Part 14

Chapman, a witty lawyer of Hartford, was busy with a case at which a lady was present, with whom he had already something to do as a witness. Her husband was present--a diminutive, meek, forbearing sort of a man--who, in the language of Mr. Chapman, "looked like a rooster just fished out of a swill barrel," while the lady was a large portly woman, evidently the better horse. As on the former occasion, she baulked on the cross-examination. The lawyer was pressing a question urgently, when she said, with vindictive fire flashing from her eyes, "Mr. Chapman, you needn't think to catch me; you tried that once before!" Putting on his most quizzical expression, he replied, "Madam, I haven't the slightest desire to catch you, and your husband looks as if he was sorry he did." The husband faintly smiled assent.

A WITTY AIDE-DE-CAMP.--484.

During the battle of Fredericksburg, the Confederate General Lee observed one of his aides-de-camp, a very young man, shrink every now and then, and by the motion of his body, seek to evade, if possible, the shot. "Sir," said Lee, "what do you mean? Do you think you can dodge the balls? Do you know that Napoleon lost about a hundred aides-de-camp in one campaign?" "So I've read," replied the young officer, "but I did not think you could spare so many."

NATURE AND ART.--485.

A worthy English agriculturist visited the great dinner-table of the Astor House Hotel, in New York, and took up the bill of fare. His eye caught up the names of its, to him, unknown dishes:--"Soupe à la Flamande"--"Soupe à la Creci"--"Langue de Boeuf piquée"--"Pieds de Cochon à la Ste. Ménéhould"--"Patés de sanglier"--"Patés à la gelée de volailles"--"Les cannelons de crème glacée." It was too much for his simple heart, and laying down the scarlet-bound volume in disgust, he cried to the waiter, "Here, my good man, I shall go back to _first principles_! Give us some beans and bacon!"

THE PRESIDENT AND THE MARSHAL.--486.

A devoted admirer of honest old Abe makes a very severe conundrum upon Marshal Kane. "What two characters in scripture remind us of a certain President in Washington and a certain Marshal in Baltimore?" Give it up, reader? Certainly! "Wicked Kane and righteous Abe L. (Abel)." This, of course, is a delicate allusion to the sons of Adam, who must have been Ameri-cains, since they went to fighting so soon about nothing.

INSINUATING REJOINDER.--487.

"Why don't you get married?" said a young lady to a bachelor acquaintance who was on a visit. "I have been trying for the last ten years to find some one who would be silly enough to take me, and have not yet succeeded," was the reply. "Then you haven't been down our way," was the insinuating rejoinder.

STYLING THE FIRM.--488.

"John, my son," said a doting father, who was about taking him into business, "what shall be the style of the new firm?"--"Well, governor," said the youth, "I don't know--but suppose we have it John H. Samplin and Father?" The old gentleman was struck with the originality of the idea, but didn't adopt it.

A REMARKABLE CHAMBER-MAID.--489.

A notice in an American newspaper of a steamboat explosion ended as follows:--"The captain swam ashore; so did the chamber-maid. She was insured for 15,000 dollars, and loaded with iron."

SAVING THE TRUTH.--490.

"Do you mean to insinuate that I lie, sir?" exclaimed a fierce-looking, mustachioed gentleman to a raw Yankee, who hinted some slight scepticism as to one of his toughest statements. "No, mister, not at all--only it kind o' strikes me that you are 'tarnal savin' of truth."

NIGGER EXPLANATION.--491.

"Where is the hoe, Sambo?"--"Wid de rake, massa."--"Well, where is the rake?"--"Wid de hoe."--"But where are they both?"--"Why, bof togeder. By golly, old massa, you 'pears to be berry 'ticular dis mornin'."

A JEW D'ESPRIT.--492.

Mr. Noah, a Jew, was a candidate for the office of sheriff of the city of New York, and it was objected to his election that a Jew would thus come to have the hanging of Christians. "Pretty Christians, indeed," remarked Noah, "to need hanging!"

CUFF'S CABIN.--493.

A gentleman riding through Virginia was overtaken by a violent thunder-storm. He took shelter in a negro's cabin, and found the water streaming through many crevices in the roof. "Why don't you mend your roof, Cuff?" he asked. "Oh, um rain so, maussa, 'can't," said the negro. "But why don't you mend it when it doesn't rain?" asked the gentleman. "Yah, maussa," said the negro, with a grin, "den um dohn want mendin'."

SMALL WAISTS AND TIGHT LACING.--494.

"MY dear girls," said the preacher, "I like to see a small waist as well as anybody, and females with hour-glass shapes suit my fancy better than your Dutch-churn, soap-barrel, slab-sided sort of figures; but I don't want to give the credit to corsets."--_Dow's Sermons._

THACKERAY AND THE PIRATE'S DAUGHTER.--495.

Shortly after his first landing in America, Thackeray was invited to dinner by one of the Messrs. Harper, the well-known publishing firm, whose magazine, _Harper's Monthly_, is a deliberate compilation from all the best English periodicals. On his introduction to Mr. Harper, Thackeray had joked with him on the American contempt for copyright; and when he went into the drawing-room he took a little girl, whom he found playing there, on his knee, and gazing at her with feigned wonder, said in solemn tones, "And this is a pirate's daughter!"

GENERAL MEADE TO GENERAL LEE.--496.

The following lines were found in a Confederate soldier's note-book, on the camping-ground near Breckenridge's head-quarters, before Washington, July 17, 1864:--

Quoth Meade to Lee-- Can you tell me, In the shortest style of writing, When people will Get their fill Of this big job of fighting?

Quoth Lee to Meade-- Why, yes, indeed, I'll tell you in a minute: When legislators And speculators Are made to enter in it.

ADOPTING THE OTHER COURSE.--497.

The following advertisement appears in a California paper:--"Wanted, by a blackguard, employment of any kind, temporary or otherwise. The advertiser having hitherto conducted himself as a gentleman, and signally failed, of which his hopeless state of impecuniosity is the best proof, is induced to adopt the other course, in the hope that he may meet with better success. No objection to up country. Terms moderate."

A WHALE AT PEAS.--498.

The dinner was a capital one, and Judge Tips played an excellent knife and fork. A dish of peas came round, the last of the marrowfats; the latest peas of summer. I am very fond of peas, and was rejoiced to see my favourites once again; and I anxiously awaited their arrival. Miss Tips, Miss Julia Tips, and Tips _mère_, as the French would say, had each taken a decorous spoonful from the flying dish, and now the black waiter was offering the delicacy to Tips himself, enough being left for five persons, at least. What was my horror to behold the judge deliberately monopolize the whole--sweep, as I live, every pea into his own plate--and then turning to me, with a greasy smile, remark: "I guess, stranger, I'm a whale at peas."

A TEARFUL RESPONSE.--499.

"Does the razor take hold well?" inquired a barber, who was shaving a gentleman from the country. "Yes," replied the customer, with tears in his eyes, "it takes hold first-rate, but it don't let go very easily."

A PRETENDED PELHAM.--500.

A gentleman crossing one of the New York ferries was accosted by one of those peripatetic vendors of cheap literature and weekly newspapers, who are to be found in shoals about such public places, with "Buy Bulwer's last work, sir? Only two shillin'." The gentleman, willing to have a laugh with the urchin, said: "Why, I am Bulwer, myself!" Off went the lad, and whispering to another at a distance, excited his wonderment at the information he had to impart. Eyeing the pretended author of "Pelham" with a kind of awe, he approached him timidly, and, holding out a pamphlet, said, modestly: "Buy the 'Women of England,' sir? You're not Mrs. Ellis, are you?" Of course, the proposed sale was effected.

DINNER, BUT NO BREAKFAST.--501.

A gentleman was stopping at the plantation of a friend in Georgia, and for his benefit a social fishing party was got up to go to some river, a few hours' drive in the country. The party made a very early start in the morning, and it so happened that a venerable old "uncle" of extreme African descent, who was selected to drive them out, missed his breakfast in the hurry and bustle of departure. This disagreeable circumstance rendered the old darky very crusty and melancholy during the entire morning; but at early noon the party adjourned to a country tavern on the river bank, and had a good dinner, and the old "general" was not slow to seek some alimentary compensation for the loss of his matin meal. It was taken for granted that the old gent's good humour would be restored by the dinner, but it was soon noticed that he continued to remain "blue" and sorrowful, and, being surprised thereat, his master asked him why he was still so cross, since he had had so good a dinner. The old darky replied: "Yes, massa, me know I'se had me dinnah, but me habn't had no brekfuss yet, nohow."

THE LOAFER'S HAT.--502.

"I say, John, where did you get that loafer's hat?" "Please your honour," said John, "it's an old one of yours, that missus gave me yesterday, when you were in town."

THE DEBT OF NATURE.--503.

An impertinent editor in Alabama, says a paper, wants to know when we "intend to pay 'the debt of Nature?'" We are inclined to think that when Nature gets her dues from him it will be by an _execution_.

A BLACK BULL.--504.

At a coloured ball the following notice was posted on the door-post:--"Tickets, fifty cents. No gemmen admitted unless he comes himself."

A NEW DISH.--505.

Pete Johnson was a tall, green, raw-boned country negro, and knew nothing of city life or polished society. Recently he became tired of tilling the soil by the month, journeyed to the metropolis, and let himself as a waiter on board a steamer which plies up and down the Sound on the New York, Norwich, and Boston line. As is customary with new waiters, in order to train them to ease, and give them the necessary polish and experience, he was required at first to attend the officers' tables exclusively. But one evening, after a few weeks' service, there came a great rush of passengers, and, of course, the supper-room was thronged. Pete was sent to the public tables for the first time. He got along very well until a guest called for an omelet. This was a new dish to the green waiter, but he thought he understood the order correctly, and with his usual gravity, stepped up to the kitchen door and cried out, "An almanac!"

THE LAST COMPLIMENT.--506.

A story is told of a very polite sheriff and a very polite criminal. "Sir," said the culprit, as the sheriff was carefully adjusting the rope, "really your attention deserves my thanks; in fact, I do not know anybody I should rather have hang me." "Really," said the sheriff, "you are pleased to be complimentary. I do not know of another individual it would give me so much pleasure to hang."

PRECEPT AND PRACTICE.--507.

Dr. Channing had a brother a physician, and at one time they both dwelt in Boston. A countryman was in search of the doctor. The following dialogue ensued:--"Does Dr. Channing live here?"--"Yes, sir." "Can I see him?"--"I am he." "Who, you?"--"Yes, sir." "You must have altered considerably since I heard you preach."--"Heard me preach?" "Certainly! you are the Dr. Channing that preaches, ain't you?"--"Oh! I see you are mistaken now; 'tis my brother who preaches; I'm the doctor who practises."

A FAIR RETORT.--508.

Mr. Cobden, in one of his speeches, said that he once asked an enthusiastic American lady why her country could not rest satisfied with the immense unoccupied territories it already possesses, but must ever be lusting after the lands of its neighbours. Her somewhat remarkable reply was, "Oh! the propensity is a very bad one, I admit; but we came honestly by it, for we inherited it from you."

DR. FRANKLIN.--509.

The town of Franklin, in Massachusetts, was named in honour of Benjamin Franklin, the printer philosopher. While in France, a gentleman in Boston wrote to him of the fact, and added, that as the town was building a meeting-house, perhaps he would give them a bell. Franklin wrote the characteristic reply, that he presumed that the good people of F. would prefer sense to sound, and therefore he would give them a library. This he did, and the library is now in good condition, and has been of great service to the intelligent people of that pleasant town.

REASONABLE INSTINCT.--510.

A dog, which had lost the whole of her interesting family, was seen trying to poke a piece of crape through the handle of the door of one of the sausage shops in this city.

DANIEL WEBSTER'S COURTSHIP.--511.

The manner of Daniel Webster's engagement to Miss Fletcher is thus pleasantly described by a letter writer:--"He was then a young lawyer. At one of his visits to Miss Grace Fletcher he had, probably with a view of utility and enjoyment, been holding skeins of silk thread for her, when suddenly he stopped, saying, 'Grace, we have thus been engaged in untying knots, let us see if we can tie a knot; one which will not untie for a lifetime.' He then took a piece of tape, and after beginning a knot of a peculiar kind gave it her to complete. This was the ceremony and ratification of their engagement. And now in the little box marked by him with the words 'precious documents,' containing the letters of his early courtship, this unique memorial is still to be found--the knot never untied."

PRESENTED AT COURT.--512.

An American who had returned from Europe, told his friend that he had been presented at the court there. "Did you see the Queen?" asked one. "Well, no, I didn't see her zacly, but I seed one of her friends--a judge. Yer see," he continued, "the court I was presented at happened to be the Central Criminal Court."

CRITICAL.--513.

A Western critic, in speaking of a new play, says:--"The unities are admirably observed; the dulness, which commences with the first act, never flags for a moment until the curtain falls."

HARD FEATHERS.--514.

An American sitting on a very hard seat in a railway carriage, said, "Wal, they tell me these here cushions air stuffed with feathers. They may have put the feathers in 'em, but darn me if _I don't think they've left the fowls in too_!"

SNORING IN CHURCH.--515.

The _Boston Bee_ contains the following polite hint:--"Deacon ---- is requested not to commence snoring in church to-morrow morning until after the commencement of the sermon, as several of the congregation are anxious to hear the text."

PROFESSOR EVERETT AND JUDGE STORY.--516.

Professor Everett, once the American ambassador to this country, was entertained at a public dinner before leaving Boston. Judge Story gave as a sentiment--"Genius is sure to be welcome where Ever-ett goes." Everett responded--"Law, Equity, and Jurisprudence: no efforts can raise them above one Story."

LOVE-LETTER INK.--517.

An ingenious down-easter, who has invented a new kind of "love-letter ink," which he has been selling as a safeguard against all actions for breach of promise of marriage, in so much as it entirely fades from the paper in two months after date, was recently "done brown" by a brother down-easter, who purchased a hundred boxes of the article, and gave him his note for 90 days. At the expiration of the time, the ink inventor called for payment, but, on unfolding the scrip, found nothing but a blank piece of paper. The note had been written with his own ink.

A ROUGH BEDFELLOW.--518.

A man in Arkansas had been drinking until a late hour at night, and then started for home in a state of sweet obliviousness. Upon reaching his own premises he was too far gone to discover any door to the domicile he was wont to inhabit, and, therefore, laid himself down in a shed which was a favourite rendezvous for swine. They happened to be out when the new comer arrived, but soon returned to their bed. The weather being rather cold, they, in the utmost kindness, and with the truest hospitality, gave their biped companion the middle of the bed, some lying on either side of him, and others acting the part of quilt. Their warmth prevented him from being injured by exposure. Towards morning he awoke. Finding himself comfortable, in blissful ignorance of his whereabouts, he supposed himself enjoying the accommodation of a tavern, in company with other gentlemen. He reached out his hand, and catching hold of the stiff bristles of an old hog, exclaimed: "Hallo, my good friend, you've got a deuce of a beard! When did you shave last?"

NEW, IF NOT TRUE.--519.

In one of the Northern States of America, according to veracious authority, the pious young women established an association which they styled "The Young Women's Anti-young-men-waiting-at-the-church-doors-with-ulterior-objects Society." (We suppose this must be founded on the model of "The Anti-poking-your-nose-into-other-people's-business Society," in London.)

TRUE, IF NOT NEW.--520.

A burnt child hates the fire, but a man who has been singed by Cupid's torch always has a sneaking kindness for the old flame.

CURING TWO AFFLICTIONS.--521.

An American secretary of state had two afflictions--an obliging doorkeeper and a pertinacious office-hunter. Day after day the latter called, and the former was too polite to shut him out. The secretary, when he could stand the nuisance no longer, said to the doorkeeper: "Do you know what that man comes after?" "Yes," replied the functionary, "an office, I suppose." "True, but do you know what office?" "No." "Well, then, I'll tell you; he wants your office." The bore was admitted no more.

PLAIN SPOKEN.--522.

"Facts are stubborn things," said a lawyer to a female witness under examination. The lady replied: "Yes, _sir-ee_, and so are women; and if you get anything out of me just let me know it."--"You'll be committed for contempt."--"Very well; I'll suffer justly, for I feel the utmost contempt for every lawyer present."

POPPING THE QUESTION.--523.

A bachelor, too poor to get married, yet too susceptible to let the girls alone, was riding with a lady "all of a summer's day," and accidentally--(men's arms, awkward things, are ever in the way!)--dropped an arm round her waist. No objection was made for a while, and the arm gradually relieved the side of the carriage of the pressure upon it. But of a sudden, whether from a late recognition of the impropriety of the thing, or the sight of another beau coming, never was known, the lady started with volcanic energy, and with a flashing eye exclaimed: "Mr. B., I can support myself!"--"Capital," was the instant reply, "you are just the girl I have been looking for these five years--will you marry me?"

A GEM.--524.

At a lecture of Bayard Taylor's a lady wished for a seat, when a portly, handsome gentleman brought one, and seated her. "Oh, you're a jewel," said she. "Oh, no," he replied, "I'm a jeweller--I have just _set_ the jewel!"

THINGS I SHOULD LIKE TO SEE.--525.

A fashionable bootmaker who was not "from Paris."

A gentleman who was not a self-constituted inspector of ladies' bonnet-linings.

A male pedestrian divorced from his cane who knew what to do with his hands.

A man who could hold an umbrella properly over a lady's bonnet; or put on her cloak, or shawl, without crushing her bonnet, or hair; or diet himself when he was ailing; or take physic that did not "taste good;" or be good-natured when he was sick, or had cut his chin in shaving, or had to wait ten minutes for his dinner or breakfast; or who was ever "refused" by a lady.

A bachelor whose carpet did not wear out _first_ in front of the looking-glass.

A male author who could successfully counterfeit a feminine letter.

An editor, or author, who did not feel nervous at the idea of examining trunk-linings and parcel wrappers.

A handsome child who did not grow up to be homely.

A woman who was not _at heart_ inimical to her own sex.

A married man who could give the right hand of fellowship to a wife's old lover; or take a hint from the toe of her slipper, under the table, before company.

A milliner who could be bribed to make a bonnet to cover the head.

A dressmaker who did not consider a "perfect fit" to consist in an armour of whalebone and a breathless squeeze.

A husband's relatives who could speak well of his wife.

A doctor who had not more patients than he could attend to.

A washerwoman who ever lost an article of clothing.

A public speaker who did not search for the lost thread of his discourse in the convenient tumbler of water at his elbow.

A woman who would not feign to be "so fond of cigar-smoke," rather than exile the smoker.

An old maid who was not so from choice.

FANNY FERN.

QUESTION FOR QUESTION.--526.

Franklin was once asked, "What is the use of your discovery of atmospheric electricity?" The philosopher answered the question by another, "What is the _use_ of a new-born infant?"

THE YANKEE.--527.

"No matter where his home may be-- What flag may be unfurl'd! He'll manage by some _cute_ device, To _whittle_ through the world."

--_Miss Allin's "Home Ballads."_

TRUE POLITENESS.--528.

Sir W. G., when Governor of Williamsburgh, returned the salute of a negro who was passing. "Sir," said a gentleman, present, "do you descend to salute a slave?" "Why, yes," replied the Governor, "I cannot suffer a man of his condition to _exceed_ me in _good manners_."

A "DISTANT" FRIEND.--529.

Meeting a negro on the road, a traveller said: "You have lost some of your friends, I see?" "Yes, massa." "Was it a _near_ or distant relative?" "Well, purty distant--_'bout twenty-four mile_," was the reply.

JONATHAN OF ALL TRADES.--530.

The editor of the _Boston Daily Star_, in relinquishing his charge, gave the following notice:--"Any one wishing corn hoed, gardens weeded, wood sawed, coal pitched in, paragraphs written, or small jobs done with despatch, and on reasonable terms, will please make immediate application to the retiring editor."

MUCH VIRTUE IN AN "IF."--531.

"If you can only get kit rid of them little failings" (blindness and deafness), said one Yankee to another, "you'll find him all sorts of a horse."

THE SCHOOLMASTER ABROAD.--532.

A Californian gold-digger, having become rich, desired a friend to procure for him a library of books. The friend obeyed, and received a letter of thanks thus worded:--"I am obliged to you for the pains of your selection. I particularly admire a grand religious poem about Paradise, by a Mr. Milton, and a set of plays (quite delightful) by a Mr. Shakespeare. _If these gentlemen should write and publish anything more, be sure and send me their new works._"

ANSWERING AN ADVERTISEMENT.--533.

A merchant advertising for a clerk, "who could bear confinement," received an answer from one who had been ten years in the State prison!

THE LOVERS' LEAP.--534.

Mr. Dickens tells an American story of a young lady who, being intensely loved by five young men, was advised to "jump overboard, and marry the man who jumped in after her." Accordingly, next morning, the five lovers being on deck, and looking very devotedly at the young lady, she plunged into the sea head foremost. Four of the lovers immediately jumped in after her. When the young lady and four lovers were out again, she says to the captain, "What am I to do with them now, they are so wet?" "Take the _dry one_." And the young lady did, and married him.

COMPLIMENTARY.--535.

She was all sorts of a gal--there warn't a sprinklin' too much of her; she had an eye that would make a fellow's heart try to get out of his bosom; her step was as light as a panther's, and her breath sweet as a prairie flower.

CUTTING.--536.