Part 8

One of the late Governors of South Carolina was a splendid lawyer, and could talk a jury out of their seven senses. He was especially noted for success in criminal cases, almost always clearing his client. He was once counsel for a man accused of horse-stealing. He made a long, eloquent, and touching speech. The jury retired, but returned in a few moments, and proclaimed the man not guilty. An old acquaintance stepped up to the prisoner, and said: "Jem, the danger is passed; and now, honour bright, didn't you steal that horse?" To which Jem replied: "Well, Tom, I've all along thought I took the horse; but since I've heard the Governor's speech, I don't believe I did."

HOTEL ACCOMMODATION IN THE SOUTH.--219.

There was a traveller once, down South--say in the State of Georgia--who, halting for the night at an inn, where he was told that, as there were many guests, he must put up with a shakedown, was conducted after supper to an outhouse full of cows and pigs. "Where am I to sleep?" cried the despairing wayfarer. "Spect 'yiccan please yisself, mas'r," answered with a grin the negro who acted as chamberlain; "but," he continued, pointing to a corner of the lair, where there were only two cows and no pigs, "dat's de mose fashionable part."

A PLUMP QUESTION.--220.

The late gallant General Sumner, about twenty years ago, was captain of a company of cavalry, and commanded Fort Atkinson, in Iowa. One of his men, Billy G----, had received an excellent education, was of a good family, but an unfortunate habit of mixing too much water with his whisky had so reduced him in circumstances that out of desperation he enlisted. Captain Sumner soon discovered his qualifications, and as he was a good accountant and excellent penman, he made him his confidential clerk. At times the old habit would overcome Billy's good resolutions, and a spree would be the result. Captain Sumner, though a rigid disciplinarian, disliked to punish him severely, and privately gave him much good advice (after a good sobering in the guard-house), receiving in return many thanks and promises of amendment; but his sprees became more and more frequent. One day, after Billy had been on a bender, the captain determined on giving him a severe reprimand, and ordered Billy into his presence before he was fully sober. Billy came with his eyes all blood-shot and head hanging down, when the captain accosted him with: "So, sir, you have been drunk again, and I have to say that this conduct must cease. You are a man of good family, good education, ordinarily a good soldier, neat, cleanly, and genteel in appearance, of good address, and a valuable man; yet you will get drunk. Now I shall tell you, once for all that----" Here Billy's eyes sparkled, and he interrupted his superior with: "Beg pardon, captain, did you say that--hic--I was a man of good birth and education?" "Yes, I did." "And that I was a good soldier?" "Certainly." "That usually I--I--am neat and genteel?" "Yes, Billy." "And that I am a valuable man?" "Yes; but you will get drunk." Billy drew himself up with great dignity, and throwing himself on his reserved rights, indignantly exclaimed: "Well now, Captain Sumner, do you really think Uncle Sam expects--to--to--to get all the _cardinal virtues for twelve dollars a month_?"

THE CORDS OF HYMEN.--221.

A poetical feminine, who found the cords of Hymen not so silky as she expected, gives vent to feelings in the following regretful stanzas. The penultimate line is peculiarly comprehensive and expansive:--

"When I was young I used to earn My living without trouble; Had clothes and pocket-money too, And hours of pleasure double.

"I never dream'd of such a fate, When I A-LASS was courted--

Wife, mother, nurse, seamstress, cook, housekeeper, chambermaid, laundress, dairy-woman, and scrub generally, doing the work of six,

For the sake of being supported."

CURE FOR FAINTING.--222.

A New York man, who had not been out of the city for years, fainted away in the pure air of the country. He was only resuscitated by putting a dead fish to his nose, when he slowly revived, exclaiming, "That's good--it smells like home!"

A CHEAP TREAT.--223.

A hard-shell preacher, in discoursing about Daniel in the lion's den, said: "And there he sat all night long, looking at the show for nothing, and it didn't cost him a cent."

JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE.--224.

I kum to the conclusion lately that life was so onsartin, that the only way for me to stand a fair chance with other folks was to get my life insured, and so I called on the agent of the Garden Angel Life Insurance Company, and answered the following questions, which were put to me over the top of a pair of specks by a slick little fat old feller, with a round gray head on him as any man ever owned:--1. Are you mail or femail? if so, state how long you have been so. 2. Had you a father or mother? if so, which? 3. Are you subject to fits? and if so, du yu have more than one at a time? 4. What iz your precise fiting wate? 5. Did you ever have any ancestors? and if so, how much? 6. What is your legal opinion of the constitushunality of the ten commandments? 7. Du yu have any night-mare? 8. Are yu married or single, or are yu a bachelor? 9. Du yu believe in a future stait? if yu du, stait it. 10. What are your private sentiments about a rush of rats to the hed? can it be did successfully? 11. Hav yu ever committed suicide? and if so, how did it affect yu? After answering the above questions, like a man in a confirmatiff, the slick little fat old feller with gold specks on sed I was insured for life, and probably would remain so for some years. I thanked him, and smiled one ov my most pensive smiles.

SHORT AND EXPRESSIVE.--225.

Some years since there was a great gathering of people at Augusta, Maine, to take into consideration the subject of building a dam across the Kennebec River at that point. The meeting was followed by a dinner at the Mansion House, and the Liquor Law being a thing not yet thought of, the bottle circulated freely, and many of the guests were getting "jolly mellow," when Frank ----, a wag of an editor, was called on for a toast. Frank immediately staggered to his feet, and grasping the back of his chair with one hand, and holding aloft with the other a tumbler of "Old Jamaica," responded somewhat emphatically: "Gentlemen, d--n the Kennebec!--and improve its navigation," and sat down amid a roar of applause. The dam was built.

DOW, JUNIOR.--226.

It was Dow, jun.--sacred to his memory--who said that "Life is a country dance: down outside and back; tread on the corns of your neighbour; poke your nose everywhere; all hands around; right and left. Bob your cocoanut--the figure is ended. Time hangs up the fiddle, and death puts out the lights."

A PROMPT REPLY.--227.

A little boy, some six years old, was using his slate and pencil on the Sabbath, when his father, who was a clergyman, entered, and said: "My son, I prefer that you should not use your slate on the Lord's Day." "I'm making meeting-houses, father," was the prompt reply.

INTERRUPTING THE SERMON.--228.

An amusing incident says the _Selinsgrove_ (Pa.) _Post_, occurred in one of our churches on Sunday, which caused considerable tittering throughout the congregation. While the minister was in the midst of his sermon, a little boy about ten years of age quietly left his seat, took his hat, walked up to the pulpit and asked permission of the minister to leave the church, saying that he forgot to feed the pig. The request was granted and the boy left; but returned in a few minutes, no doubt greatly relieved. It embarrassed the minister for some minutes afterwards.

HOW SAM WAS CAUGHT.--229.

An old lady who was making some jam was called upon by a neighbour. "Sam, you rascal," she said, "you'll be eating my jam when I'm away." Sam protested he'd die first; but the whites of his eyes rolled hungrily towards the bubbling crimson. "See here, Sam," said the old lady, taking up a piece of chalk, "I'll chak your lips, and on my return I'll know if you've eaten any." So saying, she passed her forefinger over the thick lip of the darkey, holding the chalk in the palm of her hand, and not letting it touch him. When she came back, she did not need to ask any question, for Sam's lips were chalked a quarter of an inch thick.

FANCY HER FEELINGS.--230.

Not far from Central New Jersey lived two young lawyers, Archy Brown and Thomas Jones. Both were fond of dropping into Mr. Smith's parlour and spending an hour or two with his only daughter, Mary. One evening, when Brown and Mary had discussed almost every topic, Brown suddenly, in his sweetest tones, struck out as follows:--"Do you think, Mary, you could leave father and mother, this pleasant home, with all its ease and comforts, and go to the far West with a young lawyer, who had but little besides his profession to depend upon, and with him search out a new home, which it should be your joint duty to beautify, and make delightful and happy like this?" Dropping her head softly on his shoulders, she whispered, "I think I could, Archy." "Well," said he, "there's Tom Jones, who's going West, and wants to get a wife; I'll mention it to him."

ABSENCE OF MIND.--231.

The _Lowell Journal_ gives an account of a rich scene that occurred in one of the Lowell hotels recently. A lodger, who had been on a spree the previous evening, arose in the morning and rang the bell violently. Boots appeared. "Where are my pants? I locked my door last night, and somebody has stolen them?" Boots was green, and a little terrified. He left, however, struck with a sudden thought, and returned with the identical pants. The landlord was called to receive complaints against Boots; but he made it evident that the man had put out his pantaloons to be blacked instead of his boots. The lodger left in the first train.

KEEN AND SIGNIFICANT.--232.

When the editor of the _Bulletin_ said, "We are under conviction that," &c., the editor of the _Sunday Mercury_ retorted: "This is not the first time that the editor of the _Bulletin_ has been _under conviction_!"

A LEGAL TOAST.--233.

At a recent railroad dinner, in compliment to the legal fraternity, the toast was given:--"An honest lawyer, the noblest work of God;" but an old farmer in the back part of the hall rather spoiled the effect by adding, in a loud voice, "And about the scarcest."

RATHER 'CUTE.--234.

A Western editor was recently requested to send his paper to a distant patron, provided he would take his pay in "trade." At the end of the year he found that his new subscriber was a coffin maker.

NOVEL HINT FROM THE PULPIT.--235.

The _Seneca Advertiser_ tells the following:--The pastor of a certain church not a thousand miles from this place a few Sabbaths ago, when about to baptize a child, reproved the flock in the following fashion:--"My dear people, I fear that you are neglecting parental duties, as this is only the second child presented for baptism during my pastoral connection with this church." (Sensation among the crinoline.)

TIRED OF HIS BOARDING-HOUSE.--236.

A prisoner of war advertises from Johnson's Island, in a New York journal, for a substitute to take his place in the military prison there:--"Wanted.--A substitute to stay here in my place. He must be 30 years old; have a good moral character; A 1 digestive powers, and not addicted to writing poetry. To such a one all the advantages of a strict retirement, army rations, and unmitigated watchfulness to prevent them from getting lost, are offered for an indefinite period. Address me at Block 1, Room 12, Johnson's Island Military Prison, at any time for the next three years, enclosing half a dozen postage stamps.--ASA HARTZ."

THE AMERICAN PLATFORMS.--237.

The _Croydon Democrat_ publishes the following platform arranged to suit all parties. The first column is the Secession platform, the second is the Abolition platform; and the whole read together is the Democratic platform. The platform is like the Union--as a whole it is Democratic, but divided, one half is Secession, and the other Abolition:--

Hurrah for The old Union Secession Is a curse We fight for The constitution The Confederacy Is a league with hell We love Free speech The rebellion Is treason We glory in A free press Separation Will not be tolerated We fight not for The negroes' freedom Reconstruction Must be obtained We must succeed At every hazard The Union We love We love not The negro We never said Let the Union slide We want The Union as it was Foreign intervention Is played out We cherish The old flag The stars and bars Is a flaunting lie We venerate The _habeas corpus_ Southern chivalry Is hateful Death to Jeff. Davis Abe Lincoln Isn't the Government Down with Mob law Law and order Shall triumph.

ALL HUMAN.--238.

A Vermont farmer sent to an orphan asylum for a boy that was smart, active, tractable, prompt, and industrious, clean, pious, intelligent, good looking, reserved, and modest. The superintendent replied that their boys were all human, though they were orphans, and referred him to the New Jerusalem if he wanted to get the order filled.

CONDITIONAL FORGIVENESS.--239.

A negro about dying, was told by his minister that he must forgive a certain darkey against whom he seemed to entertain very bitter feelings. "Yes sah," he replied, "if I dies I forgive dat nigga; but if I gets well, dat nigga must take care."

ILLEGIBLE MANUSCRIPTS.--240.

What guessers printers must be! A New York editor, in descanting upon the guess-at-half-of-it style of writing in which many articles are sent to be printed, gives the following amusing specimen. A piece of poetry before him, written in what, at a reasonable glance, seemed to be intelligible, when examined a little closer appeared to present the following:--

Alone toss'd rolls a tear by Moses, A many things we mourn by day; Tom and the shouting Indian chorus, And seethe their lambs at play.

Knowing, however, that his correspondent was not a fool, he more carefully examined it, and he guesses that the following version is nearer the author's intentions:--

I love to stroll at early morn Among the new-mown hay, To mark the sprouting Indian corn, And see the lambs at play.

A CLOSE WITNESS.--241.

During a recent trial at Auburn, the following occurred to vary the monotony of the proceedings:--Among the witnesses was one as verdant a specimen of humanity as one would wish to meet with. After a severe cross-examination the counsel for the Government paused, and then putting on a look of severity and ominous shake of the head, exclaimed, "Mr. Witness, has not an effort been made to induce you to tell a different story?" "A different story from what I have told, sir?" "That is what I mean." "Yes, sir; several persons have tried to get me to tell a different story from what I have told, but they couldn't." "Now, sir, upon your oath, I wish to know who these persons are." "Wall, I guess you've tried 'bout as hard as any of them." The witness was dismissed, while judge, jury, and spectators indulged in a hearty laugh.

A SATISFACTORY REASON.--242.

A few days ago an Englishman came into a grocery to make a few purchases, but was not suited with prices, so he broke out with, "What a bloody country! I could get more for twopence at home than I can 'ere for 'arf a crown." "Why the devil didn't you stay at 'ome?" said the angry groceryman. "I'll tell you," replied John Bull; "I couldn't get the twopence."

THE OLD KING'S ARM.--243.

The old king's arm had a barrel as long as a rail, requiring some little time for a musket-ball to get out of it. A sportsman, in speaking of its peculiarities, said: "I once aimed at a robin, snapped the lock four times, then looked into the muzzle, saw the charge coming out, raised the gun again, took aim, and killed the bird."

REASONS FOR NOT JOINING THE CHURCH.--244.

Two lawyers in Lowell were returning from court, when the one said to the other: "I've a notion to join Rev. Mr. ----'s church; been debating the matter for some time. What do you think of it?" "Wouldn't do it," said the other. "Well, why?" "Because it could do you no possible good, while it would be a great injury to the church."

IRISH EXHORTATION.--245.

An Irishman in Pittsburgh, who was exhorting the people against profane swearing, said he was grieved to see what he had seen in that town. "My friends," said he, "such is the profligacy of the people around here that even little children, who can neither walk nor talk, may be seen runing about the streets cursing and swearing!"

IN LOVE WITH THE DEVIL.--246.

A Country exchange says:--As our "Devil" was going home with his sweetheart, a few evening since, she said to him, "Dick, I fear I shall never get to Heaven." "Why?" asked the knight of the ink-keg. "Because," said she, with a melting look, "I love the _Devil_ so well!"

HOW MR. LINCOLN SHAKES HANDS.--247.

The correspondent of the _New York World_, in an account of Mr. Lincoln's late visit to Philadelphia, writes:--"Mr. Lincoln passed some time in shaking hands. This salutation is with him a peculiarity. It is not the pump-handle 'shake,' nor a twist, nor a spasmodic motion from side to side, nor yet a reach towards the knee and a squeeze at arm's length. When Mr. Lincoln performs this rite, it becomes a solemnity. A ghastly smile overspreads his peculiar countenance; then, after an instant's pause, he suddenly thrusts his 'flapper' at you, as a sword is thrust in tierce; you feel your hand enveloped as in a fleshy vice, a cold clamminess overspreads your unfortunate digits, a corkscrew burrows its way from your finger nails to your shoulder, the smile disappears, and you know that you are unshackled. You carefully count your fingers to see that none of them are missing, or that they have not become assimilated in a common mass."

HARD SCRABBLE.--248.

A farmer who lives on a certain hill, called "Hard Scrabble," in Central New York, says that last summer, owing to the drought and poor land together, the grass was so short they had to lather it before they could mow it!

I WOULD IF I COULD.--249.

A young lady was told by a married lady that she had better precipitate herself off the Niagara Falls into the basin beneath than marry. The young lady replied, "I would, if I thought I could find a husband at the bottom."

A SOLEMN HOUR.--250.

An old "revolutioner" says of all the solemn hours he ever saw, that occupied in going home one dark night from the Widow Bean's, after being told by her daughter Sally that he "needn't come again," was the most solemn.

PROVERBS.--PRESERVED BY JOSHUA BILLINGS, ESQ.--251.

Don't swop with your relashuns unless you kin afford to give them the big end of the trade. Marry young, and, if circumstances require it, often. If you can't git good cloathes and edication too, git the cloathes. Say how are you to everybody. Kultivate modesty, but mind and keep a good stock of impudence on hand. Bee charitable--three cent. pieces were made on purpose. It costs more to borry than it does to buy. Ef a man flatters yu, yu can kalkerlate he is a roge, or you are a fule. Keep both ize open, but don't see morn harlf you notis. If you ich for fame, go into a grave-yard and scratch yourself agin a tume stone. Young man, be more anxus about the pedigre yur going to leave than you are about the wun somebody's going to leave you. Sin is like weeds--self-sone and sure to cum. Two lovers, like two armies, generally git along quietly until they are engaged.

BRIGHAM YOUNG'S WIVES.--252.

Artemus Ward writes that he is tired of answering the questions as to how many wives Brigham Young has. He says that all he knows about it is that he one day used up the multiplication table in counting the long stockings on a clothes-line in Brigham's back yard, and went off feeling dizzy.

THE OTHER SIDE.--253.

One story is good until another is told, and the advice to "have both sides" is old, but always good. The annoyance caused by ladies in street-cars has been so frequently dwelt on that it has come to be accepted as a matter of course that the wearers of crinoline are sinners above all among the occupants of street-cars. But read the following indictment drawn up against the male persuasion of street-car society, and see if the account is not about balanced. What "female nuisance" can surpass, for instance, the man who crosses his legs, or puts his foot upon his knee, allowing a dirty boot to wipe itself on good clothes passing him; the man who gets in chewing the stump of a cigar, and declines to throw it away because he is not smoking, and consequently stenches the whole conveyance; the man who sits sideways when the seat is crowded; the man who fidgets in a crowded seat; the man who, in getting out, lifts his feet so high as to wipe the knees of every passer-by; the man who enters with a paint pot; the ever-talkative man, who insists on drawing you into conversation, and boring you with his ideas political; the man who is deep in his cups; the ill-natured, ugly-looking man, who frightens all children in arms; the over-dressed man, who is afraid of being mussed; the rowdy man, who is spoiling for a fight; the fat man, who occupies too much room; the lean man, who cuts you with his sharp hones; the pretty man, who smirks so disgustingly; the man who wants to pick your pocket; the friendly man, who requests a loan; the man with a writ; the man that smells of garlic; the man that perfumes with musk; the vanity man, who displays all the money he has while searching for a five-cent. postal; the lazy man, who never hurries to get on or off; the unaccommodating man, who refuses to have his basket placed on the front platform; the man who treads on your newly-blacked boots; the man who asks for a chew of tobacco; the profane man; the subscription man; the insane man, on his way to the insane asylum; the man who asks you the time of day when you are _minus_ a watch; and the man who wants to be over-polite to your wife.

EDITORS EXCHANGING COMPLIMENTS.--254.