Part 34

I had not been yet disturbed with any passion; I was so far from being sensible of love, that I acknowledge, perhaps to my shame, that I cautiously avoided the conversation of women. One day, walking in the streets, I saw a great company of ladies before me, and that I might not meet them, I turned down a narrow lane just by, and sat down upon a bench by a door. I sat over against a window where there stood a pot with very pretty flowers, and I had my eyes fixed upon it, when on a sudden the window opened, and a young lady appeared, whose beauty struck me. Immediately she cast her eyes upon me; and in watering the flower-pot with a hand whiter than alabaster, looked upon me with a smile that inspired me with as much love for her, as I had formerly aversion for all women. After having watered her flowers, and darted upon me a glance full of charms that pierced my heart, she shut the window again, and left me in inconceivable perplexity, from which I should not have recovered, if a noise in the street had not brought me to myself. I lifted up my head, and turning saw the first cadi of the city, mounted on a mule, and attended by five or six servants: he alighted at the door of the house where the young lady had opened the window, and went in; from whence I concluded he was the young lady’s father.

I went home in a different state of mind; tossed with a passion the more violent, as I had never felt its assaults before: I went to bed in a violent fever, at which all the family was much concerned. My relations, who had a great affection for me, were so alarmed with the sudden disorder, that they importuned me to tell the cause; which I took care not to discover. My silence created an uneasiness that the physicians could not dispel, because they knew nothing of my distemper, and by their medicines they rather inflamed than checked it.

My relations began to despair of my life, when an old lady of our acquaintance hearing I was ill, came to see me. She considered me with great attention, and after having examined me, penetrated, I know not how, the real cause of my illness. She took my relations aside, and desired all my people would retire out of the room, and leave her alone with me.

When the room was clear, she sat down on the side of my bed. My son, said she, you have obstinately concealed the cause of your illness; but you have no occasion to reveal it to me. I have experience enough to penetrate into a secret; you will not deny it, when I tell you it is love that makes you sick. I can find a way to cure you, if you will but let me know who that happy lady is that could move a heart so insensible as yours; for you have the character of a woman-hater, and I was not the last that perceived that such was your disposition; but what I foresaw has come to pass, and I am now glad of the opportunity to employ my talents in relieving your pain.

The old lady, having talked to me thus, paused, expecting my answer; but though what she had said had made a strong impression upon me, I durst not lay open to her the bottom of my heart: I only turned to her, and fetched a deep sigh, without saying any thing. Is it bashfulness, said she, that keeps you from speaking? or is it want of confidence in me? Do you doubt the effect of my promise? I could mention to you a number of young men of your acquaintance that have been in the same condition with you, and have received relief from me.

The good lady told me so many more circumstances, that I broke silence, declared to her my complaint, pointed out to her the place where I had seen the object which occasioned it, and unravelled all the circumstances of my adventure. If you succeed, said I, and procure me the happiness of seeing that charming beauty, and revealing to her the passion with which I burn for her, you may depend upon it I will be grateful. --My son, said the old woman, I know the lady you speak of; she is, as you rightly judge, the daughter of the first cadi of this city. I am not surprised that you are in love with her: she is the handsomest and most lovely lady in Bagdad; but what I most hesitate about is, that she is very proud, and of difficult access. You know now strict our judges are in enjoining the punctual observance of the severe laws that confine women in such a strict constraint; and they are yet more strict in the observation of them in their own families: the cadi you saw is more rigid in that point than all the other magistrates together. They are always preaching to their daughters what a heinous crime it is to shew themselves to men; and the girls themselves are so prepossessed with the notion, that they make no other use of their own eyes but to conduct them along the street, when necessity obliges them to go abroad. I do not say absolutely that the first cadi’s daughter is of that humour; but that does not hinder my fearing to meet with as great obstacles on her side as on her father’s. Would to God you had loved any other! then I should not have had so many difficulties to surmount. However, I shall employ all my wits to compass the matter; but it requires time. In the mean time, take courage, and trust in me.

The old woman took leave of me; and as I weighed within myself all the obstacles she had been talking of, the fear of her not succeeding in her undertaking inflamed my disorder. Next day she came again, and I read in her countenance that she had no favourable news to impart. She spoke thus; My son, I was not mistaken; I have somewhat else to conquer besides the vigilance of a father: you love an insensible object, who takes pleasure in making every one burn with love who suffer themselves to be charmed by her; but she will not deign them the least comfort. She heard me with pleasure, when I spoke of nothing but the torment she made you undergo; but I no sooner opened my mouth to engage her to allow you to see her, and converse with her, but casting at me a terrible look, You are very bold, said she, to make such a proposal to me; I charge you never to see me again with such language.

Do not let this cast you down, continued she; I am not easily disheartened; and if your patience does but hold out, I am hopeful I shall compass my end. To shorten my story, said the young man, this good go-between made several fruitless attacks in my behalf on the proud enemy of my rest. The vexation I suffered inflamed my distemper to that degree, that my physicians gave me over. I was considered as a dead man, when the old woman came to recall me to life.

That nobody might hear what was said, she whispered in my ear, --Remember the present you owe for the good news I bring you. These words produced a marvellous effect; I raised myself up in the bed, and with transport made answer. You shall not go without a present; but what is the news you bring me? --Dear sir, said she, you shall not die; I shall speedily have the pleasure to see you in perfect health, and very well satisfied with me. Yesterday, being Monday, I went to see the lady you love, and found her in a very good humour. As soon as I came in, I put on a sad countenance, and fetched many deep sighs, and began to squeeze out some tears: My good mother, said she, what is the matter with you? why are you so cast down? --Alas, my dear and honourable lady, said I, I have been just now with the young gentleman I spoke to you of the other day; his business is done; he is giving up his life for love of you; it is a pity, I assure you, and you have been very cruel. --I am at a loss to know, replied she, how you charge me to be the cause of his death. How can I have contributed to it? --How, replied I, did not you tell me the other day, that he sat down before your window, when you opened it to water your flower-pot? He then saw that prodigy of beauty, those charms that your mirror represents to you every day. From that moment he languished, and his disorder is risen to such a height, that he is reduced to the deplorable condition I have mentioned.

You remember well, added I, how rigorously you treated me the last time I was here, when I was offering to speak to you of his illness, and to propose a means to rescue him from the danger he was in: when I took leave of you, I went straight to his house, and he, knew no sooner by my countenance that I had brought no favourable answer, than his distemper increased. From that time, madam, he has been ready to die, and I do not know whether you can save his life now, though you should take pity on him. This is just what I said to her, continued the old woman. The fear of your death alarmed her, and I saw her face change colour. Is what you say true? said she. Has he actually no other disorder but what was occasioned by the love of me? --Ah! madam, said I, it is too true; would to God it were false! --Do you believe, said she, that the hopes of seeing me would at all contribute to rescue him from the danger he is in? --Perhaps it may, said I; and if you will give me orders, I will try the remedy. --Well, said she, sighing, give him hopes of seeing me; but he must pretend to no other favour from me, unless he aspires to marry me, and my father gives his consent to it. --Madam, replied I, your goodness overcomes me: I will go and seek the young gentleman, and tell him he is to have the pleasure of an interview with you. --The properest time I can think of, said she, for granting him that favour, is next Friday, at the time of noon prayers. Let him take care to observe when my father goes out, and then come and plant himself over-against the house, if his health permits him to come abroad. When he comes, I shall see him through my window, and shall come down and open the door to him: we shall then converse together during prayer-time, and he must be gone before my father returns.

It is now Tuesday, continued the old lady; you have from this time to Friday to recover your strength, and make the necessary dispositions for the interview. While the good old lady was speaking, I felt my illness decrease; or rather, by the time she had done. I found myself perfectly well. Here, take this, said I, reaching out to her my purse, which was full; it is to you alone that I owe my cure. I reckon this money better employed than all that I gave to the physicians, who have only tormented me during the whole course of my illness.

When the lady was gone, I found I had strength enough to get up; and my relations finding me so well, complimented me upon it, and went home.

Friday morning the old woman came, just when I was dressing myself, and choosing out the finest clothes in my wardrobe. I do not ask you, said she, how you do: what you are about is intimation enough of your health: but will not you bathe before you go to the first cadi’s house? --That will take up too much time, said I; I will content myself with sending for a barber to shave my head and beard. Immediately I ordered one of my slaves to call a barber that could do his business cleverly and expeditiously.

The slave brought me this wretch you see here; who came, and after saluting me, Sir, said he, you look as if you were not well. I told him I was just recovered from a fit of sickness. I wish, said he, God may deliver you from all mischance; may his grace always go along with you. --I hope, said I, he will grant your wish, for which I am very much obliged to you. --Since you are recovering of a fit of sickness, said he, I pray God preserve your health; but now pray let me know what I am to do; I have brought my razors and my lancets; do you desire to be shaved or to be bled? I replied, I am just recovered of a fit of sickness, I told you, and so you may readily judge I only want to be shaved. Come, make haste, do not lose time in prattling; for I am in haste, and precisely at noon I am to be at a place.

The barber spent much time in opening his case and preparing his razors; instead of putting water into the basin, he took a very handsome astrolabe out of his case, and went very gravely out of my room to the middle of the yard to take the height of the sun, then he returned with the same grave pace, and entering my room, Sir, said he, you will be pleased to know this day is Friday, the 18th of the moon Safar, in the year 653 [73] from the retreat of our great prophet from Mecca to Medina, and in the year 7320 [74] of the epocha of the great Iskender with two horns; and that the conjunction of Mars and Mercury signifies you cannot choose a better time than this very day and hour for being shaved. But on the other hand, the same conjunction is a bad presage to you. I learn from thence, that this day you run a great risk, not indeed of losing your life, but of an inconvenience which will attend you while you live. You are obliged to me for the advice I now give you, to take care to avoid it; I should be sorry if it befell you.

You may guess, gentlemen, how vexed I was at having fallen into the hands of such a prattling, impertinent barber; what an unseasonable adventure it was for a lover preparing for an interview! I was quite angry. I care not, said I, in anger, for your advice and predictions; I did not call you to consult your astrology; you came hither to shave me; shave me, or begone. I will call another barber. --Sir, said he, with a phlegm that put me out of all patience, what reason have you to be angry with me? You do not know that all barbers are not like me; and that you would scarce find such another, if you made it your business to search. You only sent for a barber; but here in my person, you have the best barber in Bagdad, an experienced physician, a very profound chemist, an infallible astrologer, a finished grammarian, a complete orator, a subtle logician, a mathematician perfectly well versed in geometry, arithmetic, astronomy, and all the refinements of algebra; an historian fully master of the histories of all the kingdoms of the universe. Besides, I know all parts of philosophy. I have all our law traditions at my fingers’ ends. I am a poet; I am an architect; and what is it I am not? There is nothing in nature hidden from me. Your deceased father, to whose memory I pay a tribute of tears every time I think of him, was fully convinced of my merit; he was fond of me, and spoke of me in all companies as the first man in the world. Out of gratitude and friendship for him, I am willing to attach myself to you, to take you into my protection, and guard you from all the evils that your stars may threaten.

When I heard all this stuff I could not forbear laughing, notwithstanding my anger. You impertinent prattler! said I, will you have done, and begin to shave me?

Sir, replied the barber to me, you affront me in calling me a prattler; on the contrary, all the world gives me the honourable title of Silent. I had six brothers that you might justly have called prattlers; and that you may know them the better, the name of the first was Bacbouk, of the second, Bakbarah, of the third, Bacbac, of the fourth, Alcouz, of the fifth, Alnascar, and of the sixth, Schacabac. These, indeed, were impertinent chatterers; but for me, who am a younger brother, I am grave and concise in my discourse.

For God’s sake, gentlemen, do but suppose you had been in my place. What could I say, when I saw myself so cruelly situated? Give him three pieces of gold, said I to the slave that was my house-keeper, and send him away, that he may disturb me no more; I will not be shaved this day. --Sir, said the barber, pray what do you mean by that? I did not come to seek for you, it was you sent for me; and since it is so, I swear by the faith of a Mussulman, I will not stir out of these doors till I have shaved you. If you do not know my value, it is not my fault. Your deceased father did me more justice. Every time he sent for me to let him blood, he made me sit down by him, and he was charmed with hearing what fine things I said to him. I kept him in a continual strain of admiration; I elevated him; and when I had finished my discourse, My God, cried he, you are an inexhaustible source of science; no man can reach the depth of your knowledge. My dear sir, said I again, you do me more honour than I deserve. If I say any thing that is fine, it is owing to the favourable audience you vouchsafe me; it is your liberality that inspires me with the sublime thoughts that have the happiness to please you. One day, when he was charmed with an admirable discourse I had made him, Give him, said he, a hundred pieces of gold, and invest him with one of my richest robes. I received the present upon the spot, and presently I drew his horoscope, and found it the happiest in the world. Nay, I carried my gratitude farther; I let him blood with cunning-glasses.

This was not all; he spun out another harangue that was a full half hour long. Tired with hearing him, and fretted at the loss of time, which was almost spent before I was half ready, I did not know what to say. It is impossible, said I, there should be such another man in the world, who takes pleasure, as you do, in making people mad.

I thought that I should succeed better, if I dealt mildly with my barber. In the name of God, said I, leave off all your fine talking, and despatch me presently; business of the last importance calls me, as I have told you already. At this, he fell a laughing; it would be a laudable thing, said he, if our minds were always in the same state; if we were always wise and prudent; however, I am willing to believe, that if you are angry with me, it is your distemper has caused that change in your humour; and for that reason you stand in need of some instructions, and you cannot do better than to follow the example of your father and grandfather. They came and consulted me upon all occasions, and I can say, without vanity, that they always prized my advice highly. Pray, observe, sir, men never succeed in their undertakings, without the advice of men of understanding. A man cannot, says the proverb, be wise, without receiving advice from the wise. I am entirely at your service, and you have only to command me.

What! cannot I prevail with you then? said I, interrupting him, to leave off these long speeches, that tend to nothing but to split my head in pieces, and to detain me from my business? Shave me, I say, or begone! With that, I started up in anger, stamping my foot against the ground.

When he saw I was angry in earnest, Sir, said he, do not be angry; we are going to begin. He lathered my head, and fell to shaving me; but he had not given me four strokes of his razor when he stopped, saying, Sir, you are hasty; you should avoid these transports, that only come from the devil. I am entitled to some consideration on account of my age, my knowledge, and my great virtues.

Go on, and shave me, said I, interrupting him again, and talk no more. That is to say, replied he, you have some urgent business to go about; I will lay you a wager, I guess right. Why, I told you so these two hours, said I: you ought to have shaved me before. Moderate your passion, replied he, perhaps you have not maturely weighed what you are going about: when things are done precipitately, they are generally repented of. I wish you would tell me what mighty business this is you are so earnest upon; I would tell you my opinion of it; besides, you have time enough, since your appointment is not till noon, and it wants three hours of that yet. I do not mind that, said I, persons of honour and of their word are rather before their time than after. But I forget, that in amusing myself with reasoning with you, I give into the faults of you prattling barbers: have done, have done; shave me.

The more haste I was in, the less haste he made. He laid down the razor, and took up his astrolabe; then laid down his astrolabe, and took up his razor again.

The barber quitted his razor again and took up his astrolabe a second time; and so left me half shaved, to go and see precisely what o’clock it was. Back he came, and then, Sir, said he, I knew I was not mistaken; it wants three hours of noon. I am sure of it; or else, all the rules of astronomy are false. Just heaven! cried I, my patience is at an end. I can bear it no longer. You cursed barber! you barber of mischief! I can scarce help falling upon you and strangling you. Softly, sir, said he, very calmly, without being moved by my passion: You are not afraid of a relapse; be not in a passion; I am going to shave you this minute. In speaking these words, he clapped his astrolabe in his case, and took up his razor, and passing it over the strap which was fixed to his belt, fell to shaving me again; but all the while he shaved, the dog could not forbear prattling. If you please, sir, said he, to tell me what is the business you are going about at noon, I could give you some advice that may be of use to you. To satisfy the fellow, I told him I was going to meet some friends at an entertainment at noon, to make merry with me upon the recovery of my health.

When the barber heard me talk of regaling, God bless you this day, as well as all other days, cried he: You put me in mind that yesterday I invited four or five friends to come and eat with me as this day; indeed I had forgot it, and I have as yet made no preparation for them. Do not let that trouble you, said I; though I dine abroad, my larder is always well furnished. I make you a present of all that it contains; and besides, I will order you as much wine as you have occasion for, for I have excellent wine in my cellar; only you must dispatch shaving me: and pray remember it; whereas my father made you presents to encourage you to speak, I give you mine to make you hold your tongue.

He was not satisfied with my promise: God reward you, sir, said he, for your kindness; but pray show me these provisions now, that I may see if there will be enough to entertain my friends: I would have them satisfied with the good fare I make them. --I have, said I, a lamb, six capons, a dozen chickens, and enough to make four courses. I ordered a slave to bring all before him, with four great pitchers of wine. It is very well, said the barber; but we shall want fruit, and sauce for the meat. That I ordered likewise; but then he gave over shaving, to look over every thing, one after another; and this survey lasted almost half an hour. I raged and stormed like a madman, but it signified nothing; the wretch made not the more haste. However, he took up his razor again, and shaved me for some minutes; then stopping all on a sudden, I could not have believed, sir, that you would have been so liberal; I begin to perceive that your deceased father lives again in you. Most certainly, I do not deserve the favours with which you have loaded me; and I assure you I shall have them in perpetual remembrance; for, sir, to let you know it, I have nothing but what comes from the generosity of such gentleman as you: in which respect, I am like to Zantout, who rubs the people in the baths; to Sali, who cries boiled peas in the streets; to Salout, who sells beans; to Akerscha, who sells greens; to Aboumecarez, who sprinkles the streets to lay the dust; and to Cassem, the caliph’s life-guard man. Of all these persons, not one is apt to be melancholy; they are neither impertinent nor quarrelsome; they are more contented with their lot than the caliph in the midst of his court; they are always gay, ready to sing and dance, and have each of them their peculiar song and dance, with which they divert the city of Bagdad; but what I esteem most in them is, that they are no great talkers, no more than your slave, that has now the honour to speak to you. Here, sir, is the song and dance of Zantout, who rubs the people in the baths; mind me, pray, and see if I do not imitate it exactly.