Part 6

No doubt we should apologize for writing, even so, so long a preface to so succinct a book. The one excuse we can think of is that, having read it, one need not read the book. That book, as we have said, may strike the superficial as jocular, but in actual fact it is a very serious and even profound composition, not addressed to the casual reader, but to the scholar. Its preparation involved a great diligence, and its study is not to be undertaken lightly. What the psychologist will find to admire in it, however, is not its learning and painstaking, its laborious erudition, but its compression. It establishes, we believe, a new and clearer method for a science long run to turgidity and flatulence. Perhaps it may be even said to set up an entirely new science, to wit, that of descriptive sociological psychology. We believe that this field will attract many men of inquiring mind hereafter and yield a valuable crop of important facts. The experimental method, intrinsically so sound and useful, has been much abused by orthodox psychologists; it inevitably leads them into a trackless maze of meaningless tables and diagrams; they keep their eyes so resolutely upon the intellectual process that they pay no heed to the primary intellectual materials. Nevertheless, it must be obvious that the conclusions that a man comes to, the emotions that he harbours and the crazes that sway him are of much less significance than the fundamental assumptions upon which they are all based.

There has been, indeed, some discussion of those fundamental assumptions of late. We have heard, for example, many acute discourses upon the effects produced upon the whole thinking of the German people, peasants and professors alike, by the underlying German assumption that the late Kaiser was anointed of God and hence above all ordinary human responsibility. We have heard talk, too, of the curious Irish axiom that there is a mysterious something in the nature of things, giving the Irish people an indefeasible right to govern Ireland as they please, regardless of the safety of their next-door neighbours. And we have heard many outlandish principles of the same sort from political theorists, _e.g._, regarding the inalienable right of democracy to prevail over all other forms of government and the inalienable right of all national groups, however small, to self-determination. Well, here is an attempt to assemble in convenient form, without comment or interpretation, some of the fundamental beliefs of the largest body of human beings now under one flag in Christendom. It is but a beginning. The field is barely platted. It must be explored to the last furlong and all its fantastic and fascinating treasures unearthed and examined before ever there can be any accurate understanding of the mind of the American people.

GEORGE JEAN NATHAN H.L. MENCKEN _New York, 1920._

THE AMERICAN CREDO

§1

That the philoprogenitive instinct in rabbits is so intense that the alliance of two normally assiduous rabbits is productive of 265 offspring in one year.

§2

That there are hundreds of letters in the Dead Letter Office whose failure to arrive at their intended destinations was instrumental in separating as many lovers.

§3

That the Italian who sells bananas on a push-cart always takes the bananas home at night and sleeps with them under his bed.

§4

That a man's stability in the community and reliability in business may be measured by the number of children he has.

§5

That in Japan an American can buy a beautiful geisha for two dollars and that, upon being bought, she will promptly fall madly in love with him and will run his house for him in a scrupulously clean manner.

§6

That all sailors are gifted with an extraordinary propensity for amour, but that on their first night of shore leave they hang around the water-front saloons and are given knock-out drops.

§7

That when a comedian, just before the rise of the curtain, is handed a telegram announcing the death of his mother or only child, he goes out on the stage and gives a more comic performance than ever.

§8

That the lions in the cage which a lion-tamer enters are always sixty years old and have had all their teeth pulled.

§9

That the Siamese Twins were joined together by gutta percha moulded and painted to look like a shoulder blade.

§10

That if a woman about to become a mother plays the piano every day, her baby will be born a Victor Herbert.

§11

That all excursion boats are so old that if they ran into a drifting beer-keg they would sink.

§12

That a doctor knows so much about women that he can no longer fall in love with one of them.

§13

That when one takes one's best girl to see the monkeys in the zoo, the monkeys invariably do something that is very embarrassing.

§14

That firemen, awakened suddenly in the middle of the night, go to fires in their stocking feet.

§15

That something mysterious goes on in the rooms back of chop suey restaurants.

§16

That oil of pennyroyal will drive away mosquitoes.

§17

That the old ladies on summer hotel verandas devote themselves entirely to the discussion of scandals.

§18

That a bachelor, expecting a feminine visitor, by way of subtle preliminary strategy smells up his rooms with Japanese punk.

§19

That all one has to do to gather a large crowd in New York is to stand on the curb a few moments and gaze intently at the sky.

§20

That one can get an excellent bottle of wine in France for a franc.

21

That it is dangerous to drink out of a garden hose, since if one does one is likely to swallow a snake.

§22

That all male negroes can sing.

§23

That when a girl enters a hospital as a nurse, her primary object is always to catch one of the doctors.

§24

That the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.

§25

That a young girl ought to devote herself sedulously to her piano lessons since, when she is married, her playing will be a great comfort to her husband.

§26

That all theater box-office employés are very impolite and hate to sell a prospective patron a ticket.

§27

That all great men have illegible signatures.

§28

That all iron-moulders and steam-fitters, back in the days of freedom, used to get drunk every Saturday night.

§29

That if a man takes a cold bath regularly every morning of his life he will never be ill.

§30

That ginger snaps are made of the sweepings of the floor in the bakery.

§31

That every circus clown's heart is breaking for one reason or another.

§32

That a bull-fighter always has so many women in love with him that he doesn't know what to do.

§33

That George M. Cohan spends all his time hanging around Broadway cafés and street-corners making flip remarks.

§34

That one can never tell accurately what the public wants.

§35

That every time one sat upon an old-fashioned horse-hair sofa one of the protruding sharp hairs would stab one through the union suit.

§36

That when an ocean vessel collides with another vessel or hits an iceberg and starts to sink, the ship's band promptly rushes up to the top deck and begins playing "Nearer, My God, to Thee."

§37

That in no town in America where it has played has "Uncle Tom's Cabin" ever failed to make money.

§38

That the tenement districts are the unhealthy places they are because the dwellers hang their bed-clothing out on the fire-escapes.

§39

That, in small town hotels, the tap marked "hot water" always gives forth cold water and that the tap marked "cold" always gives forth hot.

§40

That every lieutenant in the American army who went to France had an affair with a French comtesse.

§41

That when cousins marry, their children are born blind, deformed, or imbecile.

§42

That a cat falling from the twentieth story of the Singer Building will land upon the pavement below on its feet, uninjured and as frisky as ever.

§43

That the accumulation of great wealth always brings with it great unhappiness.

§44

That it is unlucky to count the carriages in a funeral.

§45

That the roulette wheel at Monte Carlo is controlled by a wire as thin as a hair which is controlled in turn by a button hidden beneath the rug near the operator's great toe.

§46

That Polish women are so little human that one of them can have a baby at 8 A.M. and cook her husband's dinner at noon.

§47

That Henry James never wrote a short sentence.

§48

That it is bad luck to kill a spider.

§49

That German peasants are possessed of a profound knowledge of music.

§50

That every coloured cook has a lover who never works, and that she feeds him by stealing the best part of every dish she cooks.

§51

That George Bernard Shaw doesn't really believe anything he writes.

§52

That the music of Richard Wagner is all played _fortissimo_, and by cornets.

§53

That the Masonic order goes back to the days of King Solomon.

§54

That swearing is forbidden by the Bible.

§55

That all newspaper reporters carry notebooks.

§56

That whiskey is good for snake-bite.

§57

That surgeons often kill patients for the sheer pleasure of it.

§58

That ten drops of camphor in half a glass of water will prevent a cold.

§59

That the first thing a country jake does when he comes to New York is to make a bee line for Grant's Tomb and the Aquarium.

§60

That if one's nose tickles it is a sign that one is going to meet a stranger or kiss a fool.

§61

That if one's right ear burns, it is a sign that some one is saying nice things about one.

§62

That if one's left ear burns, it is a sign that some one is saying mean things about one.

§63

That French women use great quantities of perfume in lieu of taking a bath.

§64

That a six-footer is invariably a virtuoso of amour superior to a man of, say, five feet seven.

§65

That a soubrette is always fifteen or twenty years older than she looks.

§66

That what impels most men to have their finger-nails manicured is a vanity for having manicured finger-nails.

§67

That water rots the hair and thus causes baldness.

§68

That when one twin dies, the other twin becomes exceedingly melancholy and soon also dies.

§69

That one may always successfully get a cinder out of the eye by not touching the eye, but by rolling it in an outward direction and simultaneously blowing the nose.

§70

That if one wears light weight underwear winter and summer the year 'round, one will never catch a cold.

§71

That a drunken man is invariably more bellicose than a sober man.

§72

That all prize-fighters and baseball players have their hair cut round in the back.

§73

That the work of a detective calls for exceptionally high sagacity and cunning.

§74

That on the first day of the season in the pleasure parks many persons, owing to insufficiently tested apparatus, are regularly killed on the roller-coasters.

§75

That a play, a novel, or a short story with a happy ending is necessarily a commercialized and inartistic piece of work.

§76

That a person who follows up a cucumber salad with a dish of ice-cream will inevitably be the victim of cholera morbus.

§77

That a Sunday School superintendent is always carrying on an intrigue with one of the girls in the choir.

§78

That it is one of the marks of a gentleman that he never speaks evil of a woman.

§79

That a member of the Masons cannot be hanged.

§80

That a policeman can eat _gratis_ as much fruit and as many peanuts off the street-corner stands as he wants.

§81

That the real President of the United States is J. P. Morgan.

§82

That onion breath may be promptly removed by drinking a little milk.

§83

That onion breath may be promptly removed by eating a little parsley.

§84

That Catholic priests conduct their private conversations in Latin.

§85

That John Drew is a great society man.

§86

That all Swedes are stupid fellows, and have very thick skulls.

§87

That all the posthumously printed stories of David Graham Phillips and Jack London have been written by hacks hired by the magazine editors and publishers.

§88

That a man like Charles Schwab, who has made a great success of the steel business, could in the same way easily have become a great composer like Bach or Mozart had he been minded thus to devote his talents.

§89

That the man who doesn't hop promptly to his feet when the orchestra plays "The Star Spangled Banner" as an overture to Hurtig and Seamon's "Hurly-Burly Girlies" must have either rheumatism or pro-German sympathies.

§90

That every workman in Henry Ford's factory owns a pretty house in the suburbs and has a rose-garden in the back-yard.

§91

That all circus people are very pure and lead domestic lives.

§92

That if a spark hits a celluloid collar, the collar will explode.

§93

That when a bachelor who has hated children for twenty years gets married and discovers he is about to become a father, he is delighted.

§94

That drinking three drinks of whiskey a day will prevent pneumonia.

§95

That every negro who went to France with the army had a liaison with a white woman and won't look at a nigger wench any more.

§96

That all Russians have unpronounceable names.

§97

That awnings keep rooms cool.

§98

That it is very difficult to decipher a railroad time-table.

§99

That gamblers may always be identified by their habit of wearing large diamonds.

§100

That when a man embarks in a canoe with a girl, the chances are two to one that the girl will move around when the boat is in mid-stream and upset it.

§101

That German babies are brought up on beer in place of milk.

§102

That a man with two shots of cocaine in him could lick Jack Dempsey.

§103

That fully one half the repertoire of physical ailments is due to uric acid.

§104

That a woman, when buying a cravat for a man, always picks out one of green and purple with red polka-dots.

§105

That a negro's vote may always be readily bought for a dollar.

§106

That cripples always have very sunny dispositions.

§107

That if one drops a crust of bread into one's glass of champagne, one can drink indefinitely without getting drunk.

§108

That a brass band always makes one feel like marching.

§109

That, when shaving on a railway train, a man invariably cuts himself.

§110

That the male Spaniard is generally a handsome, flashing-eyed fellow, possessed of fiery temper.

§111

That after drinking a glass of absinthe one has peculiar hallucinations and nightmares.

§112

That since the Indians were never bald, baldness comes from wearing tight hats.

§113

That all wine-agents are very loose men.

§114

That the editor of a woman's magazine is always a lizzie.

§115

That what is contained in the pitcher on the speakers' platform is always ice-water.

§116

That all Senators from Texas wear sombreros, chew tobacco, expectorate profusely, and frequently employ the word "maverick."

§117

That the meters on taxicabs are covertly manipulated by the chauffeurs by means of wires hidden under the latters' seats.

§118

That Lillian Russell is as beautiful today as she was thirty-five years ago.

§119

That if a young woman can hold a lighted match in her fingers until it completely burns up, it is a sign that her young man really loves her.

§120

That if a young woman accidentally puts on her lingerie wrong side out, it is a sign that she will be married before the end of the year.

§121

That if a bride wears an old garter with her new finery, she will have a happy married life.

§122

That a sudden chill is a sign that somebody is walking over one's grave.

§123

That some ignoble Italian is at the bottom of every Dorothy Arnold _fugax_.

§124

That a tarantula will not crawl over a piece of rope.

§125

That millionaires always go to sleep at the opera.

§126

That Paderewski can get all the pianos he wants for nothing.

§127

That a bloodhound never makes a mistake.

§128

That celery is good for the nerves.

§129

That the jokes in _Punch_ are never funny.

§130

That the Mohammedans are heathens.

§131

That a sudden shock may cause the hair to turn grey over night.

§132

That the farmer is an honest man, and greatly imposed upon.

§133

That all the antique furniture sold in America is made in Grand Rapids, Mich., and that the holes testifying to its age are made either with gimlets or by trained worms.

§134

That if a dog is fond of a man it is an infallible sign that the man is a good sort, and one to be trusted.

§135

That blondes are flightier than brunettes.

§136

That a nurse, however ugly, always looks beautiful to the sick man.

§137

That book-keepers are always round-shouldered.

§138

That if one touches a hop-toad, one will get warts.

§139

That a collar-button that drops to the floor when one is dressing invariably rolls into an obscure and inaccessible spot and eludes the explorations of its owner.

§140

That an American ambassador has the French, German, Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, Russian and Japanese languages at his finger tips, and is chummy with royalty.

§141

That the ready-made mail order blue serge suits for men are put together with mucilage, and turn green after they have been in the sunlight for a day or two.

§142

That if one has only three matches left, the first two will invariably go out, but that the third and last will remain lighted.

§143

That all Chinamen smoke opium.

§144

That every country girl who falls has been seduced by a man from the city.

§145

That an intelligent prize-fighter always triumphs over an ignorant prize-fighter, however superior the latter in agility and strength.

§146

That a doctor's family never gets sick.

§147

That nature designed a horse's tail primarily as a flicker-off of flies.

§148

That nicotine keeps the teeth in a sound condition.

§149

That when an Odd Fellow dies he is always given a magnificent funeral by his lodge, including a band and a parade.

§150

That the man who is elected president of the Senior Class in a college is always the most popular man in his class.

§151

That a minor actress in a theatrical company always considers the leading man a superb creature, and loves him at a distance.

§152

That a Southern levee is a gay place.

§153

That when a dog whines in the middle of the night, it is a sure sign that some one is going to die.

§154

That the stenographer in a business house is always coveted by her employer, who invites her to luncheon frequently, gradually worms his way into her confidence, keeps her after office hours one day, accomplishes her ruin, and then sets her up in a magnificently furnished apartment in Riverside Drive and appeases her old mother by paying the latter's expenses for a summer holiday with her daughter at the seashore.

§155

That the extinction of the Indian has been a deplorable thing.

§156

That everybody has a stomach-ache after Thanksgiving dinner.

§157

That, in summer, tan shoes are much cooler on the feet than black shoes.

§158

That every man who calls himself Redmond is a Jew whose real name is Rosenberg.

§159

That General Grant never directed a battle save with a cigar in his mouth.

§160

That there is something slightly peculiar about a man who wears spats.

§161

That the more modest a young girl is, the more innocent she is.

§162

That what a woman admires above everything else in a man is an upright character.

§163

That seafaring men drink nothing but rum.

§164

That no family in the slums has less than six children.

§165

That a piece of camphor worn on a string around the neck will ward off disease.

§166

That a saloon with a sign reading "Family Entrance" on its side door invariably has a bawdy house upstairs.

§167

That the wife of a rich man always wistfully looks back into the past and wishes she had married a poor man.

§168

That all persons prominent in smart society are very dull.

§169

That when ordering a drink of whiskey at a bar, a man always used to instruct the bartender as to the size of the drink he desired by saying "two fingers" or "three fingers."

§170

That all the wine formerly served in Italian restaurants was made in the cellar, and was artificially coloured with some sort of dye that was very harmful to the stomach.

§171

That bootblacks whistle because they are so happy.

§172

That stokers on ocean liners are from long service so used to the heat of the furnaces that they don't notice it.

§173

That what draws men to horse races is love of the sport.

§174

That tarantulas often come from the tropics in bunches of bananas, and that when one of them stings a negro on the wharf he swells up, turns green and dies within three hours.

§175

That a man will do anything for the woman he loves.

§176

That the reason William Gillette, who has been acting for over forty years, always smokes cigars in the parts he plays is because he is very nervous when on the stage.

§177

That the doughnut is an exceptionally indigestible article.

§178

That one captive balloon in every two containing persons on pleasure bent breaks away from its moorings, and drifts out to sea.

§179

That a workingman always eats what is in his dinnerpail with great relish.

§180

That children were much better behaved twenty years ago than they are today.

§181

That the cashier of a restaurant in adding up a customer's cheque always adds a dollar which is subsequently split between himself and the waiter.

§182

That it is impossible to pronounce the word "statistics" without stuttering.

§183

That the profession of white slaving, in 1900 controlled exclusively by Chinamen, has since passed entirely under the control of Italians.

§184

That every person in the Riviera lives in a "villa."

§185

That the chief form of headgear among the Swiss is the Alpine hat.

§186

That each year a man volunteers to take his children to the circus merely as a subterfuge to go himself.

§187

That all marriages with actresses turn out badly.

§188

That San Francisco is a very gay place, and full of opium joints.

§189

That an elevator operator never succeeds in stopping his car on a level with the floor.

§190

That they don't make any pianos today as good as the old square ones.

§191

That a man who habitually clears his throat before he speaks is generally a self-important hypocrite and a bluffer.

§192

That Maurice Maeterlinck, the Belgian Dr. Frank Crane, leads a monastic life.

§193

That whenever a vaudeville comedian quotes a familiar commercial slogan, such as "His Master's Voice," or "Eventually, why not now?", he is paid $50 a performance for doing so.

§194

That all Asiatic idols have large precious rubies in their foreheads.

§195

That when the foe beheld Joan of Arc leading the French army against them, a look of terror froze their features and that, casting their arms from them, they broke into a frenzied and precipitate flight.

§196

That the late King Edward VII as Prince of Wales easily got every girl he wanted.

§197

That the penitentiaries of the United States contain a great number of hapless prisoners possessed of a genuine gift for poetry.

§198

That if a cat gets into a room where a baby is sleeping, the cat will suck the baby's breath and kill it.

§199

That all men named Clarence, Claude or Percy are sissies.

§200

That a street car conductor steals every fifth nickel.

§201

That the security of a bank is to be estimated in proportion to the solidity of the bank building.

§202

That seventy-five per cent of all taxicab drivers have at one time or another been in Sing Sing.

§203

That one can buy a fine suit of clothes in London for twelve dollars.

§204

That the chicken salad served in restaurants is always made of veal.

§205

That a play without a bed in it never makes any money in Paris.

§206

That Conan Doyle would have made a wonderful detective.

§207

That an oyster-shucker every month or so discovers a pearl which he goes out and sells for five hundred dollars.

§208