Chapter 7

That a napkin is always wrapped around a champagne bottle for the purpose of hiding the label, and that the quality of the champagne may be judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped.

§209

That because a married woman remains loyal to her husband she loves him.

§210

That every time one blows oneself to a particularly expensive cigar and leans back to enjoy oneself with a good smoke after a hearty and satisfying dinner, the cigar proceeds to burn down the side.

§211

That when a police captain goes on a holiday he always gets boilingly drunk.

§212

That an Italian puts garlic in everything he eats, including coffee.

§213

That if one hits a negro on the head with a cobblestone, the cobblestone will break.

§214

That all nuns have entered convents because of unfortunate love affairs.

§215

That, being surrounded by alcoholic beverages and believing the temptation would be irresistible once he began, a bartender in the old days never took a drink.

§216

That all millionaires are born in small ramshackle houses situated near railroad tracks.

§217

That farmers afford particularly easy prey for book-agents and are the largest purchasers of cheap sets of Guy de Maupassant, Rudyard Kipling and O. Henry.

§218

That George Washington never told a lie.

§219

That a dark cigar is always a strong one.

§220

That the night air is poisonous.

§221

That a hair from a horse's tail, if put into a bottle of water, will turn into a snake.

§222

That champagne is the best of all wines.

§223

That it snowed every Christmas down to fifteen years ago.

§224

That if a young woman finds a piece of tea leaf floating around the top of her tea cup, it is a sign that she will be married before the end of the year.

§225

That if, after one lusty blow, a girl's birthday cake reveals nine candles still burning, it is a sign that it will be nine years before she gets married.

§226

That if, while promenading, a girl and her escort walk on either side of a water hydrant or other obstruction instead of both walking 'round it on the same side, they will have a misunderstanding before the month is over.

§227

That it is unlikely that a man and woman who enter a hotel without baggage after 10 P.M. and register are man and wife.

§228

That all country girls have clear, fresh, rosy complexions.

§229

That chorus girls spend the time during the entr'-actes sitting around naked in their dressing-rooms telling naughty stories.

§230

That many soldiers' lives have been saved in battle by bullets lodging in Bibles which they have carried in their breast pockets.

§231

That each year the Fourth of July exodus to the bathing beaches on the part of persons from the city establishes a new record.

§232

That women with red hair or wide nostrils are possessed of especially passionate natures.

§233

That three-fourths of the inhabitants of Denver are lungers who have gone there for the mountain air.

§234

That, when sojourning in Italy, one always feels very lazy.

§235

That the people of Johnstown, Pa., still talk of nothing but the flood.

§236

That there is no finer smell in the world than that of burning autumn leaves.

§237

That Jules Verne anticipated all the great modern inventions.

§238

That a man is always a much heartier eater than a woman.

§239

That all the girls in Mr. Ziegfeld's "Follies" are extraordinarily seductive, and that at least 40 head of bank cashiers are annually guilty of tapping the till in order to buy them diamonds and Russian sables.

§240

That a college sophomore is always a complete ignoramus.

§241

That rubbers in wet weather are a preventive of colds.

§242

That if one eats oysters in a month not containing an "r," one is certain to get ptomaine poisoning.

§243

That a woman with a 7-1/2-C foot always tries to squeeze it into a 4-1/2-A shoe.

§244

That no shop girl ever reads anything but Laura Jean Libbey and the cheap sex magazines.

§245

That there is something peculiar about a man who wears a red tie.

§246

That all Bolsheviki and Anarchists have whiskers.

§247

That all the millionaires of Pittsburgh are very loud fellows, and raise merry hell with the chorus girls every time they go to New York.

§248

That a man of fifty-five is always more experienced than a man of thirty-five.

§249

That new Bermuda potatoes come from Bermuda.

§250

That the boy who regularly stands at the foot of his class in school always turns out in later life to be very successful.

§251

That the ornamental daggers fashioned out of one hundred dollars' worth of Chinese coins strung together, which one buys in Pekin or Hong Kong for three dollars and a quarter, are fashioned out of one hundred dollars' worth of Chinese coins.

§252

That it is hard to find any one in Hoboken, N.J., who can speak English.

§253

That the head-waiter in a fashionable restaurant has better manners than any other man in the place.

§254

That a girl always likes best the man who is possessed of a cavalier politeness.

§255

That the most comfortable room conceivable is one containing a great big open fireplace.

§256

That brunettes are more likely to grow stout in later years than blondes.

§257

That a sepia photograph of the Coliseum, framed, is a work of art.

§258

That every time one crosses the English Channel one encounters rough weather and is very sea-sick.

§259

That the Navajo blankets sold to trans-continental tourists by the Indians on the station platform at Albuquerque, New Mexico, are made by the Elite Novelty M'f'g. Co. of Passaic, N.J., and are bought by the Indians in lots of 1,000.

§260

That appendicitis is an ailment invented by surgeons twelve years ago for money-making purposes and that, in the century before that time, no one was ever troubled with it.

§261

That a theatrical matinée performance is always inferior to an evening performance, the star being always eager to hurry up the show in order to get a longer period for rest before the night performance.

§262

That John D. Rockefeller would give his whole fortune for a digestion good enough to digest a cruller.

§263

That a clergyman leads an easy and lazy life, and spends most of his time visiting women parishioners while their husbands are at work.

§264

That it is almost sure death to eat cucumbers and drink milk at the same meal.

§265

That all bank cashiers, soon or late, tap the till.

§266

That the members of fashionable church choirs, during the sermon, engage in kissing and hugging behind the pipe-organ.

§267

That women who are in society never pay any attention to their children, and wish that they would die.

§268

That if one gets one's feet wet, one is sure to catch cold.

§269

That all French women are very passionate, and will sacrifice everything to love.

§270

That when a drunken man falls he never hurts himself.

§271

That all Chinese laundrymen sprinkle their laundry by taking a mouthful of water and squirting it out at their wash in a fine spray; and that, whatever the cost of living to a white man, the Chinese laundryman always lives on eight cents a day.

§272

That if one fixes a savage beast with one's eye, the beast will remain rooted to the spot and presently slink away.

§273

That if one eats cucumbers and then goes in swimming, one will be seized with a cramp.

§274

That hiccoughs may be stopped by counting slowly up to one hundred.

§275

That newspaper reporters hear, every day, a great many thumping scandals that they fail to print, and that they refrain through considerations of honour.

§276

That the young East Side fellow who plays violin solos at the moving-picture theatre around the corner is so talented that, if he had the money to go to Europe to study, he would be a rival to Kreisler within three years.

§277

That Paderewski, during the piano-playing days, wore a wig, and was actually as bald as a coot.

§278

That lightning never strikes twice in the same place.

§279

That when a doctor finds there is nothing the matter with a man who has come to consult him, he never frankly tells the man there's nothing wrong with him, but always gives him bread pills.

§280

That, in a family crisis, the son always sticks to the mother and the daughter to the father.

§281

That beer is very fattening.

§282

That no man of first-rate mental attainments ever goes in for dancing.

§283

That a woman can't sharpen a lead pencil.

§284

That on every trans-Atlantic steamer there are two smooth gamblers who, the moment the ship docks, sneak over the side with the large sum of money they have won from the passengers.

§285

That if one gets out of bed on the left side in the morning, one has a mean disposition for the rest of the day.

§286

That a woman who has led a loose life is so grateful for the respect shown her by the man who asks her to marry him that she makes the best kind of wife.

§287

That fish is a brain food.

§288

That street-corner beggars have a great deal of money hidden away at home under the kitchen floor.

§289

That it is advisable for a young woman who takes gas when having a tooth pulled to be accompanied by some one, by way of precaution against the dentist.

§290

That all girls educated in convents turn out in later life to be hell-raisers.

§291

That a young girl may always safely be trusted with the kind of man who speaks of his mother.

§292

That a nine-year-old boy who likes to play with toy steam engines is probably a born mechanical genius and should be educated to be an engineer.

§293

That all celebrated professional humourists are in private life heavy and witless fellows.

§294

That when one stands close to the edge of a dizzy altitude, one is seized peculiarly with an impulse to jump off.

§295

That if one eats an apple every night before retiring, one will never be ill.

§296

That all negroes born south of the Potomac can play the banjo and are excellent dancers.

§297

That whenever a negro is educated he refuses to work and becomes a criminal.

§298

That whenever an Italian begins to dress like an American and to drive a Dodge car, it is a sign he has taken to black-handing or has acquired an interest in the white-slave trust.

§299

That, in the days when there were breweries, the men who drove beer-wagons drank 65 glasses of beer a head a day, and that it didn't hurt them because it came direct from the wood.

§300

That, until the time of American intervention, the people of the Philippines were all cannibals, and displayed the heads of their fallen enemies on poles in front of their houses.

§301

That whenever a crowd of boys goes camping in summer two or three of them are drowned, and the rest come home suffering from poison ivy.

§302

That whenever a will case gets into the courts, the lawyers gobble all the money, and the heirs come out penniless.

§303

That every female moving-picture star carries on an intrigue with her leading man, and will marry him as soon as he can get rid of his poor first wife, who took in washing in order to pay for his education in the art of acting.

§304

That all theatrical managers are Jews, and that most of them can scarcely speak English.

§305

That a great many of women's serious diseases are due to high French heels.

§306

That if one does not scratch a mosquito bite, it will stop itching.

§307

That when a girl gives a man a pen-knife for a present, their friendship will come to an unhappy end unless he exercises the precaution to ward off bad luck by giving her a penny.

§308

That whenever one takes an umbrella with one, it doesn't rain.

§309

That the cloth used in suits made in England is so good that it never wears out.

§310

That cinnamon drops are coloured red with a dye-stuff manufactured out of the dried bodies of cochineal insects.

§311

That the missionaries in China and Africa make fortunes robbing the natives they are sent out to convert.

§312

That there is a revolution in Central America every morning before breakfast, and that the sole object of all the revolutionary chiefs is to seize the money in the public treasury and make off to Paris.

§313

That whenever there is a funeral in an Irish family the mourners all get drunk and proceed to assault one another with clubs.

§314

That all immigrants come to America in search of liberty, and that when they attempt to exercise it they should be immediately sent back.

§315

That whenever a rich American girl marries a foreign nobleman, he at once gets hold of all her money, then beats her and then runs away with an actress.

§316

That if one begins eating peanuts one cannot stop.

§317

That a bachelor never has any one to sew the buttons on his clothes.

§318

That whenever a dog wags his tail it is a sign that he is particularly happy.

§319

That an Italian street labourer can do a hard day's work on one large plate of spaghetti a day.

§320

That if one breaks a mirror one will have bad luck for seven years.

§321

That two men seldom agree that the same girl is good-looking.

§322

That in the infinitesimal space of time between the springing of the trap-door and his dropping through it, a hanged man sees his entire life pass in panorama before him.

§323

That when Washington crossed the Delaware, he stood up in the bow of the boat holding aloft a large American flag.

§324

That whereas a man always hopes his first child will be a boy, his wife always hopes that it will be a girl.

§325

That the first time a boy smokes a cigar he always becomes deathly sick.

§326

That a woman always makes a practice of being deliberately late in keeping an appointment with a man.

§327

That if, encountering a savage beast in the jungle, one falls upon the ground, lies still and pretends that one is dead, the savage beast will promptly make off and not hurt one.

§328

That if one sits in front of the Café de la Paix, in Paris, one will soon or late see everybody in the world that one knows.

§329

That it is always twice as hard to get rid of a summer cold as to get rid of a winter cold.

§330

That a soft speaking voice is the invariable mark of a well-bred man.

§331

That the persons who most vociferously applaud the playing of "Dixie" in restaurants are all Northerners who have never been further South than Allentown, Pa.

§332

That the larger the dog, the safer he is for children.

§333

That Catholic priests never solicit money from their parishioners, but merely assess them so much a head, and make them pay up instantly.

§334

That nine times in ten when one is in pain, and a doctor assures one that he is squirting morphine into one's arm, what he is really squirting in is only warm water.

§335

That a German civilian, before the war, had to get off the sidewalk whenever an army lieutenant approached him on the street, and that, if he failed to do so instantly, the lieutenant was free to run him through with his sword.

§336

That while it may be possible, in every individual case of spiritualist communication with the dead, to prove fraud by the medium, the accumulated effect of such communications is to demonstrate the immortality of the soul.

§337

That an Italian who earns and saves $1,000 in America can take the money home, invest it in an estate, and live like a rich man thereafter.

§338

That all Mormons, despite the laws against it, still practise polygamy, and that they have agents all over the world recruiting cuties for their harems.

§339

That when a man goes to a photographer's to have his picture taken, the knowledge that he is having his picture taken always makes him very self-conscious, thus causing him to assume an expression which results in the photograph being an inaccurate likeness.

§340

That if the lower line on the palm of one's hand is a long one, it is a sign that one is going to live to a ripe old age.

§341

That Italian counts, before the war, always used to make their expenses when they came to America by acting as wine agents.

§342

That a Russian peasant, in the days of the czar, drank two quarts of vodka a day.

§343

That a German farmer can raise more produce on one acre of land than an American can raise on a hundred.

§344

That a boil on the neck purifies the blood and is worth $1,000.

§345

That whenever a Frenchman comes home unexpectedly, some friend of the family makes a quick sneak out of the back door.

§346

That every negro servant girl spends at least half of her wages on preparations for taking the kink out of her hair.

§347

That the licorice candy sold in cheap candy stores is made of old rubber boots.

§348

That if a boy is given all he wants to drink at home he will not drink when he is away from home.

§349

That the second-class passengers on a trans-Atlantic steamship always have more fun than the first-class passengers.

§350

That a drunken man always pronounces every "s" as "sh."

§351

That champagne will prevent seasickness.

§352

That thin wrists and slender ankles are unmistakable signs of aristocratic breeding.

§353

That when one asks a girl to go canoeing she always brings along a bright red or yellow sofa cushion.

§354

That when a woman buys cigars for a man she always judges the quality of the cigars by the magnificence of the cigar-bands.

§355

That candle light makes a woman forty-five years old look fifteen years younger.

§356

That the winters in the United States are a good deal less cold than they used to be, and that the change has been caused by the Gulf Stream.

§357

That the Thursday matinées given by Chauncey Olcott are attended only by Irish servant girls.

§358

That the reason the British authorities didn't lock up Bernard Shaw during the war was because they were afraid of his mind.

§359

That Professor Garner is able to carry on long and intimate conversations with monkeys in their own language.

§360

That oysters are a great aphrodisiac.

§361

That if one sleeps with one's head on a high pillow one will be round-shouldered.

§362

That coal miners get so dirty that they have to wash so often that they are the cleanest working-men in the world.

§363

That the average French housewife can make such a soup out of the contents of a garbage-can that the eater will think he is at the Ritz.

§364

That such authors as Dr. Frank Crane and Herbert Kaufman do not really believe what they write, but print it simply for the money that is in it.

§365

That the average newspaper cartoonist makes $100,000 a year.

§366

That when a play is given in an insane asylum the inmates always laugh at the tragic moments and cry at the humorous moments.

§367

That if a girl takes the last cake off a plate she will die an old maid.

§368

That men high in public affairs always read detective stories for diversion.

§369

That the wireless news bulletins posted daily on ocean liners are made up on board.

§370

That the Swiss, when they sing, always yodel.

§371

That all German housewives are very frugal.

§372

That if one holds a buttercup under a person's chin and a yellow light is reflected upon that person's chin, it is a sign that he likes butter.

§373

That all penny-in-the-slot weighing machines make a fat woman lighter and a thin woman heavier.

§374

That in the period just before a woman's baby is born the woman's face takes on a peculiar spiritual and holy look.

§375

That when a Chinese laundryman hands one a slip for one's laundry, the Chinese letters which he writes on the slip have nothing to do with the laundry but are in reality a derogatory description of the owner.

§376

That an old woman with rheumatism in her leg can infallibly predict when it is going to rain.

§377

That Philadelphia is a very sleepy town.

§378

That it is impossible for a man to learn how to thread a needle.

§379

That there is something unmanly about a grown man playing the piano, save only when he plays it in a bordello.

§380

That a couple of quinine pills, with a chaser of rye whiskey, will cure a cold.

§381

That all Congressmen who voted for Prohibition are secret lushers and have heavy stocks of all sorts of liquors in their cellars.

§382

That a certain Exalted Personage in Washington is a gay dog with the ladies and used to cut up with a stock company actress.

§383

That all the best cooks are men.

§384

That all Japanese butlers are lieutenants in the Japanese Navy and that they read and copy all letters received by the folks they work for.

§385

That the best way to stop nose-bleed is to drop a door-key down the patient's back.

§386

That a thunder-storm will cause milk to turn sour.

§387

That if a man drinks three glasses of buttermilk every day he will never be ill.

§388

That whenever two Indians meet they greet each other with the word "How!"

§389

That the Justices of the Supreme Court of the United States all chew tobacco while hearing cases, but that they are very serious men otherwise, and never laugh, or look at a pretty girl, or get tight.

§390

That all negro prize-fighters marry white women, and that they afterward beat them.

§391

That New Orleans is a very gay town and full of beautiful French creoles.

§392

That gin is good for the kidneys.

§393

That the English lower classes are so servile that they say "Thank you, sir," if one kicks them in the pantaloons.

§394

That the gipsies who go about the country are all horse-thieves, and that they will put a spell upon the cattle of any farmer who has them arrested for stealing his mare.

§395

That every bachelor of easy means has an illicit affair with a grass widow in a near-by city and is the father of several illegitimate children.

§396

That a country editor receives so many presents of potatoes, corn, rutabagas, asparagus, country ham, carrots, turnips, etc., that he never has to buy any food.

§397

That whenever news reached him of another Federal disaster Abraham Lincoln would laugh it off with a very funny and often somewhat smutty story, made up on the spot.

§398

That George Washington died of a heavy cold brought on by swimming the Potomac in the heart of winter to visit a yellow girl on the Maryland shore.

§399

That all negroes who show any intelligence whatever are actually two-thirds white, and the sons of United States Senators.

§400

That the late King Leopold of Belgium left 350 illegitimate children.

§401

That Senator Henry Cabot Lodge is a very brainy man, though somewhat stuck up.

§402

That if one eats ice-cream after lobster one will be doubled up by belly-ache.

§403

That Quakers, for all their religion, are always very sharp traders and have a great deal of money hidden away in banks.

§404

That old baseball players always take to booze, and so end their days either as panhandlers, as night watchmen or as janitors of Odd Fellows' halls.

§405

That the object of the players, in college football, is to gouge out one another's eyes and pull off one another's ears.

§406

That the sort of woman who carries around a Pomeranian dog, if she should ever have a child inadvertently, would give the midwife $500 to make away with it.

§407

That a woman likes to go to a bargain sale, fight her way to the counter, and have pins stuck into her and her feet mashed by other women.

§408

That, if one swallows an ounce of olive oil before going to a banquet, one will not get drunk.

§409

That a mud-turtle is so tenacious of life that if one cuts off his head a new one will grow in its place.

§410

That the only things farmers read are government documents and patent-medicine almanacs.

§411

That if one's ear itches it is a sign that some one is talking of one.

§412

That Italian children, immediately they leave the cradle, are sewed into their underclothes, and that they never get a bath thereafter until they are confirmed.

§413

That all Catholic priests are very hearty eaters, and have good wine cellars.

§414

That politics in America would be improved by turning all the public offices over to business men.

§415