SCENE IV.--_An Apartment at Mr._ Hardy'_s_.

Villers _seated on a sopha, reading_.

_Enter_ Flutter.

_Flut._ Hah, Villers, have you seen Mrs. Racket?----Miss Hardy, I find, is out.

_Vill._ I have not seen her yet. I have made a voyage to Lapland since I came in. (_flinging away the book._) A Lady at her toilette is as difficult to be moved, as a Quaker, (_yawning_). What events have happened in the world since yesterday? have you heard?

_Flut._ Oh, yes; I stopt at Tattersall's as I came by, and there I found Lord James Jessamy, Sir William Wilding, and Mr.----. But, now I think of it, you sha'n't know a syllable of the matter; for I have been informed you never believe above one half of what I say.

_Vill._ My dear fellow, somebody has imposed upon you most egregiously!--Half! Why, I never believe one tenth part of what you say; that is, according to the plain and literal expression: but, as I understand you, your intelligence is amusing.

_Flut._ That's very hard now, very hard. I never related a falsity in my life, unless I stumbled on it by mistake; and if it were otherwise, your dull matter-of-fact people are infinitely oblig'd to those warm imaginations which soar into fiction to amuse you; for, positively, the common events of this little dirty world are not worth talking about, unless you embellish 'em!----Hah! here comes Mrs. Racket: Adieu to weeds, I see! All life!

_Enter Mrs._ Racket.

Enter, Madam, in all your charms! Villers has been abusing your toilette for keeping you so long; but I think we are much oblig'd to it, and so are you.

Mrs. _Rack._ How so, pray? Good-morning t'ye both. Here, here's a hand a-piece for you. (_They kiss her hands._)

_Flut._ How so! Because it has given you so many beauties.

Mrs. _Rack._ Delightful compliment! What do you think of that, Villers?

_Vill._ That he and his compliments are alike--shewy, but won't bear examining.----So you brought Miss Hardy to town last night?

Mrs. _Rack._ Yes, I should have brought her before, but I had a fall from my horse, that confined me a week.--I suppose in her heart she wished me hanged a dozen times an hour.

_Flut._ Why?

Mrs. _Rack._ Had she not an expecting Lover in town all the time? She meets him this morning at the Lawyer's.--I hope she'll charm him; she's the sweetest girl in the world.

_Vill._ Vanity, like murder, will out.--You have convinced me you think yourself more charming.

Mrs. _Rack._ How can that be?

_Vill._ No woman ever praises another, unless she thinks herself superior in the very perfections she allows.

_Flut._ Nor no man ever rails at the sex, unless he is conscious he deserves their hatred.

Mrs. _Rack._ Thank ye, Flutter--I'll owe ye a _bouquet_ for that. I am going to visit the new-married Lady Frances Touchwood.--Who knows her husband?

_Flut._ Every body.

Mrs. _Rack._ Is there not something odd in his character?

_Vill._ Nothing, but that he is passionately fond of his wife;--and so petulant is his love, that he open'd the cage of a favourite Bullfinch, and sent it to catch Butterflies, because she rewarded its song with her kisses.

Mrs. _Rack._ Intolerable monster! Such a brute deserves----

_Vill._ Nay, nay, nay, nay, this is your sex now----Give a woman but one stroke of character, off she goes, like a ball from a racket; sees the whole man, marks him down for an angel or a devil, and so exhibits him to her acquaintance.--This monster! this brute! is one of the worthiest fellows upon earth; sound sense, and a liberal mind; but doats on his wife to such excess, that he quarrels with every thing she admires, and is jealous of her tippet and nosegay.

Mrs. _Rack._ Oh, less love for me, kind Cupid! I can see no difference between the torment of such an affection, and hatred.

_Flut._ Oh, pardon me, inconceivable difference, inconceivable; I see it as clearly as your bracelet. In the one case the husband would say, as Mr. Snapper said t'other day, Zounds! Madam, do you suppose that _my_ table, and _my_ house, and _my_ pictures!--_A-propos, des Bottes._ There was the divinest Plague of Athens sold yesterday at Langford's! the dead figures so natural, you would have sworn they had been alive! Lord Primrose bid Five hundred--Six, said Lady Carmine.--A thousand, said Ingot the Nabob.--Down went the hammer.--A _rouleau_ for your bargain, said Sir Jeremy Jingle. And what answer do you think Ingot made him?

Mrs. _Racket._ Why, took the offer.

_Flut._ Sir, I would oblige you, but I buy this picture to place in the nursery: the children have already got Whittington and his Cat; 'tis just this size, and they'll make good companions.

Mrs. _Rack._ Ha! ha! ha! Well, I protest that's just the way now--the Nabobs and their wives outbid one at every sale, and the creatures have no more taste----

_Vill._ There again! You forget this story is told by Flutter, who always remembers every thing but the circumstances and the person he talks about:--'twas Ingot who offer'd a _rouleau_ for the bargain, and Sir Jeremy Jingle who made the reply.

_Flut._ Egad, I believe you are right.--Well, the story is as good one way as t'other, you know. Good morning. I am going to Mrs. Crotchet's concert, and in my way back shall make my bow at Sir George's. (_Going._)

_Vill._ I'll venture every figure in your taylor's bill, you make some blunder there.

_Flut._ (_turning back_) Done! My taylor's bill has not been paid these two years; and I'll open my mouth with as much care as Mrs. Bridget Button, who wears cork plumpers in each cheek, and never hazards more than six words for fear of shewing them. [_Exit_ Flutter.

Mrs. _Rack._ 'Tis a good-natur'd insignificant creature! let in every where, and cared for no where.--There's Miss Hardy return'd from Lincoln's-Inn:--she seems rather chagrin'd.

_Vill._ Then I leave you to your communications.

_Enter_ Letitia, _followed by her Maid_.

Adieu! I am rejoiced to see you so well, Madam! but I must tear myself away.

_Letit._ Don't vanish in a moment.

_Vill._ Oh, inhuman! you are two of the most dangerous women in town.--Staying here to be cannonaded by four such eyes, is equal to a _rencontre_ with Paul Jones, or a midnight march to Omoa!--They'll swallow the nonsense for the sake of the compliment. (_Aside._) [_Exit_ Villers.

_Letit._ (_gives her cloak to her maid._) Order Du Quesne never to come again; he shall positively dress my hair no more. [_Exit Maid._] And this odious silk, how unbecoming it is!--I was bewitched to chuse it. (_Throwing herself on a sopha, and looking in a pocket-glass, Mrs._ Racket _staring at her_.) Did you ever see such a fright as I am to-day?

Mrs. _Rack._ Yes, I have seen you look much worse.

_Letit._ How can you be so provoking? If I do not look this morning worse than ever I look'd in my life, I am naturally a fright. You shall have it which way you will.

Mrs. _Rack._ Just as you please; but pray what is the meaning of all this?

_Letit._ (_rising._) Men are all dissemblers! flatterers! deceivers! Have I not heard a thousand times of my air, my eyes, my shape--all made for victory! and to-day, when I bent my whole heart on one poor conquest, I have proved that all those imputed charms amount to nothing;--for Doricourt saw them unmov'd.--A husband of fifteen months could not have examined me with more cutting indifference.

Mrs. _Rack._ Then you return it like a wife of fifteen months, and be as indifferent as he.

_Letit._ Aye, there's the sting! The blooming boy, who left his image in my young heart, is at four and twenty improv'd in every grace that fix'd him there. It is the same face that my memory, and my dreams, constantly painted to me; but its graces are finished, and every beauty heightened. How mortifying, to feel myself at the same moment his slave, and an object of perfect indifference to him!

Mrs. _Rack._ How are you certain that was the case? Did you expect him to kneel down before the lawyer, his clerks, and, your father, to make oath of your beauty?

_Letit._ No; but he should have look'd as if a sudden ray had pierced him! he should have been breathless! speechless! for, oh! Caroline, all this was I.

Mrs. _Rack._ I am sorry you was such a fool. Can you expect a man, who has courted and been courted by half the fine women in Europe, to feel like a girl from a boarding-school? He is the prettiest fellow you have seen, and in course bewilders your imagination; but he has seen a million of pretty women, child, before he saw you; and his first feelings have been over long ago.

_Letit._ Your raillery distresses me; but I will touch his heart, or never be his wife.

_Mrs. Rack._ Absurd, and romantic! If you have no reason to believe his heart pre-engaged, be satisfied; if he is a man of honour, you'll have nothing to complain of.

_Letit._ Nothing to complain of! Heav'ns! shall I marry the man I adore, with such an expectation as that?

_Mrs. Rack._ And when you have fretted yourself pale, my dear, you'll have mended your expectation greatly.

_Letit._ (_pausing._) Yet I have one hope. If there is any power whose peculiar care is faithful love, that power I invoke to aid me.

_Enter Mr._ Hardy.

_Hardy._ Well, now; wasn't I right? Aye, Letty! Aye, Cousin Racket! wasn't I right? I knew 'twould be so. He was all agog to see her before he went abroad; and, if he had, he'd have thought no more of her face, may be, than his own.

_Mrs. Rack._ May be, not half so much.

_Hardy._ Aye, may be so:--but I see into things; exactly as I foresaw, to-day he fell desperately in love with the wench, he! he! he!

_Letit._ Indeed, Sir! how did you perceive it?

_Hardy._ That's a pretty question! How do I perceive every thing? How did I foresee the fall of corn, and the rise of taxes? How did I know, that if we quarrelled with America, Norway deals would be dearer? How did I foretell that a war would sink the funds? How did I forewarn Parson Homily, that if he didn't some way or other contrive to get more votes than Rubrick, he'd lose the lectureship? How did I----But what the devil makes you so dull, Letitia? I thought to have found you popping about as brisk as the jacks of your harpsichord.

_Letit._ Surely, Sir, 'tis a very serious occasion.

_Hardy._ Pho, pho! girls should never be grave before marriage. How did you feel, Cousin, beforehand? Aye!

_Mrs. Rack._ Feel! why exceedingly full of cares.

_Hardy._ Did you?

_Mrs. Rack._ I could not sleep for thinking of my coach, my liveries, and my chairmen; the taste of clothes I should be presented in, distracted me for a week; and whether I should be married in white or lilac, gave me the most cruel anxiety.

_Letit._ And is it possible that you felt no other care?

_Hardy._ And pray, of what sort may your cares be, Mrs. Letitia? I begin to foresee now that you have taken a dislike to Doricourt.

_Letit._ Indeed, Sir, I have not.

_Hardy._ Then what's all this melancholy about? A'n't you going to be married? and, what's more, to a sensible man? and, what's more to a young girl, to a handsome man? And what's all this melancholy for, I say?

_Mrs. Rack._ Why, because he _is_ handsome and sensible, and because she's over head and ears in love with him; all which, it seems, your foreknowledge had not told you a word of.

_Letit._ Fye, Caroline!

_Hardy._ Well, come, do you tell me what's the matter then? If you don't like him, hang the signing and sealing, he sha'n't have ye:--and yet I can't say that neither; for you know that estate, that cost his father and me upwards of fourscore thousand pounds, must go all to him if you won't have him: if he won't have you, indeed, 'twill be all yours. All that's clear, engross'd upon parchment, and the poor dear man set his hand to it whilst he was a dying.--"Ah!" said I, "I foresee you'll never live to see 'em come together; but their first son shall be christened Jeremiah after you, that I promise you."----But come, I say, what is the matter? Don't you like him?

_Letit._ I fear, Sir--if I must speak--I fear I was less agreeable in Mr. Doricourt's eyes, than he appeared in mine.

_Hardy._ There you are mistaken; for I asked him, and he told me he liked you vastly. Don't you think he must have taken a fancy to her?

_Mrs. Rack._ Why really I think so, as I was not by.

_Letit._ My dear Sir, I am convinced he has not; but if there is spirit or invention in woman, he shall.

_Hardy._ Right, Girl; go to your toilette--

_Letit._ It is not my toilette that can serve me: but a plan has struck me, if you will not oppose it, which flatters me with brilliant success.

_Hardy._ Oppose it! not I indeed! What is it?

_Letit._ Why, Sir--it may seem a little paradoxical; but, as he does not like me enough, I want him to like me still less, and will at our next interview endeavour to heighten his indifference into dislike.

_Hardy._ Who the devil could have foreseen that?

_Mrs. Rack._ Heaven and earth! Letitia, are you serious?

_Letit._ As serious as the most important business of my life demands.

_Mrs. Rack._ Why endeavour to make him dislike you?

_Letit._ Because 'tis much easier to convert a sentiment into its opposite, than to transform indifference into tender passion.

_Mrs. Rack._ That may be good philosophy, but I am afraid you'll find it a bad maxim.

_Letit._ I have the strongest confidence in it. I am inspired with unusual spirits, and on this hazard willingly stake my chance for happiness. I am impatient to begin my measures. [_Exit_ Letitia.

_Hardy._ Can you foresee the end of this, Cousin?

_Mrs. Rack._ No, Sir; nothing less than your penetration can do that, I am sure; and I can't stay now to consider it. I am going to call on the Ogles, and then to Lady Frances Touchwood's, and then to an Auction, and then--I don't know where----but I shall be at home time enough to witness this extraordinary interview. Good-bye. [_Exit Mrs._ Racket.

_Hardy._ Well, 'tis an odd thing--I can't understand it--but I foresee Letty will have her way, and so I sha'n't give myself the trouble to dispute it. [_Exit_ Hardy.

END OF THE FIRST ACT.