Chapter 19

A GENTLEMAN who was severely cross-examined by Mr. Dunning, was repeatedly asked if he did not lodge in the verge of the court; at length he answered that he did. "And pray, Sir," said the counsel, "for what reason did you take up your residence in that place?" "To avoid the rascally impertinence of _dunning_," answered the witness.

WORKING A PASSAGE.

A PADDY applied to work his passage on a canal, and was employed to lead the horses which drew the boat--on arriving at the place of destination, he swore, "that he would sooner go on foot, than work his passage in America."

TIMOTHY DEXTER.

ACCORDING to his own account, was born in Malden, Massachusetts. "I was born," says he, (in his celebrated work, A Pikel for the Knowing Ones,) "1747, Jan. 22; on this day in the morning, a great snow storm in the signs of the seventh house; whilst Mars came forward, Jupiter stood by to hold the candle. I was born to be a great man."

Lord Dexter, after having served an apprenticeship to a leather dresser, commenced business in Newburyport, where he married a widow, who owned a house and a small piece of land; part of which, soon after the nuptials, was converted into a shop and tan-yard.

By application to his business, his property increased, and the purchase of a large tract of land near Penobscot, together with an interest which he bought in the Ohio Company's purchase, afforded him so much profit, as to induce him to buy up Public Securities at forty cents on the pound, which securities soon afterwards became worth twenty shillings on the pound.

His lordship at one time shipped a large quantity of _warming pans_ to the _West Indies_, where they were sold at a great advance on prime cost, and used for molasses ladles. At another time, he purchased a large quantity of _whalebone for ships' stays_,--the article rose in value upon his hands, and he sold it to great advantage.

Property now was no longer the object of his pursuit: but popularity became the god of his idolatry. He was charitable to the poor, gave large donations to religious societies, and rewarded those who wrote in his praise.

His lordship about this time acquired his peculiar taste for style and splendor; and to enhance his own importance in the world, set up an elegant equipage, and at great cost, adorned the front of his house with numerous figures of illustrious personages.

By his order, a tomb was dug under his summer-house in his garden, during his life, which he mentions in "A Pikel for the Knowing Ones," in the following ludicrous style:

"Here will lie in this box the first lord in Americake, the first Lord Dexter made by the voice of hampsher state my brave fellows Affirmed it they give me the titel and so Let it gone for as much as it will fetch it wonte give me Any breade but take from me the Contrary fourder I have a grand toume in my garding at one of the grasses and the tempel of Reason over the toume and my coffen made and all Ready In my hous panted with white Lead inside and outside tuched with greane and bras trimings Eight handels and a gold Lock: I have had one mock founrel it was so solmon and there was so much Criing about 3000 spectators I say my hous is Eaqal to any mansion house in twelve hundred miles and now for sale for seven hundred pounds weight of Dollars by me

TIMOTHY DEXTER."

Lord Dexter believed in transmigration, sometimes; at others he was a deist. He died on the 22d day of Oct. 1806, in the 60th year of his age.

TELEGRAPH.

A HUSBAND telegraphed to his wife: "What have you got for breakfast, and how is the baby?" The answer came back, "Buckwheat cakes and the measles."

CONUNDRUMS.

WHAT tune is that which ladies never call for? Why, the spit-toon.

When is a lady's neck not a neck? When it is a little bare. (_bear!_)

When is music like vegetables? When there are two _beats_ to the measure.

Why was the elephant the last animal going into Noah's ark? Because he waited for his trunk.

Why is a poor horse greater than Napoleon? Because in him there are _many_ bony parts.

NEAT REPLY.

A LADY wished a seat. A portly, handsome gentleman brought one and seated her. "Oh, you're a jewel," said she. "Oh, no," replied he, "I'm a jeweller--I have just set the jewel." Could there have been anything more gallant than that?

ON THE STUMP.

A SPEAKER at a stump meeting out West, declared that he knew no East, no West, no North, no South.

"Then," said a tipsy bystander, "you ought to go to school and larn your geography."

LITERARY HUSBAND.

"I WISH," said a beautiful wife to her studious husband, "I wish I was a book." "I wish you were--an _almanac_," replied her lord, "and then I would get a new one every year." Just then the silk rustled.

ECONOMY.

"BLAST your stingy old skin!" said a runner to a competitor, before a whole depot full of bystanders: "I knew you when you used to hire your children to go to bed without their suppers, and after they got to sleep you'd go up and steal their pennies to hire 'em with again the next night!"

A TRICK.

THE following story is told of a boy who was asked to take a jug and get some beer for his father, who had spent all his money for strong drink. "Give me the money, then, father," replied the son.

"My son, any body can get the beer with money, but to get it without money, that is a trick."

So the boy took the jug and went out. Shortly he returned, and placing the jug before his father, said, "Drink."

"How can I drink, when there is no beer in the jug?"

"To drink beer out of a jug," says the boy, "where there is beer, anybody could do that; but to drink beer out of a jug where there is no beer, that is a trick!"

QUICK TIME.

A GENTLEMAN was one day arranging music for a young lady to whom he was paying his addresses.

"Pray, Miss D----," said he, "what time do you prefer?"

"Oh," she replied carelessly, "any time will answer, but the quicker the better."

STRONG AFFECTION.

THERE is a man who says he has been at evening parties out West, where the boys and girls hug so hard that their sides cave in. He says he has many of his own ribs broken that very way.

VERY AFFECTING.

A PROFESSIONAL beggar boy, some ten years of age, ignorant of the art of reading, bought a card to put on his breast, and appeared in the public streets as a "poor widow with eight small children."

HARD SHAVE.

"DOES the razor take hold well?" inquired a darkey, who was shaving a gentleman from the country. "Yes," replied the customer, with tears in his eyes, "it takes hold first rate, but it don't let go worth a cent."

COULDN'T TELL HIS FATHER.

CICERO was of low birth, and Metellus was the son of a licentious woman. Metellus said to Cicero, "Dare you tell your father's name?" Cicero replied, "Can your mother tell yours?"

A SAUCY DOCTOR.

"Why, doctor," said a sick lady, "you give me the same medicine that you are giving my husband. Why is that?" "All right," replied the doctor, "what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander."

EXPOSING A PARSON.

A MINISTER was one Sabbath examining a Sunday school in catechism before the congregation. The usual question was put to the first girl, a strapper, who usually assisted her father, who was a publican, in waiting upon customers.

"What is your name?"

No reply.

"What is your name?" he repeated,

"None of your fun, Mr. Minister," said the girl; "you know my name well enough. Don't you say when you come to our house on a night, 'Bet, bring me some more ale?'"

The congregation, forgetting the sacredness of the place, were in a broad grin, and the parson looked daggers.

NATURAL HISTORY.

"PAPA, can't I go to the zoologerical rooms to see the camomile fight the rhy-no-sir-ee-hoss?" "Sartin, my son, but don't get your trowsers torn. Strange, my dear, what a taste that boy has for nat'ral history. No longer ago than yesterday he had a pair of Thomas-cats hanging by their tails to the clothes line."