Part 11

A friend writes of a Yankee boasting an inveterate hatred of everything British, living in a neighbouring city with a colonist family. He takes every opportunity to have a slap at Brother Bull, and the colonist does what he can to defend the venerable gentleman. "You are arguing," said the colonist, "against your ancestors." "No, I'm not." "Who was your father?" "A Yankee." "Who were your forefathers?" "Yankees." "Who were Adam and Eve?" "Yankees, by thunder!"

USED TO IT.--353.

Major N----, upon being asked if he was seriously hurt at the bursting of a boiler on a steamboat, replied that he was not, as he had been blowed up so many times by his wife that a mere steamboat explosion had no effect upon him whatever.

QUOTING HIS FATHER.--354.

A broker, whose mind was always full of quotations, was asked a few days since how old his father was. "Well," said he, abstractedly, "he is quoted at eighty, but there is every prospect he will reach par, and possibly be at a premium."

WHY THE WAR GOES ON.--355.

The soldiers at Helena, in Arkansas, used to amuse the inhabitants of that place, on their first arrival, by telling them yarns, of which the following is a sample:--"Some time ago Jeff Davis got tired of the war, and invited President Lincoln to meet him on neutral ground to discuss the terms of peace. They met accordingly, and, after a talk, concluded to settle the war by dividing the territory and stopping the fighting. The North took the Northern States, and the South the Gulf and sea-board Southern States. Lincoln took Texas and Missouri, and Davis Kentucky and Tennessee; so that all were parcelled off excepting Arkansas. Lincoln didn't want it--Jeff wouldn't have it. Neither would consent to take it, and on that they split; and the war has been going on ever since."

WHAT U. S. STANDS FOR.--356.

The _New York Herald_ puts forward General Grant as Democratic candidate for the Presidency, on the ground that U. S. stands for--Ulysses S. Grant, Union Sustaining Grant, Unconditional Surrender Grant, Uncle Sam Grant, United States Grant, Unparalleled Success Grant, Unabridged Seizure Grant, Union Saver Grant, Undeniable Superior Grant, Unflinching Surmounter Grant, Undaunted Soldier Grant, Understanding Secession Grant, Use Sambo Grant, Unshackle Slave Grant, Ultimate Subjugation Grant, Uncommon Smart Grant, Unequalled Smasher Grant, Utterly Solid Grant, Utmost Safety Grant, Unrivalled System Grant, Unexceptionably Scientific Grant, Undertake Sure Grant, Unbounded Spunk Grant, Universal Sanitive Grant, Unadulterated Saltpetre Grant, Uniform Succeeder Grant, Undisputed Sagacity Grant, Unabated Siege Grant, Unbending Super-excellence Grant, Unexampled Skill Grant, Undoubtedly Spunky Grant, Unprecedented Sardine Grant; and, what is best of all, he belongs to US, and will be the Unanimously Selected Grant for the next Presidency.

A WISE FOOL.--357.

A man brought before a justice of the peace in Vermont, charged with some petty offence, pleaded in extenuation a natural infirmity. "I should have made a considerable figure in the world, judge," he said, "if I hadn't been a fool; it's a dreadful pull back to a man."

"OLD BRAINS."--358.

One of the daily papers of New York made an amusing typographical error in its publication of General Halleck's report of war operations. The general, who enjoys the _sobriquet_ of "Old Brains," wrote in depreciation of the immense cost of army transportation, and made out a case for himself by saying that "our trains have been materially reduced during the year." Imagine his disgust when he found the boast printed "our _brains_ have been materially reduced!" Artemus Ward might add: "N.B.--This is sarkasm."

THE GOVERNOR AND THE JUSTICE.--359.

William Penn and Thomas Story once sheltered themselves from a shower of rain in a tobacco house, the owner of which said to them: "You enter here without leave; do you know who I am? I am a justice of the peace." To which Story replied: "My friend here makes such things as thee; he is Governor of Pennsylvania."

AN ENTHUSIASTIC NEWSVENDOR.--360.

An amusing incident occurred one day in front of General Turner's lines. A sergeant stepped out from our rifle-pits, and moved towards the enemy, waving a late paper, regardless of the probability that he would at any moment be shot. A rebel officer shouted to him to go back, but the sergeant was unmindful of the warning, and asked, "Won't you exchange newspapers?" "No," said the rebel, "I have no paper, I want you to go back." With singular persistence the sergeant continued to advance, saying, "Well, if you haint a paper, I reckon some of your men have, and I want to exchange, I tell you." "My men have not got anything of the kind, and you must go back," said the officer in a louder tone, and with great emphasis. Nothing daunted, the Yankee sergeant still advanced, until he stood plumply before the indignant officer, and said, "I tell ye now you needn't get your dander up. I don't mean no harm no way. P'raps if ye aint got no newspapers ye might give me suthin else. Maybe your men would like some coffee for some tobacco. I'm dreadful anxious for a trade." The astonished officer could only repeat his command, "Go back, you rascal, or I'll take you prisoner. I tell you we have nothing to exchange, and we don't want anything to do with you Yankees." The sergeant said ruefully, "Well, then, if you haint got nothin', why, here's the paper any way, and if you get one from Richmond this afternoon you can send it over. You'll find my name thar on that." The man's impudence or the officer's eagerness for news made him accept. He took the paper, and asked the sergeant what was the news from Petersburg. "Oh, our folks say we can go in there just when we want to, but we are willing to gobble all you fellows first," was the reply. "Well, I don't know but what you can do it!" said the lieutenant, turning on his heel and re-entering his rifle-pits; "meanwhile, my man, you had better go back." This time the sergeant obeyed the oft-repeated order, and, on telling his adventure, was the hero of the morning among his comrades.

PROFITLESS PREACHING.--361.

The hat was passed round in a certain congregation in New York for the purpose of taking up a collection. After it had made the circuit of the church it was handed to the minister, who, by the way had "exchanged pulpits" with the regular preacher, and he found not a cent in it. He inverted his hat over the pulpit cushion, and shook it, that its emptiness might be known; then looking towards the ceiling, he exclaimed, with great fervour, "I thank Heaven that I got back my hat from this congregation."

NOT FOR WANT.--362.

An Irishman being asked why he left his country for America, replied, "It wasn't for want; I had plenty of that at home."

SAM SLICK ON HAPPINESS.--363.

It takes a great deal to make happiness, for everything must be in time, like a piano; but it takes very little to spoil it. Fancy a bride, now, having a toothache, or a swelled face during the honeymoon. In courtship she won't show, but in marriage she can't help it.

A LAGGING COMPLIMENT.--364.

An American editor once, in attempting to compliment General Pillow as a "battle-scarred veteran," was made by the typos to call him a "battle-scared veteran." In the next issue the mistake was so far corrected as to style him a "bottle-scarred veteran."

WEDLOCK FIRST INSTITUTED.--365.

Wedlock was first instituted in Paradise. Well, there must have been a charming climate there. It could not have been too hot, for Eve never used a parasol, or even a "kiss-me-quick;" and Adam never complained, though he wore no clothes, that the sun blistered his skin. It could not have been wet, or they would have coughed all the time, like consumptive sheep; and it would have spoiled their garden, let alone giving them the chilblains and the snuffles. They didn't require umbrellas, uglies, fans, or india-rubber shoes. There was no such a thing as a stroke of the sun, or a snow-drift there. The temperature must have been perfect, and connubial bliss I allot was rael jam up. The only thing that seemed wanting there was for some one to drop in to tea now and then, for Eve to have a good chat with, while Adam was a studyin' astronomy, or tryin' to invent a kettle that would stand fire; for women do like talking, that's a fact, and there are many little things they have to say to each other that no man has any right to hear, and if he did he couldn't understand.--_Sam Slick._

A STRIKING LESSON.--366.

A canal boat was once passing through a narrow lock on the Erie line, and the captain hailed the passengers and said, "Look out!" Well, a Frenchman thinking something strange was to be seen, popped his head out, and it was cut off in a minute. "Oh, _mon Dieu_!" said his comrade, "dat is a very _striking_ lesson in English. On land look out means open the window, and see what you will see. On board canal boat it means have your head in, and don't look at nothin."--_Sam Slick._

A DISINTERESTED LIEUTENANT.--367.

"Feller sogers," said a newly-elected lieutenant of the militia, "I am all-fired obliged to you for this shove-up in the ranks you have given me. Feller sogers, I'm not going to forget your kindness soon, not by a darned sight; and I'll tell you what it is, I'll stick to my post like pitch to a pine-board, so long as ther's peace; but as I go in for rotation in office, and if we should come to blows with the British, darned if I don't resign right off, and give every feller a fair shake for fame and glory."

CLAIMING AND TAKING EXEMPTION.--368.

THE _Steuben Courier_ says that a man walked forty miles to claim exemption from the war-draft, on the ground of inability to stand long marches and the hardships of camp life.--A man named Jefferson Davis was drafted in New Bedford on Tuesday last. We hope that he may be able to go, and be in at the death of his illustrious rebel namesake.--Seven of the waiters in one of the popular hotels of Boston were the victims of the draft, but the next morning after their names had been drawn from the wheel of the Provost-Marshal, they had all skedaddled to parts unknown, and have not been heard of since.--There were two Mike Sullivans, the _Boston Herald_ says, living at Fort Hill, and neither had any other distinction. One of them was drafted, but which of them neither could tell, nor any one else. One of them was called upon by a friend, who inquired if he was the Michael Sullivan who had been drafted. "Yes," said Mike, "I suppose I am." "Are you sure of that, now?" exclaimed Mike's friend. "How the divil do you know but you axe the other Mike Sullivan?"--A laughable circumstance took place in the Fourteenth Ward, Philadelphia, during the drafting. Everything was going on quietly, and good humour appeared to be depicted upon every countenance. Among the many hundreds that were there was a pale-faced son of the Emerald Isle, gazing on the wheel, and at every revolution gasping for breath. Of a sudden, losing all control of himself, he burst out: "Wherl it round! wherl it round!--rouse it, will ye!" "What's the matter with you?" said the Provost-Marshal. "Oh, be jabers, turn it round a dozen times, for that man you drawed last is my next door neighbour."

GREAT SCARCITY.--369.

Speaking of the great scarcity of provisions down South, a Northern paper says--"Tea is so scarce in the South that they haven't even drawings of it, and there are no grounds for supposing that they have any coffee."

THE CAPTAIN'S PUDDING.--370.

The following story is told of a Yankee captain and his mate:--Whenever there was a plum-pudding made, by the captain's orders, all the plums were put into one end of it, and that end placed next to the captain, who, after helping himself, passed it to the mate, who never found any plums in his part of it. After this game had been played for some time, the mate prevailed on the steward to place the end which had no plums in it next to the captain. The captain no sooner perceived that the pudding had the wrong end turned towards him, than picking up the dish, and turning it round, as if to examine the china, he said: "This dish cost me two shillings in Liverpool;" and put it down, as if without design, with the plum end next to himself. "Is it possible?" said the mate, taking up the dish. "I shouldn't suppose it was worth more than a shilling." And, as if in perfect innocence, he put down the dish with the plums next to himself. The captain looked at the mate; the mate looked at the captain. The captain laughed; the mate laughed. "I tell you what, young one," said the captain, "you've found me out, so we will just cut the pudding lengthwise this time, and have the plums fairly distributed hereafter."

SALARY NOT SO MUCH AN OBJECT, ETC.--371.

Minister used to amuse me beyond anything, poor old soul. Once the congregation met, and raised his wages from three to four hundred dollars a-year. Well, it nearly set him crazy; it bothered him so he could hardly sleep. So, after church was over the next Sunday, he said, "My dear brethren, I hear you have raised my salary to four hundred dollars. I am greatly obliged to you for your kindness, but I can't think of taking it on no account. First, you can't afford it, no how you can fix it, and I know it. Secondly, I ain't worth it, and you know it; and, thirdly, I am nearly tired to death collecting my present income. If I have to dun the same way for that it will kill me. I can't stand it; I shall die. No, no, pay me what you allow me more punctually, and it is all I ask, or will ever receive."--_Sam Slick._

ARTEMUS WARD TO THE PRINCE OF WALES.--372.

"Friend Wales,--You remember me. I saw you in Canada a few years ago. I remember you, too. I seldim forgit a person. I hearn of your marriage to the Princess Alexandry, & ment ter writ you a congreetoolatory letter at the time, but I've bin bilding a barn this summer, & hain't had no time to write letters to folks. Excoos me. We hain't got any daily paper in our town, but we've got a female sewin circle, which answers the same purpuss. Numeris changes has tooken place since we met in the body politic. The body politic, in fack, is sick. I sumtimes think it has got biles, friend Wales. In my country we've got a war, while your country manetanes a nootral position! Yes, sir, we've got a war, and the troo Patrit has to make sacrifisses. I have alreddy given two cousins to the war, and I stand reddy to sacrifiss my wife's brother rather'n not see the rebelyin krusht. And if wuss cums to wuss I'll shed ev'ry drop of blud my able-bodied relatiens has got to prosekoot the war. I think somebody oughter be prosekooted, & it may as well be the war as anybody else. My object in now addressin' you is to give you sum adwice, friend Wales, about managin' your wife, a bizness I've had over thirty years' experience in. You had a good weddin. The papers hav a good deal to say about 'vikins' in connection tharewith. Not knowing what that air, and so I frankly tells you, my noble lord dook, I can't 'zactly say whether we had 'em or not. We was both very much flustrated. But I never enjoyed myself better in my life. Dowtless, your supper was ahead of our'n. As regards eatin' uses Baldinsville was allers shaky. But you can git a good meal in New York, and cheap, too. You can git half a mackrill at Delmonico's or Mr. Mason Dory's, for six dollars, and a biled pertaters throwd in. I manidge my wife without any particler trouble. When I fust commenst trainin' her I institooted a series of experiments, and them as didn't work I abanding'd. You had better do similer. There's varis ways of managin' a wife, friend Wales, but the best and only safe way is to let her do jist about as she wants to. I 'dopted that there plan sum time ago, and it works like a charm. Remember me kindly to Mrs. Wales. As yehrs roll by, and accidents begin to happen to you--and your responsibilities increase--you will agree with me that family joys air the only ones a man can bet on with any certinty of winnin'. It may interest you to know that I'm prosperin' in a pecoonery pint of view. I make 'bout as much in the course of a year as a Cab'net offisser does, and I understan' my bizness a good deal better than sum of 'em do. Respects to St. Gorge and the Dragon.--'Ever be happy.'"

"ARTEMUS WARD."

PROVIDING FOR BILLS.--373.

Two city merchants conversing upon business at the door of the New York Coffee-house, one of them made some remarks on the badness of the times; and perceiving at the moment a flight of pigeons passing over their heads, he exclaimed, "How happy are those pigeons! they have no acceptances to provide for." To which the other replied, "You are rather in error, my friend, for _they_ have their _bills to provide for_ as well as we!"

GENERAL LEE AND A SON OF ERIN.--374.

When General Lee was a prisoner at Albany he dined with an Irishman. Before entering upon the wine, the general remarked to his host, that after drinking he was apt to abuse Irishmen, for which he hoped the host would excuse him in advance. "By my soul, general, I will do that," said his host, "if you will excuse a trifling fault which I have myself. It is this: whenever I hear a man abusing old Ireland, I have a sad fault of cracking his head with my shillaly!" The general was civil during the rest of the evening.

THE NIAGARA FALLS FROM FOUR POINTS OF VIEW.--375.

Mr. G. A. Sala, describing the Niagara Falls, says:--"A Swiss watchmaker observed that he was very glad 'de beautiful ting was going.' He looked upon it as some kind of clockwork arrangement, which would run down and be wound up again. Everybody knows the story of the 'cute Yankee who called it 'an almighty water privilege.' It is one, and would turn all the mill-wheels in the world. 'Here creation's done its d--dest,' remarked another; and, quoth a fourth, 'I guess this hyar suckles the ocean sea considerable.'"

LOGIC OF CONGRESS.--376.

The House of Representatives at Washington has passed, by a majority of seven to one, a resolution which, after stating the existence of rebellion, runs thus:--"Resolved, that it is the political, civil, moral, and sacred duty of the poople to meet it, fight it, and for ever destroy it, thereby establishing perfect and unalterable liberty."

COLT'S ARMS _versus_ COLT'S LEGS.--377.

Colt's arms are useful when you want to fight, but if you want to run away, colt's legs are better.

INFANTILE IDEAS OF DISTANCE.--378.

A happy comment on the annihilation of time and space by locomotive agency was made by a little child who rode fifty miles in a railway train, and then took a coach to her uncle's house, some five miles further, and was asked on her arrival if she came by the cars. "We came a little way in the cars, and all the rest of the way in a carriage."

"DAT'S DE MYSTERY."--379.

Two darkies had bought a mess of pork in partnership, but Sam having no place to put his portion in, consented to trust the whole to Julius' keeping. The next morning they met, when Sam says--"Good mornin', Julius, anything happen strange or mysterious down in your vicinity lately?" "Yaas, Sam, most a strange thing happen at my house yesterlast night--all mystery, all mystery to me." "Ah, Julius, what was dat?" "Well, Sam, I tole you now. Dis morning I went down into the cellar for to get a piece of hog for dis darky's breakfast, and I put my hand down in de brine and felt all round, but no pork dere--all gone. Codn't tell what bewent with it, so I turned up de bar'l, and Sam, true as preachin', de rats had eat a hole clar froo de bottom of de bar'l, and dragged de pork all out!" Sam was petrified with astonishment, but presently said--"Why didn't de brine run out of the same hole?" "Ah, Sam, dat's de mystery."

OUR BOB.--380.

Judge S---- had a very wild son, named Bob, who was constantly on a spree, and upon being brought up once before the court for drunkenness, the judge cried out--"Is that _our_ Bob?" _Clerk_: "Yes, sir." _Judge_: "Fine the rascal two dollars and costs; I'd make it ten dollars, if I didn't know it would come out of my own pocket."

SAMBO'S SUSPICION.--381.

A gentleman who holds a responsible position under Government concluded to change his lodgings. He sent one of the waiters of the hotel where he had selected apartments after his baggage. Meeting the waiter an hour or two afterwards, he said--"Well, Sambo, did you bring my baggage down?" "No, sah!" blandly responded the sable gentleman. "Why, what was the reason?" "Case, sah, the gentleman in de office said you had not paid your bill." "Not paid my bill! why, that's singular--he knew me very well when he kept the Girard House, in Philadelphia." "Well, mebbe," rejoined Sambo, thoughtfully scratching his head, "_dat was de reason he wouldn't gib me de baggage_."

WHERE THE DUCKS WENT.--382.

A man was brought into one of the New York courts on the charge of having stolen some ducks from a farmer. "How do you know they are your ducks?" asked the defendant's counsel. "Oh! I should know them _anywhere_," said the farmer, who proceeded to describe their peculiarities. "Why," said the prisoner's counsel, "those ducks can't be such a rare breed--I have some very much like them in my yard." "That's not unlikely, sir," said the farmer, "they are not the only ducks I've had stolen lately." Call the next witness.

NO PLACE LIKE HOME.--383.

A young man, rather verdant, and very sentimental, while making himself interesting to a young lady the other evening by quoting from the poets, to the other choice and rare extracts he added, "There is no place like home." "Do you really think so?" said the young lady. "Oh, yes!" was the reply. "Then," said calico, "why don't you stay there?"

DAMAGING THE ENGINE.--384.

A man was sitting on the track of the New London road, when the train came along and pitched him head over heels into the bushes. The train stopped and backed to pick up the body, when the man coolly informed the conductor, as he brushed the dirt from his coat sleeves, that if he "had damaged the engine any he was ready to settle for it," and walked off home.

A QUAKER WOMAN'S SERMON.--385.

My dear friends, there are three things I very much wonder at. The first is, that children should be so foolish as to throw up stones, clubs, and brickbats into fruit-trees, to knock down fruit; if they would let it alone it would fall itself. The second is, that men should be so foolish, and even so wicked, as to go to war and kill each other; if let alone they would die themselves. And the third, and last, thing that I wonder at is, that young men should be so unwise as to go after the young women; if they would stay at home the young women would come after them.

A DELICATE CUT.--386.

A couple of Albany ecclesiastics were at Saratoga at the time of the annual races, which were under the management of Morrissey, the famous prize-fighter, gamester, &c. Parson M----, a Baptist clergyman, and Father C----, a Catholic priest, are both jolly fellows in an innocent way, and, despite their difference of creed, remarkably good friends. Meeting each other, M---- said jocosely, as he approached the other, "Ah! I understand it, you have come to attend the races!" and added, "Do you know Morrissey?" "No," said Father C----, "and I beg you won't introduce me."

NOVEL TELEGRAPHIC MESSAGE.--387.

The following telegraphic message was sent from an Albany office:--"To ---- Third Epistle of John, 13th and 14th verses. Signed ----." The text referred to is as follows, and makes quite a lengthy and understandable letter:--"I had many things to write, but I will not with ink and pen write to thee. But I trust I shall shortly see thee, and we shall speak face to face. Peace be to thee. Our friends salute thee. Greet the friends by name."

BREAKFAST IN BED.--388.