Part 35

The barber sung the song, and danced the dance of Zantout, and let me say what I could to oblige him to make an end of his buffooneries, he did not give over till he imitated, in like manner, the songs and dances of the other people he had named. After that, addressing himself to me, I am going, said he, to invite all these honest men to my house: if you will take my advice, you will join us, and disappoint your friends yonder, who perhaps are great talkers, that will only tease you to death with their impertinent discourse, and make you relapse into a distemper worse than that you are so lately recovered of; whereas at my house you shall have nothing but pleasure.

Notwithstanding my anger, I could not forbear laughing at the fellow’s impertinence. I wish I had no business upon my hands, said I; I would accept of the proposal you make me; I would go with all my heart to be merry with you: but I beg to be excused; I am too much engaged this day; another day I shall be more at leisure, and then we shall make up that company. Come, finish shaving me, and make haste home; perhaps your friends are already come to your house. --Sir, said he, do not refuse me the favour I ask of you; come and be merry with the good company I am to have: if you were but once in our company, you would be so pleased with it, you would forsake your friends to come to us. Let us talk no more of that, said I; I cannot be your guest.

I found I gained no ground by mild terms. Since you will not come to my house, replied the barber, you must allow me to go along with you: I will go and carry these things to my house, where my friends may eat of them, if they like them, and I will return immediately: I would not be so uncivil as to leave you alone. You deserve this piece of complaisance at my hands. --Heavens! cried I, then I shall not get clear of this troublesome fellow to-day. In the name of the living God, said I, leave off your unreasonable jargon; go to your friends, drink, eat, and be merry with them, and leave me at liberty to go to mine. I have a mind to go alone: I have no occasion for company: besides, I must needs tell you, the place to which I go is not a place where you can be received; nobody must come there but I. --You jest, sir, said he: if your friends have invited you to a feast, what should prevent you from allowing me to accompany you? You will please them, I am sure, by carrying thither a man that can talk comically like me, and knows how to divert company. But say what you will, I am determined I will go along with you, in spite of you.

These words, gentlemen, perplexed me much. How shall I get rid of this cursed barber? thought I to myself. If I persist in contradicting him, we shall never have done.

Besides, I heard then the first call to noon prayers, and it was time for me to go. In fine, I resolved to say nothing at all, and to make as if I consented to his accompanying me. He then made an end of shaving me, and I said to him, Take some of my servants to carry these provisions along with you, and return hither; I will stay for you and shall not go without you.

At last he went, and I dressed myself quickly. I heard the last call to prayers, and made haste to set out: but the malicious barber, who guessed my intention, went with my servants only within sight of the house, and stood there till he saw them enter his house; having hid himself at the corner of the street, with an intent to observe and follow me. In fine, when I arrived at the cadi’s door, I looked back and saw him at the head of the street, which fretted me to the last degree.

The cadi’s door was half open, and as I went in I saw an old woman waiting for me, who after she had shut the door, conducted me to the chamber of the young lady I was in love with; but we had scarce began our interview, when we heard a noise in the streets. The young lady put her head to the window, and saw through the gate, that it was the cadi her father returning already from prayers. At the same time I looked through the window, and saw the barber sitting over-against the house, in the same place where I had seen the young lady before.

I had then two things to fear, the arrival of the cadi, and the presence of the barber. The young lady mitigated my fear of the first, by assuring me, the cadi came but very seldom to her chamber, and as she had foreseen that this misadventure might happen, she had contrived a way to convey me out safe: but the indiscretion of the accursed barber made me very uneasy; and you shall hear that this my uneasiness was not without ground.

As soon as the cadi was come in, he caned one of his slaves that had deserved it. This slave made a horrid noise, which was heard in the streets: the barber thought it was I that cried out, and was maltreated. Prepossessed with this thought, he roared out aloud, rent his clothes, threw dust upon his head, and called the neighbourhood to his assistance. The neighbourhood came, and asked what assistance he wanted. Alas! cried he, they are assassinating my master, my dear patron; and without saying any thing more, he ran all the way to my house, with the very same cry in his mouth. From thence he returned, followed by all my domestics armed with sticks. They knocked with inconceivable fury at the cadi’s door, and the cadi sent a slave to see what was the matter; but the slave being frightened, returned to his master, crying, Sir, above ten thousand men are going to break into your house by force.

Immediately the cadi himself ran, opened the door, and asked what they wanted. His venerable presence could not inspire them with respect. They insolently said to him, You cursed cadi, you dog of a cadi, what reason have you to assassinate our master? What has he done to you? --Good people, replied the cadi, for what should I assassinate your master, whom I do not know, and who has done me no harm? My house is open to you; come, see and search. --You bastinadoed him, said the barber; I heard his cries not a minute ago. --But once more, replied the cadi, what harm could your master do to me, to oblige me to abuse him after that rate? Is he in my house? If he is, how came he in, or who could have introduced him? --Ah! wretched cadi, cried the barber, you and your long beard shall never make me believe what you say. I know what I say; your daughter is in love with our master, and appointed him a meeting during the time of noon prayer: you without doubt have had notice of it; you returned home, and surprised him, and made your slaves bastinado him: but this your wicked action shall not pass with impunity; the caliph shall be acquainted with it, and he will give true and brief justice. Let him come out; deliver him to us immediately; or if you do not, we will go and take him out to your shame. --There is no occasion for so many words, replied the cadi, nor to make so great a noise: if what you say is true, go and find him out; I give you free liberty. Thereupon the barber and my domestics rushed into the house like furies, and looked for me all about.

As I heard all that the barber said to the cadi, I sought for a place to hide myself, and could find nothing but a great empty trunk, in which I lay down, and shut it upon me. The barber, after he had searched every where, came into the chamber where I was, and opening the trunk, as soon as he saw me, he took it upon his head and carried it away. He came down a high staircase into a court, which he crossed hastily, and got to the street door. While he carried me, the trunk unhappily flew open, and I, not being able to endure the shame of being exposed to the view and shouts of the mob that followed us, leaped out into the street with so much haste that I hurt my leg so, that I have been lame ever since. I was not sensible how bad it was at first, and therefore got up quickly to get away from the people, who laughed at me; nay, I threw handfulls of gold and silver among them, and whilst they were gathering it up, I made my escape by cross streets and alleys. But the cursed barber, availing himself of the stratagem that I had made use of to get away from the mob, followed me close, crying, Stay, sir; why do you run so fast? If you knew how much I am afflicted at the ill treatment you received from the cadi, --you, who are so generous, and to whom I and my friends are so much obliged! Did I not tell you truly, that you would expose your life by your obstinate refusal to let me go with you? See what has happened to you, by your own fault; and if I had not resolutely followed you, to see whither you went, what would have become of you? Whither do you go, sir? Stay for me.

Thus the wretched barber cried aloud in the streets; it was not enough for him to have occasioned so great a scandal in the quarter where the cadi lived, but he would have it known through the whole town. I was in such a rage, that I had a great mind to have staid and cut his throat; but considering that that would have perplexed me farther, I chose another course; for, perceiving that his calling after me exposed me to vast numbers of people, who crowded to the doors or windows, or stopped in the street to gaze on me, I entered into a khan or inn, [75] the chamberlain of which knew me; and finding him at the gate, whither the noise had brought him, I prayed him, for the sake of heaven, to hinder that madman from coming in after me. He promised to do so, and was as good as his word, but not without a great deal of trouble, for the obstinate barber would go in, in spite of him, and did not retire without calling him a thousand names; and after the chamberlain shut the gate, the barber continued telling all he met what great service he had done me. Thus I rid myself of that troublesome fellow. After that, the chamberlain prayed me to tell him my adventure, which I did, and then desired him to let me have an apartment until I was cured. But, sir, said he, will it not be more convenient for you to go home? I will not return thither, said I; for the detestable barber will continue plaguing me there, and I shall die of vexation to be continually teased with him. Besides, after what has befallen me to-day, I cannot think of staying any longer in this town; I must go whither my ill-fortune leads me; and actually, when I was cured, I took all the money I thought necessary for my travels, and gave the rest of my estate among my kindred.

Thus, gentlemen, I left Bagdad, and came hither. I had ground to hope that I should not meet this pernicious barber in a country so far from my own, and yet I find him amongst you. Be not surprised then at my haste to be gone; you may easily judge how unpleasant to me is the sight of a man, who was the occasion of my lameness, and of my being reduced to the melancholy necessity of living so far from my kindred, friends, and country. When he had spoken these words, the lame young man rose up and went out. The master of the house conducted him to the gate, and told him he was sorry that he had given him, though innocently, so great a subject of mortification.

When the young man was gone, continued the tailor, we were all astonished at the story, and, turning to the barber, told him he was very much to blame, if what we had just heard were true. Gentlemen, answered he, raising up his head, which till then he had held down, my silence during the young man’s discourse is sufficient to testify that he advanced nothing that was not true: but for all that he has said to you, I maintain that I ought to have done what I did; I leave you to be judges of it. Did not he throw himself into danger, and could he have come off so well without my assistance? He may think himself happy to get off with the lame leg. Did not I expose myself to greater danger to get him out of a house, where I thought he was ill-treated? Has he any reason to complain of me, and abuse me so? This is what one gets by serving unthankful people. He accuses me of being a prattling fellow, which is a mere slander: of seven brothers, I speak least, and have most wit to my share; and to convince you of it, gentlemen, I need only to tell my own story and theirs. Honour me, I beseech you, with your attention.

The Story of the Barber.

In the reign of the caliph Monstanser Bilah, [76] continued he, a prince so famous for his vast liberality towards the poor, ten highwaymen infested the roads about Bagdad, and for a long time committed unheard-of robberies and cruelties. The caliph, having notice of this, sent for the judge of the police, some days before the feast of Bairam, and ordered him, on pain of death, to bring all the ten to him.

The judge of the police used so much diligence, and sent so many people in pursuit of the ten robbers, that they were taken on the very day of Bairam. I was walking then on the banks of the Tigris, and saw ten men richly apparelled go into a boat. I might have known they were robbers, had I observed the guards that were with them; but I looked only to them, and thinking they were people that had a mind to spend the festival-day in jollity, I entered the boat with them, without saying one word, in hopes they would allow me to be one of the company. We went down the Tigris, and landed before the caliph’s palace: I had time then to consider with myself, and to find my mistake. When we came out of the boat, we were surrounded by a new troop of the judge of the police’s guard, who bound us all, and carried us before the caliph. I suffered myself to be bound as well as the rest, without speaking one word: for to what purpose should I have spoken, or made any resistance? That had been the way to have got myself ill-treated by the guards, who would not have listened to me; for they are brutish fellows, who will hear no reason: I was with the robbers, and that was enough to make them believe me to be one of them.

When we came before the caliph, he ordered the ten highwaymen’s heads to be cut off immediately. The executioner drew us up in a file within reach of his arm, and by good fortune I was the last. He cut off the heads of the ten highwaymen, beginning at the first; and when he came to me, he stopt. The caliph perceiving that he did not strike me, grew angry: Did not I command thee, said he, to cut off the heads of ten highwaymen, and why hast thou cut off but nine? --Commander of the faithful, said he, Heaven preserve me from disobeying your majesty’s orders: here are ten corpses upon the ground, and as many heads which I cut off; your majesty may count them. When the caliph saw that what the executioner said was true, he looked upon me with amazement, and perceiving that I had not the face of a highwayman, said to me, Good old man, how came you to be among those wretches, who have deserved a thousand deaths? I answered, Commander of the faithful, I shall make a true confession. This morning I saw those ten persons, whose punishment is a proof of your majesty’s justice, take boat: I embarked with them, thinking they were men going to celebrate this day, which is the most distinguished in our religion.

The caliph could not forbear laughing at my adventure; and instead of treating me as a prattling fellow, as this lame young man did, he admired my discretion and steady silence. Commander of the faithful, said I, your majesty need not wonder at my keeping silence on such an occasion as would have made another apt to speak: I make it a particular profession of holding my peace, and upon that account I have acquired the glorious title of Silent; by which I am distinguished from my six brothers. This is the effect of my philosophy; and, in a word, in this virtue consists my glory and happiness. I am very glad, said the caliph, smiling, that they gave you a title that you know how to make such good use of. But tell me, what sort of men were your brothers: were they like you? By no means, said I; they were all of them more given to prating one than another. And as to their persons, there was still a greater difference betwixt them and me. The first was hump-backed; the second had rotten teeth; the third had but one eye; the fourth was blind; the fifth had his ears cut off, and the sixth had hare-lips. They have met with such adventures as would enable you to judge of their characters, had I the honour to tell them to your majesty; and since the caliph seemed desirous to hear their several stories, I went on without waiting his commands.

The Story of the Barber’s eldest Brother.

Sir, said I, my eldest brother whose name was Bacbouc the Hump-back, was a tailor by trade: when he came out of his apprenticeship, he hired a shop over against a mill, and having but very little business, he could scarcely maintain himself. The miller, on the contrary, was very wealthy, and had a very handsome wife. One day, as my brother was at work in his shop, he lifted up his head and saw the miller’s wife looking out of the window, and was charmed with her beauty. The woman took no notice of him, but shut her window, and came no more to it all that day. The poor tailor did nothing but lift up his eyes towards the mill all day long. He pricked his finger oftener than once, and his work that day was not very regular. At night, when he was to shut his shop, he could scarce tell how to do it, because he still hoped the miller’s wife would come to the window once more; but at last he was forced to shut up, and go home to his little house, where he passed but a very uncomfortable night. He got up betimes in the morning, and ran to his shop, in hopes to see his mistress again; but he was no happier than the day before, for the miller’s wife did not appear at the window above a minute in the whole day, but that minute made the tailor the most amorous man that ever lived. The third day he had some more ground of satisfaction, for the miller’s wife cast her eyes upon him by chance, and surprised him as he was gazing at her, which convinced her what passed in his mind.

No sooner did the miller’s wife perceive my brother’s inclination, than instead of being vexed at it, she resolved to divert herself with it. She looked upon him with a smiling countenance, and my brother looked upon her in the same manner, but after such an odd sort, that the miller’s wife presently shut her window, lest her loud laughter should have made him sensible that she only ridiculed him. Poor Bacbouc interpreted her carriage to his own advantage, and flattered himself that she looked upon him with pleasure.

The miller’s wife resolved to make sport with my brother: she had a piece of very fine stuff, with which she had a long time designed to make her a suit; she wrapt it up in a fine embroidered silk handkerchief, and sent it him by a young slave whom she kept; who being taught her lesson, comes to the tailor’s shop, and tells him, My mistress gives you her service, and prays you to make her a suit of this stuff according to this pattern; she changes her clothes often, so that her custom will be profitable to you. My brother doubted not that the miller’s wife loved him, and thought that she sent him work so soon after what had passed betwixt them, only to signify that she knew his mind, and to convince him that he had obtained her favour. My brother being of this opinion, charged the slave to tell her mistress, that he would lay aside all work for her’s, and that the suit should be ready next morning. He worked at it with so much diligence, that he finished it the same day. Next morning, the young slave came to see if the suit was ready. Bacbouc gave it to her neatly folded up, telling her, I am too much concerned to please your mistress to neglect her suit; I would engage her by my diligence to employ no other but myself for the time to come. The young slave went some steps as if she had intended to go away, and then coming back, whispered to my brother, I had forgot part of my commission; my mistress charged me to make her compliments to you, and to ask, how you passed the night; as for her, poor woman, she loves you so, that she could not sleep. --Tell her, answered my silly brother, I have so strong a passion for her, that for these four nights I have not slept one wink. --After such a compliment from the miller’s wife, my brother thought she would not let him languish long in the expectation of her favours.

About a quarter of an hour after, the slave returned to my brother with a piece of satin: My mistress, said she, is very well pleased with her suit; nothing in the world can fit her better; and as it was very handsome, she would not wear it without a new petticoat; she prays you to make her one, as soon as you can, of this piece of satin. --Enough, said Bacbouc; I will do it before I leave my shop; you shall have it in the evening. The miller’s wife showed herself often at her window, and was very prodigal of her charms, to encourage my brother. You would have laughed to have seen him work. The petticoat was soon made, and the slave came for it, but brought the tailor no money, neither for the trimming he had bought for the suit, nor for the making. In the mean time, this unfortunate lover, whom they only amused, though he could not see it, had eat nothing all that day, and was forced to borrow money at night to buy his supper. Next morning, as soon as he arrived at his shop, the young slave came to tell him, that the miller wanted to speak to him. My mistress, said she, has told him so much in your praise, when she showed him your work, that he has a mind you should work also for him; she does it on purpose, that the connexion she wished to form betwixt you and him may crown your mutual wishes with success. My brother was easily persuaded, and went to the mill with the slave. The miller received him very kindly, and showed him a piece of cloth, told him he wanted shirts, bid him make it into twenty, and give him again what was left.

My brother had work enough for five or six days to make twenty shirts for the miller, who afterwards gave him another piece of cloth to make him as many pair of drawers. When they were finished, Bacbouc carried them to the miller, who asked him what he must have for his pains. My brother answered, he would be content with twenty drachms of silver. The miller immediately called the young slave, and bid her bring him his weights, to see if his money was right. The slave, who had her lesson, looked at my brother with an angry countenance, to signify to him that he would spoil all if he took any money. He knew her meaning, and refused to take any, though he wanted it so much, that he was forced to borrow money to buy the thread that sewed the shirts and drawers. When he left the miller, he came to me to borrow money to live on, and told me they did not pay him. I gave him some copper money I had in my purse, and upon that he subsisted for some days: it is true, indeed, he lived upon nothing but broth, nor had he his fill of that.