Part 4

They have orators out in Illinois, if we trust the description of a certain military one, furnished us by a correspondent in that State:--It was in dog-days, and a great hue and cry had been raised about mad dogs. Although no person could be found who had seen one, the excitement still grew by the rumours it was fed on. A meeting of the citizens was called for the purpose of devising plans for the extermination not only of mad dogs, but, to make safety doubly sure, of dogs in general. The "brigadier" was appointed chairman. After stating the objects of the meeting in a not very parliamentary manner, instead of taking his seat and allowing others to make some suggestions, he launched forth into a speech of some half-hour's length, of which the following burst of forensic splendour is a sample:--"FELLER CITIZENS,--The time has come when the overcharged feelings of aggrawated human natur are no longer to be stood. Mad dogs are midst of us; their shriekin' yelp and fomy track can be heered and seen on our peraries. Death follers in their wake; shall we sit here like cowards while our lives and our neighbours' lives are in danger from their dreadful vorashus hidrofobie caninety? No, it mustn't be. E'en now my house is torn with conflictin' feelin's of wrath and wengeance; a funeral pyre of wild cats is burstin' within me. I have horses and cattle, I have sheep and pigs, I have a wife and children, and," rising higher as the importance of the subject deepened in his estimation, "I have money out at interest; _all in danger of bein' bit by these infernal dogs_!"

A PUZZLED JUDGE.--91.

A man, named Josh, was brought before a country squire for stealing a hog, and three witnesses being examined swore they saw him steal it. A wag, having volunteered as counsel for Josh, knowing the scope of the squire's brain, arose and addressed him as follows:--"May it please your honour, I can establish this man's honesty beyond the shadow of a doubt, for I have twelve witnesses ready to swear that they DID NOT see him steal it." The squire rested his head for a few moments upon his hand, as if in deep thought, and with great dignity arose, and, brushing back his hair, said: "If there are twelve who did not see him steal it, and only three who did, I discharge the prisoner."

TO NEWSPAPER BORROWERS.--92.

An up-country editor thus pays his respects to "Newspaper borrowers--May theirs be a life of single blessedness; may their paths be carpeted with cross-eyed snakes, and their nights be haunted with knock-kneed tom-cats."

PADDLE YOUR OWN CANOE.--93.

Up this world, and down this world, And over this world and through, Though drifted about, And tossed without, Why, "paddle your own canoe."

What though the sky is heavy with clouds, Or shining a field of blue; If the bleak wind blows, Or the sunshine glows, Still "paddle your own canoe."

What if breakers rise up ahead, With dark waves rushing through, Move steadily by With a steadfast eye, And "paddle your own canoe."

If a hurricane rise in the midnight skies, And the stars are lost to view, Glide safely along, With a smile and a song, And "paddle your own canoe."

Up this world, and down this world, And over this world and through, Though weary and worn, Bereft and forlorn, Still "paddle your own canoe."

Never give up when trials come, Never grow sad and blue. Never sit down With a tear and a frown, But "paddle your own canoe."

There are daisies springing along the shores, Blooming and sweet for you; There are rose-hued dyes In the autumn skies-- Then "paddle your own canoe."

TO SNORERS.--94.

An inventive Yankee has produced an apparatus which, he says, is a cure for snoring. He fastens upon the nose a gutta-percha tube leading to the tympanum of the ear. Whenever the snorer snores, he himself receives the first impression, finds how disagreeable it is, and, of course, reforms.

INGENIOUS BOOT-BLACK.--95.

The street boot-blacks are one of the "institutions" of New York, as well as of some other large cities. These boys are generally so polite and so industrious that we rather like them, and sometimes take a "shine up" just to see them work, and to chat with the smart little fellows. Here is a case illustrating their ingenuity:--A well-dressed man standing at a hotel-door not long since was hailed by one of them with the usual question, "Shine up, sir?" "What do you charge for blacking boots?" asked the man, who was somewhat noted for stinginess. "Five cents," was the reply. "Too much, too much; I'll give you three cents," said the man. "All right," said the youngster, and at it he went with might and main, and very soon had one boot shining like a mirror; but, instead of commencing on the other he began to pack up his brushes. "You havn't finished," exclaimed the man. "Never mind," replied the boot-black, with a twinkle in his eye; "I won't charge you anything for what I've done; there comes a customer who pays." The man glanced at the shining boot, then at the other, which was rusty and bespattered with mud, thought of the ridiculous figure he would make with _one_ polished boot, and amid the laughter of the bystanders agreed to give the sharp boy ten cents to finish the job, which he did in double quick time, and with great pleasure.

A YANKEE'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--96.

Sir, I was born and raised in Connecticut; Bolted to sea, and was wreck'd in Japan; Quite a respectable figure I 'spect I cut, When coming back to keep school I began. Guess at the saw-mill I proved a top sawyer, And as a minister made a small splurge; Reckon I felt more at home as a lawyer, Ere as a doctor I learn'd how to purge. But the long words in the medical lexicon Soon I forgot from a couple of years Spent in campaigning against the darn'd Mexican, When I commanded the Bragg Volunteers. Just for a change, then a paper I edited, Scorch'd politicians, and pitch'd into books; That was before I was envoy accredited-- Austrian plenipo--General Snooks. 'Tis a slow life--that of Minister resident-- Posting despatches to kings, and what not; But, as they propose to run me for President, Hang'd if I care to repine at my lot.

COLD PICTURE.--97.

An eminent artist, American, of course, lately painted a snow-storm so naturally that he caught a bad cold by sitting near it with his coat off.

LINCOLN ON NIGGER MATHEMATICS.--98.

Our humorous Chief Magistrate was lately visited by one of the "On to Richmond," sword of Gideon gentry, who confidently expressed the hope so common among the abolition noodles, that Lee's army would be "bagged." The President grinned to the utmost of his classic mouth, and remarked that he was afraid there would be too much "nigger mathematics" in it. The visitor smiled at the allusion, as he felt bound in politeness to do, supposing there must be something in it, though he could not see the point. "But I suppose you don't know what 'nigger mathematics' is?" continued Mr. Lincoln. "Lay down your hat a minute and I'll tell you." He himself resumed the sitting posture, leaned back in his chair, elevated his heels on the table, and went on with his story. "There was a darky in my neighbourhood called Pompey, who, from a certain quickness in figuring up the prices of chickens and vegetables, got the reputation of being a mathematical genius. Mr. Johnson, a darkey preacher, heard of Pompey and called to see him. 'Here ye're a great mat'm'tishum, Pompey.' 'Yes sar, you jas try.' 'Well, Pompey, Ize compound a problem in mat'matics.' 'All right, sar.' 'Now Pompey, spose dere am tree pigeons sittin' on a rail-fence, and you fire a gun at 'em and shoot one, how many's left?' 'Two, ob coors,' replies Pompey, after a little wool scratching. 'Ya! ya! ya!' laughs Mr. Johnson; 'I knowed you was a fool, Pompey; dere's none left; one's dead, and dudder two's flown away.' That's what makes me say," continued Mr. Lincoln, "that I am afraid there was too much 'nigger mathematics' in the Pennsylvania campaign." And the result showed that in this instance, at least, the anecdote suited the fact. Lee's army was the three pigeons. One of them was taken down at Gettysburg, but the other two flew over the Potomac.

THE WRONG TRAIN.--99.

Some young men, going from Columbus to Cincinnati Ohio, in the cars, were getting rather noisy and profane, when a gentleman in a white cravat tapped one of them on the shoulder, with the remark, "Young man, do you know that you are on the road to perdition?" "That's just my luck; I got a ticket for Cincinnati, and I've got into the wrong train."

SCIENTIFIC AGREEMENT.--100.

A California paper tells the story of a showman who delighted an "appreciating public" with a view of the Mammoth Cave. It was his custom, as each scene was exhibited, to explain it. When the great cave came to view, he stepped forward and said: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is a great phenomena--indeed, the greatest of the world. The learned of all nations have visited it; but while none could agree as to the cause which had produced it, they all came to this grand conclusion, that it was one of the most tremendous holes in the ground they had ever seen."

THE SADDEST SIGHT.--101.

The attention of bachelors is invited to the following "wail" from the _Springfield Republican_:--"There are some sad sights in this world: a city sacked and burned--a London in the midst of a plague--a ship burning at sea--a family pining in starvation--a jug of molasses wrecked on the pavement; but the saddest sight to us of all is an old bachelor, stolidly walking towards his end, his great duties undone, his shirt buttons off, his stockings out at the toes, and nobody to leave his money to. Were we such a man, the mild, reproving eye of a widow or maiden lady would drive us mad. But there is still hope. Uglier and older men than any of our friends have married beautiful wives, who trained them admirably, and spent their money elegantly."

NO DOUBT.--102.

A western editor, in noticing a new and splendid hearse, says, "He has no doubt it will afford much satisfaction to those who use it."

JOB'S PATIENCE--AS VIEWED BY A LADY.--103.

If there _is_ a proverb that needs revamping, it is "_the patience of Job_." Now, in the first place, Job _wasn't_ patient. Like all the rest of his sex, from that day to the present, he could be heroic only for a time. He _began_ bravely, but ended, as most of them do under annoyance, by cursing and swearing. Patient as Job! Did Job ever try, when he was hungry, to eat shad with a frisky baby in his lap? Did Job ever try, after nursing one all night, and upon taking his seat at the breakfast-table the morning after, to pour out coffee for six people, and second cups at that, before he had a chance to take a mouthful himself? Pshaw! I've no patience with "Job's patience." It is of no use to multiply instances; but there's not a faithful house-mother in the land who does not out-distance him in the sight of men and angels every hour in the twenty-four.

HUNTING UP A SOFT PLACE.--104.

"I was down to see the widow yesterday," said Tim's uncle, "and she gave me a dinner. I went down rather early in the morning. We talked, and laughed, and chatted, and run on, she going out and in occasionally, till dinner was ready, when she helped me graciously to a piece of pie. Now I thought that, Tim, rather favourable. I took it as a symptom of personal approbation, because everybody knows I love pigeon pie, and I flattered myself she had cooked it on purpose for me. So I grew particularly cheerful, and thought I could see it in her too. So, after dinner, while sitting close beside the widow, I fancied we both felt kind of comfortable like: I know I did. I fell over head and ears in love with her, and I imagined, from the way she looked, she had fallen in love with me. She appeared for all the world as if she thought it was coming. Presently--I couldn't help it--I laid my hand softly on her beautiful shoulder, and I remarked, when I placed it there, in my blandest tones, Tim--for I tried to throw my whole soul into the expression--I remarked, then, with my eyes pouring love, truth, and fidelity right into hers: 'Widow, this is the nicest, softest place I ever had my hand in all my life!' Looking benevolently at me, and at the same time flushing up a little, she said, in melting and winning tones: 'Doctor, give me your hand, and I'll put it on a much softer place.' In a moment, in rapture, I consented, and, taking my hand, she very gently, Tim, and quietly laid it on my head. Now, Tim, I havn't told this to a livin' soul but you, and, by jinks! you musn't. But I couldn't hold in any longer, so I tell you; but, mind, it musn't go any further."

ENGLISH GRAMMAR.--105.

The "Comic Grammar" says:--

But remember, though box In the plural makes boxes, The plural of ox Should be _oxen_, not oxes.

To which an exchange paper adds:--

And remember, though fleece In the plural is fleeces, That the plural of goose Aren't _gooses_ nor _geeses_.

We may also be permitted to add:--

And remember, though house In the plural is houses, The plural of mouse Should be _mice_, and not _mouses_.

--_Philadelphia Gazette._

All of which goes to prove That grammar a farce is; For where is the plural Of rum and molasses?

--_New York Gazette._

The plural--_Gazette_-- Of rum don't us trouble; Take one glass too much And you're sure to see double.

--_Brooklyn Daily Advertiser._

A pair of blue eyes-- Just to vary the strain-- Says the plural of kiss Is--"Do it again!"

--_Howard County Sentinel._

Our English vernacular Is rife in abuse: "Unloose" is the same thing As if you said _loose_!

--_Montreal Pilot._

To these observations We also might add Much to prove that all grammar's Deplorably bad; But for Lennie and Murray We have too much respect, To say e'en a word Having evil effect.

--_Anon._

ALL WELL.--106.

A young lady of extraordinary capacity, addressed the following letter to her cousin:--"We is all well, and mother's got the his Terrix; brother Tom is got the Hupin Kaugh, and sister Ann has got a babee, and hope these few lines will find you the same. Rite sune. Your apfhectionate kuzzen."

WHAT HE ALWAYS DID AT HOME.--107.

There is a story told of an Irishman who, landing in our harbour, was met and welcomed by a countryman who had been longer here. "Welcome, Pat," said the latter, "I'm glad to see ye; ye've come just in time, for to-morrow's election day." Pat and his friend took some refreshment together, and presently the newly arrived began to make some inquiries about voting. "Ye'll vote for who ye plaize," said his friend, "sure it's a free counthry." "Well, thin, begorra," rejoined Pat, "I go agin the Government, that's what I always did at home."

HAVING THE COFFIN HANDY.--108.

A man near Cleveland, Ohio, applied for exemption from the draft because an old mother needed his cherishing care. To show how much feeling this affectionate son has for his old mother, the neighbours say he has had her coffin in the house for over two years. He came to town with a load of wood one day, and being unable to sell it, he contrived to trade it off with an undertaker for a coffin. His mother being old, might die suddenly, and then, as Mrs. Toddles says, "how handy it would be to have in the house." Being of a frugal as well as an ingenious turn of mind, he put the coffin in the cellar to keep turnips, against such time as the old lady might drop off.

PATERNAL ADVICE.--109.

"Ven you arrive at the dignity of sawin' wood, Lafayette, if you is elvevated to that perfesshun, mind and always saw de biggest fust; cause vy? you'll only have te leetle vuns to saw ven you gets tired out. Ven you eats pie, as I spose you may if you lives to be a man, eat de crust fust--tain't a good thing to top off with, if it's tough and thick as sole leather. Ven you piles up wood, alvays put de pig vuns on to te bottom--always, Lafayette, cause it's mighty hard vork to lift dem to de top ob te pile. Dese are te results ob observation, Lafayette, and may be depended on, and it's for your good I say it." "Vy, father," said young hopeful, "vot a 'normous 'xperience you must a had!"

THE FIRST MARRIAGE.--110.

We like short courtships, and in this Adam acted like a sensible man. He fell asleep a bachelor, and awoke to find himself a married man. He appeared to have popped the question almost immediately after meeting Mademoiselle Eve, and she without any flirtation or shyness, gave him a kiss and herself. Of this first event in the world, we have however, our thoughts, and sometimes in a poetical mood have wished that we were the man that did it. But the deed is done. The chance was Adam's and he improved it. We like the notion of getting married in a garden; it is a good taste. We like a private wedding--Adam's was private. No envious beaux were there; no croaking old maids; no chattering aunts and grumbling grandmothers. The birds of heaven were the minstrels, and the glad sky flung its light upon the scene. One thing about the wedding brings queer thoughts to us spite of scriptural truth. Adam and his wife were rather young to be married--some two or three days old, according to the sagest speculations of theologians; mere babies--larger, but no older; without experience, without a house, without a pot or kettle--nothing but love and Eden.

NOVEL COMMENTARY BY A PARSON.--111.

A minister at a camp meeting was delivering a discourse on pride, and, in cautioning the ladies against it, he said: "And you, dear sisters, may perhaps feel proud that our Lord paid you the distinguished honour of appearing first to one of you after the resurrection; but you have no reason for it, as it was undoubtedly done that the glad tidings might spread sooner."

LOBSTER SALAD.--112.

In a lecture at Portland, Maine, the lecturer, wishing to explain to a little girl the manner in which a lobster casts his shell when he has outgrown it, said: "What do you do when you have outgrown your clothes? You cast them aside, do you not?" "Oh, no!" replied the little one, "we let out the tucks!" The lecturer confessed she had the advantage of him there.

COULDN'T HELP IT, IN FACT.--113.

A grand jury down South ignored a bill against a negro for stealing chickens, and before discharging him from custody, the judge bade him stand reprimanded, and he concluded thus:--"You may go now, John, but let me warn you never to appear here again." John, with delight beaming in his eyes, and a broad grin, displaying a beautiful row of ivory, replied: "I wouldn't been here dis time, Judge, only de constable fotch me."

AFTER JOINING CHURCH.--114.

Uncle Sam had a neighbour who was in the habit of working on Sunday, but after a while he joined the church. One day he met the minister to whose church he belonged. "Well, Uncle Sam," said he, "do you see any difference in Mr. P. since he joined the church?" "Oh, yes," said Uncle Sam, "a great difference. Before, when he went out to mend his fences on Sunday, he carried his axe on his shoulder, but now he carries it under his over-coat."

REMARKABLE DREAM.--115.

A bashful youth was paying his addresses to a gay lass of the country, who had long despaired of bringing things to a crisis. Youth called one day when she was alone at home. After settling the merits of the weather, Miss said, looking slyly into his face, "I dreamed of you last night," "Did you? Why, now." "Yes, I dreamed you kissed me!" "Why, now, what did you dream your mother said?" "Oh, I dreamed she wasn't at home." A light dawned on Youth's intellect, and directly something was heard to crack.

THE NEST EGG.--116.

Some friends of ours in Ohio have a little boy about six years old, and a little girl about four. They had been cautioned in their morning strife after hens' eggs not to take away the nest egg; but one morning the little girl reached the nest first, seized an egg, and started for the house. Her disappointed brother followed, crying, "Mother, mother! Suzy, she's been and got the egg the old hen measures by!"

WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW? BY J. G. SAXE.--117.

I know a girl with teeth of pearl And shoulders white as snow; She lives--ah! well, I must not tell-- Wouldn't you like to know?

Her sunny hair is wondrous fair, And wavy in its flow. Who made it less One little tress-- Wouldn't you like to know?

Her eyes are blue (celestial hue) And dazzling in their glow. On whom they beam With melting gleam-- Wouldn't you like to know?

Her lips are red and finely wed, Like roses ere they blow. What lover sips Those dewy lips-- Wouldn't you like to know?

Her fingers are like lilies fair, When lilies fairest grow. Whose hand they press With fond caress-- Wouldn't you like to know?

Her foot is small, and has a fall Like snow-flakes on the snow. And where it goes Beneath the rose-- Wouldn't you like to know?

She has a name, the sweetest name That language can bestow. 'Twould break the spell If I should tell-- Wouldn't you like to know?

WOMAN-OLOGY.--118.

We (_Home Journal_) wish to be learned in the subtle science of the softer sex. We aspire to know, at least, what it is that makes woman so adorable as magnetism pronounces her to be, and we have seen nothing so tributary to this science as an article in "Once a Month," entitled "The Good that hath been said of Woman." From the pleasant little periodical we speak of (edited by a younger brother of our own), we quote thus largely:--"One day the Fairy Blue descended upon earth with the courteous intention of distributing to all her daughters, inhabitants of different lands, the treasures and favours she brought with her. Her dwarf, Amaranth, sounded his horn, and immediately a young girl of each nation presented herself at the foot of the throne of Fairy Blue. This happened a long time before the revolution of July, 1830. The good Fairy Blue said to all her friends: 'I desire that none of you shall have to complain of the gift I am about to make you. It is not in my power to give each of you the same thing; but such want of uniformity in my largesses, should that deprive them of all merit?' As time is precious to the fairies, they say but little. Fairy Blue here finished her speech, and commenced the distribution of her gifts. She gave to the young girl who represented the Castiles, hair so black and so long that she could make a mantilla of it. To the Italian girl she gave eyes, sparkling and brilliant as an eruption of Vesuvius at midnight. To the Turkish, an _embonpoint_ round as the moon, and soft as eider-down. To the English, an aurora-borealis, to tint her cheeks, her lips, her shoulders. To the German, such teeth as she had herself, and what is not worth less than pretty teeth, but which has its price, a feeling heart, and one profoundly disposed to love. To the Russian girl she gave the distinction of a queen. Then, passing to detail, she placed gaiety upon the lips of a Neapolitan girl, wit in the head of an Irish, good sense in the heart of a Flemish; and when she had no more to give, she prepared to take her flight. 'And I?' said the Parisian girl, retaining her by her blue tunic. 'I had forgotten you.' 'Entirely forgotten, Madam?' 'You were too near me, and I did not perceive you. But what can I do now? The bag of gifts is exhausted.'"

OLE HARRY AND OLE NICK.--119.