Chapter 10

WHEN Mr. Thelwell was on his trial for high treason, he wrote this note to his counsel, Mr. Erskine: "I am determined to plead my own cause." Erskine answered, "If you do, you'll be hanged." Thelwell replied, "I'll be hanged if I do."

THE HARDSHIPS OF LIFE.

A DRAMATIC author, not unconscious of his own abilities, observed, that he knew nothing so terrible as reading a play in the green-room, before so critical an audience. "I know something more terrible," said Mrs. Powell. "What is that?" "To be obliged to sit and hear it read."

SYMPTOMS OF CIVILIZATION.

WALKING STUART, being cast away on an unknown shore, where, after he and his companions had proceeded a long way without seeing a creature, at length, to their great delight, they descried _a man hanging on a gibbet_. "The joy," says he, "which this _cheering sight_ excited, cannot be described; for it convinced us that we were in a _civilized country_."

AN IMPROVEMENT.

A GENTLEMAN asked his _black diamond merchant_ the price of coals. "Ah!" said he, significantly shaking his head, "coals are coals, now." "I am glad to hear that," observed the wit, "for the last I had of you, were half of them slates."

A SENTIMENTAL FOSSIL.

"WHAT is your name?" "My name is Norval, on the Grampian Hills."

"Where did you come from?" "I come from a happy land, where care is unknown."

"Where are you lodging now?" "I dreamt I dwelt in marble halls."

"Where are you going to?" "Far, far o'er hill and dell."

"What is your occupation?" "Some love to roam."

"Are you married?" "Long time ago. Polly put the kettle on."

"How many children have you?" "There's Doll, and Bet, and Moll, and Kate, and--"

"What is your wife's name?" "O no, we never mention her."

"Did your wife oppose your leaving her?" "She wept not, when we parted."

"In what condition did you leave her?" "A rose tree in full bearing."

"Is your family provided for?" "A little farm, well tilled."

"Did your wife drive you off?" "Oh, sublime was the warning."

"What did your wife say to you, that induced you to _slope_?" "Come, rest in this bosom."

"Was your wife good-looking?" "She wore a wreath of roses."

"Did your wife ever treat you badly?" "Oft in the stilly night."

"When you announced your intention of emigrating, what did she say?" "Oh, dear, what can the matter be?"

"And what did you reply?" "Sweet Kitty Clover, you bother me so!"

"Where did you last see her?" "Near the lakes, where drooped the willow."

"What did she say to you, when you were in the act of leaving?" "A place in thy memory, dearest!"

"Do you still love her?" "'Tis said that absence conquers love."

"What are your possessions?" "The harp that once through Tara's halls--"

"What do you propose to do with it?" "I'll hang my harp on a willow tree."

"Where do you expect to make a living?" "Over the water with Charley."

AN INSCRIPTION.

MR. CAMPBELL, a Highland gentleman, through whose estate in Argyleshire runs the military road which was made under the direction of General Wade, in grateful commemoration of its benefits, placed a stone seat on the top of a hill, where the weary traveler may repose, after the labour of his ascent, and on which is judiciously inscribed, _Rest, and be thankful_. It has, also, the following sublime distich:

"Had you seen this road, _before it was made_, You would lift up your hands, and bless General Wade."

PUN ALPHABETICAL.

"THERE was a man hanged this morning; one _Vowel_." "Well, let us be thankful, _it was neither U nor I_."

SHAKSPEAREAN COOKERY.

AN argument took place in a coffee-house, between two men of _taste_, as to the best method of dressing a beefsteak. They referred the matter to a comedian, who, having an eye to the _shop_, said he preferred Shakspeare's recipe to either of theirs, "Shakspeare's recipe!" they both exclaimed. "Aye, Shakspeare's recipe:

'If when 'twere done, 'twere well done, then 'twere well, It were done quickly.'"

A REPROOF.

MR. KING and Mr. Lewis walking together in Birmingham, a chimney sweeper and his boy passed them. The lad stared at them, exclaiming, "They be players!" "Hush! you dog," says the old sweep, "you don't know what you may come to yourself yet."

A REASONABLE BILL.

AN undertaker waited on a gentleman, with the bill for the burial of his wife, amounting to 67_l._ "That's a vast sum," said the widower, "for laying a silent female horizontally; you must have made some mistake!" "Not in the least," answered the coffin-monger, "handsome hearse--three coaches and six, well-dressed mutes, handsome pall--nobody, your honor, could do it for less." The gentleman rejoined: "It is a large sum, Mr. Crape; but as I am satisfied the poor woman would have given twice as much to bury me, I must not be behind her in an act of kindness; there is a check for the amount."

A PARTNERSHIP.

THE Marquis della Scallas, an Italian nobleman, giving a grand entertainment, his major domo informed him that there was a fisherman below with a remarkably fine fish, but who demanded for it a very uncommon price--he won't take any money, but insists on a hundred strokes of the strappado on his bare shoulders. The marquis surprised, ordered him in, when he persisted in his demand. To humor him the marquis complied, telling his groom not to lay on too hard. When he had received the fiftieth lash, he cried, "Hold! I have got a partner, to whom I have engaged that he should have half of whatever I was to receive for my fish--your lordship's porter, who would admit me only on that condition." It is almost unnecessary to add, that the porter had his share well paid, and that the fisherman got the full value for his prize.

LIFE INSURANCE.

JAMES II., when Duke of York, found his brother, King Charles, in Hyde-park, unattended, at what was considered a perilous time. The duke expressed his surprise that his majesty should venture alone in so public a place. "James," said the king, "take care of yourself; no man in England will kill me to make you king."

AN IRISH NOTICE.

IN a pool across a road in the county of Tipperary is stuck up a pole, having affixed to it a board, with this inscription: "_Take notice, that when the water is over this board the road is impassable._"

MOUTHS AND MEAT.

A POOR man, with a family of seven children, complained to his richer neighbor of his hard case, his heavy family, and the inequality of fortune. The other callously observed, that whenever Providence sent mouths it sent meat. "True," said the former, "but it has sent to you the _meat_, and me the _mouths_."

THE BENEFIT OF LYING.

A FELLOW was tried for stealing, and it was satisfactorily proved that he had acknowledged the theft to several persons, yet the jury acquitted him. The judge, surprised, asked their reason. The foreman said that he and his fellows knew the prisoner to be such an abominable liar, that they could not believe one word he said.

A BROAD HINT.

A GERMAN prince being one day on a balcony with a foreign minister, told him, "One of my predecessors made an ambassador leap down from this balcony." "Perhaps," said his excellency, "it was not the fashion then for ambassadors to wear swords."

PREFERMENT.

AN auctioneer having turned publican, was soon after thrown into the King's Bench; on which the following paragraph appeared in the Morning Post: "Mr. A., who lately quitted the _pulpit_ for the _bar_, has been promoted to the _bench_."

SHOES MISUSED.

A LADY bespoke a pair of dress shoes from an eminent shoemaker in Jermyn-street. When they were brought home she was delighted with them. She put them on the same evening, and went to a ball, where she danced. Next day, examining her favorite shoes, she found them almost in pieces. She sent for the tradesman, and showed him them. "Good God!" said he, "it is not possible." At length, recollecting himself, he added, "How stupid I am! as sure as death your ladyship must have _walked in them_."

A SUPPOSITION.

IN the time of the persecution of the protestants in France, the English ambassador solicited of Louis XIV. the liberation of those sent to the galleys on account of their religion. "What," answered the monarch, "would the king of England say, were I to demand the liberation of the prisoners in Newgate?" "The king, my master," replied the minister, "would grant them to your majesty, if you reclaimed them as brothers."

A CHARACTER SUPPORTED.

A BEGGAR asking alms under the character of a poor scholar, a gentleman put the question, _Quomodo vales?_ The fellow, shaking his head, said he did not understand his honor. "Why," said the gentleman, "did you not say you were a poor scholar?" "Yes," replied the other, "a very poor scholar; so much so that I don't understand a word of Latin."

AN ESPECIAL FAVOR.

A BARONET scientifically skilled in pugilism, enjoyed no pleasure so much as giving gratuitous instructions in his favorite art. A peer paying him a visit, they had a sparring-match, in the course of which he seized his lordship behind, and threw him over his head with a violent shock. The nobleman not relishing this rough usage, "My lord," said the baronet, respectfully, "I assure you that I never show this manoeuvre except to my particular friends."

A CHARM.

BUCHANAN the historian was, from his learning, thought in his days of superstition to be a wizard. An old woman, who kept an ale-house in St. Andrews, consulted George, in hopes that by necromantic arts he might restore her custom, which was unaccountably decreasing. He readily promised his aid. "Every time you brew, Maggy," says he, "go three times to the left round the copper, and at each round take out a ladle-full of water in the devil's name; then turn three times round to the right, and each time throw in a ladle-full of malt in God's name; but above all, wear this charm constantly on your breast, and never during your life attempt to open it, or dread the worst." She strictly conformed, and her business increased astonishingly. On her death her friends ventured to open and examine the charm, when they found it to contain these words:

"If Maggy will brew good ale, Maggy will have good sale."

SHORT DIALOGUE.

_Lady_: You can not imagine, captain, how deeply I feel the want of children, surrounded as I am by every comfort--nothing else is wanting to render me supremely happy.

_Captain O'Flinn_: Faith, ma'am, I've heard o' that complaint running in families; p'rhaps your mother had not any childer either?

A BLUNT WITNESS.

AT a late term of the Court of Sessions a man was brought up by a farmer, accused of stealing some ducks.

"How do you know they are your ducks?" asked the defendant's counsel.

"Oh, I should know them _any_ where," replied the farmer; and he went on to describe their different peculiarities.

"Why," said the prisoner's counsel, "those ducks can't be such a rare breed; I have some very like them in my own yard."

"That's not unlikely, Sir," replied the farmer; "they are not the _only_ ducks I have had stolen lately!"

"Call the _next_ witness!"

QUESTION SOLVED.

A MATHEMATICIAN being asked by a stout fellow,

"If two pigs weigh twenty pounds, how much will a large hog weigh?"

"Jump into the scales," was the reply, "and I'll tell you in a minute!"

The mathematician "had him there!"

SCOTTISH THEATRICALS.

A COMPANY of performers announced in their bills the opening of a theatre at Montrose, with the Farce of _The Devil to Pay_, to be followed with the Comedy of _The West Indian_. Adverse winds, however, prevented the arrival of their scenes from Aberdeen, in time for representation, on the evening appointed. It was therefore found necessary to give notice of the postponement of the performance, which was thus delivered by the town-crier:

"O yes! O yes! O yes! this is to let you to wit, that the play-ackers havena' got their screens up yet frae Aberdeen, and so canna begin the night; but on Monday night, God willing, there will be _the Deevil to pay in the West Indies_."

THE CUNNING FOOL.

A GENTLEMAN had a son who was deemed an idiot. The little fellow, when nine or ten years of age, was fond of drumming, and once dropt his drum-stick into the draw-well. He knew that his carelessness would be punished by its not being searched for, and therefore did not mention his loss, but privately took a large silver punch-ladle, and dropped it into the same well. Strict inquiry took place; the servants all pleaded ignorance, and looked with suspicion on each other; when the young gentleman, who had thrust himself into the circle, said he had observed something shine at the bottom of the draw-well. A fellow was dropt down in the bucket, and soon bawled out from the bottom, "I have found the punch-ladle, so wind me up." "Stop," roared out the lad, "stop, _now your hand's in, you may as well bring up my drum-stick_."

THE DEAN INSTRUCTED.

A GENTLEMAN having sent a turbot as a present to Swift, the servant who carried it entered the doctor's study abruptly, and laying down the fish, said, "Master has sent you this turbot." "Heyday! young man," exclaimed the Dean, "is this the way you behave yourself? Let me teach you better. Sit down on this chair, and I will show you how to deliver such a message." The boy sat down, and the Dean going to the door, with the fish in his hand, came up to the table, and making a low bow, said, "Sir, my master presents his kind compliments, and begs your acceptance of this turbot." "Does he?" answered the boy, assuming all the consequence of his situation. "Here, John! (_ringing_,) take this honest lad down to the kitchen, and let him have as much as he can eat and drink; then send him up to me, and I'll give him half a crown."

ADVICE.

A GENTLEMAN, who used to frequent the Chapter Coffee-house, being unwell, thought he might make so free as to steal an opinion concerning his case; accordingly, one day he took an opportunity of asking one of the faculty, who sat in the same box with him, what he should take for such a complaint? "I'll tell you," said the doctor, "you should _take advice_."

MIRACLE OF MIRACLES.

THE author of the life of St. Francis Xavier, asserts, that "by one sermon he converted _ten thousand persons_ in a _desert_ island."

CREDAT JUDÆUS APELLA, NON EGO.

A GENTLEMAN, talking of the tenacity of life in turtles, asserted that he had himself seen the head of one, which had been cut off three weeks, open its jaws. The circle around did not exactly contradict him, but exhibited expressive appearances of incredulity. The historian referred himself to a stranger, whose polite attention to the tale flattered him that it had received his full credence, which was corroborated by the other observing that he had himself seen strong instances of the turtle's tenaciousness of life. The stranger answered, "Your account is a very extraordinary one; could you have believed it if you had not seen it yourself?" The narrator readily answered, "No." "Then," replied the other, to his infinite mortification, and the gratification of the company, "I hope you will pardon me if I do not believe it."

WARNING.

A SERVANT telling her master that she was going to give her mistress warning, as she kept scolding her from morning till night, he exclaimed with a sigh, "Happy girl! I wish I could give her warning too!"

IRISH RECRUITING.

A SERJEANT enlisted a recruit, who on inspection turned out to be a woman. Being asked by his officer how he made such a blunder, he said, "Plase your honor I could not help it; I enlisted this _girl_ for a _man_, and _he_ turns out to be a _woman_."

SCENE IN A POLICE OFFICE.

THE prisoner in this case, whose name was Dickey Swivel, alias "Stove Pipe Pete," was placed at the bar, and questioned by the Judge to the following effect:

_Judge_: Bring the prisoner into court.

_Pete_: Here I am, bound to blaze, as the spirits of turpentine said, when he was all a fire.

_Judge_: We'll take a little fire out of you. How do you live?

_Pete_: I ain't particular, as the oyster said when they asked if he'd be roasted or fried.

_Judge_: We don't want to know what the oyster said or the turpentine either. What do you follow?

_Pete_: Anything that comes in my way, as the engine said when he run over a little nigger.

_Judge_: Don't care anything about the locomotive. What's your business?

_Pete_: That's various, as the cat said when she stole the chicken off the table.

_Judge_: If I hear any more absurd comparisons, I will give you twelve months.

_Pete_: I am done, as the beef steak said to the cook.

_Judge_: Now, Sir, your punishment shall depend on the shortness and correctness of your answers. I suppose you live by going around the docks?

_Pete_: No, Sir. I can't go around docks without a boat, and I hain't got none.

_Judge_: Answer me now, Sir. How do you get your bread?

_Pete_: Sometimes at the baker's, and sometimes I eat taters.

_Judge_: No more of your stupid nonsense. How do you support yourself?

_Pete_: Sometimes on my legs, and sometimes on a cheer, (chair.)

_Judge_: How do you keep yourself alive?

_Pete_: By breathing, Sir.

_Judge_: I order you to answer this question correctly. How do you do?

_Pete_: Pretty well, thank you, Judge. How do _you_ do?

_Judge_: I shall have to commit you.

_Pete_: Well, you have committed yourself first, that's some consolation.

CHEAP TRAVELING.

A YOUTH of more vanity than talent, bragging that during his travels he never troubled his father for remittances, and being asked how he lived on the road, answered, "_By my wits._" "Then," replied his friend, "you must have traveled _very cheaply_."

NAUTICAL POLEMICS.

TWO sailors on board of a man of war had a sort of religious dispute over their grog, in which one of them referred to the _apostle Paul_. "He was no apostle," said the other; and this minor question, after much altercation, they agreed to refer to the boatswain's mate, who after some consideration declared "that Paul was certainly never _rated_ as an apostle on the books, because he is not in the list, which consisted only of twelve; but then he was an _acting apostle_."

THE BEST CUSTOMERS.

DR. RADCLIFF and Dr. Case being together in a jovial company over their bottle, the former, filling his glass, said, "Come, brother Case, here's to all the fools that are your patients." "I thank you, my wise brother Radcliff," answered Case, "let me have all the fools, and you are heartily welcome to all the rest of the practice."

A WEST INDIA LEGISLATOR.

IN the Jamaica House of Assembly, a motion being made for leave to bring in a bill to prevent the frauds of wharfingers, Mr. Paul Phipps, member for St. Andrew, rose and said, "Mr. Speaker, I second the motion; the wharfingers are to a man a set of rogues; I know it well; _I was one myself for ten years_."

THY OWN MOUTH SHALL CONDEMN THEE.

A PLAYER applied to the manager of a respectable country company for an engagement for himself and his wife, stating that his lady was capable of all the first line of business; but as to himself, he was _the worst actor in the world_. They were engaged, and the lady answered the character given of her. The husband having had the part of a mere walking gentleman sent him for his first appearance, asked the manager, indignantly, how he could put him into so paltry a part. "Sir," answered the other, "here is your own letter, stating that you are the worst actor in the world." "True," replied the other, "but then I had not seen you."

AVOID ALL OFFENCE.

DURING the riots of 1780, when most persons, to save their houses, wrote on their doors, _No popery_, Grimaldi, to avoid all mistakes, chalked up on his, _No religion_.

A LIBERAL PRICE.

LOUIS XI. in his youth used to visit a peasant, whose garden produced excellent fruit. When he ascended the throne, his friend presented him a turnip of extraordinary size. The king smiled, and remembering his past pleasures, ordered a thousand crowns to the peasant. The lord of the village hearing of this liberality, thus argued with himself: "If this fellow get a thousand crowns for his turnip, I have only to present a capital horse to the munificent monarch, and my fortune is made." Accordingly he carries to court a beautiful barb, and requests his majesty's acceptance of it. Louis highly praised the steed, and the donor's expectation was raised to the highest, when the king called out, "Bring me my turnip!" and presenting it to the seigneur, added, "This turnip cost me a thousand crowns, and I give it you for your horse."

A PRECEDENT.

IN a trial in the King's Bench, Mr. Erskine, counsel for the defendant, was charged by his opponent with traveling out of his way. Mr. Erskine in answer said, it reminded him of the celebrated Whitefield, who being accused by some of his audience of rambling in his discourse, answered, "If you will ramble to the devil, I must ramble after you."

A CONVENIENT NAP.

AN Oxford scholar, calling early one morning on another, when in bed, says,

"Jack, are you asleep?"

"Why?"

"Because, I want to borrow half a crown of you."

"Then I am asleep."

LITERARY CORRESPONDENCE.

DR. JOHNSON, about the end of the year 1754, completed the copy of his dictionary, not more to his own satisfaction, than that of Mr. Millar, his bookseller, who, on receiving the concluding sheet, sent him the following note:

"Andrew Millar sends his compliments to Mr. Samuel Johnson, with the money for the last sheet of the copy of the dictionary, and thanks God he has done with him."

To which, the lexicographer returned the following answer:

"Samuel Johnson returns his compliments to Mr. Andrew Millar, and is very glad to find, as he does by his note, that Andrew Millar has the grace to thank God for anything."

A PROPER ADDRESS.

THE keeper of a mad-house, in a village near London, published an address in a newspaper, inviting customers, and commencing with, "Worthy the attention of the insane!"

A DEBT OF HONOR.

MOODY, the actor, was robbed of his watch and money. He begged the highwayman to let him have cash enough to carry him to town, and the fellow said, "Well, master Moody, as I know you, I'll lend you half a guinea; but, remember, honor among thieves!" A few days after, he was taken, and Moody hearing that he was at the Brown Bear, in Bow street, went to enquire after his watch; but when he began to speak of it, the fellow exclaimed, "Is that what you want? I thought you had come to pay the half guinea you borrowed of me."

A RELIC.

A STUDENT, showing the Museum at Oxford to a party, among other things produced a rusty sword. "This," said he, "is the sword with which Balaam was going to kill his ass." "I thought," said one of the company, "that Balaam had no sword, but only wished for one." "You are right, sir," replied the student, nowise abashed, "this is the very sword he wished for."

STUPIDITY PERSONIFIED.

M. BOURET, a French farmer-general, of immense fortune, _but stupid to a proverb_, being one day present, when two noblemen were engaged, in a party, at piquet, one of them happening to play a wrong card, exclaimed, "Oh, what a Bouret I am!" Offended at this liberty, Bouret said instantly, "Sir, you are an ass." "_The very thing I meant_," replied the other.

THE DIFFICULTY SURMOUNTED.

EXECUTIONS not being very frequent in Sweden there are a great number of towns in that country without an executioner. In one of these a criminal was sentenced to be hanged which occasioned some little embarrassment, as it obliged them to bring a hangman from a distance at a considerable expense, besides the customary fee of two crowns. A young tradesman, belonging to the city council, giving his sentiments, said, "I think, gentlemen, we had best give the malefactor the two crowns, and let him go and be hanged where he pleases."

HUMOROUS MISTAKES.

THE humors of the telegraph are very amusing. A year or so since, the agent of the Delaware and Hudson Freighting Line, at Honesdale, Pennsylvania, sent the following dispatch to the agent at New York: