Chapter 14

"The bread-tree grows abundantly. Its branches are well known to Europe and America under the familiar name of _maccaroni_. The smaller twigs are called _vermicelli_. They have a decided animal flavor, as may be observed in the soups containing them. Maccaroni, being tubular, is the favourite habitat of a very dangerous insect, which is rendered peculiarly ferocious by being boiled. The government of the island, therefore, never allows a stick of it to be exported without being accompanied by a piston with which its cavity may at any time be thoroughly swept out. These are commonly lost or stolen before the maccaroni arrives among us. It therefore always contains many of these insects, which, however, generally die of old age in the shops, so that accidents from this source are comparitavely rare.

"The fruit of the bread-tree consists principally of hot rolls. The buttered-muffin variety is supposed to be a hybrid with the cocoa-nut palm, the cream found on the milk of the cocoa-nut exuding from the hybrid in the shape of butter, just as the ripe fruit is splitting, so as to fit it for the tea-table, where it is commonly served up with cold"--

--There,--I don't want to read any more of it. You see that many of these statements are highly improbable.--No, I shall not mention the paper.--No, neither of them wrote it, though it reminds me of the style of these popular writers. I think the fellow who wrote it must have been reading some of their stories, and got them mixed up with his history and geography. I don't suppose _he_ lies;--he sells it to the editor, who knows how many squares off "Sumatra" is. The editor, who sells it to the public----By the way, the papers have been very civil----haven't they?--to the--the--what d'ye call it?--"Northern Magazine,"--isn't it?--got up by some of those Come-outers, down East, as an organ for their local peculiarities.

SHAKSPEARE QUOTED.

A VILE scraper making a discordant sound with his violin, a friend observed, "If your instrument could speak, it would address you in the words of Hamlet: "_Though you can fret me, you cannot play upon me_."

CAUTION TO GAMESTERS.

A GERMAN baron at a gaming house, being detected in an _odd trick_, one of the players fairly threw him out of the one pair of stairs window. On this outrage he took the advice of Foote, who told him never to play _so high again_.

AT THE BAR.

A CRIMINAL being asked, in the usual form, what he had to say why judgment of death should not be passed against him, answered, "Why, I think there has been quite enough said about it already--if you please we'll drop the subject."

HOCK.

A PEDANTIC fellow called for a bottle of hock at a tavern, which the waiter, not hearing distinctly, asked him to repeat. "A bottle of hock--hic, hæc, hoc," replied the visitor. After sitting, however, a long time, and no wine appearing, he ventured to ring again, and enquire into the cause of delay. "Did I not order some hock, sir? Why is it not brought in?" "Because," answered the waiter, who had been taught Latin grammar, "you afterwards _declined_ it."

DORIC WIT.

A PERSON asking another, while viewing the front of Covent-garden theatre, of what order the pillars at the entrance were, received the answer, "Why, sir, I am not very conversant in the orders of architecture; but from their being at the entrance of the house, I take it for granted, it must be the Dor-ic."

FAMILY LIKENESS.

A YANKEE, speaking of his children, said he had seven sons, none of whom looked alike but Jonathan, and Jonathan did look just alike.

ACTUAL EXPERIMENT.

"LA me! good old neighbor," cried Mrs. Popps, "what are you going to do with that great ugly crow?" "Why, you see, we hear as how they live a hundred years, so husband and I got one to try."

A TREMENDOUS THREAT.

A MAN being convicted of bigamy, at the Wexford assizes, the judge, in pronouncing sentence, thus addressed the prisoner: "Yours is a most atrocious case, and I am sorry that the greatest punishment which the law allows me to inflict, is, that you be transported to parts beyond the seas, for seven years; but if I had my will, you should not escape thus easily; I would sentence you to _reside in the same house with both your wives, for the term of your natural life_."

INQUISITIVE.

A SMART old Yankee lady, being called into court as a witness, grew impatient at the questions put to her, and told the judge she would quit the stand, for he was "raly one of the most inquisitive old gentlemen she ever see."

GRAFTING.

A LADY, being so unfortunate as to have her husband hang himself on an apple tree, the wife of a neighbor immediately came to beg a branch of the tree for grafting. "For who knows," said she, "but it may bear the same kind of fruit?"

IN ORDERS.

A COUNTRY squire introduced his baboon, in clerical habits, to say grace. A clergyman, who was present, immediately left the table, and asked ten thousand pardons for not remembering, that his lordship's nearest relation was in orders.

NO STRANGER.

A HUMOROUS divine, visiting a gentleman whose wife none of the most amiable, overheard his friend say, "If it were not for the stranger in the next room, I would kick you out of doors." Upon which, the clergyman stepped in, and said, "Pray, sir, make no stranger of me."

BOTH ONE.

AN honest clergyman, in the country, was reproving a married couple for their frequent dissensions, seeing they were both one. "Both one!" cried the husband; "were you to come by our door sometimes, when we quarrel, you would swear we were twenty."

PRESS AND SQUEEZE.

A FRENCHMAN having frequently heard the word _press_ made use of to imply _persuade_, as, "press that gentleman to take some refreshment," "press him to stay to-night," thought he would show his talents, by using a synonymous term; and therefore made no scruple, one evening, to cry out in company, "Pray _squeeze_ that lady to sing."

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING.

A CERTAIN gentleman, not well skilled in orthography, requested his friend to send him _too_ monkeys. The _t_ not being distinctly written, his friend concluded his _too_ was intended for 100. With difficulty, he procured fifty, which he sent; adding, "The other fifty, agreeable to your order, will be forwarded as soon as possible."

LONG NOSE.

A GENTLEMAN having put out a candle, by accident, one night, ordered his waiting-man, who was a simple being, to light it again in the kitchen. "But take care, John," added he, "that you do not hit yourself against anything, in the dark." Mindful of the caution, John stretched out both his arms at full length, before him; but unluckily, a door, which stood half open, passed between his hands, and struck him a woful blow upon the nose. "Dickens!" muttered he, when he recovered his senses a little, "I always heard that I had a plaguey long nose, but I vow I never have thought, before, that it was longer than my arm."

RIDING DOUBLE.

AN Irish sailor, as he was riding, made a pause; the horse, in beating off the flies, caught his hind foot in the stirrup. The sailor observing it, exclaimed, "How now, Dobbin, if you are going to get on, I will get off; for, by the powers, I will not ride double with you."

BEGIN RIGHT.

AN Irishman, some years ago, attending the University of Edinburgh, waited upon one of the most celebrated teachers of the German flute, desiring to know on what terms he would give him a few lessons. The flute-player informed him that he generally charged two guineas for the first month, and one guinea for the second. "Then, by my sowl," replied the cunning Hibernian, "I'll come the second month."

INTERVIEW BETWEEN THE EDITOR AND PHOENIX.

THE Thomas Hunt had arrived, she lay at the wharf at New Town, and a rumor had reached our ears that "the Judge" was on board. Public anxiety had been excited to the highest pitch to witness the result of the meeting between us. It had been stated publicly that "the Judge" would whip us the moment he arrived; but though we thought a conflict probable, we had never been very sanguine as to its terminating in this manner. Coolly we gazed from the window of the Office upon the New Town road; we descried a cloud of dust in the distance; high above it waved a whip lash, and we said, "'The Judge' cometh, and 'his driving is like that of Jehu the son of Nimshi, for he driveth furiously.'"

Calmly we seated ourselves in the "_arm chair_," and continued our labors upon our magnificent Pictorial. Anon, a step, a heavy step, was heard upon the stairs, and "the Judge" stood before us.

"In shape and gesture proudly eminent, he stood like a tower: ... but his face deep scars of thunder had intrenched, and care sat on his faded cheek; but under brows of dauntless courage and pride, waiting revenge."

"We rose, and with an unfaltering voice said: "Well, Judge, how do you do?" He made no reply but commenced taking off his coat.

We removed ours, also our cravat.

* * * * *

The sixth and last round, is described by the pressman and compositors, as having been fearfully scientific. We held "the Judge" down over the Press by our nose (which we had inserted between his teeth for that purpose), and while our hair was employed in holding one of his hands we held the other in our left, and with the "sheep's foot" brandished above our head, shouted to him, "Say Waldo," "Never!" he gasped--

"O my Bigler!" he would have muttered, But that he "dried up," ere the word was uttered.

At this moment we discovered that we had been laboring under a "misunderstanding," and through the amicable intervention of the pressman, who thrust a roller between our faces (which gave the whole affair a very different complexion), the _matter_ was finally settled on the most friendly terms--"and without prejudice to the honor of either party." We write this while sitting without any clothing, except our left stocking, and the rim of our hat encircling our neck like a "ruff" of the Elizabethan era--that article of dress having been knocked over our head at an early stage of the proceedings, and the crown subsequently torn off, while "the Judge" is sopping his eye with cold water, in the next room, a small boy standing beside the sufferer with a basin, and glancing with interest over the advertisements on the second page of the San Diego Herald, a fair copy of which was struck off upon the back of his shirt, at the time we held him over the Press. Thus ends our description of this long anticipated personal collision, of which the public can believe precisely as much as they please; if they disbelieve the whole of it, we shall not be at all offended, but can simply quote as much to the point, what might have been the commencement of our epitaph, had we fallen in the conflict,

"HERE LIES PHOENIX."

_Phoenixiana._

INCREDULITY.

A GENTLEMAN telling a very improbable story, and observing one of the company cast a doubtful eye, "Zounds, Sir," says he, "_I saw the thing happen._" "If you did," says the other, "I _must_ believe it; but I would not have believed it if I had seen it myself."

A SECOND METHUSELAH.

A STATUARY was directed to inscribe on a monument the age of the deceased, namely 81. The person who gave the order recollecting, however, that it should have been 82, desired the sculptor to add one year more; and the veteran to whose memory this stone was erected, is recorded as having "departed this life at the advanced age of 811!"

A SCHOOL TEACHER.

A GENTLEMAN from Swampville, State of New York, was telling how many different occupations he had attempted. Among others he had tried school teaching. "How long did you teach?" asked a by-stander.

"Wal, I didn't teach long; that is, I only _went_ to teach."

"Did you hire out?"

"Wal, I didn't hire out; I only _went_ to hire out."

"Why did you give it up?"

"Wal, I gave it up--for some reason or nuther. You see, I traveled into a deestrict and inquired for the trustees. Somebody said Mr. Snickles was the man I wanted to see. So I found Mr. Snickles,--named my objic--interduced myself--and asked him what he thought about lettin' me try my luck with the big boys and unruly gals of the deestrict. He wanted to know if I really thought myself capable; and I told him I wouldn't mind him asken me a few easy questions in 'rithmetic, jography, or showin' my handwritin'. But he said, No, never mind, he could tell a good teacher by his _gait_. 'Let me see you walk off a little ways,' says he, 'and I can tell jis's well's I'd heared you examined,' says he.

"He sot in the door as he spoke, and I thought, he looked a little skittish; but I was consider'bly frustrated, and didn't mind much; so I turned about and walked off as smart as I know'd how. He said he would tell me when to stop, so I kep' on 'till I tho't I'd gone far 'nough; I then 'spected suthin' was to pay, and looked round. _The door was shet, and Snickles was gone!_"

POSTHUMOUS HONOR.

"SANCHO," said a dying planter to his faithful slave, "for your services I shall leave it in my will, that you shall be buried in our family vault." "Ah, Massa!" replied Sancho, "me rather have de money or de freedom. Besides, if the devil come in the dark to look for massa, he make the mistake, and carry away poor negro man."

THE ANTIGALLICAN.

A FRENCHMAN in a coffee-house called for a gill of wine, which was brought him in a glass. He said it was the _French_ custom to bring wine in a _measure_. The waiter answered, "Sir, we wish for no _French measures_ here."

SWEET DEFINITION.

A SPRIGHTLY school girl who attends the "Central High," where the teachers have a way of inciting the pupils to understand what they say in the classes, was reading the "Last of the Huggermuggers;" and stirred by the spirit of inquiry, stimulated by her teachers, if not by natural feminine curiosity, asked a boy cousin of hers, the meaning of huggermugger. John looked thoughtful for a moment, and then said--"I'll show you;" and before the incipient woman had time to make any further remark, John had his arm around her waist, and subjected it to a gentle pressure--"That's hugger; and this," putting his lips to hers in affectionate collision, "is _mug ger_!" "Yes," said the not more than half displeased Sarah Ann, "and this is the _last_ of the huggermuggers, for if you ever attempt to give me another such definition, I'll box your ears. I've a great mind to tell Mr. Hall, as I go to school, what sort of dictionary you are carrying about you all the time."--_Boston Transcript._

COULDN'T AFFORD IT.

"I DON'T care much about the bugs," said Mr. Wormly to the head of a genteel private boarding house, "but the fact is, Madam, I havn't the blood to spare--you see that yourself."

PULL DEVIL--PULL BAKER.

A QUESTION for the Spike Society. "Would the devil beat his wife if he had one?" "Guess not--for the women generally beat the devil."

PROVOKING.

"HALLO, boy, did you see a rabbit cross the road there just now?"

"A rabbit?"

"Yes, be quick! a rabbit."

"Was it a kinder gray varmint?"

"Yes, yes!"

"A longish critter, with a short tail?"

"Yes, be quick or he'll gain his burrow."

"Had it long legs behind, and big ears?"

"Yes, yes!"

"And sorter jumps when it runs?"

"Yes, I tell you; jumps when it runs!"

"Well, I hain't seen such a critter about here."

WHEN PRESIDENTS DINE.

ON Davy Crocket's return to his constituents after his first session in Congress, a nation of them surrounded him one day, and began to interrogate him about Washington.

"What time do they dine in Washington, Colonel?"

"Why," said he, "common people, such as you are, get their dinners about one o'clock, but the gentry and big bugs dine at three. As for representatives we dine at four, and the aristocracy and the Senators don't get theirs till five."

"Well, when does the President fodder?" asked another.

"Old Hickory!" exclaimed the Colonel, attempting to appoint a time appropriate to the dignity of the station. "Old Hickory! well he don't dine until the next day!"

COOK'S STRIKE.

A FEW weeks ago a wealthy family in Philadelphia, having hired a cook who had been highly recommended to them, she was ordered one day to prepare among other things, a hash for dinner. The hash came and was charming--all eagerly partaking of it until the dish was scraped out. So popular after this did the hash of the new cook become, that it was nothing but hash every day. At last the poor cook, bringing in a large dish of it, the perspiration pouring down her face, which was red as a coal of fire, she set it down, and turned to her mistress and drawing herself up said:

"Madam, I strikes!"

"Strikes! why, what is the matter, Betty?"

"Cause, ma'am, I can't give you hash every day and forever--_me jaws is all broke down, and me teeth is all wore out, chawing it up for ye's!_"

BAD STATE.

A SCHOOLMASTER in a neighboring town, wishing to discover the talents of his scholars for geography, asked one of the youngest of them, what State he lived in? To which the boy replied, "A state of sin and misery."

PRESENCE OF MIND.

A POOR fellow, in Scotland, creeping through the hedge of an orchard, with an intention to rob it, was seen by the owner, who called out to him, "Sawney, hoot, hoot, man, where are you ganging?" "Back agen," says Sawney.

EXTRAVAGANCE.

AN Irish "gintleman" had occasion to visit the South some time since. When he returned, he remarked to a friend that the Southern people were very extravagant. Upon being asked why so, he remarked, that where he stayed they had a _candlestick_ worth eleven hundred dollars.

"Why, how in the world could it cost that much?" inquired a friend.

"Och, be gorry, it was nuthin' mor'n a big nager fellow holdin a torch for us to eat by."

SOMEWHERE.

A LADY who gave herself great airs of importance, on being introduced to a gentleman for the first time, said, with much cool indifference, "I think, Sir, I have seen you somewhere." "Very likely you may," replied the gentleman, with equal sang froid, "as I have been there very often."

GOOD SHOT.

A PHYSICIAN, who lived in London, visited a lady who resided in Chelsea. After continuing his visits for some time, the lady expressed an apprehension that it might be inconvenient for him to come so far on her account. "Oh! by no means," replied the doctor; "I have another patient in the neighborhood, and I always set out hoping to kill two birds with one stone."

ORIENTAL WIT.

A YOUNG man, going on a journey, intrusted a hundred deenars to an old man. When he came back, the old man denied having had any money deposited with him, and he was had up before the Khazee. "Where were you, young man, when you delivered this money?" "Under a tree." "Take my seal and summon that tree," said the judge. "Go, young man, and tell the tree to come hither, and the tree will obey you when you show it my seal." The young man went in wonder. After he had been gone some time, the Khazee said to the old man, "He is long--do you think he has got there yet?" "No," said the old man; "it is at some distance; he has not got there yet." "How knowest thou, old man," cried the Khazee, "where that tree is?" The young man returned and said the tree would not come. "He has been here, young man, and given his evidence--the money is thine."

BAD LIGHTS.

AN Irish gentleman, in company, observing that the lights were so dim as only to render the darkness visible, called out lustily, "Here, waiter, let me have a couple of dacent candles, that I may see how those others burn."

PAIR OF SPECTACLES.

TWO brothers having been sentenced to death, one was executed first. "See," the other brother said, "what a lamentable spectacle my brother makes! in a few minutes I shall be turned off; and then you will see a pair of spectacles."

SMART GIRL.

A COUNTRY girl, riding by a turnpike-road without paying toll, the gate-keeper hailed her and demanded his fee. On her demanding his authority, he referred her to his sign, where she read, "A man and horse, six cents." "Well," says she, "you can demand nothing of me, as this is but a woman and a mare."

CROOKED STICK.

AS a number of persons were lately relating to each other the various extraordinary incidents which had fallen within their observation, a traveler attracted their attention by the following: "As I was passing through a forest, I heard a rustling noise in the bushes near the road: and being impelled by curiosity, I was determined to know what it was. When I arrived at the spot, I found it was occasioned by a large stick of wood, which was so very crooked that it would not lie still."

A CLINCHER.

GRACE GREENWOOD, in speaking of a certain and too fashionable kind of parental government, in her lecture at Cleveland, a few evenings since, told this refreshing little story: A gentleman told his little boy, a child of four years, to shut the gate. He made the request three times, and the youngster paid no sort of attention to it. "I have told you three times, my son, to shut the gate," said the gentleman sorrowfully. "And I've told you _free_ times," lisped the child, "that I won't do it. You must be stupid."

A MISCONCEPTION.

A BARBER having a dispute with a parish clerk on a point of grammar, the latter said it was a downright _barbarism, indeed_. "What!" exclaimed the other, "do you mean to insult me? _Barberism, indeed!_ I'd have you to know that a barber can speak as good grammar as a parish clerk any day in the week."

SQUIBOB'S ANTIDOTE FOR FLEAS.

FROM PHOENIXIANA.

THE following recipe from the writings of Miss Hannah More, may be found useful to your readers:

In a climate where the attacks of fleas are a constant source of annoyance, any method which will alleviate them becomes a _desideratum_. It is, therefore, with pleasure I make known the following recipe, which I am assured has been tried with efficacy.

Boil a quart of tar until it becomes quite thin. Remove the clothing, and before the tar becomes perfectly cool, with a broad flat brush, apply a thin, smooth coating to the entire surface of the body and limbs. While the tar remains soft, the flea becomes entangled in its tenacious folds, and is rendered perfectly harmless; but it will soon form a hard, smooth coating, entirely impervious to his bite. Should the coating crack at the knee or elbow joints, it is merely necessary to retouch it slightly at those places. The whole coat should be renewed every three or four weeks. This remedy is sure, and having the advantage of simplicity and economy, should be generally known.

So much for Miss More. A still simpler method of preventing the attacks of these little pests, is one which I have lately discovered myself;--in theory only--I have not yet put it into practice. On feeling the bite of the flea, thrust the part bitten immediately into boiling water. The heat of the water destroys the insect and instantly removes the pain of the bite.

You have probably heard of old Parry Dox. I met him here a few days since, in a sadly seedy condition. He told me that he was still extravagantly fond of whiskey, though he was constantly "running it down." I inquired after his wife. "She is dead, poor creature," said he, "and is probably far better off than ever she was here. She was a seamstress, and her greatest enjoyment of happiness in this world was only so, so."

THE OBSEQUIOUS CARPENTER.

A CARPENTER having neglected to make a gibbet ordered, on the ground of his not having been paid for a former one, was severely rated by the sheriff. "Fellow," said he, "how dared you neglect making the gibbet that was ordered for me?" "I humbly beg your pardon," said the carpenter, "had I known that it was _for your worship_, I should have left everything else to do it."

A DOUBLE ENTENDRE.

A LADY who strove by the application of washes, paint, &c., to improve her countenance, had her vanity not a little flattered by a gentleman saying, "Madam, every time I look at your face I discover some _new beauty_."

A REPROOF.