The Art of Being Bored: A Comedy in Three Acts
ACT I
_A drawing-room, with a large entrance at the back, opening upon another room. Entrances up and down stage. To the left, between the two doors, a piano. Right, an entrance down-stage; farther up, a large alcove with a glazed door leading into the garden, left; a table, on either side of which is a chair; to the right, a small table and a sofa, armchairs, etc._
FRANCOIS. (_Looking among the papers which litter the table_) It couldn’t be on top here—nor here. _Revue Matérialiste_ ... _Revue des Cours_—_Journal des Savants_——
(_Enter_ LUCY.)
LUCY. Well, Francois, have you found the letter?
FRANCOIS. No, Miss Lucy, not yet.
LUCY. Pink paper—opened—no envelope?
FRANCOIS. Is it addressed to Miss Watson?
LUCY. Didn’t I tell you it was addressed to me?
FRANCOIS. But——
LUCY. The point is, have you found it?
FRANCOIS. Not yet, but I shall look everywhere, and ask——
LUCY. Don’t ask; there’s no need. But it must be found, so look carefully. Go over every foot of ground from where you gave us our letters this morning, to this room. It couldn’t have fallen anywhere else. Please, please hunt for it! (_She goes out_)
FRANCOIS. (_Alone, as he returns to the table_) “Hunt, hunt?” _Revue Coloniale_—_Revue Diplomatique_—_Revue Archéologique_——
(_Enter_ JEANNE _and_ PAUL.)
JEANNE. (_Gaily_) Someone here! (_To_ FRANCOIS) Madame de Céran——
PAUL. (_Taking her hand_) Sh! (_To_ FRANCOIS, _gravely_) Is Madame la comtesse de Céran in the château at present?
FRANCOIS. Yes, Monsieur.
JEANNE. (_Gaily_) Very well, tell her that Monsieur and Madame Paul——
PAUL. (_As before, coldly_) Be good enough to announce to her that M. Raymond, Sub-prefect[1] of Agenis, and Mme. Raymond, have arrived from Paris, and await her pleasure in the drawing-room.
[1] A prefect is the officer in charge of the administrative affairs of the Department, one of the ninety-six divisions of France.
JEANNE. And that——
PAUL. (_As before_) Sh! That’s all, please.
FRANCOIS. Very well, M. le sous-préfet. (_Aside_) Newlyweds!— Shall I take Monsieur’s—? (_He takes their bags and rugs, and goes out_)
JEANNE. Now, Paul——
PAUL. No “Paul” here: “M. Raymond!”
JEANNE. What, d’you want me to——?
PAUL. Not here, I tell you.
JEANNE. (_Laughing_) What a scowl!
PAUL. Please, you mustn’t laugh out loud.
JEANNE. How is this, Monsieur, you are scolding me? (_She throws herself into his arms, but he disengages himself, terrified_)
PAUL. Silly! That’s enough to spoil everything!
JEANNE. Oh! What a bore!
PAUL. Precisely! That time you struck exactly the right note. You surely haven’t forgotten all I told you in the train?
JEANNE. Why, I thought you were joking!
PAUL. Joking? So you don’t want to be a Prefect’s wife?—Tell me?
JEANNE. Yes, if it would please you.
PAUL. Very well, dear. I call you dear, as we are alone, but later on, before the guests, it must be merely Jeanne. The Comtesse de Céran has done me the honor of asking me to introduce my young wife to her, and of spending a few days here at her château. Mme. de Céran’s circle is one of the three or four most influential in Paris. We are not here to amuse ourselves. I come here merely a Sub-prefect; I am determined to leave a Prefect. Everything depends on her—upon us—upon you!
JEANNE. Upon me? What do you mean?
PAUL. Of course, on you! Society judges a man by his wife, and society is right. Therefore be on your guard.—Dignity without pride: a knowing smile—ears and eyes open, lips closed! Oh, compliments, as many as you like, and quotations, short and authoritative: for philosophy try Hegel; for literature, Jean Paul; politics——
JEANNE. But I don’t understand politics.
PAUL. Here all the women talk politics.
JEANNE. Well, I know nothing whatever about it.
PAUL. Neither do they, but that doesn’t make any difference. Cite Pufendorff and Machiavelli as if they were your own relatives, and talk about the Council of Trent as if you had presided over it. As for your amusements: music, strolls in the garden, and whist—that’s all I can allow. Your clothes must be chosen with great care, and as for Latin—use the few words I’ve taught you. In a week’s time I want it to be said of you: “Ah, that little Mme. Raymond will be the wife of a Cabinet Minister some day!” And in this circle, you know, when they say that a woman will be a Cabinet Minister’s wife, her husband is not very far from a portfolio.
JEANNE. What? Do you want to be Minister?—Why?
PAUL. In order to keep from becoming famous.
JEANNE. But Mme. de Céran belongs to the opposition; what can you expect from her?
PAUL. How simple you are! In the matter of political positions, there is only the slightest shade of difference between the Conservatives and their opponents: the Conservatives ask for places and their opponents accept them. No, no, my child, this is the place where reputations are made and unmade and made over again; where, under the appearance of talking literature and art, Machiavellian conspirators hatch their schemes: this is the private entrance to the ministries, the antechamber of the Academies, the laboratory of success!
JEANNE. Heavens! What sort of circle is this?
PAUL. It is the 1881 edition of the Hotel de Rambouillet: a section of society where everybody talks and poses, where pedantry masquerades as knowledge, sentimentality as sentiment, and preciosity as delicacy and refinement;—here no one ever dreams of saying what one thinks, and never believes what one says, where friendship is a matter of cold calculation, and chivalry and manners merely means to an end. It is where one swallows one’s tongue in the drawing-room just as one leaves one’s cane in the hallway: in short, Society where one learns the art of being serious!
JEANNE. I should say, the art of being bored!
PAUL. Precisely!
JEANNE. But if everyone bores everyone else, what possible influence can it all have?
PAUL. What influence? How simple you are! You ask what influence can boredom exert, here in this country? A great deal, I tell you. You see, the Frenchman has a horror of boredom amounting almost to veneration. _Ennui_ is for him a terrible god whose worship is celebrated by good form. He recognizes nothing as serious unless it is in regulation dress. I don’t say that he practises what he preaches, but that is only a further reason for believing more firmly: he prefers believing to finding out for himself. I tell you, this nation, which is at bottom gay, despises itself for being so; it has forgotten its faith in the good common sense of its generous laughter; this sceptical and talkative nation believes in those who have little to say, this whole-hearted and amiable people allows itself to be imposed upon by pedantic false pride and the pretentious asininity of the pontiffs of the white dress necktie: in politics, in science, in art, in literature, in everything! These they scoff at, hate, flee as from a pestilence, yet they alone preserve for these things a secret admiration and perfect confidence! And you ask what influence has boredom? Ah, my dear girl, there are just two kinds of people in the world: those who don’t know how to bore themselves, and who are nobodies; and those who know how to bore themselves, and who are somebody—besides those who know how to bore others!
JEANNE. And this is the place you’ve brought me to!
PAUL. Do you want to be a Prefect’s wife? Tell me?
JEANNE. Oh, to begin with, I could never——
PAUL. Oh, never mind! It’s only for a week!
JEANNE. A week! Without speaking, without laughing, without being kissed by you!
PAUL. That’s before company; but when we are alone—in the dark, oh, then! Why, it will be delightful; we’ll arrange secret meetings, in the garden, everywhere—just as we did before we were married—at your father’s, do you remember?
JEANNE. Very well, very well! (_She opens the piano and plays an air from La Fille de Madame Angot_)
PAUL. (_Terrified_) Very well, then! What are you doing there?
JEANNE. It’s from the opera we saw last night!
PAUL. My poor child, so this is the way you follow my advice!
JEANNE. We sat in a box together—wasn’t it lovely, Paul!
PAUL. Jeanne! Jeanne!—What if someone should come in! Please!
(FRANCOIS _appears at the back_.)
PAUL. Too late! (JEANNE _changes the air she was playing into a Beethoven Symphony. Aside_) Beethoven,—Bravo! (_He listens to the music with profound satisfaction_) Ah, it’s a fact that the only place for music is the _Conservatoire_!
FRANCOIS. Madame la Comtesse requests Monsieur le sous-préfet to wait five minutes for her: she is in consultation with Monsieur le baron Eriel de Saint-Réault.
PAUL. The Orientalist?
FRANCOIS. I do not know, Monsieur, he is the son of the scientist whose father was so talented.
PAUL. (_Aside_) Who has so many positions to dispose of! He’s the one!—Ah, M. de Saint-Réault is here, then. I presume Mme. de Saint-Réault is with him?
FRANCOIS. Yes, M. le sous-préfet; likewise the Marquise de Loudan and Mme. Arriégo, but these ladies are at present in Paris, following M. Bellac’s course—with Mlle. Suzanne de Villiers.
PAUL. There are no other guests here?
FRANCOIS. There is Madame la duchesse de Réville, Madame’s aunt.
PAUL. I don’t refer to the Duchess or to Miss Watson; or to Mlle. de Villiers: they are the family! I mean guests, like ourselves.
FRANCOIS. No, M. le sous-préfet, there are no others.
PAUL. And no one else is expected?
FRANCOIS. Oh, yes, M. le sous-préfet; M. Roger, the son of Mme. la comtesse, has just arrived to-day from his scientific investigations in the Orient. He is expected any moment.—Ah, and then M. Bellac, the professor, who is to spend a few days here when his lecture course is over—at least we hope so.
PAUL. (_Aside_) Ah, that’s why there are so many ladies!—Very well, thank you.
FRANCOIS. Then M. le sous-préfet will be good enough to wait?
PAUL. Yes, and tell Mme. la comtesse not to hurry. (FRANCOIS _goes out_) Whew! You gave me a turn with that music! But you got out of it beautifully, changing Lecocq to Beethoven! Rather good, that!
JEANNE. Stupid, am I not?
PAUL. I know better now! We still have five minutes; I’ll tell you a little about these people: it’s best to be on the safe side.
JEANNE. Oh, never mind!
PAUL. Come, Jeanne, five minutes! You _must_ know something about them!
JEANNE. After each “something” you must kiss me!
PAUL. All right, then; what a child you are! I won’t be long: mother, son, friend, and guest,—everyone of them very serious!
JEANNE. How amusing that will be!
PAUL. Don’t worry, there are two who are not so serious. I have kept them for the last.
JEANNE. One moment, please, pay me first! (_She counts on her fingers_) Madame de Céran, one; her son Roger, two; Miss Lucy, three; the two Saint-Réault; one Bellac, one Loudan and one Arriégo, that makes eight! (_She puts her cheek up to be kissed_)
PAUL. Eight what?
JEANNE. Eight “somethings“—pay.
PAUL. _What_ a child! There, there, there! (_He kisses her_)
JEANNE. Not so fast: retail, if you please.
PAUL. (_After having kissed her more slowly_) There, does that satisfy you?
JEANNE. For the present. Now, let’s have the two who are not serious!
PAUL. First, the Duchesse de Réville, the aunt, a handsome old lady who was a beauty in her day——
JEANNE. (_Questioningly_) Hmm?
PAUL. So they say! A bit brusque and direct—but an excellent lady and very sensible—as you’ll see. But last and best, Suzanne de Villiers! She, is not at all serious—it’s a fault with her.
JEANNE. At last, somebody who’s frivolous, thank Heaven!
PAUL. Girl of eighteen, a tom-boy, chatter-box, free with her tongue and her manners—with a life-history that reads like a novel.
JEANNE. Umm! Lovely, let’s hear it!
PAUL. She’s the daughter of a certain widow—
JEANNE. Yes?
PAUL. Well? Daughter of a widow—and that ass Georges de Villiers, another nephew of the Duchess; she adored him. A natural child.
JEANNE. Natural? How lovely!
PAUL. The mother and father are dead. The child was left an orphan at the age of twelve with a princely heritage and an education to match. Georges taught her Javanese. The Duchess, who adores her, brought her into the home of Madame de Céran, who detests her, and gave her Roger for a tutor. They tried their best to keep her in a convent, but she ran away twice; they sent her back a third time and—here she is again! Imagine that state of affairs! And that’s the end of the story—good, isn’t it?
JEANNE. So good that you needn’t pay me the two kisses you owe me.
PAUL. (_Disappointed_) Ohh!
JEANNE. But I’ll pay you! (_She kisses him_)
PAUL. Silly! (_The door at the back opens_) Oh! Saint-Réault and Madame de Céran! No, she didn’t see us. Now—ahem—ready!
(_Enter_ MME. DE CÉRAN _and_ SAINT-RÉAULT. _They pause in the doorway, not seeing_ PAUL _and_ JEANNE.)
MME. DE CÉRAN. No, no, no, my friend, not the first poll! Listen to me, 15-8-15 the first poll—— There was a secret ballot on that one and therefore on the second: it’s very simple!
SAINT-RÉAULT. Simple? Simple? Now the second poll, since I have only four votes on the second poll, with our nine votes on the first poll—that leaves us only thirteen on the second!
MME. DE CÉRAN. And our seven on the first—that makes twenty on the second! Don’t you see?
SAINT-RÉAULT. (_Enlightened_) Ahhh!
PAUL. (_To_ JEANNE) Very simple!
MME. DE CÉRAN. I repeat, beware of Dalibert and his Liberals. At present the Academy is Liberal—at present—at present! (_They come down-stage, talking_)
SAINT-RÉAULT. Isn’t Revel also the leader of the New School?
MME. DE CÉRAN. (_Looking at him_) Ohh! Revel isn’t dead yet, is he?
SAINT-RÉAULT. Oh, no!
MME. DE CÉRAN. He isn’t ill?
SAINT-RÉAULT. (_Slightly embarrassed_) Oh, he’s always in poor health.
MME. DE CÉRAN. Well, then?
SAINT-RÉAULT. We must always be prepared, mustn’t we?—I’ll keep my eyes open.
MME. DE CÉRAN. (_Aside_) There’s something at the bottom of all this! (_Seeing_ RAYMOND, _and going toward him_) Ah, my dear Monsieur Raymond, I was forgetting all about you; pardon me!
PAUL. My dear Countess! (_Presenting_ JEANNE) Madame Paul Raymond!
MME. DE CÉRAN. You are most welcome here, Madame! Consider yourself in the home of a friend. (_Presenting them to_ SAINT-RÉAULT) Monsieur Paul Raymond, Sub-prefect of Agenis, Madame Paul Raymond, Monsieur le baron Eriel de Saint-Réault.
PAUL. I am especially happy to make your acquaintance since, as a young man, it was my privilege to know your illustrious father. (_Aside_) He stuck me on my final examinations!
SAINT-RÉAULT. (_Bowing_) What a pleasant coincidence, M. le Préfet!
PAUL. Especially pleasant for me, M. le Baron!
(SAINT-RÉAULT _goes to the table and writes_.)
MME. DE CÉRAN. You will find my house a trifle austere for a person of your youth, Madame. You have only your husband to blame for your stay here.—It has its moments of monotony, but you may console yourself with the thought that resignation means obedience, and that in coming here you had no choice.
JEANNE. (_Gravely_) As regards that, Mme. la comtesse, “To be free is not to do what one wishes, but what one judges to be best”—as the philosopher Joubert has said.
MME. DE CÉRAN. (_Looking approvingly at_ PAUL) That is quite reassuring, my dear. But I think you will find that no matter how intellectual our circle may be, it is not lacking in _esprit_. Indeed this very evening you will find the _soirée_ particularly interesting. Monsieur de Saint-Réault has been kind enough to offer to read to us from his unpublished work on Rama-Ravana and the Sanscrit Legends.
PAUL. Really! Oh, Jeanne!
JEANNE. How fortunate we are!
MME. DE CÉRAN. After which I believe I can promise you something from Monsieur Bellac.
JEANNE. The Professor?
MME. DE CÉRAN. Do you know him?
JEANNE. What woman doesn’t? How delightful that will be!
MME. DE CÉRAN. An informal talk—_ad usum mundi_—a few words, gems of wisdom; and finally, the reading of an unpublished play.
PAUL. Oh! In verse?
MME. DE CÉRAN. The first work of a young man —an unknown poet, who is to be introduced to me this evening and whose play has just been accepted by the Théâtre-Francais.
PAUL. How fortunate we are to be able to enjoy among these charming people another of these wonderful opportunities that one finds nowhere except beneath your roof.
MME. DE CÉRAN. Doesn’t this literary atmosphere frighten you, Madame? Your charms will be wasted at a _soirée_ like this.
JEANNE. (_Seriously_) “What appears a waste to the vulgar is often a gain”—as M. de Tocqueville has said.
MME. DE CÉRAN. (_Looking at her in astonishment—aside to_ PAUL) She is charming! (SAINT-RÉAULT _rises, and goes toward the door_) Saint-Réault, where are you going?
SAINT-RÉAULT. (_As he goes_) To the station—a telegram. Excuse me—I’ll be back in ten minutes. (_He goes out_)
MME. DE CÉRAN. There is certainly something at the bottom of all this! (_She looks among the papers on the table—to_ JEANNE _and_ PAUL) I beg your pardon! (_She rings, and after a moment_ FRANCOIS _appears_) The papers?
FRANCOIS. M. de Saint-Réault took them away this morning. They are in his room.
PAUL. (_Drawing Le Journal Amusant from his pocket_) If you wish the——
JEANNE. (_Quickly checking him and at the same time producing the Journal des Debats[2] from her pocket and offering it to_ MME. DE CÉRAN) This is to-day’s paper, Countess.
[2] The “Journal Amusant” is a comic paper, the “Journal des Debats” a very old and conservative organ.
MME. DE CÉRAN. With pleasure—I am curious about—please pardon me again! (_She opens the paper and reads_)
PAUL. (_To his wife_) Bravo! Keep it up! The Joubert was excellent and the de Tocqueville—I say!
JEANNE. It wasn’t de Tocqueville—it was _I_.
PAUL. Oh!
MME. DE CÉRAN. (_Reading_) “Revel very ill.” Just what I thought. Saint-Réault isn’t losing much time. (_Handing the paper to_ PAUL) I found out what I wanted to know, thank you. But I shan’t keep you, you shall be shown to your rooms. We dine sharp at six; you know the Duchess is very punctual. At four tea is served; at five we take a stroll and at six have dinner. (_The clock strikes four_) Ah, four already, and here she is! (_The_ DUCHESS _enters, followed by_ FRANCOIS, _who brings her chair and her work-basket. A maid brings tea. The_ DUCHESS _sits in the chair placed for her_) My dear Aunt, allow me to present——
DUCHESS. (_Settling herself_) Wait a minute—wait a minute. There! Present whom? (_She looks through her lorgnette_) It isn’t Raymond that you want to present, is it? I’ve known him for a long time.
PAUL. (_Advancing with_ JEANNE) No, Duchess, but Madame Paul Raymond, his wife,—if you please!
DUCHESS. (_Gazing at_ JEANNE, _who bows_) She’s pretty—very pretty! With my Suzanne, and Lucy, despite her glasses, that makes three pretty women in my house—and heaven knows that’s not too many! (_She drinks_) And how on earth did a charming girl like you happen to marry that awful Republican?
PAUL. (_Chaffingly_) Oh, Duchess, I a Republican!
DUCHESS. Well, you were one, at least! (_She drinks again_)
PAUL. Oh, well, like everyone else, when I was little. That is the measles of politics, Duchess, everybody has to have it.
DUCHESS. (_Laughing_) Ah, oh, ah, the measles! Isn’t he funny! (_To_ JEANNE) And you, my dear, you like a joke once in a while, too?
JEANNE. Oh, Duchess, I have no objection to a little frivolity—in moderation.
DUCHESS. That isn’t very frivolous, but it’s better than nothing. Well, well—I like a little frivolity myself, especially in a person of your age. (_To the maid_) Here, take this away. (_She hands her cup to the maid_)
MME. DE CÉRAN. (_To the maid_) Will you show Madame Raymond to her room, Mademoiselle? (_To_ JEANNE) Your room is this way, just next to mine——
JEANNE. Thank you, Madame. (_To_ PAUL) Come, dear.
MME. DE CÉRAN. Oh, no, I have put your husband over there on the other side, among the workers: my son, the Count and Monsieur Bellac, in the Pavilion, which we call—a little pretentiously, perhaps—the Pavillion of the Muses. (_To_ PAUL) Francois will show you the way. I thought you would be able to work better there.
PAUL. Admirable arrangement, Countess; I thank you. (JEANNE _pinches him_) Oh!
JEANNE. (_Sweetly_) Go, my dear.
PAUL. (_Aside to her_) You’ll come at least and help me unpack my trunks?
JEANNE. How can I?
PAUL. Through the upper corridor.
DUCHESS. (_To_ MME. DE CÉRAN) If you think it pleases those two to separate them like that——
JEANNE. (_Aside_) I’ve gone too far!
MME. DE CÉRAN. (_To_ JEANNE) Aren’t you pleased with this arrangement?
JEANNE. Perfectly, Madame la comtesse; and you know better than anyone else _quid deceat, quid non_. (_She bows_)
MME. DE CÉRAN. (_To_ PAUL) She is perfectly charming!
(_They go out_; PAUL _right_, JEANNE _left_.)
DUCHESS. (_Seated near the table at the left, working at her fancy-work_) Ah, she knows Latin! She ought to be congenial to the company!
MME. DE CÉRAN. You know Revel is very ill.
DUCHESS. He is never anything else,—what’s that to me?
MME. DE CÉRAN. (_Sitting down_) What do you mean, Aunt? Revel is a second Saint-Réault. He holds at least fifteen positions: leader of the New School, for instance—a position which leads to any number of others! Just the thing for Roger. He returns to-day, and I’ve asked the Minister’s secretary to dinner this evening, you know.
DUCHESS. Yes, a new one: Toulonnier.
MME. DE CÉRAN. I take away his position from him to-night.
DUCHESS. So you want to make your son the leader of a school?
MME. DE CÉRAN. It’ll be another stepping-stone, you know, Aunt.
DUCHESS. You have brought him up to be a mere chess-pawn, haven’t you?
MME. DE CÉRAN. I have made of him a serious-minded man, Aunt.
DUCHESS. Yes, I should think so! A man of twenty-eight, who has never—done a foolish thing in his life, I’ll wager! It’s a perfect shame!
MME. DE CÉRAN. At thirty he will enter the Institute, and at thirty-five the Chamber of Deputies.
DUCHESS. So you want to begin again with your son, and do with him as you did with his father?
MME. DE CÉRAN. Did I make so miserable a failure of him?
DUCHESS. I say nothing about your husband: a dryasdust creature, with a mediocre intellect—!
MME. DE CÉRAN. Aunt!
DUCHESS. Of course, your husband was a fool!
MME. DE CÉRAN. Duchess!
DUCHESS. A fool who happened to know how to behave himself! You forced him into politics, you’ll admit that. And then, all you could make of him was Minister of Agriculture and Commerce. That isn’t much to boast about. But enough of him; Roger’s another matter: he has brains and spirit enough—or will have, God willing—or he’s no nephew of mine. That never occurred to you, did it?
MME. DE CÉRAN. I am thinking of his career.
DUCHESS. And his happiness?
MME. DE CÉRAN. I have thought of that, too.
DUCHESS. Ah, yes! Lucy, eh? They correspond, I know that. That’s fine! A young girl who wears glasses and has a neck like a——! And you call that thinking of his happiness!
MME. DE CÉRAN. Duchess, you are quite incorrigible!
DUCHESS. A sort of meteorite, who fell among us, intending to stop two weeks, and remained two years: a blue-stocking who writes letters to scholars and translates Schopenhauer!
MME. DE CÉRAN. A rich, intellectual, highly-educated and well-born orphan, niece of the Lord-Chancellor, who recommended her: she would be a splendid wife for Roger, and——
DUCHESS. That English iceberg? Brrrr! Just to kiss her would freeze the nose off his face! But you’re on a false scent. In the first place Bellac has his eye on her—yes, the Professor! He’s asked me too many questions about her to leave any doubt in my mind. And what is more, she seems fond of _him_.
MME. DE CÉRAN. Lucy?
DUCHESS. Yes, Lucy,—like all the rest of you! You’re all mad over him. I know more about this than you do.—No, no! Lucy is not the woman for your son!
MME. DE CÉRAN. I know your schemes: Suzanne is the woman!
DUCHESS. I don’t deny it. I have brought Suzanne here for that very purpose. I arranged that he should be her tutor and her master, so to speak, in order that he might marry her,—and marry her he shall!
MME. DE CÉRAN. You have counted without me, Duchess; I shall never consent.
DUCHESS. And why not? A girl who——
MME. DE CÉRAN. Is of questionable origin, questionable attraction, without education and manners.
DUCHESS. (_Bursting into laughter_) My living image at her age!
MME. DE CÉRAN. Without fortune! Without family!
DUCHESS. Without family? The daughter of my poor Georges? My handsome, good, kind Georges!—And she’s your cousin after all!
MME. DE CÉRAN. A natural child!
DUCHESS. Natural? Aren’t all children natural? You amuse me! She’s been legally recognized! And good heavens, when the devil’s put his finger in the pie why shouldn’t the rest of us? Me, too, eh?
MME. DE CÉRAN. The devil has put his finger in the pie, but not the way you think. _You_ are on the false scent.
DUCHESS. Oh, the Professor! Yes, Bellac. You told me that. You think no woman can follow his lectures without falling in love with him?
MME. DE CÉRAN. But Suzanne hasn’t missed a single lecture, Aunt, and she takes notes and corrects them and copies them—I tell you Suzanne is in earnest. And while he is speaking she never takes her eyes off him; she drinks in every word. And you think that is all for the sake of science! Nonsense, it isn’t the science she loves, it’s the scientist. That is as plain as day. You have only to watch her when she’s with Lucy. She is dreadfully jealous. And this recently acquired coquetry in a girl of her disposition—! She sighs, sulks, blushes, turns pale, laughs, cries——
DUCHESS. April showers! She’s just coming into bloom. She’s bored, poor child!
MME. DE CÉRAN. Here?
DUCHESS. Here? Do you think it’s amusing here? Do you suppose that if _I_ were eighteen, I should be here, among all your old ladies and your old gentlemen? I should say not! I’d associate with young people all the time; the younger the better, the handsomer the better, the more admirers I had the better! There are only two things that women never grow weary of: loving and being loved! And the older I grow the more I realize that there is no other happiness in the world!
MME. DE CÉRAN. There are more serious things in life than that, Duchess.
DUCHESS. More serious than love? Nonsense! Do you mean to say that when that is gone, there is any other happiness left? When we are old, we have false pleasures, just as we have false teeth, but there is only one true happiness, and that is love, love!
MME. DE CÉRAN. Oh, Aunt, you are too romantic!
DUCHESS. The fault of my years! Women find romance but twice in their lives: at sixteen in their own hearts, at sixty in the hearts of others. Well, you want your son to marry Lucy; I want him to marry Suzanne. You say Suzanne is in love with Bellac; I say, LUCY. Perhaps we are both wrong; it is for Roger to decide.
MME. DE CÉRAN. How?
DUCHESS. I shall explain the whole situation to him the moment he arrives.
MME. DE CÉRAN. Do you intend——?
DUCHESS. He is her tutor! (_Aside_) He must know.
(_Enter_ LUCY.)
LUCY. (_In a low-cut evening gown_) I believe your son has arrived, Madame.
MME. DE CÉRAN. The Count!
DUCHESS. Roger!
LUCY. His carriage has just come into the court.
MME. DE CÉRAN. At last!
DUCHESS. Were you afraid he wouldn’t return?
MME. DE CÉRAN. I feared he would not return in time. I was anxious about that place for him.
LUCY. Oh, he wrote me this morning that he would return to-day, Thursday.
DUCHESS. And you missed one of the Professor’s lectures in order to see him that much sooner. Hm, that’s lovely!
LUCY. That wasn’t the reason, Madame.
DUCHESS. (_Aside to_ MME. DE CÉRAN) You see?—No? Why then?
LUCY. No, I was looking for—I—it was another matter.
DUCHESS. I don’t suppose it is for that Schopenhauer gentleman you are all dressed up like that, is it?
LUCY. Is there not to be company this evening, Madame?
DUCHESS. (_Aside to_ MME. DE CÉRAN) Bellac, that’s as plain as day! (_To_ LUCY) Let me congratulate you, then. I have nothing to complain of, except those frightful glasses. Why do you wear such awful things?
LUCY. Because I cannot see without them, Madame.
DUCHESS. A nice reason! (_Aside_) Isn’t she practical! I detest practical people! She’ll pass, she’s not as thin as I thought she was! These English occasionally disappoint one pleasantly!
MME. DE CÉRAN. Ah, here’s my son!
(_Enter_ ROGER.)
ROGER. Mother! Mother! How good it is to see you again!
MME. DE CÉRAN. How good it is to see you, my dear! (_She holds out her hand, which he kisses_)
ROGER. What a long while it is since I’ve seen you!—Once more! (_He kisses her hand again_)
DUCHESS. (_Aside_) That embrace wouldn’t smother anyone!
MME. DE CÉRAN. The Duchess, my dear!
ROGER. (_Approaching the_ DUCHESS) Duchess!
DUCHESS. Call me Aunt, and give me a kiss!
ROGER. My dear Aunt! (_He starts to kiss her hand_)
DUCHESS. No! No! On the cheek! You must kiss me on the cheek! That is one of the privileges of age—Look at him now! Same little fellow as ever! Oh, you’ve let your moustache grow; isn’t he charming!
MME. DE CÉRAN. I hope, Roger, you will shave that off!
ROGER. Don’t let it disturb you, Mother, I shall do it at once!—Ah, how do you do, Lucy?
LUCY. How do you do, Roger? (_They shake hands_) Have you had a pleasant trip?
ROGER. Oh, most interesting. Think of it, an almost unexplored country, a veritable paradise for the scholar, the poet, and the artist—but I wrote you all about that!
DUCHESS. (_Sitting down_) Tell me about the women.
MME. DE CÉRAN. Duchess!
ROGER. (_Astonished_) What women do you mean, Aunt?
DUCHESS. Why, the Oriental women they say are so beautiful. Ah, you villain!
ROGER. Let me assure you, Aunt, I had no time to investigate that—detail!
DUCHESS. (_Indignantly_) Detail, indeed!
ROGER. (_Smiling_) Besides, the Government did not send me there for that!
DUCHESS. What did you see, then?
ROGER. You will find that in the _Revue Archéologique_.
LUCY. _Tombs of Eastern Asia_; isn’t that the subject, Roger?
ROGER. Yes, Lucy; now among those mounds—
LUCY. Ah, the mounds—those _Tumuli_——
DUCHESS. Come, come, you can chatter when you two are alone! Tell me, aren’t you tired? Did you just arrive?
ROGER. Oh, no, Aunt. I’ve been in Paris since yesterday.
DUCHESS. Did you go to the theater last night, Roger?
ROGER. No, I went at once to see the Minister.
MME. DE CÉRAN. Good! And what did he have to say to you?
LUCY. I’ll leave you alone!
MME. DE CÉRAN. You needn’t go, LUCY.
LUCY. Oh, I think I ought to go. I shall return in a few minutes. I’ll see you later.
ROGER. (_Taking her hand_) Until later, Lucy.
DUCHESS. (_Aside_) There’s a grand passion indeed!
(LUCY _goes out_. ROGER _accompanies her as far as the door to the left, while_ MME. DE CÉRAN _takes her place in the arm-chair, at the other side of the table_.)
MME. DE CÉRAN. Now, let’s hear what the Minister had to say!
DUCHESS. Ah, yes! Let’s hear. We’re anxious to know.
ROGER. He questioned me as to the results of my trip and asked me to submit my report as soon as possible, promising me a reward on the day it was handed in. You can guess what that reward will be. (_He touches the lapel of his coat, as if to show the ribbon of the Legion of Honor_)
MME. DE CÉRAN. Officer? That’s all very well, but I have something better. And then?
ROGER. Then he asked me to convey to you his kindest regards, and begged you keep him in mind when that law came up for consideration by the Senate.
MME. DE CÉRAN. I shall keep him in mind if he keeps me in mind.—You must set to work on your report at once.
ROGER. Immediately!
MME. DE CÉRAN. Did you leave cards for the Speaker of the House?
ROGER. Yes, this morning, and for General de Briais and Mme. de Vielfond.
MME. DE CÉRAN. Good! It must be known that you have returned. I’ll have a paragraph sent to the papers.—And one thing more: those articles you sent back from the East were very good. But I noticed with astonishment a tendency toward—what shall I say?—imagination, “fine” writing; descriptions, irrelevancies—even poetry—(_Reproachfully_) Alfred de Musset, my son!
DUCHESS. Yes, the article was most interesting: you must be more careful.
MME. DE CÉRAN. The Duchess is joking, my dear. But be careful about poetry; never do it again! You are concerned with serious subjects; you must be serious yourself.
ROGER. But I had no idea, Mother!—How can you tell when an article is serious?
DUCHESS. (_Holding up a pamphlet_) When the pages aren’t cut!
MME. DE CÉRAN. Your Aunt exaggerates, but take my advice: no more poetry!—And now, dinner at six. You have an hour to work on your report. I shan’t keep you any longer. Go to work, my dear.
DUCHESS. Just a moment! Now that this tender and affecting scene is over let us talk business, if you please. What about Suzanne?
ROGER. Oh, the dear child! Where is she?
DUCHESS. Attending a course of lectures on Comparative Literature.
ROGER. Suzanne?!
DUCHESS. Yes, Bellac’s course.
ROGER. Bellac, who is he?
DUCHESS. One of this winter’s crop! The season’s fad in scholars. A gallant knight from the Normal School, who makes love to the ladies, is made love to by them—and consequently makes a comfortable living. The Princess Okolitch, who is mad about him, like all the old ladies, conceived the idea of having him deliver a course of lectures in her salon, with literature as an excuse, and gossip as a result. It appears that your pupil, having seen all these grand ladies smitten with this young, amiable, and loquacious genius, has followed in the footsteps of her elders.
MME. DE CÉRAN. It is no use, Duchess——
DUCHESS. I beg your pardon; Roger is her tutor and he ought to know everything!
ROGER. But what does all this mean, Aunt?
DUCHESS. It means that Suzanne is in love with this gentleman; now do you understand?
ROGER. Suzanne! That child! Nonsense!
DUCHESS. It doesn’t take so long for a child to change into a woman, you know.
ROGER. Suzanne!
DUCHESS. Well, at least that is what your mother says.
MME. DE CÉRAN. I say that that young lady is openly courting favor with a man much too serious to marry her, but gallant enough to amuse her, and to have this going on under my own roof,—though it isn’t as yet scandalous—is decidedly improper.
DUCHESS. (_To_ ROGER) Do you hear that?
ROGER. But, Mother, you surprise me! Suzanne, a little child I left in short dresses, climbing trees, a child I used to punish with extra lessons, who used to jump on my knee and call me Daddy—— Come, come! It is impossible! Such demoralization at her age!
DUCHESS. Demoralization? Because she is in love! You are a true son of your mother, if there ever was one! At “her age”! You ought to have seen me when I was that old! There was a hussar, in a blue and silver uniform! He was superb! His brains were all in his sword-hilt! But at my age—! A young heart is like a new land: the discoverer is seldom the ruler. Now it seems—this Bellac—oh, it doesn’t seem possible, and yet—young girls, you know—- We must take care! (_Aside_) I don’t believe a word of it, but I’ll be on my guard!—And that is why I want you to do me the favor of burying your _Tumuli_ and giving your attention to her, and her alone.
(_Enter_ SUZANNE.)
SUZANNE. (_Stealing up behind_ ROGER, _puts her hands over his eyes_) Who is it?
ROGER. (_Rising_) Ehh?
SUZANNE. (_Stepping in front of him_) Here I am!
ROGER. (_Surprised_) But,—Mademoiselle!
SUZANNE. Naughty man! Not to recognize your own daughter!
ROGER. Suzanne!
DUCHESS. (_Aside_) He’s blushing!
SUZANNE. Well, aren’t you going to kiss me?
MME. DE CÉRAN. Suzanne, that’s not quite the thing——
SUZANNE. To kiss your father? The idea!
DUCHESS. (_To_ ROGER) Kiss her, why don’t you!
(SUZANNE _and_ ROGER _kiss_.)
SUZANNE. How happy I am! Just think, I had no idea you were coming home to-day! Mme. de Saint-Réault told me just now at the lecture; so, without saying a word—I was right near the door—I whisked out and ran to the station!
MME. DE CÉRAN. Alone?
SUZANNE. Yes, all alone! Oh, it was fun! The funniest part—wait till I tell you! When I got to the ticket office I found I didn’t have a sou, and, what do you think?—a gentleman who was buying his ticket offered to buy one for me. Oh, he was a very nice young man! He happened to be going to St. Germain, too, and when he offered to buy my ticket, another man offered, too: a respectable-looking old gentleman,—and then another—and after him, any number of others, who were standing there. They were all going to St. Germain. “But, Mademoiselle, I beg you—I really cannot allow you to——” “Allow me—no, me,—I beg you, Mademoiselle!” I let the old respectable gentleman buy the ticket—for the sake of appearances.
MME. DE CÉRAN. You allowed him to——?
SUZANNE. I couldn’t very well stay where I was, could I?
MME. DE CÉRAN. From a perfect stranger?
SUZANNE. But he was such a respectable old gentleman! And he was very nice to me! He helped me into the train. So nice of him! Of course, all the rest were, too; _they_ all got into the compartment with us.—And it was so jolly! Such fun! They offered me their places, every one! They opened the window for me, and then fell all over themselves being nice to me! “This way, Mademoiselle! Not there, you’ll be in the sun!” And they pulled down their cuffs, and twirled their moustaches, and bowed and scraped as if I’d been some grand lady—Oh, it’s fun to go by yourself! And the respectable old gentleman kept talking all the time about his immense estates, but what did I care about that?
MME. DE CÉRAN. Why, this is outrageous!
SUZANNE. But the funniest thing of all was when we arrived, I found my purse in my pocket; I paid the respectable old gentleman for the ticket, made a pretty curtsey to the other gentlemen, and then I ran off. Oh, you should have seen how they all looked at me! (_To_ ROGER) Just as you do now! Why, what’s the matter? Kiss me again!
MME. DE CÉRAN. (_To the_ DUCHESS) There’s an impropriety even worse than the rest!
SUZANNE. Impropriety!
DUCHESS. You see, she’s perfectly innocent!
MME. DE CÉRAN. A young girl traveling alone in a train!
SUZANNE. Doesn’t Lucy go out alone?
MME. DE CÉRAN. Lucy is not a girl of sixteen!
SUZANNE. No: she’ll never see twenty-four again!
MME. DE CÉRAN. Lucy is able to take care of herself.
SUZANNE. Why? Because of those glasses of hers?
DUCHESS. (_Laughing_) Now, Suzanne! (_Aside_) I adore that girl!
MME. DE CÉRAN. Lucy wasn’t expelled from the convent!
SUZANNE. That isn’t fair, and you know it! I was so bored—!
MME. DE CÉRAN. Your tutor knows——
SUZANNE. But he doesn’t know why—you’ll see if it wasn’t unfair. When I used to get bored in class, I sat near the door leading into the garden. Oh, it was so easy! I had a clever plan! When everything was as quiet as could be, I shouted at the top of my voice, “Long live the great Voltaire!” Sister Séraphine at once ordered me to leave the room. It was perfectly simple, and it only took a moment. One day when the sun was shining beautifully, I was looking out of the window, and all at once I shouted, “Long live Voltaire!” I listened, there was no answer. I shouted again, “Voltaire!” Silence again! Very much surprised, I turned around: the Mother Superior was there: I hadn’t heard her come in! Tableau! But she didn’t send me into the garden, oh, no! She sent me here! I didn’t care! I had had enough of that convent life.—I’m a woman now!
MME. DE CÉRAN. Your conduct fails to reveal the fact.—Mme. de Saint-Réault must be very anxious about you.
SUZANNE. Oh, the lecture was almost over: she will be here in a moment, with M. Bellac and the others. Oh, his lecture to-day——!
DUCHESS. (_Looking at_ ROGER) Hm!
SUZANNE. And the way those women applauded! And the crowd! And what wonderful gowns! It was like a wedding at Ste. Clotilde! It was—(_Throwing a kiss_) superb!
DUCHESS. (_Looking at_ ROGER) Hm!
SUZANNE. Superb! You ought to have heard those women! “Charming, charming!” Madame de Loudan was squeaking like a Guinea-pig. Ugh, ugh! I detest that woman!
DUCHESS. (_Looking at_ ROGER) Hm! (_To_ SUZANNE) Are those the notes you took at the lectures?
SUZANNE. Oh, I take others besides. (_To_ ROGER) You’ll see!
DUCHESS. (_To_ ROGER, _picking up the notebook from the table, where_ SUZANNE _had left it on entering_) Well, let’s see—(_The clock strikes five_) Oh, and my walk! (_Aside to_ ROGER) Now you understand Bellac’s role in this matter?
ROGER. No, I——
DUCHESS. Examine it, study it,—it’s a manuscript worth your while deciphering; that’s your profession.
ROGER. I don’t understand anything about this?
DUCHESS. It is your duty, you know, as her tutor.
MME. DE CÉRAN. (_Aside_) That’s a waste of time!
DUCHESS. (_Aside, looking at_ ROGER) That has waked him up!
SUZANNE. (_Aside, looking at all of them_) What are they all up to?
(_The_ DUCHESS _and_ MME. DE CÉRAN _go out_.)
SUZANNE. Why do you stare at me? Because I went out alone? Are you angry?
ROGER. No, Suzanne, but you ought to know better than to——
SUZANNE. Are you angry with me?
ROGER. No, only——
SUZANNE. Then it’s because you consider me a woman now, is it? Do you? Tell me, I want so much to know!
ROGER. Yes, you are a woman now, and it is for that very reason that we must respect the conventions.
SUZANNE. (_Snuggling up to him_) Scold me, I love to hear you, dear!
ROGER. (_Gently pushing her away_) There now, stay over there.
SUZANNE. So you don’t want me to call you “dear,” either?
ROGER. It would be better not to.
SUZANNE. That isn’t easy.
ROGER. And there are other questions of propriety which you must consider. That is exactly what I was objecting to——
SUZANNE. Oh, yes, I know, I have no manners. M. Bellac is never tired of telling me so!
ROGER. Ah, Monsieur——?
SUZANNE. But what can you expect? There is no help for it! It’s not my fault, I tell you, it’s not my fault. It is not so easy as you think; I made a vow with myself that when you came back you would find me just as formal as Lucy, that I would wear myself out learning!—Here I’ve been studying six months—and then all of a sudden you appear and, whist—there goes six months’ work for nothing!
ROGER. (_Reproachfully_) For nothing?
SUZANNE. Oh, how glad I am you’ve come! Oh, how I love you! I adore you!
ROGER. Suzanne, Suzanne! I beg of you not to use words that you cannot possibly understand.
SUZANNE. What? That I don’t understand? I tell you I adore you! You, you funny old thing, don’t you love me, too? Why are you so funny? Do you love me better than Lucy?
ROGER. Suzanne!
SUZANNE. Are you sure? You’re not going to marry her?
ROGER. Suzanne!
SUZANNE. They told me you were.
ROGER. Nonsense!
SUZANNE. Then why do you write to her?—Oh, I know; you’ve written twenty-seven letters to her—I’ve counted them, twenty-seven!
ROGER. Those were nothing but——
SUZANNE. And one more this morning. Were they all “nothing buts”? What was in that letter that came this morning?
ROGER. I merely wrote that I should arrive on Thursday.
SUZANNE. That you would arrive on Thursday? Was that all, really? But why didn’t you write to me? Then I’d have been the first to see you.
ROGER. But haven’t I written to you—often?
SUZANNE. Often? Ten times. And then nothing but little insignificant notes at the bottom of someone else’s letter—the kind you’d write to a baby. I’m not a baby any longer: I’ve been thinking a lot these last six months; I’ve learned a heap of things.
ROGER. What have you learned? (SUZANNE _leans against his shoulder and cries_) Why, Suzanne, what’s wrong?
SUZANNE. (_Wiping her eyes and trying to laugh_) And then I’ve worked—! Oh, how I worked! Piano, that horrid piano—I’m up to Schumann now, that’s proper enough, isn’t it?
ROGER. Oh!
SUZANNE. Shall I play you something of his?
ROGER. Not now, later!
SUZANNE. All right.—And I’ve learned so much!
ROGER. You are attending Professor Bellac’s lectures, aren’t you? So he’s taken my place!
SUZANNE. Yes, he’s been so nice! I love him, too.
ROGER. Indeed!
SUZANNE. Are you jealous of him?
ROGER. I?
SUZANNE. Tell me if you are; I’ll understand. I’m so jealous! But why should _you_ be? You’re my father, aren’t you?
ROGER. Oh, your father——
SUZANNE. What’s wrong? Be nice to me, the way you used to!
ROGER. The way I used to? Oh, no!
SUZANNE. Yes, the way you used to! (_She attempts to embrace him_)
ROGER. No, no, no, Suzanne, don’t do that!
SUZANNE. Why not?
ROGER. Come now, that’s enough! Run away now! (_Sits on the sofa_)
SUZANNE. I like you that way!
ROGER. Be a little bit reasonable.
SUZANNE. Oh, we’ve had enough reasonableness for to-day. (_She ruffles his hair, laughing_)
ROGER. Run away, now! A big girl like you!
SUZANNE. (_Jealously_) If I were only Lucy——
ROGER. Now, now! Please, dear!
SUZANNE. There, you said “dear.” Forfeit! (_She sits on his knee and kisses him_)
ROGER. Again!
SUZANNE. All right, again! (_She kisses him_)
ROGER. (_Repulsing her as he rises_) This is too much!
SUZANNE. I’m an awful tease, am I not? Well, I’ll get my notebooks for you: they’ll calm us down a little. (_She stops in the doorway and looks at him_) Oh, here are the ladies and M. Bellac! What! Lucy in an evening gown? Wait one moment! (_She runs out_)
ROGER. (_Agitated_) This is decidedly too much!
(_Enter the_ DUCHESS.)
DUCHESS. Well?
ROGER. Well——
DUCHESS. How excited you look!
ROGER. You see, she was so affectionate—too affectionate!
DUCHESS. Yes, I advise you to complain! See what I have found! (_She takes a mounted photograph from between the leaves of_ SUZANNE’S _notebook_)
ROGER. A picture——
DUCHESS. Of the Professor, yes——
ROGER. In her notebook.
DUCHESS. But look here——
ROGER. May I——?
THE LADIES. (_Outside_) What a lovely lesson! Magnificent!
DUCHESS. There’s the beautiful object! Surrounded by his bodyguard!
(_Enter_ BELLAC, MADAME ARRIÉGO, MADAME DE LOUDAN, MADAME DE SAINT-RÉAULT, MADAME DE CÉRAN, _and_ LUCY.)
MME. DE SAINT-RÉAULT. Superb! Simply superb!
BELLAC. Oh, spare me, Madame de Saint-Réault!
MME. DE LOUDAN. Ideal! I call it ideal!
BELLAC. Marquise!
MME. ARRIÉGO. Beautiful! It stirred me to the depths of my being!
BELLAC. Oh, Madame Arriégo!
MME. DE LOUDAN. Ladies, there is only one thing to say about it all! M. Bellac was so eloquent that he was positively dangerous! But then—isn’t he always a little dangerous?
BELLAC. Please, Madame de Loudan!
MME. DE LOUDAN. I’m simply mad about your genius! Yes, indeed, mad! And about you, too! Oh, I don’t hide it. I tell everyone about it! Brazenly! You are one of the gods on my Olympus! You have become a fetish to me!
MME. ARRIÉGO. You know, I have his autograph in my pocket! (_Displays locket_) There!
MME. DE LOUDAN. (_Shows a pen which she carries in the bosom of her gown_) And I carry one of his pens!
DUCHESS. (_Aside to_ ROGER) Silly sheep!
MME. DE LOUDAN. (_To_ MME. DE CÉRAN) Ah, Countess, I didn’t see you at the lecture to-day?
MME. DE CÉRAN. (_Introducing_ ROGER) Here is my excuse! Ladies, my son!
LADIES. Ah, Count!
MME. DE LOUDAN. The exile has returned!
ROGER. (_Bowing_) Ladies!
MME. DE CÉRAN. (_Introduces_ BELLAC _to her son_) Monsieur Bellac—Count Roger de Céran!
MME. DE LOUDAN. I see that your excuse was a good one—but Lucy?
LUCY. I was busy here.
MME. DE LOUDAN. How could _you_ stay away, his Muse?
BELLAC. (_Gallantly_) Ah, Marquise, I can only say that _you_ were there!
MME. DE LOUDAN. He is charming! (_To_ LUCY) You don’t know what you missed.
LUCY. Oh, I know——
MME. ARRIÉGO. No, she can have no idea! It was a burning flame, a fire of passion!
MME. DE LOUDAN. What flowing eloquence! What delicacy of imagination!
BELLAC. With such an audience, who could not be eloquent?
DUCHESS. And what was the subject to-day?
LADIES. LOVE!
DUCHESS. (_To_ ROGER) Of course!
MME. ARRIÉGO. So poetic!
MME. DE LOUDAN. And so scientific! He is half psychologist, half dreamer; he plays with the scalpel as well as the lyre! It was—there was only one thing I couldn’t agree with: that the basis of love is instinct.
BELLAC. But, Marquise, I was speaking of——
MME. DE LOUDAN. Oh, no, no!
BELLAC. I was speaking of love in Nature!
MME. DE LOUDAN. Instinct! The idea! Ladies, come, we must defend ourselves! Help me. Come to the rescue, Lucy!
BELLAC. She will not help you, Marquise; she agrees with me.
MME. DE SAINT-RÉAULT. Is it possible, Lucy?
LUCY. Instinct?
MME. DE SAINT-RÉAULT. In love?
MME. DE LOUDAN. That would be robbing the soul of its most precious possession: according to you, then, Lucy, nothing is good, or bad.
LUCY. (_Coldly_) There is no question about good or bad, Madame, it is merely a question of the existence of the species.
LADIES. (_Protesting_) Oh!
DUCHESS. (_Aside_) She’s prosaic enough about it!
MME. DE LOUDAN. (_Indignantly_) Why, you’re stripping love of all its romance!
LUCY. Hunter and Darwin——
MME. DE LOUDAN. No one better than I knows the weaknesses of the flesh. Matter dominates and masters us! I know it, I feel it! But leave us at least the psychic refuge of pure ecstasy!
BELLAC. But, Marquise——
MME. DE LOUDAN. Be quiet, you’re a villain! I will not deny my god; that would be sacrilege. I’m very angry with you!
DUCHESS. (_Aside_) Little fool!
BELLAC. I hope we shall be reconciled, after you read my book.
MME. DE LOUDAN. But when will that be? The entire world is waiting for that book! And you don’t say a word about it! You won’t even tell us the title!
LADIES. Tell us the title! At least the title!
MME. ARRIÉGO. Lucy, you make him tell us.
LUCY. Well, what is the title?
BELLAC. (_To_ LUCY, _after a moment’s hesitation_) “Miscellanies.”
MME. DE LOUDAN. Oh, how lovely! But when does it appear?
BELLAC. I am hurrying it through the press, and I count on its helping me to the honor to which I aspire.
MME. DE CÉRAN. To which you aspire?
MME. ARRIÉGO. What more can he wish?
MME. DE LOUDAN. What more can the child of Fortune wish?
BELLAC. Poor Revel is on his last legs, you know. In the event of anything happening to him, I have announced myself as candidate for the position of director of the New School.
DUCHESS. (_To_ MME. DE CÉRAN) Number three!
BELLAC. Ladies, if Revel should die—which God forbid!—I recommend myself to your good graces, and your influence.
LADIES. You may count on us, Bellac!
BELLAC. (_Approaching the_ DUCHESS) And you, Duchess, may I hope——?
DUCHESS. You mustn’t ask me anything before dinner. The weakness of the flesh “dominates me,” as Madame de Loudan says. (_The clock strikes_) There, you have only fifteen minutes! Get dressed at once, and we’ll talk the matter over at table.
MME. DE CÉRAN. At table? But M. Toulonnier hasn’t arrived yet, Duchess.
DUCHESS. That makes no difference to me. We dine sharp at six, whether he is here or not.
MME. DE CÉRAN. Dine without him, a General Secretary?
DUCHESS. Oh, under the Republic!
(_Enter_ SUZANNE, _with her notebooks under her arm; she puts them on the table, right_.)
MME. DE CÉRAN. I am going to meet him. (_To_ BELLAC) My dear Professor, you will be shown to your room. (_She rings and, a moment later, enter_ FRANCOIS)
BELLAC. Pray don’t trouble, Countess, I have the good fortune to know the way. (_Aside to_ LUCY) Did you get my letter?
LUCY. Yes, but——
(BELLAC _makes a sign for her to be silent, bows and goes out, right_.)
MME. DE LOUDAN. And now, ladies, let us adjourn and make ourselves beautiful!
MME. ARRIÉGO. Come!
MME. DE CÉRAN. Come with me, Lucy.
LUCY. With pleasure, Madame!
MME. DE LOUDAN. In that gown? Are you not afraid of the seductive charm of this spring evening, my dear?
LUCY. Oh, I shan’t be cold!
MME. DE LOUDAN. You are a true daughter of the Land of Fogs! I am very much afraid of the night air!
(MADAME DE LOUDAN _goes out with_ MADAME ARRIÉGO, _left_. _As_ LUCY _starts to follow_ MADAME DE CÉRAN _into the garden, she is intercepted by_ FRANCOIS.)
FRANCOIS. I still can’t find the pink paper, Mademoiselle.
SUZANNE. (_Picking up a pink paper which she has knocked off the table, while putting her notebooks on it. Aside_) A pink paper! (_She looks at the paper_)
LUCY. Ah, yes, the letter we were looking for this morning!
SUZANNE. (_Aside, quickly hiding the letter behind her back_) That you were looking for this morning!
LUCY. (_As she is leaving the room_) Never mind looking for it now. (_She goes out into the garden_; FRANCOIS _follows her_)
SUZANNE. (_Looking at_ LUCY _as_ ROGER _enters_) The letter this morning!
(_Enter the_ DUCHESS.)
DUCHESS. How’s this? You’re not ready yet? Nor you? What are you doing here?
(SUZANNE _looks at_ ROGER _without answering_.)
ROGER. (_To the_ DUCHESS) Ah, these are the notebooks! Give them to me, Suzanne. (_He goes to her, she hands them to him, looking at him in silence_) What’s the matter with her?
DUCHESS. Let me look at those notebooks!
(ROGER _goes to the_ DUCHESS, _who is seated left_. SUZANNE, _to the right of the table, tries without being seen to open the paper which she holds in her left hand_.)
ROGER. (_Looking at_ SUZANNE—_astonished_) That’s strange!
DUCHESS. (_To_ ROGER, _drawing him toward her_) Come here, closer—my eyes are bad——
ROGER. (_Lowering the notebooks, as he steals a glance at_ SUZANNE. _Suddenly he seizes the_ DUCHESS _by the arm, and whispers_) Aunt!
DUCHESS. (_To_ ROGER, _aside_) What’s the matter now?
ROGER. Look! But don’t turn your head! She’s trying to read something! A letter, you see! She’s trying to hide it, don’t you see?
DUCHESS. Yes!
SUZANNE. (_Who has opened the letter; reading_) “I shall arrive Thursday.” (_Astonished_) From Roger! The one Lucy got this morning! (_She looks at the letter_) But why is it written that way, without any signature? (_Continues reading_) “This evening at ten; in the conservatory. Say you have a headache.” Ah!
DUCHESS. What can it be? (_Calling_) Suzanne!
SUZANNE. (_Surprised; puts the letter behind her back, and goes toward the_ DUCHESS) Yes, Aunt?
DUCHESS. What are you reading there?
SUZANNE. I, Aunt? Nothing.
DUCHESS. I thought that—come here!
SUZANNE. (_Slipping the letter under the books on the table, as she goes toward the_ DUCHESS) Yes, Aunt?
DUCHESS. (_Aside_) This is curious!
SUZANNE. (_Near the_ DUCHESS) What is it, Aunt?
DUCHESS. Get my mantle for me.
SUZANNE. (_Hesitating_) But——
DUCHESS. You don’t care to?
SUZANNE. Oh, certainly, Aunt!
DUCHESS. It’s in my room; hurry! (SUZANNE _goes out. To_ ROGER) Quick! On the table!
ROGER. What?
DUCHESS. The letter! She’s hidden it! I saw her!
ROGER. Hidden it? (_He goes to the table and looks for the letter_)
DUCHESS. On the corner, there! Under the black book. Don’t you see anything?
ROGER. No—oh, yes!—a pink paper. (_He takes the letter and brings it to the_ DUCHESS, _reading it as he walks_) Oh!
DUCHESS. What is it?
ROGER. (_Reading_) “I shall arrive Thursday.” From Bellac!
DUCHESS. (_Snatching the letter from him and reading it_) From—? But it isn’t signed. And the handwriting——?
ROGER. Yes, disguised. Oh, he’s a crafty one! But “I shall arrive Thursday” applies to me as well as to him!
DUCHESS. (_Reading_) “This evening at ten in the conservatory. Say you have a headache.” A rendezvous! (_Giving him the letter_) Quick, put it back, I hear her coming!
ROGER. (_Agitated_) All right. (_Puts letter back in place_)
DUCHESS. Come now.
ROGER. Very well.
DUCHESS. Hurry up! (ROGER _resumes his position by the side of the_ DUCHESS) And be calm! Here she is. (SUZANNE _re-enters. The_ DUCHESS _turns over the leaves in the notebook_) Well, these are very good, very good!
SUZANNE. Here’s your mantle, Aunt.
DUCHESS. Thank you, dear. (_Aside to_ ROGER) Speak up.
(SUZANNE _goes to the table, takes the letter, glances through it, turning away as before_.)
ROGER. (_Agitated_) There are—well—er—certain—you have made wonderful progress—er—I am astonished—(_Aside to_ DUCHESS, _pointing to_ SUZANNE) Aunt!
DUCHESS. (_Aside_) Yes, she’s picked it up again; I saw her. (_The dinner-gong sounds_) The second bell! Hurry and get dressed, Suzanne! You’ll never be ready in time.
SUZANNE. (_Aside as she looks at_ ROGER) A rendezvous! With Lucy! Oh!
(_She goes up to_ ROGER _without saying a word and, looking him straight in the eye, takes her notebooks out of his hand, tears them and throws the pieces angrily to the floor; then she goes out_.)
ROGER. (_Astonished; turning to the_ DUCHESS) Aunt!
DUCHESS. A rendezvous!
ROGER. With Bellac!
DUCHESS. Nonsense!
ROGER. (_Falling into a chair_) Who could have imagined such a thing!
(_Voices heard outside. The door at the back opens._)
DUCHESS. (_Looking out_) Ah, here comes Toulonnier! And everybody, _and_ dinner, too! Quick, go and dress! It will calm your nerves; you’re very pale.
ROGER. Suzanne! It’s not possible! (_He goes out_)
DUCHESS. No, it’s not possible! And yet——!
(_Enter_ MADAME DE CÉRAN, TOULONNIER, M. _and_ MME. DE SAINT-RÉAULT _and a moment later_, LUCY, MADAME DE LOUDAN, MADAME ARRIÉGO, _with_ BELLAC _in their midst_.)
MME. DE CÉRAN. (_Introducing_ TOULONNIER _to the_ DUCHESS) The Secretary General, Aunt.
TOULONNIER. (_Bowing_) Madame la duchesse!
DUCHESS. My dear Monsieur Toulonnier, we were just going to sit down without you.
TOULONNIER. I hope you will pardon me, my dear Duchess, but—business, you know! We are literally up to the ears in work. You’ll permit me to leave early, I trust?
DUCHESS. With pleasure!
MME. DE CÉRAN. (_Embarrassed_) Ah, Monsieur Bellac!
TOULONNIER. (_To whom_ MME. DE CÉRAN _introduces_ BELLAC) Monsieur! (_He and_ BELLAC _shake hands and talk_)
MME. DE CÉRAN. (_Coming to the_ DUCHESS) Be nice to him, Aunt; please.
DUCHESS. Your Republican friend? Nonsense! A man who gives us twenty minutes of his time as if he were a king! The idea!
MME. DE CÉRAN. You will at least allow him to escort you to the table?
DUCHESS. I should think not! Keep him yourself! I’ll take little Raymond. He’s much more amusing.
(_Enter_ ROGER, _dressed for dinner_.)
ROGER. (_To the_ DUCHESS, _frightened_) Aunt!
DUCHESS. Well, what is it now?
ROGER. Oh, something—I just overheard something in the corridor upstairs. It’s unbelievable.
DUCHESS. Well, what?
ROGER. I didn’t see who was speaking, but I’m sure I heard——
(RAYMOND _and_ JEANNE _enter furtively_.)
DUCHESS. Well, what?
ROGER. The sound of a kiss! What do you think of that?
DUCHESS. Of a what?
ROGER. Yes, I’m sure I heard it!
DUCHESS. Well, who——
MME. DE CÉRAN. (_Introducing to_ TOULONNIER) Monsieur Paul Raymond, Sub-prefect of Agenis.
RAYMOND. Monsieur le Secrétaire-Géneral! (_Introducing_ JEANNE) Madame Paul Raymond.
(SUZANNE _enters, wearing an evening gown._)
MME. DE LOUDAN. (_Seeing_ SUZANNE) Ohh!
BELLAC. Ah, my young pupil!
(_Murmurs of astonishment._)
ROGER. (_To the_ DUCHESS) Look, Aunt! _Décolletée!_ It’s disgraceful!
DUCHESS. I don’t think so. (_Aside_) She’s been crying.
FRANCOIS. (_Announcing_) Dinner is served.
ROGER. (_Approaching_ SUZANNE, _who is conversing with_ BELLAC) I must know! (_Offering her his arm_) Suzanne! (SUZANNE _looks at him coldly and takes the arm of_ BELLAC, _who is speaking with_ LUCY)
BELLAC. (_To_ SUZANNE) How the rest will envy me, Mademoiselle!
ROGER. (_Aside_) This is too much! (_He offers his arm to_ LUCY)
DUCHESS. What does this mean?—Come, Raymond, give me your arm. (RAYMOND _approaches her_) My friend, one must suffer much before one becomes a Prefect!
PAUL. The suffering is by no means unpleasant, Duchess.
DUCHESS. You’re going to sit next to me at the table. We’ll slander the Government!
PAUL. Oh, Duchess! And I one of her servants! Oh, no!—But there is nothing to prevent my listening to you!
_Curtain._