The barber's chair; and, The hedgehog letters

_Nutts._ The fact is, Mr Nightflit, I’ve had so much news in my time, I’ve lost the flavour of it. ’Couldn’t relish anything weaker than a battle of Waterloo now. Even murders d...

_Nutts._ Minutes, Mr Slowgoe, are the small-change of life. Can’t wait for nobody. I’ll take you then, Mr Limpy. (_=Limpy= takes the chair_.) It makes my flesh crawl to see some...

_Nutts._ Oh! if she says it’s red, I know it isn’t hers. Now the lady as that belongs to calls it auburn. Not that I should like to walk with her into a powder-magazine with her...

_Nutts._ Well, I’m glad somebody’s come. Thought all the beards had gone out of town. Just as you come, was thinking of shuttin’ up shop and goin’ myself. Never saw the Dials so...

_Tickle._ (_With newspaper._) Well, it’s a shocking thing, isn’t it, when we read of babbies, left by things as call themselves their mothers, on highways and door-steps, and in...

_Nutts._ Now, Mr Bleak, I b’lieve the shave’s with you. (_=Bleak= takes the chair_.) Mustn’t complain; but dreadful weather this for business. Not a soul in town. Had nothing to...

_Tickle._ No; it’s a newer vow than that, for that vow’s a week old. It’s a vow that his pockets, so long as the folk are starving--shall fast too. That they shan’t know the tas...

_Nutts._ (_Laying down newspaper and taking up razor._) It’s a great blessing it’s all over, and no signs yet of a revolution. Wonderful, isn’t it? Come, Mr Limpy, here’s a razo...

_Nutts._ (_Opening door for child carrying hare in a dish._) Now, Adelgitha, you’ll tell Dobbs the baker to be very partic’lar with that hare. ’Tisn’t pleasant to send meat to t...

_Slowgoe._ I’ve often told you, Mr Nutts, nothing is as it was. The world’s gettin’ old; and the iron, which we may look upon as the bones of the world, is going first. But what...

_Nutts._ Not yet; though I’ve kept a sharp eye for the Parcels Delivery all the week. Considerin’ what a shower of crosses and snuff-boxes is coming down, I don’t well see how a...

_Mrs Nutts._ Never mind me, Mr Slowgoe, if I am in the shop. The children’s washed, the meat’s sent to the bakehouse, and I shall just sit down and enjoy myself. Go on, Mr Slowgoe.

_Mrs Nutts._ Don’t you think it? All the years I’ve been married to you, I’ve been kept in the background--and you know it, Nutts. Very well, as I said afore, Tommy’s weaned, an...

_Mrs Nutts._ Ha, Mr Tickle! I only wish I could shave. I’ve often said it ’ud be a nice light business for us poor women. I only wish I could shave! Anything to get money one’s...

_Nutts._ Why, yes; when kings choose to break into towns, it’s what we may ’nominate burglary made easy. Heads may do anything, if they happen to be anointed, as you call it; fo...

_Tickle._ Hallo, Nutts! Why, what’s the matter with the shop? As fine and as shiny, and smelling as sweet as Covent Garden! Well, I’m sure! If you haven’t brought a bit of Bond...

_Nutts._ And did you never read the “’Rabian Nights,” where they fish up from the sea the brass kettle with Solomon’s seal upon it? A kettle thought to be crammed with wisdom, a...

_Mrs Nutts._ Now, Mr Nutts; will you drag yourself out of that newspaper? I wish there wasn’t such a thing in the world. I’m sure a man with his wife and family oughtn’t to wast...

_Mrs Nutts._ If you mean Mr Nutts, he’s jest run with the pie to the bakehouse. I don’t know how it is, but the older he grows, the more partic’lar he gets with his dinners. I a...

DEAR PETER,--at last I’m settled at my heart’s content. For fifteen years and more, I’ve been fighting, and punching, and screwing, and doing--the Lord forgive me!--all sorts of...

MY DEAR OLD GRANDMOTHER,--Thank all your stars and two garters that you’re out of England! We’re all going to be made Catholics. It’s a settled thing. You ought henceforth never...

MY DEAR GRANDMOTHER,--We’re all safe for a time; the Pope hasn’t quite got hold of us yet. You recollect when I was a boy, how I would fling stones, and call names, and go among...

DEAR MICHAEL,--When you quitted England, in the Hong-Kong division of police, I promised to write you all the news I could; at least, such news as I knew you’d like. The crimes...

DEAR SISTER,--It gave me much pleasure to learn from your letter that yourself, husband, and baby got safe and sound to your present home. You ask me to send you my portrait. It...

DEAR BROTHER-IN-LAW,--As my last letter was to sister, it is but fair that you should have the next dose of ink. Well, Parliament’s opened; and Sir Robert’s made a clean breast...

DEAR JOHN,--I’m afraid you don’t go the right way to make both ends meet. Your letter is full of complaints of poverty, and all that sort of disagreeable thing. I very much fear...

Thank heaven and the printer that there are such things as ---- ----! You, my dear friend, will know to whom they apply, and may therefore receive this letter without its bringi...

DEAR GRANDMOTHER,--It was very kind of you, though away from Old England, to have prayers put up for the Bishops of Exeter and London, and Mr Courtenay and Mr Ward, with all the...

DEAR SAM,--I’m just come home from Hampstead, and so, while the matter’s fresh in my mind, I sit down to write you a few lines. You have heard of the awful murder, of course. We...

DEAR MRS CHICKWEED,--It has given me a vast deal of concern that you should have been frightened by the ignorant reports in the newspapers. Don’t believe a word they say on the...

DEAR ISAAC,--I don’t know whether Portsmouth has any aldermen, but if it has, I hope you’ll get into a gown outright. The thing’s as good as done. What poor George the Third, Lo...

DEAR GRANDMOTHER,--You ought to be in England just now, we’re in such a pleasant pucker. The Church is in danger again! I have myself known her twenty times in peril, but now sh...

DEAR GRANDMOTHER,--England’s still above water: the sea doesn’t yet roll over Dover cliffs; nevertheless, the Maynooth Grant that I wrote to you about, is gone through the House...

DEAR KITTY,--If I haven’t written before this, it is because I’ve had nothing worth ink and paper to send you. I know that you’ve a mind above politics, and--may you be pardoned...

DEAR GRANDMOTHER,--The Maynooth Grant is granted, and the British Lion has once more gone to sleep. When either Sir Culling Smith, Mr M’Neile, or Dr Croly shall pinch his tail a...

DEAR BROTHER,--You’ll be glad to hear that at last Ministers have remembered there’s such a man in the world as Sir Henry Pottinger. The Queen has sent her compliments to Parlia...

SIR,--As I once had the honour to drive you down to Parliament, and as I found you such an affable gentleman, with no pride at all in you (I say nothing about the sixpence you g...

DEAR ISAAC,--Sir Robert Peel has stood your friend; and if you’ve only the money, and the freedom, and the luck, you may be Lord Mayor of London as soon as you like. You can’t,...

DEAR GRANDMOTHER,--September’s so near we can almost put our hand upon it, and yet I’m in London. It’s a dreadful confession of poverty, but I can’t help it. If I’m not ashamed...

SIR,--As I consider every gentleman that I have had the pleasure, or the honour, or the ill-luck as it may be, of driving, a sort of acquaintance--for where money passes, it in...

DEAR GRANDMOTHER,--As I don’t think you have any liking for railways--being, like Colonel Sibthorpe, one of those folks loving the good old times when travelling was as sober a...

DEAR GRANDMOTHER,--Of course you must have heard of the potato blight. There are some subjects that women don’t want newspapers to teach ’em about, and “potatoes is one.” I can’...