Part 13

One of the happiest witticisms on record is related by the Boston correspondent of the _Cincinnati Gazette_:--"I heard the other day of a _bon mot_ made by Longfellow, the poet. Young Mr. Longworth, from your city, being introduced to him, some one present remarked upon the similarity of the first syllable of the two names. 'Yes,' said the poet, 'but in this case I fear Pope's line will apply:--

"_Worth_ makes the man, the want of it the _fellow_."'"

NOVEL PROPOSITION.--429.

It is proposed to light the streets of a Western city with red-headed girls. In noticing the fact, a contemporary says, he'd like to play tipsy every night, and hang hold of the lamp-posts.

INTERESTING ANNOUNCEMENT.--430.

It is with feelings too deep for utterance, and a sense of obligation overwhelming, and of worldly consequence never before experienced, and with a heartfelt ecstacy heretofore not even dreamed of, that the junior editor of this paper announces to his friends, and the rest of mankind, that a son was born unto him on the morning of Friday last. A general reprieve is granted to all political offenders, and an earnest appeal made to those in pecuniary arrears to liquidate at the earliest convenience, as the young gentleman must be fed and clothed.

EXCUSE FOR DRINKING.--431.

A lady made her husband a present of a silver drinking cup, with an angel at the bottom; and when she filled it for him he used to drink it to the bottom, and she asked him why he drank every drop. "Because, duckey," he said, "I long to see the dear little angel." Upon which she had the angel taken out, and had a devil engraved at the bottom; and he drank it off just the same, and she again asked him the reason. "Why," replied he, "because I won't leave the old devil a drop."

TIGHT-FISTED.--432.

The account comes to us of a young man who attends church regularly, and clasps his hands so tight during praying time that he can't get them open when the contribution box comes round.

EDITORS' WIVES WIELDING THE BROOM.--433.

An editor says his attention was first drawn to matrimony by the skilful manner in which a pretty girl handled a broom. A brother editor says the manner in which his wife handles a broom is not so very pleasing.

THE WRONG WOMAN.--434.

A Jersey man was lately arrested for flogging a woman, and excused the act by saying he was near-sighted, and thought it was his wife.

A JOKE BY THE PRESIDENT.--435.

"How do you do, Mr. Lincoln?" "Well, that reminds me of a story. As the labourer said to the bricklayer, after falling through the roof and rafters of an unfinished house, I have gone through a great deal since you saw me last."

WISE LAWS--BY SAM SLICK.--436.

If a woman was to put a Bramah lock on her heart, a skilful man would find his way into it, if he wanted to, I know. That contrivance is set to a particular word; find the letters that compose it, and it opens at once.

If a man's sensibility is all in his palate, he can't, of course, have much in his heart.

I tell you what, President, says I, seein' is believin', but it aint them that stare the most who see the best always.

Thunderin' long words aint wisdom, and stopping a critter's mouth is more apt to improve his wind than his onderstandin'.

Swapping facts is better than swapping horses any time.

Providence requires three things of us before it will help us--a stout heart, a strong arm, and a stiff upper lip.

Hope is a pleasant acquaintance, but an unsafe friend. It'll do on a pinch for a travellin' companion, but he is not the man for your banker.

"Don't care" won't bear friendship for fruit, and "don't know, I'm sure," won't ripen it.

What a pity it is marryin' spoils courtin'.

There's no pinnin' up a woman in a corner, unless she wants to be caught, that's a fact.

Consait grows as nateral as the hair on one's head, but it's longer in comin' out.

People have no right to make fools of themselves, unless they have no relations to blush for them.

It 'aint every change that's a reform, that's a fact, and reforms 'aint always improvements.

Blushin' for others is the next thing to taking a kicking from them.

A DOUBLE DIFFICULTY.--437.

An anti-slavery man says what the Southern Confederacy wants is the capitol, and what they can't get to take it with is the capital.

WITH A QUILL.--438.

A Mr. Hen has started a new paper in Iowa. He says he hopes by hard scratching to make a living for himself and his little chickens.

DOUBTFUL.--439.

After asking your name in the State of Arkansas, the natives are in the habit of saying, in a confidential tone, "Well, now, what war yer name before yer moved to these parts?"

THE LETTER S.--440.

A writer says the Americans will always have more cause to remember the S than any other letter in the alphabet, because it is the beginning of secession, and the end of Jeff. Davis.

NONSENSE ABOUT LOVE.--441.

What nonsense people talk about love, don't they? Sleepness nights, broken dreams, beatin' hearts, pale faces, a pinin' away to shaders, fits of absence, loss of appetite, narvous flutterin's, and all that. I haven't got the symptoms, but I'll swear to the disease. Folks take this talk, I guess, from poets; and they are miserable, mooney sort of critters; half mad and whole lazy, who would rather take a day's dream than a day's work any time, and catch rhymes as niggers catch flies, to pass time; hearts and darts; cupid and stupid; purlin' streams and pulin' dreams, and so on. It's all bunkum!--_Sam Slick._

WONDERFUL.--442.

An exchange, recording the fall of a person into the river, says:--"It is a wonder he escaped with his life." Prentice says: "Wouldn't it have been a still greater wonder if he had escaped without it?"

HARD UP.--443.

Jersey man (entering a dentist's store): "Air yeou a doctor, sir?"--Dentist: "Yes. Can I do anything for you?"--Jersey man: "Wall, no; I guess not in the way of physic. I've jest called to see if yeou don't want to buy some real, genuine, sound teeth?"--Dentist: "Well, I might want them; have you many?"--Jersey man: "I calkilate I can't say I have more'n a few, myself; but our Sal sez she has got some she'll sell, if I can strike a good bargain."--Dentist, having thought for some time, names a price, and the countryman consents.--Jersey man (taking a seat, and coolly spreading himself out): "Wall, I guess yeou may draw a dozen for the present, and I'll bring Sal to-morrow."--Dentist (looking aghast): "Why, you don't mean to sell your own teeth? They're of no use to me."--Jersey man: "Why, look here, they're no airthly use to Sal and me; for what's the use of teeth when one's nothing to eat?"

MILITARY TACTICS.--444.

The stratagems resorted to by the soldiers at Cairo, to smuggle liquor into their quarters, were often amusing. One day a man started out with his coffee-pot for milk. On his return, an officer suspecting him to have whisky in his can, wished to examine it, and the man satisfied him by pouring out milk. At night there was a general drunk in that soldier's quarters, ending in a fight. It was at last discovered that the man had put a little milk into the spout of his can, sealing the inside with bread, and filling the can with whisky.

SETTLING THE WINE BILL.--445.

An officer staying at a hotel in Washington, on asking for his bill one morning, found that a quart of wine was charged when he had but a pint. He took exceptions to the item. Landlord was incorrigible: said there never was any mistake about the wine bills. Officer paid it, and went to his room to pack his carpet-bag. Having made purchases, his bag was too full to let in an extra pair of boots. Landlord was sent for--came. Says the officer, "I can't get these boots into this d----d bag."--Landlord: "If you can't, I am sure I can't."--Officer: "Yes you can; for a man who can put a quart of wine into a pint bottle can put these boots into that bag." Landlord laughed heartily, cancelled the whole bill, and returned the amount.

SMILES.--446.

What a sight there is in that word--smile; for it changes colour like a chameleon. There's a vacant smile, a cold smile, a smile of approbation, a friendly smile; but, above all, a smile of love. A woman has two smiles that an angel might envy--the smile that accepts the lover before words are uttered, and the smile that lights on the first-born baby, and assures him of a mother's love.--_Sam Slick._

FORLORN HOPE.--447.

An old maid, who had her eye a little sideways on matrimony, says:--"The curse of this war is, that it will make so many widows, who will be fierce to get married, and who know how to do it. Modest girls will stand no chance at all."

ARTISTIC EXECUTION.--448.

A man out West, who had a brother hanged, informed his friends in the East that his "brother on a recent occasion addressed a large public meeting, and just as he finished, the platform on which he stood gave way, and he fell and broke his neck."

TALKING MATCH.--449.

A talking match lately came off for five dollars a side. It continued for thirteen hours, the rivals being a Frenchman and a Kentuckian. The bystanders and judges were talked to sleep, and when they awoke in the morning they found the Frenchman dead, and the Kentuckian whispering in his ear.

KISSING BY PROXY.--450.

One of the deacons of a certain church in Virginia asked the Bishop if he usually kissed the bride at weddings? "Always," was the reply. "And how do you manage when the happy pair are negroes?" was the next question. "In all such cases," replied the Bishop, "the duty of kissing the lady is appointed to the deacons."

EFFECTIVE REMONSTRANCE.--451.

One of the boys at Camp Noble, Indiana, was put on guard one night, and reported to his captain in the morning that "He was abused by a fellow because he would not allow him to pass." "Well," said the captain, "what did you do?" "Do? why I remonstrated with him." "And to what effect?" "Well, I don't know to what effect, but the barrel of my gun is bent."

LATEST DOG STORY.--452.

Two dogs fell to fighting in a saw-mill. In the course of the tustle one dog went plump against a saw in rapid motion, which cut him in two instanter. The hind legs ran away, but the fore legs continued the fight, and whipped the other dog.

A NOTE BY THE EDITOR.--453.

The editor of a Western paper owes a bank about 1000 dollars, for which they hold his note. The defaulting wag announces it thus in his paper:--"There is a large collection of the autographs of distinguished individuals deposited for safe keeping in the cabinet of the Farmers and Merchants' Bank, each accompanied with a 'note' in the handwriting of the autographist. We learn that they have cost the bank a great deal of money. They paid over a thousand dollars of ours. We hope great care is taken to preserve those capital and _interest_-ing relics, as, should they be lost, we doubt whether they could be easily collected again. Should the bank, however, be so unfortunate as to lose ours, we'll let them have another at half price, in consequence of the very hard times."

DISCONSOLATE.--454.

A disconsolate widower, seeing the remains of his late wife lowered into the grave, exclaimed, with tears in his eyes, "Well, I've lost hogs, and I've lost cows, but I never had anything that cut me up like this."

INDUCEMENT UNNECESSARY.--455.

They say that woman caused man to commit his first sin. But if she hadn't induced him to sin in eating, no doubt he would very soon have sinned of his own accord in drinking.

PRETENCE.--456.

Pretend you know, and half the time, if it aint as good as knowin', it will sarve the same purpose. Many a feller looks fat who is only swelled, as the Germans say.--_Sam Slick._

"OPEN THY CUPBOARD TO ME."--457.

All lonely and drear is the street, love; The "watch" is asleep on his "beat," love, And I'm dying for something to eat, love; So open thy cupboard to me.

Get up from that warm feather bed, love, And bake us a cone of "corn bread," love, For I wish very much to be fed, love; So open thy cupboard to me.

Oh, hasten thy lover to cram, love, With a slice of cold turkey or ham, love, For deucedly hungry I am, love; So open thy cupboard to me.

The stars are beginning to "wink," love; 'Tis the hour for "snacks" and for "drink," love. You've a jug of old whisky, I think, love; So open thy cupboard to me.

The moon will be down before long, love, And the "night-bird" is singing his song, love; How plainly he says "mix it strong," love, And open thy cupboard to me.

My feet are all wet with the dew, love, And there's nothing so nice as "hot stew," love: Then get up and make it, pray do, love, And open thy cupboard to me.

The chickens are crowing for day, love, And I must soon hurry away, love; Then list to thy lover's last lay, love, And open thy cupboard to me.

NATUR'S BALANCES.--458.

Them that have more than their share of one thing, commonly have less of another. Where there is great strength, there 'aint apt to be much gumption. A handsome man, in a gineral way, 'aint much of a man. A beautiful bird seldom sings. Them that have genius have seldom common sense. A feller with one idea grows rich, while he who calls him a fool dies poor. The world is like a baked meat pie; the upper crust is rich, dry, and puffy; the lower crust is heavy, doughy, and underdone; the middle is not bad generally, but the smallest part of all is that which flavours the whole.--_Sam Slick._

AN EPIGRAM ON PRESIDENT LINCOLN.--459.

_By the Manes of the Murdered Murray._

Abe L. is an able President, His mind has a mighty reach; Search all our cities and marts, You won't find a man with better parts, Excepting his parts of speech!

AMERICAN SOIL--ITS NATURAL RICHNESS.--460.

I took a handful of guano, that elixir of vegetation, and sowed a few cucumber seeds in it. Well, sir, I was considerable tired when I had done it, and so I just took a stretch for it under a great pine-tree, and took a nap. Stranger! as true as I am talking to you this here blessed minute, when I woke up, I was bound as tight as a sheep going to market on a butcher's cart, and tied fast to a tree. I thought I should never get out of that scrape; the cucumber vines had so grown and twisted round, and wound me and my legs while I was asleep! Fortunately, one arm was free, so I got out my jack knife, opened it with my teeth, and cut myself out, and off for Victoria again, hot foot. When I came into the town, says our captain to me, "Peabody, what in natur is that ere great yaller thing that's a sticking out of your pocket?" "Nothin'," sais I, looking as mazed as a puppy nine days old, when he first opens his eyes, and takes his first stare. Well, I put in my hand to feel, and I pulled out a great big ripe cucumber, a foot long, that had ripened and gone to seed there.--_Sam Slick._

JOHN AND THE WIDDAH.--461.

It a'n't the feed--said the young man John--it's the old woman's looks when a fellah lays it in too strong. The feed's well enough. After geese have got tough, 'n' turkeys have got strong, 'n' lamb's got old, 'n' veal's pretty nigh beef, 'n' sparragrass's growin' tall 'n' slim, 'n' scattery about the head, 'n' peas are gettin' so big 'n' hard, they'd be dangerous if you fired them out of a revolver, we get hold of all them delicacies of the season. But it's too much like feedin' on live folks, and devourin' widdah's substance, to lay yourself out in the eatin' way, when a fellah's as hungry as the chap that said a turkey was too much for one, 'n' not enough for two. I can't help lookin' at the old woman. Corned-beef days she's tolerable calm; roastin'-days she worries some, 'n' keeps a sharp eye on the chap that carves. But when there's anything in the poultry line, it seems to hurt her feelin's so to see the knife goin' into the breast, and joints comin' to pieces, that ther's no comfort in eatin'. When I cut up an old fowl, and help the boarders, I always feel as if I ought to say, "Won't you have a slice of widdah?" instead of chicken.--_Oliver Wendell Holmes._

STRIKING RESEMBLANCE.--462.

An American, speaking of his niggers, said: "Cæsar and Pompey are so much alike that you can't tell the one from the other, _'specially Pompey_."

UNDOUBTED COURAGE.--463.

"Sambo, you nigger, are you afraid of work?" "Bress you, massa, I no 'fraid of work; I'll lie down and go asleep close by him side."

A SIMILE.--464.

A jeweller in Philadelphia advertises that he has a number of precious stones to dispose of, adding that they sparkle like the tears of a young widow.

FIVE OUTS AND ONE IN.--465.

A poor Yankee, upon being asked the nature of his distress, replied that he had "five outs and one in:" to wit, "_out_ of money and _out_ of clothes; _out_ at the heels and _out_ at the toes; _out_ of credit, and _in_ debt."

SAM SLICK'S DESCRIPTION OF A TEETOTALLER.--466.

I once travelled through all the States of Maine with one of them air chaps. He was as thin as a whippin' post. His skin looked like a blown bladder, after some of the air has leaked out--kinder wrinkled and rumpled like; and his eye as dim as a lamp that's livin' on a short allowance of ile. He put me in mind of a pair of kitchen tongs--all legs, shaft, and head, and no belly; real gander-gutted lookin' crittur; as holler as a bamboo walking-cane, and twice as yaller. He actilly looked as if he had been picked off a raft at sea, and dragged through a gimlet hole.

ECLIPSING HIMSELF.--467.

A Virginian tavern keeper going down to his wine cellar, by mistake went down his own throat. He did not discover the error he had committed until the candle he carried was blown out by the first inspiration he took. He described it as being very difficult to find his way up again in the dark.

FAMILIAR ACQUAINTANCE.--468.

An aboriginal American was asked if he had known the Bishop of Quebec? "Yes, yes." "And how did you like him?" "Oh, vastly!" "But how did you happen to know him?" "Happen to know him! _Why, I ate a piece of him._"

PRESIDENT LINCOLN'S FIRST POLITICAL SPEECH.--469.

Abraham Lincoln made his first political speech in 1832, when he was a candidate for the Illinois Legislature. His opponent had wearied the audience by a long speech, leaving Mr. L. but a short time in which to present his views. He condensed all he had to say into a few words, as follows--"Gentlemen, Fellow-citizens: I presume you all know who I am. I am humble Abraham Lincoln. I have been solicited by many friends to become a candidate for the Legislature. My politics are short and sweet, like an old woman's dance. I am in favour of a national bank. I am in favour of the internal improvement system, and a high protective tariff. These are my sentiments and political principles. If elected, I shall be thankful; if not, it will be all the same."

TAKE CARE OF YOUR BAGGAGE.--470.

Travellers should be careful to entrust their baggage to proper persons only, as a gentleman, not long ago, on alighting from the train at Washington, entrusted his wife to a stranger, and she has not been heard of since.

AMERICAN COMPETITION.--471.

It is in the nature of an American, says one, to be always in fear lest his neighbour should arrive before him. If one hundred Americans were about to be shot, they would fight for precedence, such are their habits of competition.

AMERICAN DEFINITIONS.--472.

_Progress of Time._--A pedler going through the land with wooden clocks.--_Honesty_ (obsolete): A term formerly used in the case of a man who had paid for his newspapers, and the coat on his back.--_Rigid Justice_: A juror in a murder case fast asleep.

TWO THINGS UNEXPECTED.--473.

Josh Billings says: "There air 2 things in this wurld for which we air never fully prepared, and those air twins."

PERPETUAL MOTION.--474.

A New York Paper advertises that the owner of the perpetual motion lately exhibiting at Boston has absconded without paying the man who turned the crank in the cellar.

ARTEMUS WARD ON REORGANIZATION.--475.

Artemus Ward, in one of his letters, thus gives his idea of reorganization:--"I never attempted to reorganize my wife but once. I shall never attempt it again. I'd bin to a public dinner, and had allowed myself to be betrayed into drinkin' several people's health, and wishin' to make 'em as robust as possible, I continued drinkin' their healths until my own became affected. Consekens was, I presented myself at Betsy's bedside late at nite, with considerable licker concealed about my person. I had somehow got perseschum of a hosswhip on my way home, and rememberin' some cranky observashuns of Mrs. Ward's in the morin', I snapt the whip putty lively, and in a very loud voice I said, Betsy--I continued crackin' the whip over the bed--I have come to reorganize you! I dreamed that nite that sumbody laid a hosswhip over me sev'ril conseckootive times; and when I woke up I found _she_ had. I haint drunk much of anythin' since, and if I ever have another reorganizin' job on hand I shall let it out."

A RECEIPT IN FULL.--476.

A German in New York being required to give a receipt in full, after much mental effort produced the following:--"I ish full. I wants no more money. John Swackhammer." Perhaps the sententious Tueton was full of lager beer.

A SUDDEN DECLARATION.--477.

A young gentleman happening to sit at church in a pew adjoining one in which sat a young lady, for whom he conceived a sudden and violent passion, was desirous of entering into a courtship on the spot, but the place not suiting a formal declaration, the exigency of the case suggested the following plan:--He politely handed his fair neighbour a Bible open, with a pin stuck in the following text:--Second Epistle of John, verse fifth--"And now I beseech thee lady, not as though I wrote a new commandment unto thee, but that which we had from the beginning, that we love one another." She returned it pointing to the second chapter of Ruth, verse tenth--"Then she fell on her face and bowed herself to the ground, and said unto him 'Why have I found grace in thine eyes, seeing that I am a stranger?'" He returned the book, pointing to the thirteenth verse of the Third Epistle of St. John--"Having many things to write unto you, I would not write with paper and ink, but I trust to come unto you, and speak face to face, that our joy may be full." From the above interview a marriage took place the ensuing week.

A VOCATION.--478.

"You're a loafer--a man without a calling," said a judge to a person arrested as a vagrant. "I beg your pardon, your honour, I have a vocation." "What is it?" "I smoke glass for eclipses, but just now it is our dull season."

MAJOR DOWNING IN LONDON.--479.

The Queen regretted that she could not invite me to stay to dinner, cause 'twas washin' day in the palace, and they only had a pick-up dinner.

ANY BETTER THAN NONE.--480.

It may be said generally of husbands, as the old woman said of hers, who had abused her to an old maid, who reproached her for being such a fool as to marry him:--"To be sure, he's not so good a husband as he should be, but he's a _powerful sight_ better than none."

A PRINTER'S TOAST.--481.

At a printer's festival the following sentiment was offered:--"Woman, second only to the press in the dissemination of news."

WASHINGTON IRVING.--482.

Washington Irving's characteristic was quiet humour; mild enough, but quaint; as when he said to a gentleman who, in a thunder-storm, declined to take shelter under a tree, having promised to his father, who had been once hit, never to do so: "Oh, that makes all the difference in the world. If it is hereditary, and lightning runs in the family, you are wise."

QUIZZING A WITNESS.--483.