Part 23

When this ceremony was over, the grand vizier, standing before the throne, began with papers in his hand to make his report of affairs, which at that time were of very little consequence. Nevertheless, Abon Hassan acquitted himself in his great post without the least embarrassment; and gave judgment so well in all matters, that the caliph could not help wondering at his address. But before the grand vizier had finished his report, Abon Hassan called the judge of the police, whom he knew by sight, as he sat in his place: Hold, said he to the grand vizier, I have something to order the judge of the police. The judge of the police perceiving that Abon Hassan looked at him, and hearing his name mentioned, arose from his seat, and went gravely to the foot of the throne, where he prostrated himself with his face to the ground. Judge of the police, said Abon Hassan, go immediately to such a division, and seize the iman of the mosque, and four old men, (whom he described,) and give each of the old men a hundred bastinadoes with a bull’s pizzle, and the iman four hundred: after that, mount them all five on camels, with their faces to the tails; and lead them through the whole city, with a crier before them, who shall proclaim, This is the punishment of all those who trouble their heads with other people’s affairs, and make it their business to create disturbances and misunderstandings in families in their neighbourhood. My intention is also, that you enjoin them to leave that division, and never to set a foot more in it; and while your lieutenant is conducting them through the town, return, and give me an account of the execution of my orders. The judge of the police laid his hand upon his head, to show his obedience, and, prostrating himself a second time, went away.

The caliph was extremely well pleased at this order; and perceived by Abon Hassan’s strictness and expedition, that he was resolved not to lose the opportunity of punishing the iman and the other four old hypocrites. In the mean time, the grand vizier went on with his report, and had just done when the judge of the police came back from executing his commission. He went to the throne with the usual ceremony, and said, Commander of the Faithful, I found the iman and his four companions; and for a proof that I have punctually obeyed your commands, I have brought an instrument signed by the principal inhabitants of that division: at the same time, he pulled out a paper, and presented it to the pretended caliph.

Abon Hassan took the paper, and reading over the names of the witnesses, who were all people that he knew very well, said to the judge of the police, It is very well; return to your seat. These old hypocrites, said he to himself, with a great deal of satisfaction in his looks, who must be censuring my actions, and finding fault with my entertaining honest people, deserved this punishment. The caliph all the time penetrated into his thoughts, and conceived a sensible joy in this expedition.

Then Abon Hassan, addressing himself afterwards to the grand vizier, said, Go to the high treasurer for a purse of a thousand pieces of gold, and carry it to the mother of Abon Hassan, who is known by the name of the Debauchee; she lives in the same division into which I sent the judge of the police: return immediately.

The grand vizier, after laying his hand upon his head, and prostrating himself before the throne, went to the high treasurer, who gave him the money, which he ordered a slave to take, and follow him to Abon Hassan’s mother, to whom he gave it, saying only, The caliph makes you this present. She received it with the greatest surprise imaginable, and could not tell what to think of this liberality of the caliph.

During the grand vizier’s absence, the judge of the police acted for him, in making the report, which lasted till the vizier returned. As soon as he came into the council-chamber, and had assured Abon Hassan he had done as he had bade him, Mesrour, the chief of the eunuchs, who returned to the palace after he had conducted Abon Hassan to the council, came again, and made a sign to the viziers, emirs, and other officers, that the council was done, and that they might all retire; which they all did, by making the same reverence and obedience as when they entered.

Abon Hassan sat not long after them, but came down from the throne, supported in the same manner as he went up to it, by Mesrour and another eunuch, who attended him back again to the apartment from whence he came, preceded all the way by the grand vizier: but before he reached the apartment, he was taken with a pressing occasion; upon which they showed him into a convenient closet, paved with white marble; and while Abon Hassan was there, the grand vizier went to acquaint the caliph with what had passed, though he had been an eye-witness all the time.

When Abon Hassan came out of the closet, Mesrour went before him, to show him the way into an inner apartment, where there was a table spread. Several eunuchs ran before, to tell the musicians that the sham caliph was coming, who immediately began a concert of vocal and instrumental music, with which Abon Hassan was so charmed and transported, that he could not tell what to think at all he saw and heard. If this is a dream, said he, it is a long one: but certainly, continued he, it is no dream; for I can see and feel, walk, hear, and argue reasonably. Whatever it is, I trust in God: yet I cannot believe but I am the commander of the faithful; for no other person could live in this splendour. The honour and respect that is given me, and the obedience paid to my commands, are sufficient proofs.

In short, Abon Hassan took it for granted that he was caliph, and the commander of the faithful; and was fully convinced of it, when he entered that magnificent and spacious hall, which was finely painted. Seven bands of musicians were placed round the hall, and as many gold branches hung down from the ceiling, which was painted with blue and gold. In the middle of the hall there was spread a table, which was served up with all manner of rarities, in massy gold plates and dishes; and seven young beautiful ladies, dressed in the richest habits, of the most lively colours, stood round this table, each with a fan in her hand, to fan Abon Hassan when at dinner.

If ever mortal was charmed, Abon Hassan was: at every step he took in that stately hall, he could not help stopping to contemplate on all the wonders that regaled his eyes, and turned his head first on one side and then again on the other, which made the caliph almost split his sides with laughing. At last he went and sat down at the table, and presently all the ladies that stood about it began to fan him. He looked first at one and then at another, and admired the grace with which they acquitted themselves; and told them, with a smile, that he believed one fan was enough to cool him, and would have six of the ladies sit at table with him, three on his right hand and three on his left; that, as the table was round, which way soever he turned, his eyes might be saluted with agreeable objects.

The six ladies obeyed; and Abon Hassan taking notice that, out of respect, they did not eat, helped them himself, and invited them to eat in the most pressing and obliging terms. Afterwards, he asked their names; which they told him were, White neck, Coral Lips, Fair Face, Sun Shine, Heart’s Delight, Sweet Looks, and she who fanned him was Sugar Cane. The many soft things he said upon their names, showed him to be a man of a sprightly wit, and very much increased the esteem which the caliph (who saw every thing) had for him.

When the ladies saw that Abon Hassan had done eating, one of them said to the eunuch who waited, the commander of the faithful will go into the next hall to the desert: bring some water. Upon which they all rose from the table, and taking from the eunuchs, one a gold basin, another an ewer, and a third a towel, kneeled down before Abon Hassan, and presented them to him to wash his hands; who, as soon as he had done, got up, and after an eunuch had opened the door, went, preceded by Mesrour, who never left him, into another hall, as large as the former, adorned with the best paintings, gold vessels, silk tapestry, and other rich furniture. There seven other bands of music began a new concert, as soon as Abon Hassan appeared. In this hall there were seven gold branches, and a table full of dried sweetmeats, and the most choice and exquisite fruits, raised in pyramids, in seven gold basins, and seven ladies, more beautiful than the others, standing round it, with fans in their hands.

These new objects put Abon Hassan into a greater admiration than ever; who, after he had made a full stop, and given the most sensible marks of his surprise and astonishment, went directly to the table; where, sitting down, he gazed a considerable time at the seven ladies, with an embarrassment that plainly showed he knew not which to give the preference to. At last he ordered them all to sit and eat with him, telling them that it was not so hot but he could spare them that trouble.

When the ladies were all placed about him, the first thing he did was to ask their names, which were different from the other seven, and expressed some perfection of either mind or body, which distinguished them from one another; and upon which he took an opportunity, when he presented them with fruit, &c. to say somewhat that was handsome. Take this fig, said he to Chain of Hearts, who sat on his right hand, and render the fetters with which you loaded me at first sight more supportable; and so went on to the rest. By these ways, Abon Hassan pleased and diverted the caliph more and more, who was resolved to carry on this scene which entertained him so agreeably.

After Abon Hassan had tasted of all the fruits, &c. he got up and followed Mesrour into a third hall, much more magnificently furnished than the other two; where he was received by the same number of musicians and ladies, who stood about a table covered over with all manner of sweetmeats. After he had looked about him with new admiration, he advanced to the table, the music playing all the time, which ceased when he sat down. The seven ladies sat down with him, by his order, and helped themselves, as he desired them, to what they liked best; and afterwards he informed himself of their names, which pleased him as much as the others had done.

By this time the day began to close, and Abon Hassan was conducted into the fourth hall, much more stately and magnificently furnished, lighted with wax-candles, in seven gold branches and sconces, which were placed all around it, all which made a glorious light. Abon Hassan found the same number of musicians here as he had done in the other halls, and saw also as many ladies standing round a table, furnished with such things as were proper to promote drinking. There he saw a beaufet, which he had not observed in any of the other halls, which was set out with seven large silver flagons full of the choicest wines, and seven crystal glasses by them.

All the day long, Abon Hassan had drunk nothing but water, according to a custom observed at Bagdad, from the highest to the lowest; who never drink wine till the evening, it being accounted the most scandalous thing in the world to be seen drunk in the streets in the day-time.

As soon as Abon Hassan entered the fourth hall, he went directly to the table and sat down, and was a long time in a kind of ecstasy at the sight of those seven ladies, who were much more beautiful than all he beheld in the other halls. He was very desirous to know all their names; but the music playing then so very loud that he could not hear them speak, he made a sign for them to leave off playing: then taking one of the ladies who sat next to him by the hand, he made her sit down by him, and presenting her with some of those relishing viands before him, asked her name. Commander of the Faithful, said the lady, I am called Cluster of Pearls. No name, replied Abon Hassan, could have more properly expressed your worth; and indeed your teeth exceed the finest pearls. Cluster of Pearls, added he, since that is your name, oblige me with a glass of wine from your fair hand. The lady went presently to the beaufet, and brought him a glass with a pleasant air. Abon Hassan took the glass with a smile, and looking passionately upon her; said, Cluster of Pearls, your health; I desire you to fill out as much for yourself, and pledge me. Accordingly she went to the beaufet, and returned with a glass in her hand; but before she drank, she sang a song, and by the sweetness of her voice ravished his senses.

After Abon Hassan had drunk, he made another lady sit, and presenting her with some of the viands, asked her name, which she told him was Morning Star. Your bright eyes, said he, shine with greater lustre than that star you bear the name of. Do me the pleasure to bring me some wine; which she did, with an extraordinary grace. Then turning to the third lady, whose name was Daylight, he ordered her to do the same; and so on to the seventh, to the extreme satisfaction of the caliph.

When they had all filled him round, Cluster of Pearls went to the beaufet, poured out a glass of wine, and putting in a pinch of the same powder the caliph had used the night before, presented it to Abon Hassan. Commander of the Faithful, said she, I beg of your majesty to take this glass of wine; and, before you drink it off, do me the favour to hear a song I have made to-day, and which may not displease you. With all my heart, said Abon Hassan, taking the glass; and, as commander of the faithful, I command you to sing it: for I am persuaded that so beautiful a lady as yourself must abound with wit and humour. The lady took a lute, and tuning it to her voice, sang with so much justness and grace, and with such delicate turns of thought and expression, that Abon Hassan was in perfect ecstasy all the time, and was so much delighted, that he ordered her to sing it again.

When the lady had done, Abon Hassan drank off his glass, and, turning his head towards her, to give her those praises which he thought due to her, fell fast asleep with his mouth open gaping, and his eyes close shut, just in the same condition as when the caliph brought him from home; who took a greater satisfaction in this scene, than he could have promised himself. One of the ladies stood ready to catch the glass, which fell out of his hand; and then the caliph, who was all along a spectator of what had passed, came into the hall to them, and ordered Abon Hassan to be dressed again in his own clothes, and to be carried back again to his own house by the same slave that brought him, charging him to lay him on a sofa in the same room, and to leave the door open.

The slave took Abon Hassan upon his shoulders, and carried him home by a back-door of the palace, and returned with speed to acquaint the caliph he had executed his commands. Well, said the caliph, Abon Hassan wished only to be caliph for one day, to punish the iman of the mosque, and the four scheiks or old men of his division, who had displeased him: I have procured him the means, and he ought to be content.

In the mean time, Abon Hassan, who was laid upon a sofa by the slave, slept very late the next morning. When the powder was worked off, Abon Hassan opened his eyes, and finding himself at home, was in the utmost surprise. Cluster of Pearls! Morning Star! Coral Lips! Fair Face! cried he, calling the ladies of the palace by their names, as he remembered them: Where are you? Come hither.

Abon Hassan called so loud, that his mother, who was in her own apartment, heard, and running to him upon the noise he made, said, What do you mean, son? What is the matter? At these words, Abon Hassan lifted up his head, and looking haughtily at his mother, said, Good woman, who is it you call son? Why, you, answered his mother, very calmly; are not you Abon Hassan, my son? It is a strange thing that you have forgot yourself. I your son, old trull! replied Abon Hassan; thou art mad, and knowest not what thou sayest: I am not Abon Hassan, I tell you, but the commander of the faithful.

Hold your tongue, son, answered the mother; one would think you were a fool, to hear you talk thus. You are an old fool yourself, replied Abon Hassan: I tell you once more, I am the commander of the faithful, and God’s vicar on earth. Ah! child, cried the mother, is it possible that I should hear you utter such words, that show you are distracted? What evil genius possesses you, to make you talk at this rate? God bless you, and preserve you from the power of Satan. You are my son Abon Hassan, and I am your mother.

After she had made use of all the arguments she could think of to bring him to himself, and to show how great an error he was in, she said, Do not you see that the room you are now in is your own, and is not like a chamber fit for the commander of the believers? Think seriously of what I have said to you, and do not fancy things that are not, nor ever can be.

Abon Hassan heard all these remonstrances of his mother very patiently, holding down his eyes, and clapping his hands before his face, like one who was looking into himself to examine the truth of what he saw and heard. At last, said he to his mother, just as if he was come out of a deep sleep, and with his hands in the same posture, Methinks I am Abon Hassan, you are my mother, and I am in my own room. Then looking about him again, he added, I am Abon Hassan, there is no doubt of it; and I cannot comprehend how this fancy came into my head.

The mother really believed that her son was cured of that disorder of mind, and began to laugh, and ask him questions about his dream; when, all on a sudden, he started up on his breech, and looking crossly at his mother, said, Old sorceress, thou knowest not what thou sayest. I am not thy son, nor thou my mother, but the commander of the faithful; and thou shalt never persuade me to the contrary. For heaven’s sake, son, said the mother, let us leave off this discourse, and talk of something else, for fear some misfortune should happen to us. I will tell you what fell out yesterday in our division to the iman of the mosque, and the four scheiks our neighbours: the judge of the police came and seized them, and gave each of them I do not know how many strokes with a bull’s pizzle; and afterwards led them through all the streets, with a crier before them, who proclaimed, that that was the punishment of all those who troubled themselves about other folks’ business, and set their neighbours at variance; and ordered them never to come into our division again. Abon Hassan’s mother could not imagine that her son had any share in this adventure, and therefore turned the discourse this way to put him out of the conceit of being the commander of the faithful; but instead of effacing that idea, she rather strengthened it.

Abon Hassan no sooner heard this relation, than he cried out, I am neither thy son, nor Abon Hassan, but certainly the commander of the believers: I cannot doubt of it, after what you have told me. Know then, that it was by my order that the iman and the four scheiks were punished; and I tell you, I am certainly the commander of the faithful; therefore do not tell me any more of its being a dream. I was not asleep, but as much awake as I am now. You do me a pleasure to confirm what the judge of the police told me he had executed according to my order; and I am overjoyed that the iman and the four scheiks, those great hypocrites, were so chastised, and would be glad to know how I came here. God be praised for all things! I am certainly commander of the faithful, and all thy arguments shall not convince me to the contrary.

The mother, who could not divine or imagine why her son supported and maintained himself so strenuously to be caliph, never disputed but that he had lost his senses, when she found he insisted so much upon a thing that was so incredible; and in this thought said, I pray God to have mercy upon you, son! pray do not talk so madly. Beseech God to forgive you, and give you grace to talk more reasonably. What would the world say to hear you rave in this manner? Do not you know, they say walls have ears?

These remonstrances only enraged Abon Hassan the more; and he was so provoked at his mother, that he said, Old woman, I have bid you once already hold your tongue; if you do not, I shall rise and give you cause to repent it all your life-time. I am the caliph, and the commander of the believers; and you ought to believe me when I say so.

Then the good woman perceiving that he was more lunatic than ever, abandoned herself to tears; and beating her face and breast, expressed the utmost grief and astonishment to see her son in that distraction. Abon Hassan, instead of appeasing and being moved by his mother’s tears, on the contrary, lost all the respect due from a son to his mother; and getting up hastily, and laying hold of a cane, ran to his mother in great fury, and in a threatening manner said, Tell me presently, wicked woman, who I am. I do not believe, son, replied she, looking at him tenderly, and void of fear, that you are so abandoned by God as not to know your mother, who brought you into the world. Indeed you are my son Abon Hassan; and are very much in the wrong to arrogate to yourself the title of our sovereign lord the caliph Haroun Alraschid, after the noble and generous present that monarch made us yesterday. In short, I forgot to tell you, that the grand vizier Giafar came to me yesterday, and putting a purse of a thousand pieces of gold into my hands, bade me pray for the commander of the faithful, who made me that present.

At these words, Abon Hassan grew quite mad. The circumstance of the caliph’s liberality his mother told him of, persuaded him more than ever that he was caliph, remembering how he had sent the vizier. Well, old hag, cried he, will you be convinced when I tell you that I sent you those thousand pieces of gold by my grand vizier Giafar, who obeyed my commands, as I was commander of the faithful? But, instead of believing me, thou endeavourest to distract me by thy contradictions, and maintainest with obstinacy that I am thy son; but thou shalt not go long unpunished. After these words, he was so unnatural, in the height of his frenzy, as to beat her cruelly with his cane.

The poor mother, who could not have thought that her son would have come so soon from words to blows, called out for help so loud, that the neighbours ran in to her assistance. But in the mean time, Abon Hassan, at every stroke, asked her if he was the commander of the faithful. To which she always answered tenderly, that he was her son.

By the time the neighbours came in, Abon Hassan’s rage began to abate. The first who entered the room got between him and his mother; and taking the cane out of his hand, said to him, What are you doing, Abon Hassan? Have you no fear of God, nor reason? Did ever a son, so well brought up as you, ever dare to strike his mother? Are you not ashamed to treat yours so, who loves you so tenderly? Abon Hassan looked at him that spoke, without returning an answer; and then staring on all that followed him, said, Who is that Abon Hassan you speak of? Is it me you call by that name?

This question put the neighbours a little to a stand. How! said he that spoke first, do not you know your mother, who brought you up, and with whom you have always lived? Be gone, you are impertinent people, replied Abon Hassan; I neither know her nor you, and will not know you; I am not Abon Hassan; but will make you know, to your cost, I am the commander of the faithful.