Part 9

The _Louisville Journal_--an impudent, one-horse Kentucky concern, conducted by a walking whisky-bottle--says that one of our correspondents deprived it of its maps and despatches from Sherman's army. The _Journal_ is unable to pay even wages to its correspondents, and relies upon us for the news. Our correspondent purchased the maps and intelligence referred to from one of the starving reporters of the _Journal_, in order to save him from putting an end to his miserable existence, since he could live no longer on the bottle of Bourbon a week with which the _Journal_ supplied him. The Western editors are all whisky-bottles, their reporters are all whisky, and their papers have all the fumes of that beverage without any of its strength. So much for the slanders of the _Louisville Journal_.--(_New York Herald._) From the _Louisville Journal_:--This paragraph is the one to which, without having seen it, we referred yesterday in our notice of W. F. G. Shanks, a war correspondent of the _New York Herald_. That paper says that its correspondent purchased from ours the map and the intelligence referred to; this is the map and the rebel newspapers mentioned by us yesterday. This is all a base and unmitigated falsehood. The map was given to the _Herald's_ correspondent upon a condition which he scandalously violated, and he feloniously broke the seals of the papers and stole their contents for the use of his thieving employers. The employers and the _employé_, instead of throwing a stone at us, ought to be pecking the article in the State prison. It is not supposable that any paper on earth could have aught to gain from a dispute with the _New York Herald_. The editor of that concern is so low down that fifty millstones around his neck, waist, arms, and legs, couldn't sink him lower. Notoriously, he has been oftener kicked and horsewhipped than any other man in the United States. Whoever has had the slightest fancy for horsewhipping or kicking him has done it. The licence to operate on him in either way, or both, couldn't have been more perfect if he had worn the word "to let" in chalk-marks upon his shoulders and coat-tail. When he has waked up each morning, his reflection has been, "Now, is it to be a horsewhipping or a kicking to-day?" and occasionally it has been both, eked out with a smart nose-pulling. In fact, his nose has been so frequently twisted that it is an entirely one-sided affair, and we think that in common fairness "the twister" should be sentenced by a court of justice to "untwist the twist." The editor of the _Herald_ is said to have a great deal of money, but his kicks far exceed his coppers. The only time he was ever known to thank God was when sharp-toed boots and shoes were changed to square-toed. It is said that by long experience he could always tell, when kicked, whether the application was made by boots, shoes, brogans, or slippers; at what particular store the article was bought, what was its cost, what its quality, and whether it was made of the hide of Durhams, short-horned Alderneys, Herefords, or Devons. When cattle were killed, it was a frequent understanding that while the fat was to be tried on the fire the leather was to be tried on the editor of the _Herald_. He is regarded as being undoubtedly the best judge of leather in New York; not that he is a leather-dealer, but that leather-dealers have had so much to do with him. He has come so often in contact with leather that the part of him chiefly concerned has itself become leather; so he not only walks upon leather when he walks, but sits upon leather when he sits. The editor of the _Herald_ has lived a good deal longer than he ought to have done, but it is to be hoped that he can't live always. And if he ever dies, his hide should be tanned to leather--that is, the small portion of it that hasn't already been--his hair used as shoemaker's bristles, and his bones made into shoeing-horns.

A SLASHING ARTICLE.--255.

Editors, like other shrewd men, must live with their eyes and ears open. The following story is told of one who started a paper in a western town. The town was infested by gamblers, whose presence was a source of annoyance to the citizens, who told the editor that if he did not come out against them they would not patronize his paper. He replied that he would give them a "smasher" next day. Sure enough, his next issue contained the promised "smasher;" and on the following morning the redoubtable editor, with scissors in hand, was seated in his sanctum, when in walked a large man, with a horse-whip in his hand, who demanded to know if the editor was in. "No, sir," was the reply, "he has stepped out. Take a seat, and read the papers--he will return in a minute." Down sat the indignant man of cards, crossed his legs with his whip between them, and commenced reading a paper. In the meantime the editor quietly vamoosed downstairs, and at the landing he met another excited man with a cudgel in his hand, who asked if the editor was in? "Yes, sir," was the quick response, "you will find him seated upstairs, reading a newspaper." The latter, on entering the room, with a furious oath, commenced a violent assault upon the former, which was resisted with equal ferocity. The fight was continued till they had both rolled to the foot of the stairs, and had pounded each other to their heart's content.

A NOVEL VERDICT.--256.

A coroner's jury in Boston returned as a verdict, in the case of a woman who died suddenly, that "she died from congestion of the brain, caused by _overtipulation_."

AMERICAN NOTION OF VILLANY.--257.

The man that will take a newspaper for a length of time and then send it back "refused" and unpaid for, would swallow a blind dog's dinner, and then stone the dog for being blind.

CONFESSION OF A CLERGYMAN.--258.

A clergyman was lately depicting before a deeply-interested audience the alarming increase of intemperance, when he astonished his hearers by exclaiming: "A young woman in my neighbourhood died very suddenly last Sabbath, while I was preaching the gospel in a state of beastly intoxication!"

PERSONAL.--259.

A contemporary having published a long leader on "hogs," a rival paper in the same village upbraids him for obtruding his family matters upon the public.

AWKWARD COINCIDENCE.--260.

An American divine preached one Sunday morning from the text--"Ye are the children of the devil," and in the afternoon, by a funny coincidence, from the words, "Children, obey your parents."

HOW TO GET A SEAT BY THE FIRE.--261.

A traveller came into a country hotel in Wisconsin upon a very cold day, and could get no room near the fire, whereupon he called to the ostler to fetch a peck of oysters, and give them to his horse. "Will your horse eat oysters?" replied the ostler. "Try him," said the gentleman. The loafing guests running immediately to see this wonder, the fireside was cleared, and the gentleman had his choice of seats. The ostler brought back the oysters, and said the horse would not touch them. "Won't he?" said the stranger. "Why, then, bring them here; I shall be forced to eat them myself."

RIVALLING NATURE.--262.

Cotton being scarce, a Yankee "patriot" has invented, and is selling like hot dumplings, india-rubber breastworks for ladies, as his advertisement says:--"Rivalling nature in grace, shape, and elasticity!"

THE SUBLIME AND RIDICULOUS.--263.

"Woman is most beautiful when in tears, like a rose wet with the crystal dew."--_Mobile Examiner._ "We suppose the editor of the _Examiner_ whips his wife every Sunday to make her look beautiful."--_Baltimore Sun._

A SENSIBLE WOMAN.--264.

A lady that would please herself in marrying was warned that her intended, although a good sort of a man, was very singular. "Well," replied the lady, "if he is very much unlike other men, he is much more likely to be a good husband."

ANOTHER DISCOVERY.--265.

The other day a crowd was assembled around a drunken man lying at full length in the street. They resorted to every known means to arouse him; they rubbed his ears, then his hands, and shook him violently, but all to no avail, for John Whisky had got too strong a hold on him. Presently, a boy came along who was selling brewers' yeast, which he carried in a pail. "What's the matter?" queried the hopeful; "can't you get him up? Well, I can. If this yeast won't raise him, he's a goner, for it'll raise anything that ever grew." Accordingly, he poured about half a pint down the man's neck, and, sure enough, to the surprise of all, it raised him instantly, and he went on his way, growing taller every minute.

UNNECESSARY APPREHENSION.--266.

A fellow, who was being led to execution, told the officers not to take him through a certain street, lest a merchant who resided there should arrest him for an old debt.

EITHER WAY WILL DO.--267.

"Will you have me, Sarah?" said a young man to a modest girl. "No, John," said she, "but you may have me, if you will."

A MOOTED QUESTION.--268.

It is a mooted question whether St. Paul was ever married. Eusebius says he was a widower, which would usually imply that he had been. We opine that he was, from the hearty manner in which he discouraged the institution.

PARTING FRIENDS.--269.

A clergyman travelling in California encountered a panther, of which he subsequently wrote as follows: "I looked at him long enough to note his brown and glossy coat, his big, glaring eyes, his broad and well-developed muzzle, and his capacious jaws, when both of us left the spot, and, I am pleased to add, in opposite directions."

HOW TO DO BUSINESS.--270.

It is told of a well-known American map-agent out here, that on a recent trip in the interior of the island, he was attacked by highway robbers, who demanded his money. Being more prudent than to carry money into the country, they failed in making a haul. "But," said our Yankee, "I have some splendid maps of the island along with me, which I should like to show you;" and in a twinkling he was off his horse, and a map stuck up on a pole, and explained it so effectually that he sold each of the banditti a map, pocketed the money, and resumed his journey, better off for the encounter.

EXEMPT, DECIDEDLY.--271.

"Ugh! How do you make out that you are exempt, eh?" "I am over age, I am a negro, a minister, a cripple, a British subject, and a habitual drunkard."

A LONE NIGGER.--272.

During the last winter a "contraband" came into the Federal lines in North Carolina, and was marched up to the officer of the day to give an account of himself, whereupon the following colloquy ensued: "What's your name?" "My name's Sam." "Sam what?" "No, sah; not Sam Watt. I'se jist Sam." "What's your other name?" "I hasn't got no oder name, sah. I'se Sam--dat's all." "What's your master's name?" "I'se got no massa now. Massa runned away--yah, yah! I'se free nigger now." "Well, what's your father and mother's name?" "I'se got none, sah--neber had none. I'se jist Sam--ain't nobody else." "Haven't you any brothers and sisters?" "No, sah; neber had none. No brudder, no sister, no fader, no mudder, no massa--nothin' but Sam. When you see Sam you see all dere is of us."

A LIBELLOUS ASSERTION.--273.

Ask a woman to a tea-party in the Garden of Eden, and she'd be sure to draw up her eyelids and scream: "I can't go without a new gown."

WESTERN NEIGHBOURS.--274.

"Where is your house?" asked a traveller in the depths of one of the "old solemn wildernesses" of the great West. "House! I ain't got no house." "Well, where do you live?" "I live in the woods, sleep on the great Government purchase, eat raw bear and wild turkey, and drink out of the Mississippi!" And he added--"It's getting too thick with the folks out here. You're the second man I've seen within the last month, and I hear there's a whole family come in about fifty miles down the river. I'm going to put out into the woods again."

SNUBBING A LAWYER.--275.

Old Mrs. Lawson was called as a witness. She was sharp and wide awake. At last the cross-examining lawyer, out of all patience, exclaimed, "Mrs. Lawson, you have brass enough in your face to make a twelve quart pail." "Yes," she replied, "and you've got sass enough in your head to fill it."

GETTING DOWN A LADDER.--276.

"Mass Tom! Oh, Mass Tom! howse I goin ter get down dis ladder?" "Come down the same way you went up, you blockhead!" replied the master, running out to see what was the matter. "De same way as I come up, Mass Tom?" "Yes, confound you, and don't bother me any more!" "Well, if I must, I must!"--and down came the little darkey head foremost.

IRISH NEGRO.--277.

A negro from Montzerat, or Marigalante, where the Hiberno-Celtic is spoken by all classes, happened to be on the wharf at Philadelphia when a number of Irish emigrants were landed; and seeing one of them with a wife and four children, he stepped forward to assist the family on shore. The Irishman, in his native tongue, expressed his surprise at the civility of the negro; who, understanding what had been said, replied in Irish, that he need not be astonished, for that he was a _bit of an Irishman himself_. The Irishman, surprised to hear a black man speak in his _Milesian_ dialect, it entered his mind with the usual rapidity of Irish fancy, that he really was an Irishman, but that the climate had changed his fair complexion. "_If I may be so bold, sir_," said he, "_may I ask how long you have been in this country_?" The negro man, who had only come hither on a voyage, said he had been in Philadelphia only about four months. Poor Patrick turned round to his wife and children, and looking as if for the last time on their rosy cheeks, concluding that in four months they must also change their complexion, exclaimed, "O merciful powers! Biddy, did you hear that? He is not more than four months in this country, and he is already almost as black as jet."

INTERESTING EXPERIMENT.--278.

The muscles of the human jaw produce a power equal to one hundred and twenty-five pounds. If you ever had your fingers in an angry man's mouth, you will not dispute the veracity of this assertion.

SAYINGS OF JOSH BILLINGS.--279.

I suppose the reason whi wimmin are so fast talkers, iz bekauze tha don't hav tew stop tew spit on their hands. After Joseph's brotheren had beat him out ov hiz cut ov many cullars, what did tha dew nex? Tha pittied him! Thare iz nothing in this life that will open the pores ov a man so mutch, as tew fall in luv; it makes him as fluent az a tin whissell, az limber az a boy's watch chain, and az perlite as a dansing-master; hiz harte iz az full ov sunshine az a hay-field, and there aint any more guile in him than there iz in a stik ov merlasses candy. Thare iz a grate number ov ways for folks tew make phools of themselfs, but thare iz one way so simple, i wonder nobody haz ever tried it, and that iz tew run after real-estate advertizements. Thare don't seem tew be enny end tew the ambishun ov men, but thare iz one thing that sum ov them will find out if tha ever dew git tew Heaven, and that iz tha can't git enny further. He who can hold awl he gits, kan most generally get more, I serpoze if a commisshun should cum from Heaven tew gather up awl the intrinsick literature among men, a common-sized angel kould fly off with the whole ov it under one wing and not lug him mutch. Yu kant alwus tell a gentleman by hiz clothes, but yu kan bi hiz finger nails. Adam invented "_luv at first sight_," one of the greatest laber-saving machines the world ever saw. It iz a grave question, whether, in curtailing superfluitys in these hard times, we have a moral right tew cut oph a dorg's tale tew save the expense ov boarding it. I hav herd a grate deal ced about "_broken hartes_," and thare may be a few of them, but mi experiense iz that nex tew the gizzard, the harte iz the tuffest peace ov meat in the whole critter.

TWO THINGS MADE TO BE LOST.--280.

A country editor comes to the conclusion that there are two things that were made to be lost--sinners and umbrellas.

REASONS ENOUGH.--281.

An editor complained that he could not sleep one night, summing up the causes:--A wailing baby, sixteen months old; a howling dog under the window; a cat-fight in the alley; a nigger serenade in a shanty over the way; a toothache; and a pig trying to get in at the back-door.

LOW-NECKED FROCKS.--282.

The Rev. Mr. Sniffkins has recorded in his diary that three conspicuous low-necked frocks in a congregation will neutralize the effect of the best discourse that ever was preached.

EMERSON AND THEODORE PARKER.--283.

There is an allegorical story current that once, immediately after Theodore Parker had parted from Ralph Waldo Emerson on the road to Boston, a crazy Millerite encountered Parker, and cried: "Sir, do you not know that the world is coming to an end?" Upon which Parker replied: "My good man, that doesn't concern me; I live in Boston." The same fanatic, overtaking Emerson, announced in the same terms the approach of the end of the world, upon which Emerson replied: "I am glad of it, sir; man will get along much better without it!"

HOW TO GO MAD.--284.

Be an editor; let the devil be waiting for copy; sit down to write an article, and get a few sentences done; then let an acquaintance drop in and begin to tell you stories and gossips of the town; let him sit, and sit, and sit. This is the quickest way we can think of to go raving, distracted mad.

A WISE JUDGE.--285.

A Massachusetts judge has decided that a husband may open his wife's letters, on the ground (so often and so tersely stated by Mr. Theophilus Parsons, of Cambridge) that "the husband and the wife are one, and the husband is that one!"

SPARING HIS FEELINGS.--286.

The editor of the _Louisville Journal_, in speaking of an assailant who had vehemently denied a charge of having been drunk on a certain occasion, says "that he cannot positively state that the gentleman in question was drunk, but that he does know that he was seen in the street at midnight, with his hat off, explaining the principles and theory of true politeness to the toes of his boots!"

OF COURSE NOT.--287.

The _Grand Rapids Eagle_ man says he wouldn't mind the price of wood so much, if all his neighbours hadn't taken to the disgusting habit of locking their wood-house doors at night.

A FEMALE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON.--288.

Mrs. Ripley, of Concord, Mass., is well known to the naturalists on account of her valuable collection of lichens, and to the Cambridge professors on account of her success in training young men for the university. It is said that a learned gentleman once called to see this lady, and found her hearing at once the lesson of one student in Sophocles, and that of another in Differential Calculus, at the same time rocking her grandchild's cradle with one foot, and shelling peas for dinner.

A FLOATING POPULATION.--289.

"You have considerable floating population in this village, havn't you?" asked a stranger of one of the citizens of a village on the Mississippi. "Well, yes, rather," was the reply; "about half the year the water is up to the second storey windows."

DEMOCRATS _versus_ REPUBLICANS.--290.

A prominent speaker at a Republican gathering in Ohio, said that "he expected to spend an eternity in company with Republicans," to which a Democrat replied that he "rather thought he would, _unless he repented of his sins_."

A POOR COUPLE.--291.

A couple announce in the _New York Post_ their marriage, and add to the notice--"No cards, nor any money to get them with."

AN INDUCEMENT TO YOUNG PEOPLE.--292.

A minister out West, advertised, in the hope of making young people come forward, that he would marry them for a glass of whisky, a dozen eggs, the first kiss of the bride, and a quarter of a pig.

AN EDITORIAL HORSE.--293.

An editor in the far West has bought a racehorse for which he paid 2000 dollars. On being asked what an editor had to do with a racehorse, he replied that "he was to be used in catching runaway subscribers."

HIGHLY PROBABLE.--294.

An American editor acknowledges the receipt of a bottle of brandy 48 years old, and says "this brandy is so old that we very much fear it cannot live much longer."

NOVEL EFFECT OF A SECOND MARRIAGE.--295.

One of the substitute soldiers who was presented for examination at Captain Hamlin's office recently was a man who gave his name as (we will say) Michael Flynn. When he was stripped, upon his arm was clearly tattooed the name of John Sullivan. "But, I thought, you said your name was Michael Flynn?" said the doctor. "Yes," stammered the Hibernian sub, "but I have been married twice." Michael passed.

STRIKING DEFINITION OF A COQUETTE.--296.

A Western genius defines a coquette as a box of snuff, from which every lover takes a pinch. Her husband, fortunate or unfortunate wretch, as he may think himself, gets the box--on the ear.

QUALIFICATIONS FOR A PARSON.--297.

It is related of a certain church in New York, whose deacons and principal men are of the conservative order, that when recently in want of a pastor, they made application to a divine noted for his talents and brilliancy of oratory to become their settled minister. While negotiating the "call" they signified to the divine that they did not want a man to preach politics or temperance. "What kind of a preacher do you want?" inquired the minister. To which they replied that they desired a pastor who was "_rather religiously inclined_." This reminds us of a popular preacher we used to know down East, one of whose prominent parishioners considered him the perfection of a preacher, because "he never meddles with either politics or religion!"

EXTRAORDINARY ABSENCE OF MIND.--298.

The most recent case of absence of mind is that of an editor, who lately copied from a hostile paper one of his own articles, and headed it, "Wretched attempt at wit."

A JOKE BY JENKINS.--299.

"A beautiful day, Mr. Jenkins?" "Yes, very pleasant, indeed." "Good day for the race." "Race, what race?" "The human race." "Oh, go along with your stupid jokes; get up a good one, like the one with which I sold Day." "Day, what Day?" "The day we celebrate," said Jenkins, who went on his way rejoicing.

"AND THAT'S A FACT."--300.

A paper notorious for its veracity says "that a man in New Hampshire went out gunning one day this spring; he saw a flock of pigeons sitting on a branch of an old pine, so he dropped a ball into his gun and fired. The ball split the branch, which closed up, and caught the toes of all the birds in it. He saw that he had got them all, and so he fastened two balls together and fired, cut the branch off, which fell into the river. He then waded in and brought it on shore. On counting them there were 300 pigeons, and in his boots were two barrels of shad."

A QUESTION FOR ASTRONOMERS.--301.