Part 19

"Ah! capédébious! that young woman was attracted to me.--Ha! ha! these two little rascals are very nice fellows. I rather like this bald head, it reminds me of Dutch cheese, of which I am very fond.--Speaking of cheese, tell me, young men, have you breakfasted, or dined?"

"Neither, monsieur le chevalier; we have fasted since yesterday noon."

"And we have a devilish appetite."

"Why didn't you say so at once!--Come with me; at the end of Rue Saint-Jacques there's a wine shop where the wine is excellent; you will tell me what you think about it."

"Oh! with great pleasure, monsieur le chevalier; but what a beautiful cloak, what an exquisite doublet you have!"

"And these short-clothes! how dainty they are!"

"How this color becomes you! See! there is another fine lady stopping to look at you!"

"Sandis! I am accustomed to it.--Come, my friends, and put on your caps; I give you leave! Parbleu! I propose to regale you in the good old way!"

The two ex-clerks walked beside the Gascon chevalier, like two soldiers escorting a marshal of France. They arrived at the wine shop at the end of Rue Saint-Jacques. Passedix was known there, and, as he was now a good customer, the waiters served him with the greatest zeal. The chevalier selected a table, ordered three covers to be laid, and seated himself between his two guests, saying:

"What vexes me is that I cannot eat with you. I have already breakfasted twice, and I do not feel capable of dining at this moment. Formerly it would have been easy for me. On my honor, it is pitiful! When one becomes rich, one's capacities should be enlarged accordingly. But it is just the opposite! When I had not a sou, I ate four times as much; to be sure, I didn't eat every day. However, one can always drink, and that is something."

Bahuchet and Plumard conducted themselves in such wise as to augment the chevalier's regret for his lost appetite. The dishes simply appeared and disappeared before the ex-clerks; their plates were no sooner filled than they were as clean as if they had been washed; and this lasted for a considerable time. The two friends hardly took time to drink.

"Bravo! sandioux! this is magnificent! it is superb!" cried Passedix; "this is what I call eating--this is the way I used to work! It spurs one on! it sets one on edge! I am sure that in your company I should soon recover my former appetite!"

"Nothing prevents it, monsieur le chevalier; we are entirely at your service; and there is a very simple way to make sure that we shall always be at hand."

"What way is that, little one?"

"Attach us to your illustrious person! I believe that you have no esquire; you need one--a chevalier of your rank cannot do without an esquire; give me that post, and I will show myself worthy of the honor, on the faith of Plumard!"

"Eh! why, in truth, that is not a bad idea! An esquire--yes, that looks well; I will make him wear my livery."

"And I, seigneur," said Bahuchet, in his turn, "I offer myself as your page; for an esquire is not enough--you need a page to carry your billets-doux, your love messages--for you must send many of them!"

"Oh! to be sure, I send and receive a great many--that is to say, not so many as you might think, perhaps, because---- Look you, I am going to open my heart to you, to make you my confidants."

"That is too much honor for us, seigneur!"

"Understand that I nourish in the depths of my heart a passion which I have tried a hundred times to banish; but it is impossible; the witch constantly returns to torment me night and day!"

"Is monsieur le chevalier in love?"

"Pardieu! I should say as much! So much in love that I have lost my sleep, my wits, and even my appetite! for it probably is this infernal love that weighs on my stomach and impairs my digestion."

"Can it be that monsieur le chevalier's heart is fixed on a cruel fair! That is not possible."

"You are right, Plumard; it is not possible! There can be no cruel fair for monsieur le chevalier!"

"Mon Dieu! my boys,--what nice little fellows they are!--it is an extraordinary case, most assuredly! But if you knew the history of my love!--My heart is set upon a lovely female demon, whom I cannot see when I wish--who eludes me, flies from me! who vanishes when I think that I have her!"

"Monsieur le chevalier, whoever the object of your love may be, if you take me for your page, I will undertake, ere long, to make you the happy vanquisher of your inamorata!"

"And I take the same oath if I become esquire to Monsieur le Chevalier--apple-green--I mean de Passedix; he will see how we will forward his love affairs!"

"Very good! shake hands! it is a bargain; I attach you both to my person; you are my page, and you my esquire."

"Vive monsieur le chevalier!"

"I say nothing of wages--but whatever you receive will be yours."

"That is enough for us."

"Are you still hungry?"

"Always!"

"They are admirable!--Waiter, a succulent dish to close the repast; a fricassée of hare! that is your forte. And let us drink--let us even touch glasses--I will condescend so far.--Moreover, I know that you are young men of good breeding, ex-Basochians; for that reason, when I am alone, I will always admit you to my table."

"And we will give you an appetite, seigneur!"

"I rely upon it!"

The goblets were filled; they touched and drank. At that moment the waiter arrived with the last dish ordered; he came toward them and was on the point of placing it on the table, when Plumard, in a renewed outburst of enthusiasm, raised his arm and his glass so suddenly that he overturned upon Passedix the dish that the waiter had in his hands.

In an instant the chevalier was covered from top to toe with the fricassée of hare; his doublet and his short-clothes were drenched with it. Passedix swore like one possessed, and would have thrashed the waiter, who declared that it was not his fault. Plumard shouted even louder, so that no one should guess that it was his. Bahuchet, who alone had remained calm, observed, when the others had ceased their outcries:

"It was an accident! But since the harm has been done, monsieur le chevalier, it seems to me that, instead of losing your temper, which will do no good at all, it would be much better to think of repairing the disaster."

"Repair the disaster! Sandis! my doublet and my breeches are covered with grease. Such an elegant costume!--spoiled--ruined!--Can I show myself in this condition?--Luckily, I had taken off my cloak; otherwise it would undoubtedly have received its share of the fricassée!"

"I say again, seigneur, that the damage is not so great as you think; I know a dyer and cleanser on Rue Saint-Denis, who is renowned for his skill in removing spots from every kind of fabric; he will cleanse your clothes perfectly, and it will not cost you overmuch."

"Eh! cadédis! what care I for the cost? As if I ever looked at money! That is not what disturbs me! But in order to have my doublet and breeches cleansed, I must certainly take them off; so I shall be left almost naked--in shirt and cloak--and I cannot go home in that airy costume."

"Another suggestion, seigneur," said Plumard; "suppose we should go to some bathing establishment? You have eaten nothing, so you may safely take a bath; and while you are taking it, Bahuchet will run to the cleanser's with your clothes."

"Ah! that is not badly thought of! I approve my esquire's suggestion; I was just thinking that I should like to bathe."

"Master Hugonnet's baths are on this street, not far away; let us go there, seigneur."

"In that case, I must go out with this sauce all over me! That annoys me!"

"We will walk close beside you, seigneur, one on the right, the other on the left; and with your cloak, in addition, no one will see anything!"

"Very well, so be it!--Let us start at once for the baths; I am in haste to be cleansed!"

Passedix paid the bill and left the wine shop, flanked by his page and his esquire.

LI

A BATH

The chevalier and his bodyguard arrived at Master Hugonnet's.

"A bath for me instantly," said Passedix; "and while I am in the water, my page here will take my garments to the cleanser's."

Master Hugonnet escorted the Gascon to the hot baths.

"I do not see your daughter Ambroisine, La Belle Baigneuse," Passedix said to him on the way.

"She is rarely here now, seigneur chevalier; she passes a great part of her time with Madame la Comtesse de Marvejols, who, although she has become a _grande dame_, has not ceased to be a most affectionate friend to my daughter."

"Oh, yes! I know; I have heard the story of the interesting Bathilde."

"But, in any event, monsieur le chevalier, even if my daughter was here, you would hardly expect her to act as bath attendant for you, I presume?"

"Eh? who the devil said anything about that? Everybody knows that La Belle Baigneuse is as virtuous as she is cruel. I would like my bath to be rather hot; my page and my esquire will help me to get into it."

In a twinkling the ex-clerks undressed their new master, who entered the water without observing the grimaces and contortions to which the young men were obliged to resort in order to avoid laughing at the aspect of the Gascon's thin, yellow body. Bahuchet hastily made a bundle of the doublet and breeches, took it under his arm, and started for the cleanser's.

"Does monsieur le chevalier wish his esquire to remain in attendance while he is in the bath?" inquired Plumard, when his comrade had gone.

"I do not see the necessity; go out into the street and take the air; but do not go far away, so that you may be at hand to hasten hither if I require your services."

"I will remain below, at the shop door, where I can hear if you ring."

Plumard left the cabinet in which Passedix was bathing. He went downstairs and chatted with Master Hugonnet, who, taking advantage of his daughter's absence, had already emptied several jars of wine with his neighbors, and was consequently in the mood for talking and for drinking more.

A half-hour passed. The Gascon was thinking of Miretta, of his wealth, and of the effect he would produce with a page and an esquire. But after giving sufficient thought to all these subjects, he began to find the time rather long. He pulled a bellrope, and the bath attendant appeared; he was a new servant, who had been in Master Hugonnet's employ but a short time, and seemed as yet unfamiliar with his duties.

"Was it monsieur who rang?"

"To be sure it was I!"

"Does monsieur want anything?"

"As I rang, it is probable that I want something--but not you, sandis! for you seem to me not to be very bright! Send my _écuyer_ [esquire] to me."

"You want your _écu_--"

"I said nothing about my _écu_! I want my _écuyer!_--An _écu_ is a shield--perhaps you don't know that, blockhead! A gentleman takes his _écu_ only when he is about to go into the lists or into battle. What in the devil do you suppose I want of my _écu_ when I am in the bath? Do you imagine that I am going to wield a lance while I bathe?"

"Why, I don't know!"

"Begone, and send my esquire to me!"

The attendant went down into the shop, where he found his master drinking with Plumard and several shopkeepers of the neighborhood.

"Who is the esquire of that tall, lanky, ugly gentleman bathing upstairs?" the attendant asked.

There was no reply; they were all too busily occupied, drinking, talking, and laughing, to pay any heed to what he said. Finding that no one answered him, the attendant calmly took a seat at the rear of the shop, saying to himself:

"The esquire doesn't seem to be here. No matter! it isn't my fault."

After waiting five minutes for his esquire to appear, Passedix concluded to ring again.

"That bath attendant looks so stupid," he thought, "that I'll wager he didn't understand what I said!"

The attendant, seated at the rear of the shop, heard the bell distinctly, but he did not stir; he settled down comfortably in his chair and said to himself:

"There's that tall skeleton ringing again; it can't be anybody else, for there's nobody else in the baths just now.--But it isn't worth while for me to go there, as he wants his esquire and not me.--As if I knew where his esquire is! it's probably that little bit of a fellow that ran off with a bundle under his arm, and he hasn't come back!"

Several more minutes passed, and the bell rang again, more violently.

The attendant kept his seat; it even seemed to amuse him to hear such a merry peal.

Soon the jangling of the bell became incessant; and as there came a moment when no one of the drinkers was speaking, because they were emptying their glasses, Master Hugonnet at last heard the _carillon_ in which his customer was indulging.

"Someone is ringing! Sarpejeu! someone is ringing! Don't you hear, Jean? you sit there as calmly as you please! Go, see what is wanted."

"Oh! I hear the bell well enough, and I've heard it a long while, monsieur; but it's no use going to see; I have been once."

"But the gentleman in the bath is calling."

"Yes; and I tell you that I went to see what he wanted. He wants his esquire--that's what he wants; but I am not his esquire."

"His esquire!" cried Plumard, placing his glass on the table. "The devil! you should have told me; I am his esquire!"

"I called you, but you didn't answer."

"Fichtre! I am going to be scolded. I must hurry; he is ringing as if he would tear everything to pieces."

Plumard entered the cabinet where Passedix was bathing; he found him exasperated, frantic with rage.

"Did monsieur le chevalier ring?"

"Did I ring! knave! gallows-bird! you presume to ask me! Why, I have been ringing an hour!"

"Don't charge it to me, monseigneur; it's the fault of that fool of an attendant. He said nothing to me; I only learned a moment ago that you wanted me. I am terribly distressed, O my master!"

"I will thrash that attendant when I am out of the bath!"

"You will do well, monsieur le chevalier."

"Tell me, esquire, have you not yet seen my page return?"

"No, monseigneur, not yet."

"It seems to me that he is very long; it is nearly an hour that I have been in the water, and I am beginning to have enough of it!"

"If monsieur le chevalier wishes to get out of the bath----"

"Get out! what in the devil shall I put on? I have neither short-clothes nor doublet; I cannot go into the street in my shirt and cloak simply!"

"That is true; if monseigneur wishes, I will go to see if Bahuchet is coming."

"No, no! Cadédis! I have no desire to be forced to ring another hour, to recall you.--Sandioux! this water is getting cold; my page is making a fool of his master!"

"Perhaps the spots are difficult to remove."

"I am afraid--I am shivering--I shall take cold.--Go, tell the bath attendant to bring me some hot water."

In those days, persons who indulged in baths had not at their hand faucets with which to heat or cool the water at pleasure; bath keepers have progressed, like other people; but at that time the attendant brought water in a pail to put in the bath tub.

Plumard went out to perform his master's commission.

"The fire's out," said the attendant, "there's no more hot water; your tall, withered master has been in the bath more than an hour, and the best thing he can do is to go away; it will take too long to start up the fire again."

"Well-managed baths these, on my word! It's evident enough that Master Hugonnet is drinking and that his daughter is away from home!"

And Plumard returned to the chevalier, who was beginning to shiver.

"I regret to announce, monseigneur, that there is no more hot water in the establishment."

"No more hot water? Cadédis! what does this mean? are they laughing at me?"

"No, my honored master; but the attendant has allowed the fire to go out that heats the water for the baths. Master Hugonnet has been drinking so much with some friends that it is impossible to obtain anything from him!"

"O fair Ambroisine! it is evident that you pass all your time with a countess! These baths are being managed wretchedly; it will be very hot when I bathe here again!--And that rascally page does not return!--I cannot pass the whole day in the water, however; it weakens me terribly!"

"If monsieur le chevalier wishes--there must be some second-hand shop hereabout; I could go there and buy a doublet and a pair of breeches!"

"I' faith! you are right; that is what we should have done long ago.--Here, take my purse, which, luckily enough, I did not leave in my short-clothes, and hasten to buy me something to wear--the first things that you see, provided they are decent."

"Yes, monseigneur."

"And of some light color--they are most becoming to me. Do not consider the price, but make haste, sandioux! for I am all gooseflesh. Have you my purse?"

"Yes, monseigneur; I fly to the second-hand shop."

Plumard left the cabinet, and called to the attendant as he passed through the shop:

"We will do without your hot water; my master is going to leave the bath."

"In that case," said the attendant to himself, as he looked after the esquire, "it seems that the tall, thin man won't want it any more; if he's going to get out of his bath, I can begin to draw the water out of his tub."

He went to a room situated directly beneath the men's bathrooms, pressed a spring corresponding to the tub that he proposed to empty, and opened a cock through which the water ran out of doors.

As for Master Hugonnet, urged by his friends, and no longer in full possession of his reason, he had left his house, to make himself completely drunk at his favorite wine shop.

Passedix sat in his tub, as motionless as a statue, because he knew that the more one moves about, the more quickly the water grows cool. That in his tub had fallen nearly to zero. The poor chevalier turned purple and counted the minutes, saying to himself:

"Capédébious! I trust that my esquire will move more rapidly than my page; I should have left him unrestricted in the matter of colors; he will try to find a pretty shade, and that will delay him.--Well, what does this mean? I have no water on my shoulders! But I had some a moment ago. One would say that my bath was running away! Why, yes--it is not a dream--my water is falling--my breast is dry!--Ah! ten thousand muskets! this is the climax of our adventures!--Who is the gallows-bird, the villain, the blockhead, that amuses himself emptying my bath tub? It must be that dolt of an attendant! By Roland! the rascal shall pay me for this! In a moment I shall be left high and dry, and all naked! This is horrible! May the devil fly away with my esquire and my page!--Let us ring! let us ring!--Ah! I shall not forget this bath!"

Passedix seized the bellrope and pulled it so hard that it broke in his hand; but luckily the attendant heard the bell, and, as he knew that the esquire had gone, he concluded to go up, saying to himself:

"It must be me that this gentleman wants now, as he has sent his servants away; he wants to pay for his bath, I suppose, and give me a _pourboire_."

But he was stupefied, on opening the door of the cabinet, to see the chevalier still naked in the bath tub, where there was no longer a drop of water, glaring savagely at him and threatening him with his fist.

"What! are you taking a dry bath, monsieur?" said the surprised attendant.

"A dry bath, knave! a dry bath, blockhead! Why am I left high and dry in my bath tub? Because you have drawn the water off, I presume!"

"Well! monsieur's esquire called to me when he went out: 'My master's going to leave the bath!' so then I said to myself: 'I can empty the tub.'"

"Ah! you clown, if I die of inflammation of the lungs, you shall pay me for this! I am frozen!"

"But, monsieur, after all, why do you insist on staying in the tub instead of dressing yourself?"

"Dressing myself! They are all in a plot to drive me frantic! Here is my esquire doing just as my page did! He doesn't come back! How well I am served! It was worth while setting up a staff of servants!--Well, I must make up my mind to something. Give me my linen, rascal! and while I am putting it on, that infernal bald-head will return, I trust--or perhaps my page, Bahuchet!"

But Plumard, on leaving Master Hugonnet's house, weighed in his hand the purse that his new master had bade him take. It was a large purse and well filled; the ex-clerk could not resist the desire to know how much it contained; so he stopped, sat on a stone, and counted out in the hollow of his hand twenty-two gold pieces. That amounted to a considerable sum; the ex-Basochian had never possessed so much. The sight of the gold dazzled him; and the numerous bumpers he had drunk at Master Hugonnet's having made him slightly giddy, he passed his hand across his brow and muttered:

"By Saint Grimoire! I shall never earn as much as this in a year, playing the esquire to that long, loose-jointed chevalier. Suppose I should begin by enjoying myself with this money? The opportunity is all the better because I shall not have to share with Bahuchet. I am in luck, on my word! I'll go to the tavern which the pretty girls of the quarter frequent; it's at the Pré-aux-Clercs. I have enough to treat them like a great nobleman!--Oh! I'll wager that they will not refuse to dance a courante or a Périgourd step with me to-night."

And Monsieur Plumard placed the purse in his belt and betook himself to the Pré-aux-Clercs, without another thought for him he had left in the bath.

Bahuchet, having no purse intrusted to him, had been unable to follow the same course of action as his friend Plumard; but other reasons kept him from returning to the chevalier.

Having taken his new master's garments to the cleanser's, where he was told that it would take a long quarter of an hour to remove the spots on the doublet and breeches, the little man left the shop and strolled aimlessly along the street, stopping to look at everything that could possibly amuse him for a moment.

Suddenly, as he was watching two dogs fight, Bahuchet felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned and recognized Miretta, the young Marquise de Santoval's pretty lady's-maid.

"I have found you at last, Monsieur Bahuchet," she said; "I have been looking for you all over Paris for a long time."

"You have been looking for me, captivating brunette?"

"Yes; I went to your solicitor's to find you."

"To Maître Bourdinard's?--He dismissed me because I made blots on the paper with my pen, and that wasted the ink. I say! what a skinflint!--So you have been looking for me! I beg you to believe that, if I had known it---- Do you require the services of your humble servant?"

"No, not I, but my mistress, madame la marquise.--Come, come quickly, away from all these people."

"Oh! pardon me, pretty maid, but if I must go to the Hôtel de Santoval again--many thanks! I am not your man! I remember the way I was treated at the time of the last visit I paid you; I remember very well too that, after beating me outrageously with stirrup leathers, the lackeys said: 'This is how you will be received every time that you come to this house!'--After that, you may well be sure that I would not risk the end of my nose there for anything in the world!--Look you--I am entirely devoted to your lovely mistress, but more than all else I love my own shoulders, I have the warmest regard for my ribs, and I have no desire to be cudgelled again!"

"You will not be asked to go to the Hôtel de Santoval again, although everything is changed there now."

"Where are you taking me, then?"

"Wherever you choose; select for yourself the place where you will await my mistress; she will meet you there, for she is most desirous to speak with you in secret, and to intrust to you a letter for the Comte de Marvejols. If you undertake to deliver the letter, she will give you money, as much as you ask."