Part 15

General Lee one day found Dr. Cutting, the army surgeon, who was a handsome and dressy man, arranging his cravat complacently before a glass. "Cutting," said Lee, "you must be the happiest man in creation." "Why, General?" "Because," replied Lee, "you are in love with _yourself_, and you have not a _rival_ upon earth."

THE DARKIE'S WISH.--537.

I wish de legislatur would set dis darkie free, Oh! what a happy place den de darkie land would be We'd have a darkie parliament, An' darkie codes of law, An' darkie judges on de bench, Darkie barristers and aw.

POOR PREACHING AND POOR PAY.--538.

"John, what do you do for a living?"--"Oh, me preach."--"Preach, and do you get paid for it?"--"Sometimes me get a shilling, sometimes two shillings."--"And isn't that mighty poor pay?"--"Oh, yes, but it's mighty poor preaching."

A TRUMP CARD.--539.

There was a very large family of Cards wunst at Slickville. They were mostly in the stage-coach and livery-stable line, and careless, reckless sort of people. So one day Squire Zenas Card had a christenin' at his house. Says the minister, "What shall I call the child?"--"Pontius Pilate," said he.--"I can't," said the minister, "and I won't. No soul ever heard of such a name for a Christian since baptism came in fashion."--"I am sorry for that," said the squire, "for it's a mighty pretty name. I heard it once in church, and I thought if ever I had a son I'd call him after him; but if I can't have that--and it's a dreadful pity--call him Trump;" and he was christened "Trump Card."--_Sam Slick._

TIMELY WARNING.--540.

A Yankee editor thus confesses to have had dealings with Satan, for the good of his readers, of course:--I was sitting in my study, when I heard a knock at the door. "Come in," said I; when the door opened, and who should walk in but--Satan! "How d'ye do?" said he.--"Pretty well," said I.--"What are you about? preparing your leader?"--"Yes," said I.--"Ah! I dare say you think you are doing a great deal of good?"--"Well," said I, "not so much as I could wish; but a little good, I hope."--"You have a large lot of readers," said he.--"Well, pretty well for that," said I.--"And I dare say you are very proud of them," said Satan.--"No," said I, "that I am not, for not one-third of them pay for their papers!"--"You don't say so!" said he.--"Yes, that I do," said I; "not one-third of them pay for their papers!"--"Well," said he, "then they are an immoral lot; but let me have the list, I think I can do a trifle myself with such people."

HABITUAL THIRST.--541.

A soldier on trial for habitual drunkenness was addressed by the president--"Prisoner, you have heard the prosecution for habitual drunkenness, what have you to say in defence?" "Nothing, please your honour, but habitual thirst."

STONING STEPHEN.--542.

The _Buffalo Democracy_ narrates this story of one of the miniature men, vulgarly called children:--"A teacher in a Sunday-school in R---- was examining a class of little boys from a Scripture catechism. The first question was, 'Who stoned Stephen?'--_Answer_: 'The Jews.'--Second question: 'Where did they stone him?'--'Beyond the limits of the city.'--The third question: 'Why did they take him beyond the limits of the city?' was not in the book, and proved a poser to the whole class; it passed from head to foot without an answer being attempted. At length a little fellow who had been scratching his head all the while looked up, and said, 'Well, I don't know, unless it was to get _a fair fling at him_!'"

VIRGINIAN ELOQUENCE.--543.

Mr. Wise, of Virginia, in a late speech, is reported to have said respecting that State, "She has an iron chain of mountains running through her centre, which God has placed there to milk the clouds, and be the source of her silver rivers." The _Rochester American_ remarks--"The figure is borrowed from the New York milkmen, who milk the clouds as much as they do their cows, and draw from the former the most palatable and healthful portion of the compound fluid."

YANKEE FACTORY GIRLS.--544.

In one of the factories in Maine the proprietor recently reduced the wages, whereupon there was a general determination to "strike;" and as the girls were obliged to give a month's notice before quitting work, they have meanwhile issued a circular to the world at large, in which is the following interesting paragraph:--"We are now working out our notice, and shall soon be without employment; can turn our hands to 'most anything; don't like to be idle--but determined not to work for nothing when folks can afford to pay. Who wants help? We can make bonnets, dresses, puddings, pies, and cakes, patch, darn, and knit, roast, stew, and fry; make butter and cheese, milk cows and feed chickens, and hoe corn; sweep out the kitchen, put the parlour to rights, make beds, split wood, kindle fires, wash and iron, besides being remarkably fond of babies; in fact, can do anything the most accomplished housewife is capable of--not forgetting the scoldings on Mondays and Saturdays. For specimens of spirit we refer you to our overseer. Speak quick. Black eyes, fair foreheads, clustering locks, beautiful as a Hebe, can sing like a seraph, and smile most bewitchingly. An elderly gentleman in want of a housekeeper, or a nice young man in want of a wife--willing to sustain any character; in fact, we are in the market. Who bids? Going--going--gone! Who's the lucky man?"

FALLING IN LOVE.--545.

If you want a son not to fall in love with any splenderiferous gal, praise her up to the skies, call her an angel, say she is a whole team and horse to spare, and all that. The moment the crittur sees her he is a little grain disappointed, and says, "Well, she is handsome, that's a fact; but she is not so very, very everlastin' after all." Nothin' damages a gal, a preacher, or a lake, like overpraise. A hoss is one of the onliest things in natur' that is helpet by it.--_Sam Slick._

DULL MEMBERS.--546.

"I rise for information," said one of the dullest of the members of the American Legislature.--"I am very glad to hear it," said one, who was leaning over the bar; "for no man wants it more than yourself." Another member rose to speak on the bill to abolish capital punishments, and commenced by saying, "Mr. Speaker, the generality of mankind in general are disposed to exercise oppression on the generality of mankind in general." "You had better stop," said one, who was sitting near enough to pull him by the coat-tail; "you had better stop, you are coming out of the same hole you went in at."

HEADY.--547.

A New York paper says that a man the morning after he has been drunk with wine feels as though he had the rheumatism in every hair of his head.

SAM SLICK'S GEOLOGY.--548.

The clockmaker says: "I never heard of secondary formations without pleasure, that's a fact. The ladies, you know, are the secondary formations, for they were formed after man."

POLITICS.--549.

Politics is nothing more nor less than a race for a prize, a game for the stakes, a battle for the spoils.--_Dow's Sermons._

GOOD EYESIGHT.--550.

A man down East, describing the prevalence of duelling, summed up with: "They even fight with daggers in a room _pitch dark_." "Is it possible?" was the reply. "_Possible_, sir!" returned the Yankee, "_why I've seen them_."

A KNOWING CONTRABAND.--551.

"Bob," now called Belmont Bob, is the body servant of General Clernard, and at the battle of Belmont it is said of him that when the retreat commenced he started for the boats. Reaching the banks, he dismounted, and slid rapidly down, when an officer, seeing the action, called out: "Stop, you rascal, and bring along the horse." Merely looking up as he waded to the plank through the mud, the darky replied: "Can't 'bey, colonel; major told me to save the most valuable property, and dis nigger's worf mor'n a horse."

GENERAL GRANT.--552.

When the North American General Grant was about twelve years old, his father sent him a few miles into the country to buy a horse from a man named Ralston. The old man told his son to offer Ralston 50 dollars at first; if he wouldn't take that, to offer 55 dollars, and to go as high as 60 dollars, if no less would make the purchase. The embryotic major-general started off with these instructions fully impressed upon his mind. He called upon Mr. Ralston, and told him he wished to buy the horse. "How much did your father tell you to give for him?" was the very natural inquiry from the owner of the steed. "Why," said young Grant, "he told me to offer you 50 dollars, and if that wouldn't do to give you 55 dollars, and if you wouldn't take less than 60 dollars to give you that." Of course, 60 dollars was the lowest figure at which the horse could be parted with.

SNIP.--553.

A tailor from Nantucket exclaimed, on first beholding the Falls of Niagara, "What an almighty fine place to sponge a coat in!"

BACKWOODS CONVERSATION.--554.

What is the land? Bogs.--The atmosphere? Fogs.--What did you live on? Hogs.--What were your draught animals? Dogs.--Any fish in the ponds? Frogs.--What did you find the women? Clogs.--What map did you travel by? Mogg's.

NO VICES.--555.

Some one was smoking in the presence of the President, and complimented him on having no vices, neither drinking nor smoking. "That is a doubtful compliment," answered the President; "I recollect once being outside a stage in Illinois, and a man sitting by me offered me a cigar. I told him I had no vices. He said nothing; smoked for some time; and then grunted out, 'It's my experience that folks who have no vices have plaguey few virtues.'"

"FIRE AT THE CRISIS."--556.

During one of the battles on the Mississippi, between General Grant's forces and General Pillow's soldiers, the latter officer called out to a Capt. Duncan, in his usual pompous, solemn manner: "Captain Duncan, fire! the crisis has come." Duncan, without saying a word, turned to his men, who were standing by their guns already shotted and primed, and simply called out, "Fire!" The men were slightly surprised at the order, there being no particular object within range, when an old grey-headed Irish sergeant stepped up with "Plaze, yer honour, what shall we fire at?" "Fire at the crisis," said Duncan. "Didn't you hear the general say it had come?"

A SHREWD NIGGER.--557.

"Why don't you enlist, Ginger?" asked a white patriot of a negro. "Wal, mas'r," replied the contraband, "did yever see two dogs fightin' for a bone?" "Certainly, Ginger." "Wal, did yever see de bone fight?" "Not I." "Wal, mas'r, you'se both a fightin', and Ginger's de bone, an' he's not gwine to fight in this hyar difficulmty."

AN AMERICAN "HELP."--558.

The following amusing description of an American servant we extract from a letter from New York:--An American "help" is no menial. She is spoken of, not satirically, but in simple good faith, as "the young lady" who "picks up" the house and "fixes" the dinner-table. Before she agrees to enter a family she cross-examines her mistress as to whether the house is provided with Hecker's flour, and Berbe's range; brass pails; oil-cloth on the stairs; and hot and cold water laid on. Then she states the domestic "platform" on which she is prepared to act. "Monday I bakes; and nobody speaks to me. Tuesday I washes; I'se to be let alone. Wednesday I irons; you'd best let me be that day. Thursday I picks up the house; I'm awful ugly that day in temper, but affectionate. Friday I bakes again. Saturday my beau comes. And Sunday I has to myself." The "help," I repeat, is a young lady. She attends lectures, and may some day become a member of a Woman's Rights' Convention; and it is because she is a young lady, and the persons who require her assistance do not choose to run the risk of being driven raving mad by her perversity and her impertinence, that so many married couples in the United States never venture on housekeeping for themselves, but live from year's end to year's end in uproarious and comfortless hotels.

GERMAN WINES.--559.

The _Philadelphia Gazette_ assures its readers that some of the German wines are as sour as vinegar, and as rough as a file. It is remarked of the wines of Stuttgard, says this authority, that one is like a cat scampering down your throat headforemost, and another is like drawing the same cat back again by its tail.

THE GENERAL NO PATTERN.--560.

A private one day lumbered into the presence of General Thomas and asked for furlough, adding: "General, I wish to go home to see my wife." "How long is it since you have seen your wife?" inquired the General. "Why," answered the soldier, "I have not seen my wife for over three months." "Three months!" remarked General Thomas, "why, I haven't seen my wife for over three years!" "Well, that may be," rejoined the other, "but you see, General, me and my wife ain't of that sort." The private got his furlough after that rub.

IT FOLLOWS.--561.

A Yankee pedlar with his cart, overtaking another of his class on the road, was thus addressed: "Hallo, what do you carry?" "Drugs and medicines," was the reply. "Good," returned the other, "you may go ahead; I carry grave-stones."

JOSHUA BILLINGS ON HORSES.--562.

Pedigree iz not important for a fast-trotten' hoss; if he kan trot fast, never mind the pedigree. Thare iz a grate menny fast men even who ain't got no pedigree. Thare ain't much art in drivin' a trotten' hoss; just hold him back hard, and holler him ahead hard, that's awl. A hoss will trot the fastest down hill, espeshili if the birchin brakes. Kuller is no kriterior. I have seen awful mean hosses of all kullers, except green. I never seed a mean one of this kuller. Hosses live tew an honorabil old age. I often seen them that appeared fully prepared for deth. Heathens are awlus kind to hosses; it is among Christian people that a hoss haz to trot three mile heats in a hot day, for 25,900 dollars counterfeit munny.

AMERICAN CURIOSITY.--563.

"You're from down East, I guess?" said a sharp, nasal voice behind me. This was a supposition first made in the Portland cars, when I was at a loss to know what distinguishing and palpable peculiarity marked me as a "down-easter." Better informed now, I replied, "I am."--"Going West?" "Yes."--"Travelling alone?" "No."--"Was you raised down East?" "No, in the Old Country."--"In the little old island? Well, you're kinder glad to leave it, I guess? Are you a widow?" "No."--"Are you travelling on business?" "No."--"What business do you follow?" "None."--"Well, now, what are you travelling for?" "Health and pleasure."--"Well, now, I guess you're pretty considerable rich. Coming to settle out West, I suppose?" "No, I'm going back at the end of the fall."--"Well, now, if that's not a pretty tough hickory-nut! I guess you Britishers are the queerest critturs as ever was raised!"

YANKEE INQUISITIVENESS.--564.

One of the last stories of Yankee inquisitiveness makes the victim give his tormentor a direct cut, in telling him he wished to be asked no further questions. The inquisitor fell back a moment to take breath, and change his tactics. The half-suppressed smile on the faces of the other passengers soon aroused him to further exertions; and, summoning up more resolution, he then began again. "Stranger, perhaps you are not aware how mighty hard it is for a Yankee to control his curiosity. You'll please excuse me, but I really would like to know your name and residence, and the business you follow. I expect you ain't ashamed of either of 'em, so now won't you just obleedge me?" This appeal brought out the traveller, who, rising up to the extremest height allowed by the coach, and throwing back his shoulders, replied: "My name is General Andrew Washington. I reside in the State of Mississipi. I am a gentleman of leisure, and, I am glad to be able to say, of extensive means. I have heard much of New York, and I am on my way to see it; and, if I like it as well as I am led to expect, _I intend to--buy it_." Then was heard a shout of stentorian laughter throughout the stage-coach, and this was the last of that conversation.

THE AMENDE HONOURABLE.--565.

A Pennsylvania paper contains the subjoined _amende honourable_, which ought to satisfy any reasonable being:--"AMENDE HONOURABLE:--We yesterday spoke of Mr. Hamilton, of the Chesnut Street Theatre, as a 'thing.' Mr. H. having complained of our remark, we willingly retract, and here state that Mr. Hamilton, of the Chesnut Street Theatre, is _no-thing_."

YANKEE PORTRAIT OF JOHN BULL.--566.

An American writer says: "John Bull is altogether too superfluous and clumsy; his proportions want regulating; his belly is too protuberant; his neck too thick; his feet too spreading; his hands too large and podgy; his lips too spongy and everted; his cheeks too pendulous; his nose too lobular, blunt, and bottle-like; his expression altogether too beef-eating. In a word, according to our taste, John Bull won't do, and must be done over again. The American is an Englishman without his caution, his reserve, his fixed habits, his cant, and his stolidity."

A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.--567.

A St. Louis paper informs its readers that the anthracite coal, found lately in Missouri, looks like coal, feels like coal, and smells like coal; all the difference is that coal burns, and that will not.

HALF GUILTY.--568.

A man was on trial for _entering_ a house in Philadelphia in the night time, with intent to steal. The testimony was clear that he had made an opening sufficiently large to admit the upper part of his body, and through which he protruded himself about half way, and, stretching out his arm, committed the theft. Mr. Obfusticate Brief addressed the jury. "What an outrage (looking horrified, and with outstretched and trembling arms)! I repeat, what an outrage upon your common sense it is for the State's Attorney to ask at your hands the conviction of my client on such testimony! The law is against _entering_ a house, and can a man be said to _enter_ a house when only _one-half_ of his body is _in_, and the other half _out_?" The jury brought in a verdict of "guilty," as to one-half of his body, from his waist up, and "not guilty" as to the other half! The judge sentenced the guilty half to one year's imprisonment, leaving it to the prisoner's option to have the innocent half cut off, or to take it along with him.

THE OTHER IMPEDIMENT.--569.

A handsome young pedlar made love to a buxom widow in Pennsylvania. He accompanied his declaration with an allusion to two impediments to their union. "Name them," said the widow. "The want of means to set up a retail store." They parted, and the widow sent the pedler a cheque for ample means. When they met again the pedler had hired and stocked his store, and the smiling fair one begged to know the other impediment. "_I have a wife already._"

WONDERFUL, IF TRUE.--570.

A Western hunter and his brother spent a year in and about the Rocky Mountains. They had two rifles, one bullet, and one keg of powder. With these, he says, they killed on an average 27 head of buffaloes a day. The fact that they did all this with one bullet led to the following cross question:--"How did you kill all these buffaloes with only one bullet?" "Listen, and I'll explain," said the hunter. "We shot a buffalo; I stood on one side, and my brother on the other. Brother fired; the ball passed into the barrel of my rifle. The next time, I fired, and brother caught my ball in his rifle. We kept up the hunt for twelve months, killing nearly 200 buffaloes per week, and yet brought home the same ball we started with."

JONATHAN'S GUESS.--571.

A "notion seller" was offering Yankee clocks highly varnished and coloured, and with a looking-glass in front, to a certain lady not remarkable for personal beauty. "Why, it's beautiful," said the vendor. "Beautiful, indeed! a look at it almost frightens me!" said the lady. "Then, marm," replied Jonathan, "I guess you'd better buy one that han't got no looking-glass."

SURE OF IT.--572.

A coloured individual in New York, who was hit on the side of his head by a rotten tomato which a mischievous boy threw at him, placed his hand on the spot, and finding some red liquid upon it that he supposed was blood, dropped upon the pathway, and exclaimed in the anguish of his heart, "I'se a dead nigger dis time, sure!"

PICTURE-DEALING.--573.

A Boston paper contains this advertisement:--"A great bargain. To all who may enclose one dollar I will send, post paid, a finely-cut engraved portrait of George Washington, the Father of his Country, together with an elegant portrait of Benjamin Franklin. Either separately at four shillings. Address, H. C. C., ---- Street, Boston." The fellow actually sent back a three-cent and a one-cent postage-stamp, ornamented with the finely-engraved heads!

STRETCH OF IMAGINATION.--574.

Ike Johnstone was down to de ingia-rubber store last week, and he asked me to talk wid de man behind de counter, while he could steal a pair ob suspenders. So he took hold ob a pair by de end and stowed dem away down in his pocket, and went out widout unhooken em from de nail dey was hangin' on; and when he got home he was showin' em to de old woman, and as he was passin' em ober to her, dey slipp'd fro his fingers, and flew back to de store wid such force dat dey busted in de sash, killed de clerk, and knocked all de money out ob de draw.

ADVICE TO DOCTORS.--575.

Have you heard of the Bowery boy who, being cut short in a hard life by a sore disease which quickly brought him to death's door, was informed by his physician that medicine could do nothing for him. "What's my chances, doctor?"--"Not worth speaking of." "One in twenty?"--"Oh, no." "In thirty?"--"No." "Fifty?"--"I think not." "A hundred?"--"Well, perhaps there may be one in a hundred." "I say, then, doctor," pulling him close down, and whispering with feeble earnestness in his ear, "jest go in like all thunder on that one chance." The doctor "went in," and the patient recovered.

SETTING THE TIME.--576.

A close-fisted old farmer had a likely daughter, whose opening charms attracted the attention of a certain young man. After some little manoeuvring, he ventured to open a courtship. On the first night of his appearance in the parlour, the old man, after dozing in his chair until nine o'clock, arose, and putting a log of wood on the fire, said as he left the room, "There, Nancy, when that log of wood burns out it is time for James to go home."

REMARKABLY SOCIABLE.--577.

Governor Powell, of Kentucky, was once a great favourite. He never was an orator, but his conversational, story-telling, and social qualities were remarkable. His great forte lay in establishing a personal intimacy with every one he met, and in this he was powerful in electioneering. He chewed immense quantities of tobacco, but never carried the weed himself, and was always begging it from every one he met. His residence was in Henderson, and in coming up the Ohio, past that place, I overheard the following characteristic anecdote of Lazarus:--A citizen of Henderson coming on board, fell into conversation with a passenger, who made some inquiries about Powell. "Lives in your place, I believe, don't he?"--"Yes; one of our oldest citizens." "Very sociable man, ain't he?"--"Remarkably so." "Well, I thought so. I think he is one of the most sociable men I ever met in all my life. Wonderfully sociable! I was introduced to him over at Grayson Springs, last summer, and he hadn't been with me ten minutes when he begged all the tobacco I had, got his feet up in my lap, and spit all over me! Re-mark-a-bly sociable!"

THE HOUSE THAT JEFF. BUILT.--578.

The _Hartford Post_ says:--

The following history of the celebrated edifice erected by J. Davis, Esq., is authentic. It was written for the purpose of giving infant politicians a clear, concise, and truthful description of the habitation, and the fortunes, and misfortunes, and doings of the inmates:--