Chapter 12

A CAPTAIN in a volunteer corps, drilling his company, had occasion to desire one of the gentlemen to step farther out in marching. The order not being attended to, was repeated in a peremptory tone, when the private exclaimed, "I cannot, captain, _you have made my breeches too tight_."

TIT FOR TAT.

TWO contractors, who had made large fortunes, had a quarrel. One of them, in the midst of the altercation, asked the other contemptuously, "Do you remember, Sir, when you were my footman?" The other answered, "I do; and had you been my footman, you would have been a footman still."

SOUND ARGUMENT.

A SAILOR being about to set out for India, a citizen asked him:

"Where did your father die?"

"In shipwreck."

"And where did your grandfather die?"

"As he was fishing, a storm arose, and the bark foundering, all on board perished."

"And your great-grandfather?"

"He also perished on board a ship which struck on a rock."

"Then," said the citizen, "if I were you, _I would never go to sea_."

"And pray, Mr. Philosopher," observed the seaman, "where did your father die?"

"In his bed."

"And your grandfather?"

"In his bed."

"And your great-grandfather?"

"He and all my ancestors died quietly in their beds."

"Then, if I were you, _I would never go to bed_."

INGRATITUDE.

WHEN the _School for Scandal_ was first performed, Mr. Cumberland sat in the front of the stage box with the most complete apathy; its wit and humor never affected his risible muscles. This being reported to Mr. Sheridan, he observed, "That was very ungrateful, for I am sure I laughed heartily at his tragedy of _The Battle of Hastings_."

REASONS FOR DRAM-DRINKING.

A GENTLEMAN in a coffee-house called, "Waiter! bring me a glass of brandy; I am very hot." Another, "Waiter! a glass of brandy; I am devilish cold." Mr. Quin, "Waiter! give me a glass of brandy; because I like it."

SMUGGLING.

A LADY asked a silly but conceited Scotch nobleman, how it happened that the Scots who came out of their own country were in general of more abilities than those who remained at home. "Madam," said he, "the reason is obvious; at every outlet there are persons stationed to examine those who pass, that for the honor of the country no one be permitted to leave it who is not a person of understanding." "Then," said she, "I presume your lordship was smuggled."

A MIS-UNDER-STANDING.

A GENTLEMAN desired his boot-maker, as he took measure, to observe particularly that one of his legs was bigger than the other, and of course to make one of his boots bigger than the other. When they were brought home, trying the larger boot on the small leg, it went on easily, but when he attempted the other, his foot stuck fast. "You are a pretty tradesman," said he, "I ordered you to make one of the boots _larger than the other_; and, instead of that, you have made one of them _smaller than the other_."

THE DOUBLE BULL.

"HOW can you call these blackberries, when they are red?" "Don't you know that _black_ berries are always _red_ when they are _green_?"

IRISH DREAMING.

WHEN General and Mrs. V. were in Dublin, they were perpetually teased by an old woman whom they had relieved, but whose importunity had no bounds; every time she could find an opportunity she had a fresh tale to extract money from their pockets. One day as they were stepping into their carriage, Molly accosted them: "Ah! good luck to your honor's honor, and your ladyship's honor,--to be sure I was not dreaming of you last night; I dreamt that your honor's honor gave me a pound of tobacco, and her ladyship gave me a pound of taa." "Aye, my good woman," says the general, "but you know dreams always go by contraries." "Do they so?" replied she, "then it must be that your honor will give me the taa, and her ladyship the tobacco."

THE PROVIDENT WIFE.

A TAILOR dying said to his wife, who was plunged in tears, "My dear, don't let my death afflict you too much. I would recommend you to marry Thomas, our foreman; he is a good lad and a clever workman, and would assist you to carry on the trade." "My love," answered the disconsolate dame, "make yourself easy on that score, for Tom and I have settled the matter already."

THE COCKNEY'S BAGGAGE.

SUT LOVINGOOD sends the following to an exchange. A full-blooded Cockney who is now taking notes on the United States, chanced to be on one of our southern trains, when a "run off" took place, and a general mixing up of things was the consequence. Cockney's first act, after straightening out his collapsed hat, was to raise a terrible 'ubbub about 'is baggage, and among other things, wanted to know, "hif railroads hin Hamerika wasn't responsible for baggage stolen, smashed, or missing?"

"Well, yes," said the Tennessean addressed, "but it is a deuce of a job to get your pay."

"Why so?"

"They will perhaps admit your claim, but then _they offer to fight you for it_; that's a standing American rule. There is the man employed by this road to _fight for baggage_," pointing to a huge bewhiskered train-hand, who stood by with his sleeves rolled up, "I think, if my memory serves me, he has fought for sixty-nine lots, _an' blamed if he haint won 'em all_. They gave him the empty trunks for his pay, and he is making a hundred dollars a month in selling trunks, valises, carpet-bags, and satchels. Have you lost any baggage?"

"No, no, not hat hall. Hi just hasked to learn your custom hin case hi _did_ lose hany. Hi don't _think_ hi'll lose mine 'owever."

Here the train-hand who overheard the talk, stepped up, and inquired, "Have you lost anything?"

"Ho no! ho no!" replied Cockney, with unusual energy.

"Can't I sell you a trunk?"

"Thank you, Sir. No, I think I have a supply."

"Well, if you do either lose baggage or want to buy a trunk _already marked_, deuced if I ain't the man to call on."

It is needless to say that instead of raising Cain generally, as Cockney had been doing, he betook him to zealously writing notes on American customs during the remainder of the delay. Probably he indited something fully equal to the _London Times_ Georgia railroad story.

EQUIVOQUE.

A SCHOLAR put his horse into a field belonging to Morton College, on which the Master sent him a message, that if he continued his horse there, he would cut off his tail. "Say you so!" answered the scholar, "go tell your master, if he cuts off my horse's tail, I will cut off his ears." This being delivered to the Master, he in a passion sent for the scholar, who appearing before him, he said sternly, "How now, Sir, what mean you by that menace you sent me?" "Sir," said the youth, "I menaced you not; I only said, _if you cut off my horse's tail, I would cut off his ears_."

THE LOST FOUND.

A SERVANT being sent with half a dozen living partridges in a present, had the curiosity to open the lid of the basket containing them, when they all made their escape. He proceeded, however, with the letter: the gentleman to whom it was addressed having read it, said, "I find _in this letter_ half a dozen of partridges." "Do you, indeed?" cried Pat, "I am glad you have _found them in the letter_, for they all _flew out of the basket_."

A FILLIP TO A KING.

THE Earl of St. Albans was, like many other staunch loyalists, little remembered by Charles II. He was, however, an attendant at court, and one of his majesty's companions in his gay hours. On one such occasion, a stranger came with an important suit for an office of great value, just vacant. The king, by way of joke, desired the earl to personate him, and ordered the petitioner to be admitted. The gentleman, addressing himself to the supposed monarch, enumerated his services to the royal family, and hoped the grant of the place would not be deemed too great a reward. "By no means," answered the earl, "and I am only sorry that as soon as I heard of the vacancy I conferred it upon my faithful friend the Earl of St. Albans [pointing to the king], who has constantly followed the fortunes both of my father and myself, and has hitherto gone unrewarded." Charles granted for this joke what the utmost real services looked for in vain.

A MERITED REWARD.

A PHYSICIAN, during his attendance on a man of letters, remarking that the patient was very punctual in observing his regimen and taking his prescriptions, exclaimed with exultation, "My dear sir, you really _deserve to be ill_!"

COCKNEYISM.

A LONDONER told his friend that he was going to Margate for a change of _hair_. "You had better," said the other, "go to the _wig-maker's shop_."

A STORY APPLIED.

MR. BALFOUR, a Scotch advocate of dry humour, but much pomposity, being in a large company, where the convivial Earl of Kelly presided, was requested to give a song, which he declined. Lord Kelly, with all the despotism of a chairman, insisted that if he would not sing, he must tell a story or drink a pint bumper of wine. Mr. Balfour, being an abstemious man, would not submit to the latter alternative, but consented to tell a story. "One day," said he, "a thief, prowling about, passed a church, the door of which was invitingly open. Thinking that he might even there find some prey, he entered, and was decamping with the pulpit-cloth, when he found his exit interrupted, the doors having been in the interim fastened. What was he to do to escape with his plunder? He mounted the steeple, and let himself down by the bell-rope; but scarcely had he reached the bottom when the consequent noise of the bell brought together people, who seized him. As he was led off to prison he addressed the bell, _as I now address your lordship_; said he, '_Had it not been for your long tongue and your empty head I had made my escape_.'"

AMOR PATRIÆ.

A DISPUTE arose as to the site of Goldsmith's _Deserted Village_. An Irish clergyman insisted that it was the little hamlet of Auburn, in the county of Westmeath. One of the company observed that this was improbable, as Dr. Goldsmith had never been in that part of the country. "Why, gentlemen," exclaimed the parson, "was Milton in hell when he wrote his _Paradise Lost_?"

A QUAKER JOKE.

A CORRESPONDENT sends the Buffalo Express the following good thing for the hot weather:

K----, the Quaker President of a Pennsylvania railroad, during the confusion and panic last fall, called upon the W---- Bank, with which the road had kept a large regular account, and asked for an extension of a part of its paper falling due in a few days. The Bank President declined rather abruptly, saying, in a tone common with that fraternity,

"Mr. K., your paper _must be paid at maturity_. We _cannot renew it_."

"Very well," our Quaker replied, and left the Bank. But he did not let the matter drop here. On leaving the Bank, he walked quietly over to the depot and telegraphed all the agents and conductors on the road, to reject the bills on the W---- Bank. In a few hours the trains began to arrive, full of panic, and bringing the news of distrust of the W---- Bank all along the line of the road. Stock-holders and depositors flocked into the Bank, making the panic, inquiring,

"What is the matter?"

"Is the Bank broke?"

A little inquiry by the officers showed that the trouble originated in the rejection of the bills by the railroad. The President seized his hat, and rushed down to the Quaker's office, and came bustling in with the inquiry:

"Mr. K., have you directed the refusal of our currency by your agents?"

"Yes," was the quiet reply.

"Why is this? It will ruin us!"

"Well, friend L., I supposed thy Bank was about to fail, as thee could not renew a little paper for us this morning."

It is needless to say Mr. L. renewed all the Quaker's paper, and enlarged his line of discount, while the magic wires carried all along the road to every agent the sedative message,

"The W---- Bank is all right. Thee may take its currency."

A ROYAL PHYSICIAN.

HENRY VIII. hunting in Windsor Forest, struck down about dinner to the abbey of Reading, where, disguising himself as one of the Royal Guards, he was invited to the abbot's table. A sirloin was set before him, on which he laid to as lustily as any _beef-eater_. "Well fare thy heart," quoth the abbot, "and here in a cup of sack I remember the health of his grace your master. I would give a hundred pounds that I could feed on beef as heartily as you do. Alas! my poor queasy stomach will scarcely digest the wing of a chicken." The king heartily pledged him, thanked him for his good cheer, and departed undiscovered. Shortly after, the abbot was sent to the Tower, kept a close prisoner, and fed on bread and water, ignorant of the cause, and terrified at his situation. At last, a sirloin of beef was set before him, on which his empty stomach made him feed voraciously. "My lord!" exclaimed the king entering from a private closet, "instantly deposit your hundred pounds, or no going hence. I have been your physician, and here, as I deserve it, I demand my fee."

A SELFISH PUN.

A CERTAIN tavern-keeper, who opened an oyster-shop as an appendage to his other establishment, was upbraided by a neighboring oyster-monger, as being ungenerous and _selfish_; "and why," said he, "would you not have me _sell-fish_?"

SYMPATHY.

A GOOD deacon making an official visit to a dying neighbor, who was a very churlish and universally unpopular man, put the usual question--"Are you willing to go, my friend?"

"Oh, yes," said the sick man, "I am."

"Well," said the simple minded deacon, "I am glad you are, for _all the neighbors are willing_!"

MATERNAL ADVICE.

A NOBLE Lord being in his early years much addicted to dissipation, his mother advised him to take example by a gentleman, whose food was herbs, and his drink water. "What! Madam," said he, "would you have me to imitate a man, who _eats like a beast, and drinks like a fish_!"

PROVERBS APPLIED.

A "FAT and greasy citizen," having made a ridiculous motion in the Common Council, observed afterwards at a select _dinner party_, (or rather _party dinner_,) that he was afraid he should be _hauled over the coals_ for it. An alderman present observed, "_Then all the fat would be in the fire._"

PROOF OF YORKSHIRE.

A LAD, seeing a gentleman in a public house eating eggs, said,

"Be so good, Sir, as give me a little salt."

"Salt, for what?"

"Perhaps, Sir, you'll ask me to eat an egg, and I should like to be ready."

"What country are you from, my lad?"

"I's Yorkshire, Sir."

"I thought so--Well, there take your egg."

"Thank you, Sir."

"Well, they are great horse-stealers in your country are not they?"

"Yes; my father, though an honest man, would think no more of taking a horse, than I would of drinking your glass of ale," _taking it off_.

"Yes, I see you are Yorkshire."

SCOTCH WEATHER.

ON a very wet day in the west of Scotland, a traveler, who had been detained a week by bad weather, peevishly asked a native, if it always rained in that country? He replied, drily, "No, it _snows sometimes_."

AN OBSERVATION EXEMPLIFIED.

A BOY on the stage danced very finely and obtained much applause. A senior dancer enviously observed, that he never knew a clever boy turn out a great man. The boy said, "Sir, you must have been a very clever boy."

TIT FOR TAT.

DOBBS was up and doing, April Fool Day. A singular phenomenon was to be seen in the vicinity of his place of business. Dobbs went home from his store, the last evening in March, and while taking his tea, remarked to his wife, that his colored porter had been blessed with an increase in his family.

"Why," said Mrs. D., "that makes nine!"

"Exactly," said he; "but the singularity about this new comer, is, that one half of its face is black."

"Dear me!" exclaimed Mrs. D., "that is singular, indeed. How strange! What can be the cause of such disfigurement?"

"Can't say," replied Dobbs, "but it is a curiosity worth seeing, to say the least of it."

"So I should think," returned his better half. "I will go down in the morning, and take such delicacies as the woman needs, and see the child at the same time."

Dobbs knew she would, so he went out to smoke a cigar, and the subject was dropped for the evening. Next morning after he went to his store, the kind-hearted woman made up a basket of nice things, and taking the servant girl, went down to cheer up the mother, and see the singular child. When Dobbs came home to dinner, his wife looked surprised. Before he had time to seat himself, she said:

"Have you seen cousin John? He was here, this morning, to pay you the money you lent him, and as he could not wait for you, and must leave town again to-day; I told him you would be at the store, at half-past two.

"How fortunate!" said he; "I need just that amount to take up a note to-morrow. Just two, now," said Dobbs, looking at his watch, "I will go down at once, for fear of missing him."

"Can't you have dinner first?" said his affectionate wife, "you will be in time."

"No," said he, "I want that money, and would not like to miss him, so I will go at once."

"By the by," said the lady, "how came you to tell me such a story about one side of that child's face being white?"

"No, no," said he, as he put on his hat, "you are mistaken. I said one side was black. You did not ask me about the other side; _that was black, too_. First of April, my dear, first of April, you know."

Dobbs departed in haste, and did not return again until tea time, and then he looked disappointed.

"What is the matter, my dear?" said Mrs. D.

"Why, I missed cousin John, and I needed the thousand dollars to take up a note to-morrow. And every one is so short, I cannot raise it."

"Oh! is that all?" returned she, "then it's all right. Cousin John paid me the money, and said you could send him a receipt by mail."

"But," asked Dobbs, "why couldn't you tell me so at dinner time, and not say he would be at the store, to pay me, at half-past two, and so send me off without my dinner, besides causing me so much anxiety for nothing?"

"I am sorry you have had so much anxiety and trouble," returned his wife; "but you are mistaken in supposing I told you he would be at the store, at that time. I said I told him _you_ would be there, at half-past two, and knowing you were in want of that money, I knew you would not fail. _First of April, my dear, first of April, you know!_"

Dobbs caved in; he acknowledged the corn, and Mr. and Mrs. Dobbs enjoyed a pleasant supper.

THE REGRET.

JOSEPH II. Emperor of Germany, traveling incognito, stopped at an inn in the Netherlands, where, it being fair time, and the house crowded, he readily slept in an outhouse, after a slender supper of bacon and eggs, for which, and bed, he paid the charge of about three shillings and sixpence, English. A few hours after, some of his majesty's suite coming up, the landlord appeared very uneasy at not having known the rank of his guest. "Pshaw! man," said one of the attendants, "Joseph is accustomed to such adventures, and will think nothing of it." "Very likely," replied mine host, "but I shall. I can never forgive myself for having an emperor in my house, and letting him off for three and sixpence."

NOT TO BE TWICE DECEIVED.

A PERSON, more ready to borrow than to pay, prevailed on a friend to lend him a guinea, on a solemn promise of returning it the ensuing week, which, to the surprise of the lender, he punctually kept. Shortly after, he made an application for a larger sum. "No," said the other, "you have deceived me once, and I will take care you shall not do so a second time."

MURDER AND SUICIDE.

A CLERGYMAN preaching against lending money on usury, asserted it to be as great a sin as _murder_. Some time after, he applied to a parishioner to lend him twenty pounds. "What!" said the other, "after declaring your opinion that to lend money on usury, was as bad as _murder_?" "I do not mean," answered the parson, "that you should lend it to me on usury, but _gratis_." "That," replied the parishioner, "would, in my opinion, be as bad as _suicide_."

A CHALLENGE.

A SON of Galen, when a company was making merry by ridicule on physicians, exclaimed, "I defy any person I ever attended, to accuse me of ignorance or neglect." "That you may do, doctor, _dead men tell no tales_."

A QUALIFICATION.

A YOUNG nobleman, lately admitted a member of the Board of Agriculture, observed, as he took his seat, that he himself was an extensive farmer. The company knowing his lordship's pursuits to be very different, stared a little at the declaration; but he explained it, by saying, he had sowed a great deal of _wild oats_.

QUICK WORK.

MRS. PARTINGTON, speaking of the rapid manner in which wicked deeds are perpetrated, said that it only required two _seconds_ to fight a duel.

NON COMMITTAL.

A CALM, blue-eyed, self-composed, and self-possessed young lady, in a village "down east," received a long call the other day, from a prying old spinster, who, after prolonging her stay beyond even her own conception of the young lady's endurance, came to the main question which brought her thither: "I've been asked a good many times if you was engaged to Dr. C----. Now, if folks enquire again whether you be or not, what shall I tell them I think?" "Tell them," answered the young lady, fixing her calm blue eyes in unblushing steadiness upon the inquisitive features of her interrogator, "tell them that you think you don't know, and you're sure it's none of your business."

GRIEF.

A DUTCHMAN having suddenly lost an infant son, of whom he was very fond, thus vented his inconsolable grief over the loss of his child. "I don't see wot dit make him die; he was so fatter as butter. I wouldn't haf him tie for five dollars!"

JUDICIOUS REMARK.

A NEGRO, whom Dr. Franklin brought over from America, observed, that the only gentleman in this country was the hog--"Everything work: _man_ work, _woman_ work, _horse_ work, _bullock_ work, _ass_ work, _fire_ work, _water_ work, _smoke_ work, _dog_ work, _cat_ work; but the _hog_, he eat, he sleep, he do nothing all day--he be the only gentleman in England."

A KNOTTY PUN.

THE late Caleb Whitefoord, seeing a lady knotting fringe for a petticoat, asked her, what she was doing? "Knotting, Sir," replied she; "pray Mr. Whitefoord, can you knot?" He answered, "_I can-not._"

RETORT FROM A CHILD.

A VERY diminutive man, instructing his young son, told him if he neglected his learning he would never grow tall. The child observed, "Father, did you ever learn anything?"

AN APT SCHOLAR.

"JOHN, what is the past of see?"

"Seen, Sir."

"No, John, it is saw."

"Yes, Sir, and if a _sea_-fish swims by me it becomes a _saw_-fish, when it is past and can't be _seen_."

"John, go home. Ask your mother to soak your feet in hot water, to prevent a rush of brains to the head."

CLASSICAL BULL. POPE.

EIGHT callow _infants_ filled the mossy nest, _Herself the ninth._

ANOTHER. HOME.

BENEATH a mountain's brow, the most remote And _inaccessible_ by _shepherds trod_.

A ROWLAND FOR AN OLIVER.

A SAILOR examined on an assault committed on board of ship, was asked by the counsel, whether the plaintiff or defendant struck first. "I know nothing," said he, "of plaintiff and defendant; I only know, as I have said already, that Tom knocked Jack down with a marlinspike." "Here," said the counsel, "is a pretty witness, who does not know the plaintiff from the defendant!" Proceeding in his cross examination, the counsel asked where the affray happened? The answer was, "Abaft the binnacle." "Abaft the binnacle! where's that?" "Here," said the witness, "is a pretty counsel for you, that does not know abaft the binnacle!" The counsel, not yet abashed, asked, "And pray, my witty friend, how far were you from Tom when he knocked down Jack?" "Just five feet seven inches." "You are very accurate; and how do you happen to know this so very exactly?" "I thought some fool would ask me, and so I measured it."

SLANG.

LORD MANSFIELD examining a witness, asked,

"What do you know of the defendant?"

"O! my lord, _I was up to him_."