Part 12

A new way of keeping warm has been put in practice with good effect. It is to have a buckwheat cake made large enough to cover the bed-quilt, and spread over it "piping hot" at the time of retiring. When made of sufficient thickness it retains the heat until morning, and if a person is too lazy to get up, he can make a very good breakfast off the edges as he lies.

SHEDDING THEIR LAST DROP OF BLOOD.--389.

"General," said Major Jack Downing, "I always observed that those persons who have a great deal to say about being ready to shed their last drop of blood, are amazin' pertic'lar about the first drop." We have too many of that style of patriots now-a-days.

POINTED RETORT.--390.

A politician was boasting in a public speech that he could bring an argument to a p'int as quick as any other man. "You can bring a quart to a pint a good deal quicker," replied an acquaintance.

THE LETTER R.--391.

The letter R is the embodiment of every American patriot's hope, because it is the end of war and the commencement of reunion.

NOT WILLING TO DIE.--392.

A Jersey man was very sick, and was not expected to recover. His friends got around his bed, and one of them says: "John do you feel willing to die?" John made an effort to give his views on the subject, and answered with his feeble voice: "I--think--I'd rather stay--where--I'm better acquainted."

HER POOR JERRY.--393.

An old woman received a letter from the post-office, at New York. Not knowing how to read, and being anxious to know the contents, supposing it to be from one of her absent sons, she called on a person near to read the letter to her. He accordingly began and read--"Charleston, June 23: Dear mother," then making a stop to find out what followed (as the writing was rather bad), the old lady exclaimed: "_Oh, 'tis my poor Jerry, he always stuttered!_"

TALL TALK.--394.

A Kentuckian was once asked what he considered the boundaries of the United States. "The boundaries of our country, sir?" he replied. "Why, sir, on the north we are bounded by the Aurora Borealis, on the east we are bounded by the rising sun, on the south we are bounded by the procession of the Equinoxes, and on the west by the Day of Judgment."

AN EYE TO BUSINESS.--395.

The Southerners are, of course, not nearly so commercial a race as the Yankees, but still they are much given to "trading" amongst each other. At an hospital in Gettysburg, an artilleryman, whose leg was to be taken off, no sooner knew that the amputation was decided upon by the doctors, than he turned to another wounded man in the next bed, and, before the operation was performed, had "traded" the boot, which was henceforth to be of no use to him.

WHAT A FINE WOMAN IS LIKE.--396.

A fine woman is like a locomotive, because she draws a train after her, scatters the sparks, and transports the males. If there is any one of our hundred thousand readers has anything that can beat the above we will be pleased to hear from him.

TRUTH WANTED.--397.

Two years ago, at the Spring Term of the District Court at Topeka, Kansas, Judge Rush Elmore presiding, a witness was called upon the stand. After being sworn, the counsel for the defence said to the witness--a tall, green specimen, and somewhat embarrassed--"Now, sir, stand up and tell your story like a preacher." "No, _sir_!" roared the judge, "none of that; I want you to tell the _truth_!" Just imagine the sheriff, deputies, and bailiffs trying to keep "order" and "silence."

AN IRISH BULL AT BULL'S RUN.--398.

An Irishman, who was at the celebrated battle of Bull's Run, was somewhat startled when the head of his companion on the left was taken off by a cannon-ball. In a few minutes, however, a spent ball broke off the finger of his comrade on the other side. The latter threw down his gun and howled with pain, when the Irishman rushed upon him, exclaiming, "You owld woman, sthop cryin'! You are making more noise about it than the man who just lost his head!"

STRONG INDUCEMENT TO CLOSE UP.--399.

A Cincinnati paper, in speaking of the overthrow of the rebels at Phillippi, says that just before the Federal troops entered the town, a certain Indiana company, almost worn out with the march, were straggling along with very little regard to order. Hurrying up to his men, the captain shouted, "Close up, close up. _If the enemy were to fire when you're straggling along that way, they couldn't hit a cussed one of you!_ Close up!" And the boys closed up immediately.

STEAM DEFINED.--400.

At a railway station, an old lady said to a very pompous-looking gentleman, who was talking about steam communication: "Pray, sir, what is steam?" "Steam, ma'am, is ah!--steam, is ah! ah! steam is--steam!" "I knew that chap couldn't tell ye," said a rough-looking fellow standing by; "but steam is a bucket of water in a tremendous perspiration."

A "BUS" IN THE CARS.--401.

Friends are in the habit of warmly greeting their acquaintances upon the arrival of passenger cars at some of the railway stations. It was only the other day that a young gentleman rushed through a crowd towards a lady, seized her hand, and gave her a hearty kiss, the smack of which sounded above--we were going to say the ding of dongs; but it is enough to state that the report startled a country lass hard by, who exclaimed to her "feller," "Massy, Josh! what on airth's gev way on the keers?"

HOUSEHOLD WORDS.--402.

Pshaw! Stop your noise! Shut up this minute! I'll box your ears! You hold your tongue! Let me be! Go away! Get out! Behave yourself! I won't! You shall! Never mind! You'll catch it! Don't bother! Come here directly! Put away those things! You'll kill yourself! I don't care! They're mine! Mind your own business! I'll tell ma! You mean thing! There, I told you so! You didn't! You did! I will have it! Oh, see what you have done! 'Twas you! Won't you catch it, though? It's my house! Who's afraid of you? Mah-h-h! Boo, hoo, boo, hoo, oo! What's the matter? Clear out of this room, directly! Do you hear me? Dear me! I never did see in all my born days! It's enough to set one crazy! Would you put a tuck in it? Well, says I! Says he! Says she! Says they! Bless me! No! Hem it all this way round! Three flounces! Gored! Worked crosswise! Trimmed with velvet! Ten yards? Cut bias! Real sweet! Tut! Wal, now!

HIS REASONS FOR LEAVING.--403.

On our trip up the river once we had on board a tall, gaunt-looking volunteer. His appearance not only indicated that he was lately from the hospital, but that it would perhaps have been better for him to have remained there still, for he certainly did not seem to be in a fit condition to travel. He was from Eastern Ohio, and by some strange whim of his comrades (soldiers have odd notions as to name), he had won the cognomen of "Beauregard." He was full of dry humour, and it had a peculiar zest, coming from such a dilapidated specimen of the human kind. I asked him: "How long were you in the hospital at ----?" "I stayed just five days; I couldn't stand it any longer." "Why so? Were you not well treated?" "Well, you see, when I went in there were six patients. The first day they buried one." "Well, what of that?" "Nothing--only the very next day they buried another." "They must have been severe cases, and made it very unpleasant for you." "Unpleasant! I knew my turn would come in time. I went in on Monday, and if I stayed I would be carried out on Saturday. So I made my calculation, and on Friday I packed my knapsack and went away. If I had not, I'd surely been buried on Saturday. Six days--one man each day--could't stand that."

YOUR FARE, MISS.--404.

The most veracious chroniclers of Chicago relate the experience of a young lady from the rural districts of Hoosierdom, who visited the Queen City of the West, accompanied by her particular swain, and took an appreciative view of the "elephant." Getting into one of the city cars for a ride, the maiden took a seat, while the lover planted himself on the platform. The graceful vehicle had sped but a few short blocks, when the beneficent young conductor insinuated himself into the popular chariot, for the purpose of collecting expenses. Approaching the rustic maiden, he said, affably, "Your fare, miss." The Hoosier rosebud allowed a delicate pink to manifest itself on her cheeks, and looked down in soft confusion. The justly popular conductor was rather astonished at this, and ventured to remark once more--"Your fare, miss." This time the pink deepened to carnation, and the maiden fingered her parasol with pretty coquettishness. The conductor really didn't know what to make of this sort of thing, and began to look a little foolish; but as a small boy at the other end of the car began to show signs of a disposition to leave without paying for his ride, the official managed to say once more--"Hem! miss, your fare." In a moment those lovely violet eyes were looking up into his face, through an aurora of blushes, and the rosy lips exclaimed--"Well, they dew say I am good-looking at hum, but I don't see why you want to say it out loud!" It was not a peal of thunder that shook the car just then. Oh, no. It was something that commenced in a general passengerical titter, and culminating in such a shattering guffaw as Western lungs alone are capable of. In the midst of the cachinnatory tempest the "lovyer" came to the rescue of his Doxiana; and when the "pint of the hull thing" was explained to him, his mouth expanded to proportions that might have made Barnum's hippopotamus die of jealousy on the spot. The pair descended from the car amid a salvo of Mirth's artillery, and when last seen were purchasing artificial sweetness at a candy-shop.

AGREEING WITH ALL THE GIRLS.--405.

In a lesson in parsing the sentence, "man, courting capacity of bliss, etc.," the word courting comes to a pert young miss of fourteen to parse. She commenced hesitatingly, but got along well enough until she was to tell what it agreed with. Here she stopped short. But as the teacher said, "Very well, what does courting agree with?" Ellen blushed, and hung down her head. "Ellen, don't you know what that agrees with?" "Ye--ye--yes, sir!" "Well, Ellen, why don't you parse that word? What does it agree with?" Blushing still more, and stammering, Ellen says, "It a-agrees with _all the girls_, sir!"

WHEN THE BOAT STARTED.--406.

A certain green customer, who was a stranger to mirrors, and who stepped into the cabin of one of our ocean steamers, stopping in front of a large pier glass, which he took for a door, said--"I say, mister, when does this here boat start?" Getting no reply from the dumb reflection before him, he again repeated--"I say, mister, when does this here boat start?" Incensed at the still silent figure, he broke out--"You sassafras-coloured, shock-headed bull calf, you don't look as if you knew much anyhow."

THE BLIND PHRENOLOGIST OF ST. LOUIS.--407.

There is a blind phrenologist in St. Louis who is great on examining bumps. A wag or two got one of the distinguished judges, who thinks a great deal of himself, and has a very bald head, which he generally covers with a wig, to go to his rooms one day, and have his head examined. Wags and judge arrive. "Mr. B.," said one, "we have now brought you for examination a head as is a head; we wish to test your science." "Very well," said the phrenologist, "place the head under my hand." "He wears a wig," said one. "Can't examine with that on," replied the professor. Wig was accordingly taken off, and the bald head of the highly-expectant judge was placed under manipulation of the examiner. "What's this? what this?" said the phrenologist; and pressing his hand on the top of the head, he said, somewhat ruffled, "Gentlemen, Heaven has visited me with affliction--I have lost my eyesight--but I am no fool; _you can't pass this off on me for a head_!"

CHASING A LOCOMOTIVE.--408.

A friend who lately indulged in a chase after a locomotive declares it "the silliest thing a sane man can do." This is his account:--"Rushing out from the refreshment-room on the platform, I saw my train moving off 'gradually,' with about seventy-five yards the start. I have been counted a good runner in my time, and for the first hundred yards I gained on it. Then for about a quarter of a mile it was 'nip and tuck,' at the end of which I concluded that steam was more than a match for muscle, and 'caved.' The last I saw of my train it was 'going it' around a curve at the rate of twenty-five miles an hour, the passengers waving their handkerchiefs at me, and cheering vociferously. As I walked sheepishly back to the dépôt, a thought came into my head that it _might_ run off the track in going round the curve at that rate of speed, and I am afraid that I rather encouraged the idea."

THE LATEST WAY.--409.

The latest way to pop the question is to ask a fair lady if you can have the pleasure of seeing her to the minister's.

A GREAT TRAVELLER.--410.

A good story is told of a Washington countryman, who, on his way to Cincinnati, became somewhat elevated by sundry "drinks," but, as good luck would have it, found a boat at the wharf, and was quickly on his way. Soon after leaving the wharf, a man came round for his fare. Horrall handed him out a five-dollar bill, and received four dollars and ninety-five cents in change. He rammed it into his pocket-book with great eagerness, supposing the clerk had made a mistake. That done, he leaned back into his chair and fell asleep. A little while and he was plucked awake by the same man, who again demanded fare. "Discovered the mistake," holding out a handful of change. The man, as before, took only five cents, and Horrall again went into a doze. Ere he had got fairly into dreaming of home and friends far away, around came the collector again, and thus it went on for a long time. At last Horrall thought it very inconvenient, and concluded to vote the collector a nuisance, and give him a bit of advice besides; so he said: "Is (hic) this a da-n-ger (hic) ous (hic) bo-boat?" "By no means," said the man. "Bran new." "Then, by gummy, (hic) why do (hic) don't you collect all the fa (hic) hair at once--not bo-bother a fel (hic) heller for it every mile as it comes due?" "Really," said the man, "where do you think you are going?" "Cincin (hic) hinnati," said Horrall. "Cincinnati," said the polite conductor, "why you must be sadly out of your reckoning. This is the ferry-boat, and all this afternoon you have been riding to and fro between New Albany and Portland."

WHOSE FAULT WAS IT?--411.

A preacher stopped short in a pulpit; it was in vain that he scratched his head--nothing would come out. "My friends," said he, as he walked quietly down the pulpit stairs, "my friends, I pity you, for you have lost a fine discourse."

A MODEST LINENDRAPER.--412.

A dealer in ready-made linen advertises his shirts and chemisettes under the mellifluous appellation of "Male and Female Envelopes."

GONE HOME.--413.

One of the Richmond papers thus pleasantly announces the death of a newspaper man in the Libby prison:--"A Yankee reporter gone home to write up his reports by the fire."

AN INCIDENT AND AN EPIGRAM.--414.

It chanced one evening, at one of the great hotels, that a gentleman, seeking in vain for a candle with which to light himself to his room at a late hour, passed a young lady who had two candles, of which she politely offered him one. He took it and thanked her, and the next morning acknowledged the courtesy in the following epigram. Luckily for the poet (for his epigram would otherwise have been pointless), the young lady was as handsome as she was polite:--

"You gave me a candle: I give you my thanks, And add--as a compliment justly your due-- There isn't a girl in these feminine ranks Who could, if she tried, hold a candle to you!"

JUST GOT MARRIED.--415.

The following amusing incident took place upon one of the Ohio river steamboats:--While the boat was lying at Cincinnati, just ready to start for Louisville, a young man came on board, leading a blushing damsel by the hand, and approaching the polite clerk, in a suppressed voice; "I say," he exclaimed, "me and my wife have just got married, and I'm looking for accommodations." "Looking for a berth?" hastily inquired the clerk--passing tickets out to another passenger. "A _birth_! thunder and lightning, no!" gasped the astonished man; "_we ha'nt but just got married_; we want a place to stay all night, you know, and--and a bed."

KIND AND SYMPATHETIC.--416.

"What is the matter, my dear?" asked a wife of her husband, who had sat half an hour with his face buried in his hands, and apparently in great tribulation. "Oh, I don't know," said he; "I have felt like a fool all day." "Well," returned the wife, consolingly, "I'm afraid you'll never be any better--you look the picture of what you feel!"

HUMAN NATURE.--417.

Some wise man sagely remarked, "there is a good deal of human nature in man." It crops out occasionally in boys. One of the urchins in the school-ship _Massachusetts_, who was quite sick, was visited by a kind lady. The little fellow was suffering acutely, and his visitor asked him if she could do anything for him. "Yes," replied the patient, "read to me." "Will you have a story?" asked the lady. "No," answered the boy; "read from the Bible; read about Lazarus;" and the lady complied. The next day the visit was repeated, and again the boy asked the lady to read. "Shall I read from the Bible?" she inquired. "Oh, no," was the reply, "I'm better to-day; _read me a love story_."

A YOUNG LADY'S SACRIFICE.--418.

A young lady has been heard to declare that she couldn't go to fight for the country, but she was willing to allow the young men to go, and die an _old maid_, which she thought was as great a sacrifice as _anybody_ could be called upon to make!

POETRY AND PROSE.--419.

A country editor, referring to Tupper's line, "A babe in the house is a well-spring of pleasure," says, "If it is we prefer to get water from the pump."

DANIEL WEBSTER AND HIS BILLS.--420.

Our readers are aware that the late Hon. Daniel Webster was not so careful in his pecuniary matters as some men, and this fault was at times taken advantage of. At one time a man sawed a pile of wood for him, and, having presented his bill, it was promptly paid by Mr. Webster. The labourer was taken ill during the winter, and a neighbour advised him to call upon Mr. Webster for the payment of his bill. "But he has paid me," said the man. "No matter," replied his dishonest adviser, "call again with it. He don't know, and don't mind what he pays. It is a very common thing for him to pay much larger bills twice." The man got well, and carried in his account the second time. Mr. Webster looked at it, looked at the man, remembered him, but paid the bill without demurring. The fellow got "short" some three of four months afterwards, and bethought him of the generosity and loose manner of Mr. Webster in his money matters, and a third time he called and presented the bill for sawing the wood. Mr. Webster took the account, which he immediately recognized, and, scanning the wood-sawyer a moment, said: "How do you keep your books, sir?" "I keep no books" said the man, abashed. "I think you do, sir," continued Mr. Webster, with marked emphasis; "and you excel those who are satisfied with the double-entry system. You keep your books upon a triple-entry plan, I observe." Tearing up the account, Mr. Webster added: "Go, sir, and be honest hereafter. I have no objection to paying these little bills twice, but I cannot pay them three times. You may retire." The man left the room, feeling as though he was suffocating for want of air. He had learned a lesson that lasted through life.

KEEPING A SECRET.--421.

Of the descendants of the Pilgrims there once lived an old man, who, unlike nearly all his brethren, had no particular respect for the clergy. Going his accustomed rounds one day, he met a reverend gentleman, who, after a few casual remarks on worldly topics, thus addressed him:--"Mr. Brown, you have lived long; very few attain your age. Would it not be the part of wisdom to attend to your soul's concerns immediately? Really, it would rejoice my soul to see you at the eleventh hour become a praying Christian." "Well, now, Parson Hoyt, my Bible tells me to pray in secret." "Ah, well--yes--but _do_ you pray in secret?" "Why, now, Parson Hoyt, you know if I should tell you, 'twouldn't be any secret, anyhow."

MOST TOO SUDDEN.--422.

An old lady, a resident of Providence, who had never ridden in the cars, was persuaded, by the combined efforts of the children, James and Mary, to accompany them on an excursion, she all the time saying that she knew something would happen. She took her seat with fear and trembling, taking hold of the arm of the seat next the passage-way. The train was late, as excursion trains are usually, and in coming round a curve the Boston express train was on the same track, both nearing each other faster than was pleasant. The momentum of each train was nearly lost, and they came together with a chuck, which pitched the old lady on her face in the passage-way between the seats. She rose to her hands, and, looking back, asked: "_Jeems, do they allus stop like that?_"

"ANY RELATIONS?"--423.

The man who collects the names of soldiers for the town records of Adams was recently the questioner in the following conversation, the lady of the house replying:--"Have you any friends in the war, madam?" "No, sir." "Any relations?" "No, sir." "Do you know anybody from this neighbourhood who is in the army?" "No, sir." As he was leaving, a bright thought struck her, and she rushed to the door, exclaiming: "Oh, my husband has gone to the war!"

DIDN'T CARE THEN IF HE DID.--424.

A gentleman from Boston chanced to find himself among a little party of ladies away down East this summer, in the enjoyment of some innocent social play. He carelessly placed his arm about the slender waist of as pretty a damsel as Maine can boast of, when she started, and exclaimed: "Begone, sir; don't insult me!" The gentleman instantly apologized for his seeming rudeness, and assured the half-offended fair one that he did not mean to insult her. "No?" she replied, archly. "Well, if you didn't, you may do it again."

NO JUSTICE IN THAT COURT.--425.

A villanous specimen of humanity was brought into the Police Court before Justice Cole, of Albany, charged with having brutally assaulted his wife. The charge was substantiated in the clearest and most positive manner, and exhibited the most heartless cruelty on the husband's part. On his examination before the Justice, he had a good deal to say about "getting justice." "Justice!" exclaimed Squire Cole, "you can't get it here. This court has no power to hang you!"

SENSATIONS OF A DOWN-EASTER.--426.

It has been truly said that "we reckon the progress of our lives by sensations, not years," and an anecdote related by a friend very happily illustrates the truth of the maxim. A young man "down East" was asked his age; to which he answered--"Wal, I don't know exactly, but I have had the seven year itch three times."

CHANGES.--427.

A young lady, in a class studying physiology, made answer to a question put, that in six years a human body became entirely changed, so that not a particle which was in it at the commencement of the period would remain at the close of it. "Then, Miss L.," said the young tutor, "in six years you will cease to be Miss L.?" "Why, yes, sir, I suppose so," said she, very modestly looking at the floor.

LONGFELLOW AND LONGWORTH.--428.