Part 8

That department store sales are always fakes, and that they mark down a few things to attract the women and then swindle them by lifting the prices on things they actually want.

§416

That 100,000 abortions are performed in Chicago every year.

§417

That John D. Rockefeller has a great mind, and would make a fine President if it were not for his craze for money.

§418

That all the Jews who were drafted during the late war were put into the Quartermaster's Department on account of their extraordinary business acumen.

§419

That a jury never convicts a pretty woman.

§420

That chorus girls in the old days got so tired of drinking champagne that the sound of a cork popping made them shudder.

§421

That the Massachusetts troops, after the first battle of Bull Run, didn't stop running until they reached Harrisburg, Pa.

§422

That General Grant was always soused during a battle, and that on the few occasions when he was sober he got licked.

§423

That the late King Edward used to carry on in Paris at such a gait that he shocked even the Parisians.

§424

That it takes an Englishman two days to see a joke, and that he always gets it backward even then.

§425

That headwaiters in fashionable hotels make $100 a day.

§426

That if a bat flies into a woman's hair, the hair must be cut off to get it out.

§427

That all the women in Chicago have very large feet.

§428

That on cold nights policemen always sneak into stables on their beats and go to sleep.

§429

That all the school-boys in Boston have bulged brows, wear large spectacles and can read Greek.

§430

That all dachshunds come from Germany.

§431

That nine out of every ten Frenchmen have syphilis.

§432

That the frankfurters sold at circuses and pleasure parks are made of dog meat.

§433

That all the cheaper brands of cigarettes are sophisticated with drugs, and in time cause those who smoke them to get softening of the brain.

§434

That rock-and-rye will cure a cold.

§435

That a country boy armed with a bent pin can catch more fish than a city angler with the latest and most expensive tackle.

§436

That red-haired girls are especially virulent.

§437

That all gamblers eventually go broke.

§438

That the worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.

§439

That an elephant in a circus never forgets a person who gives him a chew of tobacco or a rotten peanut, but will single him out from a crowd years afterward and bash in his head with one colossal blow.

§440

That it is unlucky to put your hat on a bed.

§441

That an old sock makes the best wrapping for a sore throat.

§442

That lighting three cigarettes with one match will bring some terrible calamity upon one or other of the three smokers.

§443

That milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that is possessed only by yokels, and that a person born in a large city can never hope to acquire it.

§444

That whenever there is a rough-house during a strike, it is caused by foreign anarchists who are trying to knock out American idealism.

§445

That, whatever the demerits of Jews otherwise, they are always very kind to their old parents.

§446

That the Swiss army, though small, is so strong that not even the German army in its palmy days could have invaded Switzerland, and that it is strong because all Swiss are patriots to the death.

§447

That when two Frenchmen fight a duel, whether with pistols or with swords, neither of them is ever hurt half so much as he would have been had he fought an honest American wearing boxing-gloves.

§448

That whenever Prohibition is enforced in a region populated by negroes, they take to morphine, heroin and other powerful drugs, and begin murdering all of the white inhabitants.

§449

That all the great writers of the world now use typewriters.

§450

That all Presidents of the United States get many hot tips on the stock-market, but that they are too honourable to play them, and so turn them over to their wives, who make fortunes out of them.

§451

That Elihu Root is an intellectual giant, and that it is a pity the suspicion of him among farmers makes it impossible to elect him President.

§452

That no man not a sissy can ever learn to thread a needle or darn a sock.

§453

That all glass blowers soon or late die of consumption.

§454

That all women who go in bathing at the French seaside resorts affect very naughty one-piece bathing suits.

§455

That George M. Cohan and Irving Berlin can only play the piano with one finger.

§456

That farmers always go into gold mine swindles because of the magnificently embossed stock certificates.

§457

That the Germans eat six regular meals a day, and between times stave off their appetite with numerous Schweitzer cheese sandwiches, blutwurst and beer.

§458

That David Belasco teaches his actresses how to express emotion by knocking them down and pulling them around the stage by the hair.

§459

That only Americans travel in the first class carriages of foreign railway trains, and that fashionable Englishmen always travel third class.

§460

That the whiskey sold in blind pigs contains wood alcohol and causes those who drink it to go blind.

§461

That wealthy society women never wear their pearl necklaces in public, but always keep them at home in safes and wear indistinguishable imitations instead.

§462

That the late Charles Yerkes had no less than twenty girls, for each of whom he provided a Fifth Avenue mansion and a yearly income of $50,000.

§463

That when one goes to a railroad station to meet some one, the train is never on time.

§464

That the theatregoers in the Scandinavian countries care for nothing but Ibsen and Strindberg.

§465

That all doctors write prescriptions illegibly.

§466

That Englishwomen are very cold.

§467

That when the weather man predicts rain it always turns out fair, and that when he predicts fair it always rains.

§468

That lemon juice will remove freckles.

§469

That if a woman wears a string of amber beads she will never get a sore throat.

§470

That no well-bred person ever chews gum.

§471

That all actors sleep till noon, and spend the afternoon calling on women.

§472

That the men who make sauerkraut press it into barrels by jumping on it with their bare feet.

§473

That the moment a nigger gets eight dollars, he goes to a dentist and has one of his front teeth filled with gold.

§474

That one never sees a Frenchman drunk, all the souses whom one sees in Paris being Americans.

§475

That a daughter is always a much greater comfort to a mother in after life than a son.

§476

That a man with a weak, receding chin is always a nincompoop.

§477

That English butlers always look down on their American employers, and frequently have to leave the room to keep from laughing out loud.

§478

That the most faithful and loving of all dogs is the Newfoundland.

§479

That a man always dislikes his mother-in-law, and goes half-crazy every time she visits him.

§480

That if one doesn't scratch a mosquito bite it will stop itching.

§481

That all the men in the moving picture business were formerly cloak and suit merchants, and that they are now all millionaires.

§482

That the accumulation of money makes a man hard, and robs him of all his finer qualities.

§483

That, in an elevator, it is always a man who usurps the looking-glass.

§484

That it is very unlucky to wear an opal.

§485

That if a man's eyebrows meet, it is a sign that he has a very unpleasant nature.

§486

That a negro ball always ends up in a grand free-for-all fight, in which several coons are mortally slashed with razors.

§487

That if Houdini were locked up in Sing Sing, he would manage to make his get-away in less than half an hour's time.

§488

That Bob Ingersoll is in hell.

THE END