Part 77

When this ceremony was over, and they were all placed, there was a profound silence. The grand vizier always standing before the throne, began, according to the order of papers in his hand, to make his report of affairs, which at that time were of very little consequence. Nevertheless, the caliph could not but admire how Abon Hassan acquitted himself in his great post without the least hesitation or embarrassment, and decided so well in all matters, as his own good sense suggested the request was or was not proper to be granted. But before the grand vizier had finished his report, Abon Hassan perceived the judge of the police, whom he knew by sight, sitting in his place: Stop, said he to the grand vizier, interrupting him; I have an order of consequence to give to the judge of the police. The judge of the police perceiving that Abon Hassan looked at him, and hearing his name mentioned, arose from off his seat, and went gravely to the foot of the throne, where he prostrated himself with his face to the ground. Judge of the police, said Abon Hassan, go immediately to such a quarter, in such a street, where you will find a mosque, and seize the iman of the mosque and four old gray beards, and give each of the old men a hundred bastinadoes with a bull’s pizzle, and the iman four hundred. After that, mount them all five, clothed in rags, upon camels, with their faces to the tails, and lead them through the whole city, with a crier before them, who shall proclaim with a loud voice, ‘This is the punishment of all those who trouble their heads with other people’s affairs, and make it their business to create disturbances and misunderstandings in families in their neighbourhood, and do them all the mischief in their power.’ My intention is also, that you enjoin them to leave that quarter, and never to set foot in it more; and while your lieutenant is conducting them through the town, return, and give me an account of the execution of my orders. The judge of the police laid his hand upon his head, to show his obedience to execute that order on pain of losing his head if he failed, and prostrating himself a second time, went away.

The caliph was extremely well pleased at the firmness with which this order was given, and perceived that Abon Hassan was resolved not to lose the opportunity of punishing the iman and the other four old hypocrites of his quarter. In the mean time, the grand vizier went on with his report, and had just finished, when the judge of the police came back from executing his commission. He approached the throne with the usual ceremony, and said, Commander of the faithful, I found the iman and his four companions in the mosque, which your majesty pointed out; and for a proof that I have punctually obeyed your commands, I have brought an instrument signed by the principal inhabitants of that quarter. At the same time he pulled a paper out of his bosom, and presented it to the pretended caliph.

Abon Hassan took the paper, and reading it over cautiously with the names of the witnesses, who were all people that he knew very well, said to the judge of the police, smiling, It is well; I am satisfied; return to your seat. These old hypocrites, said he to himself, with an air of satisfaction, who thought fit to censure my actions, and find fault with my entertaining honest people, deserved this punishment. The caliph all the time penetrated his thoughts, and felt inconceivable joy in this pleasant exhibition.

Then Abon Hassan, addressing himself to the grand vizier, said, Go to the high treasurer for a purse of a thousand pieces of gold, and carry it to the mother of one Abon Hassan, who is known by the name of the _debauchee_; she lives in the same quarter to which I sent the judge of the police. Go, and return immediately.

The grand vizier, after laying his hand upon his head, and prostrating himself before the throne, went to the high treasurer, who gave him the money, which he ordered a slave to take, and to follow him to Abon Hassan’s mother, to whom he gave it, saying only, The caliph makes you this present. She received it with the greatest surprise imaginable. She could not tell what to think of this liberality of the caliph’s, and was totally ignorant of what passed in the palace.

During the grand vizier’s absence, the judge of the police made the usual report of his office, which lasted till the vizier returned. As soon as he came into the council-chamber, and had assured Abon Hassan he had executed his orders, Mesrour, the chief of the eunuchs, who returned to the palace after he had conducted Abon Hassan to the council, came again, and made a sign to the viziers, the emirs, and other officers, that the council was over, and that they might all retire; which they did, by making the same prostration at the foot of the throne as when they entered.

Abon Hassan sat not long on the caliph’s throne, but came down from it, supported in the same manner as he went up by Mesrour and another officer of the eunuchs, who attended him back again to the apartment from whence he came, preceded all the way by the grand vizier. But he had scarce made a few steps, when he was taken with a pressing occasion; upon which they showed him into a neat closet, paved with marble; whereas the apartment where he was, was covered with rich carpets, like the other apartments of the palace. They gave him a pair of drawers of silk embroidered with gold, which it was usual to put on before going in there. He took them, and as he knew not the use of them, he put them into one of his sleeves, which were very wide. As it often happens that a trifle excites laughter sooner than a matter of consequence, the grand vizier, Mesrour, and all the officers of the palace near him, had like to have burst into laughter, and spoiled all the sport; but they contained themselves, and the grand vizier was obliged at last to explain to him, that he must put on the drawers before he went into the private closet.

While Abon Hassan was there, the grand vizier went to the caliph, who had already taken another station to observe Abon Hassan without being seen, and acquainted him with what had passed, which the caliph enjoyed exceedingly.

When Abon Hassan came out of the closet, Mesrour went before him, to show him the way into an inner apartment, where there was a table spread: several eunuchs ran before to tell the musicians that the sham caliph was coming, who immediately began a concert of vocal and instrumental music, with which Abon Hassan was so charmed and transported, that he could not tell what to think of all he saw and heard. If this is a dream, said he, it is a long one. But certainly, continued he, it is no dream; for I can see and feel, walk and hear, and argue reasonably: whatever it is, I trust in God; yet I cannot believe but I am the commander of the faithful, for no other person could live in this splendour. The honour and respect that has been shown me, and the obedience paid to my commands, are sufficient proofs.

In short, Abon Hassan took it for granted that he was caliph and the commander of the faithful; and was fully convinced of it, when he entered that magnificent and spacious hall, which was finely painted with the brightest colours intermixed with gold. Seven bands of female musicians, more beautiful than the others, were placed round the hall, and as many gold branches hung down from the ceiling, which was painted with blue and gold, intermixed with wonderful effect. In the middle of the hall was spread a table covered with massy gold plates and dishes, which scented the hall with the spices and amber wherewith the meat was seasoned; and seven young and most beautiful ladies, dressed in the richest habits of the most vivid colours, stood round this table, each with a fan in her hand, to fan Abon Hassan when at dinner.

If ever mortal was charmed, Abon Hassan was when he entered that stately hall. At every step he took, he could not help stopping to contemplate at leisure all the wonders that regaled his eyes, and turned first to one side, and then again on the other; which gave the caliph, who viewed him with attention, very great pleasure. --At last he went and sat down at the table, and presently all the ladies that stood by it began to fan the new caliph. He looked first at one, and then at another, and admired the grace with which they acquitted themselves. He told them with a graceful smile, that he believed one of them was enough to give him all the air he wanted, and would have six of the ladies sit at table with him, three on his right hand, and three on his left; and he placed them at it, so that, as the table was round, which way soever he turned, his eyes might be saluted with agreeable objects.

The six ladies obeyed, and sat down at the table; and Abon Hassan taking notice, that out of respect they did not eat, helped them himself, and invited them to eat in the most pressing and obliging terms. Afterwards he asked their names, which they told him were Alabaster Neck, Coral Lips, Moon Face, Sunshine, Eye’s Delight, Heart’s Delight, and she who fanned him was Sugar-Cane. The many soft things he said upon their names showed him to be a man of sprightly wit, and it is not to be conceived how very much it increased the esteem which the caliph (who saw every thing) had already conceived for him.

When the ladies saw that Abon Hassan had done eating, one of them said to the eunuchs who waited, The commander of the faithful will go into the hall where the dessert is, --bring some water; upon which they all arose from the table, and taking from the eunuch, one a gold basin, another an ewer of the same metal, and a third a towel, kneeled down before Abon Hassan, and presented them to him to wash his hands, who, as soon as he had done, got up, and after an eunuch had opened the door, went, preceded by Mesrour, who never left him, into another hall, as large as the former, adorned with paintings by the best masters, and furnished with gold and silver vessels, carpets, and other rich furniture. There seven different bands of music began a concert as soon as Abon Hassan appeared. In this hall there were seven other large lustres, and a table in the middle covered with dried sweetmeats and the choicest and most exquisite fruits of the season, raised in pyramids, in seven gold basins; and seven ladies, more beautiful than the others, standing round it, each with a fan in her hand.

These new objects raised still greater admiration in Abon Hassan than before; who, after he had made a full stop, and given the most sensible marks of his surprise and astonishment, went directly to the table, where sitting down, he gazed a considerable time at the seven ladies, with an embarrassment that plainly showed he knew not which to give the preference to. At last he ordered them all to lay aside their fans and sit down, and eat with him, telling them, that it was not so hot but he could spare them that trouble.

When the ladies were all placed about him, the first thing he did was to ask their names, which were different from the other seven, and expressed some perfection of mind or body, which distinguished them from one another; upon which he took an opportunity, when he presented them with fruit, &c. to say something smart. Eat this fig for my sake, said he to Chain of Hearts, who sat on his right hand; and render the fetters, with which you loaded me the first moment I saw you, more supportable. Then presenting a bunch of grapes to Soul’s Torment, Take this cluster of grapes, said he, on condition you instantly abate the torments which I suffer for your sake; and so on to the rest. By these words Abon Hassan more and more pleased and diverted the caliph, who was delighted with his words and actions, and pleased to think he had found in him a man who diverted him so agreeably, and suggested to him a method of being better acquainted with him.

After Abon Hassan had tasted of all the fruits in the basin, he got up and followed Mesrour, who never left him, into a third hall, much more magnificently furnished than the other two; where he was received by the same number of musicians and ladies, who stood round a table covered with all manner of wet sweetmeats. After he had looked about him with new wonder, he advanced to the table, the music playing all the time till he sat down. The seven ladies, by his order, sat down with him, and as he could not but show them the same civility as he had done to the rest, they helped themselves, as he desired them, to what they liked best; and he afterwards informed himself of their names, which pleased him as much as the others had done, and led him to say as many soft things to them, to the great diversion of the caliph, who lost not a word.

By this time the day beginning to close, Abon Hassan was conducted into a fourth hall, much more superb and magnificently furnished, lighted with wax candles in seven great gold lustres, which gave a glorious light. The like was not seen in the other halls, because it was not necessary. Abon Hassan found the same number of musicians here as he had done in the other three halls, performing in concert in the most lively manner, and seeming to inspire greater joy; and he saw as many ladies standing round a table covered with seven gold basins filled with cakes, dried sweetmeats, and all such things as were proper to promote drinking. There he saw, which he had not observed in any of the other halls, a beaufet, which was set out with seven large silver flagons full of the choicest wines, and by them seven crystal glasses of the finest workmanship.

Hitherto in the three first halls Abon Hassan drank nothing but water, according to the custom observed at Bagdad, from the highest to the lowest, and at the caliph’s court, never to drink wine till the evening; all who transgress this rule being accounted debauchees, and dare not show themselves in the daytime. This custom is the more laudable, as it requires a clear head to apply to business in the course of the day; and as no wine is drank till evening, no drunken people are seen in the streets in open day making disturbances in the city.

As soon as Abon Hassan entered the fourth hall, he went to the table and sat down, and was a long time in a kind of ecstacy at the sight of those seven ladies who surrounded him, and were much more beautiful than all he beheld in the other halls. He was very desirous to know all their names; but as the music played then so very loud, and particularly the tambour, that he could not hear them speak, he clapped his hands as a sign for them to leave off playing, and a profound silence ensued. Then taking by the hand the lady who stood on the right next to him, he made her sit down by him, and presenting her with a cake, asked her name. Commander of the faithful, said the lady, I am called Cluster of Pearls. No name, replied Abon Hassan, could have more properly expressed your worth; and indeed your teeth exceed the finest pearls. Cluster of Pearls, added he, since that is your name, oblige me with a glass of wine from your fair hand, and take another with me. The lady went presently to the beaufet and brought him a glass of wine, which she presented to him with a pleasant air. Abon Hassan took the glass with a smile, and looking passionately upon her, said, Cluster of Pearls, I drink your health; I desire you to fill out as much for yourself, and pledge me. She ran to the beaufet, and returned with a glass in her hand; but before she drank, she sung a song, which charmed him as much by the sweetness of her voice as by its novelty.

After Abon Hassan had drank, he made another lady sit down, and presenting her with what she chose in the basins, asked her name, which she told him was Morning Star. Your bright eyes, said he, shine with greater lustre than that star whose name you bear. Do me the pleasure to bring me some wine; which she did with the best grace in the world. Then turning to the third lady, whose name was Daylight, he ordered her to do the same, and so on to the seventh, to the extreme satisfaction of the caliph.

When they had all filled him a glass round, Cluster of Pearls, whom he had just addressed, went to the beaufet, poured out a glass of wine, and putting in a pinch of the same powder the caliph had used the night before, presented it to Abon Hassan; Commander of the faithful, said she, I beg of your majesty to take this glass of wine, and before you drink it off do me the favour to hear a song I have made to-day, and which I flatter myself may not displease you. I never sung it before this evening. With all my heart, said Abon Hassan, taking the glass, and as commander of the faithful, I command you to sing it; for I am persuaded that so beautiful a lady as yourself cannot make a song which does not abound with wit and pleasantry. The lady took a lute, and tuning it to her voice, sung with so much justness, grace and expression, that Abon Hassan was in perfect ecstacy all the time, and was so much delighted, that he ordered her to sing it again, and was as much charmed with it as at first.

When the lady had done, Abon Hassan drank off his glass, and turning his head towards her, to give her those praises which he thought due to her, was prevented by the powder, which operated so suddenly, that his mouth was wide open, and his eyes close shut, and dropping his head on the table like a man overcome with sleep, he slept as profoundly as the day before at the same time the caliph gave him the powder. One of the ladies stood ready to catch the glass, which fell out of his hand; and then the caliph, who took a greater satisfaction in this scene than he had promised himself and was all along a spectator of what had passed, came into the hall to them, overjoyed at the success of his plan. He ordered Abon Hassan to be dressed again in his own clothes, and to be carried back again to his own house by the same slave that brought him, charging him to lay him on a sofa in the same room, without making any noise, and to leave the door open when he came away.

The slave took Abon Hassan upon his shoulders, and carried him home by a back door of the palace, placed him in his own house as he was ordered, and returned with speed, to acquaint the caliph what he had done. Well, said the caliph, Abon Hassan wished only to be caliph for one day, to punish the iman of the mosque of his quarter, and the four scheiks or old men who had displeased him: I have procured him the means of doing this, and he ought to be content.

In the mean time, Abon Hassan, who was laid upon his sofa by the slave, slept till very late the next morning. When the powder was worked off, Abon Hassan waked and opened his eyes, and finding himself at home, was in the utmost surprise. Cluster of Pearls! Morning Star! Coral Lips! Moon Face! cried he, calling the ladies of the palace by their names, as he remembered them; where are you? come hither.

Abon Hassan called so loud, that his mother, who was in her own apartment, heard, and running to him upon the noise he made, said, What ails you, son? what has happened to you? At these words Abon Hassan lifted up his head, and looking haughtily at his mother, said, Good woman! who is it you call son? --Why you, answered his mother very mildly; are not you Abon Hassan, my son? It is strange that you have forgot yourself so soon. I your son! old trull! replied Abon Hassan; you are a liar, and know not what you say! I am not Abon Hassan, I tell you, but the commander of the faithful!

Hold your tongue, son, answered the mother; one would think you are a fool to hear you talk thus. You are an old fool yourself, replied Abon Hassan; I tell you once more I am the commander of the faithful, and God’s vicar on earth! Ah! child, cried the mother, is it possible that I should hear you utter such words that show you are distracted! What evil genius possesses you, to make you talk at this rate? God bless you, and preserve you from the power of Satan. You are my son Abon Hassan, and I am your mother.

After she had made use of all the arguments she could think of to bring him to himself, and to show how great an error he was in, she said, Do not you see, that the room you are now in is your own, and is not like a chamber in a palace fit for the commander of the believers, and that you have never left it since you was born, but lived quietly at home with me? Think seriously of what I say, and do not fancy things that are not, nor ever can be. Once more, my son, think seriously of it.

Abon Hassan heard all these remonstrances of his mother very patiently, holding down his eyes, and clapping his hands under his chin, like a man recollecting himself, to examine the truth of what he saw and heard. At last, he said to his mother, just as if he was come out of a deep sleep, and with his hand in the same posture, I believe you are right; methinks I am Abon Hassan, you are my mother, and I am in my own room. Then looking at her again, and at every object before him, he added, I am Abon Hassan, there is no doubt of it, and I cannot comprehend how this fancy came into my head.

The mother really believed that her son was cured of that disorder of his mind, which she ascribed to a dream, and began to laugh with him, and ask him questions about this dream; when all on a sudden he started up, and looking crossly at his mother, said, Old sorceress, you know not what you say. I am not your son, nor you my mother. You deceive yourself, and would deceive me. I tell you I am the commander of the faithful, and you shall never persuade me to the contrary! For Heaven’s sake, son, said the mother, let us leave off this discourse; recommend yourself to God, for fear some misfortune should happen to us: let us talk of something else. I will tell you what happened yesterday in our quarter to the iman of the mosque, and the four scheiks our neighbours; the judge of the police came and seized them, and gave each of them I know not how many strokes with a bull’s pizzle, while a crier proclaimed, That was the punishment of all those who troubled themselves about other people’s business, and employed themselves in setting their neighbours at variance: he afterwards led them through all the streets, and ordered them never to come into our quarter again. Abon Hassan’s mother little thought her son had any share in this adventure, and therefore turned the discourse on purpose to put him out of the conceit of being the commander of the faithful; but instead of effacing that idea, she rather recalled it, and impressed it more deeply in his imagination that it was not imaginary, but real.

Abon Hassan no sooner heard this relation, but he cried out, I am neither thy son, nor Abon Hassan, but certainly the commander of the believers. I cannot doubt of it after what you have told me. Know then that it was by my order that the iman and the four scheiks were punished; and I tell you I am certainly the commander of the faithful: therefore tell me no more of its being a dream. I was not asleep, but as much awake as I now am. You do me a pleasure to confirm what the judge of the police told me he had executed punctually according to my order; and I am overjoyed that the iman and the four scheiks, those great hypocrites, were so chastised, and I should be glad to know how I came here. God be praised for all things! I am certainly commander of the faithful, and all thy arguments shall not convince me of the contrary.