Chapter 4

Then I feel myself abymed at despair, and begin to suspect that he amused himself. But, still I tell myself, "Well, never mind; we shall see." And then after sometimes, there come another house, all alone in a forest, not ornated at all. "What, how you call that?" I demand of him--"Oh!" he responded again, "that is a shooting-_box_ of Lord Killfot's." "Oh!" I cry at last out," that is little too strong;" but he hoisted his shoulders and say nothing. Well, we come at a house of country, ancient with the trees cut like some peacocks, and I demand--"What you call these trees?" "_Box_, Sir," he tell me. "Devil is in the _box_," I say at myself. "But, never mind; we shall see." So I myself refreshed with a pinch of snuff and offer him, and he take very polite, and remark upon an instant--"That is a very handsome _box_ of yours, Sir."

"Morbleu!" I exclaimed with inadvertencyness, but I stop myself. Then he pull out his snuff-_box_, and I take a pinch, because I like at home to be sociable when I am out at voyages, and not show some pride with inferior. It was of wood beautiful with turnings, and colour of yellowish. So I was pleased to admire very much, and inquire the name of the wood, and again he say--"_Box_, Sir."--Well, I hold myself with patience, but it was difficilly; and we keep with great gallop, till we come at a great crowd of the people. Then I say, "What for all so large concourse?" "Oh!" he response again, "there is one grand _boxing_ match--a battle here to-day." "Peste!" I tell myself, "a battle of _boxes_! Well, never mind! I hope it can be a combat at the outrance, and they all shall destroy one another, for I am fatigued."

Well--we arrive at an hotel, very superb, all as it ought, and I demand a morsel to refresh myself. I go into a saloon, but, before I finish, great noise come into the passage, and I pull the bell's rope to demand why so great tapage? The waiter tell me, and he laugh at same time, but very civil no less--"Oh, Sir, it is only two of the women what quarrel, and one has given another a _box_ on the ear."

Well--I go back on the coach-box, but I look, as I pass, at all the women ear, for the _box_; but not none I see. "Well," I tell myself once more, "never mind, we shall see;" and we drive on very passable and agreeable times till we approached ourselves near London: but then come one another coach of the opposition to pass by, and the coachman say--"No, my boy, it shan't do!" and then he whip his horses, and made some traverse upon the road, and tell to me, all the times, a long explication what the other coachman have done otherwhiles, and finish not till we stop, and the coach of opposition come behind him in one narrow place. Well--then he twist himself round, and, with full voice, cry himself out at the another man, who was so angry as himself--"I'll tell you what, my hearty! If you comes some more of your gammon at me, I shan't stand, and you shall yourself find in the wrong _box_." It was not for many weeks after as I find out the wrong _box_ meaning.

Well--we get at London, at the coaches office, and I unlightened from my seat, and go at the bureau for pay my passage, and gentleman very polite demanded if I had some friend at London. I converse with him very little time in voyaging, because he was in the interior; but I perceive he is real gentleman. So, I say--"No, Sir, I am stranger." Then he very honestly recommend me at an hotel, very proper, and tell me--"Sir, because I have some affairs in the Banque, I must sleep in the City this night; but to-morrow I shall come at the hotel, where you shall find some good attentions if you make the use of my name." "Very well," I tell myself, "this is best." So we exchange the cards, and I have hackney coach to come at my hotel, where they say--"No room, Sir--very sorry--no room." But I demand to stop the moment, and produce the card what I could not read before, in the movements of the coach with the darkness. The master of the hotel take it from my hand, and become very polite of the instant, and whisper to the ear of some waiters, and these come at me, and say--"Oh yes, Sir, I know Mr. _Box_ very well. Worthy gentleman, Mr. Box. Very proud to incommode any friend of Mr. Box. Pray inlight yourself, and walk in my house." So I go in, and find myself very proper, and soon come so as if I was in my own particular chamber; and Mr. Box come next day, and I find very soon that he was the _right_ Box, and not the _wrong_ box. Ha, ha! You shall excuse my badinage--eh? But never mind--I am going at Leicestershire to see the foxes hunting, and perhaps will get upon a coach-box in the spring, and go at Edinburgh; but I have fear I cannot come at your "Noctes," because I have not learn yet to eat so great supper. I always read what they speak there twice over, except what Mons. Le "Shepherd" say, what I read three time; but never could comprehend exactly what he say, though I discern some time the grand idea, what walk in darkness almost "visible," as your divine Milton say. I am particular fond of the poetry. I read three books of the "Paradise Lost" to Mr. Box, but he not hear me no more--he pronounce me perfect.

After one such compliment, it would be almost the same as ask you for another, if I shall make apology in case I have not find the correct idiotism of your language in this letter; so I shall not make none at all--only throw myself at your mercy, like a great critic.

I have the honour of subscribe myself,

Your much obedient servant,

LOUIS LE CHEMINANT.

P. S. Ha! ha! It is very droll! I tell my valet, we go at Leicestershire for the hunting fox. Very well. So soon as I finish this letter, he come and demand what I shall leave behind in orders for some presents, to give what people will come at my lodgments for Christmas _Boxes_.--_Blackwood's Magazine._

ABSURDITIES.

TO attempt to borrow money on the plea of extreme poverty.--To lose money at play, and then fly into a passion about it.--To ask the publisher of a new periodical how many copies he sells per week.--To ask a wine merchant how old his wine is.--To make yourself generally disagreeable, and wonder that nobody will visit you, unless they gain some palpable advantage by it.--To get drunk, and complain the next morning of a headache.--To spend your earnings on liquor, and wonder that you are ragged.--To sit shivering in the cold because you won't have a fire till November.--To suppose that reviewers generally read more than the title-page of the works they praise or condemn.--To judge of people's piety by their attendance at church.--To keep your clerks on miserable salaries, and wonder at their robbing you.--Not to go to bed when you are tired and sleepy, because "it is not bed time."--To make your servants tell lies for you, and afterwards be angry because they tell lies for themselves.--To tell your own secrets, and believe other people will keep them.--To render a man a service voluntarily, and expect him to be grateful for it.--To expect to make people honest by hardening them in a jail, and afterwards sending them adrift without the means of getting work.--To fancy a thing is cheap because a low price is asked for it.--To say that a man is charitable because he subscribes to an hospital.--To keep a dog or a cat on short allowance, and complain of its being a thief.--To degrade human nature in the hope of improving it.--To praise the beauty of a woman's hair before you know whether it did not once belong to somebody else.--To expect that your tradespeople will give you long credit if they generally see you in shabby clothes.--To arrive at the age of fifty, and be surprised at any vice, folly, or absurdity your fellow creatures may be guilty of.

GOOD REASON.

AN Irishman being asked why he wore his stockings wrong side out, replied, "Because there's a hole on the ither side ov 'em."

PUTTING DOWN A LADY.

AT a religious meeting, a lady persevered in standing on a bench, and thus intercepting the view of others, though repeatedly requested to sit down. A reverend old gentleman at last rose, and said, gravely, "I think, if the lady knew that she had a large hole in each of her stockings, she would not exhibit them in this way." This had the desired effect--she immediately sunk down on her seat. A young minister standing by, blushed to the temples, and said, "O brother, how could you say what was not the fact?" "Not the fact!" replied the old gentleman; "if she had not a large hole in each of her stockings, I should like to know how she gets them on."

WOMAN'S RIGHTS.

MISS Lucy Stone, of Boston, a "woman's rights" woman, having put the question, "Marriage--what is it?" an Irish echo in the _Boston Post_ inquires, "Wouldn't you like to know?"

A COMPROMISE.

A BOY was caught in the act of stealing dried berries in front of a store, the other day, and was locked up in a dark closet by the grocer. The boy commenced begging most pathetically to be released, and after using all the persuasion that his young imagination could invent, proposed, "Now, if you'll let me out, and send for my daddy, he'll pay you for them, and _lick me besides_." This appeal was too much for the grocer to stand out against.

ELECTION MORALS.

AN elector of a country town, who was warmly pressed during the recent contest to give his vote to a certain candidate, replied that it was impossible, since he had already promised to vote for the other. "Oh," said the candidate, "in election matters, promises, you know, go for nothing." "If that is the case," rejoined the elector, "I promise you my vote at once."--_Galignani's Messenger._

A QUANDARY.

THE _New Orleans Picayune_ defines a quandary thus:--"A baker with both arms up to the elbows in dough, and a flea in the leg of his trowsers." We have just heard a story which conveys quite as clever an idea of the thing as the _Picayune's_ definition. An old gentleman, who had studied theological subjects rather too much for the strength of his brains, determined to try his luck in preaching; nothing doubting but that matter and form would be given him, without any particular preparation on his own part. Accordingly on Sunday he ascended the pulpit, sung and prayed, read his text, and stopped. He stood a good while, first on one leg, and then on the other, casting his eyes up towards the rafters, and then on the floor, in a merciless quandary. At length language came to his relief:--"If any of you down there think you can preach, just come up here and try it!"--_North Carolina Patriot._

ELEGANT EXTRACT.

A PERFUMER should make a good editor, because he is accustomed to making "elegant extracts."

EVIDENCE OF A JOCKEY.

THE following dialogue was lately heard at an assizes:--

_Counsel_: What was the height of the horse?--_Witness_: Sixteen feet.

_Counsel_: How old was he?--_Witness_: Six years.

_Counsel_: How high did you say he was?--_Witness_: Sixteen hands.

_Counsel_: You said, just now, sixteen feet.--_Witness_: Sixteen _feet_! Did I say sixteen _feet_?

_Counsel_: You did.--_Witness_: _If I did say sixteen feet, it was sixteen feet!_--you don't catch me crossing myself!

THE CAPE COD YANKEE.

A YANKEE visiting Boston, introduced himself, as follows:

"My name is Ichabod Eli Erastus Pickrel; I used to keep a grocery store deown Cape Cod. Patience Doolittle, she kept a notion store, right over opposite. One day, Patience come into my store arter a pitcher of lasses, for home consumption, (ye see, I'd had a kind of a sneaking notion arter Patience, for some time,) so, ses I, 'Patience, heow would you like to be made Mrs. Pickrel?' Upon that, she kerflounced herself rite deown on a bag of salt, in a sort of kniption fitt. I seased the pitcher, forgetting what was in it, and soused the molasses all over her, and there she sat, looking like Mount Vesuvius, with the lava running deown its sides; ye see, she was kivered with love, transport, and molasses. She was a master large gal, of her bigness, she weighed three hundred averdupoise, and _a breakfast over_. She could throw eanermost any feller in our neighborhood, at _Indian hugs_. Arter awhile, she kum tu, and I imprinted a kiss right on her bussers, that is, as near as I could for the molasses, and twan't more than a spell and a half, before _we caught a couple of little Pickrels_. The whooping cough collered one of them, and _snaked him rite eout of town_. The other one had a fight with the measles, and got licked. Mrs. Pickrel took to having the typhus fever for a living, and twan't more than a half a spell, before she busted up, and left me a disconsolate wider-er-er. If you know of any putty gals that is in the market, just tell them that I'm thar myself."

JOSEPH AND POTIPHAR'S WIFE.

A DUTCH boy, being asked why Joseph would not sleep with Potiphar's wife, replied, after considerable hesitation, "_I schpose he vash not schleepy_."

SHE DIDN'T TAKE ANY.

A LITTLE girl, after returning from church, where she saw a collection taken up for the first time, related what took place, and, among other things, she said, with all her childish innocence, "That a man passed round a plate that had some money on it, _but she didn't take any_."

DEFINITIONS.

A LADY walking with her husband on the beach, inquired of him, the difference between exportation and transportation. "Why, my dear," replied he, "if you were on board yonder vessel, you would be _exported_, and I should be _transported_."

CHANCERY.

EVERY animal has its enemies; the land tortoise has two enemies--man and the boa constrictor. Man takes him home and roasts him; and the boa constrictor swallows him whole, shell and all, and consumes him slowly in the interior, _as the Court of Chancery does a great estate_.--_Sydney Smith._

SMART UNS.

FIRST class in astronomy, stand up. "Where does the sun rise?" "Please, sir, down in our meadow; I seed it yesterday!" "Hold your tongue, you dunce; where does the sun rise?" "I know--in the east!" "Right, and why does it rise in the east?" "Because the _'east_ makes _everything_ rise." "Out, you booby!"

MRS. PARTINGTON.

MRS. PARTINGTON lately remarked to a legal friend: "If I owes a man a debt, and makes him the lawless tenant of a blank bill, and he infuses to incept it, but swears out an execration and levels it upon my body, if I wouldn't make a pollywog of him drown me in the Nuxwine sea."

TO THOSE ABOUT TO GO TO LAW.

TO him that goes to law, nine things are requisite:--1st, a good deal of money; 2nd, a good deal of patience; 3rd, a good cause; 4th, a good attorney; 5th, a good counsel; 6th, good evidence; 7th, a good jury; 8th, a good judge; 9th, good luck. Even with all these, a wise man should hesitate before going to law.

ERROR CORRECTED.

THE Rev. Sydney Smith, preaching a charity sermon, frequently repeated the assertion that, of all nations, Englishmen were the most distinguished for generosity and the love of their species. The collection happened to be inferior to his expectations, and he said that he had evidently made a great mistake, for that his expression should have been, that they were distinguished for the love of their _specie_.

A QUERY.

WHICH travels at the greater speed, heat or cold? Heat: because you can easily catch cold.

BACKGAMMON.

TOM BROWN says, "A woman may learn one useful doctrine from the game of backgammon, which is, not to take up her man till she's sure of him."

TALLEYRAND AGAIN.

MONSIEUR de Semonville, one of the ablest tacticians of his time, was remarkable for the talent with which, amidst the crush of revolutions, he always managed to maintain his post and take care of his personal interests. He knew exactly where to address himself for support, and the right time of availing himself of it. When Talleyrand, one of his most intimate friends, heard of his death, he reflected for a few minutes, and then drily observed, "I can't for the life of me make out what interest Semonville had to serve by dying just now."

AN EVENING PARTY.

A FRIEND of mine, in Portland place, has a wife who inflicts upon him, every season, two or three immense evening parties. At one of those parties, he was standing in a very forlorn condition, leaning against the chimney-piece, when a gentleman coming up to him, said, "Sir, as neither of us is acquainted with any of the people here, I think we had best go home."

SAM SLICK HOOKING LUCY'S GOWN.

"WELL, just as I was ready to start away, down comes Lucy to the keepin' room, with both arms behind her head, a fixin' of the hooks and eyes. 'Man alive,' says she, 'are you here yet? I thought you was off gunnin' an hour ago; who'd a thought you was here?' 'Gunnin'?' says I, 'Lucy, my gunnin' is over, I shan't go no more, now, I shall go home; I agree with you; shiverin' alone under a wet bush, for hours, is no fun; but if Lucy was there'--'Get out,' says she, 'don't talk nonsense, Sam, and just fasten the other hook and eye of my frock, will you?' She turned round her back to me. Well, I took the hook in one hand, and the eye in the other; but arth and seas! my eyes fairly snapped again; I never see such a neck since I was raised. It sprung right out o' the breast and shoulder, full round, and then tapered up to the head like a swan's, and the complexion would beat the most delicate white and red rose that ever was seen. Lick, it made me all eyes! I jist stood stock still, I couldn't move a finger, if I was to die for it. 'What ails you, Sam,' says she, 'that you don't hook it?' 'Why,' says I, 'Lucy, dear, my fingers is all thumbs, that's a fact, I can't handle such little things as fast as you can.' 'Well, come,' says she, 'make haste, that's a dear, mother will be comin' directly;' and at last I shut to both my eyes, and fastened it; and when I had done, says I, 'There is one thing I must say, Lucy.' 'What's that?' says she. 'That you may stump all Connecticut to show such an angeliferous neck as you have. I never saw the beat of it in all my born days--it's the most----' 'And you may stump the State, too,' says she, 'to produce such another bold, forrard, impedent, onmannerly tongue, as you have--so there now--so get along with you.'"--_Sam Slick._

A GREAT CALF.

SIR William B., being at a parish meeting, made some proposals which were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," says he to the farmer, "do you know that I have been at two universities, and at two colleges at each university?" "Well, sir," said the farmer, "what of that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I made was, the more he sucked, the greater calf he grew."--_Flowers of Anecdote._

TAXATION.

THERE is one passage in the Scriptures, to which all the potentates of Europe seem to have given their unanimous assent and approbation, and to have studied so thoroughly, as to have it at their fingers' ends:--"There went out a decree in the days of Augustus Cæsar, that all the world should be taxed."--_C. C. Colton._

AN ITINERANT MARTYR.

"JIM," said one fast man, yesterday to another, "it is reported that you left the East, on account of your belief, an itinerant martyr." "How," replied Jim, flattered by the remark, "how's that?" "Why, a police officer told me that you believed everything you saw belonged to you, and as the public didn't, you left."

SEE--SAW.

"NOGGS, Jr," speaking of a blind wood sawyer, says: "While none ever _saw_ him _see_, thousands have _seen_ him _saw_."

FELLOW-FEELING.

A COUNTRYMAN was dragging a calf by a rope in a cruel manner. An Irishman asked him if that was the way "he threated a fellow creathur?"

MISAPPLICATION OF WORDS BY FOREIGNERS.

THE misapplication of English words by foreigners is often very ludicrous. A German friend saluted us once with, "Oh, good bye, good bye!"--meaning, of course, "How d'ye do?" It is said that Dr. Chalmers once entertained a distinguished guest from Switzerland, whom he asked if he would be helped to kippered salmon. The foreign divine asked the meaning of the uncouth word "kippered," and was told that it meant "preserved." The poor man, in a public prayer, soon after, offered a petition that the distinguished divine might long be "kippered to the Free Church of Scotland."

WHAT IS A SPOON?

A "SPOON" is a thing that is often near a lady's lips without kissing them. This is like the definition of a "muff," viz., a thing which holds a lady's hand without squeezing it.

A CERTIFICATE OF MARRIAGE.

"YOU say, Mrs. Smith, that you have lived with the defendant for eight years. Does the Court understand from that, that you are married to him?" "In course it does." "Have you a marriage certificate?" "Yes, your honor, three on 'em--two gals and a boy." Verdict for the plaintiff.

UNFAIR ADVANTAGE.

ONE of the best things lately said upon age--a very ticklish subject by the way--was the observation of Mr. James Smith to Mr. Thomas Hill. "Hill," said the former gentleman, "you take an unfair advantage of an accident: the register of your birth was burnt in the great fire of London, and you avail yourself of the circumstance to give out that you are younger than you are."

TWO-FOLD ILLUSTRATION.

SIR Fletcher Norton was noted for his want of courtesy. When pleading before Lord Mansfield, on some question of manorial right, he chanced unfortunately to say, "My Lord, I can illustrate the point in an instant in my own person: I myself have two little manors." The judge immediately interposed, with one of his blandest smiles, "We all know it, Sir Fletcher."

A YANKEE STORY.

AN Englishman was bragging of the speed on English railroads to a Yankee traveler seated at his side in one of the cars of a "fast train," in England. The engine bell was rung as the train neared a station. It suggested to the Yankee an opportunity of "taking down his companion a peg or two." "What's that noise?" innocently inquired the Yankee. "We are approaching a town," said the Englishman; "they have to commence ringing about ten miles before they get to a station, or else the train would run by it before the bell could be heard! Wonderful, isn't it? I suppose they haven't invented bells in America yet?" "Why, yes," replied the Yankee, "we've got bells, but can't use them on our railroads. We run so 'tarnal fast that the train always keeps ahead of the sound. No use whatever; the sound never reaches the village till after the train gets by." "Indeed!" exclaimed the Englishman. "Fact," said the Yankee; "had to give up bells. Then we tried steam whistles--but they wouldn't answer either. I was on a locomotive when the whistle was tried. We were going at a tremendous rate--hurricanes were nowhere, and I had to hold my hair on. We saw a two-horse wagon crossing the track about five miles ahead, and the engineer let the whistle on, screeching like a trooper. It screamed awfully, but it wasn't no use. The next thing I knew, I was picking myself out of a pond by the roadside, amid the fragments of the locomotive, dead horses, broken wagon, and dead engineer lying beside me. Just then the whistle came along, mixed up with some frightful oaths that I had heard the engineer use when he first saw the horses. Poor fellow! he was dead before his voice got to him. After that we tried lights, supposing these would travel faster than the sound. We got some so powerful that the chickens woke up all along the road when we came by, supposing it to be morning. But the locomotive kept ahead of it still, and was in the darkness, with the lights close on behind it. The inhabitants petitioned against it; they couldn't sleep with so much light in the night time. Finally, we had to station electric telegraphs along the road, with signal men to telegraph when the train was in sight; and I have heard that some of the fast trains beat the lightning fifteen minutes every forty miles. But I can't say as that is true; the rest I know to be so."--_New York Tribune._

ANCIENT DESCENT.