Chapter 11

Ez fer the niggers, I 've been South, an' thet hez changed my mind; A lazier, more ungrateful set you could n't nowers find. You know I mentioned in my last thet I should buy a nigger, Ef I could make a purchase at a pooty mod'rate figger; So, ez there 's nothin' in the world I 'm fonder of 'an gunnin', I closed a bargin finally to take a feller runnin'. I shou'dered queen's-arm an' stumped out, an' wen I come t' th' swamp, 'T worn't very long afore I gut upon the nest o' Pomp; I come acrost a kin' o' hut, an', playin' round the door, Some little woolly-headed cubs, ez many 'z six or more. At fust I thought o' firin', but _think twice_ is safest ollers; There aint, thinks I, not one on em' but 's wuth his twenty dollars, Or would be, ef I hed 'em back into a Christian land,-- How temptin' all on 'em would look upon an auction-stand! (Not but wut _I_ hate Slavery in th' abstract, stem to starn,-- I leave it ware our fathers did, a privit State consarn.) Soon 'z they see _me_, they yelled an' run, but Pomp wuz out ahoein' A leetle patch o' corn he hed, or else there aint no knowin' He would n't ha' took a pop at me; but I hed gut the start, An' wen he looked, I vow he groaned ez though he'd broke his heart; He done it like a wite man, tu, ez nat'ral ez a pictur, The imp'dunt, pis'nous hypocrite! wus 'an a boy constrictur. "You can 't gum _me_, I tell ye now, an' so you need n't try, I 'xpect my eye-teeth every mail, so jest shet up," sez I. "Don't go to actin' ugly now, or else I 'll jest let strip, You 'd best draw kindly, seein' 'z how I 've gut ye on the hip; Besides, you darned ole fool, it aint no gret of a disaster To be benev'lently druv back to a contented master, Ware you hed Christian priv'ledges you don't seem quite aware of, Or you 'd ha' never run away from bein' well took care of; Ez fer kin' treatment, wy, he wuz so fond on ye, he said He 'd give a fifty spot right out, to git ye, 'live or dead; Wite folks aint sot by half ez much; 'member I run away, Wen I wuz bound to Cap'n Jakes, to Mattysqumscot bay; Don' know him, likely? Spose not; wal, the mean ole codger went An' offered--wut reward, think? Wal, it worn't no _less_ 'n a cent."

Wal, I jest gut 'em into line, an druv 'em on afore me, The pis'nous brutes, I 'd no idee o' the ill-will they bore me; We walked till som'ers about noon, an' then it grew so hot I thought it best to camp awile, so I chose out a spot Jest under a magnoly tree, an' there right down I sot; Then I unstrapped my wooden leg, coz it begun to chafe, An' laid it down jest by my side, supposin' all wuz safe; I made my darkies all set down around me in a ring, An' sot an' kin' o' ciphered up how much the lot would bring; But, wile I drinked the peaceful cup of a pure heart an' mind (Mixed with some wiskey, now an' then), Pomp he snaked up behind, An', creepin' grad'lly close tu, ez quiet ez a mink, Jest grabbed my leg, and then pulled foot, quicker 'an you could wink, An', come to look, they each on 'em hed gut behin' a tree, An' Pomp poked out the leg a piece, jest so ez I could see, An' yelled to me to throw away my pistils an' my gun, Or else thet they 'd cair off the leg an' fairly cut the run. I vow I did n't b'lieve there wuz a decent alligatur Thet hed a heart so destitoot o' common human natur; However, ez there worn't no help, I finally gev in An' heft my arms away to git my leg safe back agin. Pomp gethered all the weapins up, an' then he come an' grinned, He showed his ivory some, I guess, an' sez, "You 're fairly pinned; Jest buckle on your leg agin, an' git right up an' come, 'T wun't du fer fammerly men like me to be so long from hum." At fust I put my foot right down an' swore I would n't budge. "Jest ez you choose," sez he, quite cool, "either be shot or trudge." So this black-hearted monster took an' act'lly druv me back Along the very feetmarks o' my happy mornin' track, An' kep' me pris'ner 'bout six months, an' worked me, tu, like sin, Till I bed gut his corn an' his Carliny taters in; He made me larn him readin', tu (although the crittur saw How much it hurt my morril sense to act agin the law), So 'st he could read a Bible he 'd gut; an' axed ef I could pint The North Star out; but there I put his nose some out o' jint, Fer I weeled roun' about sou'west, an', lookin' up a bit, Picked out a middlin' shiny one an' tole him thet wuz it. Fin'lly, he took me to the door, an', givin' me a kick, Sez,--"Ef you know wut 's best fer ye, be off, now, double-quick; The winter-time 's a comin' on, an', though I gut ye cheap, You 're so darned lazy, I don't think you 're hardly wuth your keep; Besides, the childrin's growin' up, an' you aint jest the model I 'd like to hev 'em immertate, an' so you 'd better toddle!"

Now is there any thin' on airth 'll ever prove to me Thet renegader slaves like him air fit fer bein' free? D' you think they 'll suck me in to jine the Buff'lo chaps, an' them Rank infidels thet go agin the Scriptur'l cus o' Shem? Not by a jugfull! sooner 'n thet, I 'd go thru fire an' water; Wen I hev once made up my mind, a meet'nhus aint sotter; No, not though all the crows thet flies to pick my bones wuz cawin',-- I guess we 're in a Christian land,--

Yourn,

BIRDOFREDUM SAWIN.

[Here, patient reader, we take leave of each other, I trust with some mutual satisfaction. I say _patient_, for I love not that kind which skims dippingly over the surface of the page, as swallows over a pool before rain. By such no pearls shall be gathered. But if no pearls there be (as, indeed, the world is not without example of books wherefrom the longest-winded diver shall bring up no more than his proper handful of mud), yet let us hope that an oyster or two may reward adequate perseverance. If neither pearls nor oysters, yet is patience itself a gem worth diving deeply for.

It may seem to some that too much space has been usurped by my own private lucubrations, and some may be fain to bring against me that old jest of him who preached all his hearers out of the meeting-house save only the sexton, who, remaining for yet a little space, from a sense of official duty, at last gave out also, and, presenting the keys, humbly requested our preacher to lock the doors, when he should have wholly relieved himself of his testimony. I confess to a satisfaction in the self act of preaching, nor do I esteem a discourse to be wholly thrown away even upon a sleeping or unintelligent auditory. I cannot easily believe that the Gospel of St. John, which Jacques Cartier ordered to be read in the Latin tongue to the Canadian savages, upon his first meeting with them, fell altogether upon stony ground. For the earnestness of the preacher is a sermon appreciable by dullest intellects and most alien ears. In this wise did Episcopius convert many to his opinions, who yet understood not the language in which he discoursed. The chief thing is, that the messenger believe that he has an authentic message to deliver. For counterfeit messengers that mode of treatment which Father John de Plano Carpini relates to have prevailed among the Tartars would seem effectual, and, perhaps, deserved enough. For my own part, I may lay claim to so much of the spirit of martyrdom as would have led me to go into banishment with those clergymen whom Alphonso the Sixth of Portugal drave out of his kingdom for refusing to shorten their pulpit eloquence. It is possible, that, having been invited into my brother Biglow's desk, I may have been too little scrupulous in using it for the venting of my own peculiar doctrines to a congregation drawn together in the expectation and with the desire of hearing him.

I am not wholly unconscious of a peculiarity of mental organization which impels me, like the railroad-engine with its train of cars, to run backward for a short distance in order to obtain a fairer start. I may compare myself to one fishing from the rocks when the sea runs high, who, misinterpreting the suction of the undertow for the biting of some larger fish, jerks suddenly, and finds that he has _caught bottom_, hauling in upon the end of his line a trail of various _algæ_, among which, nevertheless, the naturalist may haply find somewhat to repay the disappointment of the angler. Yet have I conscientiously endeavoured to adapt myself to the impatient temper of the age, daily degenerating more and more from the high standard of our pristine New England. To the catalogue of lost arts I would mournfully add also that of listening to two-hour sermons. Surely we have been abridged into a race of pigmies. For, truly, in those of the old discourses yet subsisting to us in print, the endless spinal column of divisions and subdivisions can be likened to nothing so exactly as to the vertebræ of the saurians, whence the theorist may conjecture a race of Anakim proportionate to the withstanding of these other monsters. I say Anakim rather than Nephelim, because there seem reasons for supposing that the race of those whose heads (though no giants) are constantly enveloped in clouds (which that name imports) will never become extinct. The attempt to vanquish the innumerable _heads_ of one of those aforementioned discourses may supply us with a plausible interpretation of the second labour of Hercules, and his successful experiment with fire affords us a useful precedent.

But while I lament the degeneracy of the age in this regard, I cannot refuse to succumb to its influence. Looking out through my study-window, I see Mr. Biglow at a distance busy in gathering his Baldwins, of which, to judge by the number of barrels lying about under the trees, his crop is more abundant than my own,--by which sight I am admonished to turn to those orchards of the mind wherein my labours may be more prospered, and apply myself diligently to the preparation of my next Sabbath's discourse.--H. W.]

GLOSSARY.

A.

Act'lly, _actually_.

Air, _are_.

Airth, _earth_.

Airy, _area_.

Aree, _area_.

Arter, _after_.

Ax, _ask_.

B.

Beller, _bellow_.

Bellowses, _lunge_.

Ben, _been_.

Bile, _boil_.

Bimeby, _by and by_.

Blurt out, _to speak bluntly_.

Bust, _burst_.

Buster, _a roistering blade_; used also as a general superlative.

C.

Caird, _carried_.

Cairn, _carrying_.

Caleb, _a turncoat_.

Cal'late, _calculate_.

Cass, _a person with two lives_.

Close, _clothes_.

Cockerel, _a young cock_.

Cocktail, _a kind of drink_; also, _an ornament peculiar to soldiers_.

Convention, _a place where people are imposed on_; _a juggler's show_.

Coons, _a cant term for a now defunct party_; derived, perhaps, from the fact of their being commonly _up a tree_.

Cornwallis, _a sort of muster in masquerade_; supposed to have had its origin soon after the Revolution, and to commemorate the surrender of Lord Cornwallis. It took the place of the old Guy Fawkes procession.

Crooked stick, _a perverse, froward person_.

Cunnle, _a colonel_.

Cus, _a curse_; also, _a pitiful fellow_.

D.

Darsn't, used indiscriminately, either in singular or plural number, for _dare not_, _dares not_, and _dared not_.

Deacon off, _to give the cue to_; derived from a custom, once universal, but now extinct, in our New England Congregational churches. An important part of the office of deacon was to read aloud the hymns _given out_ by the minister, one line at a time, the congregation singing each line as soon as read.

Demmercrat, leadin', _one in favour of extending slavery_; _a free-trade lecturer maintained in the custom-house_.

Desput, _desperate_.

Doos, _does_.

Doughface, _a contented lick-spittle_; a common variety of Northern politician.

Dror, _draw_.

Du, _do_.

Dunno, dno, _do not_ or _does not know_.

Dut, _dirt_.

E.

Eend, _end_.

Ef, _if_.

Emptins, _yeast_.

Env'y, _envoy_.

Everlasting, an intensive, without reference to duration.

Ev'y, _every_.

Ez, _as_.

F.

Fer, _for_.

Ferfle, ferful, _fearful_; also an intensive.

Fin', _find_.

Fish-skin, used in New England to clarify coffee.

Fix, _a difficulty_, _a nonplus_.

Foller, folly, _to follow_.

Forrerd, _forward_.

Frum, _from_.

Fur, _far_.

Furder, _farther_.

Furrer, _furrow_. Metaphorically, _to draw a straight furrow_ is to live uprightly or decorously.

Fust, _first_.

G.

Gin, _gave_.

Git, _get_.

Gret, _great_.

Grit, _spirit_, _energy_, _pluck_.

Grout, _to sulk_.

Grouty, _crabbed_, _surly_.

Gum, _to impose on_.

Gump, _a foolish fellow_, _a dullard_.

Gut, _got_.

H.

Hed, _had_.

Heern, _heard_.

Hellum, _helm_.

Hendy, _handy_.

Het, _heated_.

Hev, _have_.

Hez, _has_.

Holl, _whole_.

Holt, _hold_.

Huf, _hoof_.

Hull, _whole_.

Hum, _home_.

Humbug, _General Taylor's antislavery_.

Hut, _hurt_.

I.

Idno, _I do not know_.

In'my, _enemy_.

Insines, _ensigns_; used to designate both the officer who carries the standard, and the standard itself.

Inter, intu, _into_.

J.

Jedge, _judge_.

Jest, _just_.

Jine, _join_.

Jint, _joint_.

Junk, _a fragment of any solid substance_.

K.

Keer, _care_.

Kep, _kept_.

Killock, _a small anchor_.

Kin', kin' o', kinder, _kind_, _kind of_.

L.

Lawth, _loath_.

Let day-light into, _to shoot_.

Let on, _to hint_, _to confess_, _to own_.

Lick, _to beat_, _to overcome_.

Lights, _the bowels_.

Lily-pads, _leaves of the water-lily_.

Long-sweetening, _molasses_.

Loon, _the northern diver_.

M.

Mash, _marsh_.

Mean, _stingy_, _ill-natured_.

Min', _mind_.

N.

Ned, a slang phrase, going it like Ned, equivalent to our 'going like old Harry.'

Nimepunce, _ninepence_, _twelve and a half cents_.

Nowers, _nowhere_.

O.

Offen, _often_.

Ole, _old_.

Ollers, olluz, _always_.

On, _of_; used before _it_ or _them_, or at the end of a sentence, as _on 't_, _on 'em_, _nut ez ever I heerd on_.

On'y, _only_.

Ossifer, _officer_ (seldom heard).

P.

Peaked, _pointed_.

Peek, _to peep_.

Pickerel, _the pike, a fish_.

Pint, _point_.

Pocket full of rocks, _plenty of money_.

Pooty, _pretty_.

Pop'ler, _conceited_, _popular_.

Pus, _purse_.

Put out, _troubled_, _vexed_.

Q.

Quarter, _a quarter-dollar_.

Queen's arm, _a musket_.

R.

Resh, _rush_.

Revelee, _the réveille_.

Rile, _to trouble_.

Riled, _angry_; _disturbed_, as the sediment in any liquid.

Riz, _risen_.

Row, a long row to hoe, _a difficult task_.

Rugged, _robust_.

Row-de-dow, _troublesome talk_.

S.

Sarse, _abuse_, _impertinence_.

Sartin, _certain_.

Saxon, _sacristan_, _sexton_.

Scaliest, _worst_.

Scringe, _cringe_.

Scrouge, _to crowd_.

Sech, _such_.

Set by, _valued_.

Shakes, great, _of considerable consequence_.

Shappoes, _chapeaux_, _cocked-hats_.

Sheer, _share_.

Shet, _shut_.

Shine, _a fancy or liking_, also written _shindy_.

Shut, _shirt_.

Skeered, _scared_.

Skeeter, _mosquito_.

Skooting, _running_ or _moving swiftly_.

Slarterin', _slaughtering_.

Slim, _contemptible_.

Snaked, _crawled like a snake_; but _to snake any one out_, is to track him to his hiding-place; _to snake a thing out_ is to snatch it out.

Soffies, _sofas_.

Sogerin', _soldiering_; a barbarous amusement common among men in the savage state.

Som'ers, _somewhere_.

So 'st, _so as that_.

Sot, _set_, _obstinate_, _resolute_.

Spiles, _spoils_; _objects of political ambition_.

Spry, _active_.

Staddles, _stout stakes driven into the salt marshes_, on which the hay-ricks are set, and thus raised out of the reach of high tides.

Streaked, _uncomfortable_, _discomfited_.

Suckle, _circle_.

Sutthin', _something_.

Suttin, _certain_.

Swan, _to swear_.

T.

Take on, _to sorrow_.

Talents, _talons_.

Taters, _potatoes_.

Tell, _till_.

Tetch, _touch_.

Tetch tu, _to be able_; used always after a negative in this sense.

Tollable, _tolerable_.

Toot, used derisively _for playing on any wind instrument_.

Thru, _through_.

Thundering, a euphemism common in New England, for the profane English expression _devilish_. Perhaps derived from the belief, common formerly, that thunder was caused by the Prince of the Air, for some of whose accomplishments consult Cotton Mather.

Tu, _to_, _too_; commonly has this sound when used emphatically, or at the end of a sentence. At other times it has the sound of _t_ in _tough_, as _Ware ye goin' tu? Goin' ta Boston_.

U.

Ugly, _ill-tempered_, _intractable_.

Uncle Sam, _United States_; the largest boaster of liberty and owner of slaves.

Unrizzest, applied to dough or bread; _heavy_, _most unrisen_, or _most incapable of rising_.

V

V spot, _a five-dollar bill_.

Vally, _value_.

W.

Wake snakes, _to get into trouble_.

Wal, _well_; spoken with great deliberation, and sometimes with the _a_ very much flattened, sometimes (but more seldom) very much broadened.

Wannut, _walnut_ (_hickory_).

Ware, _where_.

Ware, _were_.

Whopper, _an uncommonly large lie_; as, that General Taylor is in favour of the Wilmot Proviso.

Wig, _Whig_; a party now dissolved.

Wiz, _to whiz_; _go off_ (like a rocket).

Wunt, _will not_.

Wus, _worse_.

Wut, _what_.

Wuth, _worth_; as, _Antislavery perfessions 'fore 'lection aint wuth a Bungtown copper_.

Wuz, _was_, sometimes _were_.

Y.

Yaller, _yellow_.

Yeller, _yellow_.

Yellers, _a disease of peach-trees_.

Z.

Zach, Ole, _a second Washington_, _an antislavery slaveholder_, _a humane buyer and seller of men and women_, _a Christian hero generally_.

INDEX.

A. B., information wanted concerning, 76.

Adam, eldest son of, respected, 10.

Æneas goes to hell, 101.

Æolus, a seller of money, as is supposed by some, 101.

Æschylus, a saying of, 51, _note_.

Alligator, a decent one conjectured to be, in some sort, humane, 120.

Alphonso the Sixth of Portugal, tyrannical act of, 120.

Ambrose, Saint, excellent (but rationalistic) sentiment of, 35.

"American Citizen," new compost so called, 104.

American Eagle, a source of inspiration, 45 --hitherto wrongly classed, 51 --long bill of, 51.

Amos, cited, 34.

Anakim, that they formerly existed, shown, 124.

Angels, providentially speak French, 23 --conjectured to be skilled in all tongues, _ib._

Anglo-Saxondom, its idea, what, 21.

Anglo-Saxon mask, 21.

Anglo-Saxon race, 16.

Anglo-Saxon verse, by whom carried to perfection, 11.

Antonius, a speech of, 40 --by whom best reported, _ib._

Apocalypse, beast in, magnetic to theologians, 83.

Apollo, confessed mortal by his own oracle, 83.

Apollyon, his tragedies popular, 72.

Appian, an Alexandrian, not equal to Shakspeare as an orator, 40.

Ararat, ignorance of foreign tongues is an, 53.

Arcadian background, 106.

Aristophanes, 34.

Arms, profession of, once esteemed especially that of gentlemen, 10.

Arnold, 42.

Ashland, 106.

Astor, Jacob, a rich man, 91.

Astræa, nineteenth century forsaken by, 102.

Athenians, ancient, an institution of, 41.

Atherton, Senator, envies the loon, 60.

Austin, St., profane wish of, 43, _note_.

Aye-Aye, the, an African animal, America supposed to be settled by, 25.

Babel, probably the first Congress, 53 --a gabble-mill, _ib._

Baby, a low-priced one, 98.

Bagowind, Hon. Mr., whether to be damned, 63.

Baldwin apples, 125.

Baratarias, real or imaginary, which most pleasant, 102.

Barnum, a great natural curiosity recommended to, 49.

Barrels, an inference from seeing, 125.

Bâton Rouge, 106 --strange peculiarities of labourers at, 107.

Baxter, R., a saying of, 35.

Bay, Mattysqumscot, 119.

Bay State, singular effect produced on military officers by leaving it, 21.

Beast in Apocalypse, a loadstone, for whom, 83.

Beelzebub, his rigadoon, 61.

Behmen, his letters not letters, 76.

Bellers, a saloon-keeper, 111 --inhumanly refuses credit to a presidential candidate, 112.

Biglow, Ezekiel, his letter to Hon. J. T. Buckingham, 1 --never heard of any one named Mundishes, 2 --nearly four-score years old, _ib._ --his aunt Keziah, a notable saying of, 3.

Biglow, Hosea, excited by composition, 2 --a poem by, 3, 66 --his opinion of war, 4 --wanted at home by Nancy, 7 --recommends a forcible enlistment of warlike editors, _ib._ --would not wonder, if generally agreed with, 9 --versifies letter of Mr. Sawin, 11 --a letter from, 12, 57, 77 --his opinion of Mr. Sawin, 12 --does not deny fun at Cornwallis, 14, _note_ --his idea of militia glory, 17, _note_ --a pun of, 18, _note_ --is uncertain in regard to people of Boston, _ib._ --had never heard of Mr. John P. Robinson, 27 --_aliquid sufflaminandus_, 28 --his poems attributed to a Mr. Lowell, 33 --is unskilled in Latin, _ib._ --his poetry maligned by some, 34 --his disinterestedness, _ib._ --his deep share in commonweal, _ib._ --his claim to the presidency, _ib._ --his mowing, _ib._ --resents being called Whig, 35 --opposed to tariff, _ib._ --obstinate, _ib._ --infected with peculiar notions, _ib._ --reports a speech, 40 --emulates historians of antiquity, _ib._ --his character sketched from a hostile point of view, 52 --a request of his complied with, 64 --appointed at a public meeting in Jaalam, 77 --confesses ignorance, in one minute particular, of propriety, _ib._ --his opinion of cocked hats, _ib._ --letter to, _ib._ --called "Dear Sir," by a general, _ib._ --probably receives same compliment from two hundred and nine, _ib._ --picks his apples, 125 --his crop of Baldwins conjecturally large, _ib._

Billings, Dea. Cephas, 14.

Birch, virtue of, in instilling certain of the dead languages, 100.

Bird of our country sings hosanna, 16.

Blind, to go it, 98.

Blitz pulls ribbons from his mouth, 16.

Bluenose potatoes, smell of, eagerly desired, 17.

Bobtail obtains a cardinal's hat, 25.

Bolles, Mr. Secondary, author of prize peace essay, 15 --presents sword to Lieutenant Colonel, _ib._ --a fluent orator, _ib._ --found to be in error, 17.

Bonaparte, N., a usurper, 83.

Boot-trees, productive, where, 100.

Boston, people of, supposed educated, 18, _note_.

Brahmins, navel-contemplating, 74.

Bread-trees, 100.

Brigadier-Generals in militia, devotion of, 38.

Brown, Mr., engages in an unequal contest, 63.

Browne, Sir T., a pious and wise sentiment of, cited and commended, 11.

Buckingham, Hon. J. T., editor of the Boston Courier, letters to, 1, 12, 33, 57 --not afraid, 13.

Buffalo, a plan hatched there, 115 --plaster, a prophecy in regard to, _ib._

Buncombe, in the other world supposed, 41.

Bung, the eternal, thought to be loose, 7.

Bungtown Fencibles, dinner of, 26.

Butter in Irish bogs, 100.

C., General, commended for parts, 29 --for ubiquity, _ib._ --for consistency, _ib._ --for fidelity, _ib._ --is in favour of war, _ib._ --his curious valuation of principle, _ib._

Cæsar, tribute to, 66 --his _veni, vidi, vici_, censured for undue prolixity, 85.

Cainites, sect of, supposed still extant, 10.

Caleb, a monopoly of his denied, 15 --curious notions of, as to meaning of "shelter," 19 --his definition of Anglo-Saxon, 20 --charges Mexicans (not with bayonets, but) with improprieties, _ib._

Calhoun, Hon. J. C., his cow-bell curfew, light of the nineteenth century to be extinguished at sound of, 55 --cannot let go apron-string of the Past, _ib._ --his unsuccessful tilt at Spirit of the Age, 56 --the Sir Kay of modern chivalry, _ib._ --his anchor made of a crooked pin, 57 --mentioned, 58-61.