Chapter 34

For God's sake, gentlemen, do but suppose you had been in my place. What could I say when I felt myself so cruelly tortured? Give him three pieces of gold, said I to the slave that was my housekeeper, and send him away, that he may disturb me no more; I will not be shaved this day. Sir, said the barber, what do you mean by that? I did not come to seek for you, it was you that sent for me; and since it is so, I swear by the faith of a Mussulman, I will not stir out of these doors till I have shaved you: if you do not know my value, that is not my fault. Your deceased father did me more justice. Every time he sent for me to let blood, he made me sit down by him, and was charmed to hear the fine things I talked of. I kept him in a continual strain of admiration, and ravished him; when I had finished my discourses, My God, would he cry, you are an inexhaustible source of sciences; no man can reach the depth of your knowledge. My dear sir, said I again, you do me more honour than I deserve: If I say any thing that is fine, it is owing to the favourable audience you vouchsafe me; it is your liberality that inspires me with the sublime thoughts that have the happiness to please you. One day, when he was charmed with an admirable discourse I had made, Give him, says he, an hundred pieces of gold, and invest him with one of my richest robes. I received the present upon the spot, and presently I drew his horoscope, and found it the happiest in the world. Nay, I was grateful still, and bled him with cupping glasses.

This was not all: The barber spinned out, besides, another harangue that was a half hour long. Fatigued with hearing him, and fretted at the time which was spent before I was half ready, I did not know what to say. No, said I, it is impossible there should be such another man in the world, that takes pleasure, as you do, in making people mad.

I thought that I should succeed better if I dealt mildly with my barber. In the name of God, said I, leave off all your fine discourses, and despatch me presently; I am called to attend an affair of the last importance, as I have told you already. Then he fell a laughing: It would be a laudable thing, said he, if our minds were always in the same strain; if we were wise and prudent: however, I am willing to believe, that if you are angry with me, it is your distemper which has caused that change in your humour; and, for that reason, you stand in need of some instructions, and you cannot do better than follow the example of your father and grandfather. They came and consulted me upon all occasions; and I can say, without vanity, that they always extolled my council. Pray, recollect, sir, men never succeed in their enterprises without having recourse to the advice of quick-sightedmen. The proverb tells you, a man cannot be wise without receiving advice from the wise. I am entirely at your service, and you have nothing to do but command me.

What! cannot I prevail with you then? said I, interrupting him. Leave off these long discourses which tend to nothing but to split my head to pieces, and to detain me from the place where my business lies. Shave me, I say, or be gone; with that I started up in a huff, stamping my foot against the ground.

When he saw I was angry in earnest; Sir, said he, do not be angry, we are going to begin soon. He washed my head, and fell a shaving me; but he had not given me four sweeps of his razor, when he stopped, saying, Sir, you are hasty, you should avoid these transports that come only from the devil. Besides, my merit speaks that you ought to have some more consideration for me, with respect to my age, my knowledge, and my shining virtues.

Go on and shave me, said I, interrupting him again, and do not speak. That is to say, replies he, you have some urgent business to go about; I will lay you a wager I guess right. Why, I told you so these two hours, said I, you ought to have done before now. Moderate your passion, replied he, perhaps you have not maturely weighed what you are going about: when things are done precipitately, they are generally repented of. I wish you would tell me what mighty business this is you are so earnest upon: I would tell you my opinion of it: besides, you have time enough, since your appointment is not till noon, and it wants three hours of that yet. I do not mind that, said I; persons of honour, and of their word, are rather before their time than after. But I forget that, in amusing myself by reasoning with you, I give into the faults of you prattling barbers: have done, have done, shave me.

The more haste I was in, the less haste he made: he laid down the razor, and took up his astrolabe; this done, he even laid down the astrolabe, and took up his razor again. The barber quitted his razor again, and took up his astrolabe, a second time; and so left me, half shaved, to go and see precisely what o'clock it was. Back he came, and then, Sir, said he, I knew I was not mistaken, it wants three hours of noon, I am sure of it, or else all the rules of astronomy are false. Just Heaven! cried I, my patience is at an end, I can forbear no longer. You cursed barber, you barber of mischief, I do not know what holds me from falling upon you, and strangling you. Softly, sir, said he, very calmly, without being moved by my passion: you are not afraid of a relapse: do not be in a passion, I am going to serve you this minute. On speaking these words, he clapped his astrolabe in his case, took up his razor, which he had fixed to his belt, and fell a shaving again: but, all the while he shaved me, the dog could not forbear prattling. If you please, sir, said he, to tell me what business it is you are going about, I could give you some advice that may be of use to you. To satisfy the fellow, I told him I was going to meet some friends who were to regale me at noon, and make merry with me upon the recovery of my health.

When the barber heard me talk of regaling, God bless you this day as well as all other days, cried he: you put me in mind that yesterday I invited four or five friends to come and eat with me this day: indeed I had forgot it, and I have as yet made no preparation for them. Do not let that trouble you. said I; though I dine abroad, my house is always well provided. I make you a present of what is in it; nay, besides, I will order you as much wine as you may have occasion for, for I have excellent wine in my cellar; only despatch the shaving of me presently, and pray do not mind it; whereas my father made you presents to encourage you to speak, I give you mine to make you hold your peace.

He was not satisfied with the promise I made him: God reward you, sir, said he, for your kindness; but pray show me these provisions now, that I may see if there will be enough to entertain my friends: I would have them satisfied with the good fare I make them. I have, said I, a lamb, six capons, a dozen of pullets, and enough to make four services of. I ordered a slave to bring them all before him, with four great pitchers of wine. It is very well, said the barber, but we shall want fruit, and sauce for the meat: that I ordered likewise; but then he gave over shaving to look over every thing one after another; and this survey lasted almost half an hour. I raged, and stormed, and went mad, but it signified nothing, the coxcomb never troubled himself. He, however, took up his razor again, and shaved me for some moments; then stopping all on a sudden, I could not have believed, sir, that you would have been so liberal; I begin to perceive that your deceased father lives again in you: most certainly I do not deserve the favours with which you have loaded me; and I assure you I shall have them in perpetual remembrance: for, sir, to let you know it, I have nothing but what comes from the generosity of honest gentlemen, such as you; in which point I am like to Zantout that rubs the people in bathing; to Sali that cries boiled pease in the streets: to Salout that sells beans; to Akerscha that sells greens; to Amboumecarez that sprinkles the streets to lay the dust, and to Cassem the caliph's life-guard man. Of all these persons, not one is apt to be made melancholy; they are neither peevish nor quarrelsome; they are more contented with their lot than the caliph in the midst of his court; they are always gay, ready to dance and to sing, and have each of them their peculiar song and dance, with which they divert the city of Bagdad: but what I esteem most in them is, that they are no great talkers, no more than your slave that has now the honour to speak to you. Here, sir, that is the song and dance of Zantout, who rubs the people in baths: mind me, pray, and see if I do not imitate it exactly.

The barber sung the song and danced the dance of Zantout; and though I did what I could to make an end to his buffoonery, he did not give over till he had imitated, in like manner, the songs and dances of the other people he had named. After that, addressing himself to me, I am going, says he, to invite all these honest persons to my house: if you take my advice, you will join with us, and balk your friends yonder, who perhaps are noisy prattlers, that will only teaze you to death with their nauseous discourses, and make you fall into a distemper worse than that you so lately recovered of; whereas, at my house, you shall have nothing but pleasure.

Notwithstanding my anger, I could not forbear laughing at the fellow's impertinence. I wish I had no business upon my hands, said I; if I had not, I would accept of the proposal you make me; I would go with all my heart to be merry with you, but I beg to be excused, I am too much engaged this day; another day I shall be more at leisure, and then we shall make up that company. Come, have done shaving me, and make haste to return home; perhaps your friends are already come to your house. Sir, said he, do not refuse me the favour I ask of you; come and be merry with the good company I am to have; if you were but once in our company, you would be so well pleased with it, you would forsake your friends to come to us: let us talk no more of that, said I, I cannot be your guest.

I found I gained no ground upon him by mild terms. Since you will not come to my house, replied the barber, then pray let me go along with you; I will go and carry these things to my house, where my friends may eat of them if they like them, and I will return immediately; I would not be so uncivil as to leave you alone; you deserve this complaisance at my hands. Heavens! cried I, then I shall not get clear of this troublesome man this day. In the name of the living God, said I, leave off your unreasonable jargon: go to your friends, drink, eat, and be merry with them, and leave me at liberty to go to mine. I have a mind to go alone, I have no occasion for company: besides, I must needs tell you, the place to which I go is not a place where you can be received; nobody must come there but me. You jest, sir, said he; if your friends have invited you to a feast, why should you hinder me to accompany you? You will please them, I am sure, by carrying thither a man that can speak comically like me, and knows how to divert company agreeably: but, say what you will, the thing is resolved upon; I will go along with you in spite of your teeth.

These words, gentlemen, made me very uneasy. How shall I get rid of this cursed barber? thought I to myself. If I do not snub him roundly, we shall never have done contesting. Besides, I heard then the first call to noon-prayers, and it was time for me to go. In fine, I resolved to say nothing at all, and to make as if I consented to his proposal. By that time he had done shaving me; then said I to him, Take some of my servants to carry these provisions along with you, and return hither; I will stay for you, and shall not go without you. At last he went, and I dressed myself nimbly. I heard the last call to prayers; and made haste to set out: but the malicious barber, jealous of my intention, went with my servants only within sight of the house, and stood there till he saw them enter his house; having hid himself upon the turning of a street, with intent to observe and follow me. In fine, when I arrived at the cadi's door, I looked back and saw him at the head of the street, which fretted me to the last degree.

The cadi's door was half open, and as I went in, I saw an old woman waiting for me, who, after she had shut the door, conducted me to the chamber of the young lady I was in love with: but we had scarcely begun our interview, when we heard a noise in the street. The young lady put her head to the window, and saw through the grate that it was the cadi, her father, returning already from prayers. At the same time, I looked through the window, and saw the barber sitting over against the house in the same place where I had before seen the young lady.

I had then two things to fear, the arrival of the cadi, and the presence of the barber. The young lady mitigated my fear of the first, by assuring me the cadi came but very seldom to her chamber; and, as she had foreseen that this misadventure might happen, she had contrived a way to convey me out safe; but the indiscretion of the accursed barber made me very uneasy; and you shall hear that this my uneasiness was not without ground.

As soon as the cadi came in, he caned one of his slaves that deserved it. The slave made horrid shouts, which were heard in the streets; the barber thought it was I that cried out, and that I was maltreated. Prepossessed with this thought, he screamed out most fearfully, rent his clothes, threw dust upon his head, and called the neighbourhood to his assistance. The neighbourhood came, and asked what ailed him, and what relief he wanted that they could give? Alas! cried he, they are assassinating my master, my dear patron: and, without saying any other thing, he ran all the way to my house with the very same cry in his mouth. From thence he returned, followed by all my domestics, armed with batoons. They knocked with inconceivable fury at the cadi's door, and the cadi sent a slave to see what was the matter; but the slave being frightened, returned to his master, crying, Sir, above ten thousand men are going to break into your house by force.

Immediately the cadi ran himself, opened the door, and asked what they wanted? His venerable presence could not inspire them with respect: they insolently said to him, You cursed cadi, you dog of a cadi, what reason have you to assassinate our master? What has he done to you? Good people, replied the cadi, for what should I assassinate your master, whom I do not know, and who has done no offence? My house is open to you, come see and search. You bastinadoed him, said the barber; I heard his cries not above a minute ago. But pray, replies the cadi, what offence could your master do to me, to oblige me to use him after that rate? Is he in my house? If he is, how came he in, or who could have introduced him? Ah! wretched cadi cried the barber, you and your long beard shall never make me believe what you say. What I say I know to be true; your daughter is in love with our master, and gave him a meeting during the time of noon-prayers; you, without doubt, have had notice of it; you returned home, and surprised him, and made your slave bastinado him: but this your wicked action shall not pass with impunity; the caliph shall be acquainted with it, and he shall give true and brief justice. Let him come out; deliver him to us immediately: or if you do not, we will go in and take him from you, to your shame. There is no occasion for so many words, replied the cadi, nor to make so great a noise: if what you say is true, go in and find him out, I give you free liberty. Thereupon the barber and my domestics rushed into the house like furies, and looked for me all about.

When I heard all that the barber said to the cadi, I sought for a place to hide myself, and could find nothing but a great empty trunk, in which I lay down, and shut it upon me. The barber, after he had searched every where, came into the chamber where I was, and opening the trunk, as soon as he saw me, he took it upon his head, and carried it away. He came down a high stair-case into a court, which he went through very speedily, and got to the street. While he carried me, the trunk unhappily opened, and I, not being able to endure to be exposed to the view and shouts of the mob that followed us, leaped out into the street with so much haste that I hurt my leg, so as I have been lame ever since. I was not sensible how bad it was at first, and therefore got up quickly to get away from the people, who laughed at me; nay, I threw handfuls of gold and silver among them, and, whilst they were gathering it up, I made my escape by cross streets and alleys. But the cursed barber, improving the stratagem that I made use of to get away from the mob, followed me close, crying, Stay, sir, why do you run so fast? If you knew how much I am afflicted at the ill treatment you received from the cadi, you who are so generous a person, and to whom I and my friends are so much obliged! Did not I tell you truly that you would expose your life by your obstinate refusal to let me go with you? See now what has happened to you by your own fault; and if I had not resolutely followed you to see whither you went, what would have become of you? Whither do you go then, sir? stay for me.

Thus the wretched barber cried aloud in the streets; it was not enough for him to have occasioned so great a scandal in the quarter of the cadi, but he would have it be known through the whole town. I was in such a rage that I had a great mind to have staid and cut his throat; but considering that would have perplexed me further, I chose another course; for perceiving that his calling after me exposed me to vast numbers of people, who crowded to the doors or windows, or stopped in the streets, to gaze on me, I entered into a khan or inn, the chamberlain of which knew me; and finding him at the gate, whither the noise had brought him, I prayed him, for the sake of Heaven, to hinder that madman from coming in after me. He promised to do so, and was as good as his word, but not without a great deal of trouble, for the obstinate barber would go in, in spite of him, and did not retire without calling him a thousand ill names; and after the chamberlain shut the gate, the barber continued telling the mob what great service he had done me. Thus I rid myself of that troublesome fellow.

After that, the chamberlain prayed me to tell him my adventure, which I did, and then desired him to let me have an apartment until I was cured: But, sir, says he, would it not be more convenient for you to go home? I will not return thither, said I; for the detestable barber will continue plaguing me there, and I shall die of vexation to be continually teazed with him. Besides, after what has befallen me to-day, I cannot think of staying any longer in this town; I must go whither my ill fortune leads me. And actually, when I was cured, I took all the money I thought necessary for my travels, and divided the remainder of my estate among my kindred.

Thus, gentlemen, I left Bagdad, and came hither. I had ground to hope that I should not meet this pernicious barber in a country so far from my own, and yet I found him amongst you. Do not be surprised, then, at my haste to be gone; you may easily judge how disgusting to me the sight of a man is who was the occasion of my lameness, and of my being reduced to the melancholy necessity of living at so great a distance from my kindred, friends, and country.

When the lame young man had spoken these words, he rose, and went out: the master of the house conducted him to the gate, and told him he was sorry that he had given him, though innocently, so great a subject of mortification.

When the young man was gone, continued the tailor, we were all astonished at the story; and turning to the barber, told him he was very much in the wrong, if what we had just now heard was true. Gentlemen, answered he, raising up his head, which till then he had held down, my silence during the young man's discourse is enough to testify that he advanced nothing but what was really true; but, notwithstanding all that he has said to you, I maintain that I ought to have done what I did; I leave yourselves to be judges of it. Did not he throw himself into danger, and could he have come off so well without my assistance? He was too happy to escape with a lame leg. Did not I expose myself to a greater danger in getting him out of a house where I thought he was ill-treated? Has he any reason to complain of me, and to give me so many bad words? This is what one gets by serving unthankful people. He accuses me of being a prattling fellow, which is a mere slander. Of seven brothers, I am he who speaks the least, and have most wit for my share; and, to convince you of it, gentlemen, I need only tell my own story and theirs. Honour me, I beseech you, with your attention.

THE STORY OF THE BARBER.

In the reign of the caliph Moustancer Billah [Footnote: He was raised to this dignity in the year of the Hegira 623, and Anno Dom. 1226; and was the thirty-sixth caliph of the race of the Abassides.], continued he, a prince famous for his vast liberality towards the poor, ten highwaymen infested the roads about Bagdad, who had for a long time committed unheard-of robberies and cruelties. The caliph having notice of this, sent for the judge of the police some days before the feast of Bairam, and ordered him, on pain of death, to bring all the ten to him.

The judge of the police, continued the barber, used so much diligence, and sent so many people in pursuit of the ten robbers, that they were taken on the day of Bairam. I was then walking on the banks of the Tigris, and saw ten men, richly apparelled, go into a boat. I might have known they were robbers, had I observed the guards that were with them; but I looked only to them; and, thinking they were people who had a mind to spend the festival-day in jollity, I entered the boat with them, without saying one word, in hopes they would allow me to be one of the company. We went down the Tigris, and landed before the caliph's palace; and I then had time to consider with myself, and to find out my mistake. When we came out of the boat, we were surrounded by a new troop of the judge of the police's guard, who tied us all, and carried us before the caliph. I suffered myself to be tied as well as the rest, without speaking one word: for to what purpose should I have spoken, or made any resistance? That would have been the way to have been ill treated by the guards, who would not have listened to me, for they are brutish fellows, who will hear no reason: I was with the robbers, which was sufficient to make them believe me to be one.

When we came before the caliph, he ordered the ten highwaymen's heads to be cut off immediately. The executioner drew us up in a file within the reach of his arm, and by good fortune I was the last. He cut off the heads of the ten highwaymen, beginning with the first; and when he came to me he stopped. The caliph, perceiving that he did not meddle with me, grew angry: Did not I command thee, said he, to cut off the heads of ten highwaymen? Why, then, hast thou cut off but nine? Commander of the faithful, said he, Heaven preserve me from disobeying your majesty's orders! Here are ten corpses upon the ground, and as many heads which I cut off; your majesty may count them.