Part 5

When Nicholas Biddle, familiarly called Nick Biddle, was connected with the United States Bank, there was an old negro named Harry, who used to be loafing about the premises. One day, in a social mood, Biddle said to the darkey, "Well, what is your name, my old friend?" "Harry, sir--ole Harry," said the other, touching his seedy hat. "Old Harry," said Biddle; "why, that is the name they give to the devil, is it not?" "Yes, sir," said the coloured gentleman; "sometimes ole Harry and sometimes ole Nick."

WESTERN OBITUARY NOTICE.--120.

Mister Edatur,--Jem bangs, we are sorry to stait, has desized. He departed this Life last mundy. Jem was generally considered a gud feller. He died at the age of 23 years old. He went 4th without any struggle; and sich is Life. Tu Day we are as pepper grass, mighty smart, to-Murrer we are cut down like a cowcumber of the ground. Jem kept a nice stoar, which his wife now waits on. His virchews was numerous to behold. Many is the things we bot at his grocerry, and we are happy to stait to the admirin world that he never cheeted, especially in the wate of markrel, which was nice and sweet, and his surviving wife is the same wa. We never knew him to put sand in his sugar, tho he had a big sand bar in front of his hous; nor water in his Lickuris, tho the Ohio River runs past his dore. Pece to his remaines. He leves a wife, 8 children, a cow, 4 horses, a grocerry stoar, and quadrupets, to mourn his loss; but, in the spalendid language of the poit, his loss is there eternal gane.

PUTTING FORWARD HIS CREED.--121.

The gentleman who edits the _Kentucky Rifle_, having been taken to task by a lady correspondent as to what constituted his particular faith, thus puts forward his creed:--"We believe that Mrs. Zebedee was a nice woman and that Mr. Zebedee was the father of his own children. We believe that guano and lime mixed together will make splendid hartshorn. It is our opinion that a donkey's kick and editing a newspaper are two of the hardest things in creation. We believe that getting 'tight' loosens the morals, but we shall always contend that it is cheaper in the long run to try the experiment with good whisky than with a mean article. We believe that a man who can be kept awake six nights in the week with jumping toothache, and be 'roused' by a squalling baby just as he has fallen into a doze on the seventh night, without getting mad or wondering why babies and toothache were invented, is a greater philosopher than Newton, and a greater hero than Leonidas and all his Spartans put together. We believe that a man is not likely to be sick so often if he pays his physician by the year as if he pays him by the visit. We believe that every well-regulated family ought always to have one baby in it, just for the fun of the thing. We believe that the man who invented tallow candles must have been too poor to afford pine-knots. It is our opinion that if a number of gentlemen are sitting together talking sensibly upon some subject, and a lady enters, they will immediately commence talking foolishly and keep it up until she makes her exit. We believe they do so by way of complimentary condescension to female weakness."

NOT SO.--122.

Many proverbs admit of contradiction, as witness the following:--"The more the merrier." Not so--one hand is enough in a purse. "Nothing but what has an end." Not so--a ring has none, for it is round. "Money is a great comfort." Not when it brings a thief to the gallows. "The world is a long journey." Not so--the sun goes over it in a day. "It is a great way to the bottom of the sea." Not so--it is but a stone's cast. "A friend is best found in adversity." Not so--for then there is none to be found. "The pride of the rich makes the labour of the poor." Not so--the labour of the poor makes the pride of the rich.

THE OHIO DEMOCRACY.--123.

The _Cincinnati Commercial_, in a report of a Vallandigham meeting at Carthage, Ohio, sets down what it calls "the barometrical register" of the meeting as follows:--"Nine a.m.--Invitations to drink are freely offered and accepted. Ten a.m.--Sober, but drinking. Eleven a.m.--Noisy and demonstrative; liquor becoming effective. Twelve a.m.--Generally 'tight;' pugnacity rising. One p.m.--Rather drunk; fights freely offered. Two p.m.--Quite drunk; black eyes in abundance--holders not very firm. Three p.m.--Very drunk; hacks and furniture-cars in demand. Four p.m.--D--cidedly drunk; too far gone to fight."

A NICE GIRL.--124.

There is nothing half so sweet in life--half so beautiful, or delightful, or so loveable--as a "nice girl." Not a pretty, or a dashing, or an elegant girl, but a _nice_ girl. One of those lovely, lively, good-tempered, good-hearted, sweet-faced, amiable, neat, happy, domestic creatures met within the sphere of home, diffusing around the domestic hearth the influence of her goodness like the essence of sweet flowers. A nice girl is not the languishing beauty, dawdling on a sofa, and discussing the last novel or opera; or the giraffe-like creature sweeping majestically through a drawing-room. The nice girl may not even dance or play well, and knows nothing about "using her eyes," or coquetting with a fan. She is not given to sensation novels--she is too busy. At the opera, she is not in front showing her bare shoulders, but sits quietly and unobtrusively--at the back of the box most likely. In fact, it is not often in such scenes we discover her. Home is her place. Who rises betimes, and superintends the morning meal? Who makes the toast and the tea, and buttons the boys' shirts, and waters the flowers, and feeds the chickens, and brightens up the parlour and sitting-room? Is it the languisher, or the giraffe, or the _élégante_? Not a bit of it--it's the nice girl. Her unmade toilet is made in the shortest possible time; yet how charmingly it is done, and how elegant her neat dress and plain colour! What kisses she distributes among the family! No presenting a cheek or a brow, like a "fine girl," but an audible smack, which says plainly, "I love you ever so much." If I ever coveted anything, it is one of the nice girl's kisses. Breakfast over, down in the kitchen to see about dinner; always cheerful and light-hearted. She never ceases to be active and useful until the day is done, when she will polka with the boys, and sing old songs, and play old tunes to her father for hours together. She is a perfect treasure, is the "nice girl," when illness comes; it is she that attends with unwearying patience to the sick chamber. There is no risk, no fatigue that she will not undergo, no sacrifice that she will not make. She is all love, all devotion. I have often thought it would be happiness to be ill, to be watched by such loving eyes and tended by such fair hands. One of the most strongly marked characteristics of a "nice girl" is tidiness and simplicity of dress. She is ever associated in my mind with a high frock, plain collar, and the neatest of neck-ribbons, bound with the most modest little brooch in the world. I never knew a "nice girl" who displayed a profusion of rings and bracelets, or who wore low dresses or a splendid bonnet. I say again, there is nothing in the world half so beautiful, half so intrinsically good, as a "nice girl." She is the sweetest flower in the path of life. There are others far more stately, far more gorgeous, but these we merely admire as we go by. It is where the daisy grows that we lie down to rest.

A REASON FOR DEAR CREAM.--125.

The _Boston Post_ says that the reason why cream is so dear is, that milk has risen so high the cream can't reach the top.

ADVICE TO PARENTS.--126.

Rear up your lads like nails, and then they'll not only go through the world, but you may clench 'em on to the other side.

EXTRAORDINARY CROW.--127.

A native of Kentucky imitates the crowing of a cock so remarkably well, that the sun, upon several occasions, has risen two hours earlier by mistake.

LOGS WANTED.--128.

The printer of the _Western Gazette_ lately published the following notice:--"Dry stove wood wanted immediately at this office, in exchange for papers. N.B. Don't bring logs that the _Devil_ can't split."

LOOK ON THIS PICTURE AND ON THIS.--129.

_Matrimony._--Hot buckwheat cake--comfortable slippers--smoking coffee--buttons--redeemed stockings--boot-jacks--happiness. _Bachelorhood._--Sheet-iron quilts--blue noses--frosty rooms--ice in the pitcher--unregenerated linen--heelless stockings--coffee sweetened with icicles--gutta-percha biscuits--flabby steaks--dull razors--corns--coughs and colics--rhubarb--aloes--misery.

ABSENCE OF MIND.--130.

A Mr. Jaber J. Jenkinson, of Arkansas, whose sight is such as to render glasses necessary, put his spectacles on his ear instead of his eyes, one day last week, and actually walked three miles sideways in a heavy rain before he discovered his mistake.

DOMESTIC ECONOMY.--131.

The _Boston Herald_ has the following infallible recipe:--"To make pie: Play at blind man's buff in a printing-office. To have music at dinner: Tell your wife she is not so handsome as the lady who lives over the way. To save butter: Make it so salt that nobody can eat it."

TALL RELATIONS.--132.

The wit deservedly won his bet who, in a company when every one was bragging of his tall relations, wagered that he himself had a brother twelve feet high. He had, he said, "two half-brothers, each measuring six feet."

WE WONDER, TOO.--133.

A little boy once said to his aunt, "Aunty, I should think that Satan must be an awful trouble to God." "He must be troubled enough, indeed, I should think," she answered. "I don't see how he came to turn out so, when there _was no devil to put him up to it_."

INFLAMMABLE AND DANGEROUS.--134.

Judge Beeler put a notice over his factory-gate at Lowell: "No cigars or Irishmen admitted within these walls; for," says he, "the one will set a flame agoin' among my cotton, and t'other among my gals. I won't have no such inflammable and dangerous things about me on no account."

A RARE PRINTER.--135.

A western paper contains the following advertisement:--"Wants a situation, a practical printer, who is competent to take charge of any department in a printing and publishing house. Would accept a professorship in any of the academies. Has no objection to teach ornamental painting and penmanship, geometry, trigonometry, and many other sciences. Is particularly suited to act as pastor to a small Evangelical church, or as a local preacher. He would have no objection to form a small but select class of interesting young ladies, to instruct in the highest branches. To a dentist or chiropodist he would be invaluable, as he can do almost anything. Would board with a family, if decidedly pious."

SOMETHING LIKE A GOOD SHOT.--136.

Two passengers coming down the Mississippi in a steamboat were amusing themselves with shooting birds on the shore from the deck. Some sporting conversation ensued; one remarked that he would turn his back to no man in killing racoons--that he had repeatedly shot fifty a day. "What o' that?" said a Kentuckian; "I make nothing of killing a hundred 'coon a day, or'nary luck." "Do you know Captain Scott, of our State?" asked a Tennessean bystander; "he, now, is something like a shot. A hundred 'coon! why he never points at one without hitting him. He never misses, and the 'coons know it. T'other day he levelled at an old 'un, in a high tree; the varmint looked at him a minute, and then bawled out, 'Hallo, Cap'n Scott, is that you?' 'Yes,' was the reply. 'Well, pray don't shoot, I'll come down to you--I'll give in--I'm dead beat.'"

ABSENCE OF MIND.--137.

A highly respectable inhabitant in the city of New York lately died under very remarkable circumstances. He was subject to fits of extreme absence of mind from childhood; and one night, upon retiring to rest, having carefully tucked his pantaloons under the bed-clothes, he threw himself over the back of a chair, and expired from the severe cold he experienced during the night. The editor of the _New York Herald_, who relates this extraordinary fact, assures his readers, as a guarantee of its truth, that he received his information from the individual in question.

A REMARKABLE MAN.--138.

There is a man in the West who is described as being so remarkably tall that he requires a ladder to shave himself! The same individual never troubles his servant to sit up for him when he is out late at night, for he can, with the most perfect ease, put his arm down the chimney and unbolt the street-door.

SPECTACLES AND BIBLE READING.--139.

The will of Elias Boudinot, of New Jersey, has just been proved. It contains the following clause:--"I give to the president and managers of the New Jersey Bible Society 200 dollars, to be laid out in the purchase of spectacles, to be given by them to the poor old people; it being in vain to give a Bible to those who cannot obtain the means of reading it."

TO THE POINT.--140.

An officer who was inspecting his company one morning spied one private whose shirt was sadly begrimed. "Patrick O'Flynn!" called out the captain. "Here, yer honour!" promptly responded Patrick, with his hand to his cap. "How long do you wear a shirt?" thundered the officer. "Twenty-eight inches," was the rejoinder.

EXTRAORDINARY MOTTO.--141.

The _New York Herald_ has the following for its motto:--"Take no shin-plasters (all damned rogues who issue them), live temperately, drink moderately, eschew temperance societies, take care of the sixpences, never hurt a saint, go to bed at ten, rise at six, never buy on credit, fear God Almighty, love the beautiful girls, vote against Van Buren, and kick all politicians and parsons to the devil."

EXCESSIVE POLITENESS.--142.

A Californian poet gives the following lesson on politeness to the youth of the Golden State:--

"Indeed, my friends, far better it would seem, Were you to choose the opposite extreme; Like one 'Down East' who an umbrella took, And from the rain gave shelter to a duck; Who to a limping dog once lent his arm, And to a setting hen said, 'Don't rise, ma'am;' Nor e'er to lifeless things respect did lack-- Said always to a chair, 'Excuse my back;' 'Excuse my curiosity,' he said to books; And to the looking-glass, 'Excuse my looks.'"

"A SHELL IN DE STOVE."--143.

The _New York Herald's_ Morris Island correspondent relates as follows an incident of the operations at Charleston:--Quite an uproar was occasioned in the rear of the _Herald's_ tent here yesterday. General Terry, whose head-quarters adjoin those of your correspondent, has a sable cook, who wanted some lead for his fishing-tackle, and undertook to melt some from the outside of a ten-pound Parrot shell, which he discovered lying about the camp. Placing the projectile in a stove, and seating himself where he could catch the molten metal in a shovel as it fell, he soon had the satisfaction of seeing one of the most startling views ever brought to his vision. The shell exploded, and besides blowing the stove and cookhouse to atoms, inflicted serious wounds upon the darkey. My servant, a contraband from Beaufort, gave vent to the universal sentiment, while he was surveying the wreck which the explosion occasioned, and from which we so narrowly escaped, in the following sage remark:--"De dam ole fool, come clar gown yere f'm Bos'n an' put a shell in de stove!" If General Terry's niggers continue to obtain their "sinkers" in this manner, you may expect to hear that the _Herald's_ head-quarters have been removed.

DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND.--144.

In New York, a quick-witted toper went into a bar-room and called for something to drink. "We don't sell liquor," said the law-evading landlord; "we will give you a glass, and then if you want a cracker (a biscuit) we'll sell it you for three cents." The "good creature" was handed down, and our hero took a stiff horn; when, turning round to depart, the unsuspecting landlord handed him the dish of crackers, with the remark, "You'll buy a cracker?" "Well, no, I guess not; you sell 'em too dear. I can get lots on 'm five or six for a cent anywhere else."

EDITORIAL TRIBULATIONS.--145.

The editor of the _American Mechanic_ has encountered trials unknown to ordinary men. Just hearken unto his wailings:--"Owing to the fact that our paper-maker disappointed us, the failure of the mails deprived us of our exchanges, a Dutch pedlar stole our scissors, the rats ran off with the paste, and the devils went to the circus, while the editor was at home tending the baby, our paper is unavoidably postponed beyond the period of its publication."

SAMBO AND CUFFEE.--146.

Varnum S. Mills, of this city, tells a story illustrative of the simplicity of Virginia niggers. He was visiting a friend in the Old Dominion, who owns many slaves, among whom were two, named Sambo and Cuffee, who seemed to be mortal enemies. Sambo was a favourite with the master, who one day said to him: "Sambo, you have always been a good nigger, and when you die you shall have a funeral. My family will all attend, and all the niggers shall be present, and Cuffee shall be a pall-bearer." The darkey looked his master in the face with the simplicity of a soft clam when dug out of the mud at low tide, and indignantly responded: "Massa, if Cuffee comes to de funeril, I won't go to the grabe." It apparently did not occur to Sambo that he should be "conveyed" thither.

AN ODE ON GAS.--147.

A country town having been recently lighted with gas, the local editor electrifies the community with an ode:

"Luminous blaze! I never seen the like in all my born days! Tallow candles ain't no mor'n tar When you're about; And spirit lamps is no whar, Bein clean dun out.

"Sparkling lite! I think I never seen anything half so brite; Everything is amazing clear; The hidjus glume Is defunct; and every cheer Is apparient in the rume!

"Gloryous halo! Your skintelashuns make a surprising display; You don't need no snuffers, But you are just scrude out; When you are squenched by puffers, Ojus fumes aryse.

"Brillyant flame! The nites was next to darkness when you came; But candles has vanisht Before you, and lard oil gone to grass; Every greasy nuisance has been banisht-- Hurraw for Gass!"

CURIOSITIES OF AMERICAN SPEECH.--148.

In a book on Americanisms, published last year, a Baltimore young lady is represented as jumping up from her seat, on being asked to dance, and saying, "Yes, sirree: for I have sot, and sot, and sot, till I've nigh tuk root!" I cannot say I have heard anything quite equal to this; but I very well remember that at a party given on board one of the ships at Esquimault, a young lady declined to dance a "fancy" dance upon the plea, "I'd rather not, sir. I guess I'm not _fixed up_ for waltzing;" an expression the peculiar meaning of which must be left to readers of her own sex to decide. An English young lady who was staying at one of the houses at Mare Island when we were there, happened one evening, when we were visiting her friends, to be confined to her room with a headache. Upon our arrival, the young daughter of our host--a girl of bout twelve--went up to her to try to persuade her to come down. "Well," she said, "I'm _real_ sorry you're so poorly. You'd better come, for there are some almighty swells down there!" A lady speaking of the same person, said, "Her hair, sir, took my fancy right away!" Again, several of us were one day talking to a tall, slight young lady about the then new-fashioned crinoline which she was wearing. After a little banter, she said, "I guess, captain, if you were to take my hoops off you might draw me through the eye of a needle!" Perhaps one of the most whimsical of these curiosities of expression, combining freedom of manner with that of speech, was made use of to Captain Richards by a master-caulker. He had been vainly endeavouring to persuade the captain that the ship required caulking; and at last he said in disgust, "You may be liberal as a private citizen, captain, but you're mean to an almighty pump-tack!"--in his official capacity of course. Again, an American gentleman on board of one of our mail-packets was trying to recall to the recollection of the mail-agent a lady who had been fellow-passenger with them on a former occasion. "She sat opposite you at table all the voyage," he said. "Oh, I think I remember her; she ate a great deal, did she not?" "Eat, sir!" was the reply; "she was a perfect gastronomic fillibuster!" One more example and I have done with a subject upon which I might enlarge for pages. The boys at the school at Victoria were being examined in Scripture, and the question was asked, "In what way did Hiram assist Solomon in the building of the temple?" It passed two or three boys, when at last one sharp little fellow triumphantly exclaimed, "Please, sir, he _donated_ him the lumber."

VERY LIKELY.--149.

"From Camden to Bletchly, a distance of forty miles I travelled along with Mrs. Greaves. She was a sweet and interesting woman--so sweet and interesting that, fastidious as I am on the subject, I believe I would have been willing to have kissed her. I had, however, several reasons for not perpetrating this act. First, I am such a good husband I wouldn't even be guilty of the appearance of disloyalty to my sweet wife. Second, I was afraid our fellow-passengers would see me and tell Greaves. Third, I do not think Mrs. G. would let me."

CURIOUS EVENT.--150.

A diffident Hartford bachelor went to the sea-shore in August to seek refuge from the loneliness of his celibacy, and one dark evening, enjoying the breeze on the piazza of his hotel, happened to take a seat that had just been vacated by the husband of a loving wife, with whom the happy man had been chatting. In a few moments the lady returned, and, mistaking the stranger for her husband, lovingly encircled his neck and gave him an affectionate kiss, with the remark, "Come, darling, is it not about time to retire?" He did not faint, but the shock was very severe.

HOT PIES.--151.

One freezing February morning a negro hawked mutton pies in a basket around Faneuil Hall Square, roaring out, "Hot mutton pies!" "Hot mutton pies!" A teamster bought and tried to bite one, but found it frozen as solid as the curb-stone. "What do you call them hot for, you black and blue swindler?" yelled the teamster to the shivering pieman. "Wy, wy, a white man guv 'em to me hot dis mornin'. Dey was hot wen I got 'em dis mornin'!" "Well, you fool, it didn't take ten minutes to freeze them in that old basket. Why call them hot now?" "Wy, bless you, dats de name ob 'em--de name ob 'em! If I didn't holler de right name nobody would tetch 'em. You want me to holler froze pies, I suppose! No, sa; you can't fool me dat way!"

A MIGHTY THICK FOG.--152.