, a counsellor observed to another, "I shall certainly hang your client." His friend answered, "I give you joy of your new office."

ALGERINE WIT.

A FRENCHMAN, taken into slavery by an Algerine, was asked what he could do. His answer was, that he had been used to a _sedentary_ employment. "Well, then," said the pirate, "you shall have a pair of feather breeches, to sit and hatch chickens."

A ROYAL DECISION.

THE Princess of Prussia, having ordered some silks from Lyons, they were stopped for duties by an excise officer, whom she ordered to attend her with the silks, and receive his demand. On his entrance into her apartment, the princess flew at the officer, and seizing the merchandise, gave him two or three hearty cuffs on the face. The mortified exciseman complained to the king in a memorial, to which his majesty returned the following answer:

"The loss of the duties belonging to my account, the silks are to remain in the possession of the princess, and the cuffs with the receiver. As to the alleged dishonor, I cancel the same, at the request of the complainant; but it is, of itself, null; for the white hand of a fair lady cannot possibly dishonor the face of an exciseman.

FREDERICK."

_Berlin, Nov. 30th, 1778._

FELLOW FEELING.

A LADY'S favorite dog having bitten a piece out of a male visitor's leg, she exclaimed, "Poor dear little creature! _I hope it will not make him sick._"

UNREASONABLE FASTING.

TWO gentlemen, wishing to go into a tavern on one of the national fast-days, found the door shut; and on their knocking, the waiter told them from within, that his master would allow no one to enter during service on the fast-day. "Your master," said one of them, "might be contented _to fast himself_, without making his _doors fast too_."

A WHIMSICAL IDEA.

A NOBLE lord asked a clergyman at the foot of his table, why, if there was a goose at dinner, it was always placed next the parson. "Really," said he, "I can give no reason for it; but your question is so odd, that I shall never after see a _goose_ without thinking of your lordship."

THE BREECHES-MAKER CAPTAIN.