Part 17

"No matter where you may chance to be, No matter how many women you see-- A promiscuous crowd, or a certain she-- You may fully depend upon it, That a gem of the very rarest kind, A thing most difficult to find, A pet for which we long have pined, Is a 'perfect love of a bonnet.'"

SAVED THE LEATHER.--622.

An old man, rather elevated, bought a pair of new shoes, and, in order to save their soles, walked home barefoot. He had not walked far before his toe was brought too near to a large stone (considering the latter was the harder of the two). He received a severe blow, and began limping across the street, shoe in hand, groaning out: "Oh! how glad I am I hadn't my new shoes on!"

LEGISLATION.--623.

A Virginia lawyer once objected to an expression of the Act of Assembly of the State of Pennsylvania, that "the State House yard should be surrounded by a brick wall, and remain an open enclosure for ever." "But," replied a Pennsylvanian who was present, "I put it down by that Act of the Legislature of Virginia which is entitled 'A Supplement to an Act to amend an Act making it penal to alter the mark of an unmarked hog.'"

WHEN WILL THEY MEET?--624.

There is a curious duel now pending in Boston which began ten years ago. Mr. A., a bachelor, challenged Mr. B., a married man, with one child, who replied that the conditions were not equal--that he must necessarily put more at risk with his life than the other, and he declined. A year afterwards he received a challenge from Mr. A., who stated that he too had now a wife and child, and he supposed, therefore, the objection of Mr. B. was no longer valid. Mr. B. replied that he now had two children, consequently the inequality still subsisted. The next year Mr. A. renewed the challenge, having now two children also; but his adversary had three. The matter when last heard from was still going on, the numbers being six to seven, and the challenge yearly renewed.

THE MILLENNIUM AT HAND.--625.

An editor of a Boston paper thinks that the millennium is at hand, and gives his reasons. He says that an inspector of long and dry measures in Baltimore, while going his rounds, cut a full quarter of an inch from a yard-stick in a dry-goods' store in that city, it being that much _too long_.

SAYINGS WISE AND WITTY.--626.

It iz highly important that when a man makes up hiz mind tew bekum a raskal, that he should examine hizself clusly, and see if he aint better konstrukted for a phool.

I argy in this way; if a man iz right, he kant be too radikal; if he iz rong, he kant be too consarvatiff.

"Tell the truth, and shame the Devil;" i kno lots ov people who kan shame the devil eazy enuff, but the tother thing bothers them.

It iz a verry delikate job tew forgive a man, without lowering him in hiz own estimashun, and yures too.

Az a gineral thing, when a woman wares the britches she haz a good rite tew them.

It iz admitted now bi evryboddy that the man who kan git fat on berlony sassage has got a good deal of dorg in him.

Wooman's inflooenze iz powerful, espeshila when she wants ennything.

Sticking up yure noze don't prove ennything, for a sope biler, when he iz away from his hum, smells evrything.

No man luvs tew git beat, but it iz better tew git beat than tew be rong.

Don't mistake arroganse for wisdom; menny people hav thought they wuz wize, when tha waz onla windy.

Men aint apt tew git kicked out ov good society for being ritch.

The rode tew Ruin iz alwus kept in good repair, and the travelers pa the expense ov it.

If a man begins life bi being a fust Lutenant in hiz familee, he need never tew look for promoshun.

The only proffit thare is in keeping more than one dorg iz what you kan make on the board.

Young man, study Defference; it iz the best card in the pack.

Honesta iz the poor man's pork, and the rich man's pudding.

Thare iz a luxury in sumtimes feeling lonesum.

Thare is onla one advantage, that i kan see, in going tew the Devil, and that iz the rode iz easy, and yu are sure to git there.

Lastly, i am violently oppozed tew ardent speerits as a bevridge; but for manufakturing purposes i think a leetle ov it tastes good.

JOSH BILLINGS.

HER MARRIAGE GIFT.--627.

A country girl, desirous of matrimony, received from her mistress a twenty dollar bill for her marriage gift. Her mistress desired to see the object of Susan's favour, and a diminutive fellow, swarthy as a Moor, and ill-favoured generally, made his appearance. "Oh, Susan!" said her mistress, "how small; what a strange choice you have made." "La, ma'am," answered Sue, "in such hard times as these, when all tall and handsome fellows are off to the war, what more of a man than this would you expect for twenty dollars?"

A FINE STREAM.--628.

A Philadelphia judge, well known for his love of jokes, advertised a farm for sale, with a fine stream of water running through it. A few days afterwards a gentleman called on him to speak about it. "Well, judge," said he, "I have been over that farm you advertised for sale the other day, and find all right, except the find stream of water you mentioned."--"It runs through the piece of wood in the lower part of the meadow," said the judge.--"What, that little brook? Why, it does not hold much more than a spoonful. I am sure if you empty a bowl of water into it it would overflow. You don't call that a fine stream, do you?"--"Why, if it was a little finer you couldn't see it at all," said the judge, blandly.

KNOWING, AND NOT KNOWING.--629.

"Never go to bed," said a father to his son, "without knowing something you did not know in the morning." "Yes, sir," replied the youth, "I went to bed tipsy last night; didn't dream of such a thing in the morning."

WAR PHRASES.--630.

The Confederates at Atlanta were in the habit of throwing immense 64-pound shells. When these were seen coming, the Federal soldiers would warn each other by such expressions as "Look out for the cart-wheel!" "There comes an anchor!" "Look out for that blacksmith's shop!"

FOND OF SOCIETY.--631.

A lady, who was in the habit of spending a large portion of her time in the society of her neighbours, happened one day to be taken suddenly ill, and sent her husband in great haste for a physician. The husband ran a few rods, but soon returned, exclaiming: "My dear, where shall I find you when I get back?"

ARTEMUS WARD'S COURTSHIP.--632.

There was many affectin' ties which made one hanker arter Betsy Jane. Her father's farm joined our'n; their cows and our'n squencht their thurst at the same spring; our old mares both had stars in their forreds; the measles broke out in both famerlies at nearly the same period; our parients (Betsy's and mine) slept regularly every Sunday in the same meeting-house; and the nabers used to observe: "How thick the Wards and Peasleys air!" It was a surblime site, in the spring of the year, to see our sevral mothers (Betsy's and mine) with their gowns pin'd up so they couldn't sile 'em, affecshuntly Bilin sope together & aboozin the nabers. Altho' I hanker'd intensly arter the objeck of my affecshuns, I darsent tell her of the fires which was rajin in my manly Buzzum. I'd try to do it, but my tung would kerwollop up agin the roof of my mouth & stick thar, like deth to a deseast Afrikan, or a country postmaster to his offiss, while my hart whanged agin my ribs like a old-fashioned wheat Flale agin a barn floor. 'Twas a carm still nite in Joon. All nater was husht, and nary zeffer disturbed the sereen silens. I sot with Betsy Jane on the fense of her father's pastur. We'd bin rompin threw the woods, kullin flowrs, & drivin the woodchuck from his Native Lair (so to speak) with long sticks. Wall, we sot thar on the fense, a swingin our feet two and fro, blushin as red as the Baldinsville skool-house when it was fust painted, and looking very simple, I make no doubt. My left arm was ockepied in ballunsin myself on the fense, while my rite was wounded lovingly round her waste. I cleared my throat, and tremblinly sed: "Betsy, your'e a Gazelle." I thought that air was putty fine. I waited to see what effect it would have upon her. It evidently didn't fetch her, for she up and sed: "Your'e a sheep!" Sez I: "Betsy, I think very muckly of you." "I don't believe a word you say, so there now, cum!" with which obsarvashun she hitched away from me. "I wish thar was winders to my Sole," sed I, "so that you could see sum of my feelins. Thare's fire enough within," sed I, striking my buzzum with my fist, "to bile all the corn beef and turnips in the naberhood. Veersoovius and Critter ain't a circumstance!" She bow'd her hed down, and commenced chewin the strings to her bonnet. "Ar, could you know the sleepless nites I worry threw with on your account; how vittles has seized to be attractive to me, & how my lims has shrunk up, you wouldn't dowt me. Gaze on this wastin form, and these 'ere sunken cheeks." I should have continured on in this strane probly for sum time, but unfortnitly I lost one ballanse and fell over into the pasture. Ker smash tearin my close, and seveerly damagin myself ginerally. Betsy Jane sprang to my assistance in dubble quick time, and dragged me 4th. Then, drawin herself up to her full hite, sed: "I won't listen to your noncents no longer. Jes say rite strate out what your'e drivin at. If you mean gettin hitched, I'M IN!" I considered that air enuff for all practical purposes, and we proceeded immejitly to the parson's, and was made 1 that very nite. I've parst through many tryin ordeels sins then, but Betsy Jane has bin troo as steel. By attending strickly to bizness I've amarsed a handsome Pittance. No man on this footstool can rise and git up & say I ever knowingly injered no man or wimmin folks, while all agree that my Show is ekalled by few and excelled by none, embracin, as it does, a wonderful colleckshun of livin wild Beests of Pray, snaix in great profushun, a endless variety of life-size wax figgers, & the only traned Kangaroo in Ameriky--the mos amoozin little cuss ever introjuced to a discriminatin public, at the small charge of 15 sents.

COLONEL CROCKETT AND THE 'COON.--633.

I discovered a long time ago that a 'coon couldn't stand my grin. I could bring one tumbling down from the highest tree. I never wasted powder and lead when I wanted one of the creatures. Well, as I was walking out one night, a few hundred yards from my house, looking carelessly about me, I saw a 'coon planted upon one of the highest limbs of an old tree. The night was very moony and clear, and old Ratler was with me; but Ratler won't bark at a 'coon--he's a queer dog in that way. So I thought I'd bring the lark down in the usual way, _by a grin_. I set myself--and, after grinning at the 'coon a reasonable time, found that he didn't come down. I wondered what was the reason, and I took another steady grin at him. Still he was there. It made me a little mad. So I felt round, and got an old limb about five feet long, and planting one end upon the ground, I placed my chin upon the other, and took a rest. I then grinned my best for about five minutes, but the cursed 'coon hung on. So, finding I could not bring him down by grinning, I determined to have him, for I thought he must be a droll chap. I went over to the house, got my axe, returned to the tree, saw the 'coon still there, and began to cut away. Down it come, and I run forward; but d----n the 'coon was there to be seen. I found that what I had taken for one was a large knot upon a branch of the tree, and, upon looking at it closely, I saw that _I had grinned all the bark off, and left the knot perfectly smooth_.

MODESTY.--634.

"Modesty," says a Yankee editor, "is a quality that highly adorns a woman, but ruins a man."

SELF-EVIDENT KNOWLEDGE.--635.

A Yankee soldier who read his name in the list of deaths at an hospital, wrote home that he didn't believe it. In fact, he knew the statement was a falsehood as soon as he read it.

OBSTINACY CURED.--636.

A juror held out against his eleven companions in Santa Cruz, California. The others, after trying all other means, finally agreed to send in a verdict of "Guilty," with the addition, that the obstinate member was a great rascal, and confederate of the prisoner. He thereupon gave in.

NERVE OF FEELING.--637.

A Southern paper says that "a Yankee's chief nerve of feeling is in his pocket."--"A rebel is more apt to feel in his neighbour's pocket," replies a Northern journal.

TWO MUCH ICE.--638.

A correspondent tells of a chap who was drinking at a bar, and withal being tolerably tight, after several ineffectual attempts to raise the glass to his lips, succeeded in getting it high enough to pour the contents inside his shirt-collar, and set the glass down with the exclamation, "That's good, but a little too much ice, landlord!"

ALL-HEALING.--639.

A Mormon, named Nichols, made a nerve and bone all-healing salve, and thought he would experiment a little with it. He first cut off his dog's tail, and applied some to the stump. A new tail grew out immediately. He then applied some to the piece of the tail which he cut off, and a new dog grew out. He did not know which dog was which.

PUTTING A GOOD FACE ON IT.--640.

A writer in the _Chicago Post_ describes how he got out of a bad scrape in a police-court:--"The next morning the judge of the police-court sent for me. I went down, and he received me cordially. Said he heard of the wonderful things I had accomplished by knocking down five persons, and assaulting six others, and was proud of me. I was a promising young man, and all that. Then he offered a toast, 'Guilty or Not Guilty?' I responded in a brief but elegant speech, setting forth the importance of the occasion that had brought us together. After the usual ceremonies, I was requested to lend the city ten dollars."

OBEYING ORDERS.--641.

An officer down in Georgia tells the following story:--"One night General ---- was out on the line, and observed a light by the side of the mountain opposite. Thinking it was a signal light of the enemy, he remarked to his artillery officer that a hole could easily be put through it. Whereupon the officer, turning to the corporal in charge of the gun, said, 'Corporal, do you see that light?' 'Yes, sir.' 'Put a hole through it,' ordered the captain. The corporal sighted the gun, and when all was ready he looked up and said, 'Captain, that's the moon!' 'Don't care for that,' was the captain's ready response, 'put a hole through it any how.'"

NOT EXACTLY.--642.

An Indiana man was travelling down the Ohio in a steamer, with a mare and a two-year-old colt, when by a sudden career of the boat, all three were tilted into the river. The Indiana man, as he rose puffing and blowing above water, caught hold of the tail of the colt, not having a doubt that the natural instinct of the animal would take him ashore. The old mare took a direct line for the shore; but the frightened colt swam lustily down the current with the owner. "Let go the colt and hang on the old mare," shouted some of his friends. "Pooh, pooh!" exclaimed the Indiana man, spouting the water from his mouth, and shaking his head like a Newfoundland dog; "it's mighty fine, you telling me to leave go the colt; but to a man that can't swim, this ain't exactly the time for changing horses!"

THE ANGLER CAUGHT.--643.

"In the summer of 1823," says an American writer, "when a mere lad, I was at Swift's, in Sandwich. My then schoolmaster was there also, and from him I had the tale. John Brown was the well-known _sobriquet_ of the fisherman who attended amateur anglers on their excursions. John was not remarkable for his veracity, but quite otherwise, when his success with the hook and line was the 'subject of his story.' One day he was out with Daniel Webster. Both were standing in the brook, patient waiters for a bite, when Mr. Webster told John how he caught a large, a very large, trout on a former time. 'Your honour,' said John, 'that was very well for a gentleman. But once, when I was standing down by yonder bush, I took a fish, weighing'--I forget how much, but of course many ounces more than the great lawyer's big fish. 'Ah! John, John,' exclaimed Mr. Webster, 'you are an am_phib_ious animal--_you lie in the water, and you lie out of it_!'"

SPLENDID FIRING.--644.

They have pretty good marksmen in Vermont. Brown was telling Smith, of New Hampshire, the skill of a Green Mountain hunter. "Why," said he, "I have seen him take two partridges and let them both go--one in front and the other behind him; and he would fire and kill the one in front, and then whirl round and kill the other." "Did he have a double-barrelled gun?" enquired Smith. "Of course he did." "Well," replied Smith, "I saw a man do the same thing with a _single-barrel_." Brown didn't believe the thing possible, and said so.

CHARGED AND DISCHARGED.--645.

A fellow charged with stealing a hoe was discharged upon trial, it being proved that the article taken was an axe. The affair turned out a regular _ho-ax_.

COLONEL CROCKETT.--646.

Said he, "And who are you?" "I'm that same David Crockett, fresh from the backwoods, half horse, half alligator, a little touched with the snapping turtle; can wade the Mississipi, leap the Ohio, ride upon a streak of lightning, and slip without a scratch down a honey locust; can whip my weight in wild cats--and if any gentleman pleases, for a ten dollar bill, he may throw in a panther--hug a bear too close for comfort, and eat any man opposed to General Jackson."

AGRICULTURAL RETURNS.--647.

A farmer in the West once planted his onions close to his poppies, and the consequence was they grew so sleepy that he never could get them out of their beds.

FRANKLIN AND HANCOCK.--648.

"We must be unanimous," observed Hancock, on the occasion of signing the declaration of American Independence; "there must be no pulling different ways." "Yes," observed Franklin, "We must all hang together, or most assuredly we shall all hang separately."

HENRY CLAY.--649.

The following description of Henry Clay appeared in the _Knickerbocker Magazine_; it is needless to say it is by a Western man:--"He is a man, and no mistake! Nature made him with her _sleeves rolled up_."

NATURAL MISTAKE.--650.

A gentleman at the Astor House table, New York, asked the person sitting next to him if he would please to pass the mustard. "Sir," said the man, "do you mistake me for a waiter?" "Oh no, Sir," was the reply, "I mistook you for a gentleman."

_LITERATURE._--651.

An American writer says, "Poetry is the flour of literature; prose is the corn, potatoes, and meat; satire is the aqua-fortis; wit is the spice and pepper; love letters are the honey and sugar; and letters containing remittances are the apple-dumplings."

THOMAS JEFFERSON.--652.

Thomas Jefferson, when Minister to France, being presented at Court, some eminent functionary remarked, "You replace Dr. Franklin, Sir." "I _succeed_ Dr. Franklin," was Mr. Jefferson's prompt reply, "no man can _replace_ him."

BORROWING THE BABY.--653.

All owners of interesting children will be amused by the following, from the _Boston Daily American_:--A gentleman and lady of that city were blessed with a beautiful child about a year old, which attracted so much attention from their neighbours, that the young ladies opposite frequently sent over to "borrow the baby." After being obliged to send for the child several times, Mr. ----, on coming home to dinner one day, got out of temper on finding it gone as usual. "There, Jane," said he, "go over to the Misses ---- and get the baby; give them my compliments, and tell them I wish they had a baby of their own, and were not obliged to borrow."

FORCIBLE EVICTION.--654.

Meeting an American friend travelling in the United States, I enquired whither he was going? "Why," said he, "I guess I'm going to take possession of an estate of mine, and I calculate I will have to shoot down my predecessors."

BOXES AND PIT.--655.

Wemyss, a famous theatrical manager in Philadelphia, quitted the business, and opened instead a large store for the sale of patent medicines. A friend dryly remarked that he would no doubt be successful in filling both _boxes_ and _pit_.

A SWIFT HORSE.--656.

The _Maine Farmer_ tells a number of tough stories about a man whom it calls "Neverbeat." Here is one:--A gentleman was boasting in the presence of Neverbeat about the speed of his horse, which, he said, would trot a mile inside of three minutes, and follow it for three miles. "A mile inside of three minutes aint much to brag about," said Neverbeat. "Why, the other day I was up to S----, sixteen miles distant; just as I started for home, a shower came sweeping on. The rain struck in the back part of the waggon; and the moment it struck, I hit old Kate a cut with the whip, away she trotted, scarcely touching her fore feet to the ground. She kept just nip and nip with the shower. _The waggon was filled with water, but not a drop fell on me._"

PASSING THE COW TO THE CALF.--657.

An American dandy who wanted the milk passed to him at an hotel, thus asked for it: "Landlady, please to pass your cow down this way." The landlady thus retorted: "Waiter, take this _cow_ down to where the _calf_ is bleating."

NATURE AND ART.--658.

An American, fresh from the magnificent woods and rough clearings, was one day visiting the owner of a beautiful seat in Brooklyn; and, walking with him through a little grove, out of which all the underbrush had been cleared, paths had been nicely cut and gravelled, and the rocks covered with woodbine, suddenly stopped, and, admiring the beauty of the scene, lifted up his hands and exclaimed: "This I like! This is Nature--_with her hair combed_."

NEARING IT BY DEGREES.--659.

"Mrs. Green," said a tolerably dressed female, entering a grocery store, in which were several customers, "have you any fresh-corned pork?" "Yes, ma'am." "How much is this sugar a pound?" "One shilling, ma'am." "Let me have," she continued, lowering her voice, "half a pint of gin, and charge it as sugar on the book."

AN APT PUPIL.--660.

A farmer once hired a Vermonter to assist him in drawing logs. The Yankee, when there was a log to lift, generally contrived to secure the smallest end, for which the farmer chastised him, and told him always to take the butt end. Dinner came and with it a sugar-loaf Indian pudding. Jonathan sliced off a generous portion of the largest part, giving the farmer the wink, and exclaimed: "_Always take the butt end._"

POETS.--661.

I never seen a poet that warn't as poor as Job's turkey, or a church mouse; nor a she-poet that her shoes didn't go down to heel, and her stockings looked as if they wanted darnin'; for its all cry and little wool with poets.--_Sam Slick._

GIN AND WATER.--662.

"Mister, your sign has fallen down!" cried a temperance man to a grog-shop keeper, before whose door a drunken man was prostrate. We don't know, says a paper, whether this temperance man was the same into whose store a customer reeled, exclaiming, "Mr. ----, do you--keep--a-ny--thing--good to take here?" "Yes, we have excellent cold water; the best thing in the world to take." "Well, I know it," was the reply, "there is no one--thing--that's done so much for--navigation--as that."

THE "STEAL PEN."--663.

A Western editor complains that all the good things in his paper are cut and inserted in other papers, without acknowledgment of the source whence they are obtained. He says, "they do not render unto scissors the things that are scissors'."

A PILE OF JOKES.--664.