Part 7

“That no one might hear her, she whispered in my ear; ‘Think of the present you will make me for the good news I bring you.’ These words produced a wonderful effect; I raised myself in my bed, and replied with transport, ‘The present will not be deficient; what have you to tell me?’--‘My dear sir,’ resumed she, ‘you will not die this time, and I shall soon have the pleasure of seeing you in perfect health, and well satisfied with me; yesterday being Monday, I went to the lady you are in love with, and found her in very good humour; I at first put on a mournful countenance, uttered an abundance of sighs, and shed some tears. ‘My good mother,’ said she, ‘what is the matter? Why are you in such affliction?’--‘Alas! my dear and honorable lady,’ replied I, ‘I am just come from the young gentleman I spoke to you of the other day; it is all over with him; he is at the point of death, and all for love of you; it is a great pity, I assure you, and you are very cruel.’--‘I do not know,’ said she, ‘why you should accuse me of being the cause of his death: how can I have contributed to his illness?’--‘How?’ replied I, ‘did I not tell you, that he seated himself before your window, just as you opened it to water your flowers? He beheld this prodigy of beauty, these charms, which your mirror reflects every day; from that moment he has languished for you, and his disease is so augmented, that he is now reduced to the pitiable state I have had the honor of describing to you. You may remember, madam,’ continued I, ‘how rigorously you treated me lately, when I was going to tell you of his illness, and propose to you a method of relieving him from his dangerous condition; I returned to him after I left you, and he no sooner perceived, from my countenance, that I did not bring a favorable account, than his malady redoubled its violence. From that time, madam, he has been in the most imminent danger of death; and I do not know, whether you could now save his life, even if you were inclined to take pity on him.’

“‘This was what I said to her,’ added the old lady. ‘The fear of your death staggered her, and I saw her face change colour. ‘Is what you say to me quite true,’ said she, ‘and does his illness proceed only from his love of me?’--‘Ah, madam,’ replied I, ‘it is but too true: would to heaven it were false!’--‘And do you really think,’ resumed she, ‘that the hope of seeing and speaking to me could contribute to diminish the peril of his situation?’--‘It very likely may,’ said I, ‘and if you desire me, I will try this remedy.’--‘Well then,’ replied she, sighing, ‘let him hope that he may see me; but he must not expect any other favors, unless he aspires to marry me, and my father gives his consent!’--‘Madam,’ said I, ‘you are very good; I will go directly to this young gentleman, and announce to him, that he will have the pleasure of seeing and conversing with you.’--‘I do not know,’ said she, ‘that I can fix a more convenient time to do him this favor than on Friday next, during the mid-day prayer. Let him observe when my father goes out to attend at the mosque; and then let him come immediately before this house, if he is well enough to go abroad. I shall see him arrive, from my window, and will come down to let him in. We will converse together while the prayer lasts, and he will retire before my father returns.’

“‘This is Tuesday,’ continued the old lady, ‘between this and Friday you will be sufficiently recovered to encounter this interview.’ Whilst the good lady was talking, I felt my disorder diminish, or rather by the time she had concluded her discourse, I found myself quite recovered. ‘Take this,’ said I, giving her my purse, which was quite full, ‘to you alone I owe my cure; I think this money better employed than all I have given to the physicians, who have done nothing but torment me during my illness.’

“The lady having left me, I found myself sufficiently strong to get up. My relations, delighted to see me so much better, congratulated me on my recovery, and took their leave.

“Friday morning being arrived, the old lady came whilst I was dressing, and making choice of the handsomest dress my wardrobe contained. ‘I do not ask you,’ said she, ‘how you find yourself; the occupation you are engaged in sufficiently convinces me of what I am to think; but will not you bathe before you go to the principal cadi’s?’--‘That would take up too much time,’ replied I, ‘I shall content myself with sending for a barber to shave my head and beard.’ I then ordered one of my slaves to seek one who was expert in his business, as well as expeditious.

“The slave brought me this unlucky barber, who is here present. After having saluted me, he said, ‘Sir, by your countenance you seem to be unwell.’ I replied, that I was recovering from a very severe illness. ‘I wish God may preserve you from all kinds of evils,’ continued he, ‘and may his grace accompany you every where.’--‘I hope he will grant this wish,’ said I, ‘for which I am much obliged to you.’--‘As you are now recovering from illness,’ resumed he, ‘I pray God that he will preserve you in health. Now tell me what is your pleasure; I have brought my razors and my lancets; do you wish me to shave or to bleed you?’--‘Did I not tell you,’ returned I, ‘that I am recovering from illness? You may suppose, then, that I did not send for you to bleed me. Be quick and shave me, and do not lose time in talking, for I am in a hurry, and have an appointment precisely at noon.’

“The barber employed a great deal of time in undoing his apparatus and preparing his razors; instead of putting some water into his bason, he drew out of his case a very nice astrolabe, went out of my room, and walked into the middle of the court, with a sedate step, to take the height of the sun. He returned with the same gravity, and on entering the chamber, ‘You will, no doubt, be glad to learn, sir,’ said he, ‘that this Friday is the eighteenth day of the moon of Safar, in the year six hundred and fifty three, [6] since the retreat of our great prophet from Mecca to Medina, and in the year seven thousand three hundred and twenty, [7] of the epoch of the great Iskander with the two horns; and that the conjunction of Mars and Mercury signifies, that you cannot choose a better time than the present day and present hour to be shaved. But, on the other side, this conjunction forms a bad presage for you. It demonstrates to me, that you in this day will encounter a great danger; not indeed of losing your life, but of an inconvenience which will remain with you all your days; you ought to be obliged to me for advertising you to be careful of this misfortune; I should be sorry that it befel you.’

“Judge, gentlemen, of my vexation, at having fallen in the way of this chattering and ridiculous barber: what a mortifying delay for a lover, who was preparing for a tender meeting with his mistress! I was quite exasperated. ‘I care very little,’ said I angrily, ‘either for your advice or your predictions: I did not send for you to consult you on astrology; you came here to shave me; therefore either perform your office or take yourself away, that I may send for another barber.’

“‘Sir,’ replied he, in a tone so phlegmatic that I could scarcely contain myself, ‘What reason have you to be angry? Do not you know, that all barbers are not like me, and that you would not find another such, even if you had him made on purpose. You only asked for a barber, and in my person are united the best barber of Bagdad, an experienced physician, a profound chemist, a never-failing astrologer, a finished grammarian, a perfect rhetorician, a subtle logician; a mathematician, thoroughly accomplished in geometry, arithmetic, astronomy, and in all the refinements of algebra; an historian, who is acquainted with the history of all the kingdoms in the universe. Besides these sciences, I am well instructed in all the points of philosophy; and have my memory well stored with all our laws and all our traditions. I am a poet, an architect; but what am I not? There is nothing in nature concealed from me. Your late honored father, to whom I pay a tribute of tears every time I think of him, was fully convinced of my merit. He loved me, caressed me, and never ceased quoting me in all companies, as the first man in the whole world. My gratitude and friendship for him attaches me to you; and urges me to take you under my protection, and insure you from all the misfortunes with which the planets may threaten you.’

“At this speech, notwithstanding my anger, I could not help laughing. ‘When do you mean to have done, impertinent chatterer,’ cried I, ‘and when do you intend to begin shaving me?’

“‘Sir,’ replied the barber, ‘you do me an injury by calling me a chatterer: every one, on the contrary, bestows on me the honorable appellation of silent. I had six brothers, whom you might with some reason have termed chatterers, and that you may be acquainted with them, the eldest was named Bacbouc, the second Bakbarah, the third Bakbac, the fourth Alcouz, the fifth Alnaschar, and the sixth Shacabac. These were indeed most tiresome talkers, but I, who am the youngest of the family, am very grave and concise in my discourses.’

“Place yourselves in my situation, gentlemen; what could I do with so cruel a tormentor? ‘Give him three pieces of gold,’ said I to the slave who overlooked the expenses of my house, ‘and send him away, that I may be at peace; I will not be shaved to-day.’--‘Sir!’ cried the barber, at hearing this, ‘what am I to understand, sir, by these words? It was not I who came to seek you; it was you who ordered me to come; and that being the case, I swear by the faith of a musselman, that I will not quit your house till I have shaved you. If you do not know my worth, it is no fault of mine; your late honored father was more just to my merits. Every time, when he sent for me to bleed him, he used to make me sit down by his side, and then it was delightful to hear the clever things I entertained him with. I kept him in continual admiration; I enchanted him; and when I had done, ‘Ah!’ cried he, ‘you are an inexhaustible fund of science; no one can approach the profoundness of your knowledge.’--‘My dear sir,’ I used to reply, ‘you do me more honor than I deserve. If I say a good thing, I am indebted to you for the favorable hearing you are so good as to grant me: it is your liberality that inspires me with those sublime ideas which have the good fortune to meet your approbation.’ One day, when he was quite charmed with an admirable discourse I had just concluded, ‘Give him,’ cried he, ‘an hundred pieces of gold, and put him on one of my richest robes!’ I received this present immediately; and at the same instant I drew out his horoscope, which I found to be one of the most fortunate in the world. I carried the proofs of my gratefulness still farther, for I cupped him instead of bleeding him with a lancet.’

“He did not stop here; he began another speech which lasted a full half hour. Fatigued with hearing him, and vexed at finding the time pass without my getting forward, I knew not what more to say. ‘No indeed,’ at length I exclaimed, ‘it is not possible that there should exist, in the whole world, a man who takes greater delight in enraging people.’

“I then thought I might succeed better by gentle means. ‘In the name of God,’ I said to him, ‘leave off your fine speeches, and finish with me quickly: I have an affair of the greatest importance, which obliges me to go out, as I have already told you.’ At these words he began to laugh. ‘It would be very praiseworthy,’ said he, ‘if our minds were always wise and prudent; however, I am willing to believe, that, when you put yourself in a passion with me, it was your late illness which occasioned this change in your temper; on this account, therefore, you are in need of some instructions, and you cannot do better than follow the example of your father and your grandfather: they used to come and consult me in all their affairs; and I may safely say, without vanity, that they were always the better for my advice. Let me tell you, sir, that a man scarcely ever succeeds in any enterprise, if he has not recourse to the opinions of enlightened persons: no man becomes clever, says the proverb, unless he consults a clever man. I am entirely at your service, and you have only to command me.’

“‘Cannot I then persuade you,’ interrupted I, ‘to desist from these long speeches, which tend to no purpose but to distract my head, and prevent me from keeping my appointment: shave me directly, or leave my house.’ In saying this I arose, and angrily struck my foot against the ground.

“When he saw that I was really exasperated with him, ‘Sir,’ said he, ‘do not be angry; we are going to begin directly.’ In fact he washed my head, and began to shave me; but he had not made four strokes with his razor, when he stopped to say, ‘Sir, you are hasty; you should abstain from these gusts of passion, which only come from the devil. Besides which, I deserve that you should have some respect for me on account of my age, my knowledge, and my striking virtues.’

“‘Go on shaving me,’ said I, interrupting him again, ‘and speak no more,’--‘That is to say,’ replied he, ‘that you have some pressing affair on your hands; I’ll lay a wager that I am not mistaken.’--‘Why I told you so two hours ago,’ returned I, ‘you ought to have shaved me long since.’--‘Moderate your ardor,’ replied he, ‘perhaps you have not considered well of what you are going to do; when one does any thing precipitately, it is almost always a source of repentance. I wish you would tell me what this affair is, that you are in such haste about, and I will give you my opinion on it: you have plenty of time, for you are not expected till noon, and it will not be noon these three hours.’--‘That is nothing to me,’ said I, ‘people of honor, who keep their word, are always before the time appointed. But I perceive that in reasoning thus with you, I am imitating the faults of chattering barbers; finish shaving me quickly.’

“The more anxious I was for dispatch, the less so was he to obey me. He left his razor to take up his astrolabe; and when he put down his astrolabe he took up his razor.

“He got his astrolabe a second time, and left me half shaved to go and see what o’clock it was precisely. He returned. ‘Sir,’ said he, ‘I was certain I was not mistaken; it wants three hours to noon, I am well assured, or all the rules of astronomy are false.’--‘Gracious Heaven!’ cried I, ‘my patience is exhausted, I can hold out no longer. Cursed barber, ill-omen’d barber, I can hardly refrain from falling upon thee and strangling thee.’--‘Softly sir,’ said he coolly, and without showing any emotion and anger, ‘you seem to have no fear of bringing on your illness again; do not be so passionate and you shall be shaved in a moment.’ Saying this he put the astrolabe in his case, took his razor, which he sharpened on the strop that was fastened to his girdle, and began to shave me; but whilst he was shaving he could not help talking. ‘If you would, sir,’ said he, ‘inform me what this affair is, that will engage you at noon, I would give you some advice, which you might find serviceable.’ To satisfy him, I told him that some friends expected me at noon to regale me, and rejoice with me on my recovery.

“No sooner had the barber heard me mention a feast, than he exclaimed, ‘God bless you on this day as well as on every other; you bring to my mind, that yesterday I invited four or five friends to come and regale with me to-day; I had forgotten it, and have not made any preparations for them.’--‘Let not that embarrass you,’ said I; ‘although I am going out, my table is always well supplied, and I make you a present of all that is intended for it to-day; I will also give you as much wine as you want, for I have some excellent in my cellar; but then you must be quick in finishing to shave me; and remember that instead of making you presents to hear you talk, as my father did, I give them to you to be silent.’

“He was not content to rely on my word. ‘May God recompense you,’ cried he, ‘for the favor you do me; but show me directly these provisions, that I may judge if there will be enough to regale my friends handsomely; for I wish them to be satisfied with the good cheer I shall give them.’--‘I have,’ said I, ‘a lamb, six capons, a dozen of fowls, and sufficient for four courses.’ I gave orders to a slave to produce all that, together with four large jugs of wine. ‘This is well,’ replied the barber, ‘but we shall want some fruit, and something for sauce to the meat.’ I desired what he wanted to be given him. He left off shaving me to examine each thing separately, and as this examination took up nearly half an hour, I stamped and swore; but I might amuse myself as I pleased, the rascal did not hurry a bit the more. At length, however, he again took up the razor and shaved for a few minutes, then stopping suddenly, ‘I should never have supposed, sir,’ said he, ‘that you had been of so liberal a turn; I begin to discover, that your late father, of honored memory, lives a second time in you; certainly I did not deserve the favors you heap on me; and I assure you, that I shall retain an eternal sense of the obligation; for, sir, that you may know it in future, I will tell you that I have nothing but what I get from generous people like yourself, in which I resemble Zantout, who rubs people at the bath, and Sali, who sells little burnt peas about the streets, and Salouz, who sells beans and Akerscha, who sells herbs, and Abou Mekares, who waters the streets to lay the dust, and Cassem, who belongs to the caliph’s guard: all these people give no reception to melancholy; they are neither sorrowful nor quarrelsome; better satisfied with their fortune than the caliph himself in the midst of his court, they are always gay and ready to dance and sing; and they have each their peculiar dance and song, with which they entertain the whole city of Bagdad; but what I esteem the most in them is, that they are none of them great talkers any more than your slave, who has the honor of speaking to you. Here, sir, I will give you the song and the dance of Zantout, who rubs the people at the bath; look at me, and you will see an exact imitation.’

“The barber sung the song and danced the dance of Zantout, and notwithstanding all I could say to make him cease his buffoonery, he would not stop till he had imitated in the same way all those he had mentioned. After that, ‘Sir,’ said he, ‘I am going to invite all these good people to my house, and if you will take my advice, you will be of our party, and leave your friends, who are perhaps great talkers, and will only disturb you by their tiresome conversations, and will make you relapse into an illness still worse than that from which you are just recovered; instead of which, at my house, you will only enjoy pleasure.’

“Notwithstanding my anger, I could not avoid laughing at his folly. ‘I wish,’ said I, ‘that I had no other engagement, and I would gladly accept your proposal; I would with all my heart make one of your jolly set, but I must entreat you to excuse me, I am too much engaged to-day; I shall be more at liberty another day, and we will have this party: finish shaving me, and hasten to return, for perhaps your friends are already arrived.’--‘Sir,’ replied he, ‘do not refuse me the favor I ask of you. Come and amuse yourself with the good company I shall have; if you had once been with such people, you would have been so pleased with them, that you would give up your friends for them.’--‘Say no more about it,’ said I; ‘I cannot be present at your feast.’

“I gained nothing by gentleness. ‘Since you will not come with me,’ replied the barber, ‘you must allow me then to accompany you. I will go home with the provisions you have given me; my friends shall eat of them if they like; and I will return immediately. I cannot commit such an incivility as to suffer you to go alone; you deserve this piece of complaisance on my part.’--‘Good heaven,’ exclaimed I, on hearing this,’ am I then condemned to bear this whole day so tormenting a creature! In the name of the great God,’ said I to him, ‘finish your tiresome speeches; go to your friends; eat and drink, and entertain yourselves, and leave me at liberty to go to mine. I will go alone, and do not want any one to accompany me; and indeed if you must know the truth, the place where I am going is not one in which you can be received; I only can be admitted.’--‘You are joking, sir,’ replied he, ‘if your friends have invited you to an entertainment, what reason can prevent me from accompanying you? You will give them great pleasure, I am sure, by taking with you a man like me, who has the art of entertaining a company and making them merry. Say what you will, sir, I am resolved to go in spite of you.’

“These words, gentlemen, threw me into the greatest embarrassment. ‘How can I possibly contrive to get rid of this infernal barber,’ thought I to myself. ‘If I continue obstinately to contradict him, our contest will never be finished. I have already waited till they have called the people to noon prayers for the first time,’ and as it was now almost the moment to set out, I determined, therefore, not to answer him a single word, and to appear as if I agreed to every thing he said. He finished shaving me, and he had no sooner done, than I said to him, ‘Take some of my people with you to carry these provisions home; then return here; I will wait, and not go without you.’

“He then went out, and I finished dressing myself as quickly as possible. I only waited till they called to prayers for the last time, when I hastened to commence my expedition; but this malicious barber, who seemed aware of my intentions, was satisfied with accompanying my people only within sight of his own house, and seeing them go in. He afterwards concealed himself at the corner of the street, to observe and follow me. In short, when I got to the door of the cadi, I turned round, and perceived him at the end of the street. This sight put me into the greatest rage.

“The cadi’s door was half open, and when I went in, I saw the old lady who was waiting for me, and who, as soon as she had shut the door, conducted me to the apartment of the young lady with whom I was so much in love. But I had hardly began to enter into any conversation with her, before we heard a great noise in the street. The young lady ran to the window, and looking through the blinds, perceived that it was the cadi, her father, who was already returning from prayers. I looked out at the same time, and saw the barber seated exactly opposite, and on the same bench from whence I had beheld the lady the first time.

“I had now two subjects for alarm, the arrival of the cadi, and the presence of the barber. The young lady dissipated my fears on the first, by telling me, that her father very rarely came up into her apartment; and as she had foreseen, that such an interruption might take place, she had prepared the means for my escape, in case of necessity; but the indiscretion of that unlucky barber caused me great uneasiness, and you will soon perceive that this disquietude was not without foundation.