Part 36

One day he went to the miller, who was busy at his work, and thinking my brother came for money, he offered him some; but the young slave being present, made him another sign not to take it, which he complied with, and told the miller he did not come for his money, but only to know how he did. The miller thanked him, and gave him an upper garment to make. Bacbouc carried it him next day. When the miller drew out his purse, the young slave gave my brother the usual sign; on which he said to the miller, Neighbour, there is no haste; we will reckon another time: so that the poor ninny went to his shop again, with three terrible distempers upon him, love, hunger, and want of money. The miller’s wife was not only avaricious, but ill-natured; for, not content to cheat my brother of his due, she provoked her husband to revenge himself upon him for making love to her, which they accomplished thus. The miller invited Bacbouc one night to supper, and after giving him a very sorry treat, said to him, Brother, it is too late for you to go home; you had better stay here all night; and then he carried him to a place in the mill, where there was a bed: there he left him, and went to bed with his wife. About the middle of the night, the miller went to my brother, and said, Neighbour, are you asleep? My mule is ill, and I have a quantity of corn to grind; you will do me a great kindness if you will turn the mill in her stead. Bacbouc, to shew his good-nature, told him he was ready to do him that piece of service, if he would show him how. Then the miller tied him by the middle to the mule’s place, and whipping him soundly over the back, said to him, Go, neighbour. --Ho! said my brother, why do you beat me? --It is to make you brisk, said the miller; for without a whip my mule will not go. Bacbouc was amazed at this sort of treatment, but durst not complain. When he had gone five or six rounds, he would fain have rested; but the miller gave him a dozen sound lashes, saying, Courage, neighbour! do not stop, pray; you must go on without taking breath, otherwise you will spoil my meal.

The miller obliged my brother to turn the mill thus all night. About break of day he left him without untying him, and went to his wife’s chamber. Bacbouc continued there for some time, and at last the young slave came and untied him. Ah! said the treacherous wretch, how my mistress and I pitied you! We had no hand in this wicked trick which her husband has played you. The wretched Bacbouc answered her not a word, he was so much fatigued with work and blows; but crept home to his house, resolving never to think more of the miller’s wife.

The telling of this story, said the barber, made the caliph laugh. Go home, said he to me; I have ordered something to be given you to make up for the loss of the good dinner you expected. --Commander of the faithful, said I, I pray your majesty to let me stay till I have told the story of my other brothers. The caliph having signified by his silence that he was willing to hear me, I went on thus:

The Story of the Barber’s second Brother.

My second brother, who was called Backbarah the toothless, going one day through the city, met an old woman in a distant street: she came up to him, and said, I want one word with you; pray stop a moment. He did so, and asked her what she would have. If you have time to come along with me, said she, I will bring you into a stately palace, where you shall see a lady as fair as the day. She will receive you with much pleasure, and give you a treat with excellent wine. I need say no more to you. --But is what you say true? replied my brother. --I am no lying hussy, replied the old woman: I say nothing to you but what is true. But hark, I have something to ask of you. You must be prudent, say but little, and be extremely polite. Backbarah agreed to all this. The old woman went before, and he followed after. They came to the gate of a great palace, where there was abundance of officers and domestics. Some of them would have stopt my brother, but no sooner did the old woman speak to them, than they let him pass. Then turning to my brother, she said to him, You must remember that the young lady I bring you to loves good-nature and modesty, and cannot endure to be contradicted; if you please her in that, you may be sure to obtain of her what you please. Backbarah thanked her for this advice, and promised to follow it.

She brought him into a fine apartment of a great square building, answerable to the magnificence of the palace. There was a gallery round it, and a very fine garden in the middle. The old woman made him sit down upon a handsome sofa, and bid him stay a moment, till she went to tell the young lady of his being come.

My brother, who had never been in such a stately palace before, gazed upon the fine things that he saw; and judging of his good fortune by the magnificence of the palace, he was scarcely able to contain himself for joy. By and by he heard a great noise, occasioned by a troop of merry slaves, who came towards him with loud fits of laughter, and in the middle of them, he perceived a young lady of extraordinary beauty, who was easily known to be their mistress by the respect they paid her. Backbarah, who expected private conversation with the lady, was extremely surprised when he saw so much company with her. In the mean time the slaves put on a grave countenance when they drew near; and when the young lady came up to the sofa, my brother rose up and made her a low bow. She took the upper hand, prayed him to sit down, and said to him with a smiling countenance, I am mightily glad to see you, and wish you all the happiness you can desire. --Madam, replied Backbarah, I cannot desire a greater happiness than to be in your company. --You seem to be of a pleasant humour, said she, and to be disposed to pass the time pleasantly.

She forthwith commanded a collation to be brought; and immediately a table was covered with several baskets of fruits and sweetmeats. The lady sat down at the table with the slaves and my brother; and he being placed just over-against her, when he opened his mouth to eat, she perceived he had no teeth; and taking notice of it to her slaves, she and they laughed at him heartily. Backbarah from time to time lifted up his head to look at her, and perceiving her laugh, thought it was for joy of his company, and flattered himself that she would speedily send away her slaves, and be with him alone. She guessed his thoughts, and pleasing herself to flatter him in his mistake, she gave him abundance of pleasant language, and presented him the best of every thing with her own hand. The treat being ended, they rose from the table; ten slaves took musical instruments, and began to play and sing, and others to dance. My brother, to please them, danced likewise, and the lady danced with them. After they had danced some time, they sat down to take breath, and the young lady, calling for a glass of wine, looked upon my brother with a smiling countenance, to signify that she was going to drink his health. He rose up, and stood while she drank. When she had done, instead of giving back the glass, she ordered it to be filled, and presented it to my brother, that he might pledge her.

My brother took the glass from the young lady’s hand, which he kissed at the same time, and stood and drank to her, in return for the favour she had done him. Then the young lady made him sit down by her, and began to caress him. She put her hand behind his head, and gave him some tips from time to time with her fingers. Ravished with those favours, he thought himself the happiest man in the world, and had a great mind to toy also with the charming lady, but durst not take the liberty before so many slaves, who had their eyes upon him, and laughed at their lady’s wanton tricks. The young lady continued to tip him with her fingers, but at last gave him such a sound box on the ear, that he grew angry at it; the colour came in his face, and he rose up to sit at a greater distance from such a rude play-fellow. Then the old woman who brought him thither gave him a look, to let him know that he was in the wrong, and that he had forgot the advice she gave him to be very complaisant. He owned his fault, and, in order to make amends, he went near the young lady again, and pretended that he did not go away out of any ill-humour. She drew him by the arm, made him sit down by her again, and gave him a thousand malicious squeezes. Her slaves took their part in the diversion: one gave poor Backbarah several fillips on the nose with all her might; another pulled him by the ears, as if she would have pulled them off; and others boxed him so, as might show they were not in jest. My brother bore all this with admirable patience, affecting a gay air, and looking at the old woman, said to her with a forced smile, You told me, indeed, that I should find the lady perfectly kind, pleasant, and charming; I am mightily obliged to you! --All this is nothing, replied the old woman: let her go on; you will see other things by and by. Then the young lady said to him, Brother, you are a brave man; I am glad to find you are so good humoured and complaisant to bear with my little caprices, and that your humour is so conformable to mine. --Madam, replied Backbarah, who was charmed with this discourse, I am no more myself, I am wholly yours; you may dispose of me as you please. --How you oblige me, said the lady, by such submission! I am very well pleased with you, and would have you be so with me. Bring him perfume, said she, and rose water. Upon this, two slaves went out, and returned speedily; one with a silver casket, filled with the best of aloes-wood, with which she perfumed him; and the other with rose-water, which she sprinkled on his face and hands. My brother was quite beside himself at this handsome treatment. After this ceremony, the young lady commanded the slaves, who had already played on their instruments and sung, to renew their concerts. They obeyed, and in the mean time the lady called another slave, and ordered her to carry my brother with her, and do what she knew, and bring him back to her again. Backbarah, who heard this order, got up quickly, and going to the old woman, who also rose up to go along with him and the slave, prayed her to tell him what they were to do with him. My mistress is only curious, replied the old woman, softly; she has a mind to see how you look in a woman’s dress; and this slave, who has orders to carry you with her, has orders to paint your eyebrows, to cut off your whiskers, and to dress you like a woman. --You may paint my eyebrows as much as you please, said my brother; I agree to that, because I can wash it off again; but to shave me, you know I must not allow. How can I appear abroad again without mustachios? --Beware of refusing what is asked of you, said the old woman: you will spoil your fortune, which is now in as favourable a train as heart can wish. The lady loves you, and has a mind to make you happy; and will you, for a nasty whisker, renounce the most delicious favours that man can obtain? --Backbarah listened to the old woman, and without saying a word, went to a chamber with the slave, where they painted his eyebrows with red, cut off his whiskers, and were going to do the like with his beard. My brother’s patience then began to fail: Oh! said he, I will never part with my beard. The slave told him that it was to no purpose to have parted with his whiskers, if he would not also part with his beard, which could never agree with a woman’s dress; and she wondered that a man, who was upon the point to enjoy the finest lady in Bagdad, should be concerned about his beard. The old woman threatened him with the loss of the young lady’s favour; so that at last he let them do what they would. When he was dressed like a woman, they brought him before the young lady, who laughed so heartily when she saw him, that she fell backward on the sofa where she sat. The slaves laughed and clapped their hands, so that my brother was quite out of countenance. The young lady got up, and still laughing, said to him, After so much complaisance for me, I should be very much to blame not to love you with all my heart: but there is one thing more you must do for me, and that is, to dance as we do. He obeyed, and the young lady and her slaves danced with him, laughing as if they had been mad. After they had danced some time with him, they all fell upon the poor wretch, and did so box and kick him, that he fell down like one out of his senses. The old woman helped him up again; and that he might not have time to think of his ill treatment, she bid him take courage, and whispered in his ear, that all his sufferings were at an end, and that he was just about to receive his reward.

You have only one thing more to do, and that is but a small one. You must know that my mistress has a custom, when she has drank a little, as you see she has done to-day, to let nobody that she loves come near her, except they be stripped to their shirt; and when they have done so, she takes a little advantage of them, and begins running before them through the gallery, and from chamber to chamber, till they catch her. This is one more of her humours. What advantage soever she takes of you, considering your nimbleness and inclination, you will soon overtake her: strip yourself then to your shirt; undress yourself without ceremony.

My silly brother, said the barber, had done too much to hesitate at any thing now. He undressed himself; and in the mean time the young lady was stripped to her shift and under-petticoat, that she might run the more nimbly. When they were ready to run, the young lady took the advantage of twenty paces, and then fell to running with surprising swiftness: my brother followed her as fast as he could, the slaves in the mean time laughing heartily, and clapping their hands. The young lady, instead of losing ground, gained upon my brother; she made him run two or three times round the gallery, and then running into a long dark entry, got away by a passage which she knew. Backbarah, who still followed her, having lost sight of her in the entry, was obliged to slacken his pace, because of the darkness of the place: at last perceiving a light he ran towards it, and went out at a door, which was immediately shut upon him. You may imagine how he was surprised to find himself in a street inhabited by curriers; and they were no less surprised to see him in his shirt, his eyes painted red, and without beard or mustachios. They began to clap their hands and shouted at him, and some of them ran after him and lashed his buttocks with leather straps. They then took him and set him upon an ass which they met by chance, and carried him through the town, exposed to the laughter of the people.

To complete his misfortune, as he went by the judge’s house, he would needs know the cause of the tumult. The curriers told him, that they saw him come in that condition out at the gate of the apartment of the grand vizier’s women, which opened into the street; upon which the judge ordered unfortunate Backbarah to have a hundred blows with a cane on the soles of his feet, and sent him out of the town, with orders never to return again.

Thus, commander of the faithful, said I to the caliph Monstanser Billah, I have given an account of the adventure of my second brother, who did not know that our greatest ladies divert themselves sometimes by putting such tricks upon young people, who are so foolish as to be caught in the snare.

The barber, without leaving off, told the story of his third brother in the following manner.

The Story of the Barber’s third Brother.

Commander of the faithful, said he to the caliph, my third brother, whose name was Backbac, was blind, and his evil destiny reduced him to beg from door to door. He had been so long accustomed to walk through the streets alone, that he wanted none to lead him. He had a custom to knock at people’s doors, and not to answer till they opened to him. One day he knocked thus at a door, and the master of the house, who was alone, cried, Who is there? My brother gave no answer, and knocked a second time. The master of the house asked again and again, Who is there? but to no purpose: nobody answered. Upon which he came down, opened the door, and asked my brother what he wanted. Give me something for Heaven’s sake, said Backbac. --You seem to be blind, replied the master of the house. Yes, to my sorrow, said my brother. Give me your band, said the master of the house. My brother did so, thinking he was going to give him alms; but he only took him by the hand to lead him up to his chamber. Backbac thought he had been carrying him to dine with him, as many other people had done. When they came up to the chamber, the man let go his hand, and sitting down, asked him again what he wanted. I have already told you, said Backbac, that I want something for God’s sake. --Good blind man, replied the master of the house, all that I can do for you is to wish that God may restore you your sight. --You might have told me that at the door, said my brother, and not have given me the trouble to have come up stairs. --And why, fool, said the man of the house, do not you answer at first, when people ask you who is there? Why do you give any body the trouble to come and open the door when they speak to you? --What will you do with me then? said my brother. --I tell you again, said the man of the house, I have nothing to give you. --Help me down the stairs then, replied Backbac, as you helped me up. --The stairs are before you, said the man of the house, and you may go down by yourself if you will. My brother attempted to go down, but missing a step about the middle of the stairs, he fell to the bottom, and hurt his head and his back: he got up again with a great deal of difficulty, and went out cursing the master of the house, who laughed at his fall.

As my brother went out of the house, two blind men, his companions, were going by, knew him by his voice, and asked him what was the matter. He told them what had happened to him, and afterwards said, I have eat nothing to day: I conjure you to go along with me to my house, that I may take some of the money that we three have in common to buy me something for supper. The two blind men agreed to it, and they went home with him.

You must know that the master of the house where my brother was so ill used was a highwayman, and of a cunning and malicious disposition. He heard at his window what Backbac had said to his companions, and therefore came down and followed them to my brother’s house. The blind men being sat down, Backbac said to them, Brothers, we must shut the door, and take care there be no stranger with us. At this the highwayman was much perplexed; but perceiving by chance a rope hanging down from a beam, he caught hold of it, and hung by it, while the blind men shut the door, and felt about the room with their sticks. When they had done this, and sat down again in their places, the highwayman left his rope, and sat down softly by my brother; who thinking himself alone with his blind comrades, said to them, Brothers, since you have trusted me with the money which we all three have been gathering a long time, I will show you that I am not unworthy of the trust that you repose in me. The last time we reckoned, you know we had ten thousand drachms, and that we put them into ten bags; I will show you that I have not touched one of them; and having said so, he put his hand among some old clothes, and taking out the bags one after another, gave them to his comrades, saying, There they are; you may judge by their weight that they are whole, or you may tell them if you please. His comrades answered there was no need, they did not mistrust him; so he opened one of the bags, and took out ten drachms, and each of the other blind men did the like.

My brother put the bags into their place again: after which, one of the blind men said to him, There is no need to lay out any thing for supper, for I have got as much victuals from good people as will serve us all three. At the same time he took out of his bag bread and cheese, and some fruit, and, putting all upon the table, they began to eat. --The highwayman, who sat at my brother’s right hand, picked out the best, and eat with them; but, whatever care he took to make no noise, Backbac heard his chaps going, and cried out immediately, We are undone; there is a stranger among us: and having said so, he stretched out his hand, and caught hold of the highwayman by the arm, cried out, Thieves, fell upon him, and boxed him. The other blind men fell upon him in like manner, and the highwayman defended himself as well as he could; and being young and vigorous, and having the advantage of his eyes, he gave furious blows, sometimes to one, sometimes to another, as he could come at them, and cried out, Thieves, louder than they did. The neighbours came running at the noise, broke open the door, and had much ado to separate the combatants; but having at last succeeded, they asked the cause of their quarrel. My brother, who still had hold of the highwayman, cried out. Gentlemen, this man I have hold on is a thief, and stole in with us on purpose to rob us of the little money we have. The thief, who shut his eyes as soon as the neighbours came, feigned himself blind, and cried out, Gentlemen, he is a liar. I swear to you by Heaven, and by the life of the caliph, that I am their companion, and they refuse to give me my just share. They have all three fallen upon me, and I demand justice. The neighbours would not interfere in their quarrel, but carried them all before the judge.

When they came before the magistrate, the highwayman, without staying to be examined, cried out, still feigning himself blind, Sir, since you are deputed to administer justice by the caliph, whom God prosper, I declare to you that we are equally criminal, my three comrades and I; but we have all engaged, upon oath, to confess nothing except we be bastinadoed; so that if you would know our crime, you need only order us to be bastinadoed, and begin with me. My brother would have spoken, but was not allowed to do so; and the highwayman was put under the bastinado.